-For those of you
who don't know, I set a world record this summer
by becoming the first person to appear on NBC
390 consecutive hours. -[ Laughing loudly ]
That's my boy. -Mom, relax.
-That's my son up there. Whoo! -Relax. Relax, Mom, come on. -What, a mother can't
be proud of her son? [ Laughs ]
Do you have children? How many of them
have gold medals? -Mom. ♪♪ -John Belushi is on his way to
a gold medal in the decathlon. They're setting the bar
at 7 feet. Here's his approach. [ Crowd cheering ] And he got it! Belushi has won the gold. Now he's going
for the world's record. He's making his move.
They're in the final turn. He's kicking it in! He's got it! A spectacular time. A new world's record.
Unbelievable. What a day for John Belushi! -I logged a lot of miles
training for that day, and I downed a lot of donuts. Little chocolate donuts. They taste good,
and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why
little chocolate donuts have been on my training table
since I was a kid. [ Crowd cheering ] -Little chocolate donuts, the donuts of champions. -Excuse me,
I'm looking for Doug Frangelo. I'm supposed to get
a swimming lesson from him, and he's supposedly
the best in the world. Do you know
where I can find him? -Uh, let's see. -Never mind. I think I just found him. Doug Frangelo? -Who wants to know? -I'm Terry James.
We spoke on the phone. -Oh, yeah. You're the guy who wants to go for the gold
in Beijing. -I know. It's crazy, right? An average Joe
with no swimming experience wants to compete
in the Olympics. What have I been smoking, right? -You've been smoking dream dust. And Doug Frangelo is about
to turn that into reality dust. Okay? So you ready to go? All right.
Let's take off that robe. You heard me.
-I got to be honest, Doug. I'm a little intimidated. I mean, look at your body. -It really is something,
isn't it? Now drop that robe. You've got a great, great,
great body for swimming. -I'm sure you say that
to everyone. -No, I don't. I have never ever said that
to anyone except for my wife, 1948 gold medalist
Greta Anderson. -1948? That's quite an age difference. -Age is just a number. Besides, the most important
number in our relationship is 69. You know what I'm getting at? -I think so. -You know the term,
if there's grass on the field, then play ball?
-Sure. -Well, there's still grass
on that field, and I intend to play ball until the person
that that grass is on is dead. -Good for you. -Now, let's get you strapped in. -Strapped in? -Are you questioning me? -No. -Strap in! All right. Let's walk it out
a little bit. Just walk with me. Let's just move a little. Get to know your muscles. All right.
I like what I'm feeling. You like what you're feeling? -I guess. -Okay, buddy, you ready
to do some swimming? -Sure.
-Okay. This is called the crawl stroke, AKA freestyle. Get to know it. This stroke is gonna be
your best friend. All right. Here we go. Mm-hmm. Yes. Good job. He likes you. -Who likes me? -The crawl stroke. Oh, yeah. Right there.
Good swing. -Don't we need
to get into the pool? -No. No. Before I take
the ship out to the sea, I like to dry-dock it
for a little bit, check out the hull. Okay. Let's shift to butterfly. Okay, the motion
of the butterfly is like shutting a car trunk. So let's go.
You shut that trunk. Yeah. Shut that car trunk! -Slam.
-Yeah. Shut that car trunk.
-Wham! -Ah, shut that car trunk! Oh, yeah, you're doing great. Hey, did a butterfly
just fly into the room and attach itself to me? Seriously, great job. Ah! Yes. And if this swimming thing
doesn't pan out, I think you could make a fortune
as a car-trunk-shutter. Come on. Yeah.
-Thanks. -Now, before we move on
to the next stroke, give me a second.
I just got to adjust my penis. -Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got it. I got it. Listen, buddy,
thanks for the assist. -Okay, you know what? I just don't know
if this is working out. I mean, I thought I was gonna
get more pool time than this. -Terry, you'll get
plenty of pool time after you've mastered
the land fundamentals. -And when will that be? -Like two or three years tops. -Okay, that's it.
I quit. I quit. -Nobody's quitting on my watch. -Let me go!
-Oh, no. Come here, you -- Hold on. You know, if you fight,
it's just gonna get tighter. If you --
It's just like a Gordian Knot. There you go. All right. -[ Whimpering ] -That fight out of you yet? You know who you remind me of
right now? -Who? -Amanda Beard. She thought land training
was stupid, too, until it landed her
a gold medal. -You trained Amanda Beard? -No. Now, you ready to do this thing? -Let's do it! -All right. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.
