Emotional Virtue for a Drama Free Life

your focus into this talk with sarah swanford today about emotional virtue and living a drama-free life before we get to started before we get into all this deep stuff i'm going to share some fun facts with thanksgiving coming up her favorite absolute favorite thanksgiving food is dressing with gravy she also could shop at tj maxx for the rest of her life if she could only pick one store and if she could have any superpower it would be by location if you like what you hear today make sure you stop by the benedictine booth in thematic village that is booth number 400 take a second to stop talk to her ask her any questions that you have because we might not have much time after this but anytime the rest of the weekend you can stop over there and ask her any questions talk to her whatever you want to do and now let's quiet our hearts and grace is going to lead us in prayer all right i'd like to begin the prayer before our session in the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit please raise your hands and blessings over our session leader sarah come o holy spirit teach us how to pray lord we are so thankful for the opportunity you've given us by bringing us here you have called us here for unique reasons and you have not brought us here by accident please allow these words to come from you and allow them to be a blessing and for your love and truth to us open your hearts to hear what your will is in our lives and follow wherever you lead us we ask this in the name of the father and the son of the holy spirit amen now it's my pleasure to welcome to the stage sarah stanford thank you [Applause] thank you oh hey hey how's it going good yes oh you are a beautiful looking group of people thank you for coming to hang out what's up kansas i see you i see you oh my gosh okay and then who else who is not from kansas so i have this thing called i i want to be a musician but i have no musical talent anybody else i'm all-time backup dancer anybody else okay so i'm up here with all this cool equipment that i can't do anything with but i just want i feel cool i feel cool because i'm with the band but i don't play anything so hey i'm excited to hang out with you guys for a little bit is that okay yeah i don't know what you think this talk's gonna be about um are you guys cool if we do like relationships like friends family dating all the good stuff yeah you guys down with that yeah okay good so i'm excited to get to know you i'd love to meet you but when i hang out with someone for a little bit it's like who are you what are you about like what's going on i i need to know a little bit about you oh it's okay you're so fine it's totally fine right there i'm short i ain't that short but that's still all right can we give it up for these amazing guys that are like doing everything behind the scene they do a lot and they're really good at it so but i just i kind of like to know about a little bit about someone so i can tell you everything about myself in like three slides okay here we go this is swath um the little oh there we go oh that's a very large picture of swag um this is my husband this is andy no one calls him andy everyone calls him swath um we live in atchison kansas and um [Applause] so we live across the street from benedictine college and he is a professor he teaches theology there um and the students call him doc suave or swap daddy or p diddy swath um my personal favorite is david hasselhoff i don't know if you know who that is um and he is a good-looking man i i love him he's uh definitely way cooler than i am i wish he was here he's holding the fort down um and i always say like i always show this picture and girls are like dang sir he's cute i'm like i'm aware i'm aware he's a good-looking man we've been married for 14 years and he is cute but not as cute as our kids so these are our kids i know this is kate and thomas and colby and fulton so those are my kids and then last fall i posted this picture i played college basketball um and i i realized that i had a team so this is john paul this is our new one so this is baby john paul he's edible you can like pop him in your mouth um he gets no attention we're really worried about him no i'm just kidding um he's just super cute right so this is my family and i always love to bring this picture with me because everyone sees this picture and they're like oh my gosh they're all your perfect family and i'm like lies all lies right have you guys ever had that family picture day right where it's like 40 degrees and you hate your life and your mom won't let you put a coat on because that's dorky right like this was that day i kid you not this poor college girl we took 200 pictures this is the only one where we were all looking at the camera just one yeah do you guys i was like guys look pull it together i'll give you a do you want ten dollars like i'll give you pizza ice cream like just pull it together right you want a pony i'll get you a pony let's go right and this is it like this is all we got and do you guys see baby colby up there that's a rock on his head a rock a boulder actually do you guys see it he just like picked up this huge rock out of the ditch and was like carrying it around like trying to take it from them negotiating with the two-year-olds like negotiating with a terrorist it's not gonna happen right like it's fine so we just left the rock it's my pet rockets and all my christmas cards it's fine but here's the deal like you look at this picture and there's always a story behind a picture right like you look at this and it's like there has to be more because my friends the reason why we're insecure is because we compare our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel amen like i just showed you the swafford family highlight reel we have like four good pictures this one's missing an entire child that's how i feel about family pictures right so i come to you to be real today and what i mean by