Lisa Cotter - Dating 101 (2019 Steubenville Main Campus 1)

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I keep getting asked this question I don't mean to disappoint you but no I do not have a pet raccoon I know I have four children believe me it's way more work all of those things Bob just made that up that's just all I know oh why did I share that what's that yeah did anybody break an arm last night I've seen some casts a little concern for you all right we're good all right dating 101 you're in the right place yes good okay I see a lot of people filing in here so find a seat fantasies find a seat everybody awake oh my gosh that breaks time I came in here and I was a little shocked I didn't realize that we were having like a rap concert party going on was anybody in here for that that was awesome that was crazy I I'm the only member of the team who can't rap she's probably surprising when you look at me I you know look apart yeah a lot of fun and that family feud game oh man tiger I'm gonna remember that for the rest of my life I was so great I was so great all right for the sake of time we got a quiet down and we got to get going because we only have 45 minutes for me to explain everything you need to know about dating right right wrong no actually only 20 because I'm gonna be talking for 20 minutes and then we're gonna do Q&A for 25 minutes so we gotta bust this out so here we go let's pray the name of the Father and the Son the Holy Spirit amen come Holy Spirit see just how to pray Lord Jesus be with us be with us be with us it is the afternoon we have had such an incredible day today we thank you we praise you for that and I just pray that you have invited us into this room for something so open our ears give us the energy we need give us the alertness that we need to hear you to hear your voice and what it is you have for us your name we pray amen now father and son the holy spear so every year we do a little survey and we ask you all what do you want to hear about at the breakouts and it's Jumonville conferences and every year without fail in the top three includes something along the lines of dating everybody wants to know about it and I'm not surprised because here's the thing we live in a time where dating and relationships with the opposite sex it's confusing it is so confusing and friends I feel for you I feel for you because it is so hard to date in our world today it is so hard it is so confusing it's so ambiguous and I'm gonna give you two reasons why I think it's so hard first of all there are no norms to dating anymore if I ask you what does it mean to be dating somebody I'm gonna get as many answers as there are people in this room we have no idea how to define it anymore there used to be norms right like guys used to ask girls out that was just what happened right or when the relationship progressed the guy would ask the father for permission for things to go further right sex was for marriage there was norms to it and now it's like a free-for-all out there it's no wonder you guys are like I don't even know what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to be doing cuz it is it's chaotic it's crazy it's confusing and that makes it hard second reason I think dating is more difficult than it's ever been it's technology I'm not knocking on technology I'm not like so burn your phones no but you don't even realize how technology has changed you all because it's all you've ever known a couple of reasons it's harder social media social media messes with our ability to relate to each other because what happens is you get on your phone and you feel like you are connecting with someone you feel like you are having a relationship with them when in reality you're having a relationship with your screen that's not a real relationship and so then when you all get together it makes it more difficult for you to have organic natural conversations and relationships and you're all like what are you talking about like you can't understand it because it's all you've ever known but previous to the last what 20 years or whatever however long it's been around like the world has functioned differently than it does now there's no comparison to it anymore second reason with technology is texting texting makes things difficult don't tell me it doesn't because I know that all of your junior high relationships started out with just you and another person texting each other and that was your whole relationship was texting and then now you still text but it's confusing because you can text something and you can't see their face you can't see their emotion you don't know exactly what they're saying all you're seeing is words and then all this thing is like dot dot dot and they're like Ruth today right so you you don't have to convey emotion on text so you can just put something out there and somebody can interpret it however they want right and it gets confusing and you can even change your mind you could be like I love you and then they don't respond and you're like just kidding right like yeah you're like wait what was that I don't understand what's going out was that a joke was it not you don't know right just watch junior highers try to text with each other if you're wondering if the texting is confusing right like a boy will send a girl a poop emoji and he thinks he's flirting and the girls are all huddled around the phone like what does it mean right it's very confusing texting makes it difficult okay so when you combine these two things dating looks very different than it did at any other time during the world so I'm not gonna be able to solve everything for you in these next few minutes but what are we gonna do is I'm just gonna give