[Mark]: Hello, everybody! My name is Markiplier, and welcome back to Job Simulator. We're gonna go with the store clerk.
[Job Bot]: Are you a fan of slushies and hot dogs? [Job Bot]: You'll love the convenience store! [Mark]: Yay! I don't know how to do that, but Wade used to work at a UDF in Cincinnati, and if you don't know what a UDF is, it's basically like a dairy store. Hello! Hi. Ooh, why do I want to put... Hello? [Job Bot]: Welcome to an accurate simulation of [Job Bot]: CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK. [Mark]: Uh, okay? [Job Bot]: Take a look at this board for instructions, and grab a ticket when you're ready to get started. [Mark]: God dammit, why is everything on a ticket-based system? You know, people could just walk up and ask me, and then I would... like, begrudgingly help them. And the only thing related to this that I did was working at *ding* Kroger's, in the non-food stocking section! I was a non-food stocking clerk! And that basically meant I just stood at the jewelry and perfume counter and... stocked the adult diapers! That's what I did! Boopity-boopity-boop, bing-bIng! Okay, hello. There's no one here, though. [Job Bot]: You can start by cleaning off your counter! [Mark]:Ehhowiuaaguuuguueuaughuhguaugauauh What do I do?! Get out of here! I don't know if I'm supposed to do this! Ah, these seem like important things. Okay. Oh, probably in the trash. Now that would have been-- yeah, that would have been smart. [Job Bot]: Turn on the security camera so you can keep an eye on the store. [Mark]: Boink! Okay. Ooh... Wait, where am I?! Oh God! I'm not real! I'm fake! Oh, my life is a lie! [Job Bot]: All righty. Let's get to business! Here's your first customer. [Mark]: Hello! Don't steal anything. I'm watching you! Everyone's a criminal until proven otherwise! [Lady Bot]: Good afternoon, human. I would like to purchase these... [Lady Bot]: CHIPS. [in-game crunching noise]
[Mark]: Oh! [More in-game crunching] [In-game crunching continues]
[Mark]: Wow! [laughs] I found an exploit! UAG UAG
Ok. Boop! Yay! It's all the joy of doing this. Here you go! Ooh, shit. Here you go! That'll be-- [Lady Bot]: Can I also get one of those meat cylinders, please? [Mark]: Where do I, excuse me?! [Job Bot]: Hotdogs are in the freezer.
[Mark]: Oh.
[Job Bot]: Make sure you heat them up, at least a little bit. [Mark]: Okay! All right, here we go. Oh, God! Ugh! There you go! I don't wanna heat it-- Whoop, never mind then. She was pissed about that. Bloink! Oh, okay! Here we go. I get these on the rollers there. If I know anything about convenience stores, because I used to eat a lot of this type of food back in Cincinnati, when I was UNbelieeeevably poor! Like-- [Lady Bot]: Mmm, that looks... ACCEPTABLE. [Lady Bot]: Hurry up and scan that, so I can get eating already. [Mark]: Uh, I don't know how this is gonna work, Madame, but I'm just gonna put faith in the system! HEAPA!
Oh, wow, it worked! Boink! [Lady Bot]: You can just hand that hot dog to me, human. Thanks a bunch! [Mark]: You're welcome. I'll take money now! [Job Bot]: To finalize a sale, pull the lever on the register. [Mark]: Kerchunkles! [Lady Bot]: All righty! Here's your paper currency.