that is this um i showed you the highlight reel so here's the behind the scenes okay so i basically went through my phone and just pulled out like a bunch of terrible pictures of us um this could go on for hours but i made it i just put it all together this is me no makeup at mcdonald's um this is a shot of my triple chin uh this is a still shot of my triple chin i just look constipated in this picture i really don't know what's going on this is fantastic that's family vacation uh kate for the win on this family picture absolutely uh we're just a mess like we're just really messy it's fine like not a big deal uh crutch christmas card worthy absolutely my shower cap is his favorite hat no big deal right lots of up the nose shots on my phone and this is colby hi um hello so colby doesn't understand he just kills people and then he dies it's fine and he does and this isn't me but i wish it was right like what we post and then what we send right i always say this is like instagram versus snapchat yeah right instagram well again cute right okay so i bring this to you because i'm i'm serious sometimes i feel that way right like the the highlight reel versus the behind the scenes like that i just bring to you the behind the scenes is real because i come to you today to tell you you guys i am proud of you i am so proud of your fight all right i mean that truly i went through junior high high school college got engaged got married had thomas and fulton before i sent a text message or knew what social media was okay okay i'm 36 not 86 all of you are like questions she looks so good for 55 right you all just had that moment i missed all of it by one year i graduated high school i graduated college and it came out the year after i graduated college i didn't have i didn't have a phone in high school and i was a hot mess and so i just come to you to say that i am so proud of you i don't know how you do it because it's real it like it is hard like i lay in bed at night like you you know like scrolling on my phone right 11 o'clock and i like put my phone on my nightstand and i'm like dang why do i feel kind of worthless right now like i'm hustling like i'm doing all the things i think i'm supposed to be doing to keep up right like but i don't know where sometimes i attack i don't know where it comes from right i mean i have to be honest with you i have a mad love for joanna gaines any jojo fans in the house okay mad love for joe gaines right like i love her she is so great right but i have to be really honest i had to unfollow her on instagram for a while because what i would do is i would like go to her stuff and be like so good right and then i put my phone down and i would look around my house and be like i think i should just burn it down and start over you know what i mean like i would just look around like what was i thinking right like i spent 20 on that poor choice right like but i i just started realizing that what i would do is i would leave her and it's not jojo's fault she's just being her beautiful self right like but i would leave it and i would look around and i would just feel ungrateful like it just wasn't enough like i wa for some reason i wasn't enough or it wasn't enough and it hit me one day real hard and i thought to myself if i feel this way about knickknacks in my house how do they feel about their lives and how do they feel about their self like themselves amen like do you guys know what i mean like i don't know how you do it and i am so proud of you i didn't play with the whole deck that you play with i didn't have it all and it was it was in high school was really hard for me and so i just come to you to say i'm proud of you and i'm fighting for you because there's a lot of pressure on you right now there's a lot of stress out there i don't know if you feel that sometimes but i think the two questions that we ask ourselves as human beings never out loud but like in our mind right the battlefield of the mind is am i enough and am i ever going to be truly loved like am i enough and am i ever going to be truly loved and it's hard right you guys have like the world's idea perfect just like you know i'm coming down on you all the time right ladies what do you have to be like size negative two like big doe eyes like flawless skin right like size negative you know size negative two and five nine and a half good luck right like i don't know like pinterest has like a million videos to help you out right i don't know what i would do without pinterest i couldn't cook but like there's like this really intense like this world's idea perfect for you women and you have to have like a group of girls follow you around in real life like trophy boyfriend on one arm all the girls want to be you all the guys want to be with you and everybody knows it but nobody talks about it right because it's like this world idea of perfect and you guys have it too the fellas out there right the men you guys have it too you i mean i always get this image of like a rapper and a white tux like with a gold grill and like shades and he's like standing on a car and there's like cash falling from the sky and there's like women crawling up his leg right like it's every great like dr pepper commercial i don't know right but what do you have to be like chiseled and charming right fellas like successful at everything you touch be an athlete or an artist or you know whatever a musician just don't fail and that that pressure is on you right you have to have that group of guys that follow you around and the trophy girlfriend on one arm and all the guys want to be you and all the girls want to be with you and everybody knows it but nobody talks about it because it's like this world's idea of perfect and it's exhausting and it's it's hard like you scroll on your phone and it's like celebrities and you know you're like you have 50 million dollars and we're all just very happy for you right go team right like but that's not how you see when you're