Kyle Stories

um i just got back from uh from texas i'll talk about the the trip more later in the show but um i was there doing explosives training and demolition work and uh on the first day like a [ __ ] i left my uh sunscreen in the car and so like no sunscreen 100 degree texas heat out in the middle of the sun like digging holes and exploring up ordinance all day and i just got baked and i didn't drink enough water and i got really dehydrated so the next morning when i got up at like 8 a.m to go back at it again i felt like absolute dog [ __ ] so i stumble into the local gas station and i'm getting my gatorades for the day i got like a gallon of gatorade for the day and i'm wearing my game of thrones shirt it's a white shirt it's got a big red direwolf and it says the north remembers and uh the lady behind the counter goes north remembers huh and i immediately i immediately do the math in my head like i'm already on the same page like i don't need i'm not i don't need to catch up i know what's going on and i have a decision to make do i start telling her about the starks and the lannisters and westeros or do i have a little fun here and i was just like yeah that's right what exactly are you remembering the war well down here in texas we remember plenty good too and uh things was almost turned out a different way i said ma'am every man from bear island is worth 60 of you southerners just remember that and i walked away with my gatorades just laughing and it made my whole day she was steaming red her face was so red trying to figure out what the [ __ ] bear island was i have a story you have a story i have a good story so for those of you who don't know i grew up on a farm and one of my many duties on the farm was that i was like the the animal executioner like if a dog got hit by a car and somebody had to put put it out of its misery i'd do it or if a cow needed the same treatment i would do that and it's because my dad really disliked doing it he was he he couldn't stand it it hurt him to to shoot these animals in that kind of way when you're like executing them it's you starting people business so recently he had a cow that um had prolapsed and that's when like their whole back end is like spilling out of their butt and it's it's really gross it's uh it's a terrible thing and you know he he he needed to put the cow down and he he'd waited like two days and he was feeling terrible about it and he looked out the window and he sees the cow out in the field and it's like 250 yards away and he's like you know what i'm just going to shoot her from here so he gets his uh his rifle out his uh his deer rifle and this rifle is usually just perfectly set the scope is so if you put the scope on something it just nails it like a [ __ ] laser beam it's been that way since i was a kid at some point that had changed so he puts the cross hair on the cow's head squeezes the round off and he blows her [ __ ] front leg off oh no oh no so she's hopping around now and he's and and he's like oh [ __ ] i made a bad shot how could i have possibly done that because he's a really good shot he reloads and shoots again and he [ __ ] shoots her like you know in the shoulder like like on her i know he shot her in the ass that's what it was shot in the ass he's like and then she turned around again and i realized what my gun was doing so i started trying to compensate and all i could see was her ass so i shot her in the ass and then she starts he had to shoot the cow seven [ __ ] times so this act of mercy he tried to lay down would just turn into an awful awful massacre i thought what the [ __ ] did i do wrong yeah what have i done wrong like that was hitler in a past life i ran over my sister's dog in the street and its guts were hanging out and i had to shoot it in the head like there in the street and a car was driving by and saw me [ __ ] do it that was pretty bad so you had to kill the guy in the car right i mean no no no no so then no i had to had to shoot the poor dog because like it was crushed and the whole back end was crushed and it wasn't really my fault cause you know that [ __ ] ran up under my tire but still felt responsible that was terrible okay so let me tell you about one of these blind dates well i i won't call it one of these internet dates that one of these girls went on okay so she goes out with this guy and uh he takes her to dinner or whatever and everything goes okay she says that he's a little bit boring and he's a little bit of a nerd but that's okay and he's kind of obsessed with his work and uh and he and on and on and on and he's like well would you like to come back to my place for a drink and she's like yeah sure i'll come back for one drink she goes back to his place for one drink and as soon as they step in the door she says she smells something that is so bad that it seemed impolite not to mention it you know it's it's such a strong smell that if you didn't mention it the other person might think something is it demon [ __ ] demon [ __ ] does she have pets demon [ __ ] no this is this is his apartment is it does he have pets in this apartment yes demons i'm not i'm not done yet woody all right i'm sorry so she's like i'm sorry but there is an odor and it is quite overwhelming he goes oh i didn't tell you i've got monkeys she goes uh no i think i would recall if you admit that that you had monkeys he says welcome we'll come with me i'll show you upstairs upstairs in an extra bedroom he has five cages full of goddamn monkeys and there's monkeys everywhere and they're freaking the [ __ ] out and she goes and and this is that's how sweet this girl is she's gonna stick with it she goes what are their names he goes he goes they don't have names and closes the door i was i was out back at the hotel having myself a uh a beverage chilling out enjoying myself and a uh an apparent he looked like a hobo okay he didn't look like he was doing too well in life he walks up to me he's like hey man i was like yo what's up it's like uh you get some money i was like yeah i got money that's why i'm on vacation you know chilling out can i have some i was like no no and honestly like if i had a couple bucks i'd probably give them to but i had my card i got my credit cards on me i'm like no no i don't i don't have any cash dude and he like pulls out this little knife that's about three inches long and he goes no give me your money he goes give me money and i'm like i take about two steps backwards and i open my coat and there the pistol is his eyes thank you the size of my [ __ ] palms he goes whoa whoa whoa and he runs and and if we could have gotten a referee there with a pistol and a stopwatch we could have set a new world record because that [ __ ] was moving all right did you respond i could still hear his feet they sounded like this [Laughter] look at tap dancing shoes running from that i didn't have to draw it i was just like bro be doing the shooters kind of [ __ ] huh i was like let's not let's let's not have this now let's see yeah did you respond to him about that fps russia mode no i i i i didn't that he already was at that point but i was like you know what i'm getting out of here i don't for one thing i he i was out i was right outside my hotel room like or when i was around the building but i figured he had watched me come out of it maybe or something and i didn't want to be staying somewhere where he like knew where i was staying i'm sitting there and i've got my noise cancelling headphones on and they really do a good job but i could hear a voice two rows back this guy talking to a girl and i recognize his voice because he was super annoying like in the little ramp onto the plane like he was just chatting about random [ __ ] about about where he was from and he was like uh i heard this word that made me queue into him and i had to take the headphones off i heard the word skin walker now does anyone here know what a skin walker is is no it's one of those things that people believe that like a spirit from the forest or whatever is going to inhabit someone's body and then walk around as the harmful like fool you into something right not quite not quite it is basically a shape-shifter it is a person who can take on the form of another person and or animal and or some sort of a beast okay they and and i know this because of supernatural they're in supernatural there's like maybe 15 different kinds of monsters that exist right there's angels and demons and and werewolves and and vampires and they're skin walkers they're they're one of the group ghouls and such i hear the word skin walker and i'm like whoop what's what's going on here i take off my headphones and i start listening to this guy tell his story to this stranger behind me he's like yeah yeah i came home i was locked out of my parents house so i went around the back and let myself in and i heard this screech this scream like pretty good exactly i am the skin walker like a it sounded like a baby in distress but also angry and i looked i turned around and i saw the red glowing eyes by the fence in the backyard and it was a naked man and he was rapidly transforming into a wolf and when he became a wolf in a matter of 20 seconds he left over the fence and fled and i never saw him again but yeah it was a skinwalker they're real and the girl was trolling him so [ __ ] hard that i would i had to get the attention of like my seat mate and be like tune in there's a show behind us like forget about the sky mall like forget about the like the flight recommendations no this is the show right here she's like oh wow wow that's really interesting have you ever seen anything else unusual like that and this is when i turn around and make eye contact with her and she looks at me like you know what was predictable about it is those kind of people you never go did you ever experience anything else like that they never go nah just the one thing one time well this one time my fridge just opened [Laughter] there was a rat in there and it shape-shifted and it jumped he was like well another time i was at my parents house and i'm like whoa whoa whoa your parents house is ground zero percent paranormal activity area 31 right there right i put the bread of the toaster pushed it down and then on its own i was out back looking at the sky at night and these lights came down it was a ufo but it wasn't a plane it was aliens because they came down at like the speed of light they were in space and then they were in my backyard virtually just hovering over the house spinning real slow with three red lights on the bottom it was the most afraid i've ever been she's like wow that's crazy do you believe in any conspiracy theory i like this girl and that's when the girl next to me starts laughing we're all listening to this jackass now tell this ridiculous story and he starts going on about kennedy and and reptiles and and the whole flight he was back there talking horse [ __ ] the whole flight like like over two hours like every time i checked back in there was a there was a new like monster to deal with or a new government conspiracy or galactic overlords or something like this guy was a maniac back there telling these ridiculous stories should have been like hey i overheard what you were saying wanted to introduce myself i'm the skinwalker you ran into at your parents house remember that wolf yep that's me [Laughter] ah what a what a [ __ ] man yeah i think he's just bullshitting people like to like you could have really freaked him out because he wouldn't have thought you heard him and then at one point like he's walking out and you just walk over to him and just whisper in his ear and go you're not allowed to tell anybody about the skin walkers ever again don't question that and they just walk off right like my my overlords told me to tell you this you know too much you know it just walks up and he's his life at that point is gonna do a 180 and he's gonna exchange everything based on that nice my contacts did in the shadows for a millennia and here you are on delta airline flight 562 telling stephanie all of our dark secrets would you like to be fed to the great abomination it's like speaking of sex so i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we were talking and we were kind we i don't know how the conference got started but anal sex got brought up and and i was like i i think i'd mentioned i was like yeah no we couldn't do it i was like i didn't have any lube and he's like so what i was like you gotta have lube man it's you and your friend yeah we're discussing and this is a guy would you say he and i are talking about [ __ ] girls sure okay all right i'm following you you chill the [ __ ] out brother how disappointed was he that you didn't have lube you simmered down anyway i was like i was like nah man you can't you can't do it if you don't have a loop he's like why not i'm like bro bro i was like it just doesn't work without that that's like it doesn't work it's the same reason your car doesn't work without oil it's gonna there's gonna be some massive internal damage by the time you're done if you're not properly varnished it's not good for either party yes exactly and uh and i'm like i don't like nah i just know where he's like oh no i i just throw it in there i'm like dry he's like sometimes i'm like what does she say about this well she screams a lot and tries to get away but i'm pretty strong guy oh my god is this keith no no it's uh it's the other one and uh i won't even it's because it's two on my mind but yeah it's the other one all right here comes here comes skype i'm like i'm like that's [ __ ] ridiculous and i and and he's like i'm like well it doesn't matter i'm like not everybody's into that anyway i was talking about you know girls aren't always into anal sex he's like uh he's like oh they're all into it by the time by the time it's over i'm like i mean you can talk maybe 75 percent of girls into it but you know there's that hold out percentage that just aren't going to be down he's like oh you just long stroke it then and i'm like what wait wait what is long stroking yes that's what i said i was like what's long stroke he's like that's when you get behind him like like bullfrog style and you're going at it and one of those times you just you just pull out a little bit too far and whammo right in and i'm like that sounds horrible i saw that on a video once he's like i don't mind i'm like i guess not it's not you getting railed in the ass jesus i i don't want to have sex with this guy no i don't have sex with him he's doing it mean that's not right boycott your award dude do you think you can't get away from him woody yeah he's scared i'm hoping um similar story not too similar but it involves body fluids being put on somebody um i'm scared no it's it's not nearly as bad as your filthy mind is trying to make it um i was in high school i guess i was like a junior or probably a junior and um this guy walks up to me it just so happens that i had an issue with this guy and my cousin also had an issue with him my cousin didn't even go to the same high school i did he was in like a neighboring county but anyway i had egged the guy's house my cousin had a problem with the guy because the guy was hitting on hitting on my cousin's girlfriend at her workplace so we both have an issue with this guy and he walks up to me in the lunchroom and he's like he's like uh you and you're i'm gonna i'm gonna beat the hell out of you and your cousin and he's a big guy but he's one of those big goofy guys that you can't possibly take seriously you know that you can take him he's like dumbo so so i'm like i'm like dude you don't you really don't want to start a problem with us he's like no both of you i want to see both of you uh tonight at dill's at nine o'clock sharp and i was like nine o'clock sharp i was like i was like what are you like gotta get a schedule to keep or something he's like he like walks away everybody kind of laughs at him and i'm like all right dude so i call my cousin on the on my cell phone immediately and i'm like scott this uh this dusty guy wants us to meet him up at dills tonight deals is the grocery store the guys work the guy works at he wants us a medium of a deal tonight he wants to fight he's like what i'm like yeah he's like he's like he wants to fight his boat i'm like i guess he's like does he have friends or something i'm like i don't know maybe that's why he wants us to come at nine he's like we're not going at nine we're going at four i'm like all right so four o'clock rolls around i'm driving scott's in the passenger side and here comes dusty with a shopping cart full of some old ladies groceries we wait for him to load her groceries into her car and uh he's on the way back in we pull up right next to him and scott immediately starts just cussing him out and he goes into like defensive mode he's like oh whoa whoa i'm sorry you were supposed to be here at nine i remember him saying you're supposed to be here at nine and i'm like what the [ __ ] difference does it make dude he's like he's like you're supposed to be here at nine and i'm like well we're here at four and like my cousin uh dips like copenhagen and it's got this disgusting black spit and my cousin pulls a straight up clint eastwood on the guy you ever see the outlaw josie wells when he's constantly spitting on people with that black tobacco well my cousin has because he spits this nasty ass [ __ ] all over this dude's khaki pants the guy just kind of looks down at it looks back up at us and like takes his other leg and like rubs it in and i was like all right well that fixes that problem no i didn't fix that problem we get a call it's at 8 30 and he's like dusty says be here at nine and we're like are you [ __ ] kidding me we get there at nine and of course as we suspected dusty has his whole posse there and we're watching them from like across the road they can't see us and there's some guys that they're practicing some bruce lee moves you know like karate chops and high kicks and stuff and these things are like 18 19 years old i'm like are they [ __ ] kidding right now and my dad's with us so it's me and my cousin and my dad and another one of my friends my dad's like how you want to handle this he's like i want to go over there and kick his ass and he's like there's a lot of them over there he's like well just don't let him jump on me dad's like all right i'll handle that so we go over there and there's literally about 15 of these guys and they all look like they're ready to ready to fight and my dad just my dad and scott get out and they walk they walk into this crowd of people my dad says the first one that touches him i'm going to flatten you and everybody backs the [ __ ] away from dusty at this point and makes it it's like a wide berth of my dad if you guys didn't hear it there was a previous podcast where kyle talked about his dad and apparently he's like a big hulk of a don't mess around with gym kind of guy so they just all like clear out and leave dusty standing there shaking he's like oh no so scott runs at him to like you know like get like a running like happy gilmore punch on him and the guy takes off running and we're in a grocery store parking lot like a big like walmart sized parking lot and it's empty because it's late at night this guy starts doing laps around the parking lot with my cousin chasing behind him hit him in the back of the head every time he's close enough and like you know kicking him in the ass every time he gets close and so finally he stops and he like throws his hands up he's like no no i'm sorry i'm sorry no and my dad's like apologize [Laughter] and he's like i'm sorry he says no get on your knees and apologize apologizes but he's behind the trucks and none of the none of his buddies can see him that's like hell no that ain't good enough get out here where all your little friends can see you and do it so the guy gets out in the middle of parking lot on his knees puts his hands out like you know to his side he's like i'm sorry okay i'm sorry it was it was the most humiliating thing i've ever seen it was as a pennywise [ __ ] it's close to getting peed on okay it's close yeah that uh that's full victory right there let me tell you what happened in wings world you spit on my khaki pants all right all right i'm not gonna [ __ ] you up right now because i'm at work but i'm gonna tell you we need to watch it back then i'm gonna hit you in the [ __ ] knee in the baseball bat when you're talking to your girlfriend or something then i'm gonna [ __ ] do some reconstructive you know steel toe boots on your ribs yeah but the problem scott carries carries the 45 so that's kind of hard he sees you come with the bat going like that's why you catch him when he's not [ __ ] looking we're not going to have this conversation of uh um what ifs but needless to say dusty did not have a baseball bat and has never brought a baseball bat even though we destroy his mailbox about once a year i don't remember the last time that i like actually drank a lot to the point where i was drunk really yeah that's where so i i think i got to the point where i was making you know looser decisions on a drinking episode of pka but um like i can't remember that i don't think i've been sick in a long time we were uh so we were in austin texas on um 6th street that's the like the bar district bar excuse the bar street or whatever and i had tweeted out something like hey i'm on you know i'm on 6 30 we're partying come out and hang out with us or whatever and i didn't think anybody would show up really it was just i do it a lot and uh but these people drove like an hour and a half like they were all and were wearing uniforms too they were the zombie defense squad or something they had bracelets they had t-shirts it was like two i think it was three guys maybe two or three guys and a girl and the girl was like dating one of the guys and they all came in a van and they came to [ __ ] austin texas to drink with me so it's me my dad my cousin scott and my other friend and the zombie defense squad tags along with us and we're driving around and so i'm doing the russian accent the whole time to keep the the gig going with them and they're going with it and they're buying me all this vodka they're getting me wasted and i'm just like shot after shot and i'm not a big drinker anyway so i'd had like i don't know eight or nine shots in three or four beers and i'm really just incapacitated drunk like doing that that is a lot even the two low numbers add to 11. that's a lot of drinks and it was in a short period of time like three hours it was something like that i i'm pretty [ __ ] up like i remember at one point um you know those things you put money in that you punch and it tells you you know how yeah yes yes someone else had paid for it and i punched it and i was just like i had already turned into that douche bag you know after i punched his thing and i was like you're 97 and i'm just like you're a douchebag i was like i gave him a dollar or whatever and i felt bad about it but anyway so we're wasted walking up and down this um this street with the zombie defense squad and so yeah so my dad oh the funny thing that i thought was what my dad was doing so obviously i was speaking in the russian accent so they were my dad was pretending like he wasn't my dad he was pretending like he was my cousin scott's dad to like keep up this ruse with these these fans and uh but but meanwhile my dad is talking [ __ ] behind fps russia's back like he keeps going to the fans and being like i can hear him like way out of the corner of my hearing he's like i hate that son of a [ __ ] he treats us like [ __ ] you know what i'd like to go over there and just smash him in the back of the head with beer bottle and the girl goes don't do it don't do it he'll kill you he's like a [ __ ] commando he'll kill you like that and dad's like i can take him if i sneak up on him from behind and they're like don't do it man he'll don't do it they're warning my dad about about even touching me from behind and um so we got completely completely shit-faced way drunker than i wanted to be and the coolest part about this trip was that we rolled up into the this hotel there it's right at the end of 6th street it's like the waldorf or the waldor or something like that and it they have what's called the cattle baron suite it's on the second floor of this place and the deal was that this rich cattle bearing guy cattle baron guy who owned the hotel and had it built the first thing he had built was a giant room for himself to live in while they built the rest of the hotel above him so the most immaculate amazing beautiful suite in this whole hotel is right there because it was his and and apparently nobody had been buying this thing because it was so [ __ ] expensive it was like three or four thousand dollars at night and we started haggling with them about it because they already had some deal where it was like half off and we were like haggling back and forth well maybe if you knock this much off and blah blah so long story short we got the [ __ ] cattle bearing suite i'm talking like 15 foot ceilings and a library there was a dining room that looked like from beauty and the beast like super long and full of like uh silverware silverware already on it like places are set for 30 people or something beautiful sweet i spent the night vomiting in that bathroom didn't even get to sleep and it's like and the biggest like extra large king bed i've ever seen with like drapes coming down around it i slept in the bathroom a pillow against my head against the shower one foot on each side of the toilet so that i could just do a sit up vomit and then go back to sleep i wake up at about six six am in the morning and i look and keep in mind there's three or four of us in this suite it's a multi-room like thing that we've gotten here and um and my cousin is in the bathtub over there like up to here in in the water and it's six in the morning and i'm like what the [ __ ] are you doing in the bathtub in my bathroom and i throw up a little and he goes i'm so [ __ ] cold dude i was so [ __ ] cold so i had to pour a bath and i'm like how did you end up in my bath i don't [ __ ] know whose