all right crft today is February 29th 2024 and it is a leap year usually February has 28 days but every four years February gains an extra day because every frog on Earth leaps at the exact same time making Earth a little bit lighter and then it pushes Earth further away from the Sun and then when all the frogs on Earth land back on the ground then it pushes Earth back into a normal orbit and that is aipia I was wondering why I didn't see any frogs today yeah dude I usually eat frogs for breakfast but I couldn't find anybody of river guys that's not what a leap year is oh yeah then what's a leap year nerd well the Earth takes 365 days 5 hours 48 minutes and 46 seconds to orbit this sun but we round that down to 365 days for a normal year but then every 4 years we make up for those extra 6 hours by adding an extra day to the end of February why do you like look weird today like did you get a haircut yeah something's different about you dude no and another crazy thing is that if your birthday is on February 29th you only age every 4 years imagine having a birthday today I know dude so depressing I'd rather have a birthday on September 11th or Coline yeah days that actually matter dude if my birthday was today I would jump off the tallest bridge yeah like the tallest bridge like my life doesn't matter face yeah so funny right Cody Cody why you wearing a dunce cap it's not a dunce cap it's a birthday hat dude it's not your birthday today yeah your birthday is not today yes it is oh wait Joseph today is his birthday oh happy birthday dude yeah happy birthday you butt Humper thanks guys I mean we don't understand why you do it but we're still your friend that's great you can stop so how many times do I get to hit you though well I'm turning 16 wait how many birthdays have you actually had four so you're 4 years old no we've had this conversation I'm still 16 how many February 29ths have existed since you've been born four so you're 4 years old no that doesn't mean time didn't still pass for 16 years okay hold on so when February 29th doesn't exist what day do you celebrate your birthday on March 1st but were you born on March 1st no so you can't celebrate your birthday on the day you were actually born on Cody yeah you don't get to pick and choose dude yeah I want my birthday on Christmas n mine is on 4th of July yeah I want my birthday every single day that's what I want guys we've been through this before I'm still 16 teacher Cody's birthday is today how old is he wait Cody your birthday is on February 29th that means you're only 4 years old you can't be 4 years old in my crass you have to go back to kindergarten get out of my class right now what I'm the smartest kid in this class I don't belong in kindergarten go to the kindergarten cross her right now oh screw all of you guys here you going have my stupid birthday hat look at the four-year-old throwing a temper tantrum a I thought he was out of his terrible tools you need your apple juice and your animal crackers I hope you all die Mrs Fitz Patrick's kindergarten class I'm not supposed to be in kindergarten I'm the smartest kid in the school oh my God Mickey Mouse is purple Mouse po I'm not play with the block no my block DJ Mike won't let me play with the block Mikey Mikey share your block oh class class we have a new student class class one two three eyes on me give me a Block M no it's my block oh that coloring R Mickey Mouse all done now it's time for dappy duck dappy duck that Pur uh guys guys she said 1 2 three all eyes on me I think it means you got to shut the [ __ ] up I want to hit it with the hammer H my hammer class class if you're not quiet right now no animal crackers or jeice Mikey I'm calling your mother my mom's dead that is it I'm putting my foot down no animal crackers or juice no animal crack crackle Your [Applause] [Music] Juice Jesus Christ that's right no animal crackers or juice unless you're quiet by the time I count to three one two three good Mikey God damn it get your ass in the timeout chair a man how you know it was me Mikey you sit there and think about what you've done I think my dad killed my mom okay now class we have a new student come here young man I'm Miss Fitzpatrick and what's your name Cody class use your manners everyone say hi to Cody hi Cody ow Mikey little [ __ ] now Cody that's no no language we don't use that that was a no no word okay but Mikey's still a piece of [ __ ] I know that but we don't say it right Mikey Mikey you little [ __ ] I'm glad we're on the same page about Mikey Cody now why don't you go introduce yourselves to your other classmates and try to make new friends find somewhere to sit okay hey what are you CH up to I'm coloring it out the puss that's cool I spell penis B nice two of my favorite things oh the Dizzy character's purple wow you have a very vivid imagination young man why is he only pushing bear bear is his favorite animal the teacher say he's on the Spectrum okay well let's try a different animal never mind let let's go back to Bear y you guys have fun sitting here I'm going to go look for a different seat wow this is cool you guys get to just sit here and play with toys all day can I try ow ow ow ow okay okay never mind I'm not sitting here oh cool blocks I wouldn't touch those blocks didn't there Mikey's blocks yeah well guess what Mikey's [ __ ] ass is in timeout so these are Cody's blocks now wow can I play too sure why the hell not oh you're really cool Cody you know what I hate you the least what's your name Freddy nice to meet you fredd ready you think I can stick this block in my butthole not if I beat you to it all right class since you've been so good I'm going to pass out the animal crackers and juice Y what about Mikey does Mikey get animal crackers and