Sarah Swafford - Dating 101 (2019 Steubenville Main Campus 2)

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay first of all I want everyone to look at each other and say this is gonna be awesome not awkward this is gonna be awesome not awkward this is gonna be awesome not awkward as you walk by could you give me a dance move because you do you guys right here dan harms the best dancer I know right there here's the deal let's pray and even the father and son of the Holy Spirit amen mother Mary I asked you mother Mary I asked you to be with us I asked you to protect this room I ask you to send the Holy Spirit to be with every heart as we prayed together as men and women brothers and sisters in Christ hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb jesus holy mary mother of god pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death amen Saint Joseph and the name of the Father and the son of the Holy Spirit amen okay here's the deal oh cool check out my clip don't I look good hey shout out to the cool person that put this clip on my heal thank you found you and it has your Instagram on it okay all right Sarah Swofford 18 we're friends good stuff here's the deal dating 101 I'm so glad Steubenville gave me four hours to give this talk that was a joke calm down everyone's like oh gosh I actually have 25 minutes and then I'm gonna do Q&A yes is that sound good yeah so when I say for hours it was a joke because it it would take me four hours to want to tell you everything I would want to tell you about how dating 101 coz does anyone else agree that this whole like relationship saying is kind of messy is it complicated it's complicated right so here's the deal I want to thank every guy that came to this talk every girl that I saw all today I was like could you please bring a guy thank you it's not a date to my talk right but thank you because here's the deal like a lot of times people are like all relationships could see you speak to the women it's like oh I would rather have time to hang out with the men yes like I love the ladies but ladies right like we need someone to date if we're called a marriage yes yes okay so here's the deal I used to give these talks I would like give talks to the women and guys would come up to me be like so like what you say like I need you to tell me what you said right like and then the girls I would give Toxteth like men only and the girls would be like how much can I pay you to sit in the back and hide and hear what you said to the men right so I got really smart and I decided to just start giving the talk with both of you together right because I hold the hand of the men and I hold the hand of the women and I have a conversation that you would rather eat your arm off than half yes I'm gonna say some things in this talk that are probably gonna be things you wish you could say to someone but it's kind of awkward right or it's a little complicated or it will make things complicated if you say it yes so I want to start this talk off by like throwing a bone to the men thank you for coming um buffalo wings is my favorite restaurant and I have my own fantasy football team so just so you know hey I know I have all brothers I married a linebacker I'm here for you right I got you so here's the deal men I'm gonna take you and on a little trip like in like a little inside look into the heart and mind of a woman okay so when you sit there and go what the heck is going on with that this might be a little look into that right so I'm gonna take you on a little trip also so sit back fellas like take this in you might learn something all the girls out there like she's gonna do that in 20 minutes buckle up right here we go okay so I call it this little look into the heart in mind of woman I call it the typical Friday night right ladies you like it's you got all your best girls in the house it's like chick flick movie marathon sweats right like you're just gonna escape reality for like seven hours you have a box of little Debbie's I mean both boxes of little Debbie's we do not share right and it's just like game on and you like turn on the first movie and you're like oh why don't we not do this every night is the best right and then you like turn on the second movie and you look at each other and you're like well my life is officially worthless or hey like let's do it again right see there on the third movie it's like 2:00 in the morning and the whole rooms just like completely quiet right you all look at each other and then finally one of you stands up and picks up your remote control and like Chuck's it against the wall and you're like when's it gonna be my turn I'm so sick and tired of waiting for mr. right mr. perfect to come into my life I need a cute guy and a horse and a sunset right now Hey and you vent about him and him and him and this and this and this and you fall asleep bitter and frustrated and completely out of oatmeal cream pies but you're like it's gonna be okay right like I can get through this right but you go through the weekend and you're like uh and you're like scrolling on your phone and it's like babies and engagement so you're like I'm gonna burn my phone right like and you just get to Monday or whatever right and you get to school or work or wherever here and you're just like you see this guy and you're like halfway attracted to and he's like hey and you're like hey I want you right right so what do you do well naturally you start all the fellas in the house look at me awkward giggling means it's true every time right so front row was like mental stocking what is it right ladies all the guys are like I want to have a definition and I'm kind of creeped out right mental stalking is where they think about like where you're gonna take them on the first date like where you're gonna propose and they do this like Christmas card test where they take like your first your their first name in your last name and like every baby name you've ever loved cuz you can't be too careful right it's mental stocking all the guys in the audience are like nope never done that right like creepy right and then you moved to what social media stocking right you jump on and look at like a