Talking with Twitch Streamer LilyPichu | Dr.K Interviews

it's crazy like what on earth why do people expend so much energy in hating you so the first thing to understand is that that has nothing to do with you like Lily I know I was talking about how you were amazing and inspirational and you can transform lives and all that good stuff I don't think you have it within you to inspire someone to mail something that comes from them it doesn't come from you yeah are you feeling okay I'm getting over a cold that's unfortunate yeah what do you what do you do to take care of yourself when you get a cold um I try to take my quote equal a lot of cough drops try to drink a lot of water um try to sleep does that when you say try to sleep is it do you not get enough sleep um yeah wait lately trouble sleeping I'm sorry to hear that is that because you're sick um no just in general I don't know just recently to look at me hmm I'm not supposed to dispense medical advice over the internet so this is not medical advice yeah so recent studies have shown that honey lemon tea is actually equally effective to over-the-counter cough remedies I mean cold remedies when it comes to actually treating symptoms okay so it's it's kind of bizarre but apparently like honey lemon tea works just as well and I don't have a reference at my fingertips for that right now but I think it's actually they were looking at kids so this is a pediatric journal so if you I'm honey lemon tea I you know works well I I drink it a lot when I'm sick and it has vitamin C and other anti-inflammatory properties that can be good for you okay I've been drinking tea too good just doing everything I can to get very good so and what am i what am i calling you i I really Lily okay so hi I'm Alec or nice to meet you so can you help me understand a little bit about what we're talking about today sure um I don't understand myself I thought we were talking about feelings or something okay you don't understand yourself that's that's a great topic you do not understand your feelings is also a great topic ooh sometimes people have a particular thing that they like to talk about or focus on so I was just curious if that's the case with you I'm not sure okay that's that's so can you tell me a little bit about hmm do you I'm just curious about if I should just ask you about sleep and we can kind of get through things get to thinking that well so how long have you had trouble sleeping like two months what's been going on over the last couple of months um I broke up with my boyfriend hold on one sec oh okay sorry [ __ ] hello hi okay she's kind of loud okay thank you all right fine so my mods try to sometimes get my attention when I'm talking to people but I'm so absorbed in the person that I'm talking to that that I've given them permission to call my cell phone and they were saying that you're too loud is she better now hello testing okay okay okay okay all right so you were saying two months ago you broke up with your boyfriend yeah yeah then you haven't been able to sleep since then I'm not well cuz I guess we're just kidding he he cheated on me so [ __ ] yeah it was super super hard I'm sorry ever since then uh yes Lee thing's really hard what happens when you try to sleep um so usually sorry Hilda so um let's pause for a second what are you feeling hey what are you apologizing for I can't control in that where do you get the presumption that you have to control being sad where does that come from okay um okay yeah just nothing is a bad habit I'm trying to break that okay so I want to point something out so if you're apologizing for nothing is a bad habit and you're trying to break that are you judging yourself for apologizing too much yeah yeah right so so that's something that we're gonna keep an eye on because I think that something about we're just gonna put a pin in that we'll come back to that I'm sure how does it do you do you feel like you're not allowed to be sad well I stream feeling angry um so uh I don't like like I don't want to seem like I'm throwing like a pity party I guess cuz um like I don't want to appear like I'm not strong but I don't think you know yeah so the topic figure yeah so do you think that okay so this is great I'm glad we're talking about this what do you think so if you are sad on stream what is that how do you understand the impact of that is that like a good thing or is it a bad thing are you disappointing people I think sometimes I rely too much on like sadness or depression or stuff like that I joke about it a lot because that's I think a lot of my I do a lot of stuff defecating camera and stuff like that I'm trying to not because I don't want to be seen it's like I don't want that to just be me right does that make sense yeah so let's understand something very subtle that you said I don't want to be seen as and I don't want that to be me yeah those are two very different things okay does that make sense or no yeah yeah so I I I agree so I think this is what I've already noticed with streamers is that the person it gets confusing like who you are because you don't want to be seen a certain way and you don't want to be a certain way but the way that you're perceived in the person that you are are like fundamentally different things but I think a lot of times people get into trouble because they start can like those two things become blended okay so that makes sense so what are you can it comes to being sad why do you apologize for feeling sad let's not judge it let's not say it's bad because I don't necessarily think it's bad let's try to understand why you're doing that and where that's coming from I guess I feel bad that I fall back on like depression humor and joking about it like too much like every time I turn on my stream and I talk about my feelings or whatever it always comes back to like depression or sadness or something like that and I don't like that I guess what don't you like about that I feel like I should be more positive what I don't like people watch me to feel sadder okay so let's great so let's explore that for a second if you talk about sadness how do you think other people feel who are watching um sometimes they say like it's cool that I talk about sadness because they can relate but other times I get the feeling that all Lily's talking about depression again you know you get that feeling hmm right so let's let's title down into what you said again because I think this is important sometimes people say that it resonates with them and it helps them rule and other times you get the feeling that Oh Lilly's talking about sadness again yeah do people say Oh Lilly's talking about sadness again um very rarely yeah so how do you understand that I guess I take it too seriously it's not I don't think I think that's like a very minority yeah most people find it relatable but yeah I yeah I guess I worry that I talk about it too much anyway I don't know if that's good or not yeah so let's take a step back from what's good and what's not good because in my experience judgment doesn't help us so much I think let's start with understanding and then we can sort of decide from a clearer mindset like what we want to do and what we don't want to do like what we want to cultivate and what we don't but I'm already noticing that if you're concerned about something how do you think that shapes your perception of whether that thing is happening or not if I'm worried about something I feel like it becomes a reality even if it's not real absolutely absolutely that's exactly what it does right so if I'm concerned that my hair is look silly and then I'm walking down the street and someone looks in my direction I just automatically assumed that they're looking at my hair because it's silly even though it's a street and they're just gonna be people looking in my direction right so you're absolutely correct that sometimes if we are concerned about something we feel like we get information to reinforce it yeah let it get to my head too much yeah so that - but that's normal right so I I'm noticing subtle amounts of judgement when you say I let it get to my head too much that implies that you should do you should there's another side to that statement which is that you should let it get to your head less do you see that yeah and so these statements the self self-critical statements are like they're very reflexive for you yeah they are they've always done this and I wish I didn't but it's it just slips out I yeah yeah yeah so so that that's a pattern of the mind and it's unfortunate that you do that in the sense that it causes you suffering but I do think that we can try to understand like where you learned how to do that and hopefully teach you a different way to like think about yourself um but let me just kind of go back to this the streaming thing because I think so I'm gonna just think for a second is that okay oh I'm just I'm just trying to make a mental list of like stuff to think about and not lose track of okay so I'm gonna go back to the statement that you made that you're you sometimes you feel like you talk about it too much hmm so in the context of what we're talking about now this is kind of a weird abstract read my mind question but what do you think about that what do you think you actually talk about depression too much I genuinely think sometimes I do fall back on it too much because well when you stream like every day for exemplary there's only so many things you can talk about yourself like stream knows a lot of things about me already right and I guess I kind of habit I just talk about depression because I was such a big part of my life and and if you if you talk about it too much like what is that how do you know what's too much I guess it's just my own personal way of quantifying it like oh I talked about this last team and the last dream I shouldn't talk about this dream I like made a joke about it again oops yeah so why do you think people come back to your stream like do you think people are looking for like it in general when you're watching something on Twitch how do you decide who to watch I don't know why people watch it do you have do you have a yeah but do you watch people on Twitch I'm making assumption that's me I watch my friends a lot okay so and let's talk about restaurants actually so when you're going to a restaurant why do people like do you go to like you have some favorite restaurants in the area yes okay so like what are some of your favorite restaurants there's this really nice Thai place and has really nice tasty and it's walking distance oh wait you mean that you go to the Thai restaurant again and again for Thai iced tea yeah you don't go for something different every time um sometimes I do sometimes I feel like I'll explore the menu a little but mostly because it's walking distance and it's good and it's cheap and yeah yeah sort of consistently you go there for consistency right yes so in general like when I watch things like I know I tend to watch things like so when I I I mean I I like dota okay and I know you sometimes play League of Legends right do you like League of Legends less so but I know that that's gonna catch if you play League of Legends I don't play League of Legends oh you don't think of Legends yeah I'm sorry No um but you know I I probably should because most of the people that I know play League of Legends so I may install so but when I when I went for example like when I watch like when I go to like the dota streamers like I'm not going to the dota streamers to watch football hmm or cooking I'm going to them to watch dota and why do you think I mean you sort of talk about so you're you talk about depression a fair amount on stream mm-hmm you think you talk about it too much but what I'm guessing is that based on what you've told me like it sounds like that resonates with people and maybe part of what they like about stream is that you can play League of Legends and you probably have some fun other content that you do and sometimes you talk about depression hmm and that the people who probably feel a little bit sad and lonely and are somehow inspired by some of the work that you do like to see that you're like a complex human being who has a full range of feelings because it sort of allows them to have a full range of feelings what do you think about that painting a wholesome like when you see it like that so when when you say paints it in a very wholesome life I'm wondering I'm wondering is that is there a part of you that's sort of like yeah that sounds great but that's not really how it is it's like I want to believe that good right but you don't 60 percent believe it yeah yeah so that's what I'm saying is that is that there's a there's a there's an undercurrent of a but which is perfectly fine so let's just notice that right which is that I'm painting it in a rosy light but that there's like something else that's like there's a that's kind of like [ __ ] yeah okay so good yeah what a sight you said always cyanea yeah that's good I I live on yeah so our goal here is to understand the different voices in your head right so there's a part of you that sort of thinks that in theory what I'm saying is fine but that just doesn't feel real to you yeah okay I have days where I'm like yeah people are watching me because they like watching me I'm cool like I'm awesome days are I'm like dude you don't deserve these here's how daddies there are days and and what kind of person doesn't deserve those viewers can we talk about the person that you are on those days sure um okay well I think I got into shaming by like complete look really like if you start streaming now I know like the market is like super saturated right super hard to get into I was lucky to start years ago when it wasn't that saturated I'm lucky enough to have like I live in a streamer house that helped me a lot um when I got cheated on my boyfriend like two months ago that that told drama I gave me like a huge influx of viewers so that was like very sudden right like I got thousands of views for some reason um so sometimes on those days it's like am i doing enough to deserve this success and I I think that makes a sensed have you I'm gonna think for a second is that okay yeah thanks for there somebody just gifted a bunch of subs Bongiorno thanks for the gifted subs oh and thanks for the rate the other day I didn't realize but thank you oh yeah you're welcome okay so you sometimes have self-critical thoughts about about yourself right like you sort of say that I don't deserve so let me ask actually ask you this is it that you don't know what you've done to deserve this and you're pleasantly surprised or is there a part of you that feels like actually you don't deserve this I'm like pleasantly surprised like okay I feel so lucky sometimes that's