Steptoe and Son: Wallah-Wallah Catsmeat (1995 UK VHS)

[Music] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] uh [Music] [Applause] hello time to get up [Music] [Applause] i'm calling you guys [Applause] please don't do that first thing in the movie your breakfast ready every night i'm around how many times do i have to ask you not to smoke when you're dishing out my food i've now got us all over my cereal why don't you tie that out of your mouth first thing in the morning as soon as you wake up you've got a on you know what makes you hulk your lungs up coming coconuts splattering all over the eyes it's disgusting oh i i can't do without me morning set me up oh i'll attack a picture of you first thing in the morning put it on them cancer adverts dad stopping where is the milk from our cornflakes ah in the kitchen i forgot to bring it in and perhaps you will cut a step out to the kitchen and fetch it who's ate this of all you know i don't know butter i ain't no admiral trot and waiting on your beck and call i don't know kids are today honoured my father and i'm mother yeah it's all gonna have to spell i'll say goals up again another free eightman's announce i'm not surprised had to come don't shake it i like the top of it on my conflict i know what you bother eating that stuff for spa nancy times peel if he was just bend a tube over a week and spend on that and put in a marked football coupons we'd stand a better chance of making a fortune remember i'll get south desperate as to do the football pools i certainly wouldn't do them on your coupon how many doors climb up last week 27 27 the record number of drawers ever and how many did you have yes shut up oh come on you know very well i'm in your head i don't know how many you had on how many you didn't have you didn't have all of them you must be the only block in the country you didn't get everything one of these days the proofs would have come up and when they do don't you come around on the euro because you get nothing oh yes that's right mr albert stepped her receiving the check for mr iron andrews for the sum of 192.000 this money will not change my way of life i will carry on being a rackham boatman but my son harold will get nothing because i'll give my shirt to his horse right there it'll be millionaire kiddies you won't get anything yeah we'll retire both of us i'll buy a farm put him out in the field let him run about please hercules i'm shy can i run apart he ain't done any running a bar in yours he's forgotten how it goes under the shaft of the car to hold him up something you could do with him is take him down the cat's meat man the cat's meat man catch me catch me uh cats mate you know walla walla cats mate eight brown bread do you ever see a donkey drop down there you can take a hercules down to the cat's meat yeah no i ain't taking him down a cat's me man happened to be passing it was on his right to a selling flight in kempton park and he spotted hercules and he offered me 25 quid for him on the spot that's worth it to a minute i mean a big horse like that he'd fill a few thousand sins wouldn't they mind you there wouldn't all be pure hercules you know i mean i shove a lot of rubbish in with it nowadays you know a better jelly better that's better stop it stop talking about that i never know cats eating my hercules people in the rotten cats we're going to clear off leave my horse alone he's going to die a natural death in a field with a proper burial with his legs folded across his chest like that he's not finishing his days piled up in chins in some grocery store that's final i'm not ever getting at all this oh you get on my wick you really do what's the point i mean work him all off try to think up new ways to improve the business plan through this every day when i'm fights with inefficiency all the time but you can only finish the round these days if i go down twice as fast with a proper horse oh god the forces of reaction what can you do oh it's a terrible thing when all drags like you stifles the spirit of progress and as young ones i know why you don't want to get rid of him you're contemporaries aren't you oh you was young together if he was the guy to bring it to you you ain't got long mate you're hanging on on though look dynamo are you going out and around this morning are you not with a tommy come here every time you come home don't tell me how to talk mate well you can go and get the whole chinese chapman ready that's true enough will take me a couple of hours to get him up on his feet you have put the milk in first the guy in haven't you i only put him in there but you shouldn't i'm the proper way to do it in the correct circles the milk is always put in lust if i was to take you to clearages and if i saw you putting the milk in first i'd now strut away you as lower class i'd say hello he's a right miffini [Laughter] milk in first it just ain't done then just a little tip trying to remember in future i just don't taste the sun oh look yeah you can hang this up and don't chuck it under the bed and get up properly on a couch hanger i shall see you later getting above himself listen to his milking lost yeah dark well if you don't leave enough space in the milk you're slopping into the saucer what's that there's something wrong with yours what do you mean i think he's hill he won't get up have you kicked him yeah but he's still my dad good night his eyes are shut oh my god let me sweat him oh no oh yeah get some ranches quick that i was only joking i'll see what i said about him he'd be all right ah he's been like this before annie i mean he's all right there's nothing wrong with him it's a nothing serious you better stand for the vet [Music] he's been in that long enough funny he all know what's wrong with him by now what's keeping him i'm going in there there's nothing you can do there's no good walking up and down like a pregnant father he's in good hands come on calm your nerves oh and it pathetic you'll fight in healing part of