thousand pictures of him and his Uncle Bill on their fishing trip and you see a picture of his dog and you're like that's the cutest Golden Retriever I've ever seen in my entire life right and you're like scrolling and you're like he was the sweetest little third grader right like wow have I been here for four hours I've been here for four hours right like I mean you see a picture of him with his arm around a girl and you're like oh that better be his sister right it's real then you move to flirting right and then you start texting snapchat did you guys hear how like the whole room was like wow did you hear was like right texting snapchat show me good for relationships bad for you lesion ships what do you think texting snapchat okay although junior high kids are like it's been the best two weeks of my life lady back away from my phone right don't touch my phone high schoolers are typically like I don't know I don't know college students are like let's just let it die right how many of you guys have ever been misinterpreted by a text in a text great aren't snap right have you've ever been hurt by a text or snap right how many of you wish to Apple would figure out how to put like a cancel button on the phone your app will figure it out right I think they just like drama I don't know okay so we're gonna leave so next the whole like snapchat and texting where it's at we're gonna go to calling and FaceTime I had leave I had to put FaceTime on there cuz nobody calls each other it's the green button on the phone right like nobody calls Segal anymore right I can't tell you how old I am so when I was in high school the phone came off the wall and it became cordless and you can yeah and you can put your boyfriend on speakerphone and like lay the phone on the pillow and talk to him like you say okay good moving on and then physically stalking it's like oh my that escalated quickly okay good everybody's like whoa I call this lovingly the emotive coaster and the reason why I call this the emotive coaster is you guys have all been to like an amusement park like you know Six Flags something fun okay so you know that that like feeling if you're waiting in line for the ride and you're just like waiting and you're waiting and you're waiting and you can smell the asphalt like burning through your flip-flops right and you're just like waiting and you're watching everyone else ride the ride you're like no truly I'm so happy for you move along right and then finally you get to the get to the ride you get to the front and you strap in and you're like yes it's like ching ching ching ching ching cover the mountain and you're like yes and then you get to the top and it just throws you down and your stomach comes up and your heads doo-doo-doo-doo right tears streaming down your face if you're a female you have a permanent hole in the back of your head where your earring was like digging into your neck right okay so like crazy ride and then all of a sudden it just comes to this grinding halt and you take one step off the ride and you throw up in front of everyone and you spend the rest of the day under the shady tree and the trash can that they provide for you wondering why that was truly so epic yes show me a mental stocking social media stocking flirting texting snapchat calling FaceTime physically talking the ammonal coaster can it can move over five days it can move over five weeks five months five years is a long time but this thing moves raise your hand if you've ever watched a friend ride the emotive coaster with someone yes keep your hand up if you are that friend good no I'm just kidding okay so like we know what it is we see it in our lives we just don't usually put it on a screen yeah okay here's the deal guys Sarah swafford not a hater everything on that screen is going to be a part of a relationship in some way right some guy or girl is gonna walk by and you're gonna be like potential that there is potential right there right like you are gonna have things in your life I'm not a hater I have almost 30,000 Instagram followers I love Instagram love it I'm not a hater but could there be some potential traps are y'all visual learners I'm a visual learner yes I call this the potential trap slide because I feel like it's easier to see it yeah not a hater but I have like I have like this caution looks like I don't know man the world's idea perfect puts a lot of pressure on you and it spins people under the Emoto coaster right and then typically read on to the cycle of use and so I have a potential trap slide and this is what it looks like mental stalking it's a one-way relationship you're building the unknown expectations can be too high and it can be creepy social media stalking you're getting into someone's personal life and making assumptions wouldn't you rather let that person tell you about himself or herself flirting you may be seeking attention or filling in insecurities or sending mixed messages and it can come across as fake don't you want them to get to know the real you texting or snapchat it can be intimate misinterpreted you can rationalize things there's no big deal and it can be addictive calling your FaceTime you may say a blatant reveal a lot about yourself and calling and texting and snapchat and FaceTime can all be very private and then physically stalking not just like the puppy dog following someone around but like you have to be around them you don't have any fun without them you do things just because they do you may change you are to please them and start going to things just because they are there it's easy to wrap yourself up in something for the wrong reasons that last ones hard for me to read because that was like just straight from the playbook from high school for me I was whoever the person I either wanted to date or wasn't dating needed or wanted me to be it's that easy it's that easy and I told you last night I didn't have a phone in high school and I was a hot mess I don't know what life would have it looked like for me with a phone and I stand on this stage and I told you I'm here to fight for you because everything I just talked about is messy but it's also beautiful like I you know when I was in