This is Coach Lee and in this video I'm
going to talk to you about how you can re-attract your ex. Click the "subscribe" button
below so that you can be notified when I have more content that's helpful to your
situation and that includes relationship dynamics, attraction, mindfulness, getting
your ex back, marriage, and relationships in general. So after a breakup, most
people panic which is the wrong thing to do because the sense of urgency that you
have when you panic will make you act as though you have to get your ex back
right away. And most people are pretty surprised when I say that you have a lot
of time to actually get your ex back and not just that you have time but that you
need time in order to get your ex back, to re-attract your ex, and to actually
change their heart so that this breakup doesn't happen again. I'll get into that
more later most people put the cart before the horse, so to speak when
they're trying to get their ex back, thinking they have to show them
something right away. Like I have to show you that I've changed from whatever it
was that caused the breakup and I've got to show you right now in order to get
you back. But put yourself in the shoes of your ex. If there was an issue and it
was an important issue and your ex had dealt with it a long time, they had had
this flaw, they had either mistreated you, they had not been thoughtful of you, they
had struggled with dependency on something be it alcohol, food, drugs or
some other destructive addiction or habit or any number of other things and
this was a struggle for them and you broke up with them and all of a sudden a
day later, three days later they fixed it. "Oh yeah, no problem anymore,
let's get back together because I fixed this." You would probably doubt it. Any
kind of extreme change like that when we're talking about something long-term,
a quick change is usually suspect. Not just that, but you also would be more
likely to think, "Well why didn't you change this while we were together if it
was that simple for you to change, that simple for you to improve or overcome?" So
it wouldn't make any sense. It wouldn't be believable you would
doubt it and that would make you actually think of this person in a
lesser light. They actually wouldn't be as attractive if you were to go to your
ex and say, "Okay, I fixed this," if it was that quick, that fast
it would seem artificial and it would also be unattractive because they would
think that you were trying so hard that you did it this quickly and that you
weren't even true to yourself in terms of taking the time to grow and change
and make a better person of yourself. They may not put it into those words or
think of it that way, but that's the feeling that would usually follow. They
would think of you as being artificial, as living for them only, living to be
whatever they wanted you to be, which is not attractive. You should live for
yourself. And you can live for another person as well, you could have a joint
life together, joint goals, but if you seem artificial as though you're just
doing whatever they want so that you can get back together, that can be very
unattractive, which is the last thing you need right now because breakups are
caused by a drop in attraction. They may give you all kinds of reasons: "I need to
work on myself. I'm not ready for a relationship right now. It's not you, it's
me." Those are all just BS. I'm just being
honest with you. You can just about insert anything there. They're saying
something to you, that they think you will not be able to
argue with because they don't want to argue about it. They don't want to have
all the drama typically associated with breakups, they don't want to see that
they've hurt you tremendously, they don't want to have to explain themselves, they
don't want you to make them feel guilty enough that they take you back, and then
they have to break up with you again and so they'll tell you something that's
just so vague and deep and spiritual sounding that you can't even argue with
it. I mean what do you say to someone who says, "I need to work on myself," which is
just such a common cop-out breakup that I hear people tell me they've been
dumped that way there's no counter to that.
You can't say anything to it. It's so personalized and vague because really, if
we're being honest, they could "work on themselves" while being with you, so
there's no reason there. It's just some bunch of BS so that they can get the
easiest breakup possible, which is what they want. The true cause, the route, the
motivation to dump you is that attraction fell. Now it can
fall because there were things going on. Any of those things that I mentioned
earlier about being inconsiderate, about maybe things aren't equal - they do things
for you, they show desire towards you, they make you feel wanted, you don't
return it ,maybe it's rudeness, poor hygiene, the need for a better haircut,
even shallow things like that, over time can cause a little bit of a drop and you
may say, "Well, I don't want to be with somebody who could lose attraction for
me that easily." Well, usually it's multiple things. It's a bunch of things
that over time build up and compound and cause an emotional drop in attraction.
