Sarah Swafford: "Tearing Down Walls" | SLS18

what a day I am so excited to be with you on this first full day father Mike and I are just pumped to hang out with you tonight we've been joking we've been planning these talks for months and we keep joking that we should just like walk out on stage and be like dude you really need friends like you just really really really need friends and then just like dance that's what we decided to do so but I I guess I mean I heard it said once that you become like the five people you spend the most time with choose wisely you become like the five people you spend the most time with choose wisely think back to elementary school right or that blessed and glorious time in all of our lives called junior high right please Lord Jesus never again right or maybe high school or like so many of you here in college right I mean you know who you hang with right or maybe some of you are grad students or you know out in the work world for the first time or some of you are you know engaged or you just had your first baby or you just had your eighth baby or you're a new baby priest um there are so many I am I like there this is like the adorable nun fest amen like I just they're like they're edible you could just like eat them right like I just want like oh it's it's the best people-watching of all time is this kind of stuff right I just Oh shout out to all you nuns so I know for myself if I were to tell you the five people I hang out with the most they look something like this these are the five people I hang out with the most so this is my family I know so I I love this picture because um that's my husband that's soif our last name is Swofford his name's Andy I call him suave affectionately he's actually a theology professor at Benedictine college I know you're back there shoutout to my hometown of Atchison they call him doc swa4 swath daddy or P Diddy swath or my personal favorite David Hasselhoff and he is a very attractive man we've been married 12 years that's Thomas and Fulton and Kate and Colby Colby Joseph and I love this picture because everyone sees this and they're like oh my gosh like your sweet family and I just want to be like why hashtag lies because every picture has a story right I just want to I want to point out that this is one of those days where we took over 200 pictures and this is the only picture where all of us are looking at the camera and it's one of those days I know if you've ever had this family picture day where your mom's like look look look look I'll give you ice cream I'll give you pizza I'll give you a $10 bill I just need you to smile right now right like I just need this to happen and I'm sure a lot of you I'm sorry if you can throw the picture up one more time I love it at first glance do you see my baby up there in the right hand corner yeah that's a rock on his head do you see that like that's a boulder actually right things you don't see right like he picked up this huge rock and I tried to take it from it and it was like World War 3 I was like it's good it's our pet rock it's in our Christmas card I don't even care right every picture has this story and the reason why I like to show that is because one of my favorite quotes is the reason why we're insecure is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel amen social media it has this like power screens and just it has its way as you're like swiping and and scrolling and you're just like perfectionism competition comparing like insecurities pressure and it just mounts and then you take your phone and you like put it on your nightstand and you're like why do I feel just like a little bit worthless right now like where is that coming from and just I mean I'm not a hater I love social media like there's a place for it like phones are not going away right we know that but it's definitely messing with our relationships and our friendships and I think it's pretty fair to say that it's affecting it I don't know about you but I think in different times in life there are two questions that kind of subconsciously come at us especially when it comes to relationships and friendships and it hits you almost like when you're least expecting it and those two questions are am i enough and am I truly loved am i enough and am i truly loved I come from like the most amazing family my my parents are just like unbelievable parents I have two little brothers who are six four but I'm still the big sister right I'm a foot shorter it's like Oh your little sister no no no big sister right my parents aren't credible I'm actually they're actually here tonight and it's my dad's first-ever focus conference and I'm just like so pumped so I know and I was raised and I was loved but then in seventh grade I was bullied so bad that I had to switch schools and I look back on that time and if you would have asked me what is true friendship I don't think I could have defined it for you but I could have told you exactly what it feels like to be rejected and from that moment on in my life I started building walls just around me brick by brick just walls facades on each side asking the question of am i enough am I truly loved do you think I'm enough like do you am i enough for you am I pretty enough am i smart enough am i talented enough my creative enough am i athletic enough do you like me do you love me do you accept me did I make the team and these walls just kept coming up all around me and they're invisible in some ways right but you can kind of change them around to what people need or what you think they need especially when it comes to dating relationships and those with what do you see am i enough and my love do you love me and I watched these walls grow around me now I remember you know you stand behind them because they're there for protection right but they're also there for to make sure that you're you don't be rejected and I remember people would always ask you know like hey Sara how you doing you're like oh good great busy good you know fine fine awesome good so good so busy so good right isn't that what we say how you doing so good I'm fine really a girl told me one time that fine actually stands for freaked out insecure nervous and exhausted