juice [ __ ] off Mikey oh okay okay Mikey Mikey listen if you can be quiet for three whole minutes you can get out of timeout and get animal crackers and juice okay Mikey will not make a sound okay okay class I'm going to pass out the snacks wow you guys get animal crackers and juice it's animal crackers and juice day here you go Cody there's your animal crackers and juice no and here you go Freddy there's yours thank you you're welcome thank you for saying thank you you're welcome a thank you for saying you're welcome you're welcome again you have such good manners damn Freddy I think she has a crush on you you could probably tap that if you wanted to you're in there like swimwear I wear pull-ups when I go swimming so I can take a dookie in the pool okay never mind all right class are you enjoying your animal crackers and juice yeah um Mrs Fitzpatrick I got a question what is it Taylor why does Daryl get a Coca-Cola because Daryl is special is it because it's the last day of black history M no Daryl Daryl I have a question for you what kind of animal drinks cocoa Cola in the commercials very good a bear specifically a PO bear a bear a bear just a regular Bear all right class I hope you're enjoying your crackers and juice um Mrs Fitzpatrick Mrs Fitzpatrick Mrs Fitzpatrick what um I've been really quiet so I was wondering if I could go out time out and eat some crackers and juice yes you can go back to your seat but but but but if you act up again Mikey you're back in timeout okay yeah Freddy I think the elephants taste better than the hippos but not as good as the jff ones hey what are you doing near my blocks this is my seed I sit here yeah well don't touch my blocks I don't see your name on them well they're my blocks what are you even doing here Mikey they let you had a timeout already yeah I did three minutes a hard time Hey where's my stra my apple juice doesn't have a stra Freddy give me a straw no I'm using it I said give me a straw no hey Mikey how about your to [ __ ] off Freddy how about you make me fo eyes you also have glasses dumb ass oh Mrs ppatrick Cody said dumbass so did you dumbass nuh dumb ass settle down class it's nap time so everyone get out your pillows and blankets and lay down your heads and shut the [ __ ] up wait you guys get nap time yeah what kind of school did you go to before we get nap time every day yeah I think the teacher uploads on our Omie fans while we're napping well good for her I guess wow this is the life I get to eat animal crackers I drink juice and I get nap time we didn't even learn anything today I can get used to this there there there there there spare oh good they're all asleep now I can check my only fan see how it's doing so I can get out of the shitty job sweet Jesus Freddy those animal crackers aren't settling right are they hey why you want my blocks smell like poop oh yeah we shoved those up me and Freddy's ass maybe Freddy should have stayed Court m is been BWI Cody jump one of my blocks up his ass Freddy did too God damn it Mikey you're not supposed to be playing with your blocks it is nap time don't be mad at me because you only have two subscribers on your only fans and my dad's one of them that is it time out Mister time out again enjoy being in timeout Mikey you [ __ ] ow ow he's biting my [ __ ] head Jer get him off me he's fighting my hand Mikey's biting me Mikey Mikey Mikey no biting no biting Mikey oh God not again God School sucked today we have so much homework yeah dude I'm over it hey guys Cody how didd you get here before us I'm in kindergarten we get out at noon you get out at noon a lucky yeah I'm 4 years old so I guess I don't have to be in school as long wait a minute you're 4 years old so that that means he a Kinder Garden loser how was it it was awesome I got to eat animal crackers and drink apple juice and I got nap time nap time yeah it's perfect the only thing that sucks is Mikey who's Mikey he's this annoying little [ __ ] that bit my hand I wish they had to cut his head off to see if he had rabies so you're actually going to stay in kinderg Garden yeah I think I'm going to stick around for a while I was going to tell my parents and have them call the school so I can go back to normal classes but I think I think it's pretty fun I'm going to hang out there well well we have a bunch of homework do you have homework yeah Miss Fitzpatrick said I have to find three things that are blue my boow ties blue my shirt's blue and my pants are blue well I guess I'm done with my homework I'm free for the afternoon guys maybe I'll go practice my napping what I want to go to kindergarten dude I hate [Music] him all right Cody you go first okay oh this is so lame yeah it is you guys want to go to a real bowling alley yeah I love bowling dude you know I love bowling well I don't want to go to a bowling alley to bowl you silly [ __ ] well what else do we do at a bowling alley eat cheese sticks they have cheese sticks o cheese sticks are good do they have cheese sticks they have the best cheese sticks in the county and you get a deal four cheese sticks for $4.75 that's more than a dollar per cheese stick I know that's how good they are it's like an explosion of mozzarella in your mouth sometimes I like to take four cheese sticks and bite the tips off and let all the cheese drain into my mouth it's like cheese [ __ ] God you make me hate cheese sticks I think we should at least go try them if they're that good have a that description dude I mean I think we should try it well let's make sure everybody has the money I do I do I don't well I have $10 Joseph so if you drink this entire gallon of hand sanitizer I'll give you the money for the cheese sticks you're on dude Joseph don't drink that hand sanitizer dude it's just like a full