You see it usually is not from a physical drop in attraction because
usually that's a temporary thing and if you have a relationship with this person
it's based more on emotional connection and companionship and a feeling of
family. Physical attraction, while important - don't discount it - it can
fluctuate, just like they all can fluctuate, but it's processed differently
and usually the emotional connection is what keeps you in the relationship, but
it can have effect on emotional attraction. That is physical attraction,
especially if they feel like you're not making an effort, you're not even trying,
you're not doing what you need to do to be fit or to look your best or to be
well-groomed or clean or well-dressed or whatever. Don't blame me, I'm just a
messenger. Sometimes it can be shallow but over time it can affect them
emotionally and it can certainly be deeper. It can be that there's become
routine to the relationship and they start to feel like you two weren't quote
"meant to be," whatever that is in their mind that they thought, "This is what my
relationship would be one day. This is my soulmate, this is what it will be like."
And it's just not happening that way because the two of you have gotten into
some sort of a rut or a groove, maybe it's bickering or arguing, but over
time things will be said that cause emotional injury. That can cause
attraction to drop as well. All the things, just about anything that you
could name, will cause a drop in attraction, primarily emotional
attraction. So whatever they tell you about needing to work on themselves, not
being ready, this has to be right, we need to break up so that we can get back
together - I've even heard that one - we need to break up so that the relationship will
be stronger. If attraction was high enough, there's no way that would happen
except if they were literally being held by law away from you or if you're young
and your parents control your finances that you were literally financially cut
off and had no way to even interact with this person. Sometimes I've even seen it
be a religious thing where the parents controlled who this person could be with
and they took it away. If it's not those things, then it's based on a drop in
attraction or they would be so attracted to you that they would be with you. It's
really that simple and you can make arguments about that and philosophy
about that all you want, but 20 years in the relationship recovery service and I
can tell you you were broken up with because attraction fell. So if you were
to try to make some drastic change quickly it would not be trusted first of
all, second of all, it would appear that you were changing yourself only for them
and not making changes for the better for you - which you should do it for you.
It's okay to have them as a motivation as well, but primarily it should be for
you. And thirdly, your ex would not be ready. I have another video that's called,
"Why Your Ex Must Be Ready," and it talks about something I'm going to share with
you briefly here but first, click the "subscribe" button below if this content
is making sense so that you can get updates when I have more content that's
helpful to attraction and relationship dynamics. So just click the "subscribe"
button below. Now, I use the reference to a cake baking in the oven a lot when it
comes to getting back together with your ex. And what I mean by that is, is that
when I was a kid and mom would make cake, I could smell it pretty quickly - within a
minute or two you can smell that beautiful sweetness that makes you think
of holidays or birthdays and you want some of that cake.
But here's the thing - it's not ready yet. It's just pudding at that point and it's
kind of nasty. So my advice to my mom, that she did not take, was just turn the
oven up as hot as it'll go and that cake will be ready in a minute. It made sense
to me because growing up, what most things in life amounted to was, if you
work hard enough, fast enough, get enough people on it and get enough tools, you can
get this thing done in a hurry. I mean houses, it used to take a year or two to
build, now we can do it in three months because we put enough people on the
project, we have enough equipment, we work day and night and we get this thing done
in a hurry. That's not true when it comes to relationships or cake. Cake you will
just burn the cake. It'll burn that quickly
or part of it'll be cooked, part of it won't, the texture won't be right - it will
not be what you want it to be. It won't be cake. And so if your ex has not had
the time they need because if they broke up with you, their heart, their mind, the
combination that makes them themselves - their soul, whatever you want to call it -
is in a place that can't be with you right now because emotional attraction
has fallen. And so part of the equation to actually improve this is time. It's
not just that these processes or processes take time, it's that time is
actually part of the recipe. Just like the cake, time and temperature are part
of the recipe. If you don't have those two right, it doesn't matter that you
have all the other ingredients right. Without the heat, it's pudding. Without
the heat at the right temperature for a right amount of time, it's a monster that
you wouldn't want to eat. And so even if this were something - whatever it is that
you think, maybe your ex gave you some reasons even though like I said those
are secondary they still need to be worked on, but they're secondary -
even if you could fix those things instantly, if there was a way that you
could make yourself more physically attractive, more emotionally attractive,
and more intellectually attractive in three days, tremendously more, the
issue would be that there hasn't been enough time for your ex's heart to be
ready to be responsive to it. And so you have to allow for that time. As a matter
of fact, sometimes when people respond too quickly after a breakup - like a lot
of times I will tell a client or someone will make a comment on my YouTube video,
"I went into no contact, three days later they contacted me wanting to get back
together. Yay!" While that's certainly good news, I