bath i'm in man like we were also shit-faced from these fans buying his drinks so so we left this this like two thousand dollar a night hotel that we had gotten in the worst condition it's ever been in there was literally a scenario where someone vomited on the floor and then they just put newspapers over it like that movie big daddy with adam sandler like we at least they tried it's a nine hour drive usually i usually go to the bathroom in the mornings it didn't happen this morning for some reason just wasn't gonna just wasn't gonna happen so i'm already i'm loaded up i have a loaded gun and an hour after starting the drive i'm like man i wish i could win i gotta go now i hate using public restrooms i could count the times that i pooped in a public restroom on both hands easily no problem i've done it maybe six times ever this was the sixth time so i drive along i get like three quarters of the way home i'm like this isn't gonna work this is so bad i'm getting cramps this is horrible i'm feeling like pinching pains in my intestines i have to go i so i go into the bath i i go to the i pull over go to the gas station and it seems like my brain is telling my my my body that like it's almost time it's almost time so it's getting worse it really gotta go down it's worse and every step i take i'm like i'm like like press my ass cheeks together at this point i'm like i gotta get in here but i'm trying to play it off you know i don't want to like run into a gas station bathroom everybody knows i'm taking a [ __ ] i don't want that it's embarrassing to me so i kind of casually walk in and kind of look at the sunglasses and the whole time i'm swimming like hot dude yeah i ha no because the bathroom is like within eyes the cashier can see the bathroom and there's a customer dealing with the cashier so i kind of like casually walk in there and immediately like i'm operating that lock like i'm [ __ ] james bond or something like locking that thing up i'm over there trying to get my belt off i'm working i look in the toilet the toilet is filthy the toilet is covered in piss and i'm like i do not have time to clean the piss off of this toilet you would have had you knock on sunglass shopping yeah no no and even if i do i really don't want to clean someone else's piss that's [ __ ] i'm not the person working there wants to clean your [ __ ] off the floor either no one does and i didn't intend for that to happen so what i said was i'm gonna hover in my mind i immediately went to all the stories i've heard of women talking about hovering you know when they pee i'm like oh i'm like i'm totally going to hover i'm totally going to hover oh i did spread them yeah so i i'm i'm going to hover and i'm going to spread the butt cheeks a little bit i'm going to take this nice and slow it's going to be easy right down in that piston without giving a [ __ ] my lower intestines content was under high pressure i'm talking about at least it came out and it hurt regularly at least 100 psi and it was a lot it was like if you took if you took a quart size ziploc bag and you filled it up with brownie mix and then you cut the corner and then you sat it on the counter and then you just smashed it as hard as you could that's what happened and i couldn't stop it was just go time time and i'm just like i recover i wipe myself and i look and i'm like i have destroyed this bathroom this toilet needs to be replaced not clean it needs to be burnt they need to throw a fire bomb in here this needs to be what did you do after the fact did you go buy some sunglasses and a drink and they leave i got i did not buy anything i put i got my pants on made sure that there wasn't like you know like like reflected poop on me anywhere anything like that got my [ __ ] together took a deep breath which kind of started to get a little sick at that point because that bathroom smelled horrible and i i made a beeline for that door and i was gone and as i was leaving i saw someone walking toward it and i was in i was in my car like it was like and i'm gone i'm [Laughter] so so i is as insane as it looks when you encounter that scenario you're like what [ __ ] would do this this disgusting son of a [ __ ] i'd have to say there it does occasionally happen and there's no way around it it doesn't occasionally happen i went on one pig hunting trip once and there was this wild man i don't remember his youtube channel but that was a thing he did and and long story short he didn't sleep for like three days like while we slept like he would go crawling out in the bush on his hands and knees under these these thick briars to where the pigs slept with his glock until he smelled them and he'd follow the smell to where they were wallowing in in the daytime and he'd come upon him and just [ __ ] gunned down one of these little piglets with a [ __ ] nine millimeter and he drug it back out butchered it in the backyard and cooked it on a hubcap he made he made a brine out of pickle juice and barbecued it right there and then cut a hunk of it off and offered it to me it was eat it oh yeah it was surreal you got it i imagine it's good hubcap it tastes no it had pickle juice it was it tasted like pickle juice but it was pork it was like barbecue but pickle juice tasting it was kind of sour but it doesn't sound good it was tender it was okay you know it was it wasn't i didn't want a plate full but i was like yeah i just ate this pig you killed in the bushes over there with a guy like that you don't know if pickle juice pork is a recipe or if that's the only thing he had to accompany the pork that he just shot that was the kids no it's supposed to be vinegar but he he informed me he didn't have anything so it's pickle juice you have to keep in mind that like it was in this old farmhouse out in the middle of texas 50 miles from anything and like they didn't even have running water they had like it was gravity fed there was like a windmill that had to be spinning to like send the water downhill to the shower and then it was just a trickle and i was like so dirty and grimy and sweaty and i opened this cabinet up to look for shampoos to take this cold water shower with and there were many bottle shampoos like a dozen of them that looked like some of them were from the early 90s and i was just like nope [ __ ] it nope i'm like i'm out i'm out scott let's go and scott and i get in the [ __ ] truck leave my dad my friend in the farmhouse we went 50 miles down the road and got a motel room that we stayed in i wasn't staying in that [ __ ] with the [ __ ] pickle juice barbecue and the creepy noises at night guys running around with night vision semi-automatic 308s it was just i didn't need that it was a it was an intense weekend we killed a lot of pigs but it was it was more of like a stalk and weight kind of our ambush type situation we we just sat in lawn chairs basically at the top of a hill and there was a feeder at the bottom of the hill and we had these red flashlights on our guns and pigs can't see red so when you hit it with it their eyes glow but they don't see the light apparently that so they're unaware of it so we just hit them with the [ __ ] red lights and light them up and i've got a pws 308 semi-automatic rifle with a [ __ ] nice acog scope on it my cousin's got a bolt action that he's really good with and we just [ __ ] open up we killed three or four you know like like just head shots left and right but we couldn't really get the slaughter going that you can't helicopter it's just a real bloodfest when you're when you're flying around above them it's like numb like they really can't get away like did you kill the babies too and and rape the girl pigs to complete the vietnam experience scott shot a piglet right in the head with a 270 from there you go [ __ ] yards away just based on the glow of its eyes it was pretty hardcore it went through its ear it was it was pretty crazy um it was you know it's fun to be in the helicopter for one thing if you've never been in a small helicopter it's exhilarating like it's it's it's like a sports it's the sports car i suppose of helicopters it makes really sharp turns and then it can go like it can hover very easily and you can you know you can be traveling at walk it at like human walking distance three feet above the soybean patch so that you know you can just see ever you could see like hog tracks if you needed to and then all of a sudden he can gain 50 feet of altitude have you go in 45 miles an hour like nose down and you're on the chase and at the drop of a hat he can fly sideways because it's a [ __ ] helicopter it's not a plane he can fly sideways so that you're shooting out the door but you're moving in this direction ahead of the pig so the pig's running toward you and then of course the pig is like it tries to stop and change direction and there's that moment where he's not moving anymore and he's trying to like get going again and you're just like and you know you can arm yourself however you want so like i had an acr with a 100 round beta magazine on it it just you can have it's a lot of fun so i flew from atlanta to boston spent a night in boston and then the idea was to fly from like boston all the way to killington i think yeah yeah but and we went in this very small plane that it it i was the co-pilot uh literally like i was sitting in the co-pilot seat i was holding the flight log and he was like hold it right there so i could see it and i was like holy [ __ ] like this this guy is for real the luggage in the wings he asked me how much i weighed before i took that seat i was the heaviest on the flight and like he arranged the rest of the passengers by weight you know he wanted the weight up front and you know the little people were in the back we hit us an ice storm flying into killington and it was so bad that it was like something out of the movies the amount of [ __ ] that was coming at the windshield of this flame we were using instruments only and we were gaining and losing like 30 to 50 feet of altitude in as little as a second it was like it was so much so that i had to take my left hand and reach under my seat and hold it and like pull up like i was riding a horse like i was literally like riding my seat like a [ __ ] cowboy and like i honestly was loving it i it was i was laughing i was like hooting and hollering like me and the pilot were having a good time i was like this is crazy i was like does this ever happen i was like is this rare he's like this is a real [ __ ] man this is a real [ __ ] and i hear them yelling in the back about something i turn around and kitty's uh cousin jj he he looks green look and apparently he has to piss so bad that he needs a bag he's got a piss in a bag and he needs another bag to vomit in because he's definitely going to vomit so he's back there vomiting in one bag and pissing in another in this close quarters with these strangers and it's just i have a friend just laughing my ass off having the best time ever and he tries to come in and the turbulence gets so bad that the wings are twerking they're doing stuff like they're bending and shaking and i can see them because like i mean i'm literally the co-pilot when i look out the wing is right there and every time it flexes or bends or torques i see it and it's doing it a lot more than you would think and the guy finally is like nah we can't take it down we gotta pull up we gotta go back to like somewhere else like we circled the airport for like 10 minutes we couldn't take it much longer so he landed us like three [ __ ] hours drive away in like burlington vermont or some [ __ ] we had to call a limo service to drive us to the place from there oh that must have been horrible it was the worst it was 350 limo ride it was like a blizzard on top of this mountain and woody is late everyone's late actually epic meal time hasn't made it yet woody hasn't made it yet and i'm the one who had to take the three and a half hour cab ride in so it's just like what the [ __ ] happening here and then here comes woody in this piece of [ __ ] car up this like hill and the tires are spinning at about 50 miles an hour and the car is moving at about 20 miles an hour dude there were parts where you could have walked faster like like yeah it was so bad it couldn't do anything like it couldn't even get around the parking lot at the ski lodge and stuff it was it was i decided that i i we raced we kind of we raced in a circle around the lodge to try to find you some parking and i was just as fast on foot as this car was in the ice and snow it was unacceptable i don't know how many miles i've got but i i know i've got like the uh the silver delta silver medallion or something like that from my travels so i've flown a lot with all the delta silver and gold i've seen some real [ __ ] on airplanes and like most americans uh who fly a lot i feel like i'm very paranoid of giving off a false like scary vibe like you know i i don't i would never raise my voice on a plane for any reason for example like like there's so much you know everybody's so nervous already around airplanes and airports it's just such a hot button thing with terrorism and i you know i i i'm afraid of no reason to risk it no reason to risk it but i've seen some crazy [ __ ] we were flying one time from seattle to atlanta on a virgin flight if you if you have actually it was from seattle to boston if you have the means i highly recommend virgin first class it's the best first class you live in a purple and pink illumina it's like tron ever all the glass everything is like clear and glass and it's lit pink and purple and there's like soft jazz music playing and the tvs are like three inches bigger than anywhere else and the food's better and everybody's nicer there and these seats are enormous and they recline back like a bed and then and kitty's asleep next to me i'm relaxing watching some like thorough movie or something and then this tiny little korean woman appears from no man's land you know where i'm talking about back there where they keep them and she just comes through the curtain and you know a little bit of their dirty unfiltered yellow fluorescent light piers into our you know it's dark where we are in first class all the shutters are closed it's just pink and purple lights from these clear dividers between the the the rose and this little korean lady comes in there and she like takes a few steps up and she kind of looks she's looking around she's exploring and and she comes and kitty's got so much room between like foot room that she she walks into kitty's area into her personal space like between the for the seat in front of her and kitty's seat but kitty's like reclined back sleeping and i'm just watching this [ __ ] wide-eyed like frozen like i'm just like all right if she pulls out a dagger or something i guess i i decker but like you know otherwise i'm just frozen i can't do anything and the lady's like shaking kitty she's like shaking her awake and i know kitty's sleepy i'm just like i can't she's unarmed and i'm just like watching she's like where hey hey and kitty wakes up and she says what's going on and then lady's like you'll see you'll see very nice how much how much and kitty's like what are you talking about and i'm just giggling now she's like she's like how much for your seat it's very nice i like your seat how much and i couldn't figure out if she wanted to buy the seat on the spot from kitty or if she wanted to know for future reference how much these first class seats cost because she was into it i'm done kidding no she was haggling for a seat she was trying to buy it right there the stewardess the stewardess has to come and put hands on this lady and i have to explain i'm like i don't know she came up here she shook her awake and she wanted to know how much the seat costs i'm not sure if she wants to buy the seat or if she wants to know for future reference and the ladies just like what the [ __ ] and like turns this old lady around and walks her out 30 minutes later she's back trying to sneak into our bathroom and like i like i ratted her out of course like first thing so she's like waiting in line for like some other guy who's supposed to be [ __ ] in there like he's got some ex you know he's allowed and and i got the story i was like hey that lady's back she's like oh and you could tell like she didn't want her [ __ ] in there either she got her like [ __ ] she came back a third [ __ ] time but this time she just kind of like opened the curtain and looked around in there as if to say like i don't need to [ __ ] anyway and just kind of [ __ ] left when when someone spotted her like it was bizarre um that's the only time i've i've seen that in first class the only other cool first class story i have when i looked like a real gentleman i was flying with a girl from like new orleans to like uh albuquerque new mexico and i had a first class seat but she had a coach seat and there was no one next to me in first class it was an open seat and and i you know i i kind of kissed her and like she had to go back to coach and i was kind of sitting there like this is kind of shitty as i read my book and i i asked the stewardess i was like hey is there any way since no one is sitting in the seat that the girl that i'm with could come up and sit in this seat with me and like three or four or five people hear this and they get involved because it's kind of an interesting i think and that lady's like no i can't do that and i thought about it for a few seconds and i was like i think i'm just gonna go back there and sit with her and like get up and go to walk and like everybody in first class like gives me like a clap like like i'm a real nice guy i mean when i go to the back and it's like three seats wide nobody's there she's like give me a handy under the blanket i was like i made the right that's good right now yeah and so did she i think that's appropriate compensation for flying coach i am i thought so i thought i was being very generous giving up my like beautiful nice seat we were doing our filming we're hanging out with this crazy eccentric millionaire guy who who builds miniguns and he's kind of a nut and i don't want to go on any of their adventures with them but like i don't do that when we would travel i would just bring my own girl with me so i could stay at the hotel and not go out and get into trouble but my friends and family they go out and get into trouble so i'm at the hotel with my girl with my uh codeine which i loved by the way i needed it like i wasn't abusing this coding like i had such an awful sore throat and i was so out of it like i was just i was just sipping this stuff the whole time and i didn't even realize it was like a a thing that people take to get high or whatever like i just thought it was medicine so i'm wasted off this stuff in bed with her it's four in the morning and the doors kicked open boom like i did i didn't latch the door i was so messed up from the codeine and it's all my friends and all of their girls and they run into the room and the girls jump into the bed and they're jumping up and down on the bed and one of them is a really big girl like she's like 200 pounds and the other one's like a hot chick like this hot hispanic chick and they're dancing on the bed and then they start telling me the story they had went to the bar and this is when my cousin had the um this is when my cousin had the the flower behind his ear that this mexican chick had given him at a bar he goes to the bathroom to pee and this guy next to him goes you know they're standing there pissing he looks next to him at the urinal and says you like a [ __ ] with that flower behind your ear and scott's like don't call me a [ __ ] and he he's all right well whatever but seriously though you look like a [ __ ] and this guy just like lays him out right there knocks him unconscious at the urinal guy hits the floor pit dick hanging out still pissing like yeah that's impressive he hits the ground his dick's still pissing he's like pissing on himself like a fire hose that's just sort of flopping or maybe i don't know how big it was i'm giving him a lot of credit here right like it's just going to make a baby it doesn't seem like one of those blow up car lot things that's like that no it wasn't like a medusa head or anything but but you know himself and there's witnesses there's two more guys who are standing there waiting for these two urinals that are in the restroom so scott's got to book it so he goes out he goes collects my other friend collects the girl he's like we gotta get the [ __ ] out of here so they go out in the parking lot and they get stopped by the guy the victim number one's big friend his big friend is like uh jordanian now i don't know how they knew he was jordanian he must have said it at some point you know like i am jordanian i kill you he said something like that and at some point scott said something like you know i'm gonna i'll just you know he's like i'm gonna knock your [ __ ] teeth out some you know just some whatever threat and the guy says back to scott i'm a [ __ ] i'll push your [ __ ] in boy oh that's perfect it's mike tyson coming back from that so it's at that point where the story gets foggy i don't know what exactly happened but the end result is this to release myself or any others of any liability the large georgandian man was hit in the head with something his car keys were stolen from him his car may have been backed into by another car and my truck had a big dent in the bumper and they and that that's the story they come back to me with that's that's day one of our trip to [ __ ] new mexico so we get out in the desert and i'm not getting any better i'm not getting better at all like the the shot in the ass the z pack it's not doing [ __ ] i'm out in the desert and it's literally 104 degrees um i'm vomiting behind a truck like i'm bent over vomiting and i finish vomiting and i like wipe my mouth and then i get i start coughing and i can't stop coughing and i cough up blood and i'm like [ __ ] as i'm like spitting the blood up and like getting the blood off my teeth and and they're like hey kyle you ready we got the 500 magnums loaded up they want me to shoot a 500 magnum in each hand at these steel targets out in the desert and so i go out there and i'm kind of coughing and wheezing it's hard to breathe it really was my my throat was really ragging if you go back and watch those videos you can hear my voice is weird okay so i hope you guys enjoyed the video i don't know if you could hear but i feel like [ __ ] i've been sick for about two weeks now i didn't want to travel all the way out here to make this video what's the name of the video um but it's the one with this 500 smith and wesson yeah i'm in the desert um there's i'm using a big chrome barrel um integrally suppressed 50 cal i do it's kind of a mishmash video where i do like two or three weird things okay so were you just guzzling codeine regularly this whole yeah i'm just every few minutes just yeah because then you were just in like like the fear and loathing and las vegas status just barely with it lots of gators i would guzzle like a whole thing a gatorade and then i'd vomit up three quarters of it it seemed like just trying to stay hydrated so i get out there i got these big [ __ ] guns in each hand they're the most powerful production handguns in the world and they're short barrels they're going to kick like a [ __ ] and i've got to hit the targets or we just have to do it over again i guess and then i hear um the grenade go off they um my friend shot a tear gas grenade i know a cs grenade at me and it exploded next to me and started like shooting um cass at me so i kicked it and that's when i i spoke too soon it didn't explode it landed next to me and started hissing i kicked it and then it exploded and it goes and i'm like covered with the cs while i'm sick so cs i don't remember what it stands for it [ __ ] it's it's like it's tear gas basically it really [ __ ] you up um you know mucus membranes all that stuff good if you're sick in the middle of it it was like the worst thing possible and that's what i said i was like why would you do that why would you do that like like why anybody but me like but yeah they tear gas me and then and then we had to keep going and finished so that's my new mexico story i don't think there's anything else you know we were if we got caught in a flash flood in the desert russia you do not pay for [ __ ] you take the [ __ ] it is already yours [Laughter] hey how much of the food do you eat after you finish like all of it and i got a question for russia russia when you're out there you get do people come up to and they're like yo man speak russian um a guy i'll tell you this story a guy called the gun store that i uh that sponsors me the other day and said that um he wanted to talk to the russian guy and they're like well he's not here he's like well he works there right well they're like no we he works with us and they're like well i need to get a hold of him i just got my wife over from russia and i need him to translate for me this guy went and got a mail order bride from russia and wanted me to translate between him and his new wife dude i'm not gonna be i'm not gonna be somebody's [ __ ] translator i don't i speak enough russian to like piss somebody's just think about the video though you go up to a man's house like i translate for him no and that woman speaking the russians she's like she is leaving you for your neighbor yeah i could i could translate enough to like make her really really angry and that'd be about it when i was 14 15 16. all i cared about was one thing and that was the button on your jeans and i'm my goal i mean that's truthful my goal was to say whatever i had to say to get that button open yeah right i was i'll tell you this quick story like all right so i was um i was on a trip recently and there was a girl crying on a park bench and i i go up and i i'm not a park bench i don't know a hotel and i start asking i start talking to her i'm like what's wrong why are you crying because it was kind of late at night and everything and she's like nothing nothing and i'm like no no what's wrong go ahead and tell me and uh so she starts she starts telling me the