just really hard to take in like wow what did I do to deserve you yeah so okay very good so why is it hard to take in [Music] emotional what are you calling when I ask that question what are you feeling you you you [Music] you you you I feel anything bad yeah just take a minute let's just feel what you're feeling close your eyes for a second tell me what you're feeling physically in your body thank you what does that mean I feel frustrated I try to talk and can't tell you if I cry I'm trying not to cry it's very frustrating yeah so let's let's try not to talk because let's just talk about this for a second okay you're coming on here with the expectation that you're supposed to talk yeah yeah that's not what you're here for because you talking is for who I don't think so because because if I mean I think I think you talking is probably more for the viewers right oh yes yeah so let's not worry about them because I try my best I mean I I mean no offense to anyone who's watching but like I think that the this is really just about me in here this is a conversation between two people that thousands of people people happen to be watching but let's not try to do something for them let's just try to do something for you and if that means periods of awkward silence then periods of awkward silence okay because I think what is actually going to benefit them the most is if you instead of trying to push down your feelings and talk to give a performance you just give yourself the time and space to feel what you feel you understand what you feel and then I think that's what helps people so you know and we'll get back to the sadness because I can see it's going away a little bit yeah yeah it is going away yeah sorry sometimes yeah good good okay okay how what's that about crying yeah like what do you mean I cry a lot I just feel like therapeutic sometimes just crying letting it out like I just want to let it out yeah do you feel better afterward I do I think yeah did you cry on stream oh I try not to okay okay so I think the most recent batch of crying happened when I asked you why it's hard for you to that feeling lucky is like like it's hard for you right so feeling like people actually care about you and that you're lucky and that you know you're successful like it seems to be that it feels kind of it's hard for you why do you think that is how do you understand that um can I think it ties into the whole like uh because I got the influx of you is right from the drama thing whatever that and I just wonder what I'm doing really like yeah I turn on my stream I do my thing you know like I talked my feelings or you draw or like play music or whatever right but sometimes I do it and I'm just like it's just like entertaining like is this fun to watch it I why and I don't I don't think I'm like special yeah okay so I think what I'm hearing from you is you don't deserve what the world is giving you and then some things people say like oh you only have yours cuz you're a girl or like you have a cute voice are you faking your voice or whatever that help do you say about me um or like it's just because if your roommate story more popular than you or and how does that sit with you ah doesn't make me feel good because I'd want people to watch me because uh just because of Mary yeah but yeah I'd awful things like there's like a bunch of people out there who are you know talent what more talented more pretty prettier for entertaining so sometimes a and I'm so worried about like relevancy to in which she me is super important you could be a nobody in a month right and this is my job okay so I'm hearing a lot of different things I'm gonna try to try to go through these like one at a time so the first is that there's a part of me that feels like you don't feel like you deserve success that's why you use the word luck right like like if we think about why people invoke luck it's because like luck is on one end of the spectrum in like something that you deserve or worked for or earned like earned and locker on two opposite ends of the spectrum right and there may be luck involved I don't know but but the first thing that I understand when you say that you kind of feel lucky so there's a there's a difference between feeling privileged and grateful that people are interested in you and supporting you and things like that and I get the sense that you definitely feel that way and there's also like another feeling that can happen which is like what's sort of wrong with these people and why are they interested in you because there are people who are as you put it prettier and what my talented yeah they're better than you right so that implies to me that somewhere along the way you feel like you don't you got the idea or there's a part of you that believes that you don't deserve to be successful and so my question for you and then there's the haters which we'll get to in a second but my question to you is like how long have you felt like you don't deserve to be happy or successful um I feel like it's like since I started almost because I got into this job by luck you know when you first start off I think a lot of things are kind of I love hina you kind of stumble upon it oh all of a sudden it's my my job I can do this and I used to be super inconsistent even more so than now I used to literally just not get out of bed and maybe stream like once a month if my fans are lucky um I use a super low effort super super and like for some reason they still dance who would still watch me right so luckily I got into this streamer house that helped motivate me to work more and become more consistent stream yeah I guess and also that again I keep bringing this up it was a huge thing where I got my good pooped on my furious right all of a sudden almost overnight and then I mean you think like oh what can I do - like deserve these views how can I make them stay how can I me how can I feel like I'm like be happiest this type of streamer I guess okay can you help me understand what what happened I mean you you because you you do keep coming back to this so you got an influx of viewers because you got cheated on by your boyfriend yeah in a very public manner it was super public even my parents heard about it it was like there are articles it was just [ __ ] ton sorry I'm a little crazy yeah I think so like just okay tons of videos about it um threads people messaging me like it was overwhelming me so I'm new to twitch so can you help me understand why your boyfriend on cheating on you we were a very public couple so you guys are like you're like a celebrity right I mean I don't like the word either but from the Boomer world where I come from yeah yeah okay fine like pseudos live it's not right so like I've never heard I mean so I have you know I know people in my life who sometimes deal with infidelity and I've never heard about anyone writing articles about it okay yeah okay so yeah there were some articles there yeah it's because they were a very public couple I involved him in a lot of my content actually like everything good I dream we did music together we collapse together like I'm a super serious about because when I when it comes to relationships I'm very like if I choose someone I'm hard committing I see you myself with you for the rest of my life so yeah we were together for two years or so and I found out when I was in Japan and another country um with him with all of my friends I mean I didn't want it to blow up but sorry they'll feel bad about that like if there's one thing I could change it would be I would try to make it more private break nicely instead like everyone knows about it and I felt bad because he also got like a lot of hate anyone scissors even if ever since then that's where the trouble sleeping comes from I think from then I haven't been able to really sleep I've been trained to distract myself um let distract yourself from what and how do you feel sad what does that mean sad I'm sad because I wish it didn't happen I wish the entire Internet I wish things could just go back to normal how do I know it's never gonna be like that again um I've been trying to ya distract myself just try them on you know I feel sometimes feel like just kind of weak I guess I feel like I should be over it I know okay Lily I don't think sad is the best word to describe what you're going through I think what you need to do to move on so first of all you know I know that you blame yourself for not being good enough and that's a thing so I'd like to talk you know at some point maybe we can talk about that maybe not today actually because I'm getting the sense that maybe understand is actually even a little bit premature just just with where you are and I think the first thing that I'd like to share with you is that I think what you need to do is grieve I don't know if you've ever thought about it like this I tried craving um I know it's bad but I drank a lot just crying letting it all out I and I think like there are days where I'm like okay I'm good um I can do this but then I get these where it's late [ __ ] it this hurts yeah so I don't think drinking is griefing oh it's not like open district I know it's bad yeah I know yeah so so let's just think about grief so like what are the things that you do when you grieve for someone if you have you like is someone that you care about passed away you have to be a person so so if we think about like when someone can we is it okay if we talk about that for a second okay because because what I'm hearing from you is that you'd like to move on from this right and in in a sense I think you're doing a good job because there are days that you're able to like kind of fully function it sounds like you're able to find joy and happiness and pleasure in life and then there are days where this thing kind of like rears its ugly head yeah and unfortunately that's how grief works so grief doesn't it's not like you beat a level it's like it's like you know once you beat a level like you randomly go back to that level when grief decides that we're gonna go back to that place but I wonder if there's also some ways in which we can help you move on I mean I even want to say like faster sounds like the wrong sentiment but for us to understand what you're going through and if there's some way that like if we can understand what you're going through maybe we can make the process easier or less bumpy for you and my first thought is like when you think about someone that you lost do you think that you've grieved for that person or animal appropriately like you feel like you've you're you're in a good place with that oh all I do is just cry is that good yeah sure but I mean do you still feel do you still cry about the person that you lost I do I do does it feel like does it feel bad when you try again cathartic yeah so that's that's important right so like II there are two kinds of crying there's the crying that sort of feels good at the end of it and then there's the crying that sort of can also sort of feel good temporarily but isn't quite cathartic and doesn't lead to less there are two kinds of crime there's the cathartic crying which over time leads to less crying and processing of feelings and then there's the crying that sort of just is experiencing awfulness that doesn't necessarily decrease the amount of awfulness down the road you with me yes and what what are we calling your boyfriend what should I you can it should I just say your boyfriend or do you want to use a name okay so when it comes to Albert you know when you cry about that which way does it feel that I lost it I want it back but I can't like just a loss I guess yeah so and this is gonna be kind of weird but do you feel confident that you can find being a good committed healthy relationship again I don't know if I want to commit and that idea is like it's really scary no I guess cuz yeah I put everything into this and he did that so what's to say that's not gonna happen again or it just feels very scary like the idea of committing yourself to one person no yeah absolutely I think it I mean I imagine if I were in your shoes I would be terrified of it not only that because like I hope where I'm just just really being open with my viewers as well I tell them a lot of things so if I were in a relationship right I'd want to share it I want them to be part of my life but last time that Boston Public it was so yeah probably became self I can be so messy and like I totally like deal with that every can you know scary yeah so I'm noticing attention within you and sort of like even if you had another relationship do you sort of stay true to kind of the unspoken promise your fans which is that they get to see the inside of your life and thereby open yourself up to you know the pain of a very public and you know commented on break up where apparently he also got a lot of hate or do you change the the way that you interact with your fans which sounds like it's probably compromising or sacrificing something I don't know yeah because it feels bad hiding such a big part of my life I like having if I had a significant other I'd want them to be you know part of what I do like I went to club with them I want to spend time with them I want to work with that I wanna I want to do things with them solely its we like your relationship with its Albert with Albert was pretty perfect it seemed like I thought I thought I'd marry I thought it was like you know he was great I really really loved him like he yeah we lost somewhere in trees we we played music together we we got along really well I had no idea that he was an apple see um how do you know he wasn't happy cuz he we talked after words he he told me the reasons why cuz I'm gonna to know and yeah and I felt bad cuz he bottled a lot of things into um I wish he total but he didn't and that just manifested in this really ugly manner and just felt bad there's really bad what does that mean bad that he couldn't tell me they couldn't communicate with me like I would have done anything to fix whatever it really but he told someone else like I know you're not supposed to compare yourself but hey I'm like what did they have that I didn't mmm and I thought I was a good girlfriend but I just yeah Lily there's something very subtle in in honestly dangerous that you're doing I think you're accepting a lot of responsibility for things that are not your responsibility so like I'll just put it to you bluntly like there's something that really makes me angry at the thought that someone feels like this that if a relationship didn't work out and I hear you say that I mean I have no idea what kind of girlfriend you are or what kind of boyfriend Albert is or so I can't judge this but I hear this thread consistently in what you're saying that you kind of say I like you weren't good