Skyblock: The Great Potato War

techno blade where have you been all this time well you see I've been farming potatoes and Skyblock that wasn't a joke it all started months ago I just got an asset of superior armor and wanted hot potato books to upgrade it I could have just bought some from the auction like a normal person what if hypixel is taught me anything it's that if you have a problem the answer is slavery so I had 20 potato minions with 20 enchanted lava buckets 20 super compactors 20 diamond spread ends because it's just free money get this upgrade and with this setup I was making about 240 mm potatoes per day at this point I had enough potatoes for my armor I could have stopped I could have put an end to this but I thought no no what if I went even further you can check your rank and in each individual collection and I was already top 50 in potatoes I decided at that moment that I was going to be the number 1 potato farmer in Skyblock how hard could it be first I needed to get more minion sauce now I already spent a lot of time get into 20 million slots because I believe minions are important I mean they work 24/7 gathering resources even if you never bother to log in and as such represent the only way to achieve the dream that all Skyblock players share which is to not have to play anymore unfortunately each minion slot requires exponentially more resources than the last so I did what any self-respecting Skyblock player would do and sat in the shop menu by an ice for 30 minutes I'm having fun I dropped out of college for this and after spending many hours and 15 million coins I finally unlocked the twenty second minion slot at this point I thought I had first place in the bag I mean there's only a couple of solo players that have 23 minion slots and I figured if anyone went to that much trouble to get more minion slots they'd probably spend it on the minion that actually makes money like clay minions but I thought to myself you know what I'm gonna go even more overkill all right I'm gonna upgrade my level seven potato minions to level 9 now you might behave yourself techno blades isn't that obvious isn't it just more potatoes why wouldn't you do that immediately no no it's not all right upgrading past level 7 our minions never make sense you're never getting that money back because upgrading cost over a hundred thousand potatoes just to get to potato nine that'll take over two months to get that money back over eight months for level 11 it's just a bad idea oh but techno blade isn't that just a term investment no no it's not remember cactus farm tremor hell they were great for like five days and then the admins obliterated them in an update yeah you really think your dreams are gonna go that long without getting crushed by the admins no no you're never seeing that money again I'm sorry it's gone but I wasn't farming potatoes for profit I was farming them for honor for glory so I started upgrading them to level nine my last hidden weapon was the farm and crystal which increases the speed of nearby farm and minions by ten percent I could only fit twelve minions in that radius but I thought you know what whatever I'll just make a second farm crystal here we go okay no no I'm glad Skyblock tells you that after we make a second crystal I mean it's not like you could just tell me that after I make the first crystal whatever it's not a total waste of money at least I can auction thank you high pixel if I wanted to fit all my minions in that eight block radius I'd have to think in the third dimension and so after restructuring my farm the potato pyramid was complete yield and 309,000 potatoes per day but as an ex English major I decided that math wasn't enough to defeat my enemies I needed to consult the classics in the art of war son Zhu says if you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the result of a hundred battles so I decided to do some investigative journalism I discovered a forum post from September in which a user named I'm a squid kid bragged about being ranked number one in potatoes my stock in his profile I found another post weeks later in which he suggested he was now around 7 million potatoes by putting these two data values on a grid I could calculate the slope to estimate his average daily potato yield it wasn't perfect but it was the best method I could think of to estimate how strong his potato farm was I mean it's not like I could just go to his Island and and look at it wait that worked but what I found shocked me to my very core no no this can't be this man made eight potato eleven minions and then he painted the Mona Lisa who was at this moment I realized that I wasn't dealing with the potato madman but a potato supervillain at this point I fell into despair all sense of rationality even the slightest hope of making his money back this man had thrown them all away to farm potatoes I had two more minion slots than him but his minions were so high level that he was still making more potatoes than me at three hundred and ten thousand potatoes per day but I wasn't even worried about his potato farm I mean I still had some minions to upgrade I was confident I could make a stronger farm I was worried about his head start the month I spent farm in the pig man sword he had already been farming potatoes according to my calculations he was already seven and a half million potatoes ahead of me even if all my minions magically became level 11 at that very moment it would take a hundred and seven days to catch up I can't go that long without uploading my fans will murder me so was that it was my quest to become the number one potato farmer and Skyblock destined to end in failure no no I refused the sunk cost fallacy wouldn't allow it if I wanted to defeat a man that had descended into potato badness I would have to take his insanity and triple it it was at this moment I spoke words that had never been uttered in the history of Skyblock I should get minion expanders minion expanders have long been known as the