(Music) This is Lee with
MyExBackCoach.com and in this video, I'm
going to talk to you about stages of no contact. And what I mean by that is, is that when you are using
the no contact rule, these are the stages that your
ex will likely go through in some degree. And hopefully, they will get to a point where they want to get
back together with you or at least they're interested
in considering it, trying, and getting
in touch with you, because they want to feel
that connection again with you. Please take a second and click
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I have more videos like this that can be helpful
to your situation, and that includes videos on attraction, breakups,
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is helpful to you, please click the thumbs
up like button below as a way of saying thanks. So, I talk about this a lot
in my emergency breakup kit that you can get in
MyExBackCoach.com. But there are stages that happen in the mind of
your ex after a breakup, and the first thing that I
want you to consider is that this breakup did not happen instantly, overnight, or just
something that your ex woke up and thought that they would do. It most likely to the point
of being 90% or above was not something that
they just woke up and decided that they would
go ahead and do that day. Most likely, it was something
that they had been fighting with in their
head and in their heart for weeks, months, maybe
even years. And so, a lot of times they are
sure, they're decided and they're a brick
wall on the breakup and because it's news to you, because it's a shock to you, and a lot of times people
don't even see it coming. And so, we react in that situation a lot
of times with urgency and thinking that this
was something that came in the head
of your ex quickly and they reacted to it quickly and therefore, we can maybe
talk them out of it. But in a lot of ways, it's like
speaking with someone about those difficult issues
like politics or religion and they have been thinking
a certain way for so long that in their mind it's
unthinkable that they will change their mind based on what you said. Then yet, a lot of times
when interacting we tend to treat those people
like maybe we think we could change their mind in this
short little conversation when they've had years
and years and years of solidifying this
idea in their head and the same is
true with breakups. When you are broken up with, you are speaking with someone
who has had a long time to develop this
idea in their head based on how they feel, and it starts off
usually as something that is emotional for them and
that they have this feeling that they can't quite shake off. Maybe the spark is
tending to die off or the feelings are
not as strong, which is a fundamental
misunderstanding of love. True, but you have to accept the
person as they are in that moment and there's nothing
you can do about that in that moment. But what starts off
as an emotional feeling turns into
something logical and that they know that they
had this emotional feeling and now they are a
brick wall of logic in their mind. At least because
they know how they think and so, they can't be
swayed by your emotion because they had so long to
think about it and solidify it in their head. And so, that's why I strongly encourage you to give them the
breakup and to go into no contact because you're not effective
in that moment. You're literally outmatched at that moment. No matter how good of
a debater you are. No matter how smart you are. No matter how good of a
communicator you are. You are outmatched in that
moment because they are certain because they feel
strongly about this and have been going over it for
a while, now, are they 100%? Rarely is that the case. Usually, it's just a
majority of them but it is enough and you
have to understand that it is enough and that
they are a brick wall against your efforts
to get them back. If you go into no contact, and it's okay if you do
give them some push back right after they
breakup with you. As a matter of fact, that's
probably a good thing. That is a net good thing. If you give a little
bit of push back, but when they show that brick wall, the best thing to do is to say well, I disagree but I respect your decision, and I really wish you the best and you back off. So, if you go into no contact, there will be stages they will most likely go through and they're not always
in this order, but almost always they
are in this order. But some people don't
go through all of them and some people take longer
to start a stage than others, and so, try not to make
this into a math problem. Though a lot of this is logic
and I'm trying to speak with you in a reasonable
and logical way. A lot of this too is an
art form so to speak and like the U2 song says if they don't know what
you're doing it must be art. So, some of this is just not something you can
draw a hard line with, but in general, these principles are true
and these stages are true to the point that I
can count on them and project what will
happen in some degree based on what the
relationship was like and what the breakup was like. So, stage one of no contact is relief, which is
difficult to hear I know, but your ex will be
relieved because they didn't wanna
breakup with you. It's awkward especially if you two were close and have
been together for a while and they know that they
are going to hurt you. It's difficult for them, for
any human being with a heart who is a decent person. It's difficult to breakup with you, and even if they stay
strong, a lot of times at first, they respond
with a lot of compassion if you're begging and pleading
and try to keep talking to them. Then they become more cold. You'll notice more
direct messages that almost as though they're
trying to give you more reality whereas before maybe
they would say well, you never know
there could be a future or they'll say things where it's like they want to make it
into the so complex of a thing. You know well, I just, I just don't know if we can
be together right now. They try to convince you how badly they want it
but there's this extenuating circumstances and they really need to work
on themselves. They just give you,
it's a load of mess, it's ridiculousness it's, they're trying to create this big complicated reason and situation where they just can't be with you and
you two just can't be together because of all this
stuff and it's in their mind because they think that, that will
be easier for you to accept. Than simply that, they are not as
attracted to you as they were or emotional
attraction has fallen and they just don't
wanna do it anymore. So, don't bite on that. That oh, they really
do want me so badly but oh, it's just
so complicated. It's nonsense, it really is. They're just not confident that you will handle this well and they are trying to
make this easy on you. So, after that, they
will become mean if you do not back off. So, they're compassionate
to some degree and they're sorry that you're hurting
and they didn't wanna hurt you. Then they become
more cold and direct with what they say even if they
think it's going to hurt you and then they become mean, and they will tell you
to leave them alone or they're calling the cops. Crazy things like that to
try to get you to back off. It's like a warning shot, they're wanting you
to leave them alone. Hopefully you don't
get to that point. If you do, your only option and it was the best option to begin with, is to
go into no contact, and that's when your
ex will feel relief. Which as I said, I know