amen I was like truth right we hide behind fine and I'm telling you guys that job of trying to keep those walls and facades going it was the most exhausting thing I've ever experienced and then I went to college and it just upped the ante am i enough am I truly loved it affected all of my relationships all of my friendships and then I hid a place where the exhaustion was just too much and I signed up for a retreat I'm pretty sure my friends signed me up for the retreat but I was there right I'm sure you've all been signed up for a retreat as well and I remember the Saturday night they had adoration and confession and I hadn't been to confession in a long time and I remember getting in line for confession and going all the way to the front of the line got to the door got out of line and got back in it again and did it again right it's okay if you do it tomorrow night it's totally normal and so when I got back in the line I finally went in to this priest and I just laid out everything that I just told you the pressure the insecurities the fear the intense fear of screwing up my vocation of not being enough for the person that I was dating for the person that I wanted to date not having friends there's one thing I hear more than anything it's Sarah I don't have any friends the loneliness that is out there right now I remember feeling that but I was fine I was great everything was good as leaders you're taught to not show weakness everything's good I'm great we're fine what can I do for you right and I walked into that confessional and I laid it out for this priest and he looked at me and he said Sarah this is what I want you to do he said I want you to build a box and I want you to put everything that you're struggling with into that box and I want you to drop it off at the feet of our Lord and give it to someone who can actually do something about it and I want you to fall into his arms and I want you to let him love like no human can because you're going around making idols and gods out of all these people and they will that will always disappoint you and that's too much pressure for them because they can't be your God and Sarah you don't need a Savior because you already have one they don't have to be your Savior you already have one you fall into his arms and you let him love you and heal you and forgive you and make you whole and then after you feel strong and you've been running you stand up you've run with him you run to him then you run with him don't look in any other direction and when the time's right glance to the side and maybe that's who you're supposed to be with see who runs with you the best dating advice I ever received was I'm a priest in a confessional so when people tell you the priests don't know what's up drop kick good excellent he said run and that night you guys I realized for the first time in my life that what I had done is I had put a wall around my heart from God I looked at our Lord and I said I so desperately don't want to fail you I don't want to disappoint you I want you to love me and I want to be enough for you Lord and so I'm gonna keep my distance cuz I don't know if I want you to see everything all of my weaknesses you guys I had it completely backwards it took me 19 years to figure out that that was backwards and our Lord said to me bring it to me let me heal you run with me you don't need to hide from me your identity is rooted in the fact that you are my beloved daughter and you can't do anything to change that I love you and you're enough and you will always be enough that's the truth and that night brick started to fall and it was cool because I know a lot of you guys probably like oh so you started running and then you like glanced to the side and soif was like blinking neon green that's amazing right like no not not at all actually I started running I started going to Mass every Sunday I started going to confession I started reading good books I started going to adoration I found out what that was that was that was a good thing I started going and feeding my faith and I started running and I glanced to the side and guess who I saw a strong Catholic group of women I had you guys I didn't trust women as far as I could throw him women hate each other it's a problem right like I look to the side and there was these like strong Catholic women and you know what they did they invited me to be vulnerable to be myself to share my weaknesses to share my struggles to be there with me to be in the mess then we started running now to the corner of our eye we saw this group of strong Catholic men and it was amazing for the first time in my life I was able to look at those guys and say those are my brothers in Christ it's not like a flirt-fest like which one am i going to date next early how can you affirm me it's not about what can I take from you to me try to fill holes in me I saw I saw these Catholic men for the first time as my brothers in Christ as warriors going to battle with me and it changed the way I saw guys I saw these Catholic women these cabinet and we were running and that's what I wanted when I look at that time I remember we were very early in our faith and we were just trying to figure out like okay and I don't know if you feel this way but I feel that I remember feeling this way do you ever feel sometimes like I know exactly what I don't want I know exactly what I'm not supposed to do I know exactly what my wounds are I know exactly what I don't ever want to go through again but I'm not really sure what the heck I'm supposed to do with like do right now right what am I supposed to be like running or running I don't know what I'm doing right like prayer life something else right like okay I I was like that you know I was like I want this year let's go was run through a brick wall right like I'm ready but I don't really know what it was we doing and so a group of us girls one night in college we got bold and we asked a group of our guy friends we're like okay like what are you actually looking for like what is like in a significant other in a spouse like like what is the most attractive thing about a woman like what are you looking for and they got into a man huddle if you guys all seen a man huddle