college this all started to spend for me especially calling out the cycle of use ready repeat after me I will not use you and I will not let you use me when I started calling that out when I started seeing all of this come together it's something in my heart started to shift and it was a it was a hard long process because I had really had a lot of practice at doing it the way that I just showed like all of this right and then I was taking a class one day with dr. Ted tree on my mentors and he threw these notes on the board and changed my life he said virtue is striving for human excellence virtue is forming the habits of knowing and choosing the good and right thing to do virtue harnesses and trains your passions and emotions to work towards the good and virtue gives you the freedom to love he wrote these notes on the board I was like a freshman in college and I remember just looking at looking at this board and saying like I don't know what virtue is like I couldn't define it for you but like that is what I want and I know that we've been breaking open a lot last night and today and I know that some of you look at this and look at me and look at all of it be like yeah but like what is it what does it look like virtues like locked in a vault with Jane Austen and we need to free it right like it's this beautiful word that didn't like true work in my heart and then I ran into this quote love is not primarily a feeling though it may be accompanied by feeling that's the confusion of our time confusing loves feeling with love itself love actually is a great act of the will it's when I say I desire you're good not for my sake but for yours father Bob one of my other mentors Bishop Baron I come to you saying like this hide right here you guys this is straight-up truth this is straight-up beauty st. Thomas Aquinas Saint John Paul the great Fulton sheen all my homeboys right like they all say like this is love the world says love is the complete opposite I'm here to like change your idea of what love is read it again look it's not primarily a feeling though it can be accompanied by feeling heck yes right it's confused I remember reading this what it's like I desire your good not for my sake but for yours hold up wait like why would I do something that's like not good for me and only me love isn't just like this fluffy clouds that I fall into it's not just this like warm fuzzy feeling where it's like I got this and I I'm just gonna hold on to it I'm gonna do anything I can to never lose it again like grasping desperate right I'm in love I can't fall out a level why do people stay with people that aren't good for them I mean we're gonna get to the cushion answer I could just lay out a ton of questions for you right now right we could go through I mean when I told you I need a four hours I meant it because this is not what you hear every day but this is truth how many of you guys ever feel like you know everything you're not supposed to do you know all the knows you're like check check check like I know what's hurt me I know what I don't want for my life right like I can give you all the answers there but I don't know what to do with my life I don't know what to do and say yes to do you guys ever feel that way I felt that way all the time in high school I'm like okay no no no no what the heck am I suppose we saying yes to when I was in college we got really bold one night a bunch of us girlfriend all much of my girlfriends and I got together and we were like let's do it so we walked up to the group of our guy friends and we and we looked at them and we were like what do you want like what are you looking for like what's the most attractive thing about a woman like tell because we're like exhausted trying to figure it out right and they got into a man huddle have you guys all seen a man huddle right we're like guys get together and like put their arms around each other shoulders and they sway back and forth like this and there's typically grunting right yeah there was this group right here this red group right here they were having one over here earlier right like it's very mul it's very manly right so they got into this man huddle in in there over there for like ten minutes and all this girls are like hanging there like really talking about this like this is awesome and they break huddle and all like John Wayne style they're like we got it we got it we got it we got it we got it and they like strut over to us and we were like yeah give it to us most attractive thing about a woman let's go and they looked at us and they said holiness and confidence and we were like I'm sorry come again and they said holiness and confidence they said even girls who are even guys like their friends are guys that aren't into their faith would say they want a girl who like knows who she is and does the right thing like holiness and confidence and we just looked at this guy's and it was the most awkward exit of a building of all time we just left we were like wow so good so deep thank you wow thank you awesome man and we just left and I remember we went back to my apartment and one of my girlfriends like threw her coat on the ground she's like why do we even ask we asked we wanna know what the heck that means right just go be holy and confident watch me frolic here I go right like I got nothing so we went back to them right and we're like hey hi we're gonna need some like practical tips and tools to like execute this cuz we have no idea what you're talking about right and so the guy sat down and they busted out a napkin and they started writing down these like attributes characteristics like traits virtues of this girl you know and they're like writing it down we're like oh that is so good keep doing that right so we busted out you know over in our group were like generous women we're gonna make the simply irresistible virtue you know we called it the simply resistible virtuous man list right so we started making that list and then we got together with the guys and we presented these lists to each other it was the most fantastic conversation and night that I had in college it was fun the guys presented theirs on a napkin we had ours in Excel color-coded