it's hard to hear, but your ex didn't wanna do this and they didn't wanna hurt you, and they have probably
been dreading it. Ever since they started
thinking about it, and so, now here they've done it, and so, when somebody
say just glad to get a difficult thing over with. They're glad they had a
difficult conversation and they're taking a breath
and they're kind of enjoying that the breakup has happened because they haven't had to
experience the real life of it yet. Everybody always wants to
know on coaching calls and some other questions
that come in by email how long does the relief
stage last of no contact. Well, I talk about some more of
this in my emergency breakup kit that you can get at
MyExBackCoach.com that's myexbackcoach.com, but basically there
is no timer on it because people are so different. However, in general terms, somewhere around a week
or two is about right as far as relief. If the breakup was difficult, if you begged and pleaded, if there was anger, if you constantly contacted
them and they did show that annoyance, that coldness,
and even that anger, then it will take longer. You may have to allow a month. Sometimes if it's really difficult
like that and there were some problems with the relationship toward the end, or
something like that. I think you know where I'm
going with that in terms of just that relief is
shorter if it was good and it kind of faded and they broke
up with you and you handled it well. A lot of you didn't handle it
well because you didn't know. This is not something
that you do. You haven't been doing this
for 20 years like I have. So, you haven't
seen all of this, if you would see this much, you would know as well. So, the relief period
can take a while. One to two weeks is generally how long it will last and during this time, it might be difficult for you
to see what your ex is doing on social media, which is why
I encourage you not to look. However, that does not
mean that you would block them. That will just make
you look immature, petty, and other
things like that, or that you are trying to get to
them, or that you are trying to make them jealous or something. Don't do it. First of all, you
should appear that you've got too much to do to take time to do that. It's not worth your time
to go block somebody on social media like
we're in seventh grade, and yes, I know some people
do it for their own good because they don't wanna see
their ex show up in their feed and I get that but, your ex is likely gonna see
it on some other platforms. So, try to find another
way not to see your ex in the feed like maybe take
break from social media or maybe be more specific about who you go check out, what they're saying
on social media, but if you can avoid it don't block your ex. I have other videos
about that and articles at MyExBackCoach.com. About why you shouldn't do that, but it's not good strategy
if you want your ex back. But if you do see
them on social media often times during relief, they will post pictures
going out with friends. It will look like they
are just so happy that they are
broken up with you and that will be painful
to see obviously. But just know that some
of that is just because they've gotten it over with and they're thinking that it's gonna be easy
for them to move on, and they're looking
forward to that. But we already know that their head and their heart
are not where we want them to be. So, don't panic. Hopefully it's temporary and if they go into the next stage
which if you are in no contact, the odds are good they will. The next stage is
where they actually notice that they
haven't heard from you, and so they become curious because usually the dumper thinks you will make an effort to get them back. In another video, I have and in the emergency breakup kit, I refer to this as the
arrogance of the dumper. And what it is, is basically
since they broke up with you and no matter what
they said about how difficult it was, and they wish they
could be with you and oh, the universe is just
conspiring against me. They thought in that moment that you weren't good enough
for them in many ways. That they were more
attractive than you, and that they were not as attracted
to you as you were to them, and so, they feel a little
bit better than you. Again, I'm wording
that harshly, but that's kind of
the basics of it. That doesn't mean that
they are a bad person at all, but we all kind of tend to think of ourselves versus other people and I'm more physically
attractive than this person and I'm smarter
than this person. I mean we all kind of do that and I don't think that we
have bad intent by doing it, but the dumper
usually feels like they are kind of the winner here. You're the one who is dismissed
and they dismissed you, and that's kind of the
mindset they have and so, they assume you
are in this lower level where you should be chasing
and trying to get them back. Because they're obviously better,
because they broke up with you. So, it's kind of
circular reasoning, and so, when you don't do that, it rocks their world sometimes. A lot of people think that,
that's just gonna happen and when it doesn't happen, they get curious. What's
going on with you? Why is she taking this so well? Why is he taking this so well? Why have they not
been texting me? Why have they not been begging
for me back or fighting for me? When what you're really doing
is respecting their decision, and they should see that, and
they do to some degree. But a lot of them has
sort of this primitive, let's call it immature even part of them that
wants to be chased even if they get to reject you. Now, I'm not saying that’s what's
gonna happen, I'm just saying early on, they kind of
feel that way that, their ego has been punched just a little bit because
you haven't chased, and so, we want them to
think that, that's fine. Let them sit there and wallow in it that you
haven't been chasing them. That you have just given
them a nothing burger, that you have just been silent. Let them wonder what you, let them wonder what
you've been up to. What you've been doing, which is what they tend to
do in the curiosity stage, and it's that mystery that
causes the preoccupation with you that you want and you need
if you want them back. Because that's what when paired
with a little bit of doubt is all it takes is a little
bit and that curiosity that they start to get into the
next stage, which is concern and in this stage, they are
concerned, and they're afraid to some degree. That they
might be losing you and the key word there
is actually might. We don't want them to think
they absolutely have. That's why I tell people
don't post pictures of you and other potential
romantic partners on social media to
try to get at your ex, or try to make your
ex jealousy, because usually that blows up
in your face because they'll see that and
they will think. Oh, well, I didn't mean
that much if they're already able to
move on like that. But at the same time,
the other extreme is as bad where you make it obvious that you can't move on yet, and that
you're miserable without them. We don’t want either
of those extremes, we want it in the middle where
they're not really sure, where there's mystery
because that's far more difficult. When
you have the answer, you are much more settled in
your mind in your emotions than you are when it's mystery. As the great philosopher
Tom Petty said, the waiting is the hardest part. The uncertainty when it hasn't happened. So, we want them to have
that mystery about you What are you doing? Why haven't you contacted me?