enough of a girlfriend whereas like I don't know if that's true right like I'm hearing this theme of like I wasn't like if if he had told me I could have done something about it and you feel like that sort of a deficiency on your part that he wasn't with me meals too clingy I don't know maybe yeah right so so so just notice what you're doing there is like you're accepting responsibility for like everything that happens around you right that if you had been better he would have been able to be more open if you had been a more better girlfriend and less clingy like he would have stayed if you had been more entertaining or more talented or more attractive you would have gotten these viewers without drama yeah do you see that thread so like I think we've got it and I'm struggling I'm really struggling here because there's a part of me that says that you're hurting right now and there is something that is really at the top of mind for you which is this relationship and how you're kind of thinking about yourself but there's another part of me that says that all of this stuff comes from like one common place because it's like the same thing which is that like Lily sometimes isn't good enough and I'd like to understand I mean I I'm torn so maybe you can help me out like what do you think we should talk about should we aren't try to understand where that comes from or should we talk about Albert and sleep and how you feel in the process of grieving I don't know okay well that makes two of us maybe the first one done okay so I can you I'm gonna quaint us okay what are your choice like II just um I mean so so that the choices are like do you want to talk about the last two months and sleeping and grieving and relationships how do you want to talk about where you got the idea that you're not good enough maybe not good enough fun okay that seems more yeah what happened to your indecisiveness make a decision I feel bad stalling okay I could live with that so he asked you how long have you so you know when you feel like you don't deserve success let's say and I know that you don't always feel that way right so this is something that no it's almost exactly so so like let's just first appreciate that it's almost like something there's like a dormant Lily there's like the Lily who doesn't think that she's like good enough can we like conceptualize her that way okay and then sometimes like is there some way that you can think of that we can kind of put a name to her Lily - Lily - okay and so is there some way that sohow and Lily - like sometimes wakes up in your mind right there are days that you something is happening like some days you get out of bed and it's like Lily - who's running the show and you're self-critical in your self judgmental and there are other days where it's like regular Lily is running the show and here you can feel grateful what yeah I like that yeah feeling like that I wish I could feel like that every day we're gonna get there okay I mean maybe not at the end of the hour but we're gonna get there so and then there's a certain I there's certain things that like even if Lily one is regular lily is waking up and is living your day something can happen at 3:00 p.m. where the lily - sort of takes over rightly some kind of interaction yeah or someone says something to you yes right so Lily - is like a part of you that wakes up or goes to sleep yeah yeah and and so the solution that we have is oddly enough not executing Lily - and dumping her in the river what steel Apple I know you would but that's not how it works and that's what happens every time you know you drink to excess or whatever like that's what distraction and coping is its pushing Lily to away what we actually need to do is like like let's act let's just think for a second how does Lily to feel to feel yeah dread okay dread about what every yeah so dread I think of his fear so Lily too is afraid of certain things happening what is she afraid of everything like aa career yep and what is the fear about her career streaming is seems volatile yep scary yep I want to do other things I have other dreams then I don't know if I can fulfill them trying my best this doesn't sound like Lily - to me sorry this is only 1 or 2 it 3 you know we're talking about Lily - so-so and that's okay so let me just try to avenge or something right so I would be I would imagine that if Lily 2 is waking up which is sort of like the sad depressed Lily - isn't good enough it's that she won't be able to cut it streaming that one day she's gonna wake up and what she's afraid of is that people are gonna realize that she doesn't deserve the success that she's getting and that they're gonna kind of see you for who you are and they're gonna move on to someone else yeah is that a fear of Lily - is that accurate that's the fear okay okay so what do you think that person needs if your friend was like let's say like you say you live in a house full of streamers right so if one of your friends says like voices those fears to you uh-huh what do you do for her or him I tell her reassure them that they are good enough but they they're they are good they're great they got here for a reason yeah like you to support them okay and how does that work for your friend um they would appreciate it yeah and so what do you say - Lily - is that what you say - - Lily - I try sometimes good that's impressive that that's really good how does that work um sometimes it works you know like I tell myself like yeah you're good enough you can do this like people like you you're you're great you know you're good and that's great and the diesel works it's great and on the days that it doesn't it doesn't work it's just like ah [ __ ] everything I'm going back to bed yeah so so like I just wanted to point that out to you for a second because what you're doing - Lily - when you say actually you are good enough and and you have worked hard and from what I hear from you I think you are I mean who deserves success is sort of a separate issue but I hear a lot about what you've worked hard to do and I mean I think you're deserving of your success for the simple reason that you were telling me that you used to be consistent and then it sounds like you made a lot of large scale changes to your life and you put forth a lot of effort into like actually you know doing a good job and that in spite of actually a lot of internal demons that you struggle with you still managed stream somewhat consistently and things like that which i think is really amazing and also that doesn't so there's some days where that wins but but there are other days where it loses and I just want to point out that that's not actually like shooting Lily - and dumping her in the river right $0.07 like there's a part of you that wants to dump her in the river and I suspect that that's part of the reason why this is so hard for you to shake because I actually think that you know there's there's like a fight between like Lily one and Lily - but what you described is not a fight between Lily one and Lily - its Lily one doing what for Lily - getting rid of her know what no right so when you tell yourself what do you tell yourself when sometimes you're feeling down oh um yeah you're good enough is that getting rid of her no it's not um try to supporter yeah absolutely that's the very opposite of getting rid of her yeah sorry yeah yeah so so I think it's it's it's a normal it's something that's very confusing and Lily I think you're actually one step ahead of the game because most people when they when they have a part of themselves that feels like they're you know very self-critical self judgmental where you feel like you're not good enough you want to get rid of them right like when I asked you like you want to dump them in the river you like hell yes I want to be happy for the rest of my life what what what I think you actually need to do which I'm really happy to hear that you're able to do this for yourself is actually like like actually I'm not gonna say that I'm gonna ask you a few more questions right so let's let's think about where the lily 2 comes from so how long have you like when like do you remember feeling that way like in the past yeah but how long has Lily 2 and let's just be clear so who is Lily - the past one the [ __ ] John yep and and more specifically what do we mean by depressed and sad scared ok scared I think do you so I would say that what I'm hearing from you is that like Lily - isn't good enough oh yeah that that that - so it sounds like there's more to it no I mean if there is that's fine so let's just try to understand so like when you're feeling sad and depressed when it comes to thinking about Albert is there a part of you that feels like you know there's a part of you that's sad because you had something beautiful and now it's gone and there's also this part of you that creates these thoughts like oh if I had done this then he would have stayed if I had been better at listening if I had been less clingy then that could have worked out sometimes right it's you okay so when you say sometimes are there how can I put this I think there's a healthy sadness and there's an unhealthy sadness within you and that I think the healthy sadness is just you know kind of the normal sadness and sometimes that can be cathartic as you put it but then there's an unhealthy sadness where you think certain thoughts about yourself and how the relationship made you feel that's not quite the same as like fearing relationships in the future and stuff because that's kind of a different thing but I do think there's like actually more than just two lilies there's like lilies three and there's Lily four but right there are a lot of lilies and and what I'd like to focus on is the one who leads you to thoughts like you were too clingy or if you had been better he would have talked to you or things like that does that make sense we're gonna focus on her so how long have you felt like you're kind of undeserving of success or that you're kind of not good enough okay I don't know if I can pinpoint it but it okay feels like it's been like just there all my life right okay do you have any memories of like things that happened when you were young that sort of made you feel that way yeah so I remember when I was younger my parents very very traditional Korean they wouldn't mean a coda like good college and stuff right um I got depression in high school and that made me feel like not good enough and I ended up almost failing and went to Community College and then I had no idea what to do with my life I have nothing to offer really so I stumble upon YouTube and streaming just by chance I started like you know cute little videos but voice acting and like art and stuff like that people ate it so I started doing that um but even throughout all that I wasn't consistent I thought everything I made was like whatever but it gave me something to do so I continued what do you mean by got depressed in high school oh I used to fight a lot with my parents I was very suicidal very very depressed um it took my mom some time to realize how serious it was she didn't believe me at first uh and then I just felt like really a failure I guess in high school because I would not go I would not get out of bed I would refuse to go to school I almost missed the minimal attendance think so I almost failed and I remember I was talking with the counselor and she was like yeah your GPA is like 2 point 1 point z naught I don't give a [ __ ] I just did not care I guess I don't know but I mean it sounds like the the fighting with your parents is a consequence of your depression not the origin of your depression mmm I guess I don't know how the depression started I really okay don't can you tell me about what middle school was like for you middle school was okay actually like up until well elementary school okay so element is what it was a period of time where I had no friends but two three years that was hard and then I got into middle school I moved and I've made friends and I'm like okay I'm happy I thought it was generally like a happy time I was doing well in school I had friends I was socializing it was fun I went to high school the first year was fine I remember I was like I had a lot of hopes I want to go to college I want to succeed I want to do a lot of things and then like 10th grade started fighting with my parents a lot I retreated into the internet forums and stuff what would you fight with your parents about just remember it's like they would be really angry at me for [Music] like just not going to school not getting the dates or just being really useless in general like I literally did not do anything I just stayed in bed all day and I was playing a lot of video games at the time they hated that they hated me going on the computer so much that they hid behind I used to hide the mouse in the keyboard in the basement and when they went to work I would bring it up I used to put a lot of like MMORPGs a lot of them I thought was like my escape MMORPGs which ones yeah I used to play back knock online a lot mmm I connect online that was maplestory just every like mo more appreciate around that time like I just I played them all I tried them all it was really fun and they got into like I'd meet friends on the internet so I'm like no I don't need friends really yeah how did it feel when your parents were angry with you I felt really bad like I was disappointing them and they would like we wanted these fights were really really bad like there were parts where she would she would threaten to call like a psychiatric ward and like take me in and stuff and like she told me once I remember I can't forget this like I was 15 years old she was dropping me off at high school I think I'm yeah high school of course and and we had a fight in the car and she she told me like she wished I was never born so that stuck with me for going my relationship with my parents are great by the way right now it's like wonderful but back then it was just so bad oh and then she won't feel like um compare me to other treaties so easy I know and I'm like and I'm just like yeah whatever mom and I'll go back to my MMORPG yeah yeah very even mm-hmm they feel so many comments about my weight too so I always felt like that even though I wasn't that and then yeah so how do you how would they how that make you feel and we're not trying to bash your parents here okay so I think they just you know I have Asian parents too I mean Indian parents but my dad when we were young said so I have an older brother and this is the story that I would tell during med school interviews so they would ask me why do you want to be a doctor and then I well my dad when we were growing up said one of you is gonna be a doctor and one of you is gonna be a lawyer and my