before right so they get into a man huddle and then it's like rugby right you know and they like put their arms like around each other's shoulders and they start swaying back and forth like this and there was grunting right and so they're over in this man huddle for like ten minutes and all of us girls are like oh my gosh this is gonna be so good like they're like actually talking about this and so they break huddle and they come back and they're like okay we got it we got it we got it we got it we got it we're like there's gonna be so good and they're like okay most attractive thing about a woman holiness and confidence and we were like I'm sorry come again and they were like holiness and confidence even guys that maybe aren't into their faith would say they want a girl who knows who she is and does the right thing and we were like wow thank you that is deep Wow like thank you and it was the most awkward exit from a building of all time right we were like wow thank you Wow and we just like walked away right and we got back to my we got back to our apartment and one of my friends like throws her coat down she's like why do we even ask we asked we don't know what the heck that is right like just watch me be holy and confident watch me frolic here I go right like hi I remember I was like I got nothing right so so we went back to them and we were like okay hi we're gonna need some like practical tips and tools for how to like execute this we all kind of thought we had to like dye our hair and lose ten pounds so we're this is proving to be a little more difficult and so they busted out a napkin and they started like writing down these traits these characteristics you know these virtues and they called her the simply irresistible virtuous woman and we're like ooh this is good this is good and so we started this simply resistible virtuous man list right and and so we like started writing all these things and we like we came to you really got together we presented them to each other there's is on a napkin ours was in Excel color-coded right cuz men and women are different right and so so we like sat down and it was so I opening and like in the last couple like throughout the years I asked like guys I'm like guys what do you think should be on this list like ladies what do you think should be on this list right and so I brought them with me because it's just easier to see it all at once so this is what the men wrote down for the women the simply irresistible list for the women okay it's kind of overwhelming but here we go ladies ready this is what the men said she's feminine she's gentle and kind graceful and sincere patient flexible doesn't gossip isn't rude tries to eliminate drama not created poised and modest open to the needs of others nurturing and welcoming joyful and fun she's confident she stands up for what is right and seeks the truth she has courage and is not afraid to confront and help someone she's genuinely excited for another not jealous or vain she speaks with conviction she's responsible prudent humble and honest she's secure she's sensitive to the needs of others she's committed her relationship with God comes first in her life she puts others first before herself she strives for excellence in all things chastity and sobriety and tries her hardest in academics or her career she's not led solely by her emotions and passions she maintains balance and order in her life she lives a life of charity and service she's forgiving trustworthy loyal and pure all the ladies in the house just take a deep breath in let it out good one more time deep breath in and let it out again ladies repeat after me real quick striving striving not perfect because perfect doesn't exist striving deep breath in and let it out okay I always tell them in I'm like men right here right like this this list isn't we don't go like oh my gosh I want to be this we like look at this list and we're like I'm not that I'm not that I'm not that I messed that one up at dinner I'm not that I'm not that I'm not that I just need a nap right okay ladies striving not perfect striving right huh ladies it's so good I was told the men I'm like we had to do deep breathing right so like fellas ladies do you want to see this simply resistible virtuous man all the ladies were always like put up the slide all the guys are always like or not like I feel like this is gonna be guys it's gonna be okay we're in this together okay we got this okay this is what the women wrote down for the men okay he's masculine confident and committed he's masculine he's a leader provider protector initiator chivalrous brave and courageous gentle and respectful intuitive and patient joyful and fun he's confident he stands up for what is right and seeks the truth he is courage and is not afraid to confront and help someone he's genuinely excited for another not jealous or vain he speaks with conviction he's responsible prudence humble and honest he's secure he's sensitive to the needs of others he's committed his relationship with God comes first in his life he puts others first before himself he strives for excellence in all things and chastity and sobriety and tries his hardest in academics or his career he's not led solely by his emotions and passions he maintains balance and order in his life he lives a life of charity and service he's forgiving trustworthy loyal and pure all the men in the house just just shake your shoulders like this bag am i right our item right I won't I won't make you deep breathe right but like we're all right all right all right right okay good fella's repeat after me striving striving not perfect because perfect doesn't exist striving all the girls just fan yourself right and all the guys just it's all good right it's all good something very manly about the word striving in a large crowd right okay good what I want you to notice about these lists did you guys notice how confident and committed were the exact same list did you guys see that we share humanity it's a crazy thing right like in the feminine and masculine that's what the women said about the men and the men said about the women so many of those things are interchangeable right what is it it's virtue I love the whole