a cup of tea that's your answer to everything honey a nice cup of tea the englishman's panacea mother just died oh what a shame have a cup of tea just be run over never mind have a cup of tea i have been offered tea for disasters funerals operations floods walls dunk the blitz coronations piles stereo anger marches to insomnia nice tea in one hand a thumbs up to the camera with the other britney can take it well i can have it i'm sick and tired of being a cheerful chirpy cockney spell home is entitled to be as miserable and as depressed as anybody else so you can stick your cup of tea right back down the spot if anything happens to that horse i'm holding you personally responsible yes you it's disgusting the conditions animals had to live under when did you last clean the stables out of filthy dirt i think that say that every day i could eat my dinner off the floor in there well that's you could but it all swell don't you start accusing me i love that horse if it hadn't been for me he would have been dead years ago you never cared for him you never thought about having feelings for the things you've said about him great claude up here call him one wonderful and he knew he knew you didn't care about him animals aren't dark you know they know when people don't like them they can sense oh never done nothing against our hearts i've always treated them with respect and kindness when do you brush him when was the last time he laid a brush across him yeah now when i had him that horse was brushed every dately shone you could see your face in him and his tail was plaited like a young girl's hair and two big drugs that's over his ears well i take him to collect rags not a goat of leading football match these blinkers oh how they shone the old sun used to blint on them blinkers looked like he was winking all the time and i looked after the car yeah i looked off the cart and painted our name on it all fresh and polished and shining yeah we looked a proper picture when we went out in the morning i used to sit up there like a king crowd proud that's what it was and hercules was proud too he knew he's good looking his own neck was arched and his legs going up and down like that proud okay bounceless oh god the banner of the balls fall around huh yeah you can sneer but it's not like that now is it he knows he's been neglected that's what's wrong with him now he's pining he feels all broken down and ugly lost the will to go on you talk as if he's had a nervous breakdown or something he's a horse there he's not on that case what do you want me to do put him on a couch and have a chat with him every morning punching him that won't make no difference for me he's dangerous enough getting him up at eight o'clock i'm sure he loved me going in there past six in the morning with my brush and combing air grips start putting his tail in curlers i'll get hoof right up a kilt you never cared about him and now he's ill doc if son never cared about him it wasn't me offered him to the cat's meat man for 25 quid you don't have to bring that up there's no good of standing accusing each other mike we've got work to do and a business to run and we ain't got a nose we're stuck and we can't afford to close down i don't know what we're gonna do you'll have to just go out to the and cart won't you you're joking go out with the hank cart in the winter have you tried pushing that thing with stuff on it you're a young man what about my father's scientists you've never said nothing about no fight besides what i have now i mean i don't make a song a dance about my aches and pains i don't moan and groan like some people but nevertheless the fact remains i have severe fibrosis in my left cell though i'm not going pushing my ankle well we just have to starve and that's all cause i ain't got no money well i won't have it the time i paid the vape oh good oh this is a well organized concern this is one crisis and when i could [Music] about to threaten your bets where's all the friendly bits come well i had to play the roads didn't i and this street trader's license and a corn chandler he hadn't been paid for three months became quite nasty so that's it a thriving business at the annual general meeting of steptoe and sun limited your end in 1962 the chairman and mr albert steptoe rose to present a company report gentlemen he said after your strenuous trading in which my son harold diligently flogged his guts out i'm pleased to report that a company position is as follows capital held in reserve one shilling in northwoods company liabilities the chairman frozen assets include a yard full of unsalable junk and a dead old ai gay the chairman of manchester united you'll just have to work hard he added the report was unanimously rejected and shots have resolved reserved from all parts of the floor resign have a look at you as well because i tell you if that old snap city might as well get his humane killer out never caught us at all because i'm fed up with it then i've had enough i don't want to know what is the point we stumble along from one crisis to another that horse has brought it home to us now we know we stand without him we're lumbered my future depends on the health of a broken down old horse a grown man completely dependent on a dumb animal it's very dignified yeah talk about that harold you mustn't give out hope hope i've been living in honor for 20 years and i'm good it's done me mate no wait let's all go together you me and the horse i must exit at their step-toes let the castle play for a funeral let's get something back for the race shut up with that morbid talk i don't want to go well anything's better than this mate it don't hurt just one wallet with a steam memory it's all over you no you're leave my ears what's wrong with being daddy's marvelous no more getting up in the morning nice lying every day all day no more worries no more bills peace and quiet no but there's nothing wrong with being dead it's a living bit that frightens me yeah if you're so