usually kind of am cautious to just throw the celebration party yet because
it can be more easily messed up at that point because this other person hasn't
had enough time on their own to learn your place in their life, to see that
they hurt when they're away from you and to not want it to happen again and to be
wise so that if things ever do go south in a bad way in the future,
that instead of leaving, they'll want to work on it because they know they want
to be with you because they experienced not being with you. That is crucial and I
tell so many people - especially those who have the attitude that, well if they
break up with me forget it, I don't ever want to be with them because they
wouldn't have broken up with me if we were meant to be together, if they really
loved me, if they were really attracted to me, if they really wanted to be with
me, and so it's just not gonna work out - that's actually not true. A lot of the
times, the best, strongest relationships come when there was a breakup because
the two people have to actually learn and experience not having the other
person and what that means, and that they want the other person in their lives
forever because no matter how wonderful your
relationship or your marriage, you will have days and times of doubt. When they
come wouldn't it be great to be able to say, "No, I've experienced being away from
them and I don't want that, I know what that's like." That
doesn't mean that you should wish for a breakup or break up with someone. Because
that actually does add more moving parts, more risk, and potentially a long-term
hurt that's difficult to get over. But I will not dismiss the clear evidence
before me from 20 years in the relationship recovery service that shows
me that relationships can be exceptionally strong when the two have
learned that lesson and when there has been time away for them to see that they
want the other person forever and they do not want being away from them. And you
may say, "Well I wish they just knew that when they were with me without having to
leave me and I get that but sometimes that's how humans learn and sometimes it
can be a beautiful thing because if they are able to go away and feel that they
must come back, they've learned something tremendous and they are less likely to
do it again because they know that the oven is hot -
maybe because they're baking a cake. So time is important. It's part of the
recipe. This is good because during this time, you can work on those things. You
see no contact and the time that you were in no contact starts to resurface
and increase the attraction that's needed for your ex to want to get back
with you. I have a video called, "The Mind of Your Ex During No Contact," and one
called, "Stages Your Ex Goes Through During No
Contact," - very important videos it would be helpful for you to watch. I will link
to it in the description below here on YouTube but basically, you going into no
contact will have an attraction- increasing effect. It will impact your ex
in that way - that's the goal, is to get attraction to go up. Now if it goes up
enough, that's the issue. Often it does and that's when they reach out, but when
they reach out, they usually are close to where they need to be - but not there yet.
And that's where it's key. So attraction has gone up because you've gone into "no
contact." Now the great thing to do here is that when you two get face-to-face
because your ex contacts you, you two speak, the idea of getting coffee
together, getting lunch, something casual comes up - sometimes the person can be
very direct and just say, "I want to get back together with you, this is
ridiculous, I'm so sorry." All kinds of things like that. Play it
slowly, say something like, "I'm open to having coffee, how about we have lunch?"
Something casual. Don't fully mirror what they're saying yet because we want them
to still feel like there's some ground to make up. We don't want to just give it
to them all at once or else they kind of feel that maybe their concern that
they were losing you was just for nothing. And we also want to keep moving
them towards you and the way to do that is to keep them chasing. And so though
you don't go away from them, you don't rush to them either. And so you stay
casual, you don't get all excited and say, "This is all that I've ever wanted, thank
you so much," you don't say anything like that. So when they do see you face to
face, which is so important because I've seen couples where they just text and
text for a few months even and it just slowly begins to fade away - you've got to
make face-to-face a priority and you also need to do something to get past
the hump and get your relationship back fully to quote "how it was before," even
though you don't want that relationship again, but I'm just saying in terms of
the status, which is not my favorite topic because sometimes people put too
much emphasis on that but it is important, don't just dismiss it as
worthless or unimportant. So when you get them face to face, if you can show them
those changes then, because you've had enough time - what a lot of people are
surprised to learn is that the 45-day mark is actually when the chemicals that
are you produced by your brain associated with separation anxiety are
actually at their highest. Now it's not right on day 45 for everybody,
somewhere around there, it can be day 38 it can be day 56 but somewhere around
there is when the separation-anxiety chemicals - so that's what's produced by
your brain that make you feel separation anxiety from this person for this person -
that's when they are the highest. So that's why I will tell people somewhere
between 45 days and 75 days are when your odds are the
highest that your ex will contact you because it gets more difficult for them usually if you stay in no contact and you make them feel the silence and your
absence and the fear of loss. That's when the odds are highest you'll hear from
them. Now between 45 and 75 days that's a great amount of time for you to be able
to make some serious changes to yourself that are improvements for you that are
needed because sometimes they're right maybe you do need to improve in this
area. Look at it and determine if your ex is right.
