Should We Play It Cool When We Like Someone?

One of the paradoxes of the dating game is that we know that by coming across as enthusiastic at an early stage If we bring them the next day if we're open about how attractive we find them if we suggest meeting them again very soon we are putting ourselves at a high risk of disgusting the very person we would so like to build a relationship with It is in order to counter this risk that early on in our dating lives we are taught by well-meaning friends to adopt a facade of cruel and indifference we become experts are deliberately not phoning or sending messages are treating our dates in a Carefully offhand manner and in subtly pretending we don't much care if we never cross their paths again we are told that the only way to get them to care about us is to pretend not to care for them and in the process We waste a lot of time We may lose them altogether and we have to suffer the indignity of denying that we feel a desire that should never have been associated with shame in the first place But we can find a way out of the conundrum by drilling deeper into the philosophy That underpins the well flagged danger of being overly eager Why is detachment so often recommended? Why are we not meant to call too soon? High levels of enthusiasm are generally not recommended for one central reason because they have been equated with what is a true Psychological problem manic dependence in other words calling too soon has become a symbol of weakness Desperation and the inability to deal adequately with life's challenges without the constant support of a lover whose real identity the manically keen party doesn't much care about Because their underlying priority is to ensure that they're never alone without someone Rather than with any one being in particular But we should note that what is ultimately the problem is manic dependence not high enthusiasm The difficulty is that our cultural narratives have unfairly glued These two elements together with an unnecessarily strong a none budging kind of adhesive yet There should logically be an option to disentangle the two strands that is to be able to reveal high enthusiasm And at the same time not thereby to imply manic dependence there should be an option to appear at once very keen and very sane The ability to do so depends on a little-known emotional art to which we seldom have recourse or introduction We call it strong Vulnerability the strongly vulnerable person is a diplomat of the emotions who manages carefully to unite on the one hand self-confidence and independence and on the other a capacity for closeness self revelation and honesty It is a balancing act the strongly vulnerable know how to confess with authority to a sense of feeling small They can sound in control even while revealing that they have an impression of being lost They can talk as adults about their childlike dimensions they can be unfrightening at the same time as admitting to their own fears and they can tell us of their immense desire for us while simultaneously Leaving us under the impression that they could fully survive a frank rejection. They would love to build a life with us They imply but they could very quickly and adroitly find something else to do if that didn't sound much like fun from our side In the way that the strongly vulnerable speak of their desire for us. We sense a beguiling mixture of candor and Independence, they don't need to play it cool because they carry off high enthusiasm in a way which sidesteps the dangers That playing cool has traditionally and nefariously been associated with what is off-putting Is never in fact that someone likes us What is frightening is that they seem in danger of having no options other than us of not being able to survive without us manic dependence not Enthusiasm is only ever the problem with this distinction in mind. We should to tell those we like that we're really extremely keen to see them again perhaps as early as tomorrow night and find them exceptionally marvelous while simultaneously Leaving them in no doubt that we could if the answer were no without trouble and at high speed find some equally enchanting people to play with and be bewitched by If you enjoyed our film, please subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon to turn on notifications To learn more about love try our book on how to find love Which explains why we have the types we do and how our early experiences shape how and whom we love

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 2,268,431

Rating: 4.9369135 out of 5

Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, love, How to act when we like someone, flirting, attraction, psychology of love and attraction, psychology of love lecture, 当我们喜欢某人时，我们该怎么做？, Como devemos agir quando gostamos de alguém?, Comment devrions-nous agir quand nous aimons quelqu'un?, wenn wir jemanden mögen?, ¿Cómo debemos actuar cuando nos gusta alguien?, जब हम किसी को पसंद करते हैं तो हमें कैसे कार्य करना चाहिए?, PL-RELATIONSHIPS, how to

Id: vWy3C38U7Lw

Length: 5min 10sec (310 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 09 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/badass_seaotter]

tl;dr People / girls aren't afraid of you liking them, they're afraid of you being so needy and desperate for company that you can't live without them (what the video calls "manic dependence"). Prove that you have a colorful life full of opportunity and romance--then you can sincerely and excitedly tell people you hope they join you on your adventures, but you don't need them to.

[u/HedoNNN]

For those who want to know how to cultivate strong vulnerability the best recommended book is, for me, still "Models" by Mark Manson.

By applying this principle this is how I got my last 3 girlfriends.

[u/Kye7]

Can I get a TLDW

[u/Futureleak]

Ok, but how do you do it now?

[u/piperson]

This brings up something that I've been coming up against a lot. Girls who are avoidant types in the attachment theory. Many girls are very uncomfortable with having people like them, so if you show signs of liking them beyond just sex, they get spooked and run for the hills. They ghost you. They ignore you in public. They just make things awkward.

I'm still working on this one. It seems that any expressions of affection are met with being pushed away by the girl. With this type you must never tell them that you like them or how they make you feel. You must always keep your poker face up no matter how much you are enjoying the interaction.

Any suggestions on how to work with girls who are afraid of intimacy?

[u/NoDoughThough]

This video was incredible. Straightforward and very informative!

[u/robershow]

I think what’s tough is communicating that you have other options. I’ve done that before and girls don’t seem to care.

[u/bugxter]

Love The School of Life.

[u/intercitty]

Beautiful and straight to the point without any fluff thank you