you four four tips for dating and then I'm gonna invite the guys up because I wanna make sure we get some male perspective on this and we're gonna do a QA answering some of these questions you guys have all been sent to sending in on the app okay alright so before I even begin let me just say this okay um if you are currently not dating is what we're gonna call it okay if you're not having some kind of a relationship you don't really know to call it with the opposite gender first thing I want to say is that's okay like that is just fine okay the purpose of dating the end goal of dating or the end result of dating is marriage okay once you get married you stop dating it's no longer something you need it's no longer something that's useful to you okay so that's the end goal of dating okay so if that's the end goal and you all are in high school I'm gonna guests here that none of you all are planning on getting married in the next like two to three years is that probably accurate okay so time is on your side somebody was like I'm engaged I'm the youth minister that's good time is on your side okay there's no reason to rush into this or stress yourself out about this or feel like you have to be doing this to be considered normal okay if you're not dating there's nothing wrong with you okay there's nothing wrong with you and in fact you might be saving yourself some heartache if you're not because this is a season in life and like you're still figuring yourself out you're still figuring life out and in some times when you add in dating it gets a little chaotic but the fact is like I know you all are dating so I don't want to just be like well don't date like no I'm not gonna say that but let's figure out some ways to do this in a way that's gonna be healthy and actually like help you become the people that God's calling you to be okay so first step is dating one on start with friendship this seems so obvious but friends I cannot tell you how many times in high school I met a guy and in like this is me being vulnerable like a week or two later we were like something we were dating we were talking we were something there was like clearly something going on and then like two weeks later I'd look at the guy and be like who is this dork like what was I thinking I don't even know him I just was so excited about the idea of a boyfriend I was so excited at the idea of a relationship that I would jump into it and then I'd be like what was I thinking you can save yourself a lot of heartache if you just start with friendship get to know people before you just jump right in so before you even consider if there's something more maybe right hang out with that person get to know them spend time with them in a group sitting sitting setting Wow interact with their family watch how they treat their mom and their dad that might tell you something about how they might treat you in the future right learn about their characters see how they handle difficult situations do yourself that favor and I know it's kind of scary it's like well if I don't act right away then they might meet somebody else okay they weren't the right person for you okay you're not that powerful if God has a plan for you to be with that person and you are striving after his will you're not that powerful so don't freak out okay start with friends give yourself the time second thing whoa that was three things avoid isolation avoid isolation it can be really easy when couples get together have you seen this before your friend like starts dating someone else and then they like disappear they just totally ghost you and you're like where do they go they're like oh they're with their significant other all the time right okay this is a problem for a couple of reasons first of all when you isolate people like when you isolate yourself from other people you put yourself in a situation where you become blind to the reality of your relationship so I shared with the girls that I had these young adult girls that come over to my house every Sunday night and we hang out and we eat food and talk about Jesus and one of the girls recently went through a breakup and she was like Lisa I did so many things right like like we were striving for chastity we were training could Jesus like we were doing all those things were supposed to do like but I still like something's not right with this breakup like it still was brutal like what happens and so we went back and we traced through her relationship and we came down to the conclusion and actually she did that she had isolated herself from everybody else in this relationship she didn't invite her family into the relationship she didn't invite her friends into it when they hung out it was just the two of them and so there were red flags like all over the field and she couldn't see them because she was blinded by the excitement of the relationship so do not isolate yourself bring other people into the process make sure they meet your mom and dad make sure they meet your friends and hell with them and ask them what do you think of them do you think we're a good fit do you think we're a good match like be willing to have that kind of a conversation and it will help you a lot second thing is when you isolate yourselves friends that's not real life it's just not real life you're never just gonna like just you and this person for the rest of your life and nobody else is ever around that's just not real life okay one day let's say you do get engaged guess what their families are gonna be all up in your business because that's what happens they're gonna be there and one day you're gonna have children possibly God willing and those children they will not leave the house for at least 18 years