Dealing with Unrequited Feelings | Dr. K Interviews

there's no way that's true right that's what your responses you're like sure logically it could be true but you weren't there and you really don't know it's impossible is that how you feel it's impossible yeah it's impossible that she could like you so what's your name buddy my name is head Hayden okay yeah and so tell me Hayden what are we talking about today be sure we're talking about me being an insult okay so why don't we start with this what does that mean it means it just means that I almost sad come okay what is in what ways are you assign count sorry for the story grab my lads this way sure I I don't actually I mean yeah I think you can say [ __ ] I don't think you should say things that are offensive so maybe maybe sorry any word yeah that's just my coach oh sorry yeah that's okay it's good you lift you noticed yeah I'm just a little bit like misogynist and kind of go like a negative view on women I guess okay just from that's strange most misogynists describe themselves as misogynists I don't know I don't usually hear that usually people get called misogynists right oh yeah I've been coda misogynist but okay silly what what is that so I don't think I'm fully misogynist oh just like what so what is it when you say you're a misogynist what is it what does that mean just means just negative you and women what does that mean a negative view on women can you help me understand that I don't know like just so bad things to relate to them okay so let me it seems like it's a little bit tricky for you to answer questions is that are you feeling that way yeah yeah yeah so let's let's just try to understand that first are you feeling nervous yeah yeah like on a scale of one to ten how nervous are you right now uh probably like seven eight okay and what is it that's making you nervous do you think uh just the fact that uh I've watched you a lot i watch all the streamers that you interview so like it's kind of like surreal okay thank you okay so justjust do you think some of your nervousness has to do with what we're talking about or is it just being on stream in general yeah and that but I don't know I just don't really like I don't think I'm the biggest in so you could have caught what the [ __ ] man like what's what's up with all these like people coming on that are not gigantic I don't think there's such thing as like what would the biggest insult look like let's start there just really hates everything I mean I hate everything but like really hates you would look ugly you know the head of you would endure you just I think I'm alright okay I would add I think I'm I don't think I look amazing but yeah you and me both brother thanks okay so what what else is different between you and so that the the ultimate insult the final boss of the insults the clan leader of the in cells would be uglier than you are what else would be different about him he'd be a man male yeah okay can you be a female and sell yes okay so that's kind of confusing because you know I asked you like what's an in sell and then you kind of talk started talking about misogyny so what's an insult but just explain it to us like help us understand you got understand right so like back in my day I mean I was probably an insult but they didn't exist so how is more common today cuz the internet like you know I don't really social a lot so like this just the fact that I just stay inside enjoy the time okay what does I don't have to do with you being an insult because I have an opportunity to be in a relationship or they women you don't have an opportunity well less of an opportunity but okay like but yet and but also with like the culture today I think makes for more in sales as well max there are a lot of insults right now I mean you take maximal cells as well no I said wait what was a lot of in cells okay so let's start with this what is the term in cell stand for involuntary celibate picture and help me understand what that means not your choice to be single okay so whose choice is it that you're single it's a woman's fault I don't know okay so let's talk about that how is it the woman's women or a woman let's start there women i matter I don't necessarily agree with that I think it can be it can be but I also like its sorry mind afraid we're gonna be perceived Hayden a little bit but not really really cuz I'm getting a lot of hesitation from you and I'm trying to figure out if that has me I just like generally not know I'm just like not clear in my thoughts okay like I've been thinking about it coming up to the interview but like I've had conversations in my head with you but it's never likely cut like this is what I think this is my opinion it's always like Mackie and like yeah this and this so so let's start there Hayden is this a place where we want people to have clear-cut thoughts and opinions you know is that what people come here for uh no I don't think so yeah so what do people come here for uh take it to help understand the way you think about things okay and so like if I take two people so let's say that our audience is interested in understanding the way that they think and I give them two options one is someone who has done a lot of thinking and is very clear and they're thinking and the other one doesn't understand what the [ __ ] they think and they're thinking is very murky which one do you think our audio which one do you think helps our audience more fake laying straight like to the point person how because you can easily help him understand way he's going wrong well I think you can more than any guy that doesn't know so I actually disagree so the first thing is you have a presumption that the clear-headed person is going somewhere wrong which I don't accept that like I don't think that it's not my job to tell people where they're thinking is flawed right because I just for this situation like I think being an in cell and big misogynist is wrong why but I well I just think it's wrong and stupid but why also it's because I don't know yeah so Hayden I ask you like can we be a little bit critical of ourselves yeah and so the first place that we need to be critical of is placing a value judgment on whether being an insult is a good thing or a bad thing or whether being a misogynist is a good thing or a bad thing nope right so like a I don't know if you've caught some of these streams but a big thing that I've come to appreciate is that our mind does things that are adaptive like anxiety is a protective mechanism right ego is a protective mechanism and so I don't know if that applies to being an insular and misogynist but I'd be curious about that and I think if you want to change which we haven't explicitly talked about but there's you know I kind of had this assumption that you don't want to be an insult anymore is that true Tonda yeah I mean yeah rather have a positive view rather than having in you what's negative about the view of an insult [Music] just how to [Music] I think there is native things like just thinking just judging a person off the agenda is pretty negative but er your judgments accurate I mean if they thought of it I go it's accurate but like if you if you I don't think everybody's like that you know I mean do you think most in cells feel the way that you feel yep that they and what about what about that like do they think that do you think that they don't like being misogynists oh I've no D okay um it's a good answer so hmm so let me I want to share like maybe one or two thoughts and then maybe I can we can ask it kind of different strain of questions because it seems like your thoughts about this aren't clear which other is the first thing I want talk about so that's good I think it's good that you're not clear the reason that our scream helps people is because we take people who have muddy water and we help them clear it up and since other people watch that process like they can clear up their own thoughts whereas if someone comes in with fully formed thoughts that's very clear and understands themselves like that doesn't help us like our audience wants to be that person but they don't know how to get there so let me put it to you this way like what do you think would help people more watching an out-of-shape guy get into shape or watching an in shape guy talk about how he's in shape in the attitude guys absolutely so that's what we're here for we're here for your muddy thoughts we're here for your half-formed thoughts like that's what we want man and and like it's not weird I'm not expecting you to have everything figured out if you you know if you had everything figured out when you would go on a show like you would go on Destiny's stream and like debate it right like people on destinies stream like know what they know and they know what they think and their their beliefs are firmly held like that's why this is the opposite like I want people who don't understand what on earth they think because I don't understand one on earth you think look we're coming we're starting from ignorance not knowledge like that's what the stream is all about it's about ignorance like I start by asking you a question like what's an insult because people think I'm an expert but I don't think you guys get this like do you think I'm an expert what beautiful so you guys do get it right so you we don't expect you to know things and I'm thrilled to hear this because this is a weight off my shoulders because I'm terrified that you guys think I have answers I don't have answers I have questions yeah I know that you have questions no answers great based off the other streams because you know you never see do you say you think you can help somebody don't say you know you can help so absolutely so who's got the answers here they Mir you me absolutely and so you may not know that you have the answers or you may not know what they are yet but my role is to help you figure out what answer you know by asking you questions and that starts with you giving us crappy answers here's how this works I ask you a question you give me a crappy answer I ask you another question you give me a slightly better answer and we do that for about an hour and then hopefully laughs Mansour's who knows what do you think about that damn it makes sense can I rely on you to give me just shitty ass answers yep awesome dude thank you very much so let me ask you this how long have you been in itself pretty much okay so so and alright like could you explain a like the red pill blackwell stuff cuz I think that might help I don't know what that is now then don't worry but yeah well if gets out can you explain it no I just hate people talk about it it's like your assistant asked me about it but okay I didn't know what I don't understand what black pill is but I can explain to you what I know so when I was in college there's this thing that started becoming popular called pickup artists or the PUA community and these were people that thought that essentially getting laid or picking up a girl for a short term sexual satisfaction was like a skill and I think they're right in a sense right so like being able to convince someone to have sex with you is sort of like becoming is like selling a car like it's a skill that you can learn and so what happened is I think that they took what was then the insel community and gave them a light of hope they said that you can get laid too and all you have to do is like work with us and we're artists were pickup artists so we're gonna get and they can't started coming up with all of these in my opinion pseudo scientific concepts they think that they're scientific concepts maybe we'll get there I'm not really sure I'm not an expert in that stuff and and they started coming up so they started like explaining to people that like you're an insulin there's like biology involved and it's anyway so like they started