brother is older than I am so he got to choose first and he got he went to law school so here is that's funny yeah so you know I I think I think Asian and South Asian parents are very similar in terms of you know you have a there's a there's a very specific sense of what successes in life and in a sense I come to realize it's not their fault it's just because that's the formula for them right like that's how they got to this country is by like working hard and and not playing mmo's they did um come around eventually obviously right yeah and I think they realized how much they [ __ ] up with me so like my brother and I like to joke he's my younger brother I'm like the beta product and he's like the final product my brother had no issues like he went to like an engineering college he's he's great he's fine he's super healthy and how are you oh yeah Lee in the same way that you're talking about your brother oh I I guess I found success you know sorry um yeah by chance miraculously my mom says it's a miracle I somehow got here to where I am and yeah still very like Wow to me so yeah I didn't know what its gonna do first of all sure do you I'm still okay I'm gonna need a second I'm just trying to understand so I'm gonna say something and maybe this is not gonna be fair but I'm just curious whether twitch chat is as confused as I am oh right like are you guys confused or does this make sense to you they say something wrong no no you didn't say anything wrong it's just it blows my mind that and it's hard because I I think I think that I'm just gonna think for a second okay so I was about to say it blows my mind that you're not able to see that you have value I'm gonna steer clear this word success but that that you have immense value and that just because you didn't find you didn't follow the road that was scripted doesn't mean that you didn't find your own way and that you were you're deserving of respect because even more so than like just going to an engineering school like you struggled and you found your own path you forged a road like you you built a path that did not exist before that despite all of your difficulties and all of the challenges that you faced including depression including parents who are not supportive back then in spite of all of those things you managed to get to where you are and it blows my mind that you can't see it that way but of course you can't see it that way and the question is like well why not and then it kind of comes back to I'm gonna just keep going normally I would stop because you're crying but I'm just gonna plow forward is that okay Lily okay um maybe I should ask you how you feel but I'm just gonna keep going okay so I think this is a cathartic cry that's what I'm gonna guess yeah okay so I'm gonna keep going so so then the question like for a second there I was about to say blows my mind why you can't see that but then of course like you've actually already answered that and it comes back to something that we talked about at the beginning of the interview is when you believe something about yourself like if I believe that my hair is messed up and someone is walking down the street like I'm going to perceive that that person is looking at my hair even though that is like completely insane and this is Lilly - Lilly - is the person who keeps you from seeing that you were absolutely amazing and deserving of love and respect and that you've like forged a path for yourself where despite being and this is going to be bizarre less talented and less attractive thousands of people watch you every time you stream so rather than being undeserving if we're really being if we're really being scientific we have to conclude that you have something else right like if you think about your favorite restaurants and the ones that have no no tablecloths in crappy service and look like [ __ ] and if people keep coming back over and over and over why is that Lily consistency of what the service sucks it looks bad they like something about it what do they like about the restaurant could be anything what are you okay so like maybe this is a harder question than I'm thinking in a spec so when I think about a restaurant I think about like you know food service ambiance wait times cleanliness and at the end of the day I sometimes go to restaurants that have bad service bad ambiance and are dirty like a food truck but they're like go for the cute waiter you know even if everything else is they could but why do they go back to that restaurant the food thing absolutely is at the end of the day what you put in your mouth and what you're looking for you get right like I said the end of the day if people are coming back to a restaurant it's for the [ __ ] food okay and that you can make a good argument I'm sure you can convince yourself of this because your mom taught you from a very young age just like my parents did that you can compare yourself to other people and then then now I I kind of joke about it that you know I'm every Indian parents dream and every Indian kids worst nightmare because I'm a harvard-trained physician right so you can yeah and you can convince yourself and compare yourself but at the end of the day there's no doubt in my mind that the people are coming to watch you because of you and it's not about Talent it's not about appearance that you have the secret sauce there's something just authentic and amazing about the person that you are that keeps people coming back because like I work with a lot of people who are sociopathic I work with a lot of executives and you can't keep up and act that long there's got to be something legit you just can't do it like you can fool the world for like a day a month even a year but you've been doing this for years and people keep coming back and you're not able to see that because you're not primed to see it and you're not primed to see it because of Lily too and when I hear about what your mom did like it sort of makes sense right because what did your mom what was sort of like the TLDR of your the way you know your parents treated you in high school what did you learn from them disappointment absolutely right disappointment why because what there we go right that and we see that that's where the lily 2 is from and I don't I mean I I feel like we're get bashing your parents I really don't they just did the best that they could and you know I had I almost failed out too so with you from playing too many video games not so much mmo's more RTS and Diablo but you know and III think I I just don't know I mean it it it makes me sad to see that you know you've just you've started to think about yourself in a particular way in terms of and it's actually like there's a part of you that side but there's a part of me that's kind of happy and this is part of what's been confusing for me is I think you've actually made a lot of progress because I see Lily too but I think it's amazing that you are able to actually see that you do demonstrate value and that like you aren't disappointed like your fear is that like when when I asked earlier like what is Lily to feel you said dread and then I asked dread of what and like you didn't really give me an answer but I'd put money that it's dread of disappointment probably so what was it like hearing me say that clarity but more clarity cathartic cry yeah well let's go to your Chi that was inside so let me and if you have questions and stuff we can we can get to that but so let me just start by saying this the first thing is that the other thing that I think is actually really kind of cool and unfortunate is that I think sometimes you know we suffer and I think that I talk a lot about Dharma which means duty or responsibility and I think you are under valuing your contribution to the world because you kind of you've been programmed to think about a contribution in a particular way and you sort of say like I talk too much about depression maybe I should talk less about depression but I think what people are resonating with is that like a lot of people who are watching on twitch feel disappointed in themselves and feel like the world is disappointed in them right mm-hmm like there's a part of me that says that every gamer is a little bit broken like that sometimes right and and I think that like that's something that when you show that part of yourself and what you've been through like they resonate with that and I think that's incredibly important for them because like here's the thing you know when you were 15 we haven't talked about this but I imagine you felt incredibly incredibly alone that you didn't understand what was going on in your life and like the people like no one understood you and you didn't understand why like you tried to be a different person you tried so hard to be a different person and you just could not figure out how to do it and you were just busted old you and like there's something really powerful about people who are feeling that way being able to watch you struggle and say like oh wow like she's busted lily and I'm busted me and she manages to do it so I shouldn't give up and I think if we're talking about like contributions to the world like that's [ __ ] amazing man so don't stop what you're doing and they deserve like you deserve every ounce of it not only do you deserve it but they need you Lily it's not even about you it's about like what you're doing for that you make it sound very cool and there it is again right there's the part of you that hesitates to believe I use like 60% police Hey yeah so that's progress that's that's what makes my life hard because I think you've actually done a lot of I know you've done a lot of good work in terms of understanding your 60% there and for that last 40% this is kind of what I'll leave you with is that you know that person needs your compassion so that's like 15 year old Lily who just got yelled at and told that you know by her mom that I wish you were never born and she needs you she needs the strong version of you she needs the person that you've actually become the person who's successful who can look back on her life and say like because this is something that I think you can do and I imagine you do you know that like even if you're lost and you feel hopeless like and you went to Community College like you can find you can find a life where you can be you know you can have joy and happiness and travel the world and like there's a road for you like life isn't over and so 15 year old Lily needs how old are you now 20 needs 28 year old like you need to be your own older sister and there's there forty percent of you still skeptical that's fine I mean 600 sure okay thoughts questions no like my brain is just blank I'm sorry yeah that's okay that's what we're shooting for so you don't need to jumpstart it I would just I would just sit sit with where you are for a minute mm-hmm close your eyes just feel no looking no peeking okay okay good so do you do you have any questions I mean like thinking of a bunch of things right now on Trent okay think of what to say I also wanted to mention um like my parents are definitely a big part of why I fear disappointment I also can we talk about hate for a second sure yeah I got a lot of hate thirty years a lot there are so many moments I wanted to quit because of that because people who don't know me make assumptions about me or talks me or send me letters to my hope mhm call me uh non-stop hate and I think it's gotten better dealing with it because you have to get better dealing with it when you do this kind of stuff right when you have like yeah but there's still some days where I read like one thing and it's like a spiral yeah yes it's hard and that's also I think why I fear giving myself value because sometimes I'm scared if I see myself in a better light or like a valuable light that just means like it gives them more ammo I guess how does it give them more ammo hmm I've been told that if they can't [ __ ] on me if I [ __ ] on me you know what I mean like you can't insult me if they insult myself yeah so that's very powerful and potent you think yeah deprecation yes I do that a lot you how long do you want to talk about this Lily what do you want to really dive into it or do you wanna do you have somewhere to go you have to go somewhere I mean um I need to go for my car in about 25 minutes so I'm just trying to understand so like if you want to have a conversation which i think is very productive I first of all just need to take a little bit of a break because this wears me out a little bit and before you dive into it no no that's it's fine it's just I'm I'm just trying to think a little bit about you know if you want a simple answer I can give you that in five to ten minutes but if you really want to dive into hate I think that's fine I'm just gonna like drink some water and and maybe use the bathroom and then we can come back refreshed and dive in how does like you tell me what do you what you need to do um yeah okay dive okay so I just need a minute yes so I'll be back in like five minutes okay okay okay so you guys talk to Lily okay oh god okay [Music] all right thank you um okay so hatred let's dive in or what so tell me so you're saying that people send you hate stuff yeah oh wait I need fix naming oh yeah and you were saying something this is brilliant so you're saying that if you you know if you don't build yourself up they can't tear you down yes right so I'm noticing an instinct to try to protect you from some things but okay so well well we'll get to that are you are you up for a little bit more emotion or you feel like you're spent know I love emotions curling okay so we'll see what happens but okay so all right so tell me you know how does it so tell me about why you know why bring this up with me now like what's what's the motive I felt like um the reason why I don't value myself not only comes from you know my upbringing my parents but also this too and I felt like it wasn't you know genuine if I didn't bring it up as well like it felt like I should I guess I should have so the first thing is that this may not actually come from your parents so I think your it coming from your parents is an easy thing but the number of streamers who I've talked not just streamers but people who I talked to who sort of say like you know I see how what you said sort of relates but I didn't mention this thing because I didn't feel comfortable talking about it on streem and oftentimes it comes from somewhere else I just didn't want to yeah yeah no no I'm just saying that a lot of people will sort of I think it's actually great that you're you're choosing to bring it up because a lot of people will like message me privately afterwards and say like oh so I think it's actually great that you did so how do you think so it's it what I'm