okay so you are not gonna be by yourself for a long time so do not isolate yourselves it's not reality second thing third I can't count refuse to use dating 101 third thing I want to know third tip is to refuse to use as a speaker I get to spend a lot of time on airplanes and recently I hopped on a flight and I sat down and sitting next to me were these two girls they were having a very like giddy girly a conversation so it's climbing what's going on over here come to find out the girl at the window had just gotten engaged and everybody was so excited and so we know that the other two girls this other girl and I were like oh my gosh tell us the story like how did he propose and um what's the wedding date can we be bridesmaids right like we were all very excited for her and we weren't I wasn't really asking to be a bridesmaid okay maybe I'm talking too fast am I talking too fast there's so much I want to tell you it's a little time okay so so we're having this conversation and the conversation dies down about the engaged girl so naturally I turn to the girl in the middle and I say so are you seeing anyone like to have a boyfriend and she gets this sheepish look on her face and she's like okay yeah okay so there's this guy and like okay so like like he's like um like he okay so happy like we are in this like and she fumbled and fumbled in film she could not figure out how to explain their relationship she's like I don't know what to call it right have you have any embarrassed seen relationships like this before some of you okay if you haven't even been in a relationship like that before are any of you currently and actually I don't want to know I don't tell me I don't want to actually come talk to me after the talk we'll talk okay so finally after she's fumbling around with trying to figure out how to explain this she she comes up with an answer she says okay okay it's we're casually dating I said okay what is casually dating mean like are you like going to get coffee together are you like dating other people at the same time like what does that mean and she said no no it's like so like on Friday night or something like like you know sometimes like well like get together and just like hang out and like it's like it's like a friend you make out with it's like that's casually they're like what you talking about I was like okay okay so I play us down here so I said so is it basically like a situation where you just like use each other and she goes well when you put it that way it sounds kind of bad add I was like yeah yeah honey um you don't know who you're talking to um like I wrote the book like you have no idea who you're talking to I'm like okay so Tommy are you good with that are you good with that like you're good with the situation as it is like you know you guys just like get together and you make out and she's like yeah it's fine like it's not you know but um and then she got real serious and she said I don't know I mean I guess it doesn't really feel quite right it didn't really feel quite right like in the depths of her hearts she knew it was a relationship where they were just using each other and when she was real with herself and serious about it she was able to admit that yeah it didn't really feel quite right see there are a lot of opposites to love and I think one of the strongest opposites to love is not hate but use one of the strongest opposites love is not hate but use jp2 once put it this way Pope Saint John Paul the second a person's rightful do is to be treated as an object for love not as an object for use I think intrinsically we get that like yeah we shouldn't use people we know that but how often in our relationships are we so desperate to be in a relationship that we grasp for love for anything that's gonna gonna feel like love look like love when in reality we're settling for use we're settling for a mutual use and there's two ways that we do this the first way is we physically use each other which is what was going on with the girl on the airplane she was just physically using this guy to feel good and he was physically using her and vice versa we do this because the world tells us that that's supposed to make us happy like that's that's supposed to be fine right like let go of your Catholic guilt let go of your of your inhibitions you're so prudish like no no like it's no big deal the no-strings-attached hookup culture like that should be fine you should be fine with that but in our hearts we know like that's not okay like when we really allow ourselves to feel and think about it and stop and pause and question what the world tells us about Dani relationships we know like something's not right here my husband I rewrote this book two years two and two and a half years ago I spent six weeks hours upon hours upon hours interviewing face to face young adults who had gone through the hook-up culture they'd gone to high school - gone through college that graduated and I said what was it like tell me about it what was it really like and over and over and over again they said the world told me that if I went to that party and hooked up with that guy and got my t-shirt which is what they do in college sometimes they'll hook up with a guy and then the girl take home a t-shirt that's her like prize she's like and then the next day I'd be in my dorm room by myself and Lisa the emptiness was so hurtful and so hard I thought it was supposed to make me happier I thought it was to make me feel better and it didn't and asked the guys the same question I said guys what was the like here's what one guy said hooking up is so glorified in the media and mail Society there's all this positive reinforcement that comes with scoring and guys want