sort of supporting their things with scientific theories and then over time I think this became the red pill community and my understanding of the red pill community is that they're a group of people who believe that men have falsely been lured into a perception about the dynamics between men and women so that like there are some value judgments like marriage and monogamy which are not like which are sort of like I don't really understand this stuff but the best way I can put it is that like some of the assumptions that we have about the relationships between men and women are actually false and this is an analogy from the matrix about like do you want to live in a world of false comfort or do you want to face reality and take the red pill and see things as they are so in that kind of idea they sort of say that like you know some of these like monogamy and other kinds of concepts or like blue pill concepts and then so that's a big part of red pill and I think the other big part of red I mean there are lots of big parts of red pill but as best as I can understand there is also this concept of alphas and betas which is like an alpha is like a Chad and and so that means like a dude who can get women and a beta is a dude who either cannot get women or gets women in a way that sacrifices a lot of his power and there's like there's like power dynamic I think really alpha and beta is not about getting laid the best I can understand it's about a power dynamic between men and women and that's what I understand I actually literally do not know what black pill is so like at some point maybe in the early like 2010-2011 I sort of like lost track of the evolution of the pickup artists or red pill community which I was at in essence like sort of a part of in the sense that I had friends who were really into pickup artists and I like read some of their stuff and things like that because I couldn't get a girlfriend how old are you by the way I'm 21 yeah so like I I had real I had never really dated a girl by the time I was your age and you know I went to college and like my freshman and sophomore year I like tried to date women and it just ended catastrophic ly every single time yeah like I think I'm like a like a beta but what does that mean I don't well as you said somebody that uh isn't outgoing you know isn't doesn't approach women I can't chat them up yeah Sarah and I think I'm just a beta that doesn't seem it doesn't like suck up to women or anything like that okay so what is what does that mean suck up to women what I mean just treat them like royalty out of there okay how do you treat women uh just like I would a date is normal okay she's like human a human human a human and and what about where does the misogyny come in there because that doesn't sound very misogynistic me at all I mean some women they have like egos or like yeah baby what what do we go to sickle women do to man some depends well some lead him on some how does that work and well why would a woman lead on a man what does that look like and like what it for Lester Otis what is leading a dude on look like it just looks like just teasing with him just playing with him just like giving him false heart and then and then only using him for her benefit yeah yeah does that happen to you yep can you tell us about that yeah just a situation where those friends of a cheek we got along the look but yeah I was asleep last year okay can you tell us about her you don't have to give like identifying details but like like what kind of person was she like what did you like about her she's hot okay the most important thing yep we got along I mean like like we like thought alike we how did you guys meet through a friend like Oh interesting well no we met we I went clubbing with her and then after that yeah basically huh do betas go clubbing no but I do well I'm a beta vote linkage Oh interest I don't like clubbing but I'm shipping it but yeah I'm surprised to hear that I usually when I imagine a beta I think about you know someone who's in a room like this with electronics and they don't go out and go clubbing it's weird I mean I have friends and like sort of a social life but Flake citizen a so you were out clubbing and you met her while clubbing yeah like whoa she's friends with my friends silly he invited me out to go clubbing with him in like then what and then I went out is he an insult your friend yeah okay but he's friends with hot girls I mean yeah he doesn't have a chance but yeah he's friends with food hmm interesting why don't you think he has a chance because there's always someone better than him in what wakes was looks-wise yeah so people who are better looking than he is yeah and if there's someone better looking than he is he doesn't stand a chance yeah probably okay so what you're telling me is that your perception is that women choose men solely based on looks I mean yeah I think it's a big pop I don't think solely based on looks okay so what else so how do you think women make choices about who they date whoa I think looks and personality in tennis shoes only they like him personality yeah and how much they like them okay so maybe we can kind of get to some of those abstract things in a little bit can can we go back to so you met this girl she was a friend of your friends and she was hot you all were at a club together and did you interact with her when I was out Tommy I awkwardly dancing yeah well enough to his yeah nothing happened in the back slit wake up when you talk to a lady danced did you dance with her yeah the news cringe okay how do you know it was cringe because it just was awkward you felt awkward it was super good okay and so then what happens well then she hooked up with a black dude that was attracted I see at the club that night yep and what is what is hooking up mean just hooking up kissing kissing so you saw them I mean yeah which doing it doing this thing alright I saw I know this is gonna sound bizarre Hayden but I don't know what hooking up means like literally I don't know if that means they had sex I don't know if that means they just uh just thought I'm making up from the club okay and and so did you want to make out with her in the club yeah probably and you saw them making out yep and do you remember how you felt when you saw that I mean yep how did you feel missed opportunity missed opportunity that sounds like a watered down answer to me buddy I think about missed opportunities like so you play games dude yeah so like you familiar with this game Jedi fallen order or whatever yeah kind of haven't watched any gameplay but yeah so yeah I bought this game when this kovat stuff was starting and then about three days after I bought the game it went on sale and so I felt like that was a missed opportunity like oh I could have saved like when I think about the phrase missed opportunity I sort of think about and maybe this is like my perception okay so I'm just sharing with you what I hear when you say that like I think about like oh I could have saved 15 bucks like man that was a missed opportunity I think of it like if I was more confident in this like socially awkward and anxious I could have done better so you know didn't have to you know but yeah did you think that maybe you would be better if you were black yep and being black is important because you'd have a bigger dick and look better than Tina it alone yeah so it would you say you don't have that advantage this guy has the I know it's funny what's funny about it it's [ __ ] weird to say isn't it say we're both thinking about the dick size right no no oh just me yeah yeah I just think about the big size when it comes to black man when you're you know what I'm sorry I said it's part of the package it's part of the package yeah so it's like yeah you kind of think about that yeah yeah for a second there I was like maybe oh I guess just dr. K thinks about black dicks like that's just me projecting what's in your head but I'm sure awesome man so yeah so you you kind of thought like so what I'm seeing is that you know you thought that you could have been better if you were black I mean like I think part of its like social like I'm just says if you're anxious and socially awkward and I'm like super like self aware as well so then it just makes everything worse sure anxiety oh yeah no I notice it and then I dance li awkwardly I don't like this [ __ ] cringe like and then yeah that and then yes super awkward and cringe well I'm not a very good dancer so that's pretty oh good how did you feel when you saw her making out with the dude I mean nice - it is what it is right that's a thought how did you feel feel like [ __ ] what does that mean just say I don't know I could have done better okay just feeling [ __ ] okay so we can I'm gonna I'm gonna move us along if that's okay Hayden but I just think it you know I think it's worthwhile noting that like feeling like [ __ ] I hear what you're saying and I kind of know what you mean but I think there are a lot of feelings there right so yeah like I just felt like I wasn't good enough yeah they're not good enough and also that like I'm also getting a sense of powerlessness about this situation like like I'm getting some amount of self-loathing some amount of shame and also some amount of power so like let me take a stab at what may be your thoughts are you know see you kind of sit like I can just imagine like you're kind of dancing with this girl and it probably was like hard to even like get up the courage to even dance with her right like if you feel kind of cringe and awkward and like you're not confident in yourself like it takes a lot to even take that first step and then she kind of like you you put in like a lot of work to like overcome your anxiety and you dance with her and then she goes off and makes out with a black dude and dip and looking at that probably hurts right so I'm just gonna toss out like what I can imagine you felt or maybe a better way to put it is remember the way that I felt when I talked to a girl at a party when I was a freshman in college and you know it was hard and then she ended up talking to another guy or leaving with another guy I felt like things were unfair I felt like I was cursed because you know in your situation I didn't I don't remember having these particular thoughts but like you know you were kind of saying wait because he's black this is why this is happening there's there's there's a sense of you know you're what you get is not yours to control because you're not black let's not judge the thoughts I see you judging the thoughts are you judging the thoughts what do you mean what like are you saying these thoughts are stupid no okay what do you know what do you think I agree I agree with them I'm just thinking like just yeah nothing so I think there's something about alike powerlessness and sort of the sense that things are out of your control but the funny thing is like you also blame yourself right language sort of doesn't make sense because either it's out of your control or it's in your control but you manage to beat yourself up with both of those things it's like right hook left hook you know it's like oh but like if you were better then she would be talking to you instead of dude and if you were black she would be talking to you so it's kind of like you're screwed because you're not black and you're also screwed because you're awkward and cringe and you're anxious and so like it's your fault and it's out of your control that's a terrible place to be feels yeah place to be yeah I also think that um if I wasn't awkward and cringe I could like not care as much is like like losing missing that opportunity well not it wouldn't be missing opportunity just that never happening cuz there's plenty more option nice I could you know go laugh it no get but uh yeah yeah so what happened next nothing just said yeah Ron