scrolling on your phone like who do you see everybody's sitting around you right now you see everyone that walks the halls with you in school and it's so easy to not only tear yourself down but to tear others down as well right like the world's idea perfect and that pressure is real and so we have this like that all kind of spinning and then on the other side we have this thing called like men and women like created equal in dignity right humanity go team but we're different we're a little different right like we can miss each other sometimes sometimes it's a little hard to understand the opposite sex i don't know fellas out there men do are women a little like confusing complicated a little over emotional a little hard to understand sometimes i don't know yes no all the guys are like sarah there are some attractive women here we don't want to get punched right like what are you doing okay how about this ladies do men care these are like the two these are like the two stereotypes right like guys will come up to me and be like uh i don't understand i didn't even say anything and i was wrong right like guys just look at girls and it's like back away slowly just don't set it off right like feed it throw it food i don't know right and the girls come up to me all the time they're like there's no good guys anywhere none they don't care about me themselves hygiene i'm gonna die alone with 100 cats i'm prepared i have two what's 98 more fine it's fine fine right those are like two of the countless stereotypes that we have for each other right like girls care girls care so much they exhaust the men and the men don't care at all and like those are just stereotypes right but like it's hard is it sometimes hard to understand the opposite sex yeah like it is hard right so fellas this this talk i want to be honest with you guys i used to give like i'll give like a one like a women's talk you know and i like talk and then i would give like they'd ask me to give a men's talk and i'd talk to the men and then i would have the opposite sex bribe me to try to pay to be in the talk to hear what i said to the other opposite right like all the girls like what you say to the guys all the guys are like oh could you give us the transcript of what you said to the girls right like you want to know so i got really smart one time and i was like i'll just give the same talk and they both can sit there and listen and just see what i say to the yeah that's this talk you ready yeah so i want to hold the hand of the men and i want to hold the hand of the one the women and i'm going to have a conversation that you would rather eat your arm off than half okay but it's going to be good everyone repeat after me this is not going to be awkward just awesome good okay so all the fellows in the house ready i need you to like there might be times during this talk where i'm talking to the women i just need you to like sit back and be like take it all in because i might not be talking to you but i'm talking to you i don't wink well but man you following yeah you might learn something right yeah ladies there might be times where i'm talking to the men i just need you to bust out a glitter pin and take some notes okay because you might not be talking about talking to you yes so here's the deal i want to start this talk off by throwing a bone to the men my men in the house something important for you to know i have all brothers i married a linebacker i have my own fantasy football team and buffalo wild wings is my favorite restaurant so we together yes we are one okay so to the men out there i just want you to know i hear you and i'm with you and i'm here to fight with you and for you let's go but i want to like start by throwing you a bone and i'm going to take you on a little walk into the heart and mind of a woman okay all the girls are like she's going to do that in 40 minutes all the guys are like buckle up right okay so here's the deal men sit back see if you learn something from this ladies it's a typical friday night tell me if you can relate okay you got all your best girlfriends in the house it's chick flick movie marathon uh seven and a half hours of just escaping reality yes sweats no other option box of little debbies both boxes of little debbies we do not share yes and it is just like game on and you throw in the first movie and you're like so good why do we not do this every night like seriously tell me why right and you like turn on the you throw on the second one it's like bad boy goes ultra boy part two the musical a favorite right and it's like yes right and you all like the the credits roll and you all look at each other and you're like well my life is officially worthless let's do it again right like see they're on the third movie and it's like two in the morning and like the credits roll and like the blue screen comes up and you all just sit there very quietly no one moves and then finding one of your ladies like stands up you like throw off your hoodie footy and you pick up your remote control and you chuck it against the wall and you're like when's it gonna be my turn i am so sick and tired of waiting for mr wright mr perfect to come into my life i need a cute guy and a horse in the sunset right now right and you vent about him and him and him and this and that you fall asleep bitter and frustrated and completely out of oatmeal cream pies but you're like we got this right and it's like the weekend and you're like scrolling on your phone and it's like babies and engagements like i'm gonna burn my phone and then finally like monday comes around you're like okay i got this right and you're walking like the halls at school or like you know work or like here and you see a guy that you're like halfway attracted to right ladies and you're like hey and he's like hey and you're like i want you right so naturally ladies what do you do well naturally you start i love the anticipation high school slideshow people are you back there you want to