[Mark]: Oh, you had a-- Oh. Wha--uh-- Gah. Okay! You're dumb! We're doing it! We're cooperating! [Mark quietly cries to self] There you go. [Lady Bot]: Many thanks! Have a PROFITABLE day! [Mark]: Hey! Profit! Okay. Did I do good, boss? Did I do good? I don't know what I'm doing. [Job Bot]: It was important for stores like this to maintain a constant stream of customers, so the cashiers wouldn't have time to contemplate their rapidly approaching obsolescence. [Mark]: Okay, then. That's a little unnecessary. Boink! Boink. Boink! Boink. [Classy Bot]: Will you kind-- Ah, yes, much better! [Mark]: Haha, give me money! Now! [Classy Bot]: I'll take one of those frozen slushy delights! [Mark]: Wh--sh-- Fuck you. Okay. Frozen slushy delights. I like to mix n' match! I don't know about you guys at home, but it's my baby. [Classy Bot]: Would you be able to jumbo-size that? [Mark, mockingly]: How do I jumbo-size this? How do I do that? Here you go! Boink! Have a good day! Oh, I can maximi-- Ohh! Oh, my God! Oh! Whoa!!!!! [Classy Bot]: I love the taste of sugar!
[Mark]: [miming gulping down the drink] Okay, I'm gonna need to get you some more, because-- Battery acid blue! Thermal paste pink! I actually imagine that I would enjoy battery acid blue, because I love all types of blue drinks. [Classy Bot]: You are very good at scanning! Now, would you pass that to me? [Mark]: You got it, buddy! I didn't know if I-- [Classy Bot]: And here's some bank notes for you!
[Mark]: Okay. [Classy Bot]: Keep the change, good human! [Mark]: Keep the change? What? Fuck off! I don't need your charity! What do you want?!
[Elderly Bot]: I'll take a paper copy of yesterday's news. [Mark, in a faux posh accent]: Uh, okay! Well, then. If you want yesterday's news, we've got a lot of that. No one read it then; no one reads it now. Anything else? [Elderly Bot]: I'll take my daily lottery ticket, as well. [Mark, loudly]: Oh, lottery tickets, eh? Well, I've got just the thing for you. Oh! If I could only get it... Is this made by the same people that made "aaaAAH the falling game"? [Elderly Bot]: Oh, dear, I'm feeling a little faint today, dearie. [Mark]: (Unintelligible mocking noises)
[Elderly Bot]: Do you think you could scratch that lottery ticket for me? [Mark]: Oh, you got it!
[Elderly Bot]: You can use my quarter. [Mark]: What if I win it? [soft groan] [Still poor Bot]: Oh. I guess I won't be getting those upgrades today. [Mark]: No, you won't, so shut up about your sad life! I'm a store clerk! [Elderly Bot]: Let me just write you a check for those.
[Mark]: Oh, God. [Elderly Bot]: There we are. [Mark]: [groan of frustration] Oh, I guess it works. Oh, all right, then. [Elderly Bot]: Oh, what a kind young human you are. Have a lovely day! [Mark]: Ah, go fuck yourself. I don't care. Eat a diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick! [Business Bot]: So I'm, like, "Yeah, brah, it's a buyers' market." They're looking at me like I'm crazy. You know. And what.. what are you talki-- no, No! I'm talking to you, no. You! Yeah, you! You got that hot dog all ready? [Mark]: Uh, sure? [Business Bot won't shut the fricking heck up] [Business Bot]: I want some gum. No, not you. The human. I want to buy some gum already! [Mark]: Okay. [Business Bot]: What is this, your first job? [Mark]: Yes! It is! I've never worked before! Humans don't work! [Business Bot]: No, not you. The other...uh... Forget it. [Mark, annoyed]: Okay, I guess you're done now! Go away, please! Boopity-boopity-boopity boop! [Business Bot]: Am I right? Yeah. No, you! No... I'm talkin' to you, bro! [Mark]: Who? Me? I... The money didn't go through! [Job Bot]: No matter how irritating the customer, humans will require to smile and be polite. [Mark]: You don't know how humans work if you think that's how the real world was! You think we HAVE to?! Oh, you sweet summer child! [Mark]
Aww! It's so cute. Look! It's you! [Mom Bot]: Put that nice healthy banana up there for the human. [Mark, imitating Mom Bot]: Oh, a nice healthy banana! I've seen healthier things. You don't even know about healthy! [Mom Bot]: Stay here for a minute, dearie. Mommy needs to use the little bots' room. [Mark]: You're not a "little bot." Shut up. [Child Bot]: Sugar. SUGAR. SUGAR! Gimme sugar! [Mark]: Okay, there you go. [Child Bot]: Yummy! More! More! [Mark]: I--I only have so much sugar... Ooh! I know just the thing for distracting annoying little girls. It's gonna be SUUUUUUPER-SIZED! SUUUUUUUPER...SIZED. Boink. There you go. Man, that technology, huh? Boink! [Child Bot]: Yummy! More! [Mark]: More?! You greedy little girl! What more do you want? Here's a Twinkie that's probably a thousand years old. Have fuuuun...with your diabetes... Ketchup, too. [Mom Bot]: All right, then. Sorry about the wait. Have you rung up our order! [Mark]: Oh, yeah. It's amazingly expensive, surprisingly.(1.000.000) [Mom Bot] : Dearie, can you hand the human the money? [Mark]: Give me the money!
