OH, OH, MY FRIENDS, MY FRIENDS
AND NEIGHBORS, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS SHOW
FROM FLORIDA, FIRST OF ALL, I'M GLAD YOU'VE GOT ELECTRICITY,
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON AT 3:05, HURRICANE IAN MADE LANDFALL AS A
AN EXTEMELY POWERFUL CATEGORY 4, WITH SUSTAINED WINDS OF 150 MPH,
AND A POSSIBLE STORM SURGE OF 18 FEET.
WE'RE PRAYING FOR EVERYONE IN THE PATH OF THIS STORM, AND
EVERYBODY NORTH-- GEORGIA, SOUTH CAROLINA-- BATTEN DOWN, Y'ALL.
IT'S COMING. STAY SAFE.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A PIECE OF VIRAL FOOTAGE.
THIS IS REPORTEDLY FORT MYERS. IT'S A SHARK SWIMMING IN A
FLOODED CITY STREET. THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE...
IN THAT MY RESEARCHERS TELL ME THAT IT IS PROBABLY NOT REAL
FOOTAGE. SOMEONE PUT THAT ONLINE,
BUT I DECIDED TO SHOW YOU, BECAUSE IT'S A SHARK IN A
STREET. YOU CAN'T PASS THAT UP.
IN OTHER FLORIDA DISASTER NEWS FORMER PRESIDENT
THE GREAT GRABSBY. WE'RE GETTING MORE DETAILS FROM
THE NEW BOOK "CONFIDENCE MAN," BY MAGGIE HABERMAN.
MAGGIE BE OUR GUEST NEXT TUESDAY, AND I'LL BE ASKING HER
ABOUT ALL THE PRETTY UPSETTING STUFF SHE LEARNED ABOUT THE
EX-PRESIDENT, LIKE HOW ONCE AT A DINNER IN 2017, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT SAW STAFFERS OF COLOR AT THE WHITE HOUSE AND ASSUMED
APPARENTLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS HAVING DINNER WITH CHUCK
SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI, HEN HE TURNED TO THEIR NON-WHITE
STAFFERS AND SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GET THE FOOD?"
AGAIN, PRETTY TERRIBLE. BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT'S WHAT HE
SAYS IN EVERY SITUATION. <i> ( AS GENERAL )</i>
LONG-RANGE MISSILE TEST. WHAT ARE YOUR ORDERS?
UH-HUH. YES, SIR.
YES SIR. OKAY, TWO 10-PIECE FAMILY
BUCKETS, AND TELL THEM TO FILL THE GRAVY TO THE TOP THIS TIME."
YES, SIR, YES, SIR." NOT SURPRISINGLY, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT ALSO SAID BAD THINGS ABOUT WOMEN.
HE REPORTEDLY REFERRED TO GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL AS
"THAT B." WOW, HE KNEW THE GERMAN WORD FOR
CHANCELLOR IS "BUNDES-KANSSLERIN?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: THIS WHOLE TIME I
THOUGHT HE WAS AN IGNORANT LITTLE BITCH.
AS BAD AS HE WAS TO THE PEOPLE HE WORKED WITH, HE WAS EVEN
WORSE TO HIS FAMILY, BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE BOOK,
THE EX-PRESIDENT NEARLY FIRED JARED AND IVANKA VIA TWEET.
THAT WOULD BE AN AWFUL WAY TO FIND OUT THEY'D LOST THEIR JOBS
AS... HANDBAG BLONDEFACE?
HAUNTED SCARECROW? HIS-AND-HERS TOWEL RACKS?
I DENT KNOW WHAT THEY DID. APPARENTLY, HE BROUGHT UP THE
PROSPECT OF FIRING THEM WITH THEN-CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN KELLY,
WHO TOLD HIM THAT BEFORE TWEETING THE NEWS, HE HAD TO
SPEAK TO JARED AND IVANKA DIRECTLY FIRST.
YES, PEOPLE SHOULDN'T LEARN LIFE-CHANGING NEWS FROM A TWEET.
I MEAN, YOU'D HATE TO SEE THIS IN YOUR DOCTOR'S FEED:
@ CHRISTOPHER SMITH, GOT UR RESULTS.
