Nine Minutes of One-liners: Gary Delaney's hilarious first Live at the Apollo appearance.

my grief counselor died recently but luckily he was so good i didn't give a [ __ ] the young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape i mean obviously they don't know that yet [Applause] the other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker yeah well voyeur was the actual word only to split hairs is there it still counts i used to go to the parachutist with ibs but she shat on me from a great i think it's sad the word legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stoned unexpectedly returning with crisps i hired a landscape gardener but he said he couldn't help was my garden was portrait every christmas day we always have pigs in blankets or as you probably call it relatives sleeping in a spare room it's tradition in our family that we always have a christmas jumper and then it's my job to talk them down i went on a barging holiday i haven't got a boat i just kept pushing people into canals i don't like to eat anything labeled reformed ham as i think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track this morning i made a belgian waffle in the afternoon i made a frenchman talk bollocks i went to see the stalactites at cheddar gorge and our guide asked us not to try and crack one off and she wasn't even that attractive this morning i went to a meeting in my premature ejaculators support group turns out tomorrow a couple of the gentleman there started clapping before the end of that joke which is to appreciate that our six-year-old refuses to eat anything other than alpha betty spaghetti luckily he's dyslexic so we just buy normal spaghetti i've got the memory of an elephant i remember one time i went to the zoo and saw an elephant i was disappointed to find that dunkirk wasn't actually a biography of william shatner i accidentally kicked my daughter lynette bit me on the bollocks my mate said it's karma i said no if anything it's even more angry i tell you always catches my eye short people with umbrellas i put on a lot of weights i rang up weight watchers i said it's an emergency can you send somebody round and they said yes we can we got loads of them i was actually thrown out of weight watchers for making sarcastic comments at the weekly weigh-in as you can imagine i accepted the decision with huge grace because they threw her out as well i was watching tv the announcer said there's a documentary about the clitoris on the red button but i couldn't find it i was in a fancy lingerie shop i said these [ __ ] sat in he said no they knew i didn't know what to get my little niece for christmas so i asked my sister what she's into apparently at the moment she's mad about frozen stuff so i got some oven chips and peas it's been a tough week i got myself a memory foam mattress now it's trying to blackmail me a child i was made to walk the plank we couldn't afford a dog i went on a positive thinking course it was [ __ ] you would be and it was half empty the area in a nando's between the front and back door is called the perry perineum the doctor told me to lose some weight i said how he said don't eat anything fatty i said what pies chips that sort of thing he said no just don't eat anything fatty old lady names are very much back in fashion at the minute like lily or elsie or rose and we wanted something like that for our daughter but we couldn't decide so in the end we just called her nan if you watch a porn film backwards it's about a man who've spunk off a woman then breaks her washing machine and leaves we've all done it friend of mine had a penis extension now his house looks really stupid i was in a sex shop i saw a dildo described as nine inches long and realistic i thought well which is it as a family we couldn't decide whether to have nana buried or cremated so in the end we let her live my granddad went down in history and on one occasion finger the girl in geography i remember sitting in psychology class learning about pavlov thinking those stupid dogs and then the bell went and we all had lunch red sky at night light of shorter wavelengths is being dissipated by water vapor and atmospheric dust red sky in the morning same there's only one thing i don't like about halloween which is i thought ppi was just something you could get if you didn't wear goggles at the swing belt my girlfriend's dog died sort of cheer up i got an identical one she was livid what i'm gonna do with two dead dogs i bought a chocolate bar on the inside of the wrapper it said you're a loser i wouldn't mind if there'd been some sort of competition on making's worse it was a boost a christian friend of mine said that sex between two men was wrong in their eyes i said you're quite right it's supposed to be up the bum my uncle derek was found dead with a belt around his neck and a dildo up his ass at his funeral the vicar said we'd always remember him for his charity work wrong i accidentally filled the escort with diesel she died [Applause] i always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she's just gonna scream and run out of the park when i heard you could now be a sperm donor by post i came in a jiffy i've been trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her keyring she just keeps fobbing me off

Channel: Gary Delaney

Views: 2,309,248

Keywords: one liners, garry delaney, garry delany, appollo

Id: hQTyevyg-Z0

Length: 9min 7sec (547 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 19 2021