Social Anxiety - 6 Tips from a Navy SEAL

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I had (have had?) social anxiety since high school. Years of being bullied and being the one that all the girls thought was icky pooey in middle school destroyed any self confidence I had. In college, I tried going to parties but I hated them because I never knew what to talk about, couldn't keep conversations going, and could never approach people. So I would always be either off in the corner, clawing my hands out of anxiety and self-loathing, or wandering around, pretending like I had somewhere to go. Eventually, whenever my friends invited me to parties, I would make excuses to not go. After I graduated college, I moved away for a while because I got sick of my state and, honestly, I was sick of myself. I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it on my own.

When I moved, I swore to myself that I would not spend my weekends playing video-games anymore and that I would force myself into this social situations and I would force myself out of this funk. At the beginning, and take this for what you will, the really early videos from Simple Pickup helped a lot. Seeing these guys talk to random girls about the most random and, sometimes, ridiculous things showed me that you could talk to anyone about just about anything, as long as you have some semblance of confidence. So I started off by doing just that: I'd go to parties and talk to people and just say whatever came to mind. The difference this time was that instead of thinking that no one's going to care, I went in with the mindset that what I had to say was interesting and if other people didn't find it interesting, no skin off my back. I wasn't from around her, I wouldn't be here permanently, and I likely would never see these people again, anyway.

I would also pay attention to what my more social friends would talk about and how they would talk. I also picked up more hobbies and interests because talking about video-game and anime was a pretty surefire way of killing conversations flat. A lot of people will see this and say that it's pointless to be social, if you're not going to be yourself and not talk about your interests. I see this as me breaking out of my video-game and anime confines and getting more hobbies and interests. Instead of being the guy that only talked about nerdy stuff, I was the nerdy guy who was into gaming and anime but also into music, film, traveling, and surfing. I've seen a lot of people get defensive about this, but when your only interests are video games and anime, it becomes that much more difficult to converse with strangers. Expanding your horizons never hurts.

Now, the big hurdle was something that I'd lacked for a decade: confidence. Now, I know that a lot of people will disagree with this, but different things work for different people. I would drink enough so that I would get buzzed. The guy in the vid talked about how it just increased his anxiety, so I know it affects people differently. For me, drinking took the edge off and just put me in the mindset of having fun and not giving a shit about anyone else. It helped me see that there were drunker people doing and saying dumber things than me and still having a ton of fun with people they didn't even know. I want to add that drinking was only ever a momentary crutch for me and only for social situations and parties. I never used it as a cure all, because it is not, and I never blacked out because I wanted more confidence. I was never an alcoholic and I never felt like I "needed" it. I did eventually get to a point where I could be in social situations and be a butterfly without any alcohol.

The biggest contributor to my confidence, though, was working out. I was never athletic. I was either chubby in middle school or a skinny fat kid in high school with no stamina or strength. When I started going to the gym, i literally couldn't run a mile without stopping. The first 3 weeks fucking sucked and I wanted to quit every time I went. But hitting that first nonstop mile was a bigger high than most things I'd experienced. Eventually, I kept hitting more physical milestones and in less than a year, I was running 5 miles without feeling tired. Looking good, knowing that I looked good, and feeling good did wonders for my self-confidence. I got noticeably more attention from women once I bulked up and seeing their glances was a massive boost to my confidence. Talking to girls was impossible for me because I thought I was uglier than other guys around and also that I had no idea how to talk to them. With one of those worries having been scratched out, talking to women was significantly less daunting.

It's been about 10 years since I've started that journey. I'm slightly chubbier now, adulting has caught up to me and I can't work out as often as I used to, so my muscles have melted, but I can still talk people up. I still get anxiety in situations where I don't know anyone, but the biggest difference is that I can converse with people pretty easily and if I can't, I don't internalize it and I don't beat myself up over it.

Tl;dr - exposure therapy, getting into hobbies outside of my usual nerd hobbies, and working out helped to mitigate my social anxiety. It took me around 2 years of dedicated, consistent work, but it's been worth it.

👍︎︎ 86 👤︎︎ u/yognautilus 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

Nice vid. He does entertain a tangent here and there but you can really tell how difficult some of this openness is for him. Nice that he states that codifying these steps are things that worked for him.

Also really interesting to see a SEAL talking about being intimidated in social situations. Not physically obviously, but socially, conversationally and career wise.