Are you moving on? Those are questions we want
them to be wondering about and that mystery, how many times have you heard, mystery is attractive. It is. Don't doubt it, and it is in this stage where they have
this fear of loss. This concern that they can begin to dabble
with the idea that you might not ever reach
out to them again. And that's when they actually have
to take the breakup seriously and their decision seriously, because if you are making it
easy on them by contacting them, and telling your friends
how miserable you are so that your ex finds out. That you're having a hard
time with the breakup and that you would take them
back and you want them back. That's where you
give your ex comfort and they don't have
to ever really come face to face with their
decision or worry about the consequences if they've
made the wrong decision. So, it's sort of like as I
have mentioned in other videos and in the emergency
breakup kit. If I went to Vegas and you told me Lee, you
can bet whatever you want on blackjack and I'll
cover your losses. Well, I'll throw down
$10,000 because you're the one
covering it not me. I didn't know fear of loss. I
don't have to deal with the consequences of my actions, and so, if your ex is getting
obvious messages from you, that you will take them back. That you're miserable without
them and all of that. Then you're giving
them that safety net, well they don't have to worry about
the consequences of their actions. They can keep moving
forward without you, they can go date other people. They can run all around
the world partying, and you'll be right there in case
they ever change their minds. This is really pathetic
sounding, which again, you don't want to appear
that way to your ex and so, when people
have trouble with the idea of no contact and
they think that it will help their ex move on if I
stay away from that person. It's not true, the
opposite is true. You make it easy for them, if you let them know that
you are right there. Even in cases where
the relationship was where you maybe didn't
give them the affection or the love, respect
that they needed, we're on a different
side of the coin now. Post breakup. So, don't think that
now is time to turn on the love, and the affection,
and the attention, because actually what
you show them is hey, you have to dump me before
I'll do this for you. That's not attractive. You have to re-attract
them before it becomes important to
show them the new you. That's another topic
for another time and deeply covered in my
emergency breakup kit that you can get at
MyExBackCoach.com. So, if your ex has
lost the ability to expect you to reach
out, what's next? Well, is that they realize, if I'm wrong about this, I
will lose this person. That they will lose you, and so, that's where the pressure
is on them to reach out to you, and of course like
everyone else, they have some ego,
they have some pride, and so, when they do reach
out it's not always, I messed up I want you back. Often times it's, hey how are you doing or something
like that, something casual, and I go into how to
deal with your ex after no contact in my
emergency breakup kit. But just know that it's
not always this intense reach out where they
say they messed up and they want you back,
will you take me back? Often times, they just
kind of testing the water, and they wanna feel some of that
connection because they do feel the loss, which makes them appreciate the
role you had in their life. And so, they get to
that final stage of where they can't
take it anymore, and they are in misery
in the consequences, and they reach out to you. So, the stages are relief curiosity, concern,
consequences, and that often results in
your ex reaching out to you. It's not 100%, but it works in the
majority of cases as I have observed over 20 years in the relationship
recovery service. So, don’t doubt it. Trust no contact and that
there are stages your ex must go through. You can't rush these things. A lot of times in today’s
world we just think well, if I add more
manpower, more time, more focus, we can get
anything done faster. Doesn't work that way, time is actually part
of the equation. In this situation, we want your ex looking
down and saying, wow! It's been a
month or two months since they have texted
me or reached out. They need to have
that shocking moment. They need that. So, those are the
stages of no contact. Get more information on
my emergency breakup kit. It's very strategic, it's what you
need if you wanna get your ex back, and you can get more information
about that in the link below or by going to MyExBackCoach.com. That's myexbackcoach.com for information about my
emergency breakup kit, and you can also schedule
a coaching call with me at MyExBackCoach.com. This has been Coach Lee
with MyExBackCoach.com. Thank you for watching. (Music) (Music) (Music)