story about this guy then like she thought he was her friend and this and that and i'm like all right let me just let me let me give you some advice about girls and i started i basically explained to her i'm like guys only want one thing we only want one thing and we'll save whatever it takes to get that one thing i'm like it's not a matter of shape right now and this advice i'm sorry carry on oh it's over now like like it was funny that i went through that whole story with her like explain to the guys only wanted one thing and they'll say whatever they have to do to get there and then then i [ __ ] there so let me figure out how to set this up appropriately i actually told this story to myself the other day so i'd be set up to tell you all that dedication baby yeah yeah i ran through this so i could do it smoothly and cover all the points i want to cover all right so basically i was i'm in this situation where i was seeing a young lady and um after seeing her for maybe a month um her husband calls me one night and he's like hey i'm like hey why are you [ __ ] my wife bro and i'm like i didn't know she was married and i'm like freaking out and i'm like as upset about it as he is i'm like i didn't know um and uh and i'm i'm like yeah i'm sorry man that's the end of that i don't do that anymore and he's like all right so we end on a good term and then she and i talked to her the next day and he's like she's like he's insane he drinks and he's violent with me and we've been separated for some time now she's like there's no marriage there she's like that's like my estranged husband who i simply haven't gone through all that holds us together is like a piece of paperwork that's not a husband and i'm like oh well that's completely different so we carry on with the relationship obviously obviously yeah i don't i see no reason why not it's not a real marriage i hit her i liked her yeah i'd not and i didn't meet her like you to be no what do you know what do you what do you what do you know for the seconds no no but she drove us around at killington and she seems sweet yeah she's a very nice young lady so you know we text back and forth she doesn't live right by me so obviously sometimes there are some adult texts that get sent back and forth obviously she might send me a photo and in return i might send her a photo wait wait i shouldn't have said that i've never seen these photos he's probably lying yeah i totally made you well he's like wanting to go through my phone and i'm like you better be careful you might see a little bit of a little bit of me in there and it might make you feel like less of a man that's unlikely you're talking to woody come on i thought you had that case of elephantiasis at one time so anyway so yeah so i've texted her pictures of me uh you know my area down there and she has returned the favor so anyway the crazy husband one night like gets a hold of the phone right and he's going through the text messages with me obviously and he finds that picture and he is so afraid of it it makes him feel like so much less of a man that he goes online that night and orders male enhancement products and after he produces them he has a horrible side effect where his entire manly area breaks out in red blotches and like blisters it's so awesome did you send a picture to that or how do you know no no she tells me about this so cause he's like like like he's just like this is [ __ ] this guy has such huge [ __ ] and it makes me feel like less man and now i've got blisters everywhere because i was trying to get it bigger and it's just like you know and i'm over here hearing this and i'm just like oh right yeah baby you you gave yourself a thick high five you're like yeah i was gonna like pull my waistband out i'm like high five little man and he reaches up with his little [ __ ] hand he goes i don't even have to push down for him he reaches up to me he does the worm that's right yes absolutely i remember on the bowel movements as i think back to my school career you know from elementary school through high school i i think the one of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to anyone and when it does you know everybody always knows is uh this guy i won't say his name because there are people who listen to this who would know him but for scott no i promise it was not not that guy he was just a friend but he [ __ ] his pants in like the second grade yeah second grade for sure and he's in the bathroom and in our classroom instead of having a bathroom that you had to walk to it was attached to the classroom like you walk to the back of the classroom and there was a bathroom there okay and he's in there and the teacher's like billy you need to come out you know made-up name but uh he's like can't she's like why not can't [Laughter] she's like uh do you have an accident yep is it bad uh huh do we need to call your mother oh yeah but apparently he had just like shat all over himself his mom walked into the bathroom with like a new set of clothes in our trash bag oh no think about this that was like 20 years ago and i still remember that [ __ ] so like so like this is the story is like three or four years ago my cousin now my cousin calls me and apparently like he had some issue with some other people they were gonna have to go fight and apparently there was like six of them and there was only two of us so i was like well is there anybody else we get to go with us and uh and he's like well we could go get uncle terry and i'm like i don't have an uncle terry he's like yeah but i do he's my mom's brother and i'm like i don't know him and he's like well he just got out of jail and i'm like what'd he do he murdered someone i'm like how long has he been in there 35 years how old is this guy oh he's like 50s something like that i'm like dude we're not taking like a 55 year old dude to this fight where you know we're like 17 18 i'm like we don't need some old dude slowing us down he's like no no trust me this is the guy we want with us so so i hop in scott's car and he takes us to a trailer park and um we hop out and like this isn't a nice trailer park this is a pretty rough uh establishment this is uh trailer park this is robert bowling's trailer park south clown and he ship and uh so we go into this and all right we this is funny right from the start we get out of the car and this figure opens the trailer door and looks down at us and goes who's that out there in that moon wagon we're a blazer by the way so i don't know what the [ __ ] made a moon wagon but like scott goes it's me uncle terry he's like oh who you got with me i got kyle with me come on in here so we go into this this guy's house and he's sitting there with his two daughters who are like i don't know teenagers one of them has a broken arm which she got beating up a uh a black girl at school but that's not how she refers to the individual and um and so everybody starts smoking cigarettes including the young teenage girls and uh and they pass around ashtrays which consisted of styrofoam plates and of course that doesn't work too well it burns right through so i'm like no i don't smoke i didn't smoke at the time so like we start talking to terry and we tell him what the situation is and he's like do you have any weapons like straight face like you got any weapons and he's like well i got this right here it's got like scott's got like this rod it's like a it's like a piece of it's like it's a piece of steel it's like uh it's a steel rod yeah sort of like that but not as big it's about a foot and a half long and uncle terry like picks it up and he goes yeah he goes this is like a black cobra in the desert and he goes like a snake and like he's like this is like my black cobra in the desert you could run a chain gang with one of these and i'm like how would you sneak it into prison he's like i don't care stick it up my ass but he's like in prison he's like in prison's rough he's like lost all my teeth he's full and he pulls out false teeth at this point to reveal that he indeed has no front teeth and i'm like how the [ __ ] did that happen he's like a [ __ ] he had a lock and a sock hit me in the mouth i'm like what did you do i killed him he's like i killed him and i'm like oh well i guess that fixed that problem yeah yeah fixed it he's like in prison you gotta be mean you gotta be you could be hardcore he's like i eat an [ __ ] that's what it takes i'll bite out i'll bite your lips off i don't care all right so at the end of it i was like you know what i don't think we need your services terry um we're gonna be moseying on out but good luck to you uh eating the [ __ ] and you know running and that was the last time i saw him that's just crazy dude yeah that guy that guy ran a bear fisted um fighting like a bear fisted fight club at the trailer park in which you your your entry fee was a case of natural light i'm not joking it was winner take all dude i wish i had some epic stories in hell it makes me what makes me realize if i ever have a shootout with the cops i'm going to get clapped at the end of it i go and ain't going into cuffs all right so i was talking to someone i was i was talking to someone the other night who had uh who had been a marine and he was talking about being in japan and him and like four of his buddies finding this hooker on the streets and going back to her place and i and and i guess they were like you know what someone yeah you know let's let's have sex and she's like okay okay but you can't [ __ ] me and they're like why not and and lo and behold it's it's a it's really a man it really has a penis i was like oh that's crazy so what'd you guys do he's like oh we beat the [ __ ] out of him and i'm just like what the [ __ ] he's like yeah yeah just beat the [ __ ] out of him then we went back to the boat and then mikey said i'm going to go back and see what's going on over there i'm going to go back we're like all right dude whatever so we asked him the next day what happened what'd you do he's like well he wanted somebody to [ __ ] him so i [ __ ] him dude you told me the story before right and it didn't sink until just now mikey is definitely gay right he finds a prostitute that i guess is a transvestite or something because they didn't realize it was a guy at first yeah and then they beat him up right so he's like repressing and sort of oh yeah gay bashing girl i'm not gay and then he goes you know what but that butthole might be extra time you know like this this might be for me and he goes back and he's like i showed it to him i [ __ ] him yeah yeah and it's like dude no you found a trinity and then you were like damn i'm going back and he did and then he had sex with the [ __ ] that like you know there's the whole that that is a gay person yeah i know it that is the definition of a gay person yes it could be bisexual well okay okay i'll take this label like he doesn't like [ __ ] now says he [ __ ] a guy dressed like a girl but but we're saying it's messed up because he just had beaten this person up for their alternative lifestyle that he's obviously like cool with when it comes you know when it comes to him i feel we were talking about [ __ ] and [ __ ] [ __ ] in front of woody's wife oh she's her worst she's her worst yeah just wait she goes back and hears the track about all the clean talk oh yeah colin does not want to be on camera have i told the story woody there you have it my dad gets in a conversation with a guy who mistook my dad for another man from his past and was about to stab him i think you have told the story okay so it's okay i told you multiple times so my dad's in walmart and he and he knows that this guy's kind of eyeballing this is many years ago this is 10 12 years ago this guy's eyeballing him at walmart and dad doesn't really think anything of it he continues you know doing his shopping or whatever and the guy's eyeballing more he's kind of follows him to the next aisle and the guy starts approaching him and my dad says he's thinking to himself like i think this guy's about to like attack me he starts so he starts looking around um you know in his vicinity for anything that might make a good melee weapon and and he looks and he's like i'm in the the the depart with all the like towels and washcloths and like loofahs and [ __ ] like there's sponges literally sponges over here to my right and there's no way i can defend myself with this stuff so so i just faced him down and i said hey what's up he says hey are you are you bill anderson he's like no my name is so and so he tells him his name he says well okay i'm sorry he says uh i was about to gut you alive and my dad must have done some [ __ ] up and my dad says uh what what are you talking about and he shows me my shows my dad like this curved like hunting knife he's like i've been looking for bill anderson for the last 15 years and when i find him i'm gonna gut him alive what he did to me and my family you look a lot like him but i'm glad to see you're not him you have a nice night sir wow i mean i'd be hitting that [ __ ] with a shower curtain or something right just so you guys know there's a if your name is bill anderson you watch your [ __ ] ass you remember the guy buying the tv when we bought black ghost reminds me remember we were standing in line and they did a kid obviously who couldn't get his damn card you know to read and there's this guy he was like jittering like he was like crackhead oh my 50 inch tv and like he was trying to get ahead of everybody in line to do it yeah we there was a very long line wings got recognized at the walmart that was cool yeah nice it's not as bad as kyle makes it out to be most people are no i mean you know the guy was like hey are you wings redemption he's like yeah i am that was dead was he a big fan what else did he say i don't know he he had he had a channel of his own he pulled out a knife he's like i've been looking for wings there's an explosion in my backyard yesterday i have no idea what it was i i'm sitting there watching it's not good i swear to god i'm not exaggerating i agree it's not good i know explosion vote for not good i know i think or two about explosions i'm sitting on the couch watching tv and a big [ __ ] explosion happens like the house behind me and i mean it was just and like the house shook a little and i was just like the [ __ ] was that and i go to the window and i look and i see no smoke i don't see rubble or anything that's so funny i still don't know i imagine you in my head like lying on your couch and like watching tv and this huge explosion haven't you been like what the [ __ ] was that and then just going back and watching tv not even inspecting your face hello my friends russia's neighbor who is currently able to shoot guns in i have one by the way something kind of interesting happened to me a couple days ago all right so um this guy uh in south carolina his name is rucker he uh he strangled his girlfriend to death you might have heard about this in the news he strangled his girlfriend to death she was pregnant and then he fled from the police well what you don't probably know is he fled to my hometown and then he parked his car a mile away from my house and got out and ran into the woods what you also don't know is my greatest dream is to haunt a human being actually i knew that i'm right there with you so so i went and i stayed with my sister until she was ready to go for school because this guy's a convicted sex offender he's a mile away and he's roaming the woods so when she goes to school it's go time so we're over um at uh at one of my friend's house he's like a farmer in the neighborhood and uh we're all talking and some guy goes there he goes that's him dude's running through the [ __ ] woods like like pretty far away from us but it's him he matches his i mean all right let me just say this there's not too many black guys wearing a white shirt white pants and white shoes and a white hat running through the woods in the middle of in the middle of a cattle farm it's him so we so we take off after him and we're like stalking stalking through the woods after this guy i got a [ __ ] ar-15 my dad's got a 12-gauge of a buck shot i'm like we're gonna get him i was like he's got deliverance on his ass huh i have my video camera i'm like best video ever [Laughter] but uh he uh he got through the other side of the woods uh got to a relative's house and they uh i guess i guess when he when he saw a fierce russia coming after him he was like i gotta turn myself in because he got the neighbor's house and like had them take him to the police station but he's lucky we didn't catch you oh oh i've got a great one i've got all right so i've got a story so i've been for my for my little gaming youtube channel i have been recording some prank phone calls his gaming youtube channel i should mention is youtube.com fps yes i've been recording some prank phone calls and i was running this scam messing with a [ __ ] and to do it i couldn't use a blocked number so i'm texting this [ __ ] with my phone anyway it gets out of hand she realizes it's a crank call and she posts my number so i've been and i swear to god i warned this girl i told her i was like that's not me i'm not who you think i am i do a podcast that two hundred thousand people listen to if you do indeed post my number on the internet and have people mess with me i'm gonna read it on my podcast so when she posted my number she said be sure to check out my podcast so that you know that was a little that was a little uh stab at painkiller already i felt so uh-oh it's on now it's go time let me see if i can find this gentleman's number gentlemen yes this this uh this training was looking for a cop that she's quote nine inches at least and beer can thick gosh these turkeys a lot of blood to make that happen yeah make those in real life the woman's got an extra forearm those happen in gears of war do you see gears of war people wait there's gears of war porn i i only imagine if marcus had a penis it would look something like that okay you make it so the number oh my number is once all right so area code 706 362 2668 do your [ __ ] worse oh my god tell her send her a text message that says we're from the podcast identify us let's just do this kind of quote-unquote anonymously just just say we're from the podcast in a text message or call and scream we're from the podcast and this is because she published your phone number yes she published my phone number and made it look like i was a homosexual man and and so i've been getting text messages from gay men who want to have sex with me and one of them one of them penis and so and so now like you know how you can copy paste obviously your cell phone my paste i already have it copy and paste ready it says the ad was a joke it's not me that's not my picture just my number it's a prank please flag it and that's that's what i had to send for like two days to get it flagged and taken down so like three or nine different like i woke up the next day and i had like three text messages and four missed calls from all these dudes wanting to bang the picture that dude she put up like it was me and i'm just and you know it's an annoyance so [ __ ] pay her back this is righteous justice this is this isn't some uh this is what happens and this is not something new to paying you people are like oh my god how could you tweet out that how could you troll someone who trolled you you must be new to painkiller already you little [ __ ] because that's what we do we don't lose we win what's the phone number again duck was my mother's age 42 or so at the time of our meeting and yet he looked like he was in his late hobo 50s there's a difference than you know yeah yeah he was in his hobo 50s long black shaggy hair greasy filthy pockmarked face very i don't know it just looked like it was gross like dried up and nasty from years of smoking hand rolled cigarettes his fingers were yellow like the stained yellow from those from those cigarettes he'd always smoke he drank red dog beer in the cheapest vodka he could buy his greatest skill was he could calculate the cost of alcohol to a t if he had a dollar in two cents he knew exactly what it took to get to that bottle of liquor if he had 13 cents he knew exactly what it took to get to that tiny bottle of liquor he always knew he'd come around he's you got 37 cents oh i'm like why don't you just take five [ __ ] dollars man what the hell 37 cents like that that's not even worth my time handy yeah like it was just absurd and he always knew and so i mentioned that my dad never hit jd never got physical with him ever even though jd was very bad his job he would drinking on the job passing out drunk that sort of thing so chuck also had a bit of a drinking problem you might say and he lived at the end of my dad's farm's driveway in a trailer with another man named jeff who was crippled from polio and he was way too young to be crippled from polio you know what i mean it was like how white trash are you and uh and they had jeff's girlfriend i guess you could still [ __ ] who was very pregnant and she was i remember one day they had seen her trying to like induce labor by sticking a vase up there in the front yard classy punch oh classy bunch okay just so you know so uh what chuck's job pretty lower tier kind of job if you can imagine it's picking up the dead chickens from my dad's poultry houses every day because there's 120 000 total every day you know a percentage just die and you can't leave them in there they don't rot and that causes disease etc you're not supposed to someone walks the entire perimeter of this thing it's five mile walk a day and you pick them up you take them out that's chuck's job chuck wasn't doing a good job of this and so as you can imagine just like my disgusting garbage there are rotten chickens in this poultry house and that's a no-no it doesn't look it's not good for business you're not allowed to do that despite what you see with all the like animal cruelty stuff and those horrible horse scenes you often see from peta like for the most part like those farmers are kept really under control and like you can't do that there's rotten chickens in there though my dad sees this and he's like kyle go get chuck tell him he's going to have to finish his work and i'm like okay no no excuse me he said he said you can either go get chuck or i or uh or i can go get him and you can tell him what he's got to go do and i'm like think about it for a minute i'm like well that second one is definitely the more awkward situation i'm like well i'll go get it so i drive down there i say he's drunk as [ __ ] i'm like hey chuck uh dad wants you to come back over to the farm he's he's got something he wants to talk to you about okay so get chucked take him back up there i uh i i i'm off the side sitting on a bucket how do you get him like a truck i drive i drive a truck down it's literally a quarter mile away just zip zip right back okay so we're sitting we're standing there my dad's standing there i'm sitting on a bucket and uh he tells chuck he's like chuck there's uh there's rotten chickens there you're doing a shitty job you can't do that you know you can't do that if you can't do the job right then you shouldn't be doing it at all he says you need to get in there you need to finish your job or you're not getting paid this week or any more ever he's and chuck said well if you don't like the way i did it oh no [Applause] stop stop stop so you froze it if you don't like the way i did it carry on if you don't like the way i do it then you could just do it your damn self oh wow nothing happened between him saying that and is on the ground i'm not sure how it got on the ground i don't push a punch he was just on the ground and dad was kicking these weren't like the bar scene and goodfellas kicks stomping the guy's face in and really trying to ruin him for life like he was kicking him in the ass [Laughter] with a big size 13 boot on the other end was more insulting at that point right in the ass crack every time chuck would make it to his knees bam and he could hear it it was audible and i'm just watching him kick him and every time he kicks he adds a little retort i don't think you'll like the way i'm going to do it chuck i'm sorry i'm sorry you're going to be sorry by the time i'm done chuck you're going to get in there clean that [ __ ] up yeah he's he's crawling toward the place where the dead chickens are he's going after him now get in there get in there he kicks him five six times he kicks his ass until he's like in the building and like he gets up and goes back to work it's as close to someone beating a horse into like giddying up as you'll ever get with a human being in this day and age it would lead to a monologue chuck was a real character i have one more chuck story if you'd like it please oh you know i do yes please all right all right so as i mentioned chuck lived near the end of the driveway of the farm uh in this uh trailer with his polio stricken friend jeff and jeff's baby mama soon well they took the county took the baby so i guess i guess it's still a baby mama though even though yeah yeah so he lives down there well eventually believe it or not someone like chuck can even rub themselves raw on someone like jeff and jeff decided he didn't want chuck around anymore he he kicked him out so you know chuck's getting paid at the end of the it's the end of the day we're done with work and and and and chuck's telling dad this and uh and dad's like well you know how it is and just leaves that he's like basically like every man for himself out here brother you're not coming to my place that sort of thing and so uh dad tells me he says take chuck to the bank pay him then take him to and then uh if he wants to go to the liquor store take him there too and that's what he told him and i'd done that before you know i'd go to the bank give the business card get get him his cash pay him take him home whatever so i take chuck we get his cash 80 bucks you know it's a couple days work take him to the liquor store and he comes out and he's got a i'm sorry don't let me get don't let me [ __ ] this up so i drive chuck down to the end of the driveway and chuck says hang on a minute i need to get a few