Substitute Teacher - SNL

>>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN. THIS CLASS DONE ALREADY RAN OFF ANOTHER TEACHER! SO WE GOT YOU A SUBSTITUTE TODAY. ALSO, WHAT IS THAT SMELL IN HERE? YOUR CHANGING BODIES ARE PUMPING OUT SO MUCH SWEAT, NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO COVER IT UP WITH AXE BODY SPRAY. IT'S NOT WORKING! YOU FAKING LITTLE HOT POCKET! ANYWAY, YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER IS HERE SO SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THIS DUDE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT UP, FAM? MY NAME IS DALE SWEEZE. YOU CAN CALL ME DALE. YOU CAN CALL ME SWEEZE. LET'S TAKE THE "MISTER" OUT OF THE PICTURE. >> OH, MAN, NOT THIS GUY. >> HEY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, MI HOMBRE. YOU LIKE HIP-HOP? YOU LIKE DOPE BEATS? WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT THE GREATEST RAPPER OF ALL-TIME ISN'T TUPAC. ISN'T BIGGIE. IT'S ACTUALLY -- >> SHAKESPEARE? >> IT'S ACTUALLY -- SHAKESPEARE. >> YEAH, DUDE, WE KNOW. YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST WELL-MEANING THUG TO TRY AND REACH US THROUGH HIP-HOP. >> LET ME GUESS. YOU WERE ABOUT TO OPEN YOUR LAPTOP AND PERFORM A RAP VERSION OF HAMLET'S "TO BE OR NOT TO BE." >> NO! >> "TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS THE QUESTION." >> NO. I WASN'T GOING TO DO THAT. >> OH, WOW. YOU ALREADY RECORDED IT, VERY SAD. >> THIS IS ACTUALLY NOT INSPIRING BECAUSE I CAME IN HERE THINKING I WAS THE TEACHER BUT MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BE THE ONES THAT -- >> TEACH YOU? >> DAMN. >> WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS SO MANY TIMES, MAN. THERE WAS THAT DIVORCE LADY WHO USED HIP-HOP TO TEACH US POETRY. >> YEAH SXSHLGTS AND THAT WHITE BALLET DANCER FROM LAST WEEK. >> FIRST WE TAUGHT HER HIP-HOP, THEN SHE TAUGHT US BALLET. BUT FOR SOME REASON SHE COULD ONLY TEACH US BALLET THROUGH HIP-HOP. >> NOW I WOULD LOVE JUST LIKE A QUIET MATH CLASS. >> WELL, LET ME TELL YOU MY STORY. IT JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU. >> NOT LIKELY. >> I WENT OUT TO HOLLYWOOD, DID THE WHOLE ACTORS THING. I WAS OUT THERE FOR OVER SEVEN WEEKS. YOU KNOW HOW MANY PARTS I GOT? ZERO. KNOW HOW MANY AUDITIONS I WENT ON? OVER FOUR. [ LAUGHTER ] ONE DAY I SAID TO MYSELF, WAIT A MINUTE, DALE, WHAT IF THE GREATEST PART IN THE GREATEST MOVIE IS DALE SWEESE IN REAL LIFE? >> COOL, MAN, BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED TALKING I WROTE DOWN "WENT TO HOLLYWOOD. FAILED HARD." [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHOA, MY MAN. YOU JUST PUT THE SYSTEM ON TRIAL. AND SO AM I. WE'RE GOING TO WATCH A MOVIE TODAY. NOT A MOVIE FOR THEM, A MOVIE FOR YOU. >> THEM? WHO IS THEM? AND PLEASE BE SPECIFIC. >> A LITTLE MOVIE CALLED "STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON." >> WE'VE WATCHED THAT SIX TIMES, IN I KNOW IT BY HEART. >> LET'S START OVER. SEEMS LIKE YOU B-BOYS AND HOMEGIRLS GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT, RIGHT? WHAT ABOUT YOU SLUGGER? YOU'VE BEEN PRETTY QUIET OVER THERE. MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW YOU CAN'T READ? >> YOU THINK SHE CAN'T READ? THIS IS AN AP ENGLISH CLASS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> I'M QUIET BECAUSE I'M STUNNED AND EMBARRASSED FOR YOU. >> OH! >> WHOA! >> WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? ARE YOU TRYING TO TOUCH THE STUDENTS? >> I'M TRYING TO TOUCH ALL THESE STUDENTS! [ LAUGHTER ] >> MAN, GET OUT OF HERE. >> I WILL GET OUT AND I'M TAKING MY CLASS WITH ME. FOLLOW ME, SCHOLARS, TO THE FIELDS! QUESTION EVERYTHING! >> YEAH. THAT'S A HARD PASS. >> AND IT STILL SMELLS IN HERE, YOU CLAMMY LITTLE BOOGERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Channel: Saturday Night Live

Views: 12,580,506

Keywords: SNL, Saturday Night Live, Season 42, Episode 1706, Substitute Teacher, Lin-Manuel Miranda, leslie jones, kenan thompson, mikey day, axe, sasheer zamata, pete davidson, melissa villasenor, what up, dale, hip hop, beats, dope, tupac, biggy, Shakespeare, sad, mad, inspriring, divorce, poetry, ballet, hollywood, actor, movie, fail, straight outta compton

Id: YBQ5YILNGXE

Length: 4min 16sec (256 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 18 2017