help me out here this is good though this is good anticipation [Music] this front row this girl's like oh my gosh fellas fellas fellas bring it in bring it close ready awkward giggling means it's true okay did you hear it girls are like girls are like huh don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh right all the fellas are like i don't even have a definition i'm kind of creeped out right like here we go fellas mental stalking it's where they think about where you're gonna go on your first date and like where you're gonna propose and they do the christmas card tests where they take their first name and your last name and every baby name they've ever loved because you can't be too careful right it's real it's fine all the guys are like wow wow i've never done that before right and then you start social media stalking right you jump on and look at 1 000 pictures of him and his uncle bill on their fishing trip and you're like he was the cutest fifth grader i have ever seen right and then you see a picture with him with his arm around a girl and you're like oh that better be his sister right it's real right okay and then you start flirting and then you start texting in snapchat yeah oh my gosh did you hear how how deadly silent the whole room went did you guys hear it there's thousands of you it was like did you guys hear that though it was like show me how many of you've ever been misinterpreted in a text or a snap right like how many of you've ever been hurt by a text or snap how many of you wish that apple would figure out the cancel button on the text page your apple figure it out right like they just like drama right show me what do you guys think good for relationships bad for relationships texting snapchat show me what do you guys think i don't know ncyc where are you at with this i see a lot when i when i speak to the junior high students they're like best week of my life lady back away from my phone right like it's good stuff high schoolers are typically like i don't know college students are like let it die right how about we leave texting in snapchat with like it's charged right like there's something there because i put the i put this little bullet point up in the whole room went right like i don't know what it is about it but there's something there and then we go to calling and face timing and then we go to physically stalking it's like oh my that escalated quickly right okay wow so i call this the emoto coaster and the reason why i call it the emoto coaster is it's kind of like a roller coaster you all have had that amazing amusement park experience right where you're like waiting in line for four hours for this ride that's gonna epically change your life right and you're just waiting and you're waiting and you're watching everyone else ride and you're like i'm so happy for you move or lose it right like you're just like waiting and waiting and then you finally get up to the front of the line right you finally get on you like strap in like changing changing chain of the mountain and you're like yes and then you get to the top and it just throws you down right and your like stomach comes up and you have tears streaming down your face and if you're a female you have a permanent hole in the back of your head where your earring was like digging into your neck right like and it's just this wild ride and then it just comes to this grinding halt and you take one step off the ride and you throw up in front of everyone and you spend the rest of the day under the shady tree in the chat with the can that's provided for you every 10 feet right like wondering what was truly so epic about that right here's the deal sometimes relationships can kind of go down like that right the mental stalking do you guys mind throwing up my crazy slide the mental stalking social media stacking flirting texting snapchat calling facetime physically talking like this thing can move over five days it can move over five weeks it can move over five months five years is a long time right but you guys are all following like this this is real we just don't put it on slide talk about it right raise your hand how many of you have ever watched a friend ride the emoto coaster with someone anybody ever seen this before okay keep your hand up if you are that friend no judgment no i'm just kidding um i was giving it to hawk out of high school one time and this girl was sitting in the front row and like the two girls sitting next to her like started raising her hands i'm like no no don't do it right like we all know people who have you know rode the emoto coaster it's probably you right we've seen it before we just don't put it on the slide and talk about it one time i gave i was given this talk and uh these guys came up to me afterwards they're college guys and they were like yeah you're a motor coaster list we call that the standby list and i was like oh like what do you mean and they're like well you always have a couple girls on standby like three or four girls that you're just kind of like talking texting like hanging out with they're at different points like that i was like whoa you have a name for it and they were like yeah and i was like well do those other three or four girls know that those other three or four girls exist and they were just like no and then walked away right and i just looked at this and i was like whoa and then the girls came to me and the girls do it too right like the 11 o'clock at night like hey babe how's your day right like how many other people get that text right no one knows and that's the problem like we just don't talk about this stuff but it happens all the time and this is something that's very important to me you guys ready sarah swafford not a hater one more time sarah swofford not a hater everything on this list is going to be a part of your relationships in some way right like you like again i'm not a hater like that you're going to have someone walk by you in life and you're going to be