discord oh yeah now we went back to her friend's house we all slept in the same room and hold on we should she you and her went back to her friend's house and y'all slept in the same yeah yeah no I mean no but we'll all in there because it was her friend's mother's house so we all went back to there and that yeah we just went to bed watched a movie okay and then in the morning telling in the morning no I just made a laugh and we played games on discord you made her laugh how did it feel to do that oh I'll make a little people s ego but wait but yes how did it feel [ __ ] so when I ask you how you feel and your answer is I make a lot of people laugh what are you doing there why do you say that what is your mind doing kissa is making people laugh isn't really a big deal to me alright okay I'm not so sure I agree with that I mean it like yeah so I'm gonna toss something out Hayden so I get the sense that what you're doing is I asked you how you felt and my sense is that like you felt good it felt good yeah and then when I asked you how you felt instead of saying good you kind of invalidate the way that you feel by like saying it's not that big of a deal I do it all the time do you see that truth but you're kind of stepping away like you're willfully stepping away from your positive qualities and positive interactions yeah yes missing it essentially yeah you're dismissing your good feelings now why do we do that any idea to protect yourself oh wow I didn't think you'd be able to get there Hayden what are you protecting why does dismissing our good feelings what does that protect us from getting disappointed very good protects you from hope how do you feel that Hope Haven just like if I told you that I think that you don't have to be an insult for the rest of your life how would that make you feel good would it make you feel bad too I mean okay cool so we'll see if I'm not actually saying that yet but we'll see maybe we'll get you there do you think you haven't also yeah yeah I think I think I have hope in the right situation okay so let's explore it Kim can we keep talking is that okay dude so you made her laugh yep did you think you had a shot when you made her laugh no but it was nice to make a lot I mean do you and then you guys started playing you added or on discord yeah we played pub G how did you do that did you ask her for her desk or tidy donors mister and dance cuz uh how did you think about who the messenger had a message her if you didn't know well I like I like sorta talk to a once before we went out so I kind of like kind of had an idea who she was and then afterwards so I just knew who she was and I already had a steam I'm pretty sure from okay like ages ago okay like I don't really know right because like like the reason I'm tunneling down into this because a lot of times getting contact information of women is actually a hard thing for in cells yeah right oh when I was growing up I wasn't really Ninh so but I wasn't in so in the way that I didn't have relationships but tolki two women don't just guess when I was growing up it was like easy yeah pretty easy for me there's a Chad deep within you yeah there's an alpha in there man talking they're just girls was easy Wow impress so then what happens so you guys start playing games on on pub G oh yeah then ya know you like her at this point not at this point I was just getting to know uh talking about [ __ ] then yeah I think I didn't really like it to like later on and it took me a while to develop feelings okay what do you what started to happen what kind of feelings did you develop I couldn't really help it as well like the feelings just uh kind of like kind of trouble I got didn't want to feel that way but I couldn't help what feel so to be in a relationship with it alright okay were you in love with her yeah probably do you think I'm trying to figure out why that's hard for you to say or recognize yeah yeah sounds like you felt a lot yeah yeah probably yeah do in cells usual I mean do in cells fall in love what does that happen to them what do you think no well no no I think they do but then they I don't know I think they can't yeah I think it happens a lot yeah what do you think and that's what I become in so yeah great thought like that's what I was thinking too but can you help me understand you know because the last time I assumed we had the same thought it turned out to be very wrong so why do you think that falling in love helps them along the path of becoming it an insult because I get hurt and then you know they're necessarily oh no they just can't they don't have control yeah hmm what don't they have control over he likes them he doesn't do you can't make someone love you back yeah so what did you start doing what did you do anything differently when you started developing feelings for her yeah outside sir would you sergeant I would sound like a message rim or Oxford or play games well then I'll notice it as well cuz you know needy but well yeah what do you mean by that what does that mean needy well like I want to play games with her kids I'm bored and desperate and she's not so its needy on my end cuz how is that bored and desperate I'm confused well I had nothing but I was born in desperate how do you know she has more because she's not pulling desperate how do you know that though because I'm lost how do you know what her social life is though cuz she tells me I see ok yeah I mean I didn't mean to ask though I was just genuinely curious like you're sort of saying that is that what I'm seeing is like early on you kind of said that you treat women like humans right you don't treat them differently and what I'm seeing is like two people who enjoy playing games together and generally speaking people on discord or bored and desperate like that's that's the average skort user right that's it and and even even the women that I've talked to her played games with who are discord also tend to be pretty bored and desperate they tend to be like I don't see a big gender difference in terms of you know how successful or bored people are or desperate people are on discord just in my own experience we're all gamers the end of the day but anyways so it does sound like she had a pretty active social life so what I'm kinda getting a sense of is is maybe what's needy is that she had a life outside of you but you were noticing that your life started to revolve more around her yeah I think while I was working at the time and like when he was getting bad Legos like don't I was working at a factory so then I'd like so old I had time to think cuz it was like a very boring job so that made it like evil was then it was and I was made what even worse just thinking and being like obsessing kind of hmm and it's just creepy and weird but it is what was happening obsessing what kind of thoughts were you having that's just the situations where you could look at so you were fantasizing about how things could work yeah and and what kind of can you walk us through one of those and if that's too personal it makes you uncomfortable we don't have to do but I'm I'm just the reason I'm asking is because I I'm curious whether what you say is gonna resonate with the people that are watching because I think a big problem here yeah we all have these thoughts but like no like you feel alone with those thoughts right you feel pathetic with those thoughts and the point of saying here is that you're pathetic but you're not alone yeah right we're all pathetic yeah situation oh that's just just I think it's more like her changing changing how oh no it's like I'm trying to remember like it thought oh how would think what would you say I guess it's like ego as well because like like I'll think that you know I'm prettier on date you know and then she she just has open eyes or someone listens sure she just has to see how good you are yeah okay yeah pretty much and so so you start thinking about her more and more yeah and so you're thinking about her while you're working and then you play games with her in the evening and what are you do you have certain hopes like what do you want to happen Hayden what did you want to happen I just want to live happily ever after absolutely with her right yeah not with the black dude she was making out no and and so then what happened so like you're thinking about having building a life with her and you guys just play games together did you ever share your feelings there no [ __ ] that what gets in the way of that cuz she doesn't share the same feelings so what's the point how do you know that kiss if she did so we would be dating okay I want I want to put I want you to just try something for I know that I don't have that said stuff but yep what I just said scented dumb but late so so let's just assume it seems but it ended differently what sounds dumb about that well you can never know what somebody else is thinking yeah but that's not what actually happens in your head right like you don't tell yourself you can't actually know what someone else is thinking yeah well like I'm not gonna tell her my feelings when she's you know clubbing and you know and also yeah no she she tells me wait okay well when I was working in the factory and I was like doing about work and [ __ ] and just losing my mind she she like was messaged me about their guy problems as well so that's pretty low you know what Blair so that's how I what was a low blow about that let's think about that for a second cuz stung me yeah what's what's not oh you're not the one she's having guy problems with yeah well I mean if you want if you want to be the guy she's having guy problems with you can just tell her what your feelings are then you guys can have a problem right you could become part of the drama man well I sit on sidelines I don't know if that's a problem that I want but let's think about that for a second cuz you're saying like I want to be the guy that she texts loser in sells about because she's having problems right you want to be in that role no I don't I don't we message brother [ __ ] okay you don't want to be messaged about that [ __ ] but you want to be the [ __ ] you want to be the [ __ ] that she's messaging other dudes about yeah yeah true enough right so like like she has drama with dudes and you don't want to hear about that because you want to be with her why is she sending you those messages because I'm a pretty straightforward and honest person saying I guess she believes my opinion you're straightforward and honest really maybe enough to you but when we're friends yeah no I apologize I didn't mean to I was just really confused because what I'm hearing from you is like you had these feelings and you were anything but straightforward or honest yeah just those feelings here so so I'm not trying to make a value judgment on you as a whole I'm just like it I just surprised to hear you say that because it sounds like you were playing one you know you were interacting with her in a particular way and you were thinking about her in a different way yeah so then what happened did you feel like like she was leading you on at this point no I just thought it sucks but yeah it sounds I think to be in love with someone who sends you text messages about other dudes yep that's so now we get back to what you were saying like I asked you how does that feel and you're like shitty is like okay I got it now since like it feels shitty yeah yeah it does so what happened then um what happened next just like I'm like we we hang out we hanged out like once so it was we went to the city and just went shopping and then after that I asked to hang it again and then she ditch me of your clubbing I was like [ __ ] II can't oh sorry might ditched you to go clubbing well like we set up playing stood like a guard for a drink'll gonna hang out and like I'm not made out but a Dana and then she bailed on me to get clubbing