you do you it's like well you do you is straight up relativism but if you do you with Jesus and virtue we are good right like you do you and live out these these look I mean yes and this isn't this is just a fraction of all the amazing virtues that are out there but I took one look at this list and I was like yeah this this is what I want this is the wife I want to be this is the mother I want to be this is the daughter of God I want to be and I know all of you are tempted to do what I wanted to do which is like say okay good good so I have to like check all these boxes and like get my act together right and like get you know okay do this and then God will love me and then I'll make the team and then I'll find my perfect spouse and then I'll blank blank blank and blank blank like no you guys this is called I know my identity as a beloved daughter of God and for you men you know your identity is a beloved son of God he delights in you your identity is steeped in the fact that you have Jesus Christ as the king and Lord of your life and out of that love flows virtue out of that love flows this list it's not about checking boxes we don't play the game the world plays this is different virtue is different virtue is beauty and truth like flowing out of you when I was writing my book on emotional virtue for men and women I was going through relationships a lot of people think it's just about like significant other dating relationships but it's family its friends its significant others it's your relationship with God it's all relationships and it was the hardest thing I've ever done just tried to write that book because if I could I wanted to go to lunch or I wanted to go crab coffee with you like that would be my preferred method right so I just wrote a letter to you and I said this is what I want you to know and when I was writing that book there was one friend that I turned to over and over and over again he was a dear friend of mine he lost his parents before he was 20 he had incredible hardships in his life but he understood friendship and he understood the human condition better than anybody else and I went to him over and over and over again he's probably a good friend of yours as well his name is st. John Paul the second yes and I would sit at his feet and I would look at him and I would say how do we do this how do we run how do the women trust women how did the men trust men how do the women and men trust one another how do we look at each other differently say I just turned him so many times weird leaving my husband and I are leading a pilgrimage to Poland and to Rome we're tracing the footsteps of his life this Holy Week 2018 we're gonna trace his entire life and I can't wait because the more that I learned about him and the Polish people the more I realize friendship is what really brought him to the core the Nazis came and they were like we're gonna take your faith we're gonna take your Catholic culture and he said no not me not us not my friends and then the Communists came and said we're gonna take your face that we're gonna take your Catholic culture and we're gonna try to destroy your friendships and destroy your families and he looked at them and said no not me not us and they went on to be Pope then here comes the sexual revolution and secularism and utilitarianism and relativism and he looked at it and said nope not me not us not my friends here not the church and he stood up against it he banded people together like hi Jim said warriors together on a battlefield you guys we desperately need each other we need each other you need friends you need accountability the two hardest things about being friends with someone is vulnerability and accountability you have to have it to go where you need to go with our Lord to have those friends who look you in the eye and say speak truth to my heart the world is loud speak truth to my heart my challenge to you tonight is to pick two people in your life name them go to them tonight go to them tomorrow FaceTime them I don't care just look at them and say let's run I want what she's talking about I want virtue I want confidence that I'm a beloved son or daughter of God I want this remind me when times get tough hold me accountable I want faith I want virtue I want conviction I want confidence walk with me run with me I want to leave you with this quote of his st. John Paul this against my favorite do not be afraid do not be satisfied with mediocrity put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch let's pray in the name of the Father and the son of the Holy Spirit amen Heavenly Father we thank you for this day I thank you for every single person in here who gave you their yes this week to go deeper into their relationship with you and with one another father I ask you to give us a radical boldness when it comes to our friendships to be honest about what we're struggling with to put you at the very center of our life to put our friends first in our lives to love them for their sake not for ours I ask you to raise up soldiers and warriors to go to battle together Lord Jesus I ask you to raise up men that are true brothers in Christ to fight the battles that they're fighting together I ask you to raise up women sisterhood of honesty and love and I pray that they run together the men and the women heaven is friendship Lord we know heaven is friendship with you friendship with the Saints and the angels and friendship with one another help us to begin our heaven here on earth we give you all the glory as we pray glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit as it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end amen and the name of the Father and the son of the Holy Spirit amen saint john paul ii i'm praying for you i love you god bless you guys you

Channel: FOCUS Catholic

Views: 16,528

Rating: 4.9787798 out of 5

Keywords: SLS18, FOCUS, FOCUS Catholic, College Student, Catholic Conference, Catholic Faith, Catholic, Spiritual Multiplication, Catholic Talks, FOCUS Conference, Eucharist, Catholic College Students, Living the Faith, SEEK, SEEK by FOCUS, Sarah Swafford

Id: D8SBXi9LBvo

Length: 25min 43sec (1543 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 30 2018