things before we go could you drop me off at uh at whoever's house that's that's just down the road and i was like yeah yeah i'll do that after the liquor store sure i'll do that for you because he's been kicked out right so he throws all of his [ __ ] in the back of my truck trash bags of of clothes trash bags of shoes and four television sets he had four of them don't ask me i didn't ask him four television sets loaded up in the back of my truck bank liquor store he comes out brown paper bag and a ginger rail and i'm just about to tell him you know hey man no drinking in the car right you know no drink in the car i'll get you to where you're going but i see that he's just cracking up the ginger ale so so i you know back up you know i'm driving and he tells me where we're going it's like 10 minutes away and i'm like what the [ __ ] i didn't sign up for this [ __ ] like this is [ __ ] all right [ __ ] i'll drive you there so i'm driving there and i look over he's got a pint in one hand and the ginger ale on the other and he's going glow glue wow he's two fist in that [ __ ] chasing it down and there was no point in stopping him at this point i would rather him have an empty bottle of liquor than a half full bottle of liquor so i just shook my [ __ ] head and i was just like what the [ __ ] are you doing man cracking that [ __ ] open here i'm i'm like seventeen like this is not gonna i'm the one that'll get the [ __ ] open container charge i get him down to where he's going it's these like pretty crummy apartments pretty pretty seedy if i'm being honest i wouldn't stay there i wouldn't want to and uh he's he's right there where we're going man but uh i ain't allowed down there [Laughter] how about you drop me off right here and you go down there as apartment 4b and ask her if if chuck come stay and i'm like oh my gosh okay well i've come this far chuck chuck hops out of the [ __ ] car i drive down there knock on the door it wasn't really a door it's kind of this metal gate thing kind of a cage more of a bar door this disgusting woman comes out like 240 pounds she's wearing like a house dress i suppose you'd call it a nice yeah basically like with the buttons and i can see a little titty like like between this button and this button like like her hits are so big that they're like between this button and this button there's some titties showing and it's not it's not good good afternoon madam there is a chuck gabriel who sent me calling and he would like to know if he could come stay here with you forthwith you tell that son of a [ __ ] ain't never allowed back down here anymore i shoot his ass you touching me he comes here me or donny won a shooter's ass very well [Laughter] got cops in the truck he goes how'd it go man i don't think it's gonna work out chuck well i guess i could go stay at mama's old place and i was like where's that and it's actually about where we started this whole journey right there i assume that he means he's going to go live with his mother no his mother's in a nursing home and his there is an abandoned house no electricity no running water no utilities of any kind and until to this day that is where chuck is i can't oh my god i could take you there right [ __ ] now he's in there laying in a sleeping bag asleep stoned out of his [ __ ] gourd i got two or three more of these each one playable show through a speaker like i swear i hear an echo yes someone is a little bit yeah i i think it's coming through on on wolfson a little bit when i speak up too loud really yeah maybe it's not too bad so one night like i said no electricity he knocked over some sort of oil lantern they had his light and set the whole [ __ ] place on fire and but it didn't burn the place down it just sort of scorched the room like everything all the you know all the fat you know the curtains the whatever the blankets on the floor all that [ __ ] burn up but there wasn't enough to catch the wood on fire and really burn the place down so the whole room was just scorched so for months afterward chuck was also scorched from he was filthier than he ever was and that's saying something my father's room was like that growing up oh it was yeah dude your stories are so much better than like my dad's story like my father had a um an alcoholic working for him but he felt bad for him so he sent him to rehab and paid for it until he was rehabilitated [Laughter] besides the cannon housing projects chuck is also banned from going in the local grocery store uh his side of the story was that they were giving him old food back in the deli and when they got caught giving it to him they lied and said he was stealing it he was probably just stealing that [ __ ] food in any case chuck is not allowed back at the grocery store nearest his home so he i see him riding his bike around town all the time he wears this little war cap how did he lose his awesome job though because you did an awesome job working for your dad oh um let's see how did it all end what was the last straw oh chuck took my dad's uh kawasaki mule which is i don't know eight thousand dollar atv type thing and ran it into it ran into his buddy jeff's trailer drunk correct it oh yeah he crashed that [ __ ] thing into a trailer and uh and it's it's like all plastic on the front like a big bumper and there's a hood that pops up with storage inside and all that got cracked and [ __ ] up and that was the that was the last drop wow that's messed up yeah the guy was probably oh century was more productive than that guy one more chuck was hospitalized for a gunshot wound self-inflicted chuck's side of this i'm gonna guess my caliber was 22. close uh 30 80. i think it was a 22. it was either 22 or a 25 and here's his side of the story he was sitting on the porch at that abandoned house which is a good deal off the road i'd say you know 50 yards maybe and he says someone was driving down the road he heard a gunshot and he was hit [Laughter] here's here's the problem with all that though the bullet is the roof his mouth wow that's a hell of a drive-by shooting i don't know if he was yeah did it go through his chin or was it just the roof yeah he shot through the palate of his mouth i think he missed the tongue and it was stuck in the roof of his mouth suicide or carelessness oh it's hard to say it's chuck one more this is the last one i promise you guys i got time you could just be trying to clean your driving his bicycle keep in mind it's like an old like schwinn bicycle or something like it's not a cool one it's got fenders on it right he's driving his bicycle uh down the road and he claims that someone came out of nowhere and ran him off the road he was probably just high and stoned and drunk and crashed but broke his [ __ ] leg in the ditch on a bicycle right this is not the kind of guy who could afford to be immobile no the hospital knew him as a prescription pill abuser and they wouldn't give anything for a broken leg oh no oh wow no i will say this though anytime my dad gets some like nasty liquor or wine or like you know that big like someone gives him some booze that he doesn't want puts in chuck's mailbox it just gets gone doesn't duck must think it's the liquor fairy kill yourself here's some more booze one more and i swear to god this is the last one this is from my dad's point of view i wasn't there for this one dad goes to this abandoned house one time to pick him up for work he hadn't seen him in a while he he's standing on the porch kind of knocking on the door and he hears a voice from inside it's not chuck's voice i see you out there you big old son of a [ __ ] i got something right here for you i'm gonna kill you this time and that's that's like i'm creeping away at this point and you hear this guy in there just come on in here i got something for you right here big boy he didn't know it was dad apparently somebody had coming down there and just beating them up like they were some like neighborhood punks because they are right next to next like a bad area who just been coming down there and beating them up and chuck's buddies in there with like probably the same pistol that that chuck actually shot himself i accidentally shot himself with like ready to blow somebody away that was like so i don't think i'll go down there no more but i've remember there was this guy um chuck i've probably told some chuck stories before but basically here's the deal chuck lived in a in a trailer on a property that was attached to the back end of my dad's property he was basically a hobo he's still alive he still is a hobo he's got this crazy long beard he's he's like 50 no no that's the thing he was my mother's age like like in her early 40s but he looked ancient he looked 60. um and his fingers were yellow from from all the cigarettes he smoked and he always drink like red dog beer but he was my liquor hook up you know i'd take chuck to the liquor store give him 20 bucks for and you know he'd come back with 12 pack of beer and get himself a little bottle and we that was a fair exchange and it was always funny because like that was one of the ways that like um like girls would need alcohol and i can help you out with that i'm not talking about younger girls i'm talking about like i'm also underage like i'm helping girls my hobo your 18 year old peers yeah i'm helping my peers get alcohol and so we go pick chuck up so it's like and i'd have the girls in the car with me so every time chuck saw me i i had like three or four hot chicks with me he just thought i was literally a pimp he asked me one time he said man are you slinging that [ __ ] and i went what he said are you slinging that [ __ ] because i'd like to get a slice and i was like no no no those no well i mean kind of but no my dad sent me a text message yesterday and it's this uh says piece of paper and there's a post note on it that says colon cancer it has spread to lymph nodes and uh liver and i was like oh no i called him i was freaking out it's chuck oh choke the alcoholic dude no the alcoholic worked for him years back poor old chuck he could have mentioned that with the text jesus that would have been a good lead-in problem what are you doing you're a terrible texter your father's tech incompetency is great yeah i like you awful yeah it's freaking out yeah liver cancer very common i feel like that's not one i feel like booze boozers get like cirrhosis colon cancer and then it spread to liver and lymph nodes chuck looks like he's not gonna how old is chuck 50 50. so he's a hardcore sun up to sundown boozer and he ends up getting taken out by cancer that's probably not the yeah he shot himself and survived that wow he's really been hit by a car this doesn't sound like a great he was in prison he was in jail when i was in jail like like my second day in jail they will chuck in in a wheelchair he was happy to be there egg salad sandwiches at all in his mustache and beer hey man what's going on that's that's an excellent chuck impression by the way what's going on let's get chuck on the show yeah chuck's had a a ridiculous little life there he i i think he's lived without electricity for a decade now my first experience at an in-n-out burger i was being driven around by this like uh assistant type guy who was driving me out to do some filming and and he was african-american and he was describing me like all of the uh the celebrities that he had worked with i guess he was his thing was like he was a driver slash assistant and he was talking about how like you know this celebrity was a prick like he told me to go get him some apples and i brought him apples back and he was like what is this i wanted organic apples then like spat apple at him and it was like like talking about these ridiculous things oh i can't say that bieber no but he there were two skinheads over sitting in the grass like staring at us while we were eating our in-n-out burger and and he he was like like he kept looking over at him he was like see those guys i was like i was like yeah there's two guys over there he's like yeah he's like i think we better book it i'm like what are you talking about he's like i don't like how they're looking at me dog they looking at me like they want to come over here and have a little in and out burger with me he's like he's like i don't know what to do with this trash we will you put this trash out and i'm like yeah sure so like that i had to walk the trash over to the trash can because he was literally afraid that these two skinhead guys were like gonna beat him up at the in and out burger was he a black guy yeah you just have to be like look over there jews driving up the grocery store i was just going to get some bread milk and some other [ __ ] like random [ __ ] and um they've got those like hash marks where it's like oh this is for people walking only you know you have to stop whatever the crosswalk yeah i think and there was a man who weighed i'm gonna guess 500 pounds in a like electric scooter and the scooter didn't have the power to haul his enormous girth so his wife or late friend whatever was towing him like a mule wait are you kidding me like i'm like a like a making this up like she's towing him like a mule she has both of her hands behind her pulling like loving it like on the front of the scooter there's like a like a basket like a heart to put your groceries and she has both hands on it towing him like a mule and and i have to stop to like wait on them to like get past me to their [ __ ] car so i'm just sitting there you know put on the brakes or whatever and i look to my left and there's a black guy there sitting on the bench and uh he looks at the fat [ __ ] and i look at the fat [ __ ] and then we both look at each other and i've got my sunglasses on but i just like raised my eyebrows so so high that like you can tell and we both crack out crack up laughing like looking at each other and like like pointing at the fat guy it was such a it was such a [ __ ] brilliant moment of me and this random stranger both was just just just laughing at this freak of nature making his way across the the crosswalk it was it was a good day it it i was having kind of a shitty day you know i had to go like but run a bunch of errands i don't like doing that i go to the bank and like change rent like change my mailing address and do much a rounding number of [ __ ] and i'm paying some taxes and this is boring it's not it's no fun but when i got to mock a fat man with a random stranger at the supermarket today that really perked me up made me feel good i hate fat people i hate them okay because i see in them my own weakness i may have told this story before but i went on spring break whenever i graduated high school and we were on the 12th floor of this hotel now i don't know whose idea that was but it was a terrible idea if they had known that i was going on the trip because i like to break stuff and i mean you know we're i'm 18 years old i'm actually one of the oldest people that are there a lot of them are 17 so like i'm like yeah yeah all right i made two now and like we we have been drinking on the beach and we come back to the apart to the uh the hotel and you know those big luggage carts like the things that the bell had to use yes they're like got the big brass like metal part and a thing to put suitcases on and all that stuff those things are heavy they weigh about 100 pounds i'd say and me and two my buddies are walking up the room and there's one of those parked there and the way this hotel is shaped it's shaped like an o um it's it's a circular hotel and in the center of that o is this long shaft that goes all the way down to the bottom and you know it's open and there's a courtyard in the bottom of it so the rooms are in a circular sort of thing i don't know if you can imagine that but basically you can look down through the middle of the hotel over a balcony down in this courtyard 120 feet okay and i'm like i'm like yeah exactly i'm like let's throw that luggage cart down there and i'm coming like come on i'm like this is in the interior of a building as you led to the story i'm picturing you throwing it outside on the sidewalk interior um there's not anybody down there though it's it's three in the morning it's all safe well of course marginally marginal margin i'm like boom let's throw this thing off the off the railing and so me and my buddy boom we push it up there and i go i'm like all right you get that set i'll get this out he's like no man no this is all me right here and i'm like that's even better plausible than my ability i'm like let me wipe my prints off first so he picks them up he picks the thing up over his head and he's like [ __ ] he's like trembling it's so heavy you know he's like trying to keep his balance and he just like throws it off the edge of the balcony and we look down and there's these there's a few seconds of complete and utter silence as this thing spit it's like it's like a movie it's spinning [Music] as it as it just speeds to the bottom of this uh this balcony when it hits the bottom there happened to be a concrete bench down there and it hits it with the force of a nuclear weapon oh no it's the loudest explosion you've ever heard and the concrete bench explodes pieces of the luggage cart go everywhere and we're like that was cool the next morning because yeah i'm waiting for the repercussions someone knocks on the door and we're all like i mean i'm not gonna lie we're all laying in there half naked and drunk there's like i wake up and i don't even know there's no girls there yeah oh yeah that's i i'm don't paint the wrong picture here i wake up there's two girls in my bed and i only know one of them so i go to the door because my [ __ ] i go to the door because my my buddy was like bitching out he's like terrified of who's knocking the door i'm like dude answer the door so like go i answered the door and uh and there's this woman with two guards behind her and she's the hotel manager and i turn around like look back into the apartment which is littered with alcohol i'm talking like 20 liquor bottles laying everywhere two people passed out on the floor i'm like she doesn't need to see this so i edge my way out into the hallway and start talking to them and they're like we need to go we need to go inside and i'm like all right so long story short boone ended up taking the rap for it and while we all partied at spring break he was doing community service for the hotel picking up garbage and uh and his parents drove all the way from north georgia down to panama picked him up and drove back without saying a word to him the whole time but it was happening it seemed like a good idea it was a great idea i'm so glad we did that i you should have seen it man you're so glad he did that and you didn't oh yeah oh god if i'd done that my parents would have murdered me you know i've never i've never came across life where i was looking at [ __ ] like i wonder what that would look like if he was in pieces i've never done that oh god that's me that's that's a perfect description of me a while back a few years ago where there wasn't a lot of privacy like by my my bedroom was in a loft and it was just exposed to the rest of the house so i couldn't really have sex if kitty was at home so that meant that sometimes if i had a lady i'd have to go to a hotel so i had been going to this yeah i did look at my and now we're here um so for a long time um i was going to the holiday inn every time that i had a girl and so the guy and i'd always see the same night guy you know and i'd be like yeah let me get a king room etc and uh and after a while there was one night it was halloween night and i was meeting a girl there and uh and i he said hey man i don't mean to pry or anything but are you married is that's what's going on here and i'm i'm like no no no i'm not married um no he's like are they prostitutes and i'm like no absolutely not i'm not paying for sex no i wouldn't when no i've and i got a little offended by it and everything i i was like no i i just you know i it's i just paid for the room i explained my situation i i was like no i have a friend back at my house it's not appropriate because it's an open-air sort of uh living environment right now and so uh and right at that moment when i was all indignant and like no this is how it is my date walks in in her halloween costume she didn't go with [ __ ] nerds she wants [ __ ] [ __ ] she's dressed as a [ __ ] here is a [ __ ] she's wearing like like fishnet stockings and hooker heels and a short short short skirt that's barely covering everything and like this tube top thing and big hoop earrings and hooker makeup and this whole thing like apparently her and all of her girlfriends had dressed up as [ __ ] for the night and they had a pips and hose party or something like that you know where like the guys dressed as pimps or something and i was i just looked at the guy and i was like [ __ ] muslim i can't explain my way out of this he's not gonna believe a word of it so let's just just all right come on let me just take my horde in my room now and just give up that was that was that was great i i never went back to that when i started going to the la quinta afterwards so i would have to deal with the awkwardness yeah i had taken them before but i like you buy mushrooms like marijuana like by the ounce by like quarter ounces or eight thousands and stuff like that you know and i don't know what the dosage is you know just like like i'm a real noob as far as i've never taken them before i don't know how much i need but somebody just had this amount they were like yeah i think 50 75 or something for a little bag but we were so afraid of them that we took a little to see what would happen and then we took a little more than the first time the next day to see what happened and by the time we'd done that experimenting phase we didn't get enough of a dosage to do anything so we just wasted all the mushrooms by not taking enough at once so cup three years later i get some more mushrooms and i'm talking a completely different girl at this point i'm like hey i have some mushrooms would you like to try them and she's like [ __ ] yeah i would she used to do heroin she don't give a [ __ ] so not really and uh get off her back she was nice and we're not gonna get into this okay and she she was very she was very nice uh and uh so they taste like [ __ ] they're dried up like gross mushrooms so i would take a chip dip it in salsa and then put a mushroom on top and then nom nom nom that all up because the salsa and the chip like the mixture of the intense flavor of the salsa with the consistency of the chip kind of masks the fact that you're eating like a chewy crunchy nasty mushroom that's not meant to be eaten it's not real food and i ate a lot and then for some reason i i don't know why we i was like well let's go to dinner now so we get in the car and we drive to dinner and all of a sudden i'm like you know the interstate's starting to look like a tunnel it's starting to look like i'm driving down a tunnel here why did we leave the house again she's like i don't know if we go to walmart i have to pick up some odds and ends and so i've got this now's the time to do it now it's time to do it so we're standing in line and i've got this bag of carrots and she's like uh and i'm starting i start feeling like i'm having a panic attack which i have like maybe twice a year and and i'm getting sweaty and nauseous and pale and sticky and and i'm like i'm gonna go to the bathroom and i start walking toward the men's room i hand her the carrots and i start walking toward the walmart bathroom and my vision is closing in you know it's it's like if you stand up too quickly and everything gets fuzzy and you're browning out when it happens because you the blood isn't you know i'm gonna blood your brain that's what's happening to me and it's slowly coming down to this pinpoint you know my vision is and i walked right past the bathroom and fell unconscious right into one of those things you hang sunglasses on you know those rolly those rolly the loudest thing to fall into all face first into it and one of the pegs cuts my [ __ ] head open i wake up lying on the floor in walmart surrounded by a crowd of people and they're all looking at me like when was this dying dude they say that doesn't matter you are an adult on your own oh yeah this is not all that long ago okay kyle like kyle kyle back this up they say the best way to experience a shrimp strip is to have lots of strangers staring at you so how did you get from we're going to dinner to i need walmart carrots my friend called me she needed carrots i said okay don't ask why about my decision-making process i already decided to go to dinner after eating mushrooms none of it makes sense i know that now you have friends that call you for carrots yes a lot of people call me for vegetables all the time that was just the most interesting part of the story but i didn't i'm glad he brought it up that yeah do you have an egg for my cake yeah you know skinned baby carrots i called that was a friendship test right there somebody was like how do you know this guy i know him so well if i call him for carrots at 7 45 on a thursday those carrots are on the way no i've got a house thing to have i've got a housemate who's handicapped and she can't drive so i get her groceries for her is that okay just to make it yeah it was kitten so made you some carrots and she did not know that i was not in any place to be getting carrots and i didn't want to tell her so i wake up sitting on my ass at walmart and when i say i was blind i don't mean that my vision was blurry i mean that my eyeballs no longer process light in any way i mean that i was blind and everything was darkness and i could only hear people and i'm going to say it lasted for a good 40 seconds and i'm i'm trying to tell myself you'll be able to see in a minute you'll be able to see in a minute but part of me is like did both your eyes go into one of those sunglass pegs and you're actually blind right now but nobody was screaming so finally like my vision starts coming back and there's people all around me and someone hands me a gatorade and i start sipping on that i'm feeling better by the moment like every moment i feel a little