Stewart Francis - Deadpan & One-Liners | Comedy

I like my women the way I like my skis rented as a kid my dad used to always hit me with a camera I still have flashbacks to homeless people really get knock-knock jokes growing up I was on the impression I was adopted a lot of kids have that insecurity and feel for whatever reason that they were adopted and I was one of those children is about nine years old finally I asked my parents I said mom dad I don't know why but I think I'm adopted am i they both chuckle and my dad said to me ha ching cha wa ha have a girlfriend I've been going out with my girlfriend for sex I farted in a full lift today which was wrong on so many levels parents have differing views when it comes to dogs when I was a kid my parents say we could get a puppy if we hated it we could just abandon it my foster parents however should midgets be paid under the table and my family on the youngest of three my parents are both older so many people are jumping on the Barack Obama bandwagon which as an African American really offends me my god has a weird hobby collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than alcoholic doesn't it I was involved in a one-night stand that went horribly wrong we've been married three years now my girlfriend says I'm afraid of commitment while she's not my girlfriend it's more a wife went for Roma therapy today aromatherapist walked into the room farted and said that would be fifty bucks people can be so ignorant towards other nationalities I'm thin I don't play the banjo I don't have sex with my cousin and still people assume I'm American my wife has an ass like JLo no jello but what if dolphins don't want to swim with [ __ ] people I don't think I got the job at Microsoft they haven't responded to my telegram standing in the park today wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets and then it hit me no I was horrible in school I failed math so many times I can't even count I was good at history know anybody who accuses me of stealing other comedians jokes can kiss my black ass okay tried phone sex recently got my phone builds the other day there 852 dollars man don't call stuttering [ __ ] receiving oral sex from an ugly persons like rock climbing you should never look down I've decided we don't want children if anybody does we can drop them off tomorrow I'm not ashamed of my wife if you don't believe me go to the car and ask her I don't know what went wrong with me and my last girlfriend or Toby as I called her we have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom in fact passive aggressive psycho turns five tomorrow I'm Canadian although I truly do feel British because both my parents are alcoholics I hope you're doing okay money-wise I'm set for life provide I die next Tuesday my girlfriend thinks I'm incapable of being faithful my wife on the other hand as a sister I wouldn't mind I preferred French over chemistry because the chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any I like what mechanics wear overall so much nudity on TV I just sit there shaking my fist no I'm lazy I'm so lazy um I didn't write a punch I was raised by my father my mother left before I was born and oh they're building an Ikea in my neighborhood every time I Drive by I feel sorry for the construction workers [Music] I have never asked a rhetorical question how cool is that I read that ten out of two people are dyslexic my father was a man of few words I remember used to say to me son did your trunks were going to the library my sexual fantasy is to make love to Sigmund Freud's father mother got a lot of couples here tonight I love blind dates kids getting stared their tits like most Canadians I like to go clubbing but if there's no seals around I went to university on a swimming scholarship and university I was going to join the debating team but someone talked me out of it when I was a kid my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory I forget my response I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow I quit my job at the helium gas Factory I refused to be spoken to in that tone you are looking at a very proud Canadian who's very proud of the education system in Canadia I think it's the goodest of all 17 countries my grandma who's addicted to tea hates the way I say things she doesn't enjoy my visit is my wife dissatisfied with my body a tiny part of me says yes and it's often thought that a man's sexual fantasy is to be involved in a threesome and I thought it was mine until recently I was involved in a threesome I'll be honest with you ladies and gentlemen I didn't enjoy it halfway through I stopped and said listen Rick Jim

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 1,115,690

Keywords: stewart francis, one liners, comedy, deadpan comedy, best of one liners, one liners comedy, pun, dry humour, deep pan, deadpan humour, witty jokes, short jokes, best one liners, funny one liners, funniest one liners, laugh planet, jokes, live, apollo

Id: -oWR2ZSF3iY

Length: 7min 20sec (440 seconds)

Published: Fri May 08 2020