When Your Ex Realizes The Breakup Was A Mistake

[Music] this is coach lee and i'm going to talk to you about when your ex realizes they made a mistake click the subscribe button below so that you can be notified when i have more videos like this that includes videos on relationship dynamics marriage mindfulness attraction and breakups most people are too absolutists when they cling onto statements made by their ex i'll give you an example if you're watching this video you have been broken up with most likely and you're wanting to get your ex back at one point your ex probably told you i will never leave you i'll always love you we'll get married we'll be together forever something like that the equivalent to that if those weren't the exact words and you will make a mistake often of almost presenting that to them in sort of a gotcha moment as though it's a contract said you'd always love me so you can't dump me sorry it feels right in the moment because you're actually saying why did you tell me this i held on to this and now it's being yanked out from underneath me so it's more of an emotional statement than a contractual one or a logical one because we know that sometimes things change unfortunately and if your ex told you something like that like they would always love you they would never leave you and then they did you realize that well something changed but it takes you a while to realize that and you kind of push at them about that you almost feel like if you can just have a good talk with them you can remind them of what they said you can sort of checkmate them with that where they have to stay with you but later on it's interesting because you will often turn to another statement which was said at the breakup something like we should see other people we should break up it's not you it's me i don't see us getting back together things like that and we will treat those as an absolutist statement as well my ex said we're never getting back together therefore it's over they're not coming back or my ex said that there's no chance that we'll get back together so it's over when the best thing that you can do for yourself is to realize that your ex has changed from one to the other which means they can change back now i realize there's some problems with that that you could say well i don't want someone who just constantly goes from one to the other of course not and with the right relationship dynamics and two people working on themselves in the relationship you can prevent that from being the case but let's handle one problem at a time and that problem is you want your ex back and you want to know what it's like when they realize they want you back as well so it doesn't always happen and i'm going to say that again it doesn't always happen but a lot of the time especially if the relationship was good and your breakup response was not just awful it happens that your ex realizes they made a mistake that the breakup itself was a mistake and this comes from them doubting it which often comes when they are concerned that you could move on and they could lose you so you stayed away and they were able to get past the relief stage which happens when they get over the hump of the breakup they didn't want to do it it was awkward it was painful they knew they were hurting you it wasn't something that they looked forward to unless they are very sick in which case you don't want them back and you need to just move on with your life knowing you are much much better off but if they are a normal healthy person and they care about people in general and care about you because they had a relationship with you they didn't want to hurt you and so they get over the hump of the breakup and they feel relieved they got the breakup over this is what they wanted now they can ride off into the sunset maybe find someone else or just get to experience being single for a little bit they don't even know most of the time they just know there's relief they feel like they got it over with and you let them get through that because you don't contact them now most of you are thinking uh-oh i get it maybe you delayed their relief period for a bit i talk about this in my video stages your ex goes through during no contact but if you broke no contact then you delayed them a little bit but eventually you went into no contact you allowed them that relief and they get into those other stages and they realize that if they wanted you back it might not just be a simple text message or call to get you back which is what they think right after the breakup because dumpers are pretty arrogant it's quite the ego stroke even though again it's not something that they enjoyed doing but they feel like a supermodel walking away from you because they were the ones to break up with you that means they're more attractive that means they're sexier that's kind of how it feels even though your ex may be a great person who's not arrogant and wouldn't feel that way that's how they feel because they put themselves in that position by being the one who broke up with you and so when they get to this point where they're able to look back at some period of time it has to kind of register logically which is why i usually tell you 30 days is not enough and people will say okay coach lee i got it the 30 day no contact rule which is something i have never said except to say i don't believe in the 30 day no contact rule some exes come back after 30 days but for most it's not enough it's going to need to be 45 days or more usually more like two and a half months but they need a period of time where they can look back because it occurs to them they haven't heard from you they haven't gotten a text from you they haven't gotten a call from you and how long has it been i'm just going to check my phone it's been 50 days it's been 30 days it's been 40 days at this point it's unlikely that they would just automatically reach out to you if they did then it's going to be casual kind of a hey what's up type of thing there's just going to be a little bit of a touching base like what's going on because they're a