body cleanse no it's really not it's for your hands well I don't have $473 well I already gave half my money to Joseph unless he's not going to drink the hand sanitizer I'm going drink you dude why don't you just ask your dad but what if he says no um cry good idea I'm on it get the drinking Jess all right hey Daddy I don't want to eat my green beans daddy Jeffy what are you talking about I need to borrow $4 and. 73 C sell your toys Marvin you didn't even ask why he needs that money Jeffy why do you need need almost $5 sure I can get some cheese sticks you don't need to be eating cheese sticks they're so greasy and unhealthy you need to eat something like green beans well I don't want to eat my green beans dad the answer is no give your son $5 no he needs to learn how to make money like an adult Jeffy you want to make money you stop that you cut that out you need to sell your toys if you want to make money all right fine but when I get hit by a train it's all your fault what does the train have to do with selling toys okay Cody I'm going to take my turn while we wait for Jeffy okay do it I don't know why you need my approval gutter ball dude you suck man drink your [ __ ] sanitizer hey guys what' your dad say he said no did you cry of course I did and he still didn't give you the money no he told me I got to sell my toys what sell your toys what kind of toys would we sell that we'd even make money from all these toys are way too valuable well you could sell that old eightball oh yeah you could sell the eightball it doesn't work ever since I dared Joseph to drink the liquid that was inside it dude you dare me to drink something I'm going to drink it no matter what it is I'm going to go that [ __ ] down well before we sell it I think we should probably fill it up with some kind of liquid so that it actually works and it has to be a dark liquid so it actually looks like the liquid inside an eightball well I have this Coca-Cola he could fill the eightball up with Coke oh that would work all right Jeffy fill the eight ball up with this so it actually works okay all right guys I filled the eightball full of coke well shake it to make sure it works well hold on hold on I think we should ask the eightball if it wants to be sold for cheese sticks good idea Junior should we sell you for cheese sticks as I see it yes well sell that [ __ ] Jeffy all right dy I found the toy I want to sell Dy Jeffy you have thousands of toys and the only toy you want to sell is a stupid eightball yeah it's my eightball full of coke what why are you calling it that well because the eightball was missing the liquid out of it so I filled it up with Coca-Cola nobody's going to want to buy your stupid toy full of soda well where do I sell it at you can try to sell it at a pawn shop I guess guess okay D stop talking like that officer Simmons officer guy get in here hey sir me and Simmons are arguing again so when we execute Somebody by firing squad only one of us has a real bullet right the rest of blanks that's right see Simmons I told you we only get one real bullet well can I have the real bullet no you're not supposed to know who has the real bullet that way you don't feel bad for shooting someone oh I won't feel bad I want to shoot someone yeah see that's the problem sir I also want to shoot someone so can we both please get real bullets no no no that's not how works but sir if he's going to die anyway we might as well shoot him twice it' probably be quicker that way yeah I'll shoot his head and I'll shoot his heart it's a win-win look boys that's not why I called you in here now there's this pawn shop that we believe has been buying and selling illegal narcotics so we got a warrant from Judge poy for you boys to go in there and put a bug and whenever you hear them talking about illegal activity you go into that pawn shop and bust their asses well sir are you sure we have a warrant from Judge pooy ask him yourself yes I granted the warrant okay good it's always good to have a warrant kids but sir if we bust this pawn shop can me and Simmons please get real bullets next time we do a firing squad I'll think about it you hear that Simmons he's going to think about letting us shoot somebody oh goody come on hey welcome to Gary's goodies pawn shop if we don't have it for the right amount of money I can get it wait doesn't a dolphin usually run this place nah he runs the pawn shop across the street so what can I get for you I have Tom Brady Super Bowl rings I have a Dragon Ball I have the Pink Panther diamond oh I have have this lovely lady of the night that's only been used twice by me but for an extra search charge I can wash it for you no I'm good wait a minute you guys aren't cops are you because your outfits look like cop outfits no these are our Halloween costumes it's February oh darn I thought it was October well I guess we need a calendar so we know what month it is all right well let me go check the back to see if we have any calendars quick Simmons plant the bug man I'm really glad we have these bug shaped microphones yeah we don't have any cies in the back oh darn well I guess we'll check Walmart thank you hey wait wait wait wait wait you left your a weird bug shaped thing on my counter oh you know what you can keep it that's fine okay [ __ ] more product for me all right Simmons now we just have to sit here and listen until we hear some illegal activity going on hey welcome to G's goodies pod shop if we don't have it for the right amount of money I can get it well I got something to sell okay what you got to sell I got an eight bowl of coke holy [ __ ] a whole eight bowl of coke the street value of that's like $350 so I could probably give you like 300 right now for it okay you hear that sir he's straight up buying