keen on being dead why'd you buy that old anderson shelter when you thought old kennedy was gonna have a go at cuba shake it like a jelly you were because i'll decide when i want to go mate not somebody else decide for me and i am ready to go now come on did you suppose hercules is all right don't you think he's passed away oh you know how should i know all right all right i'm coming ah oh look who's come to see us limelight sturgeon hello hello lionel i i just heard about yours yes a few of the lads was talking down at the artist he's bad he's dodgy i think i am sorry the vet's in there with him now you won't be able to go out of there no no not to die should i cover chilana no i can't stop there but i've got the awesome card outside but i'll tell you what i come about i hope you won't be offended but well seeing as how you're placed like i mean you not being able to get out sort of thing with the horse being ill like well i thought these might come in handy if you know what i mean yeah they're good quality rags mostly cream with a bit of dark mixed in but they're good quality and i thought perhaps you might be able to place them if it will help out it's all like you know oh no i don't know what size it's very kind of no no i mean we got well be jumping you do the same for me i mean we gotta help each other are we i i don't know what to say lido i mean how much do i owe you don't worry about it nah find me a drink when you're she's better no no no i'm not gonna see you outside anymore don't worry about it now look pay me when you've placed it i don't know what to say don't say nothing just copy that's all oh work the rest of the lads told me to tell you not to worry while the horse is ill they'll let you have some of their stuff collect for themselves collect for you don't skin off their noses just give them what it's worth at the end of the day just pay what they give for it all right we won't forget this ah that's all right over well i better shoot off now all right more regards to your mum what about that name is ill then when he's better harold how many of the lads gets down to the yard these days i don't know but somewhat seven or eight [Music] of look it is like insane ladies want you he's picked the right time of the earth for it honey my dear friends are going out in this weather not my fly besides us he'll give me a chance to recuperate have a nice light and business as usual how long do you reckon hercules reveal oh what the not oh lisa okay that's not bad is it before not in bed monty we have to get up with the lads come round with their eggs and stuff but that's not archie busy i feel better already this has chewed me up life's really worth living after all you i i'm sorry for hercules of course but it's an ill win don't it [Music] i'm not a doctor i'm a messed up i wouldn't let my practice on human beings is he is he going to be all right have you got a drink or something he's don called it there a drop of whisk oh no you're talking you were asking me about something you know boy the horse is he going to die there's nothing wrong with him there is nothing wrong with him he's tired that's all right he's sleeping out there he could probably couldn't get to sleep last night he's exhausted i've never heard of a nurse with insomnia before it happens to us there's no reason why it shouldn't have happened today and that's all that's wrong with me i told you said he was sweaty he was he was sucked in it that was rain water i counted him any hoes in that room he could have died of pneumonia well all i need is a good night's sleep he'll be his righteous knight friends in the morning tomorrow morning i ready to go out to work strong as ever have another thing i hope you'd asked me i think that horse ought to have uh phone now oh complete rest what's up to you son it isn't needed but in your own business oh i'm telling you is that that horse is fit to work well with the rest of doing good he's getting old you see we like to see him get better properly there's nothing wrong with no that's all we don't take any chances we'd like you to pop in every day just to keep a check on that that's no need i'm a very busy man well they won't keep them just pop by leave your car outside there's plenty of whiskey here oh well i wouldn't mind doing that i must now need to put it around but there's nothing wrong with him is there i mean he to the other tried us we don't commit lift i should ask you know worlds within worlds politics hell if i don't see anything i can't tell any lies can i of course there's the question of my calling please we'll see you all right good well i must say it's nice to meet people that are fond of their animals ah he's like one of their families right we'll see you tomorrow then right no that really is a nice drop of whiskey yeah isn't it yes oh well i'll be on my way don't make it too early in the morning no no yeah i would cover up that hole in the stable roof if i was you yeah we'll attend to that all right cheerio we'll see you tomorrow hi oh well i'm going to bed i'll see you in the morning oh unless the place is on far don't wake me up before 12 o'clock this would be a very pleasant fault now to sleep to sleep the chance to dream [Music] huh [Music] oh he's worse yes i'm a fight it's going to be a long job you see he's old he doesn't seem to have the will to live oh i am sorry yes it's very sad and the next place oh yes there's a good bad thread left on them two bob each do you all right is that all yes well what what a paperwork what a beauty two florences articles i was up with my grand all last night story because well there's not much we can do i mean that's the way it goes in it even in the midst of life there is death you're right charlie oh yes very no would you excuse me a minute how is he doctor mister i told you yesterday the animal is perfectly fit there's nothing wrong with him in fact he's getting restless cooked up in here he could do with some exercise yeah well i'll take him for