Psychology of No Contact Rule on Dumper or Ex

this is coach lee and in this video i'm going to talk about the psychology of no contact on the dumper take just a quick second and click the subscribe button below so that you can be notified when i have more videos like this that help in getting your ex back being more attractive mindfulness and success in relationships so i talk a good amount about what goes on in the mind of your ex while you're using the no contact rule and after a breakup in general and i have other videos on this topic so some of this will be a review but it will be an important review because it's vital that you underscore this in your mind that you remind yourself of what you're doing and why you're doing it and that you familiarize yourself as much as possible with the details of the strategy that's going to help you feel better and give you the best chance of getting your ex back after a breakup and using the no contact rule is really just the beginning because a lot of you who comment on my channel and send emails or who i've done coaching calls with tell me how difficult it is during no contact and you're just barely scraping by emotionally through the day to get to the end of the day and then the night is difficult and you're praying for daylight and i want to help get you past that to where you can feel more normal while using no contact and you can feel like that you're living a happy life even though you want your ex back and i get that a lot of you being heartbroken that's difficult to understand and it will take time it's not something you're just going to wake up and feel better about i have videos on anxiety after a breakup and i have videos on how you can have encouragement during the no contact rule i'll link to those in the description below and you can always get more of these free resources at myxbackcoach.com so the psychology of the no contact rule and how it impacts the person who dumped you is of vital interest to you right now it matters you wonder about it and i don't expect you to try to hide that and to have the perfect mindset to where you don't even care what your ex is doing that's not realistic it's something that can become too much where you can just become obsessed with it but for the most part i get that you're going to think about them quite a lot and wonder how this is affecting them if it's affecting them and also just simply to wonder what's going on in their world people mistakenly refer to the no contact rule and call it playing hard to get or playing some other game when it's really not no contact is really a mature reaction a mature response to someone who's told you that they don't want you in their life anymore at least that's what they think now here's where the psychology of no contact really comes into play because they are basing what they think and what they feel which obviously those are connected in many ways they are basing that on something that is not reality and that is when your ex breaks up with you your ex has control and you've heard me talk about it before if you've seen my other videos your ex has control and you are at their mercy and so by begging and pleading you are responding as though your ex is your dictator because they have total control and power and so since you don't have any you're just begging you're begging for crumbs you're begging for mercy on the other side of the coin the person the ex who is in the role of a dictator does not relate to the person begging even if they've been in that position before even if they've been in a relationship where they were broken up with at that moment they don't relate to you very well because you in many ways are becoming a nuisance and i know that's hard to hear but here's why it's important that you know why it has nothing to do with you or your personality or who you are it has to do with the fact that this person does care about you in other words the more that you get on their nerves after a breakup the more that they want you to stay away from them not in every situation but usually it means they care about you and you're thinking how in the world could someone want me to stay away from them because they care about me it almost sounds like some of those silly excuses they give you it's not you it's me i need to work on myself it's nonsense it's really just an excuse so that you can't argue with the breakup because they want it to be easy they want you to both be unscathed to where you can just walk away and pretend that it feels good and that you have this mutual understanding that they want to break up but it doesn't hurt you much you just kind of take it in stride and allow them to walk away without any guilt or twinge inside of them thinking that they've hurt you it's fantasyland unless you just didn't care about them in which case i'd be wondering why you're watching this video but they want you to stay away from them because they don't want to be reminded that they hurt you that you were hurting now the problem is is that it's an immature form of caring about someone for example a child might not want his parent to hurt i heard a story about a little boy who left some toys out and his mother tripped over the toys and fell and hurt herself and as he told me the story he said it was like i realized for the first time she was human she wasn't just an adult and to a child a lot of times adults are larger than life and tougher than nails and they can take any kind of stress or pain and just be fine it's as though adults don't really hurt but he realized in that moment that his mother was human therefore she could hurt and he didn't like it he wanted her to stop crying her pain was painful to him now to some degree that's what your ex feels because they don't want you to be hurting because it hurts them but there's also an immaturity to it an out-of-touch way of looking at it because they just want it to be easy for them to walk away and you would actually serve yourself best and give yourself the best chance of getting back together with them if you let them walk away that doesn't mean that you don't push back a little bit at first and tell them i think we're great together i think this is a mistake but if that's what you want i'm going to give it to you i understand most people haven't seen these videos until after they've been broken up with and so they don't know to do that but a lot of times