What To Do When Ex Breaks No Contact and Reaches Out

[Music] this is coach lee and in this video i'm going to talk to you about what to do when your ex breaks no contact and reaches out take a quick second and click the subscribe button below so that you can be notified when i have more videos like this and that includes videos on relationship dynamics dating mindfulness marriage and breakups i also am going to be talking a lot about overcoming anxiety in future videos so hit that subscribe button if that's something that's important to you when your ex reaches out after they've broken up with you if you're wanting to get back together with them it's a very exciting moment it often feels like victory you think i've got them back i have finally reached that point and if you've been watching my videos and you're doing no contact then you think it worked no contact worked my ex has broken no contact and reached out to me things will just be wonderful from here on moving forward that's what it feels like and then it kind of hits you what do i do what do i say how do i not mess this up and that's where it's tricky because sometimes an ex reaches out because they are 100 percent in realization that they want you back they have learned from the experience they missed you they realized that if you move on that that would be a negative and a lot of the attraction they felt for you has been able to come back around because appreciation has improved because value has gone up they figure that you can change and even if you don't sometimes they realize your place in their life and they want you back a lot of times they reach out and that's what's behind it completely other times they're not there yet maybe they're just in a stage where they're kind of wondering if you're getting too far away or if you're starting to move on and so they just want to see they want you to bail them out they want you to make them feel like this breakup no big deal they can get you back whenever they want you're not going to go anywhere so they know you're just kind of in the pocket you're just back up and they can continue with the breakup and not have to worry about it not have to worry that maybe it was a mistake they don't have to think about it being a mistake if there's no danger of losing you there's no consequences what does it matter what the actions are it's sort of like continually bailing someone out when they're financially irresponsible what motivation do they have to be responsible with their spending to save money to plan there's no motivation there there's no reason to change because they have someone who just keeps giving them money keeps bailing them out and the same is true in a situation of a breakup if your ex thinks that they can just get you back at any second it gets further tricky in that you can't just tell them hey you won't be able to get me back just any time you know and you won't be able to say i could move on i could just move right on and you wouldn't be able to get back together with me when you realize that this was just a big mistake you can't say that either it sounds manipulative it's almost a little bit comical because at the moment your ex is thinking i don't want to get back together with you and so hearing that especially when they think you're trying to say it just to see if you can get them to freak out and want to get back together sounds manipulative who is going to be manipulative it's going to be someone who wants to get back together who doesn't want the breakup and so your ex who broke up with you is thinking well they still want to get back together with me because they're trying to manipulate me so i don't have anything to worry about i don't have any consequences to fear because i can undo this in a moment's notice so they are not going to get to the stage or the stages that they need to get to in order to want to move towards you to want to reach out to want to get back together they are not going to get to that point of realization that they must get to because they're not having to experience the negative consequences they're not having to feel the correct kind of pressure they're not having to see reality because they're not even living in reality they're living in a world where whatever they did right wrong or indifferent has no consequence they can break up with you and then get you back break up with you and get you back that's what they think you may be thinking no i wouldn't do that i wouldn't just let them keep breaking up with me and getting back together we're not even going that far because they're not necessarily even thinking that far but it's more of an absolute concept in their brain where they think in principle they can break up with you and get you back if they ever wanted to because they are more attractive and they just have you sitting on standby that's how it feels so that's what we're up against and if that ever comes under doubt in their mind if that foundation that consequence-free breakup if the ground of that ever begins to crumble beneath their feet a little bit they'll reach out just to see how you respond they'll test you they will give you something small some people might call it breadcrumbs to see if you react as though you've just been given everything you've ever wanted that's where it's dangerous that's where it's tricky that's why you might have heard me say they reach out don't ignore them but be calm in other words don't freak out and get emotional and i i can't believe i'm hearing your voice again i've dreamed of this moment for weeks or months that kind of thing and you're not going to start talking about getting back together yet you're just going to be casual polite a little bit vague and show just a little bit of reservation because you should this person broke up with you and they should not be able to just get you back like that there should be some reservation there should be some hesitation to where you're going to take your time see how you feel you're going to try to get a handle on if you believe this or not because it could just be that they want you to give them solid ground again so that they feel like they can just continue with the breakup i mean they literally could be calling you so that you will let them continue with an easy stress-free consequence-free breakup and it's disguised as them reaching out and wanting to get back together with you because that's what you think it is so it's important to realize that just because they reach out to you it does not mean they want to get back together at least not at that moment now it is a good sign because if they are reaching out to you you at least know that they are having some doubt that the ground beneath them is a little bit weaker than it was it could just be that they are wondering about it that they're a little concerned about it but either way it's still better than if they weren't reaching out at all so it's still positive but you do need to show that reservation you do need to let them earn you back a little bit they should have to earn you back a little bit so that one answer i even tell people if your ex was to say would you go back together with me or do you want to get back together i actually don't suggest that you just say yes or that you just give that all back what i suggest you do is is say something like this say well i'm open to that but i want to move slowly you see that way it's not that you are just flat out rejecting them because rejection is a funny thing just like ignoring them is a funny thing the responses are not nearly as good if you ignore this person and i talk about that quite a bit and even get a little bit upset about that because people get bad advice and they're told to ignore their ex you know you're going to do the no contact rule because you want to get back together with your ex but then if they reach out to you ignore them that's not a good idea because there are lots of people when you ignore them they make assumptions because they don't have anything to go on and a lot of times that assumption is you don't want to get back together and it's over and they sometimes if they're a strong person they just say you know i just have to accept that i messed up and i've lost this person i've come