an eight ball of cocaine from someone right now we got him now let's see if they admit to anything else all right kid let me see the coke all right it's right here in this eightball holy [ __ ] you're telling me that eightball is filled to the top with Coke y all the way to the top that's way more than 3 and 1/2 Gams that that's got to be a whole ass pound that's like $45,000 worth of coke listen kid I'll give you 30 grand for that right now okay I can buy a lot of cheese sticks for that yes you could holy [ __ ] he's selling a pound of cocaine that's distribution Andy said he's going to buy cheese sticks for $30,000 that must be some kind of new street drug all right kid here's your 30 grand pleasure doing business with you and hey if you want to borrow my lady the night you can free a charge okay I think I will I'm going show her to my daddy all right well I'm going to go bust this bad boy open and get all the coke out come on Simmons we got to go bust him go go go go go go go uh Mike can you unlock the door what it's not locked it is locked I can't open it hold on okay I'll unlock it I'm trying to open it it won't open what you're you're trying to open it as I'm pushing the button no no but Simmons stop stop stop just wait just wait I got it okay God damn it all right time to pour my eight ball of coke into my father's Coke jaw wait a minute what is this this isn't Coke what is that like blackpaw heroin I'm going to be rich free you're under arrest for what for buying a whole bunch of coke we heard the whole thing we bugged the place yeah well I didn't buy a whole eight ball of coke because the eightball was filled with this weird brown liquid let me see that oh that's Coca-Cola what you're telling me that I just spent 30 grand on an eight bowl of cocaa yeah you did but Simmons this means we can't arrest him cuz he didn't actually buy any drugs yeah you jerk wads the only way you'd be able to arrest me is if I had an actual eight ball Coke that looks something like that right there get out all right sir we got him possession of cocaine right here why is he crying because I just spent $330,000 on an eightball of cocacola yeah some kid came in and scammed him he gave him $330,000 and the kid said he was going to spend it on cheese sticks huh $30,000 for cheese sticks that doesn't sound right it must be some new kind of drug I need you officers to investigate that well I got paperwork and I got to put this in the evidence drawer I think I know where the kid lives sir I'll take care of it so what happens to me now oh you got a meeting with Big Bob he's going to give you a [ __ ] meat sandwich again all right Daddy I show my eightball toy at the pawn shop yeah what they give you like 10 cents $30,000 wait what how Jeffy who's your friend big Tia because she's got big titties wait no Jeffy this does not make any sense where did you get that doll the guy in the pawn shop gave it to me when I sold him my eightball wait wait wait wait this is not making any sense why would the pawn shop give you $30,000 in cash and a doll for a broken eightball toy with soda inside it I don't know the guy just really wanted the coke that was inside I guess he was really thirsty baby this is not making sense now if you'll excuse me I have cheese sticks I have to go byy with my friends wait wait hold on can can I have some of that money no cuz you didn't believe in me come on baby big Tia what baby how did he get all that money I don't know all right guys I got $330,000 for cheese sticks that's a little bit more than the $4.75 you needed well come on guys let's go to the bowling alley I'm buying the cheese stick yeah wait dude who is her big tiia yes she is all right guys come on let's go to the bowling alley wait I don't think she want to go to the bowling alley I'm going just go and show her the bathroom floor all right wash her when you're done hey there wait you can't just come inside my house without a warrant oh man you're right and I was just talking about how important that is too uh can we just pretend I have a warrant this is really important no you better leave unless you get a warrant okay judge poy can I have a warrant I'll allow it thank you okay I have a warrant now I think your son might be in big trouble me too he's been acting very weird yeah and I was doing a sting operation on a pawn shop earlier and he came in and sold this guy an eightball full of Coca-Cola for $30,000 yeah I know I don't that doesn't make any sense to me yeah and then he said he was going to spend that money on cheese sticks and I'm worried that might be something dangerous no it's nothing dangerous he just wants to buy cheese sticks from a bowling alley wait a minute who goes to a bowling alley just for cheese sticks that seems fishy huh if only I knew what cheese sticks really meant hold on let me check the Urban Dictionary they know everything okay this first thing says cheese sticks are the best effing food in the world I mean that's true but they don't cost $30,000 the second thing says it's a code word used by gangsters that means beer or alcohol okay but still alcohol doesn't cost $30,000 now this third thing says cheese stick it says cheese stick means unwashed penis oh God I'm so sorry to have to inform you of this but I think your son might be spending $30,000 on unwashed penis no I don't think so I think he's just going to the bowling lanes to buy cheese sticks oh God and he's going to the bowling alley where all the unwashed penis hangs out no no he just wants the food cheese stick oh God I really hope you're right okay I'm just going to stay here and when he comes back I'm going to smell his breath Daddy I'm home and I brought that over cheese sticks let me smell your breath H I guess it kind of smells like