[Child Bot]: Whoa, money? Okay, here. [laughing] [Mom Bot]: What did you do to my darling?! Come back here! [Mark]: Well, I didn't do anything! what are you accusing me of?! And why is she in charge of your money? What kind of adult parent are you? [Job Bot]: Just do whatever the customer - or their children - wants. And make sure you always grab that money. [Mark]: I got the money. Don't worry about that, Job Bot. Do you robots even care about money? [Energy Bot]: Yo! This place is lookin' sick!
[Mark]: YEA, BRO! [Energy Bot]: You know what it needs? More "Maximum Energy" branding.
[Mark]: [UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG [energetically angry] I completely agree, bro! You know what's gonna crank this up, bro?! [normally] Sorry, I needed to tone down the energy just a little bit. Okay. [repeated scanning beeping]: Okay, that one's good. And then this, too? Okay, got it! Wait. Uh, wait.
There we go! You're all good, buddy! Ring that up... What else do you-- What the hell is this? Stacking? What? What is this? What is that?! I don't know what that is! [Energy Bot]: Yeah, that's the one! Let's max this thing out! [Mark]: Wait, what are you talking about? [Energy Bot]: I have to go to the bathroom, so I'm counting on you to really push the envelope on this thing. [Mark]: Bigger!
[Energy Bot]: If you're all done, just hit that button, and let's lock this thing in! [Mark]: Okay! What?! What'd I do?! [Energy Bot, furtively]: Psst. Hey. Human. Over here! Uh... I need something for, uh...cleaning? [Mark]: There you go. Have fun! I know what you got!
[Energy Bot]: I guess I can make this work? I'll be out in a second. [Mark]: Wait, how do you understand the concept of us wiping our own asses, and yet you can't understand the concept of what's going on in basic human instinct? [Energy Bot]: All right, much better. Now let's see this display, human! All right, lookin' good!
[Mark]: Uh... [Energy Bot] And now, we're on brand, baby! Boom! Haha. Peace out, human. [Mark]: Okay, peace out, bruh. Have a good one. You didn't pay for it, Even though I didn't... I was told to always grab the money! That was like, number one lesson, boss!
Hello, how are you doing? [Athletic Bot]: Oh-ho, I just got back from jogging and... Oh, man, do you have something to replenish my electrolytes? [Mark]: I sure do! I don't know what the hell this is, but it... It's Electric Blue Goo! I love Electric Blue Goo! It's got what plants crave! Oh, shit. Well, you know what? No one ever liked Electric Blue Goo. People do like Mountain Scream! It's got what plants crave! (Again) ...Shit. Well, I may have fucked that one up. Okay. I always like Sweet Generic Off Brand Cola! It's got what plants crave! (...again) Ah, shit! You didn't want any of this!
Where am I supposed to get that?! Oh, in here. Why do I have it in here?
[Mark babbles softly to himself] How about you get extra big jumbo one?
[Athletic Bot]: Oh! This, uh... This Maximum Energy stuff? Uh, looks new! Right? Uh.... It looks like you have to shake it? Can you shake it? [Mark, in disbelief]: I did shake it! I already shaked it! I shooked it! Gimme your money! Stop talkin' about me how to do my job! [nice English, Mark] Take it! Take it! Thank you. [annoyedly]: Now leave.