a walk around the streets tonight when it gets dark here's your tumble oh you know you're wasting your money having me around every day yeah well i know what i'm doing with your excuse and i've got some business to transact now you know where the whiskey is don't if you help yourself we'll see you sometime tomorrow don't let the doctor up can i have oh you can't you keep up what did he say oh he's worse he is he's on the dangerous can i pop in and see you no no the doctor says now visits us ah poor old devil yes well there's nothing much we can do it's up to him now all we can do is help what was that he's probably his death frogs yeah how much give me ten bob half a bar that's very fair [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] good [Music] [Applause] so [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] so [Music] how you feeling terrible the guts is turning over something wrong have you got the flask not in here it's your fault i've got no sympathy for you getting married get your rage it's ridiculous it won't work i can't stop that again it's too late you've been trying to break it up for three months as it is melanie and i are getting married whether you like it or not yeah i'll give it six months a young girl like that man old are you you'll be 50 when she's 30. oh shut up don't you ever give up i'm gonna end it to you you know here we are in church five minutes to go and you're still rabbiting away i should have thought asking you to be the best man would have shut you up have you got the ring yes you sure yes where is it here it count me yankee oh take it out of that thing that's got to go on her finger put it in your pocket and don't lose hasn't changed much has it why is this place i mean anything to put your mother away melanie wanted a white wedding what where dare that starting all for the lie to begin with what do you mean look melanie and i are very much in love with each other and there's nothing you can say or do is going to ultimate so you might as well just shut your cake hole and get used to the idea [Music] what's that now she's upset well it's quite natural it's her only daughter don't let that fool yet she stick a pink tree shuttle at last take a good look at them mate because that's what your bird's going to look like in 20 years but don't follow i don't look anything like you don't think i ever noticed many's to punch up your mother and me head over you that is another nice thing to say on my wedding day not that i might mark you you're not exactly my idea of a father image no wonder people don't come to church i should have brought mary my farmers i'd have given me chip you're a natural little romantic aren't you still he won't be long [Music] i'll see what happened him number 389 [Music] fight the good fighter [Music] we're going to live with you i'm going to stay in the business we've agreed to lumber ourselves with you until the day half a dozen blokes carry you in here on their shoulders in a little box which may very well be in the next service if you shy that's nice that's very nice i'm only thinking of your happiness i don't got to see you throw yourself away like this throw myself look dad i'm not sean connery i'm harold's stepped up a 37 year old wagon bowman i'm very lucky to get her dad i love her this should be the happiest day of my life and it could be if it wasn't for you sitting there pulling out your satanic little force evil that's what you are evil all you need is a little pair of holes and you'll be set they're going to have to reconsecrate this place when you come she's light isn't she i bet she don't turn up hey [Music] from [Music] the pride has just arrived if you and your best man would care to take your places ah here we into go valley of death [Laughter] [Music] do you want a blindfold [Music] if she goes any faster she'll have to record dearly beloved we are gathered together here in the sight of god and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony which is an honorable estate instituted of god in the time of man's innocence signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt christ and his church into which holy estate these two persons come now to be joined therefore if any man can show any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together let him now speak nor else hereafter [Music] thou have this woman's thy wedded wife to live together under god's ordinance in the holy estate matrimony will thou love her comfort our honor and keeper in sickness and in health and forsaking all other keep the only unto her so long as we both shall live oh how will melanie jay wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband to live together after god's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony wilt thou obey and serve him love honor and keep him in sickness and in hell and forsaking all lover keep him unto you as long as he both shall live no who giveth this woman to be married to this man yeah i'm going and gone she said no did she really i wasn't listening melanie my dear you're supposed to say i will well i won't i can't marry him oh i'm sorry harold this is most unusual what have you said to her happy birthday my baby what's wrong nothing's wrong mother i just can't do it i've changed my mind melody please don't fly people is looking leave her alone oh come here five minutes in the festival she's a bit nervous that's always insult it all out your ends off that have you done enough she doesn't want to marry you of course i knew it was a mistake right from the beginning you've been trying to break up between us for months all i wanted was my daughter's happiness and she wouldn't have got any with you what's wrong with me well look at yourself i mean what are you a common street driver please keep going i am standing pioneering old mother ginger's here in sacramento did you hear what he called me don't come here come on come on serious look at him there's no need to carry on like this my daughter's not