cheese stick but then again I don't really know what unwashed penis smells like here get a whiff let me see my God it smells exactly the same it smells like cheese stick but how because I took one of the cheese sticks and rubbed it all over my unwashed wiener oh well I don't know I guess I consider this case closed I was going to have a cheese stick but I don't I don't know which one he rubbed on his wiener oh I already ate that one oh great I guess I'll take this one I dropped that one on the floor you know what I'm not going to have any wait so he gets to keep all the money he took from the drug dealer yeah he didn't do anything wrong and the drug dealer is just stupid unless the drug dealer decides to escape from jail and get his revenge on Jeffy for scamming him ooh no no that's probably not going to happen we don't really do part twos unless no no they they probably don't want that unless you do H part two maybe tell us I'm going to take one of these I don't [Music] care officer Simmons officer guy get in here what's up Sir I'd like you two boys to meet Enrique Enrique huh Ola Amigo can we see L green cardo yeah show me some papers no no no boys he's Puerto Rican oh so he's one of us barely welcome to the United States buddy he was born in Alabama his parents were born in Puerto Rico yeah I can speak English oh how incredibly racist of us exactly and I need you two boys to knock that offer today Enrique here is from the show Cops he's going to be following you around recording everything you do today oh no sir me and Simmons don't play by the book yeah we say bad stuff in the car all the time well today you don't I want you two on your best behavior cuz the whole world's watching can we still say bad stuff if it's in a rap song no oh man I guess no Kanye West people in Paris we mostly just like to say the title of the song specifically the first word okay come on Eric my name's Enrique nobody from Alabama is named Enrique hey there I'm office a Brooklyn Guy this is my partner Simmons hello I'm on TV hi Mom yeah we like to patrol this neighborhood a lot of crazy stuff happens around here things you wouldn't believe oh look at that a nice man taking out the trash hey there yeah see not everybody in this neighborhood's bad I think we should look out for some real crime oh look at that Simmons an African-American man jogging now he might be just going for a daily jog but he might be running away cuz he just did a crime I don't think a little stop and fris could hurt oh hi guys I'm Charlie and today I'm going on my daily jog excuse me sir stop right there oh what seems to be the problem officers we're going to need to stop and frisk you hands on your head but why you see the neighborhood you're in I know it's nice right yeah a little too nice you got anything in your pockets see here what what what is this oh it's a little grass weed leaves you know I love nature I heard weed all right you're under arrest we'll find you back come on in you go uh officer could you loosen my cuffs I I can't feel my rist and there you go another criminal off the streets cuz that's what we do here protect and serve now I hope you enjoyed this episode of cops oh look at that it's our friend from earlier he's got a ladder he's probably going to go change a light bulb somewhere see we need more Good Samaritans like that in this community well let's get back to the station was that a gunshot shot fir shot fire we didn't P down shut up shut up shut up shout up shut up breaking news M two police officers shot an unarmed black man while he was handcuffed and in the back of a cop car when an acorn fell from a tree hit the top of the car and made the officers think that they were being shot at by the guy they had just arrested and put in handcuffs a godamn acorn guy you couldn't tell the difference between a gunshot and a [ __ ] Acorn it was was a very loud Acorn sir but it was still an acorn listen sir you weren't there it was the biggest acorn I've ever heard it had to be like the size of a baseball I'm pretty sure it dented the roof of my car you know that Acorn that Scrat from Ice Age is always going after it was like that you shot at a man 27 times I helped and that's the part I don't understand summons why did you start shooting because I saw Brooklyn start shooting and I thought he was obviously shooting them for some reason so then I started shooting and if he jumped off a bridge would you do that too well it depends do we get to shoot someone after this is not a good look look boys people already think cops are racist wait sir are are we not supposed to be racist no are you sure cuz I think that was like one of the first things in the handbook we got a new handbook okay well nobody told me so uh how is how was the black man doing well luckily he survive because somehow not one of those 27 bullets you shot at him hit him oh good luckily I have the aim of a stormtrooper so uh since he didn't die are we good is everybody good no we are most certainly not good now he's suing the department and he wants you fired what me fired but I'm the [ __ ] sir everybody loves me listen guy I don't want to have to let you go as an officer but it's not up to me it's up to the judge usually we can just sweep things under the rug but this one was on National Television so go see the judge okay everybody wish me luck good luck Mike order order order order I am the honorable Judge Bo and today we will be hearing the case of Brooklyn guy who's being accused of shooting at a black man 27 times because he thought the sound of an acorn hitting the roof of his car was actually the man he just attained shooting at him uh Charlie could you please explain what happened well I was going on my daily Jog and then I got randomly searched like always