👍︎︎ 27 👤︎︎ u/MexusRex 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

I like this guy

👍︎︎ 10 👤︎︎ u/andihadminesavingme 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

One thing he only kinda alluded to but didn't really address is putting other people around you on too high a pedestal. He mentions being intimidated by other guys in prestigious, high-paying fields. You can absolutely not give a fuck about that and avoid all comparisons. A great way to signal that you don't care what they do but you're still open to learnig about who they are is to ask questions (this is the part he touched on), but not just when you don't understand something. You can ask things like, "Sounds like you've got a lot riding on your shoulders. Are there ever days where it all goes wrong?" The answer is yes, and if it's not they're lying and you don't want to talk to them. Then they're going to tell you thier workplace horrors stories, which we can all relate to, and have a good laugh. Suddenly that "bas-ass attorney" is just some dude got good by fucking up and learning from it.

👍︎︎ 14 👤︎︎ u/Mohavor 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

TL;DW?

👍︎︎ 16 👤︎︎ u/pineappleking 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

Going to therapy if it is accessible to you is a great first step in dealing with social anxiety.

Not to discredit this man's experience, but I feel like what he outlines is a lot of avoidance behaviours that really don't help you actually work through social anxiety over the long-term. A qualified therapist can help you learn tools and strategies that will help you longer term, although the strategies he mentions can definitely be helpful getting you into the initial social circumstance in the short-term I suppose.

Therapy + the right medication from a trained psychiatrist are the main factors in overcoming my own formerly crippling social anxiety. Medication isn't right for everyone, but therapy always is once you find the right therapist.

👍︎︎ 7 👤︎︎ u/sama_lamb 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

this guy helped train keaneu reeves for John Wick

👍︎︎ 6 👤︎︎ u/neighborlyglove 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

I suffer from social anxiety as well. Its funny, I do a lot of his avoidance behavior's except the alcohol as I don't drink much.

  • Must drive to maintain control of when I can leave
  • Insecure in a group of people because feel like I'm being judged, or laughed at, so always have an escape route
  • Feel like I should be talking so I don't seem "boring"
  • Currently looking at houses in a more isolated area

I wish i had "partner" who would do the safe word thing, he is really lucky he has got that.

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/Skinny-Puppy-Digit 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies

I'm not diagnosed with any anxiety disorders but I know for a fact that I have social anxiety. I've always been like that ever since I was a kid. By now I though I would've grown out of it, but no. I'm 23, going to be 24 in a couple of months and I still have this shit. I'm still in college and I wonder if I will ever graduate. I currently need only 3 classes to graduate and I dread the moment I'll take them since they require presentations.

The first class is public speaking. I took that class 2 times. I dropped it the first time because my nerves were incredibly overwhelming. I just hated class. I couldn't focus, I was always constantly worried and nervous and I would literally shake. The second time I took that class was last summer. The same thing happen again. It was just to much. I was planning to take that class again this semester but unfortunately one of my professors for a class made us present ourselves at the beginning of class and again, that feeling arose and I realized I wasn't ready to take the public speaking class.

As for the other two classes, they both require an end of the year presentation. I'm beginning to think that people who have poor social skills aren't cutout enough for life. Being social is key to live a somewhat healthy/happy life. But getting nervous all the time you talk to someone, including your parents, its just shitty.

