Social Anxiety - 6 Tips from a Navy SEAL
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Channel: Vigilance Elite
Views: 2,021,842
Rating: 4.9450006 out of 5
Keywords: vigilance elite, shawn ryan, vigilance, elite, shawn, navy seals, navy, seal, social, anxiety, cia, social anxiety, psychology, social anxiety disorder, how to deal with anxiety, social phobia, mental health, anxious, anxiety attack, confidence, how to talk to people, socializing, anxiety disorder, how to overcome anxiety, self help, mental, health, therapy, combat veteran, dealing with social anxiety, fear, panic attack, depression, dealing with anxiety, social anxiety tips from an navy seal
Id: QwtPA-07NnU
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 17min 32sec (1052 seconds)
Published: Sun Aug 18 2019
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I had (have had?) social anxiety since high school. Years of being bullied and being the one that all the girls thought was icky pooey in middle school destroyed any self confidence I had. In college, I tried going to parties but I hated them because I never knew what to talk about, couldn't keep conversations going, and could never approach people. So I would always be either off in the corner, clawing my hands out of anxiety and self-loathing, or wandering around, pretending like I had somewhere to go. Eventually, whenever my friends invited me to parties, I would make excuses to not go. After I graduated college, I moved away for a while because I got sick of my state and, honestly, I was sick of myself. I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it on my own.
When I moved, I swore to myself that I would not spend my weekends playing video-games anymore and that I would force myself into this social situations and I would force myself out of this funk. At the beginning, and take this for what you will, the really early videos from Simple Pickup helped a lot. Seeing these guys talk to random girls about the most random and, sometimes, ridiculous things showed me that you could talk to anyone about just about anything, as long as you have some semblance of confidence. So I started off by doing just that: I'd go to parties and talk to people and just say whatever came to mind. The difference this time was that instead of thinking that no one's going to care, I went in with the mindset that what I had to say was interesting and if other people didn't find it interesting, no skin off my back. I wasn't from around her, I wouldn't be here permanently, and I likely would never see these people again, anyway.
I would also pay attention to what my more social friends would talk about and how they would talk. I also picked up more hobbies and interests because talking about video-game and anime was a pretty surefire way of killing conversations flat. A lot of people will see this and say that it's pointless to be social, if you're not going to be yourself and not talk about your interests. I see this as me breaking out of my video-game and anime confines and getting more hobbies and interests. Instead of being the guy that only talked about nerdy stuff, I was the nerdy guy who was into gaming and anime but also into music, film, traveling, and surfing. I've seen a lot of people get defensive about this, but when your only interests are video games and anime, it becomes that much more difficult to converse with strangers. Expanding your horizons never hurts.
Now, the big hurdle was something that I'd lacked for a decade: confidence. Now, I know that a lot of people will disagree with this, but different things work for different people. I would drink enough so that I would get buzzed. The guy in the vid talked about how it just increased his anxiety, so I know it affects people differently. For me, drinking took the edge off and just put me in the mindset of having fun and not giving a shit about anyone else. It helped me see that there were drunker people doing and saying dumber things than me and still having a ton of fun with people they didn't even know. I want to add that drinking was only ever a momentary crutch for me and only for social situations and parties. I never used it as a cure all, because it is not, and I never blacked out because I wanted more confidence. I was never an alcoholic and I never felt like I "needed" it. I did eventually get to a point where I could be in social situations and be a butterfly without any alcohol.
The biggest contributor to my confidence, though, was working out. I was never athletic. I was either chubby in middle school or a skinny fat kid in high school with no stamina or strength. When I started going to the gym, i literally couldn't run a mile without stopping. The first 3 weeks fucking sucked and I wanted to quit every time I went. But hitting that first nonstop mile was a bigger high than most things I'd experienced. Eventually, I kept hitting more physical milestones and in less than a year, I was running 5 miles without feeling tired. Looking good, knowing that I looked good, and feeling good did wonders for my self-confidence. I got noticeably more attention from women once I bulked up and seeing their glances was a massive boost to my confidence. Talking to girls was impossible for me because I thought I was uglier than other guys around and also that I had no idea how to talk to them. With one of those worries having been scratched out, talking to women was significantly less daunting.
It's been about 10 years since I've started that journey. I'm slightly chubbier now, adulting has caught up to me and I can't work out as often as I used to, so my muscles have melted, but I can still talk people up. I still get anxiety in situations where I don't know anyone, but the biggest difference is that I can converse with people pretty easily and if I can't, I don't internalize it and I don't beat myself up over it.
Tl;dr - exposure therapy, getting into hobbies outside of my usual nerd hobbies, and working out helped to mitigate my social anxiety. It took me around 2 years of dedicated, consistent work, but it's been worth it.
Nice vid. He does entertain a tangent here and there but you can really tell how difficult some of this openness is for him. Nice that he states that codifying these steps are things that worked for him.
Also really interesting to see a SEAL talking about being intimidated in social situations. Not physically obviously, but socially, conversationally and career wise.
I like this guy
One thing he only kinda alluded to but didn't really address is putting other people around you on too high a pedestal. He mentions being intimidated by other guys in prestigious, high-paying fields. You can absolutely not give a fuck about that and avoid all comparisons. A great way to signal that you don't care what they do but you're still open to learnig about who they are is to ask questions (this is the part he touched on), but not just when you don't understand something. You can ask things like, "Sounds like you've got a lot riding on your shoulders. Are there ever days where it all goes wrong?" The answer is yes, and if it's not they're lying and you don't want to talk to them. Then they're going to tell you thier workplace horrors stories, which we can all relate to, and have a good laugh. Suddenly that "bas-ass attorney" is just some dude got good by fucking up and learning from it.
TL;DW?
Going to therapy if it is accessible to you is a great first step in dealing with social anxiety.
Not to discredit this man's experience, but I feel like what he outlines is a lot of avoidance behaviours that really don't help you actually work through social anxiety over the long-term. A qualified therapist can help you learn tools and strategies that will help you longer term, although the strategies he mentions can definitely be helpful getting you into the initial social circumstance in the short-term I suppose.
Therapy + the right medication from a trained psychiatrist are the main factors in overcoming my own formerly crippling social anxiety. Medication isn't right for everyone, but therapy always is once you find the right therapist.
this guy helped train keaneu reeves for John Wick
I suffer from social anxiety as well. Its funny, I do a lot of his avoidance behavior's except the alcohol as I don't drink much.
I wish i had "partner" who would do the safe word thing, he is really lucky he has got that.
I'm not diagnosed with any anxiety disorders but I know for a fact that I have social anxiety. I've always been like that ever since I was a kid. By now I though I would've grown out of it, but no. I'm 23, going to be 24 in a couple of months and I still have this shit. I'm still in college and I wonder if I will ever graduate. I currently need only 3 classes to graduate and I dread the moment I'll take them since they require presentations.
The first class is public speaking. I took that class 2 times. I dropped it the first time because my nerves were incredibly overwhelming. I just hated class. I couldn't focus, I was always constantly worried and nervous and I would literally shake. The second time I took that class was last summer. The same thing happen again. It was just to much. I was planning to take that class again this semester but unfortunately one of my professors for a class made us present ourselves at the beginning of class and again, that feeling arose and I realized I wasn't ready to take the public speaking class.
As for the other two classes, they both require an end of the year presentation. I'm beginning to think that people who have poor social skills aren't cutout enough for life. Being social is key to live a somewhat healthy/happy life. But getting nervous all the time you talk to someone, including your parents, its just shitty.