most useless item in Skyblock so you know how all minions have this like 5x5 area in which they work they don't actually need this area they could work with one block just as fine because all I do is break a block and then they place it right back and they don't need options so what the minion expander does is it turns that 5x5 area into a seven by seven area why why would the minion need more options so it doesn't get bored but with the Slayer update they added a hidden attribute to minion expanders which buff minions speed by five percent which is still garbage diamonds farting gives like five times the value and I didn't have enough space to put both of them in my minions but unfortunately diamond spread and only gives diamonds if I wanted to become number one I'd have to sacrifice all that free money for five percent more potatoes with the minion expanders taken up so much extra space the potato pyramid was no longer enough to fit all my minions within the farm and crystals radius so I built the potato dome post in five floors the potato dome could fit all 22 expanded minions and after I'd finished upgrading the rest of them to level 9 the potato dome could now produce three hundred and thirty seven thousand potatoes per day at this point the potato was the most powerful potato farm in Skyblock I was ranked 20 on the leaderboards and rise and fast and yet I knew in my heart that it wasn't enough it wasn't even close but what more could I do farm potatoes by hands I actually did for like an hour it made it tiny dent sure it would have worked ventually but come on is mindlessly repeating the same task for hundreds of hours really what sky blocks all about okay yeah pretty much but I wasn't about to do that man when I said a hundred hours I was not kidding and yet as time went on it began to seem like that was truly the only way the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself son zou I'd done it I discovered a critical flaw with squid kids potato farm his minions were too close together now with any other kind of minion that wouldn't have mattered at all but potato minions are unique when they're too close together they'll start trying to plant in spots the other minions already planted and get stuck in an infinite loop dragging down the overall farms potato output by as much as 90% the reason he had to notice this and was still first place in potatoes is because this only happens when someone is online and on the island because otherwise Skyblock just runs a calculation to guess how many resources your minions would have made while you were offline anyways he left the door to his afk machine open so I left my alts in there welcome to the real world squid kid okay can we take a moment to talk about Jerry all right I got Jerry here I got a Jerry there there's actually there's actually two Jerry's in there I have video evidence okay look at this he's multiplying he's undergoing mitosis but that's not all the other day I was just minding my business and then why is he there I knew I couldn't rely just on sabotage to get first place because who knows if there's other people out there just like squid kid throwing away everything just to farm more potatoes so I decided to look into alternate fuel sources for my minions I mean enchanted lava buckets are already the most efficient permanent fuel source in the game but what about temporary fuel sources so I got a bunch of hamster wheels which give twice as much of a boost 50% but for only a day and I threw like a hundred of them into the potato dome and it started making four hundred fifty thousand potatoes per day and so the days went by every day I'd log in an afk on squid kids island with my alt while my minions burned through hamster wheels quickly bringing me into the potato top-10 I was finally making good progress until one day when I went to afk on his Island again oh god he's online what do you want hmm why do you keep doing this I just I just wanted to check on the Last Supper man you afk Don my island for 12 hours it was a good painting I figured squid kid would find it a little bit suspicious if the same guy was afk at his island every day so I got a sec and then I left them both in there be extremely subtle even to the point of formlessness what why why are you guys here I've been buying some enchanted baked potatoes from the auction house it's not the most efficient use of my money but look I need potato eleven minions if I want to catch up as quickly as possible we can't only have two it's not enough well I mean it is enough but I want to upload within the next year but the problem with the auction house is that it's filled with crazy people look at this guy he's been in 3.9 mill for 26 you think that's bad 11 million like I could see someone bid in 7 million on a stack of enchanted baked potatoes 8 million I could understand that 11 million deranged psychopath there's no justification send this man to prison after a couple days of minion farming and buy an enchanted baked potatoes we have a hundred and two which in regular potatoes is over 2.6 million and we can only make we can only make 4 maxed potato minions with it that's all we can make that's how expensive maxed potato minions are they're so good but it doesn't matter because they cost so much it's never going to pay off they're all they're all gone whatever it's it's for the leaderboards I had to sell everything so that I could invest in potatoes man I had to sell my young dragon armor my rare cake collection massively overinflated Halloween items I had to mortgage my house it's crazy out there I actually did pretty well during the Halloween events which allowed me to raise a lot of money but I'm just saying look at the spooky pile right limited edition item with my name and Pig rank stamped on them could you imagine how much money I would make if I put this on the auction I would make dantdm 15 mil water bottle look like tap water he left a sign for me whitelisted what do you want for me I'm just ruining