the respect of their peers so we just talked about the positives of it I'd like to mention that Daniel was home-schooled this was him in high school when it was just about the physical stuff there was an emptiness and an uneasiness about it when it was over I think that's not right that's not what I really wanted see in our heart of hearts we know that we were made for more we know that we were made for more chastity this word that kind of sounds dorky chastity is not about rules and regulations it's not about do's and don'ts chastity is a virtue it's a habit that a gives you the freedom to love and be loved following God's plan is not about restrictions it's about freedom and over and over again in this book when I ask them now that you for those who had now that you are living and trying to strive for what God has planned for love and sex and dating what's alike and their word was freedom I'm finally free everything I've ever been wanting this this freedom to love and be loved I finally have it and it came from living chastity and we're gonna talk about this a little bit more in the Q&A but I got to keep moving on second way we use each other is emotionally we can emotionally use these now on I'm gonna point out a couple of quick things about emotions so we don't get confused first of all in themselves passions which include our emotions these are our physical and our emotional desires are neither good nor evil it's not right or wrong to feel a certain way emotions passions these things happen to us what matters is what we do with them the Catechism goes on to explain emotions and feelings can be taken up in the virtues so we can use them for good or they can be perverted by the vices so we can allow them to get twisted in something that is good gets twisted in the way that we're using it so the emotions how can we use each other emotionally then two ways I want to talk about first way is the emotional high that's when we just like her in the relationship because we love the butterflies because we love the thrill of the chase because there's something fun about the emotional side to it but that's about as deep as it goes the emotional high that's the first way we can use each other emotionally second way we can use each other emotionally is a sense of security when we get into a relationship and we get to a point where it's like I can't live without you guess what you can nobody's ever died from a breakup okay but we sometimes get into these relationships where our emotions are so tied to it that we start to identify ourselves with that relationship and we hold on to it even although it's wrong because it's something we can hold onto it's a sense of security if we get to that point of relationship we are now using that person emotionally people are not things we are not made to be used we were made and created to love and be loved last thing as we're going through this like blitzing here fourth thing fourth tip for dating is make Jesus the center make Jesus the center of your relationship the first goal of dating is to figure out do I want to marry this person am I going to marry this person that's the end goal of dating once you get married you stop dating it's done second goal that I would give you to strive for is to help each other become better people and specifically to grow in holiness which is impossible to do without Jesus without the Holy Spirit out God the Father we need them to be able to do this here's the reality of every relationship you ready they end in one of two ways either you break up or you stay together forever there are no other options either do you break up or you stay together forever if you make Jesus a center of your relationship in both of these circumstances it's a win if you stay together forever then you played some amazing foundations for that relationship if you break up it's a lot easier to look back on that relationship without regret and be able to say I grew I became a better person God use that relationship to help me become the person that I am today and to be able to move forward so let me give you a tangible example of this okay or a tangible way to think about this I want you to imagine for a minute that you date somebody and then you guys break up and then that person that you dated starts dating a friend of yours and that relationship is so awesome that they get engaged and then and then they invite you to their wedding and then they say actually will you be a bridesmaid or groomsman in our wedding here's your gut check could you stand up at the altar next to them in that line and be able to face that bride and groom and say when we were together I did my best to help him or her become a better person and I did everything that I could to honor that person and to help them grow in holiness and become the man or woman that God wanted them to be that might seem far-fetched you like that'll never happen guess what it happened to a guy once dated one of the groomsmen in my wedding was a guy I had dated because later in life he became best friends with my husband and I can honestly tell you that our relationship was pure it was pure we focused on Christ we prayed for each other and sometimes we prayed together at an appropriate level we served together we worked at a summer camp where we were working with teens and and junior high kids at this Catholic summer camp we did all these different things to try to grow in holiness and challenge each other to become better people and so when he was up there at the altar when Jared was up there and I could see down the line there was my husband and there was the line of his groomsmen and there was Jared it was not awkward it was awesome it was awesome because because