like potential there's potential right there right like like i don't you guys my phone is right here like right like your phone's not going away my phone's not going away i would not physically be here with the maps app right like texting is amazing i'm outside hurry up right like i have 30 000 instagram followers i don't hate social media i think there's a place for it amen like there's it's a good thing this is all good stuff in some way but it can mess with you yes are there some potential traps are you guys all any visual learners in the house like i'm a straight up visual learner okay so i bring what i call the potential trap slide because i just like to see it all in one spot ready okay so this is the potential trap slide mental stalking it's a one-way relationship you're building the unknown expectations can be too high and it can be creepy social media stalking you're getting into someone's personal life and making assumptions wouldn't you rather let that person tell you about himself or herself flirting you may be seeking attention or filling an insecurity or sending mixed messages and it can come across as fake don't you want them to get to know the real you texting or snapchat it can be intimate misinterpreted you can rationalize things as no big deal and it can be addictive calling and facetiming you may stay up late and reveal a lot about yourself and calling and texting and snapchat and facetime can all be very private and then physically stalking not just like the puppy dog following someone around right but like you have to be around them you don't have any fun without them you do things just because they do you may change who you are to please them and start going to things just because they are there it's easy to wrap yourself up in something for the wrong reasons that last one is is hard for me to read you guys because that was just me in high school it was very easy to change to be like a chameleon right to like be able to morph and change with either the people i was with the person i was interested the person in the person i was with like it was just really easy to do that and i didn't even have the full deck like i said of things that messed with me and so i come to you to say this like you guys i watch i have been watching and i watch and i listen and i see all this pressure and all this doubt and all this fear and all this stress and i see the world's idea perfect i see it spin people onto the emoto coaster and then i see it take people and just spin them straight onto the what i call the cycle of use and this is a really hard slide you guys guys because we typically don't put this up on a on a slide and talk about it like we're created like humans we're not created to use each other right we're not wired that way yet people use each other all the time girls don't say things like ah you know i'm just using him for six months like i just operate better with a boyfriend it's fine like girls don't say things like that right like guys don't say things like yeah usually the other night was fine she wanted it right like people don't say i used him or i used her in any way right but that's how it happens a lot men will use women to get what they want and women will use men to get what they want fill in the blanks right unfortunately in our world a lot of times men will emotionally manipulate women get them where they're most vulnerable right to get what they want which is sex and women will use sex their sex appeal their bodies what they know they can offer what they can put out there to get what they want which is to feel loved or to feel wanted or to be totally honest to feel anything at all because they are so tired of feeling empty and alone and men use women emotionally and physically and women use men emotionally and physically it goes both ways it's just a cycle that spins but we don't talk about it and it's hard because every single person in this room knows what i'm talking about you have you either you or someone you love has experienced a cycle of use that is real and so i want you to take a minute just close your eyes for a minute just be serious for just one minute i just want you to close your eyes and i want you to think about a time in your life where you were used either emotionally or physically or maybe even both and you knew it or maybe think about a time in your life where you use someone else either emotionally or physically or maybe even both and you knew it or maybe it was a time in your life where you watched your best friend or your sibling or someone that you love be used either emotionally or physically or maybe even both and you knew it or maybe it was a time in your life where you watch someone that you love you someone else either emotionally or physically or maybe even both and you knew it okay you can open your eyes those are four of the heaviest questions that i could ask you or that you could ask me because there's not a single person in this room that hasn't felt the effects of the cycle of use in some way either yourself or someone that you love and i want to take just a quick minute and i i want to speak first to the men i want to speak to the guys in this room i stand before you as a woman and as a sister and i want you to hear me say that i'm sorry i am sorry for the times that you have been hurt by the women in your life for the times that you've been used and torn down and emasculated and told that you're not enough like i want you to hear me say that i'm sorry i don't know if those women will ever be able to come to you and say that but i want you to hear me say that i ask for your forgiveness because that pain is real and in a very special way i ask the men in this room i want you to hear me say that i'm sorry for the times you've been hurt by the men in your life starting with your own dad no one's dad is perfect and some dads are very far from it and so i come to the guys in this room and i ask you for forgiveness for the times that you've been