stronger a little more steady this lady identifies herself as a nurse and she's like what happened what happened i was like oh my blood sugar's low you know i my blood sugar's low i i have hypoglycemia i i i must have fainted i was trying to get the bathroom to splash some water in my face and and they bring now a chair has been produced i sit in the chair and the group there's still a crowd i mean like 15 or 20 people and i'm just like sipping the stuff and she's like i called the emts they're on the way and i'm like oh no call him back and it's at this point where the girl that i'm with reaches through the crowd like like like god and grabs my hand says get up you're coming with me and i go i go thank god you're here and the nurse goes he's not going anywhere i'm i'm a nurse he needs to stay here until the emt arrives and my girl also a nurse she goes so am i he's coming with me and i'm like thank you and we start walking toward the door doctor we start walking do i know the door nah okay we start walking toward the door different different nurse uh we start walking toward the uh the door and a police officer passes me and i'm like oh okay and we we get right outside right outside the doors of walmart and the police officer has made it to the scene of the incident been informed that i am the incidente and now she has caught back up with me she's like hey why are you running from me and i'm like what do you what do you mean she's like you you're running for me i'm like are you here for me what did i do she's like did you fall i'm like yeah is that a crime i was like i have low blood sugar i tripped him there is am i in trouble she's like um well now she's confused he's like um well well no are you okay i'm like yeah i'm good i'm gonna go with some barbecue though you know there's a sonny's barbecue right over here you broke like 60 oakleys the damage is is in the threes of dollars she's like well and then the emt shows right up and he's and they got like this meta pack thing on their shoulder he's like where's the guy and she's like this is him and i'm like hey guys how's it going thinking god thank god i have my sunglasses on because my pupils are this [ __ ] good they're like you're the guy and i'm like yeah yeah i just and this guy's a good old boy i can tell by his accent so i'm just like yeah man you know i i just got low blood sugar i tripped and fell in there i'm trying to get over to sonny's get some of that barbecue in me and he said well [ __ ] have get get that pork three-way that's good and we get in my car and we go to [ __ ] sunnies and have the most terrifying barbecue dinner of our lives man that shrimp's experience doesn't sound fun at all never again don't do drugs kids only there was an app that you could have gotten the sonny's brought to you oh i didn't see i lived in the country back then there was no delivery i couldn't even get dom and it was delivered it was always the one i want to go home i always had the worst drug dealers oh they were the worst that one guy i'd go to his house and we'd be down in his basement where he had all his plants and all these degenerates would be hanging around to get free weed pretending like they're his friends and and i just want to buy and leave and and they're just all such losers they're just the worst kinds of people that's where i had that conversation were outs out back like smoking a cigarette and i'm like uh you know someone brought up meth methamphetamine like randomly and i was like meth not even once am i right and they went well i've tried it a few times and the other and i was like [ __ ] and the other guy goes yeah i like to get a little crispy every now and then and i was just like a little crispy well it's my cute off [ __ ] run away you need a spear you need to hit your drug dealer and be like i need one ounce alaskan purple dragon slayer faster is better you would expect that dude but he you can't do it that same way treat him like a barber go ahead kyle sorry he would be like i you know i tell him what i wanted he'd be like all right let me go bag it up and it took him like 20 minutes while he had a whole conversation with me telling me stories depressing stories he never had bags he always had to like make these bootleg bags out of like plastic wrap and a soldering gun did he ever did he ever use the cellophane off of a cigarette container and then solder that i would buy in such quantities that that wouldn't that wouldn't work but i have purchased weed where it was in the cellophane of a cigarette like the selfie that comes off about a packet of cigarettes and then they put it in their roll up and then melt the top and it's just like this is some ghetto [ __ ] boys they just they just give it to him in like a kroger shopping bag yeah you know i i buy at least an ounce at a time like like they were the most depressing parts of my week when i would go see this guy and and he was like a friend of a friend of a friend like that he was so far disconnected from like my little social group he was just such all right well usually when you call somebody a loser what you mean is like they're bad at life and they like like like through their own through things they've done to themselves is it this guy had loserdom thrust upon him though like through a series of unfortunate events he was i've told the story before but like there was this one like nine month to 12 month period where he kept being seriously injured and mangled like like while just trying to work a job and provide for a family that's what had driven him to selling marijuana and driving along a long-haul truck was he he just kept getting injured severely through no real fault of his own like he was in this construction job kfc he was he worked construction and and uh they were putting like a 10 roof on a house and he was on top and there's a guy on the bottom pushing this big sheet of tin toward him the guy on the bottom was all [ __ ] up on meth and like got too aggressive and the guy is holding a sheet of tin at the top and the guy at the bottom shoves it so hard that he like he cuts a bunch of the tendons in my boy's hand and like cripples his hand they've got to go in and like reattach tendons well now he can't use his right hand for like months as a construction worker he doesn't get like a million dollars for that no no if you look up how much people like that get from the government on injuries it's depressing it's like oh you lose an eye yeah we'll throw you 50k but what about afternoon steve is like what i need to hire an attorney you can't you don't get it from the government you get it from the company you know this is like billy bob's construction company all the tv attorneys salivate over cases like that well like no no uh so so now he's got a crippled right hand that's gonna take months to recover well he's like hey i'm pretty good with my left let's keep [ __ ] working i'm a man i provide for my family so they're like he's at a different construction job in like a sub basement where they're hammering rebar into like mostly dry concrete like it's it's wet enough that you can hammer rebar into it but it's dry enough that that's still an effort and i don't know if the a chip of steel came off the hammer or the rebar but hammers are this like really tempered steel and when a chip comes off of a hammer it has this shocking amount of velocity to it because it wasn't they're not supposed to chip so if they have chipped it's it's deceptively extreme in nature and so a chip of of hardened steel comes off this hammer and hits him in the chest a small piece like really small and and he's like oh that hurt and uh his buddy goes what and looks over at him he goes he's like dude what happened he's like what do you mean he's like have you been shot and he looks down and his chest is covered in blood and it's running down his leg now because this thing has gone so deeply into his chest that the er thinks it's a gunshot wound and they think he's lying about a gunshot wound to get out of some sort of trouble they're like you can tell us if this is gang-related or something like like you could say it was an accident we just need to know what kind of firearm it was and he's like i i was swinging a hammer at work and they're like sure you were so finally they i don't even think they got the chip out i don't think they could get it out so they just patch him back up and so now he's got this chip of steel in a not so healthy spot inside his chest now he's like well my troubles have to be behind me you know i need something i need a recreational vehicle i'd love to just have some fun in in my spare time while i'm on workman's compensation i'd like to get a four wheeler an atv so he goes to this guy's house to buy a used atv on the you know on the cheap and uh he's in the guy's backyard the sun's going down it's getting pretty dark and he's got he's got one hand his his bad hand uh operating the throttle and his left hand he sort of got like swaying by his side hanging loosely unbeknownst to him someone has taken the cover off of the chain oh no of the the the atv and it's a it's a manual so the chain is spinning back there until you hit the clutch and put her in gear so it's just spinning his hand goes into the chain and gets drug into the sprocket it cuts off one finger it cuts the tip off another and it mangles the third so now his left hand is crippled his right hand is crippled and his chest is all bandaged up and he's like you know what i'm gonna sell some weed i'm just gonna sell some weed can't nobody hurt me if i'm in my basement water in my weed plants mm-hmm well did he grow it he grew it yeah i was even pulling the trigger on the spritzer bottle get the electric spritzer and the electric springs nothing bad can happen to me as long as i'm here i'll drive my big rig i'll provide for my wife and child so i've been going to him for a few months now and i feel awful for him so i always buy buy a little extra like like i pay him well like he's like ah yeah it's 290 for an ounce i'm like here's 300 you know i'm i'm the good guy here's your extra 10 tip or whatever but you know i'll try to have i had these long awful conversations with him about how awful his life is and he's always giving me discounts on stuff and asking my advice on various aspects of his life well one time he wasn't there um but his wife was and and and i i went to the door and i'm like hey uh bill told me to come by he said i could get some and i'm not sure how in the know she is about his whole weed industry so i can get a little pot from him you know and she's like how much you want and i'm like an ounce and a half call call it 375 let's do 400. she's like whatever whatever she comes back big big ass bag of weed so i already knew that she was kind of a shitty person she just seemed a little rude or maybe she was annoyed didn't want to be a pot salesman i could understand that for sure too but i'm a nice guy i'm not showing up all weird i find out she's been cheating on him the whole time while he's gone and is in his [ __ ] big rig the reason she doesn't she was annoyed with me was because she had a dude showing up pretty soon and she needed me she needed all the witnesses out of there because his his weed sales were cramping her style because she's only got so much time because she's gotta send her kid to her parents house she's got to arrange this boyfriend to come over while her husband is away and hide the boyfriend from his weed clientele friends in quotation marks and uh they used to have a better marriage but her big thing was getting fingered and [Laughter] it was the most depressing [ __ ] ever he lost the house he lost her she took his fingers he lost the he lost the truck everything he lost the truck he lost it all he was making payments on it you know like most of those guys are they don't own those trucks out right there dad dad had a lady over the other day uh he had never had her over before and um it's it's kind of weird to get to his address uh because it's kind of like a hidden driveway so he has this lady come to the driveway that leads to his farm instead because it's easier to see from the highway and uh so she he's parked in like his like atv thing like uh it's like um i don't know what to call it's it's it's one of those big like it's got a dump bed on the back and a bit and like two rows of seats and anyway it's like it's a big atv thing and uh he's got he's always got he's got all these dogs he's rescued that people have dumped out he's literally got like three or four farm dogs with him all the time and they live they live at the farm and he takes care of them well she pulls up gets out of her car and he notices she's slurring her speech a little bit and he's like ah that's never a good sign well sometimes it's a good sign but probably not right now that's not good and right as he's noticing that the dog two of the dogs start having the most ridiculous dog fight of all time the rope that one of them has bit the other one on the neck and they've both started rolling like two fur balls just screaming and howling and growling and he's trying to stop them get them apart well he was parked right over a creek there's like a drainage pipe that runs under the road and he was parked right on top of it the dogs roll into the creek and he quickly sees that if he doesn't intervene one of the dogs is literally gonna drown the other one in the [ __ ] creek and the woman's the woman is screaming and so so he runs down the bank jumps into the creek and he's and one of the dogs is literally holding the other one under the water [ __ ] drowning it and so he reaches down in the water and he grabbed a police dog by chance no that's the one [ __ ] kitty's got hurt i wish it would drown in a bowl his dog he pulls the drowning dog up out of the water and he looks behind him and she has rolled down the [ __ ] bank and she's in the creek too now she was like all dressed up and now she's like chest deep in the creek and so he hands her a dog he's like here take this one and he gets the other one and they're fighting to get toward each other and finally like you know he's like slapping the dog around like stop [ __ ] stop and the dogs stop so they start climbing up the bank and it's all you know it's georgia so it's this red muddy clay that we have here it's gross they get up the top of the bank they when they started this [ __ ] meeting they've only known each other for 10 minutes now when they started they were both dressed really nicely they're dressed for a date essentially and now they are both soaking wet and covered in mud and she just has made it to the top of the the bank to where the road is again and he starts to like sort of like well that was kind of crazy huh and she trips and falls and rolls all the way back down into the creek again and now just [ __ ] yes so now she crawls all the way back up and she's now she's just completely filthy she's covered in this mud she's got like creek weed on her or whatever the [ __ ] and and he's like all right we've we've got to clean up this is ridiculous she follow me back over to my house so she gets in her car and he gets on his little uh atv and he put her in the bed she's a mess it was her car so he didn't care if she messed it up or not i guess so they drive to his house and he's like we gotta get a shower so they both get into the shower naked together and i'm like ah this thing's gonna work out nicely she's like yeah and he's like she's still slurring her speech a little bit but she seems to be okay so she's like i'm gonna i'll wash your back and he's like all right sounds good to me so he you know he passes her the soap and she's washing his back and everything and they're they're in the shower and all of a sudden he hears she has fallen out of the shower grab the shower curtain and on the way down she's ripped every shower ring as she fell fallen head first into the toilet which is next to the disability what a careless [ __ ] she's fallen onto the toilet and knocked the toilet off of its like and it has parkinson's now there's water flooding now there's water flooding because she has broken the toilet by she's hit it at the perfect angle she's fallen out of the shower hit the top of like like the toilet and knocked it over and the water is flowing up now how large is this woman regular size she just hit it just right apparently okay so it's gracious they get out still a little soapy but they dry off anyway because goddamn we've got a new problem to solve so he gets the water cut off to that he like turns the the knob or whatever and that's all good although now we're down to three toilets in the two toilets in the home and you gotta keep your eye on this one and she's knocking them out left and right [Laughter] you got water damage to deal with now probably ah his tile floor it'll be fine but but so so then like he puts her clothes and his clothes into the washing machine and he's had that washing machine for at least 10 12 years or something like that it's not like a new fancy digital one it's the old like crank the knob kind of washing machine so puts all the clothes in there grabs her some like pajama type clothes he puts on some clothes and he's like let's uh let's step out on the back porch and just relax for a minute would you like a beer and she's like yeah so they get they each get a get a beer and they they go to the back porch he's got a nice little back porch area you can sit in a swing he's got a little garden out there the swimming pool's just beyond that it's a nice little place though is she wearing his clothes did you say that he had some pajamas or something he put in some sweatpants a t-shirt whatever well while he had gone to get the beers she had started tinkering with the washing machine because she wanted cold cold not hot cold on her clothes she didn't want them to shrink well because she changed to cold cold mid-cycle she has confused the washing machine when they walk back into the laundry room from like this little back porch area the whole laundry room is flooded so is the kitchen so is the kitchen and the bathroom which is attached now the bathroom is flooded again the kitchen is flooded completely and the entire laundry room which is a big laundry room as big as this whole room i'm in flooded flooded flooded the whole washing machine is overfilling overfilling and he's like the [ __ ] did you do what have you done now and you know what you're saying that's reasonable i would put to you that it is not if i go to once let's say i go to kyle's house or your house and i fall out of the shower and my head shatters the porcelain everywhere that's possible you know how many things in your house i'm gonna touch from that second on zero i'll i'll be letting you guys open the fridge for me to get a soda i'll be like hey kyle everybody do you mind if i grab now watch the whole process remember got it and we're done i would not be [ __ ] around with settings this [Laughter] so yeah like that's totally her fault you should not be [ __ ] with settings on people's appliances after you do something like that you should be thankful they're not kicking you out okay she spent the night tonight he wakes up the next morning wakes up the next morning can't find her where is she where's she going he thought the worst he's like what has she done now she's falling out he throws open the bedroom door runs into the living room looking around for a fire or a hole in the entire wall of the house or a car parked in the kitchen a cool man-shaped hole in the side you inspect your septic tank or like she's going to check the attic insulation and her feet are just hanging from the ceiling kicking it's like like some [ __ ] home alone [ __ ] but she slips on a bunch of marbles and steps turns out the bed was just too stiff for her she went to sleep on the couch he put her in her car directed her toward her home and he has not seen her since oh look how she succumbed to the full paint can top of the stairs looking for our home she dodged the first two don't they all no one expects the third can almost i was secretly hoping that shared experience was the beginning of a relationship ah he'll keep [ __ ] her uh we just did everything gas gas welding the old oxygen and gas that's all we have okay that's the one i've ever done all i could do is acetylene that's all i could do okay you take you take the stick you like it i guess that's what they call it basically take acetylene gas and oxygen mix it together with a welding stick you light the stick and you kind of like just hold it just close to it until it melts it together yeah you know what happens when you mix settling gas and a in a balloon and a lighter what is that third degree burns yeah you got to see a however i took a balloon filled up with a settling gas and it started leaking immediately and i was like i gotta light this quick so i lit it a little lighter and uh it exploded and apparently you know at the time i guess i was like 17 or so and the explosion was massive like three times as big as the balloon itself so it burnt the back of my right hand and uh i went to the emergency room the next day because it didn't seem that bad the first day it was just black it was just black and it was blistered a little bit but i thought it was going to be okay but next day it was obvious i needed to go to the emergency room and i went in and i'll never forget this this doctor he he was a black guy he he says uh he says william man let me see what you got there i sure i show him he's like oh [Laughter] oh dear you you got a heroin bob reaction huh oh dear uh we're not equipped for that um he starts talking about like they're gonna have to do skin grabs for my ass they're telling us all this [ __ ] i'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa hang on a second now i may need a second opinion he's like oh you definitely need a second opinion i'm going to send you to against the burn center in augusta damn tell me more oh they um i got to augusta uh and like they put me in a room with a guy who had been trying to start his uh carburetor engine and by pouring gasoline in and it literally it just burnt the [ __ ] out of him he was he was in there like moaning in pain which is lovely to be in a room with this guy he's like his face is burnt off so i'm sitting over there next to him and uh i don't know they uh they gave me a shot of of of something i i'm gonna assume it was morphine but uh she goes and i felt it right away it was some good stuff and she's like you feel anything i'm like nope so she gets more and she gets about double what she put in the first time and she gives me that she's like you feel anything and i'm really feeling it now i'm like no not really here she goes she goes and like she fills it way up this time she hits me with that and she goes the only thing i go i go whoa she's like there we go i can understand how people become heroin addicts or whatever that stuff put me out i have my memory of the of the you know next hour comes in flashes now because it's like i've been abducted by aliens because i remember then she had this the reason i wanted a bunch of it was because she had her like kit of tools out and it was like scalpels and forceps and uh a scrub pad and all this [ __ ] and i was like i don't want to be awake for this so basically they uh they scrubbed all the skin off the back of my right hand and they put they put this uh this glove on my hand it's basically like artificial skin and i literally have zero scarring you can't tell which hand what i got got burned it's actually amazing i got it because you started talking i'm considered talking like in a waiting room next to this guy with his face that burnoff was it really that [ __ ] grounded in a burn center no it was like we were in the same room it was we shared we were sharing a hospital room oh yeah how's your uh how's the control with the hand now like for the first uh for about a month afterwards like the skin was tight so much so that like i couldn't like make a fist without it being uncomfortable but like now it's fine like i i literally if i show somebody they can't tell which hand got burned and neither can i you did do the physical therapy and all that crap afterwards and all that right no i actually took the glove off about three days early and peeled the scabs off because i'm weird like that jesus i i just i don't know dad you gotta burn so bad that you made a doctor stutter and you didn't go to the emergency room right away i'm a pretty tough guy what can i say i spent the night with my hand in a bucket of ice water and like it was fine but i had these massive blisters on like it's like the knuckles i'm pretty sure they're oh they were massive i'm talking about like quarter-sized blisters like like on the knuckles uh on like all the knuckles of my fingers and on my hand on the back of my wrist basically look down there like yeah i might go to emergency room well they well my parents at the time had went to uh had went to uh tennessee to the mountains they went like to galenberg i guess tennessee and so they weren't there when i did it and i didn't really want to get in trouble for you know doing what i had done so i was like yeah it's not so bad i'm just gonna wrap it up it'll be all good you know no i think getting in trouble is a little less than losing the hand scenarios but there's one time when i was i don't know maybe 11 and i confused like children's motrin which an 11 year old can pop four of or five of with my father's ultrum like back medication that he was given after a ruptured disc surgery some extremely powerful painkillers that that my dad who's like 275 pounds or something like cook like he he's like oh i took half of one they made me so dizzy and lightheaded i don't i can't stand that feeling and like he wouldn't take to me he was like i'll just deal with the pain i take four of them as like an 11 or 12 year old and wake up in the night virtually paralyzed from the waist down my lower body was had you know suit on my lower body was numb i get up and vomiting and and you know i worked it out myself pretty quickly they were like what did you take what have you eaten what you know et cetera et cetera and i was like oh those painkillers