with a friend you should rather do it and I was like yeah that's kind of shitty when did she bear like the same day or like like that well uh it was like the day before so what did she say we got message her about Italy yeah we still we still gonna hang out but she spelled what did she saying she just said it wasn't on my mind I forgot about it I'm going clubbing mmm not about it or forgot about you sir difference that's what I'm wondering sounds like there isn't it pretty much cuz you don't forget anything about her well right so like it's like you she spends most of her time I mean you spend most of your thought or you spend a lot of your thoughts thinking about her like if you guys had had plans you would never forget it pretty much it feels like you're an afterthought to her yep like if it feels to me like she doesn't value you as a person it pretty much and how does it feel to care a lot about a person who doesn't care a lot about you I mean it is one of these it feels [ __ ] but I can't make them feel sit away sir it's nothing I can do about it you can't make them feel the same way so there's nothing you can do about it I don't know if I agree with that but we'll get there I'm kind of curious ooh so then you know you say [ __ ] you see word that is emitted on twitch because it is offensive and then what happened and then we just stop talking and then after that like we haven't talked for like a and then we started talking like legit a month ago when you say he stopped talking that means when you stopped messaging her oh yeah I just tried forgot about it and she just you know didn't message me either so actually yeah so let me ask you something did it feel like you were doing most of the work of communication like you were you would start all the DMS and then she would receive you was there a part of you that was kind of paying attention to if I don't message her how long is it gonna take her to message me yeah definitely yeah and then when she didn't message you for a week or two did you feel like you were right all along and like you were putting more into this relationship than she was and she actually does I mean about I felt well I didn't you it neither at that point but yeah it would wouldn't make me feel that yeah and so was she leading you on no I mean I wouldn't I wouldn't say so what did she do to you hey me Spiritualist my friend this that doesn't make that doesn't answer my question at all I don't like it sounds like she did something to you how do you feel about her now now just you still I don't really have that no no really well it's more like I don't think I'd still love her or anything okay what why are you smiling oh there's no reason it's just wait cause we're friends are we gonna watch this and it's pretty nerve-wracking your friend not friends your friend see this holy [ __ ] she's uh I hope she never sees this be painful what would be painful about it should be weird what would be weird about it because I would the I'm irrelevant in her head and then it's kind of like creepy is it uh what's creepy about it Oh me talking about her when she does a just no clue sure but what comes off creepy okay can I think for a second yeah sure so first of all huge props to you for saying all this stuff because I mean if your friends are gonna watch it then that's like holy [ __ ] man I didn't even realize that you know yeah I guess I should have put on the two together that if you guys game together there's like a small chance that she is aware of what we are I'm not sure now a friendship good friends are hurt they won't tell her yeah okay I mean sure okay so what is it well so let me ask you the same what does it like to share this story like how do you feel like having talked about this I don't never really talked about it so it's kind of new to me good what is what do you think like it's like we're playing a game for the first time you're like oh I've never played this game before like what do you think about this game what do you think about talking about the things that you've kept locked up inside total noise it's kind of wait it's go to it yeah so we knew you were gonna say that right so it sounds like you're confused about what to feel or that you're feeling things that are unfamiliar that's what we really mean it's a novel experience you I don't know how I feel so what I'm getting from you is that you haven't become unburdened I'm not getting that at all which is perfectly fine and I'm not getting any sense of positivity or negativity what I'm getting a sense of is like this is new for me yeah what's happening like okay let me just think for a second so having talked through this story are there any kind of like thoughts or reflections that kind of pop up about yourself like if you are listening to this this is kind of a weird question it's sort of like I read my mind question so if it doesn't make any sense don't worry about it but like I'm just wondering like has anything kind of popped up to you is like odd or something that you want to think about or maybe explore or what would you say to yourself having heard this story I mean I just think my thoughts really haven't changed much sure would you like how about it yeah oh sorry god I feel bad it's no different okay and any fellow would like my thoughts to change yeah maybe yeah okay so Hayden is it okay if I sort of talk a little bit more and kind of take out like ask you fewer questions for a little bit yes so I still don't understand exactly where the the misogyny comes from like do you believe that all women are gonna treat you like she did do you believe that if you interact with women in the future that you're gonna end up in the same place I mean I think I've high standards said I could so yeah I would end up in that situation what do you mean you have high standards what's that mean I go for attractive sort of like there's a lot of people going after the same person yeah yeah I just just uh would you be okay with lower standards probably not okay I don't think so Japan would you date a girl who's a five out of ten probably know why not which is I'm not attracted to them okay so I don't think you have to be an insult let me start with this can I share some thoughts with you about that you're welcome to you know SWAT them down as they pop up the first thing is I think a lot of your conceptions are in your head like I think the reason that you believe you're an insult is because you set yourself up with a scenario that is unwinnable like the reason that it's not your like you you give up your power basically which is bizarre so like you feel powerless but like you're the one who's actually giving it up and the simplest thing is that you have no idea how she feels but you make assumptions based on what you observe about what her preferences are so I think this is a big problem what are you thinking you're smiling I mean yeah no great I'm just thinking about those situations like what just kind of caught me off guard okay I was just thinking of it that's a situation so kind of evident like what do you what do you what any of those situations are evident what cynics me like message me but the dude that she's obsessed with so why would I I mean yeah so that's the that's the reason why I think that she doesn't like me sure so so so I I agree with that I think that that actually kind of makes sense because I think at some point you guys became friends if she didn't have too much of a romantic interest in you yep so let me kind of share a couple of other things so I think that like are you familiar with like all of this you know like mate selection theory that people like insult like you guys talk about that and insult communities like I don't know I mean if you're part of insel communities or not no okay no okay so you know III think basic issue here is that you know you're somehow assuming her feelings and you're somehow also assuming that she understands yours I mean I don't think she understands Milan but okay so if she doesn't understand your feelings does she have a choice to date you or not so like actually forget about that question let me ask you a different question so let's assume that y'all's positions are reversed so let's say that she hangs out with you she saw you at the club and then she starts to have like a little bit of a crush on you you seem to be dancing with her but you demonstrate no romantic interest so feeling hurt she goes to the first guy that she can find and she starts to make out with him and then at the end of the night she doesn't go home with that guy she goes with her friend with you you guys sleep in the same room together and then you all talk you make her laugh she starts crushing on you a little bit and then you never ask for her number and then you messenger on discord and she's waiting for that and every time you message she responds you guys start playing games together she starts to develop feelings for you and she's waiting for you to ask her out and you share some kind of feeling and she has these feelings for you that you never see I just didn't believe she had feelings I think we're just friends I understand that you don't believe that but if you can hide your feelings from her why can't she hide her feelings from you I think like you see what I'm saying like if if you can if you can hide feelings from another human being why do you assume that you know her feelings like where does that thought come from and I'm not telling you to abandon the thought because it's illogical I'm genuinely asking us I think it comes from somewhere right that's like this is where I'm not trying to prove you wrong I'm trying to point out to you that you have a strong belief that she does not like you and that belief comes from somewhere but it doesn't come from her you see that like she you can't know what's coming from her she can let you know that she does like you but she may like you and you may not be able to detect it what do you think about that yeah I can yeah I could see that so then the question becomes if it's possible for her to like you and you to not know why don't you think about it that way you don't think about it that way how do you think about it when I tell you Hayden there's a chance that she liked you all along what is the instinctive response that you have to that statement forget about logic just can't believe it absolutely good right so like your responses you're [ __ ] crazy man yeah there's no way that's true right that's what your responses you're like sure logically it could be true but you weren't there and you really don't know it's impossible is that how you feel it's impossible yeah it's impossible that she could like you yeah pretty much it okay so then yeah that's the stuff oh not really wait I'm not 100% but nowadays yeah under cent yeah so then the question becomes where did you start to believe that you are unlikable that she couldn't possibly be interested in you because that's that's a belief right like that's a belief you have about yourself that there's no way that she could like you yeah I just think I'm like insecure where does that come from from from my life remember it childhood growing up just situations yeah okay so can can we just think for a moment that like so like even if what I say is like you so you you have this firm belief that someone like her can't like someone like you you can get a five to like you but you can't get it hate to like you yeah right like that's what you think so I think I'm not good enough yep absolutely you know looks good in looks too like you know yeah I mean sure I mean you're not you know fine and and so so my still my sense though is that like so I think you made a couple of mistakes here the first is that you didn't share your feelings with her and why didn't you do that because I didn't think I was good enough yeah you see that but the thing is like I