LET'S SAY: LEASE, DON'T BUY. #YOLO.<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> IT'S A LITTLE DARK.
>> Louis: A LITTLE BIT. >> Stephen: IN THE END, THE
EX-PRESIDENT DID WHAT HE'D DONE HIS WHOLE LIFE: HE AVOIDED HIS
CHILDREN. HE NEVER FIRED THEM, AND AS WE
ALL KNOW, JARED WENT ON TO ACHIEVE MIDDLE EAST PEACE.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> BECAUSE OF THE EX-PRESIDENT'S
TENDENCY TO REPEAT WHATEVER HE HAD JUST HEARD, HIS AIDES
STARTED CALLING HIM "A SOPHISTICATED PARROT."
C'MON, GUYS. HE'S MUCH MORE OF A HORNY
COCKATOO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THAT'S A REALLY FLATTERING DESCRIPTION.
THAT IS A VERY FLATTERING DESCRIPTION.
HE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. ELSEWHERE IN HER BOOK, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT RIPPED INTO FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS,
CALLING HIM "FAT," "PHONY," AND "WHINY," ADDING, "PLUS, DeSANTIS
ALWAYS PROJECTS HIS INSECURITIES ONTO OTHER PEOPLE!
AND HIS BUTT LOOKS SO HUGE IN THOSE TENNIS SHORTS!"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> PRESIDENT CONSIDERED BOMBING
DRUG LABS IN MEXICO. THANKFULLY, AT THE LAST MINUTE,
DON JR. TALKED HIM OUT OF IT. AND THEN JUST TALKED AND
TALKED AND TALKED. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> IT, DAD.
DON'T DO IT, DAD." THE GUY WHO ALMOST GOT HIM TO DO
THE BOMBING WAS SOME PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIAL WHO CAME INTO
THE OVAL OFFICE WEARING A DRESS UNIFORM.
THE RESPONSE FROM WHITE HOUSE AIDES WAS NOT TO TRY TO CHANGE
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S VIEW ABOUT BOMBING MEXICO, BUT TO
CONSIDER ASKING THAT HEALTH OFFICIAL NOT TO WEAR HIS
UNIFORM TO THE OVAL OFFICE ANYMORE, BECAUSE THE FORMER
PRESIDENT IS SO EASILY INFLUENCED BY ANYONE IN UNIFORM.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT HIS CABINET:
DIRECTOR OF HOMELAND SECURITY, HEAD OF INFRASTRUCTURE,
SECRETARY OF THE NAVY, SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR,
DIRECTOR OF THE BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.
AND, OF COURSE, SECRETARY OF LEATHER BOYS.<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> YOU ARE AN EASILY MANIPULATED
MOB. THANK YOU!
THE EX-PRESIDENT WAS ALSO PRETTY UPSET ABOUT THE WHOLE COVID
THING... KIND OF.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE PLAYED DOWN THE VIRUS IN EARLY 2020,
HE CAST HIMSELF AS THE VICTIM, SAYING, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS
HAPPENED TO ME?" FIRST OF ALL,WE STILL CAN'T
BELIEVE YOU HAPPENED TO US! <i> LAUGHTER )</i>
GOTTA SAY, HIS COURAGE IN THE <i> LAUGHTER )</i>
GOTTA SAY, HIS COURAGE IN THE FACE OF CRISIS REMINDS ME OF
F.D.R.'S FAMOUS ADDRESS AFTER PEARL HARBOR:
>> DECEMBER 7, 1941: A DATE THAT I CAN'T BELIEVE HAPPENED TO ME!
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO THE MOVIES THAT DAY!
I HAD TICKETS TO SEE "DUMBO!" NO FAIR, JAPAN!
>> Stephen: OH, HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT MIGHT
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE. FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE
GREAT RECESSION, THE SUPERRICH DID NOT GET RICHER THIS YEAR.<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> I WILL TOAST TO THAT.
ALEXA, ORDER CHAMPAGNE FROM AMAZON!
TAKE THAT, BEZOS. ONE BILLIONAIRE HIT ESPECIALLY
HARD IS META C.E.O. AND FIRST FACE YOU SEE WHEN YOU COME TO AT
THE BOTTOM OF A WELL, MARK ZUCKERBERG.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> IS THAT IT?