i usually i took i took four children's motrin and they're like well let's get them let's look at them and we get them and they're like those are children so you know not emergency trip fast as you can go through every every i just remember every light was green and uh and like i'm over there praying and just just like can't film and i remember we got to the hospital where are you still pretty much paralyzed at this point in the car i was very walking ahead no it was lower it was weird it was my lower body like waist down was like it was like it was asleep but not in a tingly way like in a very numb dead kind of way and i was really stumbling and couldn't walk very well but we get there and they didn't pump my stomach i don't even know what that entails exactly i would imagine you need to be unconscious or something for that but um they they gave me uh that activated charcoal mixed with chocolate milk and that absorbs you know anything and everything all the toxins and then brings it back up and i just remember we're sitting in this uh doctor's office and i'm drinking this stuff and like this back room of the er and they had that fake wood panel wall and i'm staring at it [ __ ] out of my head must have been so hot so high you can imagine a child for the first time taking extremely powerful painkillers i don't even know what they are but i saw the devil in the in the wood and like the artificial wood grain and i was like i see the devil and my dad's like he's saying he sees the what devil should we do about that and the daughter's like where do you see the devil and i'm like on the wall and then they realized that i wasn't like i wasn't saying that i believed the devil was present that i was just like that kind of looks like the devil and then everybody was like saying i see a hippo in the wall yeah yeah you're just describing the shape they thought you were going into a darker place with it exactly yeah but um you know i just remember how terrified my dad was just hauling ass getting into that er as fast as he could and just looking over and like you know are you gonna be all right buddy you're gonna be all right and just just how worried he was and i'd never seen him that scared and i've never hit a woman in anger or anything like that but and i've told the story before so i'll do it kind of quickly i know there's people that haven't heard it uh but but i i met this girl and i was on a road trip one time with my buddies and we we go to this hotel and there's a girl outside the hotel and i meet her and start talking to her and i end up getting her up in my my my hotel room or whatever and uh she's she's [ __ ] crazy lately first she's scratching my back so much while we're [ __ ] that i have to tie her hands up at one point just to just like get her off of my back because she's like scratching like to the blood and uh she at one point she's like she pulls out a box cutter you know like a razor knife and i am immediately like scared and like i'm thinking like all right my gun's over there in the dresser i guess i could like ninja roll and get it if i need to she like she she like extends the box cutter and looks at me she's like topless at this point she's like i want you to cut me and i'm like i take the box cutter and i'm like no no i'm not going to [ __ ] cut you this is going in the drawer this is going in the drawer with the other weapons like like no we're not going to want you to cut her like what did she say like cut my my arm cut my ass cut my we get to that point she just wanted to videotape consent if that's gonna i didn't no because i didn't want to cut a woman i wanted to [ __ ] the woman you would cut her if she asked you to cut her i mean i mean yeah doing worse than cutting a [ __ ] with a with a box cutter but she ends up like [ __ ] at one point she's like yes we're [ __ ] and she's like slap me and i'm like where she's like in the face and so i give her like a like like a little tap and she's like come on [ __ ] and i'm like the [ __ ] all right i give her like what i would call like one quarter slap like maybe like how you would like slap a hamburger patty or something if you're making burgers like you're making a slam burger i don't know like like like and she's like no [ __ ] hit me and i'm like i'm a little scared now so i [ __ ] slugger i give her a 100 slap across the face and she's like yeah that's what i'm talking about so like that had been part of our sex that night well the next morning my cousin comes into the room because he was it was a double room he was supposed to be sleeping one of those beds he was my cameraman and he had had to sleep in the truck with a [ __ ] pillow all night because i've been [ __ ] this chick till like the break of dawn literally he comes in all grouchy and [ __ ] and goes in the shower and everything and and he's just complaining the whole time this is [ __ ] she [ __ ] made me sleep in the truck you could have at least got me another room like ah [ __ ] man i didn't know you're in the truck so like i tell the girl i'm like hey we're gonna we're gonna play a [ __ ] prank on my cousin just just go with me here so like he comes back out of the shower and i'm like look man i'm sorry that you had to do that it's her [ __ ] fault it's all her [ __ ] fault you know what [ __ ] come here and i slugged her in the face again like full force right across the face and she's like wow and my cousin's just like holy [ __ ] no no it's cool it's cool it's cool i i'm gonna go out i'm gonna go outside and smoke just just calm down cops calm down don't hit her again don't hit it again so you're i don't get how women like that they just they enjoy getting beat i enjoy pain well this isn't a hard and fast rule don't assume look like i've known a lot of girls that's the only girl i've ever known who was into getting slapped in the face like that's the i've known girls that one of their titties slapped or their ass slapped and and like wanted held down or tied up or or whatever but like never had i i never before or since have i met a girl who wanted to get slapped in the face like that especially not like full force like i was slapping her i won't say as hard as i could because i didn't like put a push into it like a punch but like a full-on like [ __ ] slap sort of thing to the point where like you can see hand prints on her face like she was into it that's what she wanted i don't know if i would do that that's that's a bit rough because she could like actually claim that you beat her or something if you leave when she leaves if if any cops saw her they they'd probably side with me she had a snake around her neck the whole time and she was talking a lot of crazy [ __ ] you know she she you could tell she wanted it she carried a snake around her neck a livestream a live living snake and at one point when we were making out the snake went like did that tongue thing on me and it like went by my ear and i was like all right snake's got to go so i thought the snake could be here but the snakes got to go i was in one of those bad parts of atlanta the other night so so the bad parts of atlanta aren't necessarily like industrial waste as much as they are like poverty and uh and even in the poverty areas you can find a little charm to it i was in a kind of a rough area the other night i was picking up some friends who were uh out at a a bar club type situation and uh and it was like midnight and i needed to stop and get gasoline pull into the gas station and i'm wearing kind of what i'm wearing now i got i got my jacket and i got a button-up shirt some pants and but i got my i got my flippy floppies on as i want to do and it's cold out though it's it's pretty chilly pumping gas in the car and this black homeless guy starts staggering toward me and he looks out of it like he looks pretty [ __ ] up and his teeth are all [ __ ] up but he only looks like 28 maybe and he's wearing like a it looked like like like something from like a clint eastwood movie this like poncho type thing he's wearing it all his clothes are mismatched and stuff and i can't [ __ ] hear him over the gas pump in my radio and i'm just like i can't hear you and he's like i'm like i can't [ __ ] hear you dude what what and he like comes closer and closer and he's like i don't have any cash and he's i don't want no cash i just wanted some food maybe maybe some coffee it's cold and i was like [ __ ] all right i'll meet you in the store i'll meet you in the store let me finish my gas so i finished pumping my gas hang everything up lock my car and uh giving him a thumbs down look at his eye that crying indian on the side of the road like but you said no so i go in the store and i already feel like i feel like i have walked into a fine establishment with my dog and my dog has pissed on the rug that's how i'm being looked at by everyone in the establishment because it's obvious that he's with me yeah and and he goes over and starts making coffee and i and and i could see he's like looking at the honey buns and i was like get whatever you want just get whatever you want um you know i'll be up here i'll pay for it whenever big spender anything in this whole quick circle k yeah the circle k is your oyster right now make it happen and so he took it to heart he's back there looking around five minutes have passed and like like which doesn't seem like that long but it's a long time when i'm just standing up by the counter with everybody else like holding my red bull and this uh the the indian guy behind the counter is like 25 years old and he's like that's gonna end up being one expensive red bull you've got there and i'm like i didn't even want the red bull i i should be down the road by now picking my friends up and so like i look and i'm just like hey man you know come on let's let's wrap it up here you know let's come on come on he's now he's got four bags of food like cookies what a [ __ ] [ __ ] he's got gummy worms a honey bun a bag of cookies like like the essentials yeah stuff that you need if you're starving yeah and a cup of noodles and a cup of noodles he's got all this stuff and it's a little plastic cup woody with a foil top that peels off yeah where does he have he's got a microwave around the corner we'll get to that okay we'll get to that so he he goes back to his coffee it seems like he's been making this coffee forever and it's it's gas station coffee you just fill and put your [ __ ] in and stir and you're done but he's got the biggest one like light it's this big it's as big as my cup that i'm holding and and he's just i'm watching him he's got his cookies it's that bag of cookies that like the top rolls down like the nice like milano cookies or whatever the [ __ ] he's got milano cookies circles he's got gummy rings like the sour patch kids gummy rings that are like like like rings of gummy coated in sugar he's got um some chips or some [ __ ] and he's got the um the cup of noodles and now he's over there still making that coffee and it's just cream cream cream sugar sure sure stir stir stir cream cream and then it doesn't sound like good coffee guy goes how many are you going to put in there how many he yells it and he's like i only put three and i'm in my head i'm like dude i've seen you put like eight in there for sure and so this other black guy who's in line who's dressed nicely goes let him be man let him be we're fortunate you know we we're fortunate out here you know don't don't be messing with him he and the indian guy is like i i let him be if i want he always in here stealing he's still he's shoplifter i'm watching you like maybe he is man maybe he is but let him be and i i go he's he's like you ain't always got to say no you ain't always got to say no in life and i go i said yes and i just want to get down the road wrap this up i don't really part of a race war in here let's get this going and finally the guy comes up there with all of his [ __ ] he lays it on the counter and then and he goes can i can i come back in later and make my cup of noodle cause they've got like boiling water that'll come out of the coffee machine he's like no no you take that [ __ ] you take all of that [ __ ] and you get out of my parking lot with it too don't you be eating that in my parking lot you get moving you you [ __ ] kick dirt when you get out of here i was just like i'm just like [ __ ] swipe my card and [ __ ] it was like twelve dollars for the [ __ ] like ten dollars of his [ __ ] and two dollars of my red bull that i didn't even want and and finally i was so happy to be out of there like like just if you feel like a good person or like someone you gotta take here's the best part [ __ ] didn't even say thank you not even an acknowledgement i'm talking i swiped the card and i held the door for his hobo ass he walks right past me and goes away i was livid like a horrible homeless etiquette my ten dollars wasn't that big of a deal i often give 10 or 20. i would have given him a thumbs down double thumbs down to black western hobo man because that was absurd for him not to say thank you he had about this weird western poncho he looked like i can't even describe it he looked like clint eastwood but real poor and black did you have that helps a quarter or a dollar or something in the first place no i had no cash no cash whatsoever a nickel in your car in the ch in the cigarette no i had nothing i had no cash and i and i'm not going to give him my good change you know that's for toll booths and and you know could change like a change you know i'm not gonna give him 50 cents so instead i'll give him 20 minutes and ten dollars my time was the valuable i've got a canadian nickel and one of those [ __ ] spanish things with a hole in it here you go i don't believe that this is a parkway token if you find yourself in jersey now this is a got a jail free card [Laughter] you know what he probably if he just got arrested at that gas station trying to steal stuff he would have got food maybe that's his move go back in there piss off [ __ ] you know mishram or whatever the indian guy's name is and then mishram calls the police he's doing it again i am so tired i i am running out of gummies and then they come out there they take him away and then he gets his boiled eggs like i was so i was so upset with that [ __ ] guy i could not believe he didn't thank me and you know i wasn't fishing for a thank you that's not it's not the point i didn't it's just like i'm just thinking how thankful i would have been in his situation oh thank you so much to set up expectations before going in like look i'm gonna buy you 10 bucks worth of stuff but you better [ __ ] thank me have you seen that bow that the japanese do sir yeah i'd like it i'd like a bow we're talking you know three quarters three bows i want three three three one three quarters of the way over like like you don't have to go full is it the bell where like muslims praying or the one with your hands on your side it's the one with your hands by your side where you you you go almost 90 degrees but not quite it's like three quarters of the way down is he allowed to look at you or does he have to look down avert his [ __ ] eyes i like meeting i like meeting people who know me in like completely random places and just sizing them up and gauging who they think i am um because it it varies dramatically we were cut i just flew back from texas the other day and i was in the airport in san antonio and uh and me and uh chad who who works on a gun channel called iraq veteran a8 uh he gets recognized and the four eights yeah and that's four of them uh he gets recognized on the way to the bathroom and and as the guy recognizes him and he stops the guy also like catches me and recognizes me so like i go and piss and come back out and we're talking this guy and everything and i don't remember what came up but chad says to him you know he's like but you know it's the internet he's like don't believe everything you read and i was like but seriously though i am expect snazz i killed a lot of [ __ ] i took ears scalps whatever it took we ran a war of terror over there my friend and he goes killing you now in this terminal yeah yeah he's standing out here in the airplane he goes oh okay then all right all right yeah yeah and i'm just like dude i'm just [ __ ] with you i'm just [ __ ] with you okay well you know nice meeting you both i still think he believes that i'm expecting and i have like serbian ears somewhere on a nose right now he told his friends about that where he was like yeah then he said he you know he's like not a bunch of years and then he told me he wasn't really snatched but that's what someone in snatch would say i'm vain and when if i see something like like a skin tag or like like a mole or something it's gotta go it's gotta go and like i was in new york doing a business thing and i was i was in my hotel room i was walking around shirtless and i kind of reached back to like scratch my side and like somewhere like on my ribs on my right side i felt something and it was like a skin tag it was like this it was like it was like a flat mole that was like flop like this it would they would like flop yeah and i was just like this is so unsightly oh i can't stand it was like i felt like i got a parasite like i was gonna say leech right like it was like i had a parasite something was on slash in my body that i was just disgusted by i was like this has to go like i'm gonna be if i go out tonight all i'm gonna be thinking about is this th this thing is on me it'd be like having a splinter in your [ __ ] eyeball or or like i don't know dr collin wouldn't stand for that [ __ ] he'd grab an exacto if that's what it took dr kyle won't stand for it either of course he's in a hotel room in new york city so all he had at his disposal was a pair of nail clippers oh no why would you do this so i got my nail clippers i kind of stretched the skin got in the mirror and i started i got i got all the way down to the base of this [ __ ] sure and i start squeezing and in my head i thought it's just gonna go sleep and like snip right off like you're like snipping a rosebud off like you're pruning yeah yeah i've never had an earring but it's like it hurts and then it's over right this is kind of bot this is kind of hard for me to tell the story i'm gonna score me in my chair just remembering back to how awful this was so i squeeze and it's hurting and i squeeze more and i'm hurting and i'm like we're doing this and i squeeze and i hear a crunch noise i hear a crunch noise and i'm like well that had to be it and i pull a little bit no it's still attached so i make a decision it's coming off so i just go and just tear it off oh something i never you didn't sever it i just tore the [ __ ] off and it hurt i have a high pay tolerance i i i i truly believe this i've never felt a 10 out of 10 pain because i've never gone unconscious and i think that's what a 10 is this was a 7. you're getting those those fuzzies in your eyes i'm literally getting dizzy and nauseous at the same time and like having to sit down and i'm just like making a fist kind of hitting my thigh going oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] oh and the blood is already down to my hip it's already down to my hip like like like i'm like i'm gonna stain my [ __ ] underwear if i don't like so i'm like getting a towel to staunch the bleeding now i ended up having to like go downstairs to the lobby and get like band-aids and like neosporin and stuff but no scar or anything and i got it clean like if there'd been a little nub left i'd had to do something about that too did you look at it afterward to see the culprit oh yeah it was gross it was gross yeah yeah a little little chunk of flesh but but uh since then i've always involved a doctor for such things i had a mole like i don't know below my chest but above my ribs like that kind of area a while back and i got that removed at the doctor and uh you know no big deal i got one of those but let me tell you this i got a story so the other night i'm on uh i'm in bed on my laptop and uh i type i type to uh to chis i'm like skunk skunk i smell skunk i smell skunk because i can smell it it just i can smell it and i'm just like skunk skunk and my brains are operating like what's happened i'm like oh god kitty's [ __ ] dog has messed with a skunk and i hear kitty coming toward my door and i start yelling before she even gets to my door i go no no i don't want to be involved she goes oh please please i go what and she opens my [ __ ] bedroom door and in runs her [ __ ] dog sprayed by the skunk up into my bed with me to hang out and i'm just like why why have you done she's like she's filming in the mouth and i'm like no [ __ ] she got sprayed by a skunk and she's like oh i'm a skunk i don't know what that is she didn't know what a [ __ ] skunk was because i don't have [ __ ] skunks on that stupid [ __ ] island she's from how do you not know what that is she's been living here for like a decade associated with that smell with that black and white striped weasel that sprays everything and ruins it ruined the night all night we're burning pounds of incense spraying lysol and febreze vacuuming washing and the dog must have gotten a dozen baths i i'm never gonna appreciate i'm mad at that dog and i will never get over it that dog will be dead which then i'll be like muppet muppet yeah yeah yeah and uh yeah she didn't know what [ __ ] dude letting a dog in that just got sprayed by a skunk like that's like borderline house ruining yeah that smells in there for a while i feel smelly kitty should have known better like like kitty's smart in a lot of ways but you know what it was but i can't smells bad like if if i was on some alien planet and my buddy was like sprayed with something that smelled bad like i would recognize like oh look what happened here like you know would you tell him to quickly march into the house and touch things no you'd be like stand out here you better hop on my bed it was awful i don't i can't understand how that happened but it happened and it was awful and it's only now like i went to the i was like i'm getting the [ __ ] out of here like i left the house and i i'm at the gas station standing in line and i'm like god damn it i still like a skunk and [ __ ] vocal gas station [ __ ] they don't be here i was so mad and there was nothing to to do about it because i can't yell at kitty anymore she's [ __ ] washing the dog with a big jug of tomato sauce you know she feels bad enough get yelled at the dog because it's a stupid [ __ ] dog and i can't find the skunk yeah i can't believe she didn't know what a skunk was that's a i mean it's in cartoons bambi right after pepe just uh an annoying mouse like what what did she think i we talked about pepe lip you we talked about uh we talked about bambi apparently she's not familiar wow kyle what were the circumstances of your seizure a concussion uh came off the four-wheeler going like 40 head hit the asphalt face hit the asphalt that was that was terrible um i was wearing i was in my boxers in a t-shirt terrible and uh and i like like over-corrected because a wasp landed on my thigh and i had boxers on so i figured it was about to bite my sting my dick um came off the thing it went up on like the right two tires and was like it felt like it was about to roll over and i didn't want it on top of me on asphalt and it was probably a foolish thing maybe i could have corrected it but i just kind of hopped off and just fell off really and my right elbow and maybe i think my left knee right elbow this part of my face this part of my face and the top of my head no no all hit asphalt and break some teeth no teeth it's funny you mentioned that it's stupid it sounds silly and almost unbelievable but i was bleaching my teeth at the time while you were writing or like recently oh i was multitasking i was watching my i was like my mouth guard in there yeah i had a mouth guard in i was crashing i was getting ready yeah no no it was like it was an actual like insertable mouth guard that you pulled in that blue light [Laughter] i uh the way i remember it i was actually using my retainer as the bleaching tray because you could do that and i had my full retainer in and i was like getting ready for a date or something or something like that so i was like getting dressed while bleaching my teeth and then like going to check the mail on my on my four-wheeler or something like that and in route i crashed that [ __ ] thing and when i came to i don't know if it was two seconds i was on the ground or two minutes but when i came two the four-wheeler was 50 yards away it rolled on away but i was seizing uncontrollably and fully aware of it and sobbing uncontrollably during the seizure out of fear of the seizure i had enough i experienced it all or were you i felt like i was just trapped i felt trapped inside of my head just watching this happen to me like i had no control over like stopping it and that's terrifying because i wasn't just shaking a little it was a very violent shake and i remember internally thinking oh i'm scuffing my elbow up on the asphalt as i as i seize i'm scuffing my skin up on asphalt because i'm so you did have that out like like you did when i was a kid i felt on the steps once and i i swear i could see the back of my head right like i could see like i was in here i was in here for sure and experiencing things but i had no control over my own body um but i was fully aware of what was happening to my body and like i said i remember thinking as i'm seizing that my elbow is just kind of grinding on asphalt and i don't like that and when i finally that stopped after who knows how long i'm guessing 40 seconds maybe two minutes uh i i realize my right arm doesn't work and my left leg doesn't work very well it's like nerve the nerves were jarred or something like that and virtually paralyzed to the point where i was a real mess when i stumbled into the house my face was all scra scraped up and bloody and like this arm barely worked and this leg almost didn't work you didn't get a heart doctor oh yeah i went to the doctor oh yeah yeah i was gonna say you really dodged a bullet if you hit your head had a seizure and then thought i gotta take these white strips off and get