because men and women are different yes created equal and dignity but different yes complementary yes right and we presented these lists and it changed the way I mean I we all just kind of like dang we thought we just had to like lose 10 10 pounds and dye our hair like what is this right but we came to the table and we had a really beautiful honest conversation and so I started asking other people I'm like what do you think should be on this list like you know we started compiling them so I asked men of all different ages like what do you think should be on this list I asked women what do you think should be on this list and so I brought them with me this is a ladies first right ladies this is what the men wrote for the women she's gentle and kind graceful and sincere patient and flexible doesn't gossip isn't rude tries to eliminate drama not create it poised and modest open to the needs of others nurturing and welcoming joyful and fun she stands up for what is right and seeks the truth she has courage does not afraid to confront and help someone she's genuinely excited for another not jealous or vain she speaks with conviction she's responsible prudent humble and honest she's secure she's sensitive to the needs of others her relationship with God comes first in her life she puts others first before herself she strives for excellence in all things and chastity and sobriety and tries her hardest in academics or her career she's not led solely by her emotions and passions she maintains balance and order in her life she lives a life of charity and service she's forgiving trustworthy loyal and pure all the ladies in the house take a deep breath in let it out repeat after me ladies striving striving not perfect because perfect doesn't exist striving deep breath in and let it out good fellows I just had to take the women through intensive breathing treatments because this just completely wrecked their life okay women don't look at like you know this and go like oh my gosh I want to be her they look at Liz like this and they're like I'm not that I'm not that I that I mess that up at lunch I'm not that I'm not that I'm not that I just need a nap in a box of Oreos thank you good night okay ladies striving not perfect yes ladies okay boom there's you guys there is not a woman walking the earth that is perfectly all these things guy her name's Mary mama Mary st. Joseph won the lucky ticket sorry fellas you're left with the rest of us driving fool sorry okay so here's the deal there's no like there's no perfect lady so just like take that pressure and put it down guys tell me all the time you you know what's crazy about that list it's not like that list what's actually attractive about her is her act of striving for it like her striving for it is what's attractive can you ladies put that somewhere deep in your heart yes ladies do you want to see this simply resistible virtuous man all the girls always like put up the list all the guys are always like or not is this gonna be painful right like fellas I'm with you Asian Zing's chicken wings we're together okay here we go this is what the women said for the men he is a leader provider protector initiator chivalrous brave and courageous gentle and respectful intuitive and patient joyful and fun he stands up for what is right and seeks the truth he has courage and is not afraid to confront and help someone he's genuinely excited for another not jealous or vain he speaks with conviction he's responsible prudent humble and honest he's secure he's sensitive to the needs of others his relationship with God comes first in his life he puts others first before himself he strives for excellence in all things and chastity and sobriety and tries his hardest in academics or his career he's not led solely by his emotions of passions he maintains balance and order in his life he lives a life of charity and service he's forgiving trustworthy loyal and pure all the fellows in the house just shrug your shoulders be like I'm all right I'm all right I'm all right I'm all right right like I'm all right I will make a deep breathe but like just it's all right fellows repeat after me striving striving not perfect because perfect doesn't exist striving all the ladies aren't in the house or like it's just attractive than saying it my gosh right like Wow striving what a word okay ladies it's just as important for you to hear them say striving as it is for them to say it they just found out about the list like two seconds ago give them a chance yes fellas in the house I bet you have not seen this right like some of the guys always come at you like what like well not I don't say anything and I'm wrong but like what am I supposed to be doing right like this is what the women wrote for you you guys did you notice how the two lists they're the same did you guys see that right hey do we share humanity yeah we're a little different but we complement each other beautifully I have guys come up to me all the time after my Thaksin oh hey Sarah could we talk to you for a minute I'm like yeah they're like over there I'm like over here yeah okay great so it's like me and like five guys right and they're always like um two quick questions they're like uh you know the list thing I'm like yeah uh are you sure that's what the girls want I'm like yeah like ten years of the list like right and they're like okay cook okay are you sure that's what the girls want I'm like yeah and they always look at me with like pain in their eyes and they're like then why do women throw themselves half-naked at the complete opposite I knew it was coming right and I look at those guys and all the guys here that are like preach right like all these guys that are in this room and I look at them with love in my eyes and I look at them and I say that's a 4-hour answer but I can boil it down to one word and that one word is woundedness because we're wounded because we haven't been loved the way that we need to be loved or should be loved insert my talk last night yes that is why and I stand before you on a stage saying dating 101 like let's go team right like I want you if you're called to marriage to see these lists and say that's the kind