little bit curious they're testing the water a little bit now you may think so i shouldn't respond right no not saying that you ignore them because when they reach out to you and you respond casually but politely but you don't initiate that's what really sets them in the right direction because that's something just like breaking up with you that puts them higher on the attraction totem pole being the one to initiate and then not hearing from you for a few days where you don't initiate back that's something that can lower them a little bit because now they've become the one who is pursuing you even if it's just casual even if it's just a casual conversation sort of like maybe you have that friend and you feel like you're always the one to text them and maybe you have a little conversation but they don't initiate texts it doesn't feel great does it and you kind of wonder if you mean as much to them if your friendship means as much as their friendship means to you the same thing happens here so the powers are not initiating ignoring them can really just pat them on the butt and send them them the path of moving on from you i know other coaches say to ignore them but i would have to ignore 20 years and thousands of cases to tell you that and i would have to hate you and want you to hurt to tell you that so i'm not going to tell you that i'm going to say don't ignore them because if they're reaching out to you you're making progress you're getting what you want and that your ex is talking to you again they're reaching out to you there's some interest there they're testing the water because unless your ex since they've realized that maybe you're not the easy get back they thought you were that they can't just break up with you walk away and then change their minds and get you back really simply and easily that maybe that's not quite how it is they're going to ease in a little bit because they realize they can't get you back right away so it's not going to be i have messed up i've made an awful mistake please please consider taking me back that's unlikely it happens yes in a small percentage of the time but usually like most normal human beings they're going to start with something like how have you been doing that's a fairly normal way of reaching out and so the idea that you have to just have some epic statement of desperation begging for you back or you're not going to respond is ridiculous if your ex is even a remotely mature person they're going to start with something casual to see if you even respond to them and they're going to try to wade into this and see if they can gauge whether or not you're open to getting back together and so ignoring them stops progress makes them think maybe they can't get you back and for some people especially if there's been some time a cushion between the breakup where it's been a while like i say it usually is then that can be interpreted by them as that this is just over you want to give them just enough to keep them coming like an appetizer starvation but you want them to feel some slow progress you want to show reservation that's when they can feel they have to earn you back a little bit which is appropriate because they should they're the ones who tossed you aside and you should have some reservation you should be uncertain but open and that's even a good way to tell them if they were to say directly what do you think about getting back together i suggest instead of saying yes absolutely that you say i'm open to it but i just want to take things slowly because if they get you back all at once it's like buyer's remorse all that build up and then it's anti-climatic because it was just easy yeah sure no problem they can just casually get you back that's not what you want either but in that moment where your ex realizes and i mean deeply realizes not just suspects that the breakup was a mistake but internalizes that moment in time and says to themself this was a mistake there are multiple negatives that happen inside of them fear is one of them where they begin to wonder if they could even get you back they realize now they've made a mistake could they get you back or have you moved on or will you just be so upset at them that you won't take them back have they messed this up themselves did they give you away and so now they are in a position where they are depending on your mercy which is quite the flip of the tables and so they look back on it and yes they were right you have not tried to get them back since maybe your early response you have been in no contact which they're not thinking about the no contact rule and people will ask what if they know i'm doing the no contact rule well they can't know for sure they can only guess which can actually sort of drive them crazy a little bit all they know is they haven't heard from you and they can look and see just to verify it's been this long there has been no pursuit there's been no reach out from this person have i blown it to the point i can't get them back have i messed this up and given this away and your ex feels the latter slipped beneath them on that totem pole to where now you are the one who is more attractive who's sought after and this puts them in a completely different position yet another reason why they will usually ease into this because there's some intimidation there they realize they've made a mistake and now the power is in your hands will you be someone who's vengeful will you be someone who doesn't forget and so you're not even interested in trying to move forward because you still feel that pain and so you've made it into something where they have hurt you and so your response is leave me alone instead of let's work through this which is interestingly enough a lot of you have probably wondered why they won't work through something and so these tables just turn in epic fashion and your ex is laying there night after night if they haven't decided yet to reach out to you hating themselves thinking this relationship was so much better than i realized you don't know what you have until it's gone but thinking they could lose you