then the cops arrested me and put me into their cop car and then bull start randomly flying to the window going crazy man it was crazy but I could to die so let me get this straight you did not have a gun in your possession nope no gun and my hands were handcuffed and behind my back I see so Mr guy please tell me how you thought the sound of an acorn hitting your car was you getting shot at well you see your honor acorns and bullets are basically the same size so when the acorn hit the top of my cop car it sounded like a gun going bang and then when I saw the acorn bouncing away it look like a bullet shell bouncing it's an honest mistake really no way in hell does an acorn sound like a gun shot oh how do you know you haven't heard it okay well I'll tell you what I want you to turn around and I'll shoot a gun and drop an acorn and you tell me which one is which okay but this is going to be really hard they sound the same okay which one is this oh that that is definitely an acorn okay now how about this there's a shooter in the courtroom everybody down where is that bastard all right I've heard enough clearly you have bad hearing and someone with bad hearing should not be a police officer I hereby strip you of your badge and order that you are never to be a police officer ever again no please your honor I love being a cop what about Simmons he shot too he only shot because he saw you shoot this is all your fault now hand over your badge Lord hand it over oh okay Marvin Marvin did you see the news about the cop who shot at a guy over an acorn yeah I just watched the cops episode that cop is such an idiot yeah what a bozo hey I'm not a b boo baby look it's the acorn shooter Acorn shooter is that what they're calling me now that was you you piece of [ __ ] hey can I have an autograph I don't know I just feel bad about this whole thing okay do you want that from Acorn shooter or a piece of [ __ ] both okay Acorn shooter can you make that out to my niece what's her name Lucy to Lucy watch out for those acorns Acorn shooter piece of [ __ ] hey can we get a picture together okay say cheese oh don't make this even better hold on oh say acorn acorn but like I was saying I just feel so bad about this whole thing I feel partially responsible but I don't understand how you mistook a acorn hitting your car for a gunshot hey it was a really loud Acorn okay it must have fallen from like 35,000 ft I thought it was a meteor slamming into the Earth like boom like I thought it was a cannon from a pirate ship shooting at me I thought I was shooting at Captain Hook well listen I I don't know what kind of punishment you got but you deserved it well they fired me I'm not allowed to be a cop anymore well that's for the best well tell me something bad about you well every time I pee it dribbles a little bit in my pants haha pee pants maybe you shouldn't have to wear pants anymore huh how about that maybe that's for the best may maybe it's your fault that your penis leaks how about that listen you shot at a guy over an acorn sound well when you put it like that it sounds worse yeah so I just want to be a cop again well well you don't need to be a cop you're a doctor and a firefighter and a pilot yeah but I want to be a cop I had so much power I could do anything I wanted well go be a mall cop Marvin I don't weigh 400 lb I don't own a Segway they're not going to let me do that well then give up on being a cop and then focus on your other jobs no I want to be a cop and I have a plan what is it okay so maybe if I do something really good people will forget about the bad thing I did so I need you to strap a fake bomb to your chest and then get on an American Airlines flight and then halfway I need you to stand up and say I'm going to blow up this plane and then I'm going to say Oh no you're not and then I'm going to tackle you and say you're not going to do another 911 on my watch buddy and then I'll be a hero and then make me a cop again but then I would go to jail for the rest of my life at Guantanamo Bay yeah but I'll come visit is it you I'm a cop I'm not doing that oh come on Marvin I do it for you no you wouldn't yeah you're right but come on please no think of something else okay well I'm a pilot so maybe I could fly through a bunch of birds and then land my plane in the Hudson River but where would I find the birds I'd have to fly around for a while and hope I ran into some birds low in New York that's not going to work man he got really lucky I bet he gets sucked off all the time whenever he wants I want Tom Hanks to play me in a movie well then do something good we we got to do the bomb thing Tom Hanks would love that no we're not doing the bomb thing think it's look there's got to be something else in the world that's really good that would make your name look good I don't know just saving a plane is like the peak American hero thing to do oh look the news breaking news m a murderer known as the trash bag Strangler who goes around strangling women and putting their bodies in trash bags has claimed another victim taking the death toll up to 19 police are urging women not to go outside and if you see man in all black he's probably going to strangle you and put you in a trash bag Morphin I never want to go outside again I have a plan what what if Rose goes outside with a trash bag and whenever that guy shows up to kill her and put her in the bag I shoot him in the head and then I'm a hero and then they'll make me a cop again and then I'll eat a toaster strudel and then I'll be happy and I'll do my happy dance what if you miss and then shoot me instead I never miss you Miss today shooting at a guy sitting in a cop car handcuffed and you were a foot away from him yeah and it's a good thing I missed too cuz otherwise