Thank you very much. It's so great to be here,
hosting "Saturday Night Live." This seriously is like the ninth
greatest moment of my life. -Whoo! Ah, good job, Michael! -Thanks, Mom. For those of you
who don't know, I set a world record this summer
by becoming the first person to appear on NBC
390 consecutive hours. -[ Laughing loudly ]
That's my boy. -Mom, relax.
-That's my son up there. Whoo! -Relax. Relax, Mom, come on. -What, a mother can't
be proud of her son? [ Laughs ]
Do you have children? How many of them
have gold medals? -Mom. -Ah, I love you! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, keep going. -Also --
-You're in the zone. -Also, I'm very proud
to announce that I'm going to be a big part
of the NBC's fall schedule. So don't miss me in the new
cop drama "Swim Cop." If you commit a crime
and that crime is in the water, you're going to have to
deal with me. I've also been getting
a lot of endorsement offers. And you don't realize
how important it is to choose the right kind
of products for your image. -Uh, excuse me, Mr. Phelps? -Yes, do you have a question? -I do.
You mentioned endorsements, and I believe
that I have the perfect product for the Michael Phelps brand. -Well, I don't think
now is the best time. -It's My First Meth Lab. And it's the only meth lab kit
on the market that is specifically
marketed to pre-teens. I already put your face
on the box. -Wow. I would not want
to endorse something like that. I don't care
how much you paid me. -Paid you? [ Chuckles ] -Thanks but no thanks. See, that's a good example of a product
I should not endorse. I'm looking for endorsements that make sense
for someone like me. -Well, yeah, it's true, you --
you can't be too careful. -Mr. Shatner. What are you doing here? -Well, Michael, I'm here
to give you some advice. Nothing is more important
than integrity. You've earned your integrity
in the Olympic arena, and I was born with mine. So we must be vigilant. We just can't throw our face
on any second-rate product. We have to save ourselves
for the high-end brands, brands like, um, Priceline. Well, I mean, the only online
way to book flights, hotels, cars, you name it. -Are -- Are you just here
to talk about Priceline? -No, no, no.
I would never do that. And do you know why I would
never do that? Integrity. And Priceline. -Thank you.
We have a great show tonight. Mom, are you excited? -Yes, yes! -And how about you, Mom? -Yes!
-Yes! -Well, we have
a great show tonight. Lil Wayne's here. So stick around.
We'll be right back. -Well, the fall
television season is just getting under way. Here now with a preview
of the fall lineup is Olympic gold medalist
Ryan Lochte. -[ Slurring ] Hey, Seth.
I'm Ryan -- I'm Ryan Lochte. -So, uh -- So, Ryan,
you had a busy summer. -Yeah, it -- I was America
in Olympics. -So, what are some of the new
shows you're excited about? -Uh, the first one's called
"Monkey Hospital." It's a show about a monkey
in a hospital. It's -- It's so funny. -I think you mean
"Animal Practice." -Yeah, the --
the monkey's so funny. It's -- It's -- It's not --
I mean, it's not fair they give all the best lines
to the monkey. I -- I give it three swims. -O-Out of how many? -Three. -Okay. So, what other new shows
do you like? -Uh, I'm really excited
about that show "Goon." -Oh -- That's actually "Go On."
It's two words. -Ohh. Okay. It's -- It's -- Either way,
it looks really go-od. -No, that's "good."
That's -- That's one word. -Oh. Okay, I don't -- I give -- I give it six swims. -Okay, that's good. -Hey, um, Seth, do you want to know a secret?
-Sure. -If you hold your ear
up to my ear, you can hear the ocean.
-Yeah? I'm good. I'm good right now. -S-Soup yourself. -Okay. -Oh, man, it --
It feels so weird to be dry. -[ Chuckling ] Yeah? -Oh. Um, juice? -Sorry, what? -Juice. -You want juice? Oh, okay. Here you go. -Yeah. -That better?
-Yeah. -All right. Any other shows? -Uh, there's
"Elementary" on CBS. I like that show 'cause
I enjoy complex characters that use their powers
of deduction to solve riddles. -Really? -Nah, I just like the shapes. -Okay. Anything else? -Uh, yeah, I was watching
this one -- this one show, and then like
partway through, there was all these
other little shows. -Oh, you know,
those are commercials. -Oh. Yeah, that -- that makes sense
'cause I was in a bunch of 'em. -Okay, great. Finally, what about the new
season of "American Dad" on Fox? -[ Normal voice ] Oh, I heard
that's actually really good. -All right. Ryan Lochte, everybody!