👍︎︎ 2 👤︎︎ u/AmatureProgrammer 📅︎︎ Aug 29 2019 🗫︎ replies
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Hey guys Sean Ryan with Vigilance Elite I did aq a a while back on the old IG and I got a question asking me if I deal with social anxiety and for anxiety and crowds and I thought that was a really good question and so I answered it and gave me an idea I thought I would do a video on it so I put a couple of feelers out on YouTube and Instagram and I was gonna cater this whole thing towards kind of combat that's transitioning and the social anxiety that we deal with coming back into regular society but I want to put the feelers out I realize totally shit a lot of people deal with this shit me included I deal with it probably on a daily basis if I leave my house so which is why I bought a place out of the middle of fucking nowhere because I don't like talking to people and I get anxious when I have to go to social functions so so I'm just gonna talk about these six things that I've used to kind of help me power through that shit and overcome social anxiety so here we go social anxiety really hit me hard when I left CIA that's when it really kicked in for me I got out I left CIA I had no clue what the fuck I was gonna do where I was gonna go I had no hobbies other than drinking and which made me feel pretty fucking insecure especially when you go to these social functions and it's all you know doctors and lawyers and fucking stockbrokers and this person has fucking truckload of money and this person you know and you just constantly feel like you're being judged because you don't really have anything going on at that time and for me the two questions that I fucking was terrified of is what do you do and what are your hobbies what do I do well I wasn't doing anything I could talk about actually I couldn't I couldn't even talk about what I did most of the shit for I never be able to talk about and that's fucking embarrassing to me it's well I'm you know for the past 14 years I've been doing this shit but I can't tell you anything about it and you know I'm it bothered me and then the other one was you know what are your hobbies well I don't have any fucking hobbies other than getting shit-faced from the time I get up until the time I go to sleep and I don't sleep so those are two questions that I would avoid and I amongst the whole slew other emotions but and things that I was dealing with but I found a couple of things that helped me out and I've kind of broken them up a little bit here two things that get me through social events still to this day I still use this shit everywhere I go is one I don't ever put myself in a situation that I cannot get myself out of to I need to find things that boost my confidence doesn't mean when I mean confidence I don't mean you don't have to be the loudest motherfucker in the room and the one that talks the most you just have to find things that make you confident which make you a little more comfortable in that particular setting so let's go through these six things so the first thing that I do is that kind of helps me and it relates to I don't ever put myself in a situation that I can't get out of is I don't do fucking ubers I don't do taxis I don't do burrs I don't let friends drive I don't ride with people I want my car with my car keys in my pocket that way if I feel the anxiety is starting to come on and I don't want to be there anymore I know I can get the fuck out of there at a moment's notice doesn't mean you can't take a taxi out of there but at least you have that sense of comfort and which gives you a little confidence knowing all right if I am in a situation that I just don't want to fucking be in socially I'll just leave and that gives you a little bit of comfort you don't have to wait on a taxi or call an uber or make a big scene you just fucking leave so that would be my first piece of my first tip take your own car if you get drunk leave it there go get it tomorrow but at least you have it hotel rooms as I kind of mentioned before and if you want to get more in depth you can click the link above and listen to the tnq podcast I was on but I had ruined every relationship all of them and it got real fucking awkward even with family I'm still rebuilding that and I still get a little anxious sometimes friends family everyone if I'm gonna go on an overnighter somewhere I always run a hotel it gives me my little buddy we'll just call it a safe space but if I start getting angry or anxious a lot of times my anxiety switches to anger immediately I know I need to leave before shit gets bad and knowing that I have a hotel somewhere I can go to it comforts me and gives me that confidence knowing like alright if things get out of control or if I just don't want to fucking be here I don't have to make a scene and go out you know I'm fucking leaving alright it's just no I just I have my hotel I go there I fucking cool off nobody even has to know why you're going maybe you just say oh yeah I'm gonna go turn some emails and or I'm gonna go I gotta make a phone call real quick go over there go back to your hotel or wherever it is and you know do the whole blue shopping code words and or little phrases that you can say to a friend or your significant other or whoever alright but it has to be somebody that you can really fucking count on okay I use my fiance Katie my special lady friend and she knows when I say this is my favorite song it's time to fucking roll I'm feeling uneasy and it's time to get the fuck out of there and she makes it happen I don't have to do shit she comes up with the excuse on why we're leaving or she just says hey Sean I want to go and then it's not even me it's her I just nobody now I've got to change it cuz everybody's gonna know when I say this is my favorite song it's time to fucking roll but come up with anything and it's got to be somebody that you trust you can't have can't be your buddy who's trying to pick up fucking chicks at the bar who is not gonna listen it can't be you know the football game nut that's gonna sit there and go just wait till the end of the fucking quarter when you say it it needs to be somebody you trust that when you do say it they're gonna wrap it up then you're out the fucking door and just knowing that you have that phrase and knowing that you have somebody that has your back no matter what is gonna help give you that confidence and it's gonna put you it it's gonna put you you know at ease a little more it's gonna make it a little more comfortable and boom there's back to I don't put myself in situations that I can't get myself out of so find somebody a trust maybe it's just significant other maybe it's your best friend I don't know who the hell it is but find somebody come up with something and stick with it don't feel like you have to talk all the time alright I get intimidated all the fucking time when I'm out in social settings especially in the very beginning when I got out about four years ago it was real bad you know you constantly feel like