Demetri Martin - Comedy GOLD!!!

my name is Dimitri and these are some of my jokes [Music] I like playing guitar when I do my jokes I'm actually started in guitar quite a while ago as a street performer it was difficult though because I was in the suburbs I called the sack [Music] not a lot of foot traffic but this is store my neighborhood called futon world I love that name futon world makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time [Music] I was on the train and I heard this guy say to his friend man I'm really good at checkers which is the same as saying man I'm not good at a lot of things I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades [Music] especially if your teammates are bad guessers the only worst time will be during a game of fake heart attack followed by naps my computer beat me at chess but then I beat him at kickboxing [Music] I think batteries are the most traumatic objects of all the objects because other things they stop working or they break the batteries they die why not using your walkman I can't my batteries died in my lab this morning the twins are gone [Music] if you're a battery you're either working or you're dead [Music] Thanks thanks for claps I noticed there are no B batteries goes right from A to C I think this to avoid confusion as if there were B but no when somebody wanted B batteries or just had a stutter can I help you yes I would like some B batteries please [Music] sure what kind D batteries right what kind do you want the batteries damn it I said it three times [Music] by the way if you want to sound like a creep just add the word ladies to the end of things that you say you sound like a creep right away can be harmless - like thanks for coming to my show ladies help by falling into a well and I can't get out ladies I used to compete in sports a lot but did I realize that you can buy trophies now I'm good at everything I saw a scientist say watch for children I thought that sounds like a fair trade [Music] I like videogames but they're very violent I want to design a videogame what you have to take care of all the people who've been shot and the other games hey man what are you playing super busy hospital it's very difficult this patient was shot in the head 57 times I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces when you finish it it says go outside [Music] I went into this clothing store and the lady working there she got mad at me she said what size are you I said actual [Music] santé trick baby [Music] she was amazing I've never met a woman like this before she showed me to the dressing room and she said if you need anything I'm Jill I thought oh my god I never met a woman before with a conditional identity [Music] what if I don't need anything who are you [Music] if you don't need anything I'm Kevin [Music] that's not good this summer I want to go to the beach and bury metal objects let's say get a life on him I love the beach I'd like to get there really early before everybody else shows up take like 30 bottles with notes in them throw them into the water then I wait for everyone to come to the beach when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles I go up behind them cuz when they open it inside there's a note that says I'm standing right behind you I like to use glitter I do crafts a little bit and I work with glitter but don't worry I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls the thing about glitter is if you get it on you be prepared to have it on you forever because glitter doesn't go away glitter is the herpes of craft supplies [Music] permanent ease Barkley somebody asked you the question are you ticklish it doesn't matter whether you say yes or no they're going to touch you if they are Sara you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you have to say something like I have diarrhea [Music] now don't touch me because you're gonna make it come out ladies thank you everybody [Applause]

Channel: A B Baracas

Views: 2,020,570

Rating: 4.7695713 out of 5

Keywords: Demerti Martin, Demitri Martin, Comedy, Best of Demetri Martin, Stand Up Comedy, US Stand Up Comedy, Best US Comedians, Best US Comedy, Funny Stand Up, Guitar Comedy, Musical Comedy, Comedy Gold

Id: YAgFr7Crpf4

Length: 7min 25sec (445 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 01 2017