squid kids whole life he's traumatized he's just living in fear why are they here why do they keep showing up but a few days I ran out of hamster wheels and I had to resort to my final weapon the catalyst the catalyst is the strongest fuel source in the game triple in your minion output but they only last for three hours fortunately I had a couple with the power of catalysts my potato output skyrocketed and I put that all back into leveling up my minions and in a matter of days I had 22 potato 11 minions producing 890 3000 potatoes per day I don't make hot potato books I'm a caught potato libraries originally if I'd have to go bankrupt buying catalysts if I wanted to catch up to squid kid but I actually discovered that catalysts are amazing I can buy the materials to make one for like 10,000 coins on the auction and then each of them makes 14,000 coins and potatoes this is a miracle it's free money so every day I sold hot potato books and then I bought more crystals and then I sold more hot potato books and then I bought more crystals and that's the story of how I made infinite money well not really cuz you can only use so money per day but I made a lot and now I was ranked 3 in potatoes I did some more investigative journalism and found the guy ranked number 2 in potatoes I'm gonna give you guys three guesses as to who left a funny rated on his post squid kid I was right on his tail but I decided to visit his Island to see just how strong his potato farm was oh this is a joke this this is pathetic only 18 million slots this this is just sad I've seen Irish famines with more potatoes in this farm you might get away with this farm and some garbage vegetable like carrots but potatoes how dare you oh my god this crystal this crystal it only covers five of these minions oh I'm gonna throw up against a friend like that I easily took rank number two it seemed like I was only one step away from my potato dreams and yet squid kid had been so dominant on the potato leaderboards that he was still 3 million potatoes ahead but with catalysts such a lead could be destroyed in a matter of days still to be safe I kept a fkn on his Island until one day I checked my alts window for a moment and the island was full two guys I'd never heard of before had called the police on squid kid and brought a helper to investigate him who called the police whitelisted are you squid kids all no I just afk here a lot as a hobby I'm so suspicious he doesn't believe me at all I'm getting banned they'd been investigating while squid kid was offline I met him later that day and decided to warn him squid I know we've had our differences but the police are after you man I saw a helper I saw a helper squid there were two dudes squid they came to your Island with what the helper they were snitching I don't know why I need names okay let me get my screenshots I gotta be careful man the snitches be everywhere anyways I'm gonna go afk now just act natural it seemed strange to be helping my number-one enemy but his sheer dedication to farm and potatoes had earned my respect I had to give him help from one potato brother to another also I'm deeply scared of him did you see what he said when I told him the names names noted that is serial killer talk we ain't gonna be hearing from those two guys ever again I kept farming potatoes and in a matter of days squid kids lead was almost completely destroyed and yet squid kid himself had no idea he even put a billboard on his Island number one in potatoes but why would he suspect just a few days ago he'd seen proof on the forums that he was millions in the lead the poor fool had no idea what was coming has it updated it hasn't updated our I'm going to the hub as it updated number one in potato list to celebrate I took my two alts and my main account and then I afk Don all three of them hey I think at this point squid kid knew that the alts were mine but he was so confused why why had techno blade been a fkn on his island for weeks he was so confused that he didn't even realize that his potato leaderboard spot had already been taken so I went to confront him myself one final time what do you want why are you doing this your potato ranked ones what is now my this check is checking for years my machinations way undetected this is squid squid I found a problem with your island a critical flaw get over here over here squid squid get over here this sign it has the wrong number pretty bad week for squid kid overall I'd say first he got arrested and then I cyber bullied him but it had to be done and let me just say there is no chance of him catching up I even got 23 minion slots just to bury any hope he had this spot is mine and that's the story of how I became number one on the potato leaderboards and we lived happily ever after all the loose ends finally tied together well except for one thing oh god there's another one there's another Jerry and he's staring right at me mmm there's another one there's a cherry in the water I went out there I don't understand what do you want what do you want hmm there's no cherry on the bridge if they've got me surrounded I don't understand [Music]

Channel: Technoblade

Views: 18,014,285

Rating: 4.966434 out of 5

Keywords: Minecraft, Technoblade, Technothepig, Hypixel, skyblock, hypixel skyblock, minecraft skyblock, skyblock slayer update, skyblock potato, potato leaderboard, skyblock leaderboards, skyblock rank 1

Id: 5qjnDd1rsII

Length: 18min 24sec (1104 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 13 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/xpzlol]

Now he's gonna make a video on the foraging update involving:

Gustave, guber's more annoying brother

Melody, the musical genius who wants you to fight to the death with low ping nons to play a harp

Romeo: the bespectacled terror that has cursed this land with his requests of poppy gathering and tuxedo wearing while his girlfriend does nothing for him.

And last but not least the campfire dudes, who want to see you burn and die in a fire.