marrying you now or at any time i don't choose your cake oh just leave it to melody of me murray melanie really let her go you better all loudly [Music] melody melody [Music] i'm alone [Music] [Music] that shots on you sit down take it easy but a nasty shot you'll get over it what we both need now is a good stiff [Laughter] drink yeah yeah get that down yeah bring the bottle over no don't start that sound and do you no good bring the bottle over you get over it personally i don't agree with all these marriage cobblers just don't work can't it's an unnatural state one man one woman true death has two parts till they kill each other that's what they really mean we do it all wrong over here do you know what happiest country in the world is polynesia now messing about there they all live in one long hunting move about to be i always wanted to live like a polynesian but your mother wouldn't let me she said she didn't like the idea of sharing me with any other woman i said i didn't mind sharing her and she stopped to try and said i didn't love her and why did i marry her and tell her mother and her brothers came round and stumped the life you can't win i should have gone off and left it like that french painter what was the name paul goggin he went over left to my wife and five kids that's what i call carriage he left and became a famous painter i stayed and became a dragonground man why did she do it you haven't been listening to a word i've been saying have you how do i know why she did it i've been telling you a bit of sight of art okay they uh they're always showing the best like beforehand i uh let you know how happy they're going to make yeah it's gonna be a better roses the sun shines out of your ear holes that happy state of affairs lasted about how fast while on the day of your wedding and then it's you've had enough to drink you've got a trench coat stop looking at the bridesmaids oh you don't want to get married you're still a pooler cool blind of the day you stop finding it hard to get a bit of the others better off why why did she have to wait till he was in the church would've been so bad if she ever turned up but to turn up then turn it in i'll punch her bleeding at any possibility spirit that's my boy no woman's worthy we're all right in our own we don't want outsiders this humiliated me that'll be laughing stuck you wait till the non-ferrous metals weekly gets out of this local junk man duty come on me outside foot outside of the yard she's insulted me how old stepped out turned down by a tagging out bird but god i've never seen eyes under that main callous spiff melody [Music] melanie melanie melanie melanie darling i'm mr outstep son yes telegram oh god hello what is it what's up it's a telegram something's happened to her she's lying in hospital somewhere calling for me do you think do you think she's going down something silly right now [Music] sorry can't be with you may your union last as long and be as fruitful as ours signed on to see your uncle jack that was very nice to them wasn't it yes yes it was a very kind fault i mean considering that we haven't seen him for such a long time it was it was nice of them to think about you wasn't he yes oh well i suppose i better get out of this ridiculous outfit i look a rock book in it i think you look very elegant yeah well you better take yours off anyway before you spill something all over it it costs extra pounds have it cleaned i'll take them back first thing in the morning no i'll take them back i'll take them back i said no snowballs i'll jacob don't you worry about it look i'm not a child i have been jilted i have not had my brain removed i'm perfectly capable of taking that back all right all right anything you say help yourself to a drink if you watch it guys funny read about this whole thing in a pipeline it kills yourself laughing never think it's going to happen to you i'll never trust another woman as long as i'm living don't keep on brooding about it try and forget all of that look if you don't like it you can clear out you can leave me alone sorry you said something to her didn't you now what did you say anything i said was fear i'm good elder i don't want to see you unhappy you're you're the only one i've got and you're the only one outcome pathetic isn't it look at us growing out together i could make a film about us whatever happened to baby giant who do you want to be bet davis or john crawford don't get bitter about that it's not the end of the world you're a young man your life before you it's this place that's depressing with all this stuff in it hey let's go up west just you and me pick up a bird and take it out on earth aren't you horrible you're an animal that's what's nice the law of nature it's like eating an apple in the dark if the first spot sour turn it around and have a nibble somewhere else whose philosophical little gem was that how is spotless shopping house come on nate it's always worked for me and i've been through a few efforts in retirement oh i've made you horrible little thing i i was only trying to help but doubt i just wants to be left alone it's the door oh no it's the door well well what huh should help me you might open it but don't let anyone in i'm in communicado right right you leave it to me oh oh hell look who's is what a terrible thing to happen your mother should be here on a day like this only your father could understand oh don't worry auntie philos would be all right if ever she sets foot in car i wrote you get a mouthful from one end of the street to the other would you like to come and stay with us for a while you're more than welcome no i'll be all right thank you anthony but it's no trouble is it ted right oh no you don't want to stay with old face out there [Music] help yourself to a drink auntie apple please i could no not under the circumstances we only come to pay our respects we wouldn't impose on your hour of trial i'll have a small gin he'll have a brown aisle i knew it i knew it i'm