[Energetic Bot]: You got your money now! Gimme the drink! [Energy Bot gulps the drink] Oh! Whoa! I feel energized! [chuckling] So energized! [Mark]: You can't even fool me! You didn't even take one drink! You didn't even open-- Uh-oh. [Bot blasts off like the little einsteins] [Mark, relieved]: Oh! I thought he was gonna explode! I mean, in a way if that was the stuff blasting out of his anus... ...then he probably exploded to some degree. [Job Bot]: Back before the universal credit system, some humans had more money than they knew what to do with and struggled to find ways to spend it. [Mark]: I don't think that's true...
[Grandpa Bot]: Hello! Human! [Mark]: Hi.
[Grandpa Bot]: Looks like I got some money to blow. What's good here? Get me...stuff. Whatever's good. [Mark]: How 'bout some of that? How 'bout a little bit of this? This? This? (he's soooo gonna get diabetes) This? I should probably scan these, shouldn't I? Give me that back.
[Grandpa Bot]: Oh, yes, now, that's cool. How about a couple more things?
[Mark]: Okay, you got it. I'm in it! I'm with it! I'm gonna give you everything you ever wanted! You're gonna be delighted at all the burritos 'n shit 'n all the grandeur and all the cool jazz and whatever the hell this is. Dapple Spracks?! It's got what plants crave!( AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!) I didn't even scan it! That one's a freebie. All right, goodbye.
[Grandpa Bot]: All right! Here's a bunch of money. Keep the change! [Mark]: I don't want the change!
[Job Bot]: Nothing like a little retail therapy! Make sure you grab their money!
[Mark, grumbling to himself]: Ah, dammit. What is this? [yelling] I want in!
Ooh. Ah! What's in here? Ooh! I got all the cheese! I get it! You're so FUNNY! [yelling] Pants are falling down!
[grumbling] Usually don't even wear pants. [Corporate Bot]: I need you to reload the stuff on the shelves. Well, there you go. You know the drill. Gum on the gum rack, magazines on the magazine rack, put stuff where it goes. Get it sorted. [Mark]: Wait, what? I don't even-- "Unplugged Entertainment." Is that a porn mag? Ah, it's not sexy at all!
[disappointed grunts as he throws gum at the gum rack] Eh.. Ehhh I don't know where this goes! What is this, hot sauce?
[gargling noises] Okay. What do I do with it now? Supersize it? How do I-- I don't know where-- Oh, in the cu-- Oh! Oh, that's handy! [Corporate Bot, flatly]: Wow. There you go. Taking the box now. See you later. [Mark]: Okay, bye! Have a good one, whoever you are! You didn't even tell me that you worked here! I'm assuming you just gave me stuff that was supposed to be here? And you didn't just steal it from some other store and bring it here? 'Cause that would be weird. Hot dogs, merch, display, bap-boop, bap-beep, bap-boop, bap-beep-- [Homeless Bot, slurring]: Hello. I don't have any money. Is there anything in there I could have? For free? [Mark]: Absolutely not! Get out!
[Job Bot]: Hmm. How about those popsicles in the freezer? [Mark, in disbelief]: What?!
[Job Bot]: If we don't sell those by tomorrow, we're going to have to throw them out anyway.
[Mark, stammering]: What are... Popsicles don't go bad! They're li-iterally sugar! What do you want them to do?! They've got nothing but-- I-I-I object to this, because these are worth...two dollars?! For a popsicle, you frickin' thief?! Who's gonna rob us for two dollars?! Good God! [Homeless Bot]: Oh. I wasn't expecting to actually get something. Um, if you're able to, can I get a bit of change, too? [Mark]: Why-- Why would I do this?! Why?! That doesn't make any sense! Boss! I don't like this! Charging you for it. [Homeless Bot]: Oh, thanks! You're a real good person!
[Mark]: Shut up! No, I'm not! [Homeless Bot]: I'll be going now.