to my senses now but it's too late i just have to find a way to move on and they won't contact you again even though they're hurting they'll think there's no point because they'll ignore me so i might as well just move on with my life and if that's okay with you if that's okay that your ex moves on with their life then you can ignore them but if you're wanting to get back together with them ignoring them is not the answer now the other extreme as i've already said is not the answer either jumping up and down getting all excited asking them if they've come up with any more names for your future children those things are not good either like i said you're reserved you need to make sure this moves slowly because you don't want this person to only be using you to keep the breakup easy and to make sure they don't have to endure the consequences of their actions so that's important but you don't want to go extreme either way you don't want to just take them back all at once and be excited about it and you don't want to shut them down or ignore them or reject them because some coaches have even said reject them the first time they ask for you back yeah that'll show them because a lot of people again you reject them a lot of people especially if this is a strong person they're gonna say that's what it is that's what the consequence is they don't want me back and i'm not going to be rejected again i will just have to find a way to move on and they may go through a very difficult time because they want you back but they think that the answer is absolute now is everyone that way no some people may try again do you really want to risk that i don't think that you do i don't want you to risk that because whenever there's risk that means there's a certain percent chance that it will not work out the way you want it to and this person if they want you back then you've gotten what you wanted from the no contact rule so rather than put up a wall to keep them out you should just give them enough just keep something in front of them so to speak and that's what you do when you are reserved and you move slowly you don't give it back to them all at once they do have to feel they keep striving that they do have to kind of earn it back and that gets the best results because they don't feel like that oh this concern was for nothing because i could have just gotten them back in a second but they also don't feel like it's completely over which some people simply find a way to move on after because they see it as pointless if they're just going to get rejected or ignored no matter how bad they want it there's no point in even trying i talk about this a lot more in my emergency breakup kit as far as maybe exact responses to some questions that your ex might ask and i have another video about types of questions you shouldn't ask your ex if they want a face to face and that kind of thing and you feel really compelled and curious about these things and you want to get answers to these questions but sometimes they're really not questions you should ask because they actually suggest certain things that can push your ex away talk about that in that video which is called questions you should not ask your ex and i will link to that in the description below i'll also link to my emergency breakup kit where i talk about a lot of how you respond to an x and interact with an x after a breakup and i'll also link to my emergency breakup kit in the description below where i talk about how you interact with an x and how you respond to an x after a breakup i'll link to that in the description below take a quick second click the subscribe button below so that you can be notified when i have more videos like this that includes videos on relationship dynamics breakups marriage mindfulness and anxiety another thing that your ex might do is they might actually tell you i'm not sure but i think i want to get back together but i want to take things slow and i'm open to getting back together it's like the exact thing that i suggested you say sometimes you will actually hear it from them and i talk about this my emergency breakup kit which i will link to in the description below about how to interact and how to respond to your ex in this type of situation but basically you have to make sure that you are not moving faster than them and you have to make sure that they believe that what they were concerned about is still true and i'm not saying that you lie to them or manipulate them or present false information but you need to do this for you because you've got to show respect for yourself and after someone breaks up with you you owe it to yourself to move slowly to question this to make sure this is what you really want that you really want to get back together with them and if that's what they say to you that they're not sure but maybe you know that kind of thing and they're meeting with you to say that or they're contacting you to say that a lot of times they're wanting you to say something like well i'm certain but i'll i'll let you move slowly because i'm certain and i know you're not and i'm willing to do whatever i need to do to get you back and so it's tricky because it sounds like they're moving towards you and they are but they're also still wanting a bailout and so in some ways it's almost like they're saying hey i want to get back together but i also want you to bail me out just in case i don't want to get back together so i can go back to the breakup and i have to worry about this anymore because i know i could get you back and so they're giving you a little bit of both it's a pretty tricky thing to do and they may not be doing it on purpose they are literally feeling something and they're just wanting you to fix it and so they wouldn't even put it into those words your ex would not say hey i'll just go get a face to face with them and make sure i can get them back at any moment they wouldn't even think of it in those words it's more of a feeling it's a concept inside of them and they just know that if you were to show interest again they'd feel better and so they reach out and this explains why a lot of you in comments on my channel emails that you send me you will talk about how your ex reaches out things seem like they're moving on well like you're getting exactly what you wanted and then your ex just slowly backs away or in an instant backs away and you don't hear from them and it's like what do i do then well i talk about that in my emergency breakup as well but the key is is that you don't want to get ahead of them you don't want to seem like you are more interested than them and so sometimes they will even come to you not fully wanting to get back together they kind of think they do they're not sure but it's enough to where they might even say it and it's so it looks like that they are meeting you halfway that they want to get back together just as much as you do and so it seems like there's no problem with you agreeing and so that you two are saying the same thing but they were using that simply to get you to bail them out the recurring theme in this video is that your ex could be reaching out to you so that you will bail them out so that's why you need to be careful so i hope that you can keep these things in mind i hope you'll check out my emergency breakup kit in a link in the description below subscribe so that you'll be notified when i have more videos like this i will also be linking to my tip jar if this video was helpful to you you can leave a tip in the amount that you think equals what you've received this has been coach lee and as always thank you for watching [Music] you

Channel: Coach Lee

Views: 368,297

Keywords: what to do when my ex breaks no contact, what to do when my ex reaches out, what to do when your ex breaks no contact, what to do when ex boyfriend breaks no contact, what to do when ex girlfriend breaks no contact, how to respond to ex when they reach out, how to respond to ex when they break no contact, what to say when ex asks to get back together, when ex wants to meet, what to do if your ex breaks the no contact rule, what to say when an ex breaks no contact

Id: R5A30Xmv43c

Length: 16min 52sec (1012 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 01 2021