not surprised i said at the time didn't start science well only last night down the skin his arms did not say to you i'll be very surprised if that lasts i knew she was no good i was right about told you marvin i said that wouldn't last or you poor boy i can't tell you how sorry i am that's very kind of you auntie mate now don't forget you're very welcome to come and stay with us you know give uh give yourself a rest from old misery guts from a few days you're always welcome to stay in the spare room you've already asked him oh yes but we got more room at our place i mean he can have a room to himself and you can stay in there all day without any interruption no we're just going to interrupt you in our place oh yes but all you do not be on top of him what others suggest that your place is bigger than our place you've never forgiven me for moving away from cairo road everywhere you left me with mother you had no choice when herbert became an inspector we just had to move nearer the garage please just help yourselves to a drink and i'll start filming history for gold's sight the doors are open my boy would fail me i just don't know what to say i felt for you up there my boy i really did i thought to myself he must feel the right burke up there yes salty terrible tragedy for the elf stepped out family yes it is you've not heard from her then no no i haven't what happens if she turns up again you get to boot up the back side of arm anyway around yeah cool sir what would you be doing with the mixer then so what the mixer the kitchen mixer they weren't imprisoned what we endeavor deborah gave you you did look at it didn't you oh yes of course it was uh very nice thank you well just what we wanted well you did ah not much used to him now is it hey well of course i mean i i've not really thought about it i mean what would my life be in ruins and all that no no of course not but i mean as we're here i mean i don't want you to think that's why we've dropped in life but i mean well we might be seeing you for a long time are you asking for that no no well but no no but i mean uh well we were just wondering you know and we haven't got one i mean 30 quid 30 quid and supposing he gets with another bird you'll be expecting something else then won't we hey well as a matter of fact we was just wondering what you're going to do with our sheets and pillowcases see with miles you're getting engaged well if you're not going to use him it's a pretty waste of isn't he well i wasn't trying to hang on to him i wouldn't have gotten out i might have been back from the church a quarter of an hour i'm still sort of shell-shopping more your mom don't take one here look here love from japan trevor that's his toys there and i see him where are my arrows where's their teeth out oh i should be there all the presents is there they aren't here they should be on display with the rest of the presents unless you thought they wasn't good enough oh no of course not now have you seen frida's tea towels there ready on the cheek that's very nice using the presents before you get married well that's that then i won't be able to take them back to the shop now will i and while i'm about it i only another sister you know you know i was put into the false car and i was bummed right in the back of the church while there was other people not even family about you who was stopped like freedom will you get your ears at john oh i realized we were lucky to even be invited at all and if he ever got married that would have been the last we'd have seen a big why are you keeping banana drink yeah i have never seen such a mean kind of spiteful a full lot of unsympathetic breeders in all my life oh [Music] i enjoyed that oh that's something that's the end of the marriage lock that's as near as godless as nurse i'm ever likely to get oh god what i forgot to cancel the honeymoon suite at the hotel oh dear bed like now hey why don't you give dolly clacker to ring [Laughter] dolly clack it hey you'd be well away giant full of that ogre the hotel manager never know no thank you i don't think i'll bother i'm not in the mood i am not an animal no i've just found out the manager and tell him to cancel the suite well do you fancy a couple of days at the seaside me yeah why not it's all paid for yeah we could take a couple of bottles of this go on gotta get packed you've had a wash it's a shame away stick all right uh just one thing dad what don't be next to me when i wake up in the morning [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh it is beautiful around here isn't it let's go home i'm frozen what do you want to drag me all the way out here for i thought you'd enjoy a nice drive out in a country on a sunday afternoon you don't get enough and do you good i'll just look at that view oh it's beautiful isn't it a wonderful viewer what wouldn't you give to live around here wouldn't you like to live audi no i would not i want to go home around the fire there's a good film on chilly this afternoon wouldn't you really like to live around there i mean give them the chance wouldn't you like to end your days in a place like this i mean wouldn't you like to get away from that dirty old house and spend the rest of your days in these idyllic surroundings oh you deserve it then when the odd life you've had oh just look at that house oh isn't that magnificent oh pizza look at that oh i wonder who lives there oh it must be a millionaire at least oh what wouldn't it give to live in a place like that oh it's just fantastic who could live there oh look there's a notice i wonder what it said starts well else old people's home well who would have believed a beautiful house like that for an old people's house i'm not going in there i know there's like me i might only know no sir i wondered why you brought me out the other day look at the lovely view oh what a lovely house i wonder if it could be long chain yeah craft keep coming take me out no come on take me out give me damn ryan okay [Music] hey