people are putting you down they might not even mean it but you don't always have to talk quick story I used to go out to dinner all the time when I first got out my neighbor's mom her name was burned and she was probably mid seventies early eighties eighties she's passed away now but I really liked going out to dinner with her because I felt comfortable with her and I would tell her you know she would ask why I don't go out more why don't you know go to these social functions more and I would tell her like I'm fucking intimidated I live in Boca Raton Florida and every motherfucker I meet is a fucking plastic surgeon for a doctor or a stockbroker or a money manager or some badass attorney and Here I am NOT doing shit don't have a clue what the fuck I'm gonna do I'm a social mess and so I wouldn't go anywhere and when I did I wouldn't say anything I'm not a talker and I remember fern told me Shawn you don't have to say shit she's like she said to me just by you sitting there and listening with your background makes the entire room intimidated she's like you're and she's like I can't even believe they're telling me that you're intimidated by these people she said just do what you do just take it in listen to them you know people love to talk about themselves let them talk about themselves alright so and I thought about that and I tried it and I'll be damned I think she's fucking right so don't feel the need that you have to fucking talk don't be the person that's you know live live live a blob that doesn't shut the fuck up okay just take a wrap off you know did you feel in anxious then just take a wrap off stop and just listen you know you don't have to have some badass explanation every question that's asked and you know I mean if you don't understand something that somebody's saying tell him yeah I don't have a quote what the fuck you're talking about I do that shit all the time and you know it kind of is uncomfortable at first but then when they realize oh yeah I'm talking over this guy's head and he's got the confidence to say yeah you're not fucking impressing me why don't you just dial it down a little bit to fucking layman's terms I don't know what the fuck surgery you're talking about here so anyways that ship really helped me a lot drinking this is the one nobody wants to hear but when you're in a social setting at least how I was is I would pound fucking vodka non-stop straight vodka on the rocks well if this kind of goes back to getting yourself into something that you can't get yourself out of once you're fucking hammered you're hammered which means you can't reverse it you can't get yourself out of it you're just there and I don't know you guys are but when I'm hammered nothing really good ever happens my anxiety gets worse eventually the anger gets worse a lot worse and I wind up doing shit that I regret in the long-term so take a wrap off you know how I did it is I don't drink hard shit anymore don't do shots of the fucking whiskey I don't do shots of anything I drink wine I have a couple glasses and I call it quits there's another thing I get made fun of sometimes cuz I drink bubbly out of the can but here's the deal its water with bubbles in it now look I have an adult drink it gives my hands something to do my hands are doing something part of anxiety for me was what the fuck do I do with my hands now that I'm not drinking anymore well now I have a drink it looks like you know it's got bubbles in it looks like it's a fucking vodka tonic or something and it gives me something to do and I found these like they're nobody's business but lay off the booze it's gonna nothing bad it's gonna happen by you laying off those I guaran-fucking-tee you that and the last thing get some therapy all right I went to therapy for I believe three years twice a week every fucking week that is a lot of therapy so and you know what it helped me tremendously and I know you know there's like the the stigma behind it where oh yeah I don't need any fucking help and you know if you're like that and you're worried about what everybody else is thinking of it you're fucking weak alright so just try it nobody maybe it doesn't work for you I don't know but I tell you the one thing that helped me more than anything was going to therapy getting some help and it's not all like what you think we're like oh you know talking about your fucking problems it also helps you understand what's going through other people's heads and when you can understand what's going through other people's minds that gives you confidence because you don't take shit so personally you realize not everything this asshole is talking about is directed at me in fact I have nothing to do with it you know and that puts you at ease and then you start you start building that confidence you know you understand you start to understand how the human mind thinks and and look I you're not gonna regret going to therapy and if somebody's gonna give you shit for it they're not your fucking friend anyway so tell them to fuck off but anyways those are six things that have really helped me a lot I still struggle with it but I'm leaps and bounds where I was and anyways remember those things find ways to build your confidence and don't put yourself into a situation that you can't get out of and those two things combined I think will really help you up if you think about it so anyways not my typical video and I'm a not an expert by any fucking means but uh hopefully that shit helps alright see you guys soon go grab a bubbly social anxiety I think it he'll have a lot more of us have it than I thought we did so I'm just gonna try to cater it towards everyone so I'm not a fucking expert on this shit by any means but I do deal with it probably damn near on a bait on a mother fuck fuck fuck hey guys Sean Ryan vigilance elite hey guys Sean Ryan vigilance elite and there's a fucking airplane going over right now so I'm just gonna stop and wait till this fucking piece of shit flies over my property a lot of it boils down to confidence and when I mean confidence I don't being in the loudest fucking asshole in the room yeah of course it's another fucking plane hey guys Sean Ryan vigilance elite I put a little feeler out on
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Channel: Vigilance Elite
Views: 2,021,842
Rating: 4.9450006 out of 5
Keywords: vigilance elite, shawn ryan, vigilance, elite, shawn, navy seals, navy, seal, social, anxiety, cia, social anxiety, psychology, social anxiety disorder, how to deal with anxiety, social phobia, mental health, anxious, anxiety attack, confidence, how to talk to people, socializing, anxiety disorder, how to overcome anxiety, self help, mental, health, therapy, combat veteran, dealing with social anxiety, fear, panic attack, depression, dealing with anxiety, social anxiety tips from an navy seal
Id: QwtPA-07NnU
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 17min 32sec (1052 seconds)
Published: Sun Aug 18 2019
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