know you believe you're not good enough and I think that's a fair belief but there's a chance you're wrong right like how do you know it's like you're making a judgment for her about whether you're good enough like you're not actually letting her choose whether you're good enough you're deciding for her it's kind of like if you come over and I'm baking a pie and then like you're at my house and I like pull the pie out of the oven and then I look at the pie and I'm about to offer you piece of pie but I'm like oh this pie is [ __ ] like you may like that pie that pie may be good but I'm I'm just I'm gonna make that choice for you I'm gonna say this pie is [ __ ] and I just throw it in the trash and I don't even offer you a piece because I I don't have confidence like I just started baking pies a couple days ago I follow recipes they're not very good does that make sense beautiful all right so the first thing to understand is that in sell like what I'm hearing from you is not that like you're you know you don't need to be a black guy because the problem isn't it the problem is that you're not a black guy the problem is that like you fundamentally don't believe that you don't act like you don't even give her a chance man and so the funny thing is that that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy you meet girl after girl after girl and you don't give him a chance and you don't give him a chance and you don't give him a chance and then you wind up alone and then you start to hate them as the class but this is like this is like I bake a pie you come over and I'm like this pie is [ __ ] and then I throw it away and then the next day you come over and I'm baking another pie I pull that out of the oven and I'm like this pie is [ __ ] then I throw it away then the next day you come over and I bake a third pie and I say this is [ __ ] and then what happens is that night when I'm lying in bed and I'm like no one likes my pies it's [ __ ] this guy has come over three times and I've not he's not told me he's not giving me a single compliment about my pie does that analogy fit or not yeah but what do you do when she doesn't want you [ __ ] put exactly like like hey like what do I do like you don't want my [ __ ] pie right yeah like you don't want my [ __ ] pie so I'm not gonna offer you a piece because I know you don't want it so I'm gonna throw it away and you're gonna come over the next day I'm gonna pull another one out of it I'm gonna throw that one away like exactly what do i do Hayden because you don't want my [ __ ] pie I don't know just how can I get you to like my pie make it better absolutely that's your strategy so day number four rolls around I'm gonna make it even better and I'm gonna pull it out of the oven and I'm gonna say to myself oh this is still [ __ ] it's not that much better than yesterday I haven't changed my recipe that much and you're gonna come over you're gonna sit on my countertop you're gonna sit in my table I'm gonna throw the pie away because it's not good enough and then I'm gonna say tomorrow it's gonna be better and then I'm gonna make it better or I'm not gonna make it better because like I'm a piece of [ __ ] and I've made the best buy that I possibly can and then I'm gonna I'm gonna still tear my hair out because you don't like my pie how do I get you to like my pie Hayden you make it better I've done that five times six times I can't make it any better you can't make yourself better then you can't you just can't make them like you pie okay in this scenario I think the problem is that you've never tasted my pie you get that you know if you don't like if you don't taste it exactly but am I ever offering you a piece of pie maybe I haven't been clear yeah no Dan I get it comes from it yeah as you come over and what I do is I pull the pie out of the oven I throw it straight in the trash and then I say okay Hayden I'll see you tomorrow and then you come over the next day because I want the pie to be perfect I want to be perfect before I'm even gonna give you a taste and then I get upset because you don't like my pie but I've never given you any pie to try what do you think about that I mean I just think what if you make a really good pun you give it to them and they don't like it what if right that's why I'm not giving you the pie because I'm afraid that you won't like it and I want it to be good enough I want to guarantee that you're gonna love the pie I want it to be perfect because if the pie is perfect and I give you a piece then you can't say you don't like it the only security that I need is a guarantee that you're gonna love my pie and until I get that I'm not willing to give you a piece does that make sense yeah the only way you would share your feelings with her is if you were sure she felt the same way about you right yeah now that's that's a bit of a pickle why is that what's the problem with that Hayden well it's just it gets to try you but absolutely so this is the other thing is like you actually don't know like you've ever had a girlfriend before no so like are you a good boyfriend I've known T is that how you feel yeah kind of so I imagine that you feel like you're not a good boyfriend that you're not good boyfriend material I don't think that I would be surprised if that it's really I don't know yeah yeah I think it's reasonable to say I don't know because you have no experience yeah no experience I've nothing to base it off right so you could be good or it could be bad yeah pretty much right are you gonna be great at it what do you think I could be I could not oh yeah so I think honestly hating the chances that you're gonna be great at it or pretty low yeah you know why I think that no experience absolutely but I do think that if you work at it you're gonna get better just like pub G yeah I kind of in a mentality as well with I don't really want a girlfriend until well beautiful for me I don't need to hear I don't need to hear anything else this is the problem I don't want a girlfriend until yeah I know what's after that is [ __ ] irrelevant you see that the problem is the word until I don't want you to taste the pie until XYZ it makes sense so I don't want a girlfriend until dot dot dot so Hayden I think the reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you're not ready I'm not ready to let you try my pie you see that it's not like women is a race or not discriminating against you because you're black although that's a comforting theory because then it absolves you of responsibility you can just hate them in the corner of your home and like uh the world is a terrible place because I'm not a black dude and [ __ ] those people and [ __ ] those people and [ __ ] those people that's easy man it's a very very comforting little world you built for yourself right it's a safe place because you don't have to put yourself out there you don't have to get hurt because if you never tell her how you feel she can't reject you but she can and she does but like that's the thought that you have right like if you tell her how you feel like what happens if she like the pie what happens if she says I don't feel the same way about you I don't know what happens after that so never experience that is that how you feel you're sounding way too rational to me my friend I mean that's how I feel yeah well that's good right because then like if that's genuinely like if you're genuinely like I really don't know what happens after that because what I was hypothesizing is like the world comes tumbling down around you like everything falls apart and and now I'm projecting cuz like I remember when I liked a girl there was like there was a girl that I was like really really into my freshman year and we were friends and I never told her how I feel felt because I was [ __ ] terrified yeah I think if I would open up it just feel like and she says no just be like hey correct like saying them correct about main Security's absolutely so yeah very good right so you have a fear that you're unlovable or we'll never be able to find a girlfriend and you will you will never risk that being true to you and instead what you're gonna do is never test that hypothesis and by not ever testing it you're going to reinforce it with each girl that you meet it's a hypothesis that's never put to the test but becomes more and more fact it's [ __ ] weird that's not how we handle hypotheses what we do is we test them but here's the problem with testing a hypothesis when I have a hypothesis I don't know that it's wrong when I test the hypothesis what happens what do I put on the table answers absolutely that's what you're avoiding buddy you see that which are terrified of is not women it's answers you're afraid of what it could show so now I've got a question for you Hayden what are you gonna do what do you want to do what do you wish you could do I wish I could just know give a [ __ ] good but you can't yeah what do you wish what else do you wish you could do anything else by not to give a [ __ ] do you mean not care about any of this stuff or be willing to put answers on the table like be willing to test your hypotheses well but yeah yeah Birds so very concretely now that you are dealing this girl again you gonna tell her anything well okay so can I help you a little bit there yeah so when you know I think you and probably most of twitch at is thinking that what I want you to do is tell her how you feel and that's what I want you to do but I don't think that's gonna look like what you think it looks like so here's the conversation that I think is gonna help you the most and I think it's not gonna be quite as terrifying is you you think I'd be really surprised if you can accurately predict what's gonna come out of my mouth I'm gonna toss this out there okay and I just want you to think about it you don't have to do it so it's not tell her hey I used to be in love with you and I was obsessing about you for years here watch this Twitter stream that's not what I'm saying right so I think this is the big thing it's like people think like the other problem Hayden is that your options of communication with her or tell her everything or tell her nothing that needs to change that's the thing that needs to change the conversation that I think would help you the most and not because it's gonna get her to fall in love with you but because it'll help you grow as a person is hey our friendship meant a lot to me and I was hoping to have like a conversation with you about it and I realize now that I had some feelings for you that were like more than friendship and I was hoping we could just kind of talk that through and then you tell her because now you're in a safe place because you're not in love with her anymore right there is still feeling that changes everything I'm gonna assume for a moment that you're not in love with her because if you're not in love with her then like you don't it's not doesn't matter if she likes your pyre doesn't like your pie yeah I think the conversation you need to have with her is like hey you know I've always thought you're gorgeous and I I value our friendship but I also had some feelings with you for you and then there was one thing that happened we had plans and I felt like you blew me off and that was very hurtful and and so then like I know we've kind of been out of contact and I realize now that that was because like it hurt me when you did that I felt like I wasn't important to you and you were important to me what do you think about that conversation I'll just think yeah I've had that conversation in my head before they I've had sure conversation of flake confessing this no I'm not talking about confessing that's not confessing your love are you hearing that is what I'm saying that's not what I'm saying what do you say I'm gonna say it again I want you to have a conversation about your mixed feelings about