i assure you it was your coincidence my mother knows you was after something this morning bring me breakfast up on a tray slimy that's what you are conniving cunning just like your mother goldwester soul can you look me straight in the eye and deny that you were trying to get me into an old people's home would you like a drink well don't look at me like that well it's not my fault it's like what they said in the garden the other week you are the victim of the failure of western society and not knowing how to look after its old people i know i could still have you over all right then it's senior citizens i don't have this problem in the east oh yes the family unit is still very strong out there oh they solved the problem it's all tied up with shinto they were ships their ancestors well then oh well we ain't wong's dad we're english i'll see it's religion now is it all right then what about honor thy father and i mother believe me dad i'm doing this for you not for me i mean i haven't come to this decision lightly if there was any other way out i'd take it but there is no other solution i'm very sorry but there it is you've got to go why because i'll be going away very shortly and you should be left here all on your own going away yes where are you going i'm going around the world on a sloop you're doing what going around the world on a slope what are you laughing huh i don't see what's funny about it i mean i mean lots of people do it it's adventurous it's doing something how shocking it should be definitely i will be honest stop laughing ah if you think that by ridiculing me you can get me to change my mind you can't have a thing coming there's nothing you can do about it i'll cut around the world on a sloop and that's always to it is that what you want when you shoot fella yeah you're not serious oh dead serious man in that case you should be going into home not me yeah great book you want your brains tested oh what's wrong with you you're just jealous that's all just cause you might be noah you don't want me to go i've traveled mate traveled wagner every year we are not a bay window at boardinghouse for 14 days i'm traveling bro france yes i'm sorry i forgot about that four years in the twenties end up fortnight in bogner a world authority on travel yeah properly to marco polo aren't you not traveling enough to know it's all the same oh how can it be besides i mean how can india believe and i want to see it mate before i die i want to see the dawn come up like thunder i don't want to read about it i want to hear it i i want to sit around the campfire with a bunch of chicks sorting through the rice for a couple of sheep's eyes and that tiles me off the barrier reef the angry gardens are battered on the seven pillars of wisdom and the greats are off i want to see it oh yes it's all the same minute you can see all that down the bingo hall can't you i'm sorry dad but i don't want to go as old as you and look back and think where have i been no way what have i done nothing i i want to look back and think 1964 oh yes that's when i was a gaucho on the pampers rounding up the stairs i might see people's eyes light up when i tell them about going around the all with everything less down than calling in at some tropical island not for fresh water and having gone and zoning around me necked by slant-eyed dusky mate lying back on some palm fringe beach eating breadfruit pearl fishing at coral sea ivory smuggling up the coast of africa well anti-north antarctica shipwrecked off southampton can we say that that will be the last of your more senior attempts at humor for today well pull yourself together what do you know about bulge how could you try to sleep around the world by yourself i'm not going by myself obviously i want to attempt a trip like that on my own i'm not stupid there's ten of us going five blocks and five birds ah he's going to be one of those dudes is he it's not going to be one of those dues what a vulgar dirty little man this is a serious attempt by a bunch of young people to explore the world around us if you must know i answered a perfectly respectful advert in the new statesman he wants nine other people in search of adventure to join him on a trip around the world oh i realize it's hard for your generation to understand but believe me it is not unusual these days i mean they're all doing it it's the outward-bound school i mean they're not just content to sit down on a television watching bonanza they want to be in it they're all climbing mountains because they are there they're doing things yeah with five birds please don't be so suburbanly preoccupied with sex these are highly intelligent people they don't look at life like that there are just five people going on a trip with five other people well why don't you take ten blokes then no i don't know i'm organizing it perhaps he thought i know what he saw oh there's no use talking to you i mean if you like to look upon it as a sex orgy on the high seas then it's up to you all i can say is it's just another example of the widening gulf between our generations i mean a thing like this would have been possible in your time that's true five men and five women on a boat it wouldn't have been much sailing down i can tell you sometimes you disgust me surely there are pursuits that men and women can do together without sex coming into it all i can say is it's going to be a very hard day for the world when a bird can't go mountain climbing with a bloke without being got it on a precipice it's all settled we're sailing next month i see so i'm going to be bummed into an old people's arm while you float round the world with five bits of trumpet hook into your father's slanging match with you it's all settled i've been as fair as i can i shall dispose of the business and you can have the old proceeds i don't have penny will be oh not i'll have to spend it on once i was sitting there and that home for the rest of my life playing dominoes and making handbags oh very