I would have killed an innocent man but you were trying to kill him I was trying to but I didn't and that makes it okay look I'm not going to miss this time come on Rose okay I'm going to stay inside in the nice warm house where it's safe with my gun and you stand out here in the cold with that trash bag until the scary Strangler shows up and starts strangling you then when he starts strangling you I'm going to open the door and shoot him in the head wait why are you waiting for him to strangle me to shoot him shoot him when he walks up well I got to make sure it's the Strangler before I shoot him I got to catch him in the a I don't want to be strangled have fun la I'm just a girl alone holding a trash B I'm going to strangle you John Jacob Jingle Schmid his name is my name too how is his name my name too is my name John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt cuz that's not my name is it that common of a name what a weird song why am I singing it oh oh [ __ ] I forgot yeah hold on okay okay I'm here I got him just hold on um oh damn this is hard hold still uh damn it I missed I can't stop choking her I'm going get I'm don't worry oh God's sake but hold on this I can feel the trick you're breaking yeah I can too maybe oh come on okay okay what what would Alec Baldwin do this is a prop gun okay I got him I saved you all right now we just got to tell the judge well Mr guy you did it you did something so good good it overpowered all the bad you've done in the past I hereby order you to be allowed to be a cop again yay how you feeling baby hey everybody guess what I'm a cop again and it's all thanks to you Rose you piece of [ __ ] yeah I know I took a really long time to shoot him but hey I got my aim back that that was the point of this video right to get my aim back that that that's what it was about me not having good aim that's it that's the only thing that was wrong with me just the aim [Music] thing so guys what do you want to do today well the seventh annual talent shows tonight me and Timmy are entering a talent show what kind of talent do you butt buddies have besides stretching your butts well Timmy can sing well so can you I want to join the talent show what talent do you have Junior uh I could do magic tricks no you can't yeah I can I'll be the best magician ever and I'll beat you guys oh dude I'm going to join the talent show what talent do you have my talent is on my shirt dude the color green is not a Talent dude you're stupid it's obviously balling well don't steal our idea e not that ball basketball idiot I want to do talent show all right how about we all join the talent show and whoever wins wins well that is how it works yeah you're going down guys yeah you're all going down hello hello and welcome to the seventh annual talent show the winner today will win this big gold trophy in a million dollars now let's meet the judges the first judge is Leroy butter bottom hello everybody the next judge is the always mad and never impressed bald Simon cowl I am not amused I don't care about anything and the third judge is the daughter of Hubba Bubba Lisa Bubba I'm chewing double bubble because I hate my dad dad your gum sucks dad let the talent show begin hi everybody my name's Penelope and I can hula hoop for a really long time go what the hell was that oh sweetie never try that again that was so terrible it made one of my kidneys fail ouch I'm so sorry who's next m m the Cs are open huh oh hey everybody I am Brooklyn guy and this here is my partner Simmons hello everyone hello and today we we I I mean I I am going to be shooting an apple off of Simon's head while blindfolded and plastered drunk if I got behind the wheel of a car right now I'd kill somebody all right Simmons you ready yeah bud let's go okay Apple where are you little Scamp let me see oh that feels right [Music] okay what what did I get it did I hit the Apple oh [ __ ] oh no I just killed Simmons oh guys we saw someone die I've seen better homicides than a Looney Tune hey everyone I'm Junior the magician and he sucks I don't suck I'm actually good at Magic you guys be the judge if I suck or not so today's trick I'm going to be sawing Chef peee in half no the hell he's not I have to for the talent show no you're not you're not sawing me in half and killing me for a talent show I'm not going to actually kill you Chef Pee well we're not going to find out cuz you not saw me in half please no okay sorry everyone there was a change in today's trick lineup M uh the next trick I'm going to make Chef peee disappear just put this blanket over him put the blanket over him all right and on the count of three Chef peee is going to disappear in front of your eyes One ow two that hurts Junior three damn it I'm out of here T I made Chef peee disappear oh my God where did he go he just disappeared out of thin air oh my God it's crazy two stretchy but holes two stretchy but holes for me I'm not impressed are there any more tricks okay for my final trick I will be grabbing a random card from this deck of cards showing it to the judges and then putting the card back in the deck and then letting one of the judges Shuffle the deck and then I will then find that card I showed the judges okay uh this card what card is that don't tell me I grab a different card this one okay I I do not know know which card that is and I will grab the deck and hand it to the judge all right who would like to shuffle the deck oh me me get my nickas wet did he just say a bad word he can say it you suck at shuffling well you shuffle them okay it doesn't have to be that good just just just anything I'm doing it do it my way all right okay I have gotten the deck back from the judges and it's all sh there's no way I would know the card I just showed