her isn't it confessing no because confessing is confessing your love to her it's confessing a unit dimensional feeling my feeling my mixed feelings yes so you say listen to what I'm saying so like Hayden I value it like so you know I've always thought you're gorgeous and I value our friendship and I really like hanging out with you and I enjoyed like you know just being friends with you and I also noticed that like over time I started to have some romantic feelings towards you and I don't know exactly what happened there but at some point you know there was this one plate time where we had plants like go hang out and then you kind of forgot about him and you you know I felt like you sort of didn't value me like I you know I was just disappointed and hurt when you kind of cancel plans and it took me some time to sort of figure that out I'm glad we're talking again I just wanted to share some of those thoughts or feelings with you and like see kind of what you think what are you hearing there are you hearing I I mean yeah I'm just thinking about it what does that fit what does that sound what does that sound like to you that sound like a confession of love saying that you have mixed feelings to me it's like a confession okay how so cuz you're telling them that you have mixed feelings so that's sure let's see yeah but you're confessing what are you confessing to them that you have mixed feelings that's it or that you had mixed feelings you can even put it in the past tense yeah like that you have some feelings but like you want to share the mixed feelings right because then what you want to do with the beauty of this conversation she can go either way she can say yeah your friendship matters to me too and I don't have romantic feelings for you and then you cry or but you'd be surprised or if she says by the way I sort of have mixed feelings for you too and then the interesting thing there is that you're gonna want to go to like one of two places either you're wanting you're gonna want to jump for joy or you're gonna want to be completely crushed I don't want you to do either of those I want you to sit in the blend right and then you guys have another conversation about it do you want to just be friends or do you want to try to like try to date and you talk it through with her so the problem here Hayden is that you're making all of these decisions and shouldering all of the responsibility for y'all's relationship you're holding all of it do you see that she like doesn't get to play a role you're dealing with an NPC not a party member it makes sense so I think what you've got to do is like let her have some agency in this relationship and give her a chance to voice your feelings and by the way you know when we're talking about like things that women are looking for it I know a lot of people have perceptions that it's money or looks or other kinds of things but I would say 90% of successful relationships that I've seen have men who are emotionally available this is a concept that in cells in red I think red pillars don't understand they think it's bata behavior it's not baby do you even know what emotional availability is no not really okay so like what I talked about the conversation that I just gave to you is emotional availability it's the ability to like think like a woman basically and sort of like think like not in terms of black and white but in shades of grey that relationships are complicated and nuanced things where like there's shared decision-making it's not like alpha and beta it's not like you you trick her into sleeping with you or you make her sleep with you there's like no agency it's all like you're it's like you're interacting with the Insull red pill community as best as I understand it which I'm not an expert by any means so someone does understand it better please explain it to me it's almost like they treat women like NPCs like they don't acknowledge that there is like a thinking feeling person there that can make their own choices and you accept all of the responsibilities about whether she's gonna like like this is the thing you gotta understand man you can bake a perfect pie and someone can not like it you can bake an imperfect pie and someone can love it because there's no such thing as a perfect pie right if I'm baking an apple pie some people like it's sweeter some people like it more sour like people have individual preferences and you're not even letting her choose okay it makes sense so the next part if there's gonna be a part two and this is where I encourage you to think a little bit and I'll you know I'll give you a chance to ask questions and stuff but my next question to you is like where did you lose your confidence because this whole insel thing is gonna come tumbling down because like I hope you see this it starts with the basic idea that you presume she's gonna say no it starts with the basic idea that your pie is not good enough that's not a testable hypothesis it's a belief you have faith that she's gonna say no so where does that come from uh I think it just comes from me like being insecure so that's hating myself that's that's what it is that's not where it comes from where it comes from is not people telling me and then like a just not being like successful sure with women yeah so the other thing is that anytime you go through the cycle it's going to make that believe stronger in your mind do you see that yeah but the other interesting thing is that if this is a belief in your mind that is dictating your relationships it also means like that's just a belief you get that that doesn't actually mean it's true like if the belief can strengthen it doesn't mean it's truth and if it comes from people telling you that you're a piece of [ __ ] when you were growing up like that doesn't actually mean you're a piece of [ __ ] it just means that you've been convinced that you're a piece of [ __ ] there's hope because if you can dismantle that belief I think all this [ __ ] is gonna come tumbling down and you'll find yourself with a girlfriend because I think like you said at the beginning Hayden you were a moderately attractive guy who sounds like he's funny and can you land an 8 maybe maybe not you absolutely can by the way thanks but I think your bigger problem is that you're not willing to consider a 5 right that is ego like you have this perception that you want this thing in like in the same way that you want her to notice what's right in front of your eyes omma hypocrite Yeah right but I know that good I'm all ready yeah yeah and it's it's not just you right so like I saw this really interesting like psych psychology article about like you know like there's the there are obese and overweight especially like women like this is I mean I could be wrong statistically about this but my perception is it's women who like want people to be like accepting of all bod types so they'll post about like you know there's no such thing as fat and they'll be like overweight and it's usually women these social media has led me to believe that the paper that I looked at was looking for nominally women and the funny thing is that like people who women who want men to accept them for being overweight and treat them the same as someone who's not overweight are not willing to date overweight men so that's common we're all like that I think it's all ego questions why is it a problem that I have a writing of high standards because I think your standards are unidirectional but they're not complicated enough because I think your standards don't lead to happy relationships which is what I think you really want someone's physical attractiveness is in my experience is not one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship so is it important absolutely I'm not saying that you shouldn't be attractive to other people I mean you shouldn't change who you're attracted to what I'm saying is that like I think you have a false standard of what you're looking for that's fueled by your ego which comes from all this kind of complex I mean yeah like like ticket oh yeah exactly I think it's a fantasy and I think that if you know so like here's that here's what I've observed okay Hayden and this is something that you have to experiment with yeah so I I see possibilities in your life where you remain happy or you become happy or you remain alone and sad and I think the likelihood that you end up being happy in life is greater if you're willing to consider someone under 1/8 I'm not saying don't have high standards I'm saying expand the scope of your standards beyond physical Tractatus so I think the average of all of her qualities should be greater than an eighth but I think someone who makes you feel like you're not a piece of [ __ ] is worth way more than how much how attractive she is if there was a 10 out of 10 that made you feel like a piece of [ __ ] and abuse you but also let you [ __ ] her from time to time I do not like that as a good relationship for you yeah right but like there's the bottom would ya no but like would I still now what I still care about her like I'll just be in a six so yeah you'll be whipped then you'd be a beta wit yeah you'd be a bear that's then you'd be a back then I mean when like just get those [ __ ] hot chick thoroughly absolutely and the camera as well know you'd care a lot because she'd be [ __ ] other people too and she'd make you feel like [ __ ] maybe she wouldn't be [ __ ] other people but I think like like healthy relationships where people feel valued and appreciated and supportive that doesn't necessarily have to do with physical attractiveness right and I think what you want what you really want Hayden is not to just [ __ ] a hot chick I think you want someone to love you back that's what I think you want more than anything else I think you want someone who takes away that feeling that you are a piece of [ __ ] and unlovable and unattractive I think more than now I can't use the f-bomb but okay okay pee wees there okay Thank You lovey okay I'm just gonna have to remain silent cuz I can't talk about this before anyway okay so I think what'll be more satisfying let me put it this way Hayden I think you may disagree with this but I just want you to think about this well what you're gonna find more satisfying than [ __ ] a hot chick I think is having a check who's moderately attractive who wants to [ __ ] you yeah we get so caught up about wearing to [ __ ] hot chicks but what like makes us feel good is to like have someone come over it's not that like my pie is the best like what you want is someone who wants your pie right like you want someone who's gonna come up to you and appreciate you for who you are and like want you as a person they want to be with you you don't have to convince them to be with you you don't have to worry about them being with you they want to be with you that's what you want more than anything else and if you have a certain standard of attractiveness like I think that's okay if you want to end up only dating eights out of eight out of tens like I think that's fine too like you can choose how you live your life but I don't think you're gonna be happy and it makes sense dots are questions before we wrap up utterly I don't know if I get anything from this like I believe everything you say but like I watch your other videos but please never like I guess all I can do is acknowledge it yep I think you only perception of what you get out of this is going to be very poor I think my perception I don't think we've you haven't had you haven't broken down crying right that's what people think that like Oh to get something out of this you have to break down crying no I think what can you get have a minute yeah really so hey let me be very clear what you get out of this is what you do with the thoughts and reflections that we've come up in here with in here because in