HE'S DOWN THERE WITH YOU IN THE WELL?
IS HE A MOLE MAN, IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
OR IS HE AT THE TOP LOOKING DOWN AT YOU SAYING, "PUT THE LOTION
ON YOUR BODY." IN 2021, ZUCKERBERG WAS NUMBER
THREE ON THE "FORBES 400," BUT THIS YEAR, HE FELL OUT OF THE
TOP 10 FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2014.
THAT MUST BE TOUGH. BUT YOU'D NEVER KNOW HE'S UPSET.
OR HAPPY. OR HUNGRY.
HE IS A ROBOT. THINGS ARE EVEN WORSE FOR OTHER
BILLIONAIRES, LIKE TECH ENTREPRENEURS AND TWINS WHO EACH
SECRETLY THINK THE OTHER IS THE SPARE ORGAN FARM, CAMERON AND
TYLER WINKLEVOSS. UNLIKE ZUCK, WHO MERELY DROPPED
A COUPLE SPOTS IN THE RANKINGS, THIS YEAR, THE WINKLEVOSSESES
FELL OFF THE LIST ALTOGETHER. BUT DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HAVING
TO WORRY ABOUT JOBS. THEY CAN ALWAYS FALL BACK ON
THEIR BAND. <i> ( TO TUNE OF "DON'T STOP</i>
♪ SOME'LL WIN, SOME WILL LOSE, SOME ARE BORN TO SING THE BLUES
>> Stephen: AND SOME WERE BORN NOT TO SING AT ALL.<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> SPEAKING OF--
SPEAKING OF SINGERS, CONCERT-GOERS IN D.C. GOT A RARE
TREAT LAST NIGHT WHEN LIZZO PLAYED A VERY SPECIAL FLUTE.
AS SHE EXPLAINS: >> THIS WAS FROM THE EARLY
1800s, AND THIS WAS A GIFT TO JAMES MADISON FROM A FRENCH
CRYSTAL FLUTE DESIGNER TO CELEBRATE HIS SECOND TERM.
THERE WAS A FIRE WHEN HE WAS AWAY, AND THE ONLY TWO THINGS
THAT WERE SAVED WERE A PORTRAIT OF GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THIS
CRYSTAL FLUTE RIGHT HERE. >> Stephen: NOW, THE HOUSE HE
WAS AWAY FROM, BY THE WAY, IS THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THE FIRE
SHE'S DESCRIBING IS THE BRITISH BURNING IT DOWN DURING THE WAR
OF 1812. ANYWAY, GO AHEAD, THE FLUTE?
♪ ♪ ♪ <i> ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING )</i> >> BITCH, I JUST TWERKED AND
PLAYED JAMES MADISON'S FLTE FROM THE 1800s!<i>
( APPLAUSE ).</i> YEAH!
THAT'S FANTASTIC. AND I THINK IT'S WHAT JAMES
MADISON WOULD'VE WANTED. THAT'S WHY HE WROTE IN THE BILL
OF RIGHTS, "YOU'RE 100% THAT BITCH!"
THIS WAS SO COOL. AND LIZZO REALLY PUT IT INTO
CONTEXT: >> WE JUST MADE HISTORY TONIGHT <i>
( CHEERING )</i> CONGRESS FOR PRESERVING OUR
HISTORY AND MAKING HISTORY FREAKING COOL.
HISTORY IS FREAKING COOL, YOU GUYS.
>> Stephen: WOW. WHAT AN INCREDIBLE GIFT TO EVERY
DORKY SOCIAL STUDIES TEACHER IN AMERICA:
"WELL, KIDS, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS HISTORY IS
FREAKING COOL. I KNOW A CERTAIN LADY WHO
AGREES. HER NAME IS LIE-ZO.
NOW IT'S-- ABOUT DANG TIME
TO TURN YOUR TEXTBOOKS TO PAGE 92, 'THE BATTLE OF
TICONDEROGA.'" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! LATER I'LL BE TALKING TO STAR OF
THE MOVIE, "SMILE," BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MR. ANDERSON COOPER.