of him I learned more about myself I learned more about and I became more the woman that God called me to be and I'm so grateful for that so this is where I'm gonna entrance can you be jarred in your dating relationships can you be jarred for those in your life if you are going to be dating right now so calling up the gentleman where are they come on down gentlemen y'all ready for this okay you guys have been texting in questions yes or yes yes that was confusing huh okay okay oh you got a coffee cup look at you I decided to you know look a little you know kind of cash yeah I mean it figures looking a talk-show it's like the Catholic view except for less annoying girl yeah that's actually nothing like the Catholic of you very good all right so we got some questions from you all and listen we cannot get through them all there's over 50 so um let's let's start I start here gentlemen once you jump in sorry is it bad to date an atheist what if they don't judge you for being Catholic it's not just for them to be Catholic I mean I have friends that dated people outside of being Catholic and because of their Catholic example there was a huge conversion in their life I wouldn't necessarily say it's a bad thing but you would have to gauge the fruitfulness that's gonna come from that you know what I mean like are you puttin yourself just this person even remotely open to that to potential life as as a Catholic are you willing to compromise raising kids with that type of background I mean is it there is a crossroads there gut-check when it comes to it so is it bad no but gut-check ask yourself well well what's the real mode is what's the fruit that's gonna come from this having it add to that not really I think the only thing would be yeah at some point though it's possible that I think there could be it could become an issue so like in the dating aspect but but the way that you said what dating is and what we're moving toward you know at some point I mean Oscar is kind of alluding to it that it the potential for disunity and a little bit divisive miss later on in life certainly could be there so that's well I will say this that you know Who am I to say like if God's gonna use you to bring them to him like I have seen those situations too but I will say being married I cannot imagine my husband not being on the same page with me when it comes to my faith because I lean on him in so many ways when it comes to our relationship like to not be able to tell my husband can you pray for me like oh my gosh I'm here now and he's back home praying for me I can't imagine if he wasn't praying for me or when I'm struggling and I'm having like those dry seasons for him to like be able to talk to me about my faith like it's one of the most no it is the most important thing in my life and I can't imagine not sharing in that with him so I would think you'd have to think really hard about what you would be giving up if they did not share in that faith with you and whether or not you can do that because I know I personally could not yeah I mean in tag-teaming mass with children that is not a one-player sport you mean like you know you need to and a potential village so yeah getting him or her on board is a clutch yes okay here's a quick easy one um can I bring my girlfriend to the seminary gentlemen no okay good serious occasion issues y'all right I like this one how do you know he's the one God sent for me to marry or love how can I tell or pick up the signs oh how do you know all right so my best man he gave he told this story of the one time he came home to the house and I had you know prepared to dinner or whatever and he had eaten from the dinner and he was gonna go back to grab seconds and he went into the kitchen and I threw something at him so bro don't you go get seconds the second was for Pam you know what I mean and he told her story and I don't remember it but he's like at that point in time I knew that they were gonna get married because he was all about sacrificing you know himself cuz he didn't even eat that meal you know what I mean so I think a big sign is once once you start noticing that he's no longer or she's no longer looking at you as an object that there is a big sacrificial component in that then there could be some indicators that that sacrifice is is being modeled by Christ a little bit you know or they're modeling Christ's sacrifice so I think that would be an indicator for me there were a couple of indicators for me with my wife she when we were dating she started to call me out on some of my sins and the way that I was maybe not living to to the as holy a life as I as I could and so you know and sometimes we kind of slip you know say oh yeah it's okay for me to watch that show or it's okay for me to do that that one thing you know but when she started calling me out on those things in my life I was like alright this is this is pretty awesome you know it's like cool you actually are wanting me to be a better person you're not just accepting me for who I am you are wanting to elevate me to something something more than I am and I remember the day that I I was convinced that this that she was she was the one I for me she goes she goes you know what's great about us and I said I don't know what's great about us you know and she goes you and I are equally yoked and I was like were you married you know I didn't do it at that time but when she said we were equally yoked you know that that meant so much to me because a lot of my relationships I was in a place where I was the I was the guy that that we that set the tone you know like oh we're gonna you're gonna set the moral tone you're gonna set the spiritual tone you're gonna do this and and and that was