dressed for this day thou shalt not pass in line anybody that cuts in line in front of me i'm ready to fight you gotta queue up i am ready for a physical confrontation if you pass me in line there is nothing that pisses me off more than a man or a woman or a child who who willfully and purposefully tell the story about the mcdonald's girl that cuts oh that [ __ ] so my ski my sleep schedule has been everywhere it's literally rotated the full 24 hours my sleep patterns um throughout throughout you know the last six or seven years or whatever and at this point i was getting up early i was waking up you know eight in the morning so it's mcdonald's breakfast time i want those hot cakes with sausage i'm gonna pour that [ __ ] syrup all over it's gonna be steamy soft delicious ripping on my ice cream cake dude i didn't care that this was like two years ago yeah this is two or three years ago i wanted those hot cakes bad so the line um sort of so there's the you know there's the drive-thru and it i'm trying to figure out how to describe it it sort of wraps around the building but i was coming in from a different entrance so i was kind of you know we're coming from two different directions in this line and me and another car get there at virtually the same time but it just goes in before her but he's in the line that wraps around the building so i give him the wave i'm like your next buddy i i i give you the next place in line don't want any i don't know who should go first but i'm going to give it to you he gives me a little wave back kind of like a salute really he so he pulls forward and orders another lady pulls in behind him and i'm looking at her but she won't make eye contact she won't even look in my direction and i'm like you better not you you better not and so this guy places over and pulls up this lady quickly like like zips up to the of the thing intentionally cutting in front of line with me i saw red i pull up right next to her passenger window to the point where if i really leaned out the window i could have touched it and i'm screaming at the top of my voice the worst obscenities i've ever said to another person face to face yeah stupid [ __ ] didn't they teach you a [ __ ] school not to pass in line you dumb [ __ ] and i heard her ordered she was ordering like like three sauces i was like yeah get three sausage big biscuits you fat [ __ ] you [ __ ] get them get some [ __ ] syrup and i know that they can hear me over the intercom there too so they're like holy [ __ ] and i finished it off like yeah [ __ ] you stupid [ __ ] don't [ __ ] look at me and i had a cigarette and i flicked the cigarette as hard as i could at her window and it like hits the window and like explodes into this fiery little cherry of of ashes and i was i just left i didn't get the line and i'm flipping her off the whole time staring at her face and she's like like turning my head as i drive past staring her down and she still won't look at me and some people may think that's harsh some but there's a reason we have this on the ten commandments there's a reason we have lines all right there's a reason that you wait in line you don't cut line without a very serious reason at the airport you know somebody somebody starts screaming hey guys my flight's in ten minutes can i please pass and everybody will speak up yeah yeah come on come on let's go get out of these ropes but if if she just starts doing it if she just starts going in there no that's [ __ ] oh sh woody should i tell the story about um about me getting pulled over oh yes that was the other good story yeah yeah all right so i'm um i'm driving to uh to the airport to pick up my friend from the airport and then we're both going to uh to florida to buy a boat and i'm in my new car and uh i i don't have a tag for it yet i've got i've got a temporary tag because i'm getting a vanity plate and uh so i'm driving along and i had i've got my my pistol um by my side it's like stuck in its holster and a truck driver saw it and he called the um he called the police and told him that i was waving it around did you i thought you handed it to someone else in the car they wanted to see it no no no no no i had it was it was there was one sitting in the passenger seat there was one in its holsters that like is between the center console and my seat okay so i i wasn't waving it around by any means so i get so i see this cop kind of pulled over in the median like i figured the speed trap so i go past him and he pulls it out and then another one comes off the autumn ramp and so these two sheriff's deputies pull me over and they start approaching my car from the left and the right with their hands on their weapons so i've got i've got all the pertinent information you know my carry permit my driver's license and my insurance in my hands with both my hands on the wheel you know when they get up there and they're like he's like come on out of there and if you touch that gun we're going to have some serious problems i'm like i'm not touching the gun what do you think i am what's that uh georgia i'm still in georgia so i come out of there get to the back of the car and he explains to me the trucker said that i was waving it around i'm like no no i'm not waving a gun around driving through traffic i'm not crazy and uh he's like where are you going no i'm crazy at this point no exactly yeah so i'm like i'm driving to florida to buy a boat i was like that that one by my side is mine i carry it all the time the uh the nine millimeter in the passenger seat is my buddies i'm picking him up from the airport it's his i'm returning it to him obviously he didn't want to fly with it and he said are any other guns in the car i'm like probably but to be honest with you i don't know um there's lots of guns in my car if i had to guess i i would go with lots before i went with none so like it was like well can we search the car and i'm like yeah feel free there's nothing illegal in there i was like i was like there's a check in the passenger seat don't just make sure you don't lose that and there was there was a cashier's check for a fairly large amount of money because it's for the boat that i'm buying and uh so imagine the scenario if if you will you find a 25 year old man and a brand new 40 000 car with a title sitting in the back there's a bank receipt sitting there that shows that the amount in his in his bank account there's a 25 by the way we're talking about fps mcduck's bank account here yeah yeah there's there's a large cashier's check sitting there he's got five count five handguns in the car with him and he says he's going to florida to buy a boat what do i sound like to you a meth dealer i don't know i sound like i'm running cocaine i'm [ __ ] pablo escobar all right so so it takes him about 40 minutes to run my car make sure it's not stolen run me make sure i don't have warrants run all five of my guns and uh and figure out that i'm on the up and up and then they play with my guns for a little while and let me go there was there was a night now that you mentioned that there was the time my cousin and i were standing on a street corner next to uh just beyond a strip club because it was after hours and we didn't want the owner to see us leaving with the strippers because that's against their rules um and it was freezing cold we were in louisville kentucky i mean cold bitter cold the wind was blowing it it cut through your clothes and it just hurt it burned a little it was so cold and we're standing there shivering because we weren't dressed for this and we're waiting on the strippers to get off so that they can drive us back to the hotel or whatever you know we can do what you do with strippers in hotels and what's that yes i don't understand you tie them up and you [ __ ] them and um to sew this thanks if they're into that and so essentially consensually most of the time and so this bicycle like i said we're on the corner and so this bicycle rounds the corner almost runs us over this this random individual we've never seen before all crazy eye hops off and he's like whoa i almost ran you guys over i'm so sorry and then i noticed his bicycle doesn't have a goddamn seat and and so we start talking to this guy turns out he's homeless just got out of prison just got out of jail needs a couple dollars to get to the shelter another homeless man had begged me for some money a few minutes ago i was like no bro i don't have any cash because he wasn't deserving of the money he he told me the same thing i just gotta i'm sorry i told the story slightly wrong the first individual had just gotten out of jail he wanted to get some money to go like rent a cot or something like that and we told him no because you just got out of jail i don't know you i don't know why you're in jail [ __ ] off and but and meanwhile i have a pocket full of money i mean a lot of money because i just left the strip club i have a i have a wad of 200 one dollar bills plus a good bit more cash and so this new individual rounds the coin on his seatless bicycle jumps off all crazy eye and starts apologizing and then he starts telling us the story about how he had had to give someone his social security card as collateral against this bicycle and even that wasn't enough because they took the seat so they'd know he'd return it could so it'd be worthless to him and how he was trying to get across town to like get something done and and meet up with his friends and how he was supposed to be in the x games but but he wasn't able to yeah he wasn't able to do it he was an incredible like bmx writer or something he had all these skills and how he had ran into some white guys earlier this was the black guy and how they had spat on it and he you could tell he really hurt his feelings they had spat on him he was like they called me a [ __ ] they spat on me it was terrible he's like i hate kentucky i'm like we're not from kentucky man we're from georgia and that didn't seem to like convince right right and uh and i was like here you go man and i start peeling off once and i gave him like six or eight bucks or something because he'd ask for three or four and uh he's like i got something for you and he backs up a few steps runs at the brick wall at full speed runs up the brick wall and does a back flip landing on his feet and he he's like that's what i was supposed to be doing on the main stage bro they took my dreams took my dreams and then he sped off in the night on this stickless bicycle wow so like kitty's arthritis has improved i think like it's i believe it's rheumatoid arthritis but she's got a few things going on the complicated her joints are very painful especially on like rainy days or in certain times of the month so she's uh she's she bought the wheelchair because she thought she was gonna be dependent on it more than she actually is these days and she got that really nice one and uh we were going to a convention one time and the convention like i remember i put the not a fitbit but uh like a pedometer on my phone for that convention and i walked like 12 miles that day and like it was just just walking around the booths you know at uh and vegas and so to get her around this thing we got this uh this wheel i don't remember what it's called but basically it attaches to the spoke that's between the two wheelchair wheels and then a rubber treaded uh battery-powered wheel makes contact with the ground and she's got controls for it and it will zip her around up hills and stuff at a good clip right and so everything's been going well at first they sent her a prototype because this thing's like five grand just for the wheel and uh and the prototype like caught fire in a mall or something like that started shooting sparks out of hers that one like hurts sorry and so like got a new one the battery for this thing it's a light lipo battery whatever they are but it's still like 20 inches long six inches wide and an inch and a half thick like it's a big [ __ ] battery so so you're a little scared of that thing but it's but you need that going into the convention center we're going into this gigantic hall room and she's zipping along right next to me on the carpet and then all of a sudden i hear and she takes off and i'm like kitty kit kitty and i start running behind her and it's because she's out of [ __ ] control she barrels into this big table full of like guns and [ __ ] over turns and she's just like out on the floor and i was like oh [ __ ] not unconscious but she's like falling out of the chair and like you know the chair is toppled over the wheel is still like like going to town and like like me and another guy like oh [ __ ] let's let's get her to get we were all taken aback at first by this because it was like you don't understand what's powering it like if you've never seen one you're like how does that even happen it's it's got a mind of its own and we're all trying to turn the wheel off it was pretty [ __ ] funny i'm sure it was a bit embarrassing for her but i'll never forget that when she's like horrifying we're walking on someone in the wheelchair yeah she's just taken away and i'm she's just like fumbling with the controls like oh she oh she like she's going like 10 miles an hour like a jogging pace hey uh i guess this is kind of an i'm an [ __ ] moment but but the truth is i am an [ __ ] so like that you don't need to to ponder whether or not i am an [ __ ] let's just begin with i'm an [ __ ] and go from there okay okay so i drive about 10 or 12 minutes to a restaurant zaxby's to get some food for myself and kitty it's a very simple order i'd like a number one combo with a coke i'd like a number two combo also with a coke and in addition one order of onion rings sir and something for kitty well the onion rings are actually for kitty she she really likes the onion rings i i don't i don't love him so much so he's like huh i can't hear you through the window and everything he's having lots of problems with his headset or something he just can't hear me can't get the order so he's just like all right pull around and i'm already behind cars so it's like i'll just sit here and wait next to the speaker that apparently doesn't work so that didn't make me mad at all i didn't care a bit about that got to the window big fat [ __ ] big fat [ __ ] this dude is huge big fat [ __ ] and he's real bad at his job he's got an effeminate voice he's like i just don't know what i'm doing with this headset and he's just like he can't make my drinks like he can't so like this really hot girl comes over she starts making the drinks i don't care about fatso anymore i'm more interested in in the cucumber i'm like i want to come back here more often this girl's really pretty she gives me my drinks eventually he gets my food to me i leave i get almost to the on-ramp of the interstate and i'm like ah let me slide my fast food into this i have a heat bag that zips up that keeps the food warm because it's a 10 minute drive and it's kitty's food so let me slide my food into its heat bag and zip it up oh [ __ ] only two plates of food should have been three where are my onion rings so i go back get back in the drive through line not really mad at all [ __ ] happens it's fast food get to the window i mean get to the uh the speaker hey can i take your order say ah just here to pick up the onion rings that you left out okay pull around i really don't have much of a choice so i sit there through the line again you know six or eight cars get to the window no apology at all no apology at all he just kind of hands me these onion rings you're annoying him yeah like you inconvenienced him so i take the onion rings go on my way didn't give me any straws to my drinks either time get to the exit of zaxby's about to pull into the highway and i'm like you know what let's feel a little light these onion rings feel a little light because like at zaxby's if you order on your rings you get like 30 rings like they fill a styrofoam plate up that's like this big it's like it's it's rectangular it's longer than it is why they give you a bunch there's always leftover and they're really good onion rings pop the top let's check these out there's about eight of them in there about eight [ __ ] onion rings in my box he's wasted too much of a time now it's been half an hour on this journey and i haven't even started on my way home and i'm just like all right that's it put the car in reverse just like back in into a parking space i'm going in go in with my onion rings and i'm just just just boiling a boiling vessel of rage and and there's a pretty girl though and i'm like hey is your manager here i need to speak to someone he's like i can help you i was like really want to talk to the manager and and i hear someone back and she goes like karen someone wants you and a 22 year old girl braces comes out see already there will be no satisfaction had here today unless i earn it so i say to her hey these are my onion rings i had to go through the line twice this is my third trip back here that's not a full order of running rings that guy's really bad at his job he's not able to take the orders or even get them straight and he doesn't know the menu and he gives me a look i didn't like the look i said that's right fat boy you said that and she acted like i called him a [ __ ] or a [ __ ] or started talking about the third reich or something she was like wow whoa whoa whoa i was like what i didn't know they made uniforms that big oh wait they don't because it's stretched over his enormous body and he turns away then no more smirk from his smart ass and she's like you get back here i got a thing or two to say to you and i'm like night braces because she had braces on i guess that was a bit of a nightmare and i i left and i was and i i don't think i can ever go back to zach's feces oh now who's being the wait staff huh mess up your order did they make you wait too long huh who's being delayed staff now kyle uh i'm always i i will be incredibly mean to wait staff if it's over like two or three times um you have more of a spontaneous rudeness this is a little more organic she doesn't spit in my food because of what he said they just make this up people they like to [ __ ] with kyle like the thing about like you having to go in there a third time you can't even go back into a restaurant fast food or not a third time and expect your food or expect any kind of satisfaction because even if they bring you out a delectable tray of onion rings you still have no confidence that the crack team of food specialists back there didn't [ __ ] with your food because they would have [ __ ] with it those people you think that the braces manager is going to get onto the fat guy that she's defending if he were to rub his nut sack on one of the onion rings like no of course not like i don't know i just was part of it as well like as soon as i got there the girl was like oh i'll get you some more i said it's not about the rings anymore i walked in here knowing that i would have no onion rings tonight man like like like that that's gone that's like like in a battle scene in game of thrones where someone's like oh no it's more like uh uh um oh what is it uh it's [ __ ] butch butch cassie the sundance kid when they're on the cliff face and they're all pinned down and the bullets are ricocheting all around them and he's like uh we gotta jump into the river off the cliff it's like 200 feet down and what i'm saying but i can't swim he's like you fool the fall will probably kill us like it was one of those moments that i didn't care about the rings there were no rings going to be produced i needed satisfaction yeah sometimes yeah i would just i still i feel a little bit bad for for calling the guy fat but he wasn't he was a grown adult and he was very fat um so from an accuracy standpoint spot on i i can't have you putting your hands on me you know like like even if he's little like i literally had that altercation in high school where like i had let a thing go before because the opponent was smaller and then i got ragged on it for it like oh you let so and so punk you and it's like well he's look at him i i didn't feel like it was right to attack him and so it got in my head i was like in the future i can't let anybody do that i can't let them put their hands on me or i look like even even worse i thought i was going to look good for just walking away but i looked even worse than i would have if i fought him and lost almost so the next time i had an altercation with this this poor pale boy who thought i had broken his neck this is a true story essentially i don't know some other guy who was an actual bully like got this kid's necklace this is the early 2000s where we wore these shells i hope yeah and then the wooden beads and [ __ ] like that very islander looking kind of like salt life [ __ ] you know what that's my time still i mean frozen there we all had one of those necklaces and uh i did i did the actual bully throws his necklace across the room well i don't know anything about that i look down and there's a necklace on the floor and i pick it up and it's broken and i'm like huh okay i guess i'll just take these beads off of here i was just like dissecting this necklace which was already broken and he walked up and just hit me in the stomach as hard as he could and i my mind went through that whole process of like i don't think i can let this go we're in open class here everybody just saw that guy hit me so i started hitting him in the face over and over and over and it was he grabbed my shirt not to try to retaliate but literally to hold on for his balance but once when you're already engaged in a fight and someone's holding on to you there's sort of a i was panicked i was like get him off me i gotta get him off me and so i just kept punching him in the face and by the time it was over there was so much blood i hit him maybe six times like like in the mouth nose area just straight and hard and they had how many of those hits was he still with it for like one two after after the first one he was not with it i hit him in the nose the first time it's pretty much hard as [ __ ] so this is a world star hip-hop style fight he's on the ground and you decided he didn't stop until the teacher screamed and it sort of like oh [ __ ] oh no what have i done and i felt terrible about it because like i wasn't some big bad he anybody could have beaten his ass he just shouldn't have attacked me and that's how i feel about this bagel [ __ ] but i imagine i died a way to get terrible disease almost died having heart hot tub sex one time i uh i started talking to this girl online she lived in like nashville and uh and so like gatlinburg tennessee was like two and a half hours from me and maybe two two and a half hours from her something like that like it was kind of in the middle and gatlinburg tennessee in case you don't know it's kind of a vacation spot it's really pretty it's in the smoky mountains of tennessee and i was like yeah let's just meet up this weekend go to gatlinburg or whatever and we did and and i rented this cabin and we'd been having a whole bunch of sex you know we we just like met each other and we're let's go we're there to hook up we're spending the weekend together and that night i i got the perfect trifecta to make me almost die she i want to say that she was on top whatever i was doing was strenuous i think we change we tried a couple positions but we ended up doing some sort of like doggy thing but up to our like chess in the hot tub water so we're being boiled at 103 degrees and i've taken viagra and and i've had a few drinks i what a bad combination i'm going at it hard all right i'm really getting after it and i realize that i'm getting like lightheaded and out of breath and not out of breath and like like you know your own cardio even if you don't have good cardio like you know like it's sort of like a tachometer on a car you could feel yourself getting to the red line and you know where that is and you can back off you can go back down to 4000 rpm or whatever i seem to have gone from 2000 rpms to like 9000 rpms on a yamaha r1 really quickly i'm i went from room room to and i'm just like like literally i can't speak i'm like oh something's wrong something's wrong something's wrong i'm like i gotta get out and she's a nurse and she and so like i i stagger out of the hot tub and it's like cold as [ __ ] outside where like it's an outdoors hot tub and i'm like something's wrong i can't talk i'm so out of breath literally i feel like i would have had a stroke or a heart attack if i had like tried to push through it i would have definitely gone unconscious like like something about like i think it was a blood pressure issue but something probably with the viagra it was it was the viagra the alcohol and the very hot hot tub combined with that much physical activity it was if you fall over once you got out i was staggering i was staggering like i didn't hit the floor but i was like staggering trying to find i didn't you know when you have a hot tub you immediately like dry completely off and like like put your sandals on or whatever no i like stagger into the house naked flailing like getting toward like an ottoman so i can sit and drive the cold air wasn't like an instant cure that's how i imagine it no i was i felt like ill so i went to this place it had like it was like a men's barber shop i don't had one of those trendy names i can't think of it it was like maybe it's called roosters or something like that anyway um and this guy did such a fantastic job it was a it was a black guy but i couldn't remember his name the next time i wanted to go there he had done the stropping of the razor and had really it felt really good though he was just walking in is there a dion here let's see that's what happened so i called i had to make my appointment you know eight weeks later and uh and there and i'm like hey i'd like to get the guy that cut my hair last time to do it again and um and uh but i don't remember his name and i don't want to say the black is the black there you know i don't want to do that i don't know why i felt uncomfortable doing that again when somebody's cutting your hair you don't want to set them off yeah they could really [ __ ] you up for the next