hurt by the men and women in your life because that pain is real and i hear you and i hear your pain and i know that it's hard to talk about but i just want you to hear that i want you to know that somebody hears you and i'm sorry and to every single girl in this room i stand before you as your sister and i want you to hear me say that i'm sorry for the times that you've been hurt by the men in your life starting with your own dad the boyfriends the ex-boyfriends the guy friends whatever whoever has hurt you who's told you told you you're not enough ugly fat stupid worthless the times you've been used and abused and abandoned and hurt i want you to hear me say that i'm sorry for the times that you haven't been loved well by the men in your life and as your sister in christ i am sorry for the times that you've been hurt by the women in your life i was bullied so bad in seventh grade i had to switch schools so when i stand here and tell you i know how cruel women can be to each other i stand here and say it from a place of deep deep hurt and i want you to know that i'm sorry for the times that you've been hurt by the women and men in your life and not loved the way that you deserve to be loved this is like the most important part of my talk because i just i just have a lot in my heart and i carry a lot of people's stories and they're yours and it's okay you guys it's okay to not be okay amen it's okay to be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time and i stand before you as both and i ask you in this moment right now to be okay with not being okay and everything that we're talking about today is real and a lot of people will come to be like sarah it's fine like it's not a big deal like i haven't moved past it doesn't affect me i had a girl come up to me one time and she said she said sarah fine stands for freaked out insecure nervous and exhausted ain't nobody fine yes and i stand before you here in this fight with you because i want to call the cycle of use because it has power the awareness of the cycle of use is power and i want to fight back and i want to give you two sentences that i want you to put in your back pocket and i want you to pull them out and i want you to use them whenever you need them okay you may need them tonight you may need them in a week or a year i don't know when you're going to need it but i want you to pull these two sentences out and i want you to use them okay you ready repeat after me i will not use you and i will not let you use me they are two of the most powerful sentences that will ever come out of your mouth one more time i will not use you and i will not let you use me years ago i was on campus at benedictine with the kids strolling on like on a walk and this big old football player like six foot five this guy comes up to me and he's like mrs swafford can i talk to you for a minute and i was like yeah absolutely and so we're just like chatting and just like walking and then all of a sudden he turns to me and he's like i gotta tell you something and i was like yeah okay and he looked at me and he said i was at your talk a couple weeks ago and that very next weekend i found myself alone in a room with a girl and i was about to make a really poor life choice but i looked her in the eye and your stupid voice came in my head and i was like i can't use you and i can't let you use me he's like i said that out loud and then i just i left i like walked out the door i walked down the steps i walked across the quad i like walked into my i was going into my dorm but he's like before i got to my door i just stopped and i thought to myself i think for the first time in my life i know what it means to be a man and i was like oh my gosh right like i was like whoa right and i i looked at this guy and i was like oh you the man i was like you the man right like and i looked at him and and i just said to him i'm like look you gave her a gift that night that only you could give her like you handed her a gift you handed her her confidence and her self-worth and her dignity and that's a gift that only you could give her i could stand on a stage for two weeks and tell her she's beautiful and she's worth more and she's worth the weight and she's not just body parts abused i go on freaking days right and i wouldn't be able to do what you were able to do in two seconds like you're the man and he cried and i cried and i held a very large football player in my arms right and i i know this guy he's married three little kids like amazing little family and he will to this day tell you that that was the day that changed his life those two sentences everything made sense he said after that there is power in those two sentences and i want you to have them in your back pocket ready to use them whenever you need to all right one more time i will not use you and i will not let you use me we know what attacks us right we know what's coming at us but sometimes it's hard to know how to fight back right what do we do and so i i was in class one time at benedictine and my professor put these notes on the board he said virtue is striving for human excellence virtue is forming the habits of knowing and choosing the good and right thing to do virtue harnesses and trains your passions and emotions to work towards the good and virtue gives you the freedom to love i remember writing these notes in class and i was like i don't know what virtue is patience i think is one it's like locked in a vault with jane austen we should free it right like i don't know what this is but like this is what i want and i remember taking those notes but i still just felt like i don't even know like how to go about this right and then i ran into this quote love is not primarily a feeling though it can be accompanied by feeling heck yes that's the confusion of our time confusing love's feeling with love itself love actually is a great act of the will it's when i say i desire you're good not for my sake but for yours whoa baby