getting from you is that instinctually hatred seems to be a part of this equation like that this discussion is not complete without talking about sort of hatred and how people are venomous towards a lot yeah and can you tell me like so what are we talking about are we talking about like post streaming career or like prior to streaming um post okay during I guess during yeah um so tell me a little bit about what what you mean by hatred and what happens and what you expect like what you receive and how you feel um okay so first my voice that I want to hate for that Yad no people really did not like it like just a lot of hate over it yeah but it died down for sure but it was really bad pardon me because I'm just she only just be completely ignorant but what on earth does your voice have to do with it like I don't even understand oh oh they thought I was like freaking it I see like they they think I'm faking it they thought it well they still think I don't know okay yeah but that's the crux of it really like they think I'm thinking why does why do they hate that like why would anyone think you're hating your voice I'm just so confused oh okay so they think I'm faking my voice so they think I'm faking it for attention and then that gives way to like oh she's just doing everything for it tension she's fake or whatever oh I see okay got it yeah yeah so what do you think about that well nowadays I really don't care anymore good like there's there's only so many years you can get that in like you know [ __ ] it and this is my voice like I'm just gonna tuck in whatever is comfortable for me like I'm just that's it right what else can I do yeah um so how does it make you how did it make you feel when they when they would you know hate on you and how does someone hate on you for their voice what do they actually say they say you're faking your voice for attention is that what in how that I don't know what the hate mail this looks like okay hey you're not talking in your real voice but I'm not talking in my real voice too but that's that's okay you don't have to do it like that you can do with it whatever kind of voice you want to do this we can do a little bit the German accent we can do all kinds of the different accents so all all kinds of voices that are all fake everything is false in the south meaning when you order like that yeah it makes no sense huh but that's just one part of it is yeah go ahead oh no no oh okay other part of it is I think I don't know why they there are people who just really didn't like me like they would send me messages where they were channeling psychoanalyze me like this is why you do this like you only do it for attention your fake nothing about your you don't deserve success like [ __ ] like that they do say message me stuff like that okay and that's like okay um that used to bother me a lot back then especially when I was them oh is it I was dating them before Alfred a a public figure as well and people would messaged me saying how oh you're just dating them for attention you're gold digger stuff like that and that really bothered me because I don't like being misunderstood I guess cuz I'm not like that but they believe that so I don't know sucked you Risa okay sure feel like I'm breaking him is he okay is he's fine right he's okay I just I feel bad oh and there was one time yes someone sent me like a letter to my house when I live with my parents I don't know how they caught me I just well probably pull up the docks and hey yeah it was creepy do you send me a seven-page letter saying how like disparaging like everyone thought I was hanging out with and that I wasn't good for them it was just weird oh okay no seven-page I wish I kept it now it's part of history but I threw it away I British I burned it or something oh and then there are people who message me like after the whole Albert thing happened like ah how I deserved to be cheated on and like stuff like that and I know this sounds like a stupid question even me but like how does that make you feel people those already like in my own head but do you believe that when they say it um in my lowest of times maybe like at my little point right good for you so so I see this is interesting so I think this is different because you would think because they're saying the very things that you actually like Lily to actually believes but you tell me that at your lowest of low maybe so I think that something something within you rebels against that and actually doesn't believe that I don't want to believe in that of course you don't want to believe it I'm not asking what you want I'm asking what you do do you actually believe them when they say these things about you I can just that by little points yeah yeah I I think it's good that you don't believe them that doesn't mean that it isn't hurtful but I don't think that this is the same is you feeling like do they make you feel inadequate I think it's more like they're triggers for like more thoughts like they'll mention like oh you did this so he cheated on you then I'm like I know I didn't but then Lily I would think like I did do a up I wasn't like a little clingy I guess I guess I was like that like I guess okay so they they kind of caused you to doubt some but it's not like you you feel like these people are or you hit the nail on the head no no no I don't think so okay okay okay there there are three or four things I want to say one of them I think could be hard for you to hear and the other three I think are gonna be fine so the first is we can talk a little bit about understanding like why people hate right so this is not even about you it's just like what on earth would possess someone to go through all of the effort of finding out your address and then writing you a seven-page late letter and like mailing it like so first of all it boggles my mind that someone would like I can't even it takes every ounce of my willpower to like put us like find a stamp buy an envelope print something out and mail it even if it's like important like my mortgage but they did it in a different color like paper and pen color I remember so it was it it's crazy like what on earth why do people expend so much energy in hating you so the first thing to understand is that that has nothing to do with you like Lily I know I was talking about how you were amazing and inspirational and you can transform lives and all that good stuff I don't think you have it within you to inspire someone to mail something that comes from them it doesn't come from you does that make sense yeah that make sense so that's the first thing to understand is that this actually has nothing to do with you and there's a decent chance that you know we have to be a little bit careful about like being narcissistic and saying like oh my haters like it's just all on them and has nothing to do with me so I think you should you know reflect like if someone if you have a criticism like if someone criticizes you so some people criticize me and I think that's fair you know to take their criticism seriously and that sort of depends on the way in manner in which they do it right so if someone sends me a letter that's seven pages long I don't like magazine type of different colors like I don't I mean I'm just less likely to take that seriously because that's just [ __ ] weird right where I sometimes people say like oh what you're doing is irresponsible and stuff like that no those are like legitimate criticisms and and who knows but I so there's a chance there's ego deflecting this and saying oh it's all in them but I really think it's all on them I don't think it's ego I think it's just understanding that hatred comes from them like first of all they don't even know you they're like seeing something and something grates with them about the person that you have become they have to tear you down because if you exist that is something that they cannot like tolerate within their own psyche and I've dealt with people like this in in my own life where like you know like this is kind of like important like that like in a way they've constructed a shell for themselves and the shell involves like certain things being true like for example so I think part of the reason that you may get a lot of hate is because you talk about depression and and when someone says like I'm just gonna you know I have no idea who these people are and and some people were saying I should talk to them I'm happy to talk to them actually but I'm just gonna toss something out there okay this is so like you talk about depression and you struggle with depression and there are other people out there who struggle with depression and there are people who struggle so much with depression that they become disabled and they're not able to do anything with their lives and they blame their depression but there's also a bizarre amount of security in that depression because it absolves you of responsibility and here comes [ __ ] Lillee Picchu who also struggles and got told by her mom like God like you know really emotionally abused by her mom and told her that she wouldn't rather be born and and that's what my parents told me and here she is being successful and that terrifies them because if you can be successful then it's not the depressions fault it's their fault so nothing inspires hate as much as seeing the person that you could be that inspires the deepest hate that I've ever seen because they look at you and they say like oh I could be like that but I'm not so I have to tear her down because if you're fake then they're fine does that make sense a lot of so that's where I think a lot of this hate comes from it comes from them and it comes from their own issues and they have to tear you down in order to make themselves feel better about like their own situation in life Oh like heaven forbid Lily actually is talented and brings value she must have some trick right it must be like she must be faking her voice because and like I can't make that voice and that's why I'm not successful like there's no way that they can like their mind their ego it comes down to ego their ego can tolerate like you being the person that you are because it assaults their worldview in some way questions about that um so you know I don't know that this necessarily helps but I think you know going forward I would just try to remember that right so like you when you're gonna read those words in in your this is gonna come to point number two which is that you are just full of love and we'll get to that in a second but you know like you're gonna you're gonna those words are gonna have an impact on you but remember that like a lot of hate in this world doesn't I mean most hatred is not actually like I mean sometimes it's it's really deserving of the person who did it but most of the time like hatred is like coming from them in like their own sense of like hurt or anger or fear or I mean that's you know when I get hatred like when I get a patient who's like you know I get a lot of hate like I work in a lot of situations where you know sometimes I'll involuntarily hospitalized people and things like that or I'm working with people who were hospitalized against their will and and sometimes I work with people who are like psychotic like not in a colloquial sense but in like a clinical sense and and so that you know you can my overwhelming sense is that hate rarely has to do with you and it mostly has to do with them the other thing to remember is if we think about hate hate is like really kind of a manifestation of anger right it's anger taken to extreme agree understand with me okay and so if we think about it what makes us angry like where does angry come where does anger come from so like Lily over the last two months sorry you know if I say something that's insensitive because now I'm sort of treating you in a different way but in the last two months have you been angry yeah where does that anger come from hate absolutely so this is the other thing to understand is that the birthplace of anger is hurt 99% of the time I don't know maybe 90% is out maybe 50% of time for the intensive purposes of this discussion it comes from hurt and that's been my experience that hurt is what leads to anger and I remember like reading like a school shooters manifesto and just thinking like the origin of this is heart right and and it's like I'm not you know I don't know exactly where I'm going with this but this is important to understand and so it's kind of sad but that like those people like even though they're hating you and you suffer for that and that's not cool and we'll get to that but at the end of the day like this this is all born of like their hurt and like because like if you think about it you know if you're successful and you're a reject and you went to Community College and you have depression they don't have a [ __ ] excuse because those are their excuses those that's what they live behind right like that's that's the armor of their life it's like they can look at me and it's like way harder to hate me because they look at me and they say oh dr. K is different he's smarter he works hard he has willpower went to Harvard they don't see us as being the same but the people who hate me are the ones that see themselves within me like they look at me and they see a part of themselves and that can be terrifying to deal with and that thought hurts so damn much because if you have excuses for life then it's okay but like the thought that you actually are in control that if you had worked harder or hadn't given up or expended more effort your life could be somewhere where it isn't that is immensely hurtful most devastating thing and then it leads to anger and it leads to hatred and since they are depressed and disabled and may not may have failed out of Community College they have a bunch of time on their hands and this is I feel protective of you so I'm being an [ __ ] to them which is not really good but I have nothing better to do than to write seven-page letters and mail them to you right so I think the main thing that we need to understand is like members of this community who receive hurt is that I mean I think we as best as we're able I'm not saying you should do this but as best as we're able to try to remember that this actually is coming from hurt that most anger comes from hurt and that if someone is like hates you that if there's some way in which you can help that person I think you should I think that's more my ballpark than your ballpark so I'm not trying to suggest that you should do that but that's a big part of why I street so I don't want to project that on you but questions about that okay so second thing about hatred is that Lily you're incredibly empathic like right like I think you and your just your heart is just full of love and it's