not the case in this relationship like it was it was our responsibility to set the tone it wasn't like I'm gonna go on your lead that's too much pressure for me I think with my husband how I kind of knew that something was different was that for the first time in my life I didn't want to manipulate the situation so often with guys I would try to become I thought they wanted me to be or I would try to change like certain things about me and take interest in what they liked but for with my husband I was like I'm just gonna be me and if that's what he like chooses then I don't have to pretend for the rest of my life and that was huge for me because I didn't want to be in a marriage where I had to feel like I had to pretend and I didn't want to trick him into marrying me I wanted him to know exactly what he was getting a good bet good the bad the wonderful all of it and I don't regret that for one minute just being like here's Who I am take it or leave it all right here's a biggie you ready this one even they put on here please answer so we're gonna we're gonna he's your request room how does God expect teenagers that are naturally sexually attracted to each other attracted to others not to masturbate or lustfully kiss and touch others I understand the thing about premarital sex but how is it so bad to masturbate or do other stuff in your relationships as long as it's out of love and not having sex how does one confess they they got a lot let's stop there okay oh well I know I keep reading how does one confess a sin like this if they aren't sorry for it and probably will do it again or I can't stop from doing it in the relationship okay amen for your honesty I just want to say that thank you for being honest and being real I I'm just gonna lead by saying that like I there's this thing that Catholics unfortunately have like made of thing and it's that like all our desires are like so dang evil and and they're not like our bodies were created in a very beautiful way to yes really genuinely longed for one another you know however that's not the only reason we were created you know I would venture to say that that action is not an action of love it's an action of use you know you're still just eventually trying to get from an individual a very climactic experience that is exclusive to the marital act of sex it's it's not it's not a dating thing of practice with each other's bodies because you want to express a quote-unquote like love I'm not saying that you're not looking for love but like when it involves bringing someone into a situation where your body is being manipulated to believe that it's doing something that it's actually really not I'm always big on like trying to stay away from the from the biological like cues that your body is giving you to tell you that hey it's time to step away I'm not saying it's not loving passionate kissing is gonna eventually lead you know to that road it normally always leads to that road but there's a way that you can express love kissing somebody without being all nasty and slobbery you know what I'm saying like some old Netflix nastiness sorry there's no other way of really communicating that yeah you know I I often I agree with you it's a it's an issue of use like is that love or is that use like are you using that person and are you like in a sense like using yourself to gain that pleasure that is not proper like there's a proper place for sex for a reason there's a proper place for that and and the church will tell us and JP choose theology of the body that you know there there are really four criteria for love like for sexual acts to be good and that is it needs to be free so it's freely done it's not something your Co Herson - it needs to be faithful it's something that happens between two people who are committed and faithful each other it needs to be fruitful which means to me open to life and it needs to be free faithful total free faithful total fruitful sorry total it needs to be the gift of your complete self and not just like holding back just parts of you because those actions are reflecting the love that's shared between the Trinity so for it to be true love like you have to be open to all of those things and outside of marriage that's not the proper place for it so if you're doing things are like revving you up for sex but don't end in sex it's like going to a buffet and like filling up your plate and getting all excited about your food and then sitting down and walking away from it all like that's anything that leads you to arousal which is what's going on there if you're being led to arousal like it's leading towards sex and that is saved and preserved for marriage so if this person can understand like sex is for marriage like well then you gotta understand that like the things leading up to it are also meant for marriage now what you can and what is healthy and normal to do in relationships is learning how to control your emotional desire your physical desires right so we talked about the passions they're neither good nor evil what matters is what we do with them so yeah you're gonna have those desires those aren't evil desires what matters is what are you gonna do with them how you gonna respond to them and you can still in your relationships have affectionate actions you can still show signs of affection without it turning into a sexual situation right and that's what you need to be looking for in your relationships is are you affectionately loving each other not are you trying to use each other for this high of an arousal when that's not the proper place for it we had cute like in our relationship like it's not like any of us you know Catholic speakers are like void of these temptations that