of wife that's the kind of husband that I want to be that's the kind of mother and father that I want to be if I'm called to this you are so wrapped up I think high school is just so it's so hard did you guys notice how nothing on that list up there has anything to do not a thing to do with the way you look or the size you are or what you can bench nothing it has nothing to do with the way you look this is a timeless classy spiritual beautiful list that will last you your whole life this is my list that I strive for this is it this is the whole game ladies is it hard to be a woman not just me good okay so I'm gonna have you take this era Swofford pledge you ready all the ladies raise your right hand I promise you Sarah from this day forward I will not make life harder on another woman amen now look at the women around you and say I mean it I mean it I mean it I mean it fellas in the house is it hard to be a man y'all don't like no is it hard to be this simply irresistible virtuous man yes fellas in the house raise your right hand I promise you Sarah from this day forward I will not make life hard on another guy amen now look at the min around you and say I love you man you're beautiful I love your hair you look amazing yes everyone in the house here we go raise your right hand I promise you Sarah from this day forward I will not make life harder on the opposite sex amen now look at the opposite sex around you and say I mean it I mean it I mean it [Applause] okay here's the deal bring it home right here last thing I'm gonna tell you look at me look at me look at me right here right here right here ladies I need you to find your tribe your squad get a hashtag get a t-shirt but you need to get together and you need to run with this group of women after this yes fellas in the house I'm gonna be really honest with you I need your help I need your help I stand in lines for hours and lines and lines of women and they look at me and they're like where are them like Who am I gonna marry where are the men gonna come from and I look at them and I say Steubenville main campus - yes I look at them and I say they're here yes fellas look at me look at me fellas there is a huge difference I I need you to I need you to pull together in Brotherhood like never before I need you guys to get together and say her talks legit the list is legit let's run I need one of you to be bold and to stand up and be like let's do this and then five guys will stand up and be like I'm with you I shouldn't want to say it first right I need you to do this for me okay here's the deal fellows in the house take this party to your small group make it happen look at me there is a huge difference between a bro and a brother a bro is someone you party with a brother or someone you invest in and I need you to invest in each other the brothers in this house because I need you to run together and bring each other closer to our Lord and grow in virtue and then I need you to look at the ladies who are in this little group going could someone asked me to bowling and a pizza please hey I need you to take that group and I need you to invite the women and I need you guys to run together towards our Lord yes yes here we go I want you to learn to be friends with the opposite sex before you date anybody yes I promise you those relationships that you have are gonna bring you closer to each other teach you about yourself teach you how to be friends of the opposite sex to look across and see your brother in Christ or your sister in Christ and love them I love you not for my own sake but for yours because you are beautiful and you're worthy and the minima in this house you're a beautiful and you are worthy and I'm gonna show you that through friendship and then if God calls us to date then we're gonna build that on this yes yes sorry I just got really fired up dan harms come let's do let's do Q&A yes let's do it [Applause] all right so here's the deal dan you have a coffee cup yeah are so adorable coffee table coffee table coffee talk are you guys okay if we do this hey let's make some noise for Sarah this is their amazing [Applause] I got I got a little passion in here yeah yeah okay oh these are really hard questions so I'm just gonna ask you them all I'm just kidding huh are you guys ready how do you know when you need to break up with someone and how do you break up with them when you know it's time that is why why did I choose that first after this here's here's the thing that I love because having been a teen sitting in an audience and I was this kid there is some of you in here right now whose hearts are going because you're like oh no this is they're talking to me here's here's here's one of the biggest red flies in this this maybe goes a little extreme there's lots of different reasons to break up with somebody but here is a really important profound one is that if you have somebody in your life that you are dating who is pulling you away from your congregation is pulling you away from your friends away from your family it was isolating you you are shutting other people out to the exclusion so that you can be with this person that is a sick and unhealthy dynamic that is an immediate immediate red flag that's I [Applause] want to speak in this moment to everyone who's sitting next to their boyfriend or girlfriend I always tell people hey no mad love for you right now mad love for you I know there's couples in here I know that there's people who are dating I know there are people who have boyfriends or girlfriends at home and I just want you to hear me say that I know that taking all this in is hard and I'm gonna go ahead and answer another one right which is what do you do if you haven't saved yourself or you want to start over and live chastity and live this out I'm just gonna combine those two together my heart speaks to your heart right now because there's a lot of couples in here that are like she just threw down on that stage virtue and love and the cycle of use just got an answer of what do I do instead and I know that that is a lot to take in right now but I would be lying to you if I didn't say that with all of my heart I believe that this is the way to find