an amazing beautiful thing and also sometimes sucks for you because I think all right like screaming being a public figure and caring so much about everything is so hard yeah and I wish I didn't carry so much yep I wish you but so you're an empathic sponge and your heart is just full of love and caring and you have to be careful so I think part of the reason that like the hatred bothers you is not because and this is why I was like early on I started asking like do you believe that about yourself I don't think this I don't think the hatred actually has anything to do with your lack of worth like your lack of sense of self-worth I think it's something completely different and the reason that you suffer for it is because you are just so your heart is just so full of love and you are so empathic that somehow subconsciously psycho socially spiritually I don't even know what this is we're getting into territory that I really do not understand and I'm just observing you are able to connect with that person and you feel not only their hatred but the hurt underneath and I think it's hard on you and I think that's because you love and because you care and because your heart is open that like things affect you in a in like a bigger way so like you know it's not your fault it's not I mean generally speaking I kind of think of it as good but even then it's not good or bad it's just you need to understand that you're being whether it's your you know whether you believe in souls or whatnot that's fine whether it's personality or neuroscience like your empathic circuitry your EQ something about the way that like your brain is wired you feel the feelings of others in a very deep and intense way and also the intensity of your own feelings is like greater so I would guess that you test very very low on like the sociopathy scale because your empathy is actually very high so like you're not you know I think it would be hard for you to take advantage of other people and things like that because yeah and and so that's just the way you are so you need to be careful about the way in which you care for yourself because you need to understand that like other people like you can't judge what you should do to take care of yourself based on what you see other people do and yeah so especially so I do I say this you're doing nonsense so I was confused about like what what offline TV is because my quads were like you should raid this person they're part of the offline TV crew and like I didn't understand literally what those words meant like I don't understand what part of the offline TV crew is like do you guys understand how that sentence doesn't like I don't even I just don't like my head does not know how to compute that so I was really confused and I try not to prepare for interviews which I think is good but then I googled offline TV and I saw what offline TV was uh and then I I watched some offline TVs and so I'm gonna be very explicit with you I I think you've got to be careful because you're different from some of your colleagues some of your colleagues are different in terms of their degree of empathy and also their degree of sociopathy so like their ability to withstand things and also to put themselves like to separate out the their feelings from their actions is like very different from yours and you need to take care of yourself in a different kind of way like you need so you need to think about yourself as a sponge and you absorb negativity very easily you hold on to negativity very easily you also absorb positivity very easily and you also let go of positivity very easily so you need to have a life where like your you know how to wring out the sponge if it's negative and then stick it into something that you like but you gotta wring it out and the reason you can't sleep is because you're not wringing it out you got to wring it out and then put yourself into something good this isn't distractions just like this is just how your being works so I'm different I test very highly on the sociopathy scale my sense of inherent empathy is very like was low and and so like I'm different from you so the things that work for me are not gonna work for you I don't know exactly what that means and I think we're gonna maybe have a more concrete conversation about how you can take care of yourself better because I think you do need to take care of yourself batter in by better I mean probably differently because you're trying to take care of yourself in the way that normal people take care of themselves but you're not a normal person you're just way too full of love and so you've got to take care of like I don't know what the ringing out is gonna be but it may be a particular meditation exercise I have one in mind which also is for insomnia but it's also just acknowledging that like you need to think about yourself as like a white cloth and a white cloth stains way faster but a white cloth you can also bleach so you're gonna have to be a little bit more rigorous about understanding what are the things that make you feel how do you let go of negative emotions and then how do you soak up positive emotions and the more that you're able to think about yourself in that way and like actively do that instead of just hope it happens the better off you're gonna feel on a day-to-day basis you're like a real-life like healer you're like a healer from an MMO yeah okay fine maybe maybe better questions about being an empathic sponge yeah so it and that's not that's not a bad thing right so we don't want you to change we just want you to at least in my mind I don't think you should change I don't think that's right I think what you should do is learn how to be yourself and learn how you work so that you can be like happy day-to-day and like understand what your body what your physical emotional and spiritual needs are and that those may be different from other people's okay I mean everyone's are different from other people's because we're all unique so we can think a little bit about that I think that's a potentially a longer conversation okay so the last thing is like you know it related to this is that you're just gonna have to sort of deal with that hate because when they send you the hate like you absorb it and and it doesn't feed your negative cognitive biases about yourself and that you're worthless it's just I think you just absorb it you're like you know and and that's tough so once again it comes to figuring out like how do you wring out that sponge how can you sort of sit with those feelings don't try to push them away don't try to cope with them I mean cope with them but like you know if you need to but but don't try to distract yourself just feel those feelings and then kind of think through okay like just recognize that wow this person like has a lot of anger and hatred and they're directing it towards me so I'm gonna feel it but then as best as you can let it wash through you okay and figure out what are the things that help emotions wash through you yeah is figuring that I was the hardest part yeah um that's what I'm saying I think I'm doing you in a sense of disservice because I'm I'm telling you to do something that I don't think that most people are trained to learn how to do so I'm giving you a goal I'm sort of saying like oh like you know come up with a grand unified theory of physics and you're like I don't know how to do that I'm like yeah I get that it's you know so that's why I say yeah so III think so I mean we could talk very concretely in a few minutes about like what the first phase of that is yeah so just just to remember that that paint is gonna come on to you but that you can let that go like that's possible you just need to process it and and also you know try as best as you can try to remember and like hopefully this will help that like the hates not coming I mean it's not really about you it's about them like what the [ __ ] like why why do they go through all this effort to try to hurt you in some way and now we come to the thing questions thoughts yeah can I go the bathroom yes sorry nope go for it you should I be talking right now I'm confused maybe I should talk I was I shall interact with scream for a few moments oh yes so psychiatrists test intend to test highly on the sociopathy scale it's part of what makes us govern our job what are you drink I'm drinking water tell people who I am oh oh right so there are a lot of new people here I feel I sometimes okay so my name is all okay noise I'm a psychiatrist thank you chat I need you guys I really need you guys okay so my name is all O'Connor I'm a psychiatrist I'm practicing in Boston Massachusetts in my day job I'm an addiction psychiatrist I guess very briefly just about my backstory so I played a ton of video games was addicted to video games in in growing up high school almost failed out of college had less than a 2.0 GPA was on academic probation ended up going to India to find myself etc loved it because I sort of discovered the Olga and meditation and I Reza decided to become a monk sort of trained in yoga and meditation I was still like coming back and forth between the US and India with the goal of becoming a monk so did that training for about seven years and then ended up becoming going to medical school and became a psychiatrist and a neuroscience research for a while and so now I tried to help people understand themselves a couple years ago I'm doing a quick intro Lily because people were suppose myself and so a couple years ago started like asking some of my like professors and stuff about video game addiction and realize like no one really knows anything about video game addiction because the leaders in the field of Psychiatry are in their 50s 60s or 70s just true of most of medicine like if you think about an expert in the field like if you think about you know people who get named to like fend chair and and things like that people who are CEOs and and things like people are older and so they've never played video games they don't understand what gaming is like so I started working with gamers about five years ago and then recently started streaming on Twitch because like you know gamers are not gonna wind up in my office so if I want to talk to people about their mind and mental health and how to understand it that twitch is the right thing to do and that seems to have worked out so far because people seem to enjoy this kind of thing so I enjoy it too and so that's who I am yeah so last thing yeah okay so this self deprecation this is important to understand okay I'm gonna I'm kind of spent so I'm gonna just do this quickly and maybe you need no no I I'm just I'm just I guess I don't mean to make you feel bad I just can't walk you to this in the way that I normally do okay and so sometimes I also find I'm afraid that this could sound hurtful or callous because usually I preface things pretty well okay so I think it's very good Lily that you understand that the self you sort of self deprecated your I mean I think sometimes you know self deprecation is really not has nothing to do with the way you feel about yourself it's just like the way that you're funny like it's your mode of humor but I think there is something very true that you said about you know if you unless if you put yourself down then others can't hurt you yeah right so you can you can protect yourself from hurt as long as you're the one who's like making fun of yourself like as then you're in control and and that sort of works it's a survival mechanism I'd be really curious if you would like bullied growing up because that's something that people learn how to do to protect themselves bullies and it's dangerous because you are willing to treat yourself badly because there's certainty and security in that like that's something you can deal with its territory that you know you're willing to beat up on yourself or not let yourself feel hopeful or successful because if you aren't successful Lily you can't be disappointing to anyone kyoool right so your fear when we talk to Lily to remember what is Lily to feel what's a primary feeling was the word used disappointment Oh dread of disappointment right so you have you have like this perfect armor against everything that Lily to dreads and that perfect armor is that you don't become successful because if you're never successful you can't be disappointed and if you can't be disappointed then Lily too has nothing to worry about because her fears will never come to pass and that is very protective and it is I think a bad way to live life and now we're gonna come to Albert because you've engaged in a relationship where you loved and you gave your entire heart and you got devastated and now you're hesitant to love again and it's the same thing because unless you let yourself become successful you can't be disappointed and there's a lot of security security and comfort in not letting yourself love again yeah and I think it's the wrong move it doesn't mean you have to do it now mm-hmm but that's just that's a value judgment that I'm placing I'm not saying that you should do that it's just I have a bias and I have a belief that living a life of security and comfort is not how you live a fulfilling life that a life of fulfillment comes out of facing uncertainty and embracing uncertainty and taking a chance and part of what devastates all of these people about you lily is that like you are doing the thing that they did not do which is that you took a chance and you faced up to like all of your demons and you started streaming and you did it inconsistently and you self-deprecating soft but you you walked the very uncertain road which is why I think you're amazing because you walk that road and you did it and it terrifies them because they look at you and they see the person that they could be and so at some point I hope you're willing to walk that road of uncertainty again when it comes to engaging in a relationship you know because I think that there is a lot of joy and fulfillment in that but it's dangerous in the prospect yes very scary and so not saying it has to be anytime soon mm-hmm but when I kind of think about someone who is as full of empathy and love as you are and who clearly resonates with people and helps them in a profound way and I think about you sort of living like at the age of 60 if you're kind of alone and I've never you know being in the same vocation that's kind of sad like that thought makes me sad and I think you deserve more and I'm not saying that you know Albert's a good guy or bad guy or anything I'm just saying like you as a human being I think people deserve to be loved and cherished and appreciated I hope for that maybe one thing commitments might scare you that yeah that's why I think that's healthy reasonably yeah okay other thoughts questions