were involved when we were dating once you know what I mean and even within our marriage like I still have to respect my wife enough to not sit there and lust over her you know what I mean but like when we were dating we would give ourselves like we would say 10:00 p.m. is our cutoff point right because after 10:00 p.m. like we're just tired and naturally like judgements are gonna be a little bit less you know clear um so we would give ourselves a 10 p.m. cutoff when we were dating or engaged to go home and if it went past 10 p.m. then we'd have a safe word you know like I'd be like guacamole she's like alright go and I don't know why guacamole but I'm just saying like I would kick her out you know what I mean yeah it's just holy guacamole yeah you know but it was always something we always kept the lines of communication like I wanted her to know that yes as as a male that I did desire her she was beautiful she is beautiful she is physically desirable but when we were dating there had to be a point where it's like no but the point of me really wanting to to engage in that what would be in marriage you know what I mean so we communicated a lot as well that's good alright should you date if you are discerning a religious vocation my answer that would be do one at a time discern one at a time or else you're just gonna confuse yourself and you might confuse that boy or girl and that's not very fair to them I've definitely seen times or it's like we broke up because he's going to the seminary it's like oh that's hard that's really hard so I would say discern one at a time don't try to do both at the same time because you're bringing somebody else into the equation when you do that yeah preach camera where's the camera focus because I am talking to that guy cuz I've had a lot of female friends that have come to me heartbroken because a dude knows he's being caught in fact has actively taken that seminarian like I won't go and then decides that that homeboy is gonna date before he goes into seminary don't make me punch you in the face don't do it if you know you have a vocation like bro like move on it ain't it ain't a last call alright so yeah definitely yeah yeah the guys are like yo bro yeah you messing up my game we're supposed to be doing the Sunday Sunday I'm gonna come up and be like yeah and I'm gonna scope all who's looking and happy in crime I would say that to put it very simply or simplistically I don't I want to but anyway I think it'd be almost like dating two people at the same time so it'd be like just like a guy dating two girls at the same time and going yeah let me see what's which one I like or vice versa so it yeah discernment is is should not like you said it should not be something that we do you discern one or the other at the same time or not you don't you do one of the other and not do it at that same time yeah very eloquently said all right what should you do if you know a guy straight-up lied to you dump boom okay next question I'm sorry I mean it's true he do it once you're gonna do it again if you let him go with it I lied one time and I got dumped and I was the last time I lied I and I'd offer a little bit I think if you know a guy's lying to you then call him out on it you know and just say look and I and expect them you see it's one thing lady is that that I I don't know if you all quite understand the influence and the power that you all have but you have an incredible opportunity to empower to influence us guys to be better than we are like we will dumb it down whenever we're hanging out with our brothers around town we will just dumb it down and the more that we get the more guys that get into group together exponentially the thinking just caves all right and even talk we just grunt yeah yeah I mean it's that's what we did in the men's session it was a lot of grunting so I'm kidding I'm kidding it was awesome the men's session was great so but but what I would say I totally lost between I thought on grunting but yeah I don't know where I was going I'm so sorry that's okay that's okay I got important this is this is not a question but you know it's important it just says please add Henry on snapchat okay so he is at slum B dog so that's just I thought that was important to share that okay next how do you know when to end a relationship how do you know when it's over huh I think you know when it's over is when first of all your feelings can help you to guide you know so it's no longer if you're just like no longer like you she's no longer feeling it and your desire to be with them is is gone then then it probably needs to end you know I've I've known a lot of people in relationships over the years that have stayed in relationships because it's comfortable not because it was good you know and I think a lot of times we feel like we need to be in a relationship and if we're not then then that's a part of us that is failing and and so it's it's okay you still have God Jesus Christ who will love you in you being alone it doesn't mean that you're lonely it just means that that's you're alone so don't be afraid to be alone to be single a lot of times we get afraid to be that I was dating this girl one time I remember she asked Cooper what is your type and I was like I don't know if we should and I literally said this I said I'm not sure if we should enter this conversation because I was not gonna describe her and that's when I realized that that relationship needed to be over is that good or bad I don't know I don't know I got mixed reviews like she looked like she was gonna cry but and she looked like she was gonna chop you in the throat okay I'm scrolling through oh what's yoking someone wants to know what's your game what's why