nice i don't think i want to stay down here with you no more i think i shall go to my room daddy dad please please don't take it like this there's no need to go up yet i'm going to get some supplement don't do anything for me i couldn't eat it it did stick to me throat i don't want anything more out of you don't remember anything you're gonna make me feel bad about because my conscience is clear i could have cleared out years ago lots of blokes would've done there's one thing about this that cheers me up what's that i'll bleed a lot of you and i get drowned didn't have an hysterical month with him before i'll set sail oh yes give it quarter inch for a thousand mile it should do it yes midway island shoot the sun [Music] i got it [Music] oh what's a lovely day come on did you notice the gardens as you're coming you used to like gardening didn't you i remember the little window box who used to have oh look entertainments program tonight a recital of old english madrigals [Music] i think we have been very lucky to get you in here i hope the sharks get you now look dad don't start fancy i'm not in here someone's coming oh good morning where are you looking for somebody yes mom uh the matrix this is my father he is coming to stay here good new blood that's what we need here my name's not to be miss not to be games and extramural activities once you're settled in i'll pop along to your room to see what you're interested in see you see you at lunch [Laughter] i do believe she fancies you you had to be all right there you're going to have a bowl here good morning mr septo good morning and this is the old gentleman i'm not an old gentleman and let's get that straight for a star i'm here under protest i want all this put in me shoulder here under protest i'm sure your son is doing what is best for you i know you'll be very happy here i won't oh yes you will oh no i won't i'm a troublemaker i'm warning you i'm always ringing bells in bed time he knows that i was in the hospital and i'm choosy about me food and if i don't get what i like i i'm liable to go on hunger strike got old ladies in here haven't you yes well you better keep them locked up fresh stuff sweetheart man when you get to know him he's going around the world without a boatload of birds dirty little beasts it's quite all right mr septo i understand they're always a bit upset at first you know but he's in good hands don't worry we'll take care of him now come along i'm going to show you to your room this way that's right oh look that's very nice bags [Music] oh what a lovely little room well it's it's not quite home yet but it soon will be as soon as you put in your own little knick-knacks i've got plenty of them misses i'll have this looking like my own place in no time well i expect you want to say goodbye so uh i'll leave you alone lunch is at one o'clock shop in the main hall what did i tell you isn't it lovely oh look at the view it's quite breathtaking i think it used to belong to the rothschilds or was it the esters there's one of that more would you like me to help you uh unpack no thanks i'll do it myself oh look you've got your own little washbasin you can wash in there i know what a wash basin's for i have used one before oh well i suppose i'll better be off then uh cheerio i shall write to you there once a week yeah earn cards i shall send you cards if we drop anchor anywhere that is interesting oh well cheerio you do understand that i mean i didn't want to do it but i got to take the chance while i got it haven't i and i'll only be away for two years i'll come back and see you the minute i'll land in england i promise i don't expect i'll be here then oh don't be silly oh you've got yours in front of you yeah how it's all over there i'll try and get in and see you before we sail but i can't promise i shall send you all the money we get from the yard yes well i'll say cheerio look after yourself okay a couple of days you won't miss me at all it'll be the other way around probably yes well uh i'll say cheerio here we are so answer can't say wish me bon voyage and good luck now oh that's so hard how about you i shall be thinking of you dude all the time goodbye um [Music] so [Applause] [Music] mod oh yeah oh hi sailor where have you been hard that's come back from the china seas one of the women like up there oh that fell very fair i'll do anything for you uh barf you all over when you're having a bath oh that's very sensuous i'm going back we've got so haven't you i mean i can't stay in this country and i'll say well i've seen right yeah i'd love to see you i'm called to think i'll be off in a week after all this year and i'll believe it wonder what the rest of the crew is like hard the birds is all right how they must be oh yes skipper knows what he's doing house and i long to see you i hope i'm not seasick i thought i'm at a burka myself not far to birds seasick pills oh poor old devil his only crime is that he is old however i don't get as old as him i reckon another 20 years and i'll turn it in i shouldn't drag it out like him is i love to see you and i'm ever bound away cause the wide misery hold the miseries [Applause] demonstrator i hear we've returned your check for under a pound there's nothing wrong with that we regret having to inform you at such short notice that we have reluctantly decided not to accept your application as a crew member on our forthcoming voyage the boys and girls have been debating the problem of your age for some time now and as our average age is only 20 it is the majority view that 37 is just a little too old for us all to feel comfortable [Music] we are sure you will understand this and i hope that we have not put you to too much inconveniences yours rodney lawson brown captain [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Louis Walkden

Views: 75,616

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Id: CT1JCEPF9mE

Length: 85min 47sec (5147 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 07 2022