this was a really nice conversation I enjoyed it a lot too I really liked it thank you you're very welcome do people have questions for you are we doing questions I don't know hold on do you want to or you spent okay let me just um because we have some questions for you okay oh and also we need to t I need it we need to do meditation okay let's do meditation first and if people have questions for Lily then y'all can ask them so I'm gonna teach you a really simple meditation technique which I think will hopefully will help unclear but it's a meditation technique that I usually teach for people who have trouble sleeping do you meditate by the way no okay okay that's great we'll start fixing that problem today so so what I want you to it we were talking about you kind of being an emotional sponge so when you wake up in the morning Lily when you're not in a period of depression how do you usually feel I wake up I wouldn't bet eyebrows write it for like three hours not big eyes and does eyebrows write it um just think what I would have to do today [ __ ] have to do that well god damn it I didn't do that yesterday uh-huh how do you that when you first wake up really lazy okay okay yeah that may be because you're not getting enough sleep but okay so um you know I I don't know if this is actually true but but generally speaking I think about the mind is being relatively fresh in the morning and then if we think about insomnia what happens is like over the course of the day like it's easy to go to bed in the morning right uh-huh it's easy to fall asleep in the morning but it's hard to fall asleep at night so something changes between morning and night and we have to understand what that is that prevents you from sleeping at night because it's definitely not there in the morning so I think a lot of people don't appreciate that as they go through the day is you have thoughts like you're having that creates a little bit of anxiety a little bit of tension like oh I didn't do that it creates regret and those negative emotions the more that you think like oh I didn't do this and I did do this like even though you may feel like going back to sleep how does that affect your ability to sleep um not comfortable absolutely yes so when you try to go to bed at night what is it that keeps you awake I don't know I need you have thoughts I do I think a lot yep I just think a lot about what well first I need to get off reddit that could take like hours there's so many separate us out there it's crazy um and then I just think like a lot of what-ifs a lot okay a lot okay yeah okay so that's I'm thinking that maybe we need to teach you something else but I'm gonna continue teaching when I was playing teacher but that's just changed my sense of what what could be helpful to you but my sense is that you know when when we wake up in the morning it's relatively easy to go to sleep and as we go through the day we start to have thoughts and those thoughts have like little emotional impacts so we take like a little bit of emotional damage and usually that damage is there because the thought is not incomplete I mean if the thought is incomplete it's not like resolved so we think about something and it's like something that's left unresolved and it's kind of this little emotional weight that needs to be settled so if you're thinking oh I didn't do this yesterday then that's like a little bit of regret and a little bit of guilt and you're not quite at peace with that does that make sense in fact the thoughts of like guilt and regret are a sign of lack of peace you with me like you're not at peace about it which is why you regret it those are like tide so basically what happens is throughout the day we have little instances either thoughts or encounters with people we're like oh I say this and like let's say like at the end of tonight if I'm laying in bed and I say oh I should have said this to Lily I forgot to say this I was less compassionate than I could have been or this or that and so there are all things that happen throughout the day that sort of give us this like it's like we're absorbing a little bit of that stuff in our emotional sponge and then as we accumulate all that crap through the day then we go to bed and we just have this flood of like random thoughts about all kinds of stuff half of which is not good yeah right so that's like I'm like just in complete mental energy that we've accumulated through the day because our experiences are not complete or processed they're all like half done like I walked in the grocery store and there was this chick and she was checking me out I was like oh yeah like like there's that thought or I was walking down the street and there was this chick and she was looking at my hair because it was ridiculous oh my god I'm mortified that's oh there are all these incomplete little things that happen right so yeah I'm going to do meditations they trying to complete all of this sort of this meditation is is way easier than completing them because completing them is a lot of work it's actually unwinding so I want you to think about your mind in the morning is unwound and as you go through the day you kind of wind it up like it gets round right like you get like tense and you get energy and then at night you have like insomnia so this technique is relatively simple it's just you start at the end of your day so you start in the moment so you're laying in bed and then you go through your day in reverse order so you start with the most recent thing and then you go to the thing before and then you go to the thing before and you go to the thing before and you just think through the emotional impact or you acknowledge the emotional impact you don't have to process anything you just think like you just acknowledge the emotions that you felt and how you felt the moment before in the moment before and the moment before and the goal is to left leave yourself being unwound at the beginning of the morning when you were tired and sleepy and then if you get good at the technique so this is important to remember is that like meditation is a skill so you have to practice this technique for a period of about eight weeks five times a week for it to really have a significant change on your sleeping pattern that's what you should expect and so I'll give you just kind of an example right so like I was before I got into bed I brushed my teeth before I brush my teeth I changed my clothes and and I saw and as I was changing my clothes my wife yelled at me because instead of putting clothes in the hamper I put them on the floor actually clothes on the floor and I felt irritated with her and before that I was reading my kids a bedtime story and that felt actually really amazing because they're very cuddly but then one of them was like moving around too much and she wasn't sitting still so I felt frustrated with her I also felt like annoyed that my other kid couldn't hear a story because I was dealing with the wiggly one and before that I was eating dinner and I felt kind of frustrated because like I wanted to eat chicken wings but instead say comfy I'm sorry yeah so so I mean welcome didn't feel that way to me but I mean I recognize there parts of it better wholesome but but so to basically go through your day in reverse order and so like acknowledge the things that you felt so let's practice now and as you feel comfortable let's so close your eyes and and start in reverse order so what tell me about what you did today today yeah so we're gonna start now what you did and how it made you feel was wrong with this moment I talked to you felt cathartic actually helped me a lot um then I was looking for my glasses for about an hour it made me very frustrated cuz I think I still haven't found my glasses I'm wearing someone else's glasses or you know actually okay so good this is a mistake I'm just going off on a tangent yes very good so this is a problem so don't indulge in new lines of thought just acknowledge I felt frustrated that I could not find my glasses and then move to the thing before good hey frustrated could not find my glasses uh I drank a lot of water cuz I was sick felt better I had a cough drop because I was sick also felt better um I put some makeup on cuz ya felt better um wash my face changed woke up I guess that's my day okay so I want you to how long ago did you wake up around how many hours sorry I completely forgot one more thing um before that eyebrows right if for like an hour to me people okay I woke up at like 9:00 so now what we need to do is increase the resolution of like zoom in more right so like there are a lot of things so did you feel something before you came on stream I did I felt very anxious actually threatens oh so this technique doesn't work unless you catch that right because like the the feelings that you acknowledge are the things that you unwound but unless you acknowledge the anxiety that anxiety is gonna sit with you okay yeah so so in the span of like you know 30 to 60 seconds you went through your entire day we need to spend five minutes like so you want to go through each thing that happened okay okay so so yeah that's okay that's the point of the technique is this it's not supposed to be easy the point of the technique is so that it it trains you to acknowledge the various things that happen throughout the day so that you can unwind them a little bit and then they're weighing on you less okay so I think let's try this one more time and why don't you start with last night so pretend that you're in bed last night and try to go I'll stop you after like two or three minutes okay but like put yourself in the frame of mind of like what did you do like you were in bed last night and start there okay was in bed then I washed up then how did you feel when you washed up relieved oh yeah relieved I felt relieved when I washed up because I had a long day um uh then some people dropped me off home before that we watched a movie and the movie was entertaining it's funny I enjoyed it how was the car ride home uneventful it was just the car ID okay before that I was with my friend Michael we went to a premier event was exciting we streamed for hours and hours um most fun then before that car ride to the event uneventful again and before that got makeup hair stylist done but just also exciting machine gun as well um before that uh ordered food eight wasn't very hungry but it's late and then before that well browsed right it probably washed up a little browser edit I guess okay so great so I think you're doing a far better job at sort of incorporating different things throughout your day but something tells me that the majority of your emotion yesterday maybe this isn't right but that the did you have trouble sleeping last night I have trouble sleeping every night okay so I'm curious about the little the little anxieties fears dreads that you may have had throughout the day I did miss a lot actually I had a big problem with the streaming backpack it was super stressful I don't know I didn't see it Wow um yeah I was so stressed about that cuz I didn't know if we could stream or distressed mean um I was like anxious I get nervous and I was feeling like overwhelmed about the topic okay um at the event too I was really tired super physically exhausted super tired um okay good so lily I think this is this is good so you need to practice the technique sort I would say is that you know as as you now that you're kind of you can even do sort of the flipside of the technique which is as you're going through your day just take note of how you feel so that you can do the technique at night the other thing that you're not allowed to do so it's great that you acknowledge these things now if you're really doing the technique like a hard-ass you start over at the beginning and you include those with everything else okay don't do that yeah let's try it one more time okay so yesterday yes from the moment I woke up on the moment you went to sleep backwards is really hard yes it's harder than yeah okay so washed up felt good cuz I had a long day um I was closed okay um eat some food did not feel like it I wasn't hungry but I made myself II because I didn't eat much that day car ride home was uneventful relieved to go the event itself was fun but tiring um just really tiring but I kind of wanted to go home to uh then the car ride to the event was kind of stressful because we were trying to work out the stream there was some problem with the screen I remember it was super cool I was very cool and then bring a jacket I was a mistake and before that the hair makeup was fine but I was also still stressed because I wasn't sure if the screen was gonna be good that day and I didn't know if the backpack was gonna work on before I start to stream before the makeup we were trying to fix the backpack for a long time I was stressed because I didn't know what to do and I felt bad cuz I was relying on my goal to fix it and I couldn't help then ordered food Dallas oak I wasn't that hungry but just ate cuz I was nervous about that day oh I had an eyelash appointment that morning I forgot that was kind of okay I fell asleep during the most of it because you just lay there for two hours then I woke up oh I auditioned for something that morning too I was very tired so I was kind of nervous because I wasn't sure if my voice sounded good in the morning and I was sick too and then I woke up at 8:00 so what do you notice about the first run in the second run I forgot so many pings Wow so that's all crap that is swimming around in your unconscious it's just like I can't believe I forgot all of that yeah right so living a life like where you're where you're mindful of like moments and things like it's very hard it takes practice I think you're doing a fantastic job I'm amazed by how much progress you've made between like one run and so keep practicing yeah yeah closing your eyes this huh very good okay so let's see I think I think that's let me see if people have questions for you okay so Sheena's how do I get healing like this if I cannot afford the expense of a therapist or psychiatrist so that's why we're training coaches so I'm like training a dozen coaches who are gonna be working hopefully with people and our beta program is gonna be free at some point though we're gonna probably have to charge something because you know they can't continue to volunteer their time but and it's gonna be it's not it's not like it's not treatment so it's gonna be like cheap so maybe like 40 bucks an hour or something like that so okay okay so someone says you had mentioned with Kevin to not live in a world with hypotheticals I know Kevin is but after getting cheated on the first time I started living in a world of what if my next girlfriend cheats on me in my case my next girlfriend