instinctively they will push back some sometimes it's too much but if you get a hold of it at some point find one of my videos or you get my emergency breakup kit you learn how to handle this a lot of times you still have a chance you still have a shot at this and what no contact does is it makes them experience this outside of the role of being the dictator as long as they think you are easily gotten back that they can snap their fingers get you back that all they have to do is text you and say you know what change my mind let's get back together that you would just say okay no problem that's what they think when they break up with you because they assume since they're breaking up with you that you're the one who wants them but that they don't want you which really throws sparks at their ego makes them feel super sexy and attractive even though that's hopefully not their intent if it is then they are full on narcissistic but most people that's not their intent but they still get the ego stroke the ego boost it's like a rocket launch for their ego to break up with you which ought to sober you in terms of how you look at this person right now they are in many ways an ego maniac because they literally think you could be gotten back at any second because they were the ones from their high horse breaking up with you you're the one who still wanted the relationship poor you doesn't feel good to know that's how another person views you and it does not help you in your efforts and your desire to get back together with them for you to allow that dynamic to continue and so that's what we have to do we have to break the dynamic pull them out of the role of being the dictator who has the power and you being the lowly serf subject to them begging to keep your family's land or your income or whatever begging for mercy because you have no power we've got to eliminate that dynamic and how do you do that the no contact rule it's a great place to start because what it does is stops the begging stops the pleading and it stops their movement away from you now you may think but they don't want to be with me why would they start moving back toward me it's not so much at the beginning that they all of a sudden just want to be back with you or that they stop moving away from you emotionally mentally because they want to get back together with you that's not what i'm saying what i'm saying is if no one is chasing you there's no need to run and so this person does not have to emotionally distance themselves further from you because you've called truce you've backed off you're not chasing you're not the pursuer you are not the begging subject to the dictator and so they don't have that role anymore of rejecting your requests for mercy that's how it starts and i have a video called stages your ex goes through during no contact where i break down the specific stages i will link to that in the description below watch this video all the way through before you go watch that video because the more you know the better don't just rush through these videos or articles at my expat coach.com and don't just rush through the modules in my emergency breakup kit you really want to understand this because you will have days of doubt and i talk to people who i know are in your shoes and you're feeling the same thing where you just can't stand it and you think you have to contact them because it feels like interacting with them having some sort of intimacy with them even if it's just a basic conversation that you can actually do something that you can rattle the cage and make something happen and a lot of times you'll even say i just want to see if they're okay check the obituaries and if you don't see their name there they're okay as a matter of fact you probably should hope that they're not okay you should hope that they start missing you and that's what no contact is intended to do because it takes them out of the dynamic of being the dictator and now they have to come face to face with the possibility the consideration that you could move on and that's the beauty of no contact because since you're not playing a game you actually become somewhat stronger and it will take time but you become a little bit stronger and there are things that happen and this coming from someone who prides himself on being very logical and analytical is sometimes a little bit difficult for me to just come out and say but it's true when you become stronger inside of you things just seem to happen it's like the earth just moves under your feet and it's difficult to explain i do have a video called how the law of attraction can help get your ex back and there's definitely something there however it's subtle which means you don't obsess over it and think that you can just conjure up your ex coming back to you by sitting in a room for hours thinking about how wonderful it would be to have your ex back it does not work that way and you actually become more in tune with the law of attraction when you focus inwardly on being stronger and focus on other people and friendships and family and the feelings of being cared about and loved by them because love is the most powerful force in the universe so that's some of that profound and mystical stuff that maybe is not best for this video but if you want to check that video out it's called how the law of attraction can help get your ex back and there's definitely something there and you will most likely experience it or have at some point in your life but when you actually put the possibility into the universe by not contacting your ex it causes a chain of events in the mind of this person first being why are you not begging why are you not reaching out and asking me to take you back after i broke up with you because remember they're on a high horse of feeling attractive they feel beautiful handsome sexy wanted by you but they're the ones who tossed you aside so they put you lower on the scale and when you don't act like you're lower on the scale it makes them wonder if you're not lower on the scale because someone who's lower on the scale would only be able to beg for mercy right because that other person's above and so they don't have any bargaining chips they can't say look at me i'm attractive too you should want me which is what an attractive person would not say because attraction is you don't have to be convincing you don't have to say look at me a