order to make change it's not going to come from a conversation it's gonna come from offering the imperfect piece of pie to someone that's what you like no amount of talking to me is ever going to be a substitute for that you understand that like the progress that you need is not going to come from me man how do I be okay if my [ __ ] pie that's a good question so I think we may have to have a part two at some point but let me start here so we're gonna do a little bit of meditation sit up straight close your eyes and feel yourself for a second where is your [ __ ] pie in my anxiety where is that feeling in my chest okay what does it feel like nervous just tightness tightness in your chest right sweating quick baiting Oh sweating in what my house just beating quick quick quick beating art okay so this is the [ __ ] pie right this is what you're saying so now let me ask you Hayden if these feelings were to reduce does that make your pie less shitty uh kind of thing to Stu insecurities sure I didn't say does it make it go away I said does it make it less shitty dear okay so listen let's start there right so this is you're saying how do I get rid of the [ __ ] pie and the answer is it takes time and effort it doesn't happen through one conversation so I think you need to start thinking back to where you started to form these beliefs I think seeing a therapist is a great idea or see one of our coaches they can help you with this kind of thing as soon as they're available to help you with this kind of thing yeah and and right now I want you to just notice those feelings and I want you to breathe into them so put your head up straight neck up straight good there we go relax your shoulders don't hunched over so I want you to are you leaning against the back of the chair too so I want you to sit forward away from the back of the chair yep how tall are you 5:11 okay so okay so can you raise your chair a little bit look do you have anybody can sit on no no I I don't want to you know move I when we I wanted to affect your posture not your camera oh yeah I can sit on my pillow like Miss Jones yeah sit on your pillow like Mitch Jones you look like you're hunched are you hunched there we go there it is issue number one you're not gonna be confident if you're sitting like you were sitting before that is the posture of a beta who is insecure how do you feel now I feel like sitting up straight there you go so you're a whole life Haydon you have not been sitting up straight you haven't actually been sitting the way that you really are you've been sitting over hunched smaller than you truly are how does it feel to sit up straight just feels like I'm sitting up straight that I don't have any feelings related to sit up shy okay fine so what's happening in your chest uh I'm just puffing it out okay uh-huh what's your anxiety same same feelings okay so I want you to notice that those feelings are sort of like operating in a different space there's more space in there now can you feel that yeah yeah I can feel it so if there's more space has the anxiety grown or is it sort of just occupying like a portion in the middle it's stayed the same but so is there space around the anxiety that is not anxiety in your chest I think it's filling up because I'm thinking about it good let him so know watch it filling you up sit up straight there we go see as you fill up you start to hunch down so keep yourself straight if you need to now what I want you to do is pick up your pillow and fold it in half and then sit on it there we go eyes closed now what I want you to do is to breathe into your chest and expand it maximal breath hold that feel that tension and then relax let your spine remain erect your shoulders can relax but your spine should stay straight there we go you guys see what he just did with his head now he's doing it right so I'm gonna talk to twitch chat for a second I don't know if you guys can tell but Hayden is less pathetic now he may feel just as pathetic but he's less pathetic you guys can see the difference like just look at him I know it's anxiety provoking for you so now what do you feel Hayden nothing okay Hayden's like I don't know what these [ __ ] guys are talking about that's okay that's fine so what are you smiling out of embarrassment or absurdity or what I just think it's funny okay good we'll take it what does the laughter do to the feeling in your chest thought and I just I don't lean so much laughing okay it's so yeah I can't tell you okay that's okay good so breathe big and then out now what I want you to do Hayden we're gonna do Darth Vader breath have you learned this before have you seen this before so you know how Darth Vader breathes how does he feel can you make that sound yeah good so I can't stop so I feel like a [ __ ] idiot good I'm glad you feel like a [ __ ] idiot yeah let's do it make the noise and I want you to focus on your throat okay I want you to contract your throat and slow down the rate of your breathing and make that noise good beautiful so sit up straight again good back straight head straight there we go I don't know what's an you want me to make could you make it again okay yeah so just beautiful and then out now as you make that sound can you feel a contraction in your throat yeah okay so now what I want you to do is focus on that contraction but now breathe through your nose and you should hear a hissing sound in your head you hear the hissing you know focus on the hissing good I want you to do seven breaths and you hear the hiss in and the hiss out with each one expand the chest fully so don't just focus on the hissing turn on the hissing and then focus on your chest and then exhale fully so folk turn on the hissing and then let your chest contract every ounce of air out every gram I suppose every milliliter and now that you're doing a good job we're gonna throw you off again do you feel like an idiot you know where is that feeling of idiocy I can't okay breathe through it four more breaths sit up straight expand your chest we're gonna throw you another curveball I want you to try to ignore what I'm saying listen to what I'm saying notice the thoughts and feelings it evokes and then go back to your breath now you're sitting like a Chad now you're sitting like an alpha I'm gonna troll you harder and harder buddy just 12 breathe through it see you were you ready for the next one so you thought the bad part about this twitch stream was your friends watching the bad part is when I asked you to meditate and then make it really really hard for you sit up straight three breaths focus on that contraction in your throat beautiful and then out now three more breaths count to seven for the inhalation and seven for the exhalation beautiful now if you're done now just notice what you feel the anxieties there the embarrassment the embarrassment is there so so now Hayden I'm going to ask you a couple of last questions so your question to me was how do you do things if you're if you believe your pipe tastes like [ __ ] so did you feel anxiety today yeah did you feel embarrassment today yeah did you feel like you were doing a bad job yeah how did you do this then I'm confused I thought that if you felt those negative things you couldn't do things right that's what you're telling me you're saying I have these feelings how do I act but just now you had a bunch of feelings and I didn't make it easier on you just rolling you the entire time making you look like more and more of an idiot how did you do this I just did Oh hmm so I think your answer to your question now you've done it once I'm gonna leave it up to you to reflect and figure out what you did today because you came on the stream in front of thousands of people and aired the dirtiest most shameful parts of your inner being and you opened up you cut open your pie and you showed people all of the [ __ ] inside alive in front of thousands of people how did you do that it wasn't easy but Edie tell you just had the idea yeah you're damn right it wasn't easy that's why it's valuable because if this was easy then you couldn't like that doesn't help you man why do you think I was making it harder for you it's because like we want to make it harder for you we don't want to make your life easy because you're you what you're dealing with is not easy it's hard so we have to train you to do things in spite of your emotions that are difficult and you've done it you've done it once how did you do it I'm not even sure all I know is that this seems to work I don't know how this works I just know that does in something about people who so this is the thing hey do you part of it is getting to the root of why you feel this way in dispensing with that the other half of that is not bothering with the root but just accepting that like your pie is kind of shitty you can have negative emotions but don't let them paralyze you because they don't actually control you and then the more you understand and reflect upon what happened here today that dr. K like he didn't teach you meditation he trolled you during meditation and then trolled you harder and harder and harder and harder and harder and yet you did it so how does that work I don't know but something tells me that if you can understand what happened here today you'll have the answer to your question now remind me again who's got questions and who's got answers you ask me a question who's got the answer me absolutely any last words all right man no thanks Lily you're very welcome dude good luck thank you and and if you want to watch the vada and really listen to what I said in terms of how you should consider talking to this girl okay really think about it if you could you know send me the message what do you guys I said yeah sure I'll I'll message you I'll send you some dm's okay yeah okay take care of it Thanks good luck Manny - we're rooting for you because if you can change then we can change good luck sure Thanks all right boys and girls okay so okay awesome so what we're gonna do let me see if we want to do our late yo do we have time for two questions do we have time for two questions yeah awesome let's do it oh yeah can you hear me look hey what's up man hey how's it going good um first off I just want to say how much I appreciate the work you're doing you're addressing a problem within a community that probably needs it the most right now in this day and age but uh so my question is that I was wondering if you had any advice for someone with low self-worth and how to stop comparing yourself to others yeah so um I think yeah so I think like I was kind of telling Haden there are two pieces to that right one is that you have to understand where this low self-worth comes from so like when did you start to believe that you're like not a good person and if you can go back to the source like when like so think about when you feel ashamed about yourself so I'm just tossing out the word ashamed and what am i calling you buddy uh an oral integral okay so integral when you think about like when you feel that shame or you find yourself comparing and then you fall short right because when you compare you fall short of other people yeah and I guess that's why I have trouble sort of approaching other girls or you know I'll start talking to them and then I'll just stop because I feel like they're gonna be disappointed in me yeah so the first question is when was the first time you felt that feeling I couldn't give you a time but it's just basically when I I don't want to give you the whole spiel but it's basically when I started behaving and and observing that I'm acting just like my father does and he's just somebody I really don't want to be look okay so I think like your journey actually starts with like something it sounds like it starts with something around your father right so I encourage you to actually reflect and and sort of think a