being evenly yoked oh yo let me spell it for you first it's Y oke okay not Y o lk so we're not talking about like an egg okay a yolk is I'm sorry I'm gonna adult and that's new for me thank you so a yolk is if you can imagine to like oxen or something like that or is that is that redundant but anyway two oxen that would be used to like plow a field back in the old days what they would do is they would connect them to a yoke it would tie them together so that they could do the job that one job together they plow the field and so when one of them was weak and the other one wasn't pulling without you know as much strength and the other one could kind of make up for that difference and back and forth back and forth so I guess this is in response to what I said my wife said that we were equally yoked is that she was gonna be there by me we were gonna be connected and tied together spiritually in in this relationship and that that when I was struggling or whatever I was weak or I was spiritually dry she was gonna pull along and say hey I'm gonna be strength for you in this moment and vice versa that that we together would and and now that we're married that that that we're in this together it's not like I'm just walking along and not pulling like they were both pulling we're both you know trying to keep each other you know moving toward heaven and trying to keep our boys moving towards heaven and trying to be a great example of what it means to be a holy family so yeah that's what it means to be okay oak yoking yes okay last question is important one I think how do you get out of a bad relationship I mean there's ways that we took care of it but I'm not gonna recommend those it's gonna take a community first and foremost I think you guys need support if you know that there's a relationship that you need to get off get out of that I think you're gonna need the support you know support meaning that you know once that breakup is done that you can call your support to make sure that you're not being manipulated to stay in a relationship because a lot of relationships when they do end you know the result is either the the girl like she'll cry and say something that would make the guy think that you know something Bad's gonna happen or whatever the case may be and vice-versa the guy would you know try to be like sweet-talk his way back into the relationship I think you need to have a community I'm not saying gang up on the person but like have someone that you can call and say hey this is about to happen on this day number one can you pray for me number two can you stay available so that I can call you after the fact so that I don't end up in a situation you know that that's to me is like just like a small thing that I think you can do other than like just really uh know do that be in community and and I would say also just kind of reflecting upon something that I needed to do i'ma just so you know like I I will I'm a feeler kind of guy and so like I will I'll start getting to the emotion of a breakup and be like oh okay no we could keep working on it you know and and and so one of the relationships that I needed to get out of I just knew I needed to get out of it and I was nervous about it I did not want to have to go through this breakup I was afraid that I was gonna and I was in it was a manipulative relationship as well and so I knew I needed to get out but I knew I couldn't get manipulated during the moment that I was saying I'm ending this and so I needed to be resolved like I had to be convicted with everything I am and I just needed to go no matter what she says no matter what she tries to do no matter what she tries to say no matter how she's trying to say oh no let's say together let's just try it maybe we would just you know take a little bit know I had to be convicted I was like I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna cut it and it's gonna be gone and I'm I'm gonna end this now and so I just needed to I just knew I needed to be resolved in that and I needed to know in my mind before I even went to talk to her that and yes I did talk to her and I did not break up with her over texting because they didn't have phones back then like that but anyway but but again I just needed I needed to be resolved I needed to have made up my mind and knew it definitively before I even entered into that discussion last thing I would say is do not let fear control you whatever that fear is your you do not let fear control you that is not what the Lord wants for you he does not want you to live in fear God has a plan for you when it comes to dating relationships if you strive after him and you say Lord I want your will he's a good father he's not gonna look at you and be like that's hilarious I'm never gonna give it to you no no he wants you to find peace and joy and happiness in life he doesn't want you like to be perfect he's not promising your life is gonna be perfect and it's not gonna be without trials but he has a plan for your life and if you say Lord I'm gonna follow after you I'm gonna chase after whatever it is that you want for me you will be shocked and amazed at the story he can write for you do not stay in relationships out of fear don't try to manipulate things don't try to be somebody you're not God created you and he has a plan he's your father he loves you amen and then all right thank you so much for hanging out with us you

Channel: Steubenville Youth Conferences

Views: 8,410

Rating: 4.8660288 out of 5

Keywords: Catholic, Charismatic, Youth Conference, Youth, Conference, Evangelization, Steubenville Conferences, Steubenville

Id: AEPUKi6a6Pc

Length: 47min 36sec (2856 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 18 2019