little bit longer and i'll start to look better that's not how it works you are either attractive or you are not and it's not all physical it's emotional and intellectual and all of it can become more attractive i have other videos on that and i've written articles on that at my ex backcoach.com but the first step is to act like an attractive person and you may have to act like it at first if you don't feel very attractive because you've been dumped i get that but an attractive person would not be beating down the other person's door think of a very attractive celebrity would he be begging or pleading no would she be begging or pleading no they would be confident in their own attraction and that's where no contact comes in because your ex will see that and say this person is not reaching out to me perhaps they are more attractive as a whole physically emotionally intellectually than i thought they were and again because your ex is in this drunken stupor of having dumped you they feel they are superior even good people wonderful people who don't have massive egos will feel this way and so you get them to look at the situation from a more neutral standpoint instead of being above you and that's where it all begins and the rest of it can often be a downhill road and that things happen faster because they start to not just wonder why you're not trying to get back together with them but what in the world you actually are doing is there someone else are you fascinated with your passion and life to the point that you're not even thinking about them are you out having fun with friends those things whereas they might not inspire jealousy right away they can as your ex becomes more preoccupied with it day after day night after night of not getting a text from you their phone vibrates they go to their phone it's someone else it actually creates a little bit of disappointment it's not a ton right away but it is enough to push on the forces that need to happen and need to be there to get them moving in the right direction because next and if you watch the video stages your ex goes through during no contact i'll talk about how they go from that relief stage into that curiosity stage and curiosity becomes concern because if you could move on and that's what they're learning another video i have is called teach your ex this after they break up with you and they are learning you can stay away and if you can stay away it means you can move on so you don't just lower them on that totem pole of attraction to where they should be from that artificial high of the breakup but you actually also raise your level because someone who can stay away someone who's attractive if you feel like you have other options which you may not right now and i get that but we want your ex to think you do we want your ex to believe that you have other options and they will think of course they do because they're attractive whereas just a few weeks ago or days ago they didn't think you were so attractive but you showed them otherwise and so your ex goes down this rabbit hole of mysteries because silence is the ultimate mystery there's not nearly as much power in the answer because the answer is the conclusion you have the answer that well there's nothing left to search you have the mystery you will keep searching and thinking wondering feeling trying to figure it out trying to find the answer and you're the answer and you're not reaching out to them so they don't have any information so they have to seek you out which is why a lot of you will say what do i do when my ex likes a post on facebook you do nothing what do i do with my ex comments on facebook to something i said or posted unless it's a direct message you do nothing when it's a direct message you don't ignore them i have videos where i talk about that but the bottom line is is that the no contact rule does have psychological impact on your ex and you should trust it when your ex has had a break from the relationship and they've been able to look at it more clearly and they realized you could stay away you're more attractive than they thought you could be moving on all of those things that's when they have to actually see the breakup for what it is and that's when they can really know if they really want it because before they broke up with you it was just conceptual they want to break up with you they see this future without you that they walk off into happily that's again because they feel superior in some ways they take you for granted in some ways let them be without the relationship you don't know what you have until it's gone so let them worry that it could be gone that they could want you and not be able to get you back that's where we want them to get we want them sitting on their couch one night thinking they could want you they could change their mind and you would not be able to be gotten it is when they hit that bottom that you are more likely to get that text that you've been wanting and so i encourage you to get my emergency breakup kit where i walk this out even further and i go into some of the intricacies of how this could work watch some more of my videos subscribe to this channel leave a comment the best thing you could do though stay away stay in no contact and trust that it will work on your ex and that it will take time but that you understand that and by watching these videos you're more comfortable with that you understand that just like a cake in the oven it isn't ready instantly and you can't make it cook faster by turning up the heat you will just burn the cake but time as it ticks down is what finishes the cake i hope you all have delicious cakes finished in the oven i really do it doesn't always work that way but the no contact rule gives you the best chance take a quick second and click the subscribe button below and get more information on my emergency breakup kit with the link below or by going to myexbackcoach.com this has been coach lee and as always thank you for watching [Music] you

Channel: Coach Lee

Views: 249,265

Rating: 4.9255815 out of 5

Keywords: no contact rule psychology, psychology of no contact rule, psychology behind no contact rule, psychology of no contact on male dumper, psychology of no contact on female dumper, no contact after breakup psychology, coach lee

Id: GrKtsMtPRZs

Length: 20min 13sec (1213 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 12 2020