[Mark]: I didn't even want to do any of that! Where are you going?! [Mark]: Are you gonna steal stuff?!
[deep voice]...Wait a minute... [Homeless Bot]: Hello there, human! Look at this! I've got a coin here for you! What could I buy for this? Surely...
[Mark]: Noth-- [Homeless Bot]: ... you can give me something!
[Mark]: N-no! [Job Bot, sighing]: Just give this bot something. Preferably not something especially valuable. [Mark]: You know what? Just to spite you because I like you less, I'm gonna give him the-- I don't even know wh-- Ah! Oh! Ah! Oh! Look very deeply into this tube. [in-game fireworks]
[Homeless Bot]: Pleasure doing business with you! [Mark]: I guess that didn't bother him. Well.
[Job Bot]: Yeah! Sometimes, it was necessary to make special deals with customers like this to assure their repeated patronage. [Mark]: HOLLA! Something happened to him over there. I don't know-- Whoa. [Job Bot]: Oh, no! Here comes trouble!
[Mark shrieks] [Bandit Bot]: Look, see? Today's not your lucky day, pal.
[Mark]: No, apparently not. [Bandit Bot]: Open the safe, and give me all your cheddar! [Mark]: All right. Cheddar, it is. I already connected the dots on this joke.
[Bandit Bot]: I've got to buy a new pair of shoes. Heh [Mark]: Here you go!
[Bandit Bot]: Later, chump, you'll never catch me! [Mark]: I'm not gonna try! Why would I try?! I work for-- Okay! Never mind, then! They went past him.
[Job Bot]: Despite dealing almost exclusively in low-value products, CONVENIENCE STORES were often the targets of robbery. [Mark]: Uh, am I supposed to feel sad about that? Okay. Anyway. Next customer! Boink! [Stoner Bot]: I, uh, I want to get some food? [Job Bot]: I think this bot's had a little too much juice! Better throw something to get its attention.
[Mark]: Yeah, too much "juuuice." Too much 420 blaze it-- Well, shit. 420 blaze it juice.
[Stoner Bot, startled]: Oh! Uh, hey. I, um... Oh, I forgot what I want. [Mark]: You want a burrito. I know this because it says "Burrito Troubles." There you go. [Stoner Bot]: Oh, this burrito's good!
[Mark]: Yeah! Yeah. [Stoner Bot]: Wait. Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait... Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! [Mark]: Oh, shit.
[Stoner Bot]: I want, like...like, a *big* burrito. Like *real* big! [Mark]: Ah, fuck! I gotcha. Don't--stop getting in the way, you asshole! Okay, I know what you want: Me to use my magic machine to make this magically-- This is de-- oh, shit.
[Stoner Bot laughs] [Mark]: You get half of it. Split it even.
[Stoner Bot]: That's what I'm talking about! [Mark, mockingly]: Yeah, man!
[Stoner Bot, slurring]: Heeeeeeeeeere's your moneeeeeey... [Mark]: Why are you saying it so weird?
[Job Bot]: Don't forget to put the cash in the register... [Mark, to bot customer]: How high are you?
[Job Bot]: ...just because your customer isn't [unintelligible]. [Mark]: Bye.
[Stoner Bot, slurring]: Later... [Mark]: Bye! Have a good day! [blows kisses] I love you! [Job Bot]: I haven't seen a mess this big since THE HUMAN UPRISING OF 2027. [Mark]: Oh, shit.
[Job Bot]: Hold on there, human! I have just the thing!
[Mark]: What i-- [Job Bot]: Why don't you try it out? The keyhole is right there by the dial. [Mark]: Oh! I did it! Look at me!
[Job Bot]: This microbot is designed to clean even the most disgusting human messes.
[Mark making noises, feigning fascination] [Job Bot]: Grab the controller and clean those stains around the store. [Mark]: Oh. That is hilarious. [singing] I'm playing a game within a game... [Job Bot]: That's enough for now, I think.