your spouse and to live out dating and engagement I mean I again I wrote a whole book on it because I'm so passionate about it and I want to be able to go to coffee with you and give you the 4-hour answer and I just would rather I just I wrote the book so I could do that but in that book there are a couple lines in there that are speaking from my heart and that really truly like if you if you saw those lists up there with the virtue and you're like man how do I explain this to my significant other praise God if they are here because you guys can go have an a beautiful conversation about your relationship right now it doesn't mean that you just immediately break up with someone but my heart wants you to have that conversation with them called do we bring each other closer to God do do I do you bring out the best in me do you will my good above yours shoot let's get very real right now okay if you really like if you think you're in love and you want to be with this person but you're having sex or doing everything and all of that the question really truly is and this is hard to hear but if if you're able to step back and say like no like I don't want to use you anymore even though like we know we love each other and all that you know all the stuff that you say if there's no ring there's no vow and there's no commitment and you don't know for sure that that person is gonna be your spouse and I want you to like it with my heart I want you to hear me say that because you don't know and I come to you and say that out of love and if you guys if you have already slept together or you're not a virgin or you're sitting there going I like this is alway new to me Sarah come into my heart right now and let me hear then let me tell you that like today is day one for you and your relationship I mean I'm out beg you to go to confession tonight and just give all of that to Jesus you are never too far gone you are never damaged goods even if your virginity was taken away from you like this is you day one and I want you to take that into tonight and adoration because it's never too late to start over and I want you to take this talk and your friends and your significant other and I want you to be real with it I want you and so if it's like oh shoot Sarah my boyfriend does not bring me closer to God and we are doing all of this and I have been in this moment I am so overwhelmed or the guys that are feeling like shoot like this is beautiful this is just a day where you get to start that conversation and then you get to watch and see how they react to what you're saying because if you're convicted in it and you want it and they don't you have your answer for the break-up question Amen yes well Amen I would say - one of the things about breaking up is that any time that I've been through that experience for the most was built around the fact that like look I want what is best for you and I want what is best for for both of us like our our our future lives our future spouses our future whatever whatever our life holds in store for us the best thing for that is for us to either change certain behaviors or be it's not for us to be together right like I was best for you is not to be with me and that's not because I don't want to be with you like you're great and you're super fun but like this is just not right in the moment that you figure out that that is not right that is the moment when you need to go ahead and execute go ahead and just have that conversation with them not to hurt them not to be mean to them but just for what's good for them and good for yourself and that's a great way to frame the breakup conversation hard sure but you got to do it you're becoming an adult do it amen very hard though very hard can you date a non-catholic or someone that isn't into their face yeah here's yes yes you can't don't date projects like don't date somebody I can fix that oh just let me fix yes yes that happens on both sides date potential date don't date projects date someone's gonna take you to heaven date someone that's gonna run ahead of you and be like let's go don't drag anybody to heaven with you if you're gonna date them don't be like no seriously let's go let's go let's go no run side by side together you want someone that's running with you are you gonna have times where maybe you're doing better in your faith than they are and you need to like support them yes but please don't drag projects around yes everyone nods right up and down and be like I didn't I'm picking up what you're throwing down yes okay and and acknowledge acknowledge the fact that ultimately like you're dating in order to ultimately discern and then lead to a sacrament right yes and the point of marriage like your job as a married person my job with my wife and her vow to me my vows to her is to get her to heaven that's my job yeah you cannot you it's it's profoundly profoundly difficult and it's a trail that is marked with lots of Tears if the other person has no interest in getting you to heaven or being there themselves amen so like that's the ultimate goal you are there to sacrifice yourself and to love them and to help them get to heaven and they you and so if that's just really a non-starter from the gate stuff last thing we're gonna answer these fast so that we can get to more of them but I really like I know you yes you can marry a non-catholic yes you can marry someone that's maybe not into their faith but I think I know dan and I and Katie and Bob and everybody like everybody on staff will tell you that the greatest thing about their marriage like the greatest gift of my marriage is our shared Catholic faith yeah I mean it's not that I it's not that you can't marry a non Catholic but I just like the richness of that like I can't even tell you what comes along with that does that make sense yeah well that's and that's the view holding to about intimacy right yeah there is intimacy in praying with so much I don't know how you feel like praying together as a company together all the time but in a dating situation oh yeah I mean the intimacy of praying with your spouse is is as intimate as sexual experiences yeah I mean it's profound for sure um dating or