you guys this is straight up truth right this is like this is the church this is saint thomas aquinas this is saint john paul the great this is fulton sheen all my homeboys right like this is straight up truth but this is also the complete opposite of what the world tells you love is i i for sure thought love was an emotion until i was at least 18 right what is it like you want it you crave it once you get it you hold on for dear life you wring it out you take everything you can and then when you don't feel anything you toss it to the side and pick someone else pick something else right like this really threw me right love is actually the great act of the will like what right like i desire you're good not for my sake but for yours like what like this really threw me because it's like gosh i can't even imagine like the love test to the world right what is the love test of the world well if you really love me then you'd prove it to me show me sleep with me like what are you willing to do for me what prove it do you really love me what if i took what if i told you if i stood here and told you that the love test is actually not are you what are you willing to do for me but what are you willing to sacrifice for me what if i stood on a stage and told you that love is what are you willing to sacrifice for me i stand before you 14 years married and i will not let your marriage fail today love is sacrifice it's beautiful it's worth it because here's the deal i know like people will put my picture on a poster i travel all over the country all over the world and they'll put my picture on a poster put it all over the high school and put sarah swafford chastity speaker and i'm like oh yeah they're going to love me right like like i know like i go into a high school and it's like oh here comes debbie downer here to tell me how to like live my life here to like wreck my fun right like i promise you my friends i am not a killjoy one good time right like i promise i am not here to ruin or wreck your life i am here because i refuse to let you believe the lies i believed and i refuse to let your marriage fail i'm here to fight for your heart like i i burn with this because i want you to know like people ask me all the time what's emotional virtue like what do you talk about like on a plane i'm like you don't have eight hours right like but here's if i could put it in like one sentence this is it emotional virtue to rise above your emotional or physical or sexual desire in the moment to rise above it to be able to put it aside and choose your beloved the true the good and the beautiful for them and for you my friends chastity is not the foe it's not the enemy it's not here to wreck your life it is the great protector of love it is the friend because i'm telling you if that person can rise above that and put it down and choose you in that moment what can't they do for you my friends it is the great protector and defender of love it's not what are you willing to do for me sometimes it's what are you willing to sacrifice for me amen ladies in this room can you imagine having a man come up to you a man come out to be like i love you i'm not here to use you i'm not here to take from you i want what's best for you we all gave up using like 10 minutes ago right like i want what's best for you i'm here to fight for you i want to protect you it's like hi my ring size is seven and a half let's go right like fellas in the room like men like my brother's right here can you imagine having a girl come up to you be like i don't want to play games with your heart like i'm not here to take from you i'm not just going to emotionally spend you i want what's best for you i want to protect your heart i want what's best for you hi all the men are like yeah i'm okay with that those are right right like i come to you saying i know this isn't easy this slide is not easy but it's truth and i want that for you do you guys ever feel this way like you know exactly what you're not supposed to do you know all the no's you're like yeah yeah yeah no no no that hurt me i don't want that but you have no idea what you're actually supposed to be doing right now like i felt that way all the time in high school like what am i supposed to be saying yes to like what am i supposed to be doing do you guys i don't know if you ever feel that way but i felt that way when i was in college a bunch of us girls got together one night and we went up to a bunch of us our guy friends and we were like what are you looking for like what do you want like what's the most attractive thing about a woman right like we asked them very bold they got into a man huddle have you guys all seen a man huddle like you know we're guys that like get together it's like rugby right and they they like put their arms on each other and they was like swaying right and grunting is very manly it was very masculine they got into this like man huddle for like 10 minutes and we're like this is so good they're actually talking about this right and they went over in this man huddle and they were just like chatting and all these girls were like okay great like what color do we need to dye our hair and how much weight do we need to lose like we're like let's go right and they broke huddle and they come over to us and they're like we got it we got it we got it most attractive thing about a woman and we were like yeah like give it to us what is it and they looked at us and they said holiness and confidence and we were like i'm sorry come again and they said holiness and confidence and they said even guys that aren't into their faith who don't care would say they want they want a girl who knows who she is and does the right thing and we were like dang that is deep thank you right and it was the most awkward exit of a building of all time we just left right we were like wow so good thank you yeah right and we just left right so like we got back to my apartment and when my girlfriend's like throws her coat down she's