Usually there's something to what they say and they're actually telling you why
attraction fell. But you can't just say, "Okay, I'll fix it," and attraction will come
back quickly. That's just not how it works. One example I'll give is, what if
you were at a party and someone who was very physically unattractive to your eye
came up and started telling you that they would be the best girlfriend or the
best boyfriend you've ever had. That they would do all these wonderful things for
you, that they were a great conversationalist and all these things -
well that may be great and well and good but that doesn't mean that you instantly
become attracted to them. Physical attraction at the start is very
important and that's not the example that I'm giving right now. My point is
simply that attraction cannot change on a snap. Usually it takes time.
Physical attraction can happen right away but once attraction has fallen it
takes time for it to be able to come back. Yet another reason for that
time to be in place between you and your ex before you two meet up after the
breakup and so you can make some physical changes in 45 to 75 days. You
can lose weight, you can maybe groom yourself better, have better hygiene,
update your look, you can also make some intellectual changes in 45 or 75 days -
you can read a book, you could start learning an instrument, start a new hobby,
become a better conversationalist - there's all kinds of resources for that.
You can learn how to make more of an effort and show more concern for the
other person, show more consideration, ask them how their day was going, those kinds
of things. As far as learning how to be a better conversationalist but also
showing interest in the other person so that they feel heard
and cared about. So there's all kinds of things that you can do and I obviously
shouldn't overlook emotional health. You can do a lot for your emotional health
in 45 or 75 days. That's not entirely what this video is about but you can
start seeing a counselor, you can start seeing a minister, you can start working
on your dependency on alcohol or drugs or video games or whatever it is so that
when you two see each other, you are more attractive than you were and so then you
have this great little package of you have stayed away from them,
which has caused them to have the fear of loss, I go over these things in my
video, "Stages Your Ex Goes Through During No Contact," but your ex will see you as
being strong because you're able to stay away, they will experience the fear of
loss, they will have already been way past the relief phase or stage, and they
will see you then through the eyes of feeling more attracted than they were
but now also they are seeing something that is more attractive to them
emotionally, physically, and intellectually - as much as you can. We
should always be working to improve ourselves. Yes, I know what a lot of you
are thinking, you should be loved for who you are and I'm not suggesting
otherwise. I'm talking about attraction because human relationships are complex.
You need attraction, love, friendship commitment, a sense of family - a
relationship can't survive on just one thing but we all want to be attracted to
this person who we're with long-term, the rest of our lives, married to. If most of
us are being honest, we want the whole package. And so that's what you need to
do your best to provide because this other person who broke up with you,
they still care about you, they still love you, it just probably isn't the
passionate, romantic type of love that they want for this type of relationship.
And so that's why they have chosen to end it and in order to get that back, you
need attraction and it will be important, for as long as you want the relationship
to last, attraction will always be important. And so don't overlook it. But
the method then is no contact to raise attraction, improving yourself to raise
attraction, and then seeing them face-to- face so it can all come together. You can
get past the hump and get back into the relationship and that's really the
formula for be attracting your ex. And the areas of attraction, we have physical
attraction, we have emotional attraction, and we have intellectual attraction.
That's what attracts us to each other. Usually it starts with the eye test,
you're physically attracted to them first.
That opens the door, "Could this person be worthy of my emotional attraction and
intellectual attraction as well?" And so that first eye test, that physical
attraction is what gets us to want to explore the others, that's just kind of
how it works. You start off in a more shallow water and you wade in deeper.
Click the "subscribe" button below if this video has been helpful to you and give
it a thumbs up if it's been helpful to you. My Emergency Breakup Kit is
extremely powerful if you've been broken up with, it walks you through the process
of getting your ex back. I've linked to that in the description below. It's
called the Emergency Breakup Kit and it's the culmination of my 20 years in
the relationship recovery service. Again hit the "subscribe" button below if this
video has been helpful to you. This has been Coach Lee and as always, thank you
for watching.