did how do you let go of the hypothetical if it was correct once what do you think Willie um how do you I don't even know I don't I wish I knew that now - yeah I still think what if my next boyfriend cheats on me or I'm scared of that still yeah so I think it's a great question right so I think that's the challenge is that each time you get hurt you can fear engaging in the relationship again and so that sort of makes sense like it can be hard every time every time that you know you get hurt it can be hard to shake that thing again and again and and I've talked about something called a some scar which is sort of like a ball of undigested emotion or trauma before and I think when I talk about Lilly - for example I'm talking about in Sanskrit Lilly - is something called a some scars so it's like this this sort of dormant set of emotions that rise up and change Lilly's thought patterns and behaviors and then they go dormant again and she's back to being normal Lilly so each time you get emotionally hurt and you don't process it the strength of the some scar grows so if we look at Lilly we see that Lilly has this persistent sense of self judgment in disappointment and falling short because that she didn't get told that she was disappointing once she got told she was disappointing again and again and again and again and each time she gets told she's disappointing that thing grows and what we see is like what we see today right which is this persistent negative self-critical kind of like it's like subtitles like you're living your normal life and these subtitle thoughts are just like popping up and you struggle because you're trying to like stop the subtitles and it's kind of okay because you're actually still living life but the subtitles are there it's really [ __ ] annoying so with the with the girlfriend I think you've got to understand that each time it happens it's gonna create some emotional weight and that you have to sort of learn how to like face uncertainty again and step out of your security and comfort zone which is a little bit of an unsatisfying answer the other thing that you've really got to be careful about is that a lot of times people get into similar relationship patterns and from psychiatry this is something we call the repetition compulsion that people tend to essentially like try to repeat the same they end up repeating the same thing over and over again because they're trying to like fix something and a good example of this is people who are in abusive relationships often times we'll get into abusive relationships again and they'll get into abusive relationship after abusive relationship after abusive relationship so the other thing that you can do and I know this is gonna sound kind of weird but you can look at like how you select the people that you end up dating because there's a chance that you you gravitate towards a certain kind of person who is more likely to be unfaithful and I know that sounds crazy and it sounds kind of like you know I'm not I'm not trying to blame you but at the same time we actually had an interesting early on when we started streaming we had a great conversation with someone who found that like Heath he gets into the same relationship patterns over and over again and a lot of people do experience that they get into the same relationship patterns like over and over again like why do I always date [ __ ] like Oh like there may be a reason for that you know so so I think one thing that you can do is just learn how to sort of emotionally process that hurt and then hopefully it'll be eat I mean it's gonna be harder but each time it happens it's understandably a harder to like have faith in another person and that's normal the second thing that you can do is really look at the ways in which your your kind of selecting people and is something going on in terms of the kind of person that you gravitate towards or things like that do you ignore signs that the relationship isn't going well there are a lot of other things that you can practice we do which I feel like it's kind of a mean answer but I mean it's true right like you you were right once and you were right again and that's bad that sucks okay can you do a day in the life video I guess that's for me or you I don't know what that's for you - what is that day in the life is like a video where you just show you view the day in the life of me I wake up I do this I do that you know make it interesting maybe draw it out you know anything maybe it's for me I don't know but yeah okay okay so let's people have questions about a psychiatrist psychosis is the experience for people with very high IQs similar as in are they mostly depressed and lonely no so one thing that is similar is that the the US Department of Defense did a study on their soldiers and found that soldiers who play video games have an IQ that's 10 to 20 percent higher than soldiers who don't play video games so I do actually genuinely believe that gamers are like general that being very intelligent is actually a risk factor for video game addiction and there's a very simple reason for that it's not like super complicated so I'll tell you guys so I was early on and when I started working with gamers I was talking to a very particular gamer and I asked him you know when did you like really like video games and like how did you get into them and the story they told me like blew my mind and has stuck with me ever since and they said that so I was in the second grade and I went to school and my teacher gave me a math worksheet and I knew how to do the math so I did the worksheet and then 10 minutes later I went and I handed in the worksheet and then I said can I have the next one and Lily what do you think the teacher said what happens when you turn in your worksheet in class what do you think no yeah that's exactly says she says this is the worksheet for the day we're gonna do another one tomorrow right that's how school works like you have a lesson plan for the day and if you're a smart kid and you finish it early then you get to sit and wait and read quietly by yourself and then he would go home and he would play a video game and Lily he would beat level one of the video game and then what happened next what happens after you beat level one absolutely absolutely right so like a video game is something that paces its challenge to your capabilities and and and school moves at the rate of the slowest kid and so I think that like very early on like people like smart kids gravitate towards video games because they actually get challenged in a game the way they can't in real life so I you know when I work like I was recently working with a kid and my solution to his video game addiction cuz he's a he's a big-time anyway he's he's a successful player in a particular game is to like hook him up with an internship at MIT so I called a buddy of mine who is has a start-up at MIT and was like hey can you like take this kid he's 15 they're like we have 600 applicants for interns and I was like yeah but this gets different he's special and the kid goes to to do the internship and now he's not playing many games anymore because he realizes oh there's actually like really cool challenging stuff in the world that I can engage in and and like when you do that it you know that's how you kind of get free from your addiction but I do think that that generally speaking I see a lot of correlation between intelligence and video game addiction although I don't necessarily think that intelligence leads to being depressed and lonely because you know I would say that for example so I guess I didn't mention this in my bio but I'm faculty at Harvard Medical School and I trained there and a lot of people they're smart but I don't think that their average experiences to be depressed and lonely I think gamers who are very intelligent oftentimes are depressed and lonely but that's because like games give them what real life can't and as they move away from real life and gravitate more towards games then they become depressed similarly sorry I don't think it's just the IQ it's like a combination of like the way that gaming influences your life just trying to see ok did you talk to her about Dharma I don't think so sort of so Padma is something I talked a lot about in stream and it's the Sun script word for duty or responsibility I sort of talked to her about it because I told her so but I didn't talk about it explicitly because I didn't think it was kind of just random I didn't think it was relevant I mentioned yeah so so what I did talk about Lilly is like why do you stream because I like it and it's a good job yeah so you like it and it's a good job yeah and what is it what do you like about streaming um I think it's a very unique job but um I take the word lucky now but I'm lucky to have and I don't want to waste it I don't wanna waste the opportunity yeah but what do you like about it I like talking with my chat like talking about feeling I like drawing blinking yeah do you think that your is there some part of you that feels like streaming is you're making the world a slightly better place Oh 60% me me it's hard it's hard it's hard you think that it is right so I don't think you're ready to accept that but I think earlier on you were there yeah and and so now her mental patterns have returned so like now she's back to sit but it's good that you can recognize that 60 playing no that's but that's the Dharma right so I think we talked about it but we just didn't call it what it was I mean I think you're genuinely connecting with a lot of people yeah they come back [Music] okay so I think those are all the questions that sort of relate to you I mean they're all kinds of questions about porn addiction and stuff but I don't think but yeah anyway thanks a lot Lilly no thank you this is really great I'm really happy I got to talk to you yeah I I really enjoyed talking to you and and you know if if you want to talk more practically if you ever want to talk again just you know let us know and then the second thing is Makai a little bit more in terms of guidance in terms of helping you understand how to wring out your sponge and how to absorb good stuff and like actually like you know give you something concrete that you can do but let's start with the meditation type of technique and let me know how that works for you and there's a decent chance that's gonna be very hard to do like cuz you just won't remember so I can problem solve around that too okay hey all right take care thank you thank you actually let me ask you real so do you guys think you guys like wait but did you all understand you guys can do that meditation technique - do you guys want a different one or are we good that's meditation what we told her - you should just do that okay Lily can I teach you one more meditation technique oh yeah sure sure yeah okay so sorry for almost hanging up okay but we're not done with you yet so I want you to we're gonna do mm-hmm let me think do you guys want to do something easier anxiety-provoking Lily if you have to go I can just teach this to stream directly don't worry I have a burger I want to be here mm-hmm anxiety-provoking okay so we're gonna do own chanting then so I'm gonna teach you how to chant okay and we're gonna do um chanting so ohm is composed of three syllables ah hoo and and this is gonna be weird okay okay so we're gonna chant so I'll demonstrate once [Laughter] [Music] it's hard for a couple of hours no anxiety spiking holy crap yeah right so this is the goal of the technique is that when all of you guys do it like the thought of doing it does what for you it makes me embarrassed and like I don't want to do it on stage yes exactly that's the point right so if we're gonna teach you how to deal to to make your anxiety melt away we have to make you anxious first right so it's gonna work well trust me trust me 2:46 p.m. iike do you need to go no I'm just making a joke okay okay so it's okay so yeah but chanting is and you guys should do this at home too okay chanting is not about sound it's about vibration so close your eyes deep breath in okay are you feeling vibration yeah I'm so nervous right now good that's fine that's that's completely fine don't worry about it so we're gonna do it again okay so deep breath in I'm gonna hit listen to you do it on your own kay so deep breath in eyes closed no more opening your eyes for the rest of the practice okay okay deep breath in begin ah sorry that's okay laughs embarrassment good good okay deep breath in good keep going one breath yeah full breath go you you okay good now do five rats and five rounds again yeah yeah can you hear me I said do five breaths so I want you to take five deep breaths I'm gonna demonstrate I'm gonna do it with you okay we're gonna do it together so [ __ ] we're gonna do five breaths so uh okay and focus on maximizing the sensation of vibration that you feel in your body where do you feel it in your body when you chant okay so maximize the sense of that vibration okay I make off because my throat is dry but we're gonna do five breaths chat we're gonna do it - okay do it with me Lily all I have to do yeah we're gonna do together so deep breath in [Music] again [Music] [Music] [Music] last one make it count [Music] where's the anxiety [Music] I don't really feel it I'm gonna go I don't know left it does I feel yeah you feel what uh comer like just calm like that was but let's let's be clear right that was [ __ ] weird that was weird but it it I guess I find the third fourth time only okay isn't that yes yeah right so longer breaths more vibration seven rounds on your own I don't twitch at - okay but that's the whole point is we want to make you you are super super anxious we've been talking about all kinds of stuff how Albert was unfaithful how feelings hatred venom and you have not hesitated comes to this I'm anxious and you just got through it you just got through it yeah that's amazing good job thank you alright take care alright thank you so much you're most welcome adios [Music]

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 1,564,673

Keywords: mental health, meditation, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, lilypichu, lilypichu vods, lilypichu and albert, lilypichu and albert break up, lily, albert, lilypichu twitch, lilypichu depression, twitch, livestreamer, streamer, harvard psychiatrist, offline tv

Id: GevxekO9Kyc

Length: 153min 54sec (9234 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 16 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Massive-Gas]

I enjoy watching Lily streaming every now and then but wow, does it break my heart seeing her sad. She is such a beautiful person! Hang on and get better soon!!!

[u/Yajirushi_]

https://youtu.be/k79WjteWjes?t=516 that sounds familiar