Why We Pick Difficult Partners

theoretically we are free to select the kind of person we love we might have chosen someone else we're not being forced into a relationship by social convention or matchmaking or dynastic imperatives but in reality our choice of lover is probably a lot less free than we imagined some very real constraints around whom we can love and feel properly attracted to come from a place we might not think to look our childhoods our psychological history strongly predisposes us to fall for only certain types of people we love along grooves formed in childhood we look for people who in many ways recreate the feelings of love we knew when we were small the problem is that the love we imbibed in childhood was unlikely to have been made up simply of generosity tenderness and kindness given the way the world is love was liable to have come in twined with certain painful aspects a feeling of not being quite good enough a love for a parent who was fragile or depressed a sense that one could never be fully vulnerable around a caregiver this predisposes us to look in adulthood for partners who won't necessarily simply be kind to us but who will most importantly feel familiar which can be a subtly but importantly different thing we may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates because they don't satisfy a yearning for the complexities that we associate with love we may describe someone as not sexy or boring when in truth we mean unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real it's common to advise people who are drawn to tricky candidates simply to leave them and find someone more wholesome but this is both theoretically appealing and often practically impossible we cannot magically redirect the Wellsprings of attraction rather than aim for a transformation in the types of people we're attracted to it may be wiser simply to adjust how we respond and behave around the occasionally difficult characters whom our past mandates we will find compelling our problems are often generated because we continue to respond to compelling people in the way that we learn to behave as children around their templates for instance maybe we had a rather irate parent who often raised their voice we loved them and reacted by feeling that when they were angry we must be guilty we got timid or humble now if a partner to whom we are magnetically drawn gets cross we respond as squashed browbeaten children we sulk we feel it's our fault we feel got out and yet deserving of criticism we build up a lot of resentment or perhaps we're drawn to someone with a short fuse which makes us blow up in turn or if we had a fragile vulnerable parent who was easily hurt we readily end up with a partner who's also a bit weak and demands asked to care for them but then we get frustrated by their weakness we tiptoe around them we try to encourage and reassure as we did when we were little but we also condemned this person for being undeserving we probably can't change our templates of attraction but rather than seek to radically re-engineer our instincts what we can do is try to learn to react to desirable candidates not as we did as children but in the more mature and constructive manner of a rational adult there is an enormous opportunity to move ourselves from a childlike to a more adult pattern of response in relation to the difficulties we're attracted to consider this table column a partner's tricky behavior column B the childlike response on our part and column C the more adult response we should aim for so raising our voice could lead to a sense that it's all my fault but the more mature response would be this is their issue I don't have to feel bad or if the partner is rather patronizing the childlike response might be answers stupid but the more adult response would be there are lots of kinds of intelligence and - fine and so on take a moment to look at the chart we're almost certainly with somebody with a particularly naughty set of issues which trigger our desires and our childlike defensive moves the answer isn't to end the relationship but rather to strive to deal with their compelling challenges with some of the wisdom of which we weren't capable when we first encountered these in a parent or caregiver it probably isn't in our remit to locate a wholly grown-up lover but it's always in our remit to behave in more grown-up ways around our lovers less mature sides we hope you enjoyed this film for more from the school of life you can subscribe to our Channel and take a look at our range of products on our website you

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 4,863,604

Rating: 4.8859668 out of 5

Keywords: the school of life, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, London, talk, self, improvement, big questions, love, mindfullness, psychology, how to, difficult, why is my partner so difficult, valentine's day, relationship advice, anger management (medical treatment), PL-RELATIONSHIPS, my girlfriend annoys me, pourquoi mon partenaire est difficile, मेरे साथी मुश्किल क्यों है, Warum ist mein Partner schwierig?, 为什么我的伴侣很难, ¿Por qué mi compañero es difícil?, minha esposa é difícil

Id: Hvysy11716g

Length: 5min 45sec (345 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 30 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/zaywolfe]

Don't read into it too much. My wife is probably the exact opposite of my family in every possible way.

[u/book81able]

The School Of Life is good for some very light introductions to Philosophers, but stay away from any other of their videos. It's just a self help guru selling books and merch disguised as a modern day philosopher.

[u/notjawn]

Yeah I'd love to see the peer-reviewed studies and meta-analysis on this. You're much more likely to choose a partner just like your mother/father than someone your complete opposite. Only younger and naive folks pick difficult partners in attempts to change them.

[u/Dovaldo83]

"Listen, as I explain in a soothing intelligent sounding British voice, why these manipulative shitty behaviors are okay, and maybe even desirable."

I get the logic behind the videos this guy narrates, but the consistent theme of excusing undesirable behaviors or traits makes me suspicious that someone out there commissioned this whole series without any scientific backing to convince his wife not to divorce him for the shitty way he treats her.

[u/[deleted]]

Pseudo science bullshit. This is nothing more than someones opinion.

[u/Icyrow]

This entire video is basically "yeah this is what people say a lot but there is no evidence so just take my word because it sounds vaguely reasonable because you've heard it before, but is really unreasonble when you actually think about it.

[u/xoxoRain517]

Internet reading my mind again.....

[u/BeardedGuy]

Phew, it is very hard to listen to the guy speaking when he has to pronounce everything extremely clearly, also it has a very /r/niceguys ring to it. It sounds like something based on a theory from some random tumblr user, with no base in science at all.

[u/Precedens]

This is utter bullshit. I had abusive sister in my childhood that was obviously (and still is) loved more by our mother, most girls made fun of me or were pretty much indifferent about me. After more than 20 years, when I am 30 now, I do not look for a difficult partner, all I want to do is drama free life after work, where I do not have any stress whatsoever, especially not with a girl I am with.

Also saying that we look for difficult partners because they can push us to our best is shit advice as well. I have pretty good paying job, do triathlons and marathons, working out basically every day maintaining being healthy and sharp, I do things that I like which develop my mental and physical fitness, and all this while being single for years now, only having sex from time to time with random people.

Do you see these couples that are happy on facebook, but when you meet them real life they despise each other? That is exactly what difficult partners look like. If you are kind person and you have difficult partner, even if he/she is not abusive, your energy will be sapped out and instead of aspirations you will feel obliged to do things that your partner is expecting of you. You don't need difficult partner in your life to be pushed to become better person (which does not mean you will be happier), instead you need motivate each other without being 'difficult'.

In order to be your best do difficult things in life, not date difficult people.