praying while dating I get a lot of people this actually flows right really well into this next question um what is emotional chastity what is emotional virtue anybody ever wondered that all the guys are in here like it's like with mental Stocking what they're talking about um I wrote when I wrote my book it was because there was a lot of conversation going on about emotional chastity and I actually don't like the phrase emotional chastity because what you hear is chastity equals abstinence like chastity is not having sex so everyone's like oh so you mean emotional absence like I shouldn't have emotions and I shouldn't feel I'm like ain't wrong like timeout that's not at all what we're talking about virtue is by definition the habitual disposition to do good emotional virtue is having your emotions in right order amen so the whole idea this whole conversation you know of can you pray together in a dating relationship I'm like yeah go on a walking rosary go to Mass together go to adoration together even pray over you know pray over each other be like man I bring peace to my girlfriend's heart right now you know leave that's good stuff right what I don't want you to do is some people will get together and pray and they and they get they like pour out their soul through prayer in a very like spiritual way to their boyfriend of two weeks and what happens when he takes that knowledge of your soul and dumps you and runs off with it or uses it against you in a fight or against you in a breakup it really depends on like how long you've been together and where you're at in your relationship if you're engaged like yeah pray together like things like that but I get when I started doing ministry I was I was with a bunch of college students and I started seeing that they were like okay yeah like don't sleep together but there's a whole nother game that plays before that amen an emotional virtue is where it was that which is like how do I get you know my favorite way to define it if I'm on an airplane and people ask me what I do for a living I'm like six hours later I'm like here we go but when I tell them I wrote a book on emotional virtue they're like what the heck is that and it was like really it's looking at your heart looking at your your emotions looking at who you are and saying I'm gonna rise above my emotional spontaneous reaction in this moment and choose the good that you and the beautiful for me and my beloved so what does that look like in a relationship right it looks like this like you two are together right like you're about to make a poor life choice like my friend last night right and you look at each other and you rise above that spontaneous emotional reaction in the moment of what you want to do and you say I'm gonna choose the true the good and the beautiful for your heart right now I'm gonna walk away when soif and I were engaged it gets really hard when you're engaged cuz you're like we're engaged right like chassis doesn't get easier as you keep going chastity is the greatest gift to love it's the Pertex love so we came up with a code word so we would basically like like if something was going on and you know couple rules for chastity how far is too far all these questions right like I know you have them like I wish we had tons of time right but you should never Rev someone's engine only to turn it off you should never try to turn someone on like why would you be trying to turn them on if you're not married right because if you're just teasing you're just tempting you're just flirting it's not love it's use so to be able to like look at yourself and look at your heart and be like I don't want to use you I don't want to rev your engine turn it off I'm not gonna mess with you emotionally by playing mind games or heart games with your heart like I'm not gonna do that to you because that's not fair to you that's not love that's not loving you well yeah and I think I think yeah amen I think now now more than ever because so much communication happens over text yes right so much so much communication happens in these little bursts of things where you're not physically present with a person it is so easy to string someone along and like kind of bait them into a very like seemingly vulnerable emotionally you know just kind of vulnerable conversation yeah but is quite a bit farther than you anybody needs to be yeah and it's because you have this facade that's blocked between you right of digital space if you can't have those conversations you can have that that growth in your relationship in person then then you needn't be having it over digital platforms right it's it's messy right texting entered in a whole new ballgame for everything girls come up to me all the time they're like yeah we've been like talking texting hanging out for like six months and then when we're in person he like acts like he doesn't know me like really yeah yeah this is why I wrote the book to be totally honest I was watching all of this and I have guys come to me all the time right and they're just like same thing and so when I wrote like what I say emotional virtue it's like me and there's so much going on like how far is too far all the sexual side like it's all there but there's a lot that's going on before that and so like I come to you and I just say like look if you want to play the game well right look at the virtue list right but then whenever you start to date someone people tell me that all the time so our rules soif and I like we we both like we were the first people we dated after our conversions so after our day ones this was our first relationship and he looked at me when he just looked at me and he's just like I want this to be so radically different than any other person I've ever dated and so we made two rules we made we made the rule like we weren't gonna make out and we're gonna lay down together those were the two rules that we made to safeguard our relationship and I happily tell you that the first time we ever made love or ever slept in the same bed or anything was our wedding night and it is so worth the wait you guys I just come to you to tell you that and I know a lot of the guys like I'm sure a lot of you guys