you guys that's why it's going to be the one that I choose right now is this the card I showed you earlier no it's not no it's not oh well I had a one and 52 chance and I didn't get it but if I would have gotten it that would have been crazy good night everybody my God does anyone have any real talent in this town Who's name [Music] next it's to [Music] feel bend me over spank me slap me spit on me and choke me Daddy touch my body make me happy make my cheeks go clappy clappy hi my name is Timmy's Daddy slurps on me cuz I'm a Badd gaining weight my schl is fatty eats it like a crabby patty righty daddy harder Daddy I need to be punished daddy take it Timmy tug it Timmy you need to be punished Timmy take this wood like you should damn Timmy it feels so good feels so good because that's how it's supposed to feel thank you everybody yeah thank you thank you Jimmy oh wait wait wait can't forget this oh my God I love it I love it Bravo uncore Oscar that would be a Grammy they Des up all of them they did perfect oh my God I loved it wo that was the most homosexual thing I've ever seen I kind of like that I loved it hi guys my name is Joseph and I'm going to do the sickest nastiest slam duck ever recorded I'm a Aly to myself off the backboard 360 slam duk windmill watch [Music] [Music] this what [ __ ] I'm Kobe before the helicopter [ __ ] [ __ ] with your boy yeah yeah the dunk it was Splendid but I could do with the Kobe Comet throwing a ball in a hoop is not impressive I thought it was cool oh my God he's like LeBron James hello today my name is screw ball and I'm a clown and my talent is is I make animal balloons out of balloons for kids at their birthday parties so my first animal is a snake the next animal is a worm the next animal is a caterpillar with no legs and the next animal is an eel and the next animal is a centipede with no legs and the next animal is a crocodile with no legs and no arms and the next animal is a green giraffe with no legs this is just a dinosaur dick and for my grand [Music] finale Kermit the Frog's dick Tada I noticed that all of them were like the same shape duh that's the magic he's only making one balloon why not make a dog or perhaps a spider all those are too hard they're not too hard because I made a dog under the table while you were doing all of that find a new talent because this one isn't it you make me sick I'm sorry well someone please come out with some goddamn Talent hey everybody my name is Patrick and I'm a van trer quiz and this here's my vant triloquist dummy I'm not a dummy you're the dummy little Patrick that's not very nice now little Patrick what do you like to do for fun well there's not much I can do with your hand up my butt little Patrick you're not supposed to tell people put my hand up your butt but I just want you to stop doing it please shut up little Patrick I'm now going to take a simple water while I let little Patrick do all the Talking hey everybody I'm little Patrick it's really hard to talk when you to water I almost drowned I wish you had drowned little Patrick that's not nice I'm going to go give you a spanking good night everybody Leo Patrick I can't believe you embarrass me like that out there well I just want you stop putting your hand in my butt I w't put my hand in your butt i' like to see you try little Patrick okay get your hand my butt little Patrick somebody help me somebody help me little Patrick get his hands at my butt I'm starting to think he's controlling that thing no [ __ ] Nimrod is that his little brother hey hey there I'm homeless but I don't know how to juggle I'm going to juggle these beer bottles usually they Whistle Back to juggling all D okay well good night everybody thank you is security not checking who's coming in here Maurice don't let any more goddamn hobos in the building hey everyone my name is Jeffy and my talent is that I can do Impressions go on hot dog how G everybody who wants to see my rat dick haha Miss Piggy I know you're cheeny on me you two timing [ __ ] you bang Burt and Ernie at the same time go to the strip club but that cost me [Music] money chy wants you to know that he [ __ ] his pants M get your fat ass over here M talk backwards I do stroke a hat something came in the mail today these nuts got him got him hello my friend I've never flown a plane before what up for that building mace name's D plane that's hit the South Tower my bad oh my God that was amazing how you have that many people inside you I've never had that many people inside me maybe a few no but like really how did he do that how did he have so many voices coming out of him mimicking people with actual talent is not a talent get off my stage that was the last contestant let's see who the judges choose to be the winner if it were up to me all of these contestants would lose I refuse to pick a winner and you can't make me well I love the gay song but that's just me oh my God me too really yeah my god well how about my balloon dog yeah that was pretty cool it was pretty nice who votes I win that settles it I keep my million dollars thanks for watching see you next season oh for the sth year in a row it looks like bald Simon cowl wins I can't believe none of us won yeah dude that judge totally robbed us bald Simon Cowell does that every year he's won seven years in a row with his stupid balloon in and nobody saw that coming I really thought our song could beat his balloon animal this year what about my magic tricks you get the card wrong Junior nah my dunk would have brought Kobe back to life [ __ ] damn Joseph that's two Kobe jokes in one video calm down but it's true well I made Chef peipe disappear I get voices yes you did uh Cody you forgot to get the other ball out there were two up there [Music] damn [Music] he