having to relive moments that you two shared where they got to see the most attractive version of you because again the no contact rule saves you from yourself in that at the moment if they broke up with you you were your least attractive because the totem pole thing i mentioned but also because of the build up to that where attraction fell to the point they felt like they had to break up with you attraction was low and so trying to keep yourself in their life is just putting the least attractive version of yourself in front of them constantly and i talk about this in my emergency breakup kit that you can get more information to in the link below it's called the emergency breakup kit but that basically what happens is that when you try to stay in their lives you're keeping the least attractive version of yourself front and center and so you're just reminding them why they want the breakup it's when you back away and leave them alone that their brain will replay memories the two of you have even if they're not fond of you at the moment and they're convinced they don't want to be back together the brain doesn't understand sudden absence and so memories will resurface that are not purposeful they're not sitting down saying i'm going to go down memory lane today with my ex it just happens because their brain is trying to fill in that spot because you used to be there and you're not they used to have conversations with you they used to have intimacy with you they used to see you and you're gone the brain doesn't understand that and it will fill in the gaps with these memories of when you were more attractive because they were with you months years ago and so you're getting the benefit of that more attractive version of yourself it's like taking the tired player out of the game and putting in some fresh legs to use a sports reference and you're letting this other person do the work for you while you're working on yourself to get back to where you were and even better not just to get your ex back but for you and so in conversations that i've had with people who did the dumping and now they want their ex back and they don't know what to do because there's not really a playbook for this you can't open up some scripture somewhere and it says and lo when you have dumped this person and realize your error you should contact them and beg them to take you back that's not out there and people tend to think that well they broke up with me they ought to figure it out do you want to play a gotcha game or do you want to get back together with this person it's going to take a little bit of give and take from your side as well and they're not going to reach out to you necessarily with a perfect take me back please message it's unlikely to happen twenty percent of the time maybe the other times eighty percent they're going to ease into it so realize that that if they reach out it's a good sign because something's missing the worst thing you could do is rush it second worst thing you do is be too cold and not let it move fast enough you want it to move a little bit but in these conversations i've had with people who did the dumping a lot of times they'll even say i was so stupid they get it but in these situations so much of the time they don't know what to say and when i suggest you should just reach out and tell them you're sorry you made a mistake would they please consider taking you back a lot of times that sounds crazy to them and i usually say it so that just reaching out seems a little bit easier to them but that's what usually they want to do is just reach out and kind of see how you're doing you doing all right what's going on now sometimes they just want to see if you're still there on the hook if you're still in the game and that's a little tricky because if you don't respond to them you can lose them you can make them think that you have moved on i mean who wants to be just flat out rejected continually by texting and not getting a response who's going to do that so that's a risk but the other risk is is that they kind of feel like okay you're there so i don't have to worry too much but you go into sort of phase two of no contact in that you don't initiate and they will notice that that's where the power is in phase two and sometimes it can be stagnant it can take longer than you want it to i understand that but just know you kind of have to work your ex through the next level where they have that concern but it's not to the point where they really feel like if they don't get you back they could lose you the not initiating part where they can go a week or two and realize if i don't say something i'm not hearing from them that's where some of that power is so just keep that in mind this is not always perfect it's not always clean and simple but once your ex gets to that point where they fear they could lose you and that they've made a mistake that's where things can really be good and a lot of times it's a matter of time i have a video called no contact and the power of time be great for you to watch because it talks about how time is on your side even though it feels like they're getting away from you time is usually on your side and i know that it's not always not every x will come back but in my emergency breakup kit i talk about all you can do is all you can do all you can do is your best you can put yourself in the best position to get your ex back and take it one day at a time if this video has been helpful to you please click the like button and subscribe and if it's added value to your life you can leave me a tip at my tip jar i'll leave a link to that in the description below or you can go to myxbackcoach.com and find my tip jar this has been coach lee and as always thank you for watching [Music] you

Channel: Coach Lee

Views: 797,149

Keywords: ex made a mistake, when my ex realizes they made a mistake, my ex realized he made a mistake, my ex realized the breakup was a mistake, coach lee, if ex realizes breakup was a mistake

Id: jfIOFHSLWVM

Length: 18min 14sec (1094 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 17 2021