little bit about did he make you feel a certain way did you watch him and feel a certain way and you really have to like dig in to that kind of stuff and I've got to think a little bit about how to better help you guys structure those explorations and the second thing is to just recognize the comparison right and when you when you're doing the comparison like just like what what we were doing with with Hayden you can have feelings and generally speaking those feelings control you but you can also have like you can though they don't have to but we kind of feel like they do and people don't understand that your feelings don't have to control you until you start the process of not letting them control you and that happens in little little ways right so so if you're trying to talk to a girl and you find yourself like comparing yourself to other people in your head and saying oh this girl's not gonna like me because I'm not so and so so you have to start by finding the the lowest value comparison so forget about girls but it's like maybe it's something like I'm gonna smile at the person at the grocery store and then there's gonna be a small part of your in your voice that's in your head that's gonna be like a voice that's like oh you're gonna look dumb if you smile at people and so you notice that but the question is can you get away with it despite the voice telling you that you're gonna look dumb can you do it anyway because right now there's a power struggle between you and that voice and right now that voice is winning so the way you start to win against the voice as you take the battles that you can write you're fighting a war against an opponent who's far stronger than you you are so you don't face them in battle like in an open field and get run over because that's forcing yourself to ask a girl out that's gonna end terribly you take you do guerrilla warfare so what are the small battles that you can fight against the voice that you can actually win and I'd start with something as simple as do you smile at people when you see them well it's it's super insightful again it's just like I never think about that kind of thing but um thank you so much what for answering what the I asked you a question do you not really I mean like occasionally once in a while but it's like so literally integral you should start by smiling at people and every time you do that you're gonna run a little experiment in your head like when I tell you like the next person like who's the neck I know it's Kovac but who's the next person you're gonna see besides my parents probably who said that you can't smile it not sight and besides onion do you smile at your parents ah barely I mean okay yeah I bet occasionally yeah you know they they tell me something but it's it's not like a regular thing you know absolutely that's why it's important the goal here is to get you to do things that you don't normally do not do things that are regular things for you right right so start by smiling at your parents it's gonna be feel [ __ ] weird you right we're on the same page about that but that's why you've got to do it okay try practice on them and then you'll see a stranger and then you can practice on that so you are practicing the skill you are leveling up the ability you're leveling up your emotion resistance that's what this is you guys got a resistant to your emotions and act anyway right it gives you like an attack penalty but you don't stop swinging just because you've got an attack penalty you gotta still take the swing you're gonna miss because you have an attack penalty fine build up your emotional resistance your attack penalty will decrease and you'll start hitting hitting things hopefully women like isn't sexually not like physically abuse okay I'm gonna stop before I get bad all right thank you so much take care dude okay who's next who's next wait one one more two more one more okay then I have a question hold on it's Randolph from the discord asks could you ask dr. K how he met his wife if he's struggling with it or maybe it was arranged that would be interesting to hear yeah so it was not arranged I'm happy to say so I met my wife at summer camp and so like I had some interesting armor so I really lucked out so I met my wife at summer camp so I went to India for like three months and towards the end of the that time I came back to the US and I went to this like Hindu summer camp basically where I was gonna teach a lot because I had learned all this stuff and you know in the old country so and I decided to become a monk and so the cool thing that so then I'd her and and she was a counselor at the camp I was a counselor at the camp you know I was teaching all this wonderful knowledge I had about meditation that I've learned in these ashrams in these remote areas of India and everyone was like oh right because they're a bunch of like second-generation Indian kids at this camp and so the interesting thing is I think I kind of got lucky because in my mind like I had taken a relationship off of the table and so what I struggled with is like I thought like I cared about what women thought when I talked to them so I had trouble being me because I tried to be someone who was not me to get them to like me more so there's like real all oak and then there's the all oak and real all oak doesn't think that women can like him so he tries to be fake all oak and it turns out that being fake all oak is unattractive to women just like most of the time being a fake person is like people are attracted to like authenticity you know I was super stressed out because I was trying to maintain this persona that I was not I was just like faking it right and and so the funny thing that happened is like when I decided to become a monk I kind of let that go because I was like okay there's no way I'm gonna date anyone anyway I'm gonna become a monk right because that was the way that I protected myself from the rejects because I've protected myself because if it's like if there's no chance that I can you know if I it's like I don't have to feel like a reject if I'm not willing to date them in the first place you get rejected from you protect yourself from rejected rejection 100% when you don't apply you know you get 0% rejected from jobs if you apply to zero jobs zero rejection safety and so the way that I did that in my mind was like I was gonna take all those feelings if I'm a piece of [ __ ] and then I said I'm bad oh I'm gonna be a monk I'm going to give up it's not it's not in cell it's like voluntary celibacy so I was like a vol cell and and so the interesting thing is that it turned out that like when I just was myself that sometimes women find that attractive and then I got really really confused because as I started dating her like women that I was interested in for two years like at college started to like hit me up whereas just like Haden a lot of my communications felt one-way so unless I reached out to them they didn't reach out to me and then suddenly like you know a year after I'm dating someone I run into someone and then they're like and then throughout so that I got confused by that for a little while and I wasn't really sure what was going on and then I got busy and tried to uh you know put my life together and stop so I didn't have time for that [ __ ] and then like the funny thing is that even throughout like med school and stuff like that kept happening like and and you know I just didn't care so like by the time so I was older than many people when I started med school so like the average age of people coming to med school was like 23 24 I was 27 I got married after my first year of med school or like during my first year of med school and then like the really crazy thing is like like so then I really didn't care so like once I knew out like once I got engaged I was like I went into med school and really didn't care like there's no possibility that I'm gonna date anyone there because I'm engaged sounds like okay that's figured out I sorted through that and so I just started to be myself and then suddenly like nurses started hitting on me I was like is this just because I'm gonna be a doctor one day because that's what you would think right but it turns out that that's not the case I mean you guys can talk to doctors who are in cells and they'll tell you that they thought that once they become a doctor the women are just gonna be like trying to bash down their door and date them and it turns out unfortunately it's not true and this is where like I think people have a lot of like incorrect perceptions about what women are looking for because once you have friends who are doctors and in cells and becoming a doctor doesn't change their Insull status then you start to question what is it that makes an in cell so I think at the end of the day you know I met her and kind of lucked out because my ego had sort of protected me from in a weird way had protected me from like that whole complex of thinking and that's why I believe that like if we listen to Hayden Hayden isn't actually cursed in life like what's holding him back is in here it's not out there and the reason I believe that is because I realize like the difference between me not being able to get a girl to date me and then like suddenly falling into a girlfriend is is like has nothing to do with like my physical attractiveness or my ethnicity and as everything to do with like what my thoughts are and how I carry myself because my I carry myself relates to my thoughts and you guys like get what I was saying when like like Hayden looked less pathetic right you guys with me anyway does that answer your question Moses or other dude yeah do you have follow-ups I think so not really that's a pretty good answer all right man we should all go to summer camp and to cure our insulin yeah so it's I know you just about that but I do think it's worthwhile to like engage in activities where you're not looking for a date right like that's people people say that but like it's fun I mean as funny as that is yeah like you should go out you should just do stuff for the sake of doing stuff and be yourself and then oh yeah you know don't have your head up your ass and then you will be surprised right yeah anyway like not not healthy I'm so I can have some babies good yeah did the retreat last year let's do summer camp let's do it oh yeah okay so thank you guys very much thanks a lot Moses I thank you all right folks so we are gonna wrap up for today thank you guys very much for coming thank you guys very much for your donations subscriptions all that kind of stuff you know we're here to help people understand themselves and we're not gonna judge right so hopefully I wasn't judgmental but I think that you know if you're an in cell this is the other thing so by the way what's up with like all the softball in sauce maybe this is the second guy who's like I'm sort of an in cell and then he says like he uses the c-word and then he drops misogyny but like if he stops using the c-word like he doesn't really seem like a misogynist like what what's up with that like do we just is it because we're such a wholesome stream that we can't attract the right kind of you know breathing fire sort of insel like if we get like a like maybe what we need instead of an in cell is a red pillar right can we get can we get some real just toxic masculine you know just the yes so what is a black pillar I don't even know anyway

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 388,994

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, unrequited love, unrequited feelings, talking to a girl, talking to a girl you like, social skills, approaching women, friendzone, getting out of the friendzone with a girl, getting out of the friendzone, friendzoned

Id: _tE4uN6LLN4

Length: 134min 23sec (8063 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 16 2020