[Mark]: Oh, God. [Job Bot]: Just pull the key out to deactivate the robot, and we'll move on to our next customer. [Mark]: Oh, man, I have made quite a mess around here. All right, whatever. You're done! Good enough! Supersize that. [Is Mark gonna supersize everything?] Good key! That's a nice key.
Boink! What else? Come on! I'm ready! Come on! Whoa, hello. Uh...
[Clearly Three Children Bot]: Oh, hello! I'm an adult robot!
[Uh-huh, sure you are.] And I'd like to purchase some fireworks! 'Cause I'm an adult! [You tryin' to kiss em' mark?] [Job Bot]: Something about this seems a little bit strange. You should probably check their ID. [Clearly Three Children Bot]: Oh, yeah! ID! No problem! We--I mean I got that right here! [Mark]: If it says McLovin, I'm gonna be super pissed!
[Job Bot]: Check it out with your universal scanning device, human. [Mark]: "Adult Bot," "old enough," "totally legit," "Experi--Expired: Never." I knew what that means. I think you're good in my book. Have some of that. Have some of these. Have a good day. Why do these light as soon as I touch them? It doesn't seem like what it's supposed to be doing. Oh. [Clearly Three Children Bot]: Uh, um, no, wait. That's the wrong one. Try...try this one. [Mark]: Uh...uh, okay. [Job Bot]: Well, the technology is never wrong.
[Mark]: Okay. [Job Bot]: That appears to be one legitimately adult robot! I guess you can give them their fireworks. [Mark]: You got it. It kinda all ran out, but either way, I guess this is okay. Oh, shit. Didn't mean to do that, but here you go.
Ah, shit. There you go. [Child #1]: Oh, I am totally going to get away with doing this--
[Child #2]: Shut up, dude! [Child #1]: All right!
[Mark laughs] Bam! [Child #1]: Oh, no! Let's book it!
[Mark]: You get out of here, kids! [2 child bots screaming off into the distance]
[Bot #3]: I can't go back to jail! [Mark]: You're lucky it's out. [Job Bot]: That was strange. But the most important thing is that the product is safe. Let's move on! [Mark]: How does that work?! How does it magically regrow? Are you going to explain that to me? Boink! All right then.
Well, this seems dangerous. Huh. [Cop Bot]: Good evening, human. I understand you were held at bananapoint earlier this evening. [Mark]: No.
[Cop Bot]: We've captured the suspect. We just need you to point out who did it.
[Mark]: I ain't no snitch! [Cop Bot]: Who took your cheddar? Let me make it simple for you. Here are the three suspects. Just hand me the one who did it.
[Mark]: Oh! [Cop Bot]: Make sure you're certain. [Mark]: Huh. Ah. [laughs] "Previous offenses: None." Uh...yeah, it was this one. This asshole right here! You're fine in my book.
[Cop Bot]: This is the guy who did it? Well, let's go, bots. [Cop Bot #2]: Yeah, brah. So I'm going to an area with, like, bad reception.[bruh] [Mark]: Okay, bye! Have a nice day, bandito! You're gonna be totally fine... [Job Bot]: Looks like you're getting the hang of this clerk job, kid! [Mark]: I sure am.
[Job Bot]: Well, you know how to get back to the museum if you want to. I'll just be hanging out here while you do whatever you want. [Mark]: I'm just gonna chug this pink stuff because it feels good when it touches my brain! [Mark making unintelligible gulping noises] Okay! Anyway. Time to eat a burrito and forget all my troubles in another reality. [Mark making animalistic eating noises] [Mark shrieking]: Ah! I disintegrated! [Sinefield Ending Song] Okay. So that is the store clerk job simulator. There's only one left to go, and I've already done half of it, but I'm gonna blast through it for you guys in the next video that we do of this virtual reality stuff. Check out all the other cool stuff, even Oculus Rift stuff that I played a long time ago. There's links in the description. The playlist: Full of cool videos that you want to see. Thanks again, everybody, and as always, I will see you in the next video. Buh-bye! [Subtitles by PikaGuy]
