Milton Jones - Music Hall Meltdown

i've just come back from australia thanks it's great to be back while i was there i learned some aborigine words like which boo to return because when you throw an ordinary meringue i just come back from holland thanks it's great to be back well i was there i was in a fish restaurant a bloke on the table next to me began to cough i ignored him then he began to choke i still ignored him then he began to choke really really badly so in the end i stood up and i smacked him on the back really hard anyway it turns out he was just speaking dutch that works with welsh as well so i phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet and he sent me a large goat with a long neck turns out i'd phoned daily llama do you have a conversation with someone and towards the end they say well i'll let you go you think yeah thanks oh i see what you're saying you're trying to make me think that you think that i've got better things to do but in reality you're saying that you've got better things to do well next time someone says to you i'll let you go say no [Applause] shut the door if they make a sudden dive for the window grab them by the ankles and as they're dangling four stories above the car park screaming this has all been a terrible mistake okay i'll let you go if they make it illegal to wear the veil at work beekeepers are going to be furious [Music] the pollen count that's a difficult job especially got hay fever one sneeze you have to start again i didn't have a very good summer last year i set up a clinic for colonic irrigation but the hosepipe ban hit us hard [Applause] incredible to think isn't it that every single scotsman started off as a scotch egg cold and gingery any scotsman here yeah i've got a bit of scottish blood myself on a kitchen knife i enjoy playing scottish music on my ipod i'm very english really i even ordered a book on the internet how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors unfortunately i was out when it was delivered militant feminists i take my hat off to them they don't like that [Applause] old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs i don't think so retired mermaids the worst job i ever had of course was forensic pathologist for the united nations i remember uncovering the mass grave of a thousand snowmen [Music] unfortunately turned out to be a field full of carrots well it's been great to be here uh to be honest uh people say that as well don't they what do you mean to be honest i mean everything you've been saying so far hasn't been honest well how can we trust what you're gonna say now anyway you've been a great audience uh but to be honest [Applause] i'll let you go very good my life hasn't been entirely wasted after all i was the man who discovered dna i wasn't going to call it that but i was giving a lecture to the royal society i said gentlemen i believe i've discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life [Applause] very much good

Channel: Pozzitive Comedy

Views: 279,208

Keywords: comedy, standup, standup comedy, funny, milton jones

Id: d-JZ_gpQRRc

Length: 5min 51sec (351 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 13 2020