couple months i've had an embarrassing haircut before and it was like oh man there's no wearing a hat out of this like i can't wear a hat at work hey dion but well taylor's got an outfit for you he'd noticed you were black did you ask their names i would have been like i could tell the girl who said it's also black maybe if you oh i was going with the whole if you said his name i might remember well there's michael uh jacob and tyrone that's what happened it will not happen again so she says uh um well you know what what do you look like and i'm like um younger guy athletic maybe basketball looks speedy he could really he could really lay some tracks um i was like well what are their names she's like well we've got uh christopher brendan and uh deandre and i'm like deandre yeah it was deandre i remember now i get there and she's like and and uh she's like uh oh you're here for deandre i'm like yeah yeah she's like have a seat he'll be right over and i and i see my dude over there he's like hey hey kyle he remembers my name and it's been two months and i'm just like man i love this guy and then this big fat black guy walks over and goes yo kyle let's go and i'm just like what's the [ __ ] and uh and i i the dude's name is brendan or some [ __ ] like cool black dudes name is brendan he was doing like he had he was working on the set of the walking dead doing hair in his spare time he had cool stories we knew people we both knew people who like worked on the walking dead and like like like a [ __ ] dead guy we had we had a whole conversation about my legal troubles and and like and he was like i smoke weed every day i'm high now like it was just a cool [ __ ] guy deandre gets me over there [ __ ] my [ __ ] up and then when it comes time to shave the back of my hair he pulls out a big razor he pulls out one of those cheap plastic bic razors and gives me a razor burn on the back of my [ __ ] neck deandre is an idiot it was the worst two thumbs down when he let when he led me past my dude's chair and the dude was just hey kyle i was just like no no it's just [ __ ] you are supposed to be deandre i i've got a lot of sponsors and i have paintball gear up the wazoo because it's been given to me i haven't had to purchase any of it and i've got thousands of dollars worth of it so when i go to like a local paintball game i look like a douchebag i can't help but look like i do yeah there's nothing around it you can see him from a mile away we go to a youtube event everybody knows who i am anyway it says fps russia on my [ __ ] jersey like half of my stuff is inscribed like they're there to see me so i don't feel like a douchebag and they don't feel like i'm a douchebag because they know that like [Music] only the ones who make me think i'm a douchebag but when you're playing on the other team so getting back to the point at hand um i lost it i lost you you have a lot of gear and it makes you look like you're here yeah we were in atlanta playing and my girlfriend's like she i could tell she was upset i was like what is it what's the deal she's like that guy said something i was like what guy she's a guy over there she said show me which one i was like what did he say she said something about you i didn't like it i was like what do you [ __ ] say she's like i don't even want to tell you i was like do you think there's a scenario in which you don't [ __ ] tell me will you bring this up and we just leave it yeah we leave it here to lie i was like you better [ __ ] i'm mad at you now like [Laughter] he just said that you thought you were hot [ __ ] because you had all that equipment or whatever i had to have a talk with this [ __ ] i i stopped in the middle i was like hey what's your [ __ ] problem he and he's dumbfounded because he really hadn't said anything with an earshot out of me but somebody had informed me of what he said i was like i heard what you said about me i'm out here to have fun that's what we're all doing but if you want to make a problem we can make a real problem right here now and he's just like i i i don't i don't even know yeah you do don't [ __ ] lie and we had a i had a bit of a meltdown because this is a real patrick bateman way to act [Laughter] look i don't like it like we lose in the news i i feel like i'm in a position where i can't back down he's said it for my girlfriend my girlfriend's there i i don't think she would think less of me if i was like well let's just get the [ __ ] out of here then like if i pulled one of those that's with me but i might think less of me i'm not gonna leave this place because he's made me feel uncomfortable and he's gonna and i'm not gonna sit over here and stew with him not knowing that i know and and he's not gonna continue running his mouth throughout the day it's just not gonna work i don't see a scenario in which i can't go and confront this man and still feel good about myself you need balance like the karate kid yes it sounded eerily like a story my dad told me from uh from his youth so basically he was driving from town toward his house after a day of work and he stops and picks this guy up who uh who says he wants a ride home and it's along the way and dad says okay i'll i'll drop you off that's on my way and uh and so they're driving down the road let me go going for a while this guy's wasted in the pasture seat and then he changes his mind he says no no i want to go back to town and my dad's like no i don't have gasoline for that i can't go back to town you said we're going this way we're going this way he's like no you turn this [ __ ] car around take me back to town and so dad dad was going pretty slow they just had pulled out of a stop sign so he reaches over and fish hooks him and like pulls him over and punches him dazes him good enough that he can then open the door and just kick him out the side of the car while it's rolling along like five miles an hour and just left him there on the side of the road go dad not an [ __ ] not an [ __ ] not nestle yeah i don't know i i no you why not leave with the punch if he's drunk yeah why not leave with the punch instead of the titus claw well i was driving the car and he needed to get him over here so he could start working on him i had this weird dream where i was in part of like some sort of a cult and like um um that tall guy from babe uh you know the movie with the talking pig oh yeah yeah yeah yeah okay walter cromwell maybe anyway he's like james cromwell james cromwell thanks yeah he's like in bed and i'm standing at the foot of the bed and all of his and he's like the cult leader and i've done something that the cult doesn't like i don't even know what it is but they're they're judging me i'm being judged and he he gets out of bed and he's like starts painting my head with like chicken blood or something like that and i'm like i think shit's about to go poorly and i'm like you know god told me in a vision that i had been judged and that we were cool now i'm hoping they'll be like really you saw the lord in a vision but no he's not buying it at all because because you know he's a cult leader he doesn't believe in god he believes in [ __ ] underage girls that's what cult leaders do and he starts dragging me toward this wall where there's like manticores you know like those metal cuffs with chains like they're about to chain me up and like kill me and i see there's a shotgun in the corner it's like an old-timey double barrel with the hammers that pull back and so i get that and i'm just trying to threaten him but some crazy lady is coming at me with a sickle so i blast her just give her one of the barrels and then that made james cromwell i mean he was already six six but he must have grown to like seven six between me blasting the lady with the sickle and looking back toward him and now he's like really coming at me so i blast him too and i run for the door and this has upset a whole mess of cult members you're out of barrels i'm also out of barrels i think it's funny that your dreams are realistic with ammunition either the gun doesn't work at all or it works exactly like it's supposed to it's one of the other guns there's no magical guns um so so i run toward the door and there's like a like a uh um an umbrella stand full of guns and i'm like well thank you very much i get one of those magic guns that doesn't work very well though and every time i [ __ ] the lever sausages are coming out the top like little red wieners are popping out and i'm like well maybe i'll shoot a wiener at them and i close it and it just gets all mushed up in the mechanism because it's a [ __ ] wiener not a bullet and like and and i've really overplayed my wiener gun card like when i saw like three or four cult members coming i was like i'm here boys quick oh [ __ ] and then that's full of little smokies there's little smokies everywhere there's juice and they both have real guns they both immediately go to their trucks and one of them comes out with like a submachine gun and at this point i'm resigned to my fate in the dream and my thought process is if i antagonize them enough they'll kill me quickly because it seemed like torture was the punishment of the day just a few minutes ago with those manticores and such and the chicken well you just killed james cromwell yes just took him out and so i was like i was like well do it then i'm not afraid and one of them like lights me up with a submachine gun but i'm still alive and it hurts it hurts in the dream it hurt real bad like it felt like getting shot in the back with a paintball gun or something and i was like you better reload and i look in the other guy like this fat [ __ ] has like a gigantic light machine gun and he starts shooting the lower half of my body only and like to torture me so like so like i drop down and try to put my head into the spray of bullets and and i'm just getting massacred but i'm just laying there and not dying like i know i should be dead but it's a dream so i'm just laying there like i'll just pretend like i'm dead and they'll leave me alone and and and then i i i woke up and i was terrified and i was breathing real hard and that was like that was like that was like 40 minutes before we kicked off the show let's talk about the time that you and kyle wrestled outside the denny's oh there's been many times there's been a few wrestling matches outside of many denny's in illinois no one remembers but kyle and i wrestled outside of america owen won outside the marriott in illinois defeated outside of illinois good times that's my that's my entire fighting record yeah we always had a great time on those trips yeah it was a blast i'm trying to i want to tell the story about that involving marijuana was this a paintball event yeah i'm gonna tell that story in a way that doesn't incriminate anyone okay um except for myself um and white boy who wouldn't care yeah so like i found this um we were at paintball and and uh woody and i are walking around and i think i told water i was like i'd like to find some weed and uh and and i was like i don't know how to get it though you know i've never been here before and we see this paintball referee long hair like down to his shoulders big mustache that guy was awesome and i walk up to him like hey man uh i don't want to offend you but you look like the kind of guy who'd know where some weed is and he goes hell yeah brother all right then so like it wasn't long before like a quarter ounce of white rhino was produced at the hotel and uh so me and whiteboard in the back of the van and gassy mexican is driving that thing and uh me and white were in the back and i'm breaking the weed up on a copy of modern warfare 2 and uh and and as i break it up in little piles white boys rolling up these jays like like a [ __ ] expert origami back there so i wasn't in this car i was driving that was a van i think i was driving a smaller car and uh like the legend of white boys rolling made it to me they're like oh my god all the windows were down it's blowing everywhere he's rolling he doesn't lose a i don't know a seed like whatever you wouldn't want to lose uh you know smoked seeds he lost the seeds but nothing else look i'm not okay thank you kyle yeah yeah he only let the seeds blow but but apparently he was like a savant at rolling these things he might have done it a time or two before and uh and so every time he rolls one up he passes it to me and then i light it i spark it up and i take a hit to get it going and then i pass it forward and because i'm it's just he and i in the very back seat there's like four rows of this van i don't even know it's one of those big ass vans yeah nobody can see how much i'm smoking so i feel like i can take a couple extra hits before i pass it forward you know we've got plenty i don't know they know he rolled one inch buds or whatever yeah my passion for is just a roach white boy rose them small but okay it's free so so i'm every time he rolls one i'm like and then i pass it forward and and and so he's rolled like three or something like that and the van's full of people and uh the driver's not smoking just to be clear and um but but we're passing them forward and i am getting rapidly way more high than i've ever been and i hadn't eaten since like lunchtime and it's dark and uh i essentially blacked out um that's only ever happened to me one other time but i essentially blacked out and forgot where i was and oh i remember at the same time it's this is fun it's such a stupid coincidence but at the same time gassy mexican the driver went the wrong way he got lost so he had to pull into a residence so that he could like do it like a j turn and like like so he's he's literally pulling up into the driveway of a home outside of chicago so that he can leave their driveway and head back toward where the applebee's restaurant is well i come to right about there while we're pulling up to a house in the dark and i'm like where are we where are we going right now where who where whose house is where are we going in my head i've been kidnapped and they are taking me to an abandoned house that i've never been before and i don't know who all these people in this van are but whiteboard was like no no it's cool we're going to applebee's and we got a little lost it's me and you and look there's taylor up there and and and and gassy's driving and everybody else is in the car behind us we're going to applebee's to get some some appetizers and all right all right anytime was a good two-high tour guide he was great so we get out of the car at applebee's and we start walking toward the door and i'm walking right next to taylor and i'm taking these high steps i'm walking like like this oh this was so [ __ ] funny it's like knees were coming near the chest he was walking like he was going through a swamp like and we're just on the sidewalk going into applebee's as he's taking these enormously high steps just enormously maybe eight feet coming into applebee's and i remember like walking next to kyle like we were friends at the time but not as tight as we are now and we were just walking next to each other and kyle's walking like an absolute lunatic and i just looked over at him he looks over at me and goes this is the highest i've ever been and just if we continued our way in and we got in there and kitty we're all this giant ass table in applebee's kitty and and we're all sitting there and kitty being astute quickly realizes ordering it one by one is not an option for this table right now it'll take forever like kyle can't decide lots of people can't decide on what they want and so kitty just goes uh just two of every appetizer and the waiter's like what it's like like for you or for no for the table just two of every appetizer for the table and she that's what we did and i think after that she ordered one more round of everyone one more round and we worked on it it was suctioned up like through a shop vac immediately all of those of those uh poppers those jalapeno poppers all those [ __ ] mozzarella sticks chicken wings the yeah the bloom and onion or whatever their version of yes the waitress says what would you like to drink and i said two mountain dews and she says what do you mean i was like i want two glasses of mountain dew she's like i'll bring you a large and i'm like well you're gonna see because i'm so thirsty she comes back and she gives me this mountain dew and she hands me my mountain dew and she starts distributing everyone else's drinks and right about the time she finishes handing everybody out their doctor peppers and [ __ ] i go um refill i have just sucked the whole [ __ ] 20 ounce mountain dew down instantly because i was i had such dry mouth from smoking all that goddamn weed no it was i i wanted to and so after that she brought me [ __ ] two and i was double fisting those [ __ ] and i don't know i remember being in that van driving on the way there being like ah this is how successful youtubers are impressionable young tailors [Laughter] pretty much try and go to applebee's yeah i i won't tell the other part of the story but someday maybe we will because some other [ __ ] happened that was that was [ __ ] hilarious funny yeah i don't even know if i know this i was in the other car it happened at the restaurant woody there was a there was a thing that happened at the restaurant was i involved i'll i'll i'll i'll write it in the chat but yeah there was a whole thing um you know but that was that was a very fun night goddamn it's a shame we're not doing those trips anymore that was so much fun yes yeah and that other individual started crying i don't remember actually i saw tears all right i remember it we're not saying his name we can say it it's genuinely really but i'll tell you he was upset yeah yeah he didn't like the way that went down um oh you have to go uh do you not have our chat open no i do i see it i just don't get it somebody else tweeted from somebody's account it wasn't a tweet that he would like out there there was a flippity floop and that's the way it went i told him i was sitting at the end with what it was me and white boy and kelly white boys uh long time girlfriend now and uh and we were we were gone and and we were like getting like like the information of what had happened at the other end of the table with the drama like piece by piece and we were i was like i think they did this thing and now and now that other person over there he's he's crying look at him and kelly was like he's crying like a [ __ ] and we're just we're just laughing our asses off down there we just had a real good time that was a wonderful night i had a really good time i um that that was awesome that was that was a great time we smoked all that that [ __ ] weed up before we got there we smoked a quarter of an ounce a week on the drive to applebee's that was uh that was an interesting [ __ ] night i remember how much i enjoyed all of the anitizers me too me too yeah it was just really [ __ ] good how good those boneless buffalo honey wings were how good those potato skins were how upset i was when i it might have been white boy but we were both reaching for the last like jalapeno popper or something and of that serving i had noticed he had already had three or four it only comes with about six i had had no jalapeno poppers from that one and so i reached towards it and we we did that kind of koi like you take it no you take it and i was like no seriously white boy you take it he's like well okay then i did the no you know you one too many times so missed out on that popper yeah yeah i i feel more comfortable on the poppers i feel comfortable telling telling the weed stories now that like i can't get in any more trouble that i already have um the other the other hilarious weed story i went to um vegas one time and i hadn't smoked in like two or three months so i had like no tolerance and uh x-jaws was in vegas at the same time coincidentally like the i was there for shot show which is a big gun convention x charles was just out there like he was just staying out there with like um little wayne's cousin whatever that rapper's name is i can't i can't remember what it is and uh perhaps no oh it wasn't okay like a little twist or something like that okay and uh white boy uh excuse me extras comes up to my suite and uh and he's got a backpack and he opens up the backpack and he's got an entire court mason jar full of weed and i'm like i'm like how did you get that out here he's like i just went on instagram and look for hashtag 420 and then i just hit them all up anybody that had it i just i was like hey yo i want it i want some i want some and he had like three ounces of weed you know like a lot of wheat and uh and i was he's like you want it you want to smoke one i was like i would love to smoke one and so he rolls up a blunt and i'd never smoked a blunt before for woody's benefit of blunt is um a blunt is like a small cigar uh cigar and the wrapper is also made of tobacco and so what you do is you cut it down the middle with a razor blade you get all the tobacco that's in it out you refill it with marijuana lick that [ __ ] roll it back up so it sticks together x is learning too and uh and then you have then you're getting a mixture of tobacco and marijuana at the same time a lot of rappers smoke the things um they got killed by taylor did too right mike brown maybe he stole the swishers anyway yeah that's what he was up to that's the kind of brand that like people buy to cut open dump out all the tobacco and then make we were smoking a swisher and so x-jaws rolls this big [ __ ] thing up and we still we go we go in my bat the bathroom of the the suite there next to the door and he's got his laptop opened up and he's showing me what he's been up to when he's out there and i think i've told this little tidbit of the story before but it's important to know just how stoned we are while this is happening like like at 12 hours live streaming the whole no god that would that wouldn't have been good so we're he pulls out his laptop and starts showing me videos of what his life is like now and he's hanging out with this look this rapper little twist and little twist is like i guess extras is holding a video camera and little twist is taking him on like a cribs style tour of his penthouse suite at one of the major hotels out there like he's got like the penthouse of the rio or something like that some some twelve thousand dollar a night [ __ ] penthouse and he and he's smoking a blunt in the video and i know for a fact he's smoking the same weed that i'm smoking while i'm watching him smoking it because that's joss is providing it and i'm just wow that's [ __ ] weed ception all right let's see how this is going and he's like yo welcome to my suite instead of saying the n-word now we say brother brother and and you go a little bit farther into the suite and there's a cage and he pulls a cloth off the cage and there's a monkey in the cage and he goes yo brother this is my monkey and he blows the weed out of the monkey and the monkey goes and it's a [ __ ] [ __ ] jumping around in the cage i was like he's got a monkey and a penthouse here right now he's like yeah he's got a monkey serious flex right and we're touring this place and it's beautiful it's like something out of a gangster movie or something like that this huge sunken living room when you know the whole walls are glass and everything you're seeing the whole strip and you go back to a bedroom and he go and he's like holding the doorknob looking at the camera's like you ready for this brother opens the door up this is my lynx cat he's got a links he's got a lynx [ __ ] pissing and [ __ ] in a hotel suite in vega and it's just over there you know it's the one with a real tall pointy ear it's just like you could tell it's thinking like did i kill a little twist and make it to the door in time not today not one but two exotic animals he had two exotic animals and it was at this point where i start not feeling well this is the second time i've ever blacked out in my life did you see justin bieber tapes at all i didn't see anything no i didn't the monkey in the lynx i did not see justin bieber's monkeys x-jaws and justin bieber were hanging out together at one time there was some video or but i might be making some of that up nothing that i saw nothing that i saw but i mean i know they were chilling together and uh you know exercise was always telling me about like what it was like hanging out with bieber and how he was kind of like a spoiled kind of you know he'd be like real [ __ ] up laying on the floor and he'd just yell like sushi go get me sushi and somebody would literally have to run out and get him damn what a life that's awesome so you guys don't do [Laughter] [Laughter] so i start not feeling really well at all i'm like i gotta go i gotta go sit down man i opened the door of the bathroom and i take about two steps and i collapse face first onto the tile floor like whack and and and and everybody freaks out they're like ah are you okay are you okay and i'm just like i'm okay but i'm going to lay here for a while don't take anything by that but this floor is real cold and it feels real good right now yeah and i just want to rub my face on this floor and they're like we're going to order you some food i'm like sounds good but i'm going to keep rubbing my face on the floor and i laid on that floor for a long long time but before i started feeling normal

Channel: PKA Highlights

Views: 98,194

Rating: 4.9380164 out of 5

Keywords: pka, pka clips, pka highlights, painkiller already, painkiller already clips, painkiller already podcast, painkiller already highlights, FPSRussia, WoodysGamertag, pka podcast, pka clip, kyle pka, FPSRussia PKA, pka podcast highlights, pka plays, pka highlight, pka moments pka, pka moments, kyle story compilation, kyle stories compilation, Jeremy stories

Id: fYujDmd9mFs

Length: 218min 7sec (13087 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 22 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/avaldez321]

High T

[u/P0opsMag0ops]

I just realized that Kyle says he hates that one picture of him, that is clearly a professional shot so much, so we don't spam this one that makes him look like a retarded red neck.

[u/Baykey123]

Love these compilations