out there like why are we clapping for this right like I like I like she's crazy you know like and and I come to you saying you know a lot of you are sitting around what can we do right like if we if that's like we can't do those two things it's like if you're dating someone right now and you remove the sexual aspect and you can't stay together please break up you your marriage will fall the freakin heck apart if you are getting to give you're marrying you again love you guys love is made to bind you together to your spouse like that is what it's for it's the blinders that says you know what like this is gonna bring us together for a life why do people stay with people who abuse them who beat them who are bad for them when I have girls and guys come up to me asking for advice on that I mean my question back is are they sleeping the other because if they are then that's the blinding binding force that's totally blinding them to everything that's going on does that make sense you guys if you again chastity is the great friend of love I am NOT debbie downer I am NOT here to kill your joy and ruin your life I promise I am a heck of a good time I am fun I want that for your life right I just want to protect your heart and I want you to have a marriage if you're called America to make to marry someone like to just blow your expectations out of the water for what marriage can be for the marriage I have that I love like I want that for you I'm not here to kill your fun in your joy do you guys pride say say Sarah I don't hate you okay good now I can sleep tonight thank you okay we're good right okay last question what do you want it to be I don't know what the options are okay Oh we'll end it this one why don't girls want to date me hahaha here's here's the thing I won review Exhibit B & C or whatever from the slides but to is if you are not comfortable with yourself right if you if you and here's the thing is like that everyone's uncomfortable ourselves to some extent right but you need to do some work on yourself and figure out who you are what you stand for what you believe in right if if any person can come up to you and say something and it is gonna completely change the trajectory of how you dress the way you act who you talk with and what you do you need to spend some time figuring out who you are right when you get your own self-identity and a little bit of confidence and your feet on the ground understand who you are what you stand for what you want life and you are content with yourself that is when you become profoundly attractive to other people and have the space in your life to be able to welcome somebody else into a relationship where you start growing yeah I would also say this sounds really man speaks fire you guys high school is the greatest time I mean I know you hate you you like to throw things at me right now but like being single in high school and college it's the greatest gift because God has carved out this time for you to figure out who you are what you're made of to work on these virtues like to really grow closer to him to make phenomenal friendships like phenomenal friendships that you're gonna build those relationships upon figure out who you are don't let the person that you either want a date or your dating dictate that like I did like that's something I wish I could go back and see I lost so many years that I could have been growing in virtue by doing that playing that game I put this slide up here this is just somebody's very dear to my heart it says oh Jesus I surrender myself to you take care of everything this is from the Tsarina art their surrender novena by an amazing priest but in my life you guys like I like I have the virtue sheets like remember I showed you guys the virtues like all this simply resistible list like they're in my book but we made we actually made sheets of and we call it the virtue challenge so what what we do is you pick a different virtue every week you write down three ways that you want to grow and that virtue you write down three ways you know that the devil is gonna stand in your way the obstacles that may come your way it may be the name of a person and then you write down the most important part is who is your accountability partner or your accountability partners we made them in the laminated sheets over in the bookstore you can like highlight you can circle and you get together with your squad or your crew or your Brotherhood and you get together and you're like this is what I'm working on hold me accountable kinda like we talked about last night the three most amazing ingredients to a friendship are availability vulnerability and accountability I mean that's I made we made prints of this we made stickers we made all the stuff because I want you to walk out of here like with a toolbox of tools to go back into your life and fight like you know what like we talked about this morning with the ladies I'm sure the men talked about it imagine you own what two is like we're in a battle like it is a battle and I want you and your Brotherhood and your crews to get together and strive for virtue and strive for holiness to be close to our Lord yes like we are so proud of you and so excited for you and for all of you that are sitting there going mushy like my heart is a mess like that's what tonight's for we're gonna go before the Lord tonight and we're gonna lay out before him yes go to confession go to your people say like my heart right and and we're gonna end with this we are praying for you we are praying for you we are praying for you we love you what's in tuna glory be and the name of the Father and the son of the Holy Spirit amen all glory be to the Father the Holy Spirit as it was the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end amen Saint Joseph in the name of the Father the Son the Holy Spirit amen we love you go get him yes [Applause]

Channel: Steubenville Youth Conferences

Views: 16,810

Rating: 4.9470201 out of 5

Keywords: Catholic, Charismatic, Youth Conference, Youth, Conference, Evangelization, Steubenville Conferences, Steubenville

Id: rgZBq0R0kTc

Length: 50min 7sec (3007 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 25 2019