like why'd we even ask we asked i don't even know what that means like oh yeah go be holding confident watch me frolic here i go right like i got nothing and i remember we went back to the guys and we were like hey we're gonna need some like practical tips and tools on how to like execute this because we have no idea what you're talking about right and so we went back to the men and they busted out a napkin and they started writing out they called her the simply irresistible uh the simply irresistible virtuous woman they started like writing down these like traits and characteristics of her and we're like this is good keep doing that right like that was so good and then us girls went back and we made the simply irresistible virtuous man list um and then we presented them to each other and it was one of the most fantastic conversations of all of my college life and um it was so funny because like men and women created equal in dignity go team but like we're a little different you know complementary right and so like it was so funny the guy showed up with theirs on a napkin and us girls had ours in excel color coded it's fine right like and it was this phenomenal conversation and from that night i started asking other people like i'd ask like my grandparents and like just all kinds of different people like what do you think should be on the list and i just kept asking the women and we just started compiling it and i i actually i'm going to share them with you i brought them with me today because it just really helped me to like see and again this isn't even all of them this isn't everything this is just what they had brought to me and what the girls had brought for the guys and what the guys that brought the girls it just helped me to see it and so this is ladies first this is what the men wrote for the women the simply irresistible virtuous woman she's gentle and kind graceful and sincere patient and flexible doesn't gossip isn't rude tries to eliminate drama not created poised and modest open to the needs of others nurturing and welcoming joyful and fun she stands up for what is right and seeks the truth she has courage and is not afraid to confront and help someone she's genuinely excited for another not jealous or vain she speaks with conviction she's responsible prudent humble and honest she's secure she's sensitive to the needs of others her relationship with god comes first in her life she puts others first before herself she strives for excellence in all things and chastity and sobriety and tries her hardest in academics or a career she's not led solely by her emotions and passions she maintains balance and order in her life she lives a life of charity and service she's forgiving trustworthy loyal and pure all the ladies in the house i need you to take a deep breath in let it out right okay ladies repeat after me striving striving not perfect because perfect doesn't exist striving deep breath in let it out right fellas i just had to lead the women through intensive breathing treatments because i just stressed everybody out right okay because women we don't look at this list and go like oh my gosh yeah i want to be here we look at this list and we're like oh great i'm not that i'm not that i'm not that i messed up at lunch i'm not that i'm not that i just need a nap right and a box of oreos why you're at it right ladies ladies ladies here might hear me ready striving not perfect yeah i want this to become a motto for you right because it's not about the hustle guys tell me all the time they're like sarah this is crazy about that list it's not that she is all these things like like what is attractive about her is her act of striving for it like her striving for it is what's attractive ladies points are trying here we go ready like i just what i was having you exhale and inhale and exhale was like all the pressure that you feel to be perfect we're gonna put it on the ground right i just want you to take it and just walk away because it's exhausting amen there's only one woman that walked the face of the earth who was perfect she is our lady st joseph won the lucky ticket sorry fellas you're left with the rest of us there are a bunch of train wrecks okay here we go striving right but i come to i come to you ladies because i know i know this is hard fellas in the house is this woman attractive okay i got three guys we'll pass your number out later all right good good good kidding totally kidding fellas in the house this is a better question if you're called to marriage do you hope that your wife maybe like knows about the list or has like some of these qualities like would that be good for your life yes okay good good good okay so one more time how about this fella is this woman attractive yes okay good good just making sure thank you so good um i like to ask this question one time i was giving this talk i was like at a confirmation retreat like you know a couple hundred people and this i said like is this woman attractive and this guy in like the very back row this high school guy and the very back girl yells out i'd marry her i'd never date her and i was like i'm sorry what and he's like i'd marry her i'd never date her i was like you do know how this process works right like and i just i was like well i was like what is he mean so like i was like come on come up here come up here i was like i gotta talk to you and so i pulled him on stage with me and he was like standing next to me and i was like what do you mean by that it was like crickets right like he just stood there and i was like is it because she won't sleep with you and like the whole front row of guys go what right like and i just looked at this guy and i was like look look look like i get it like i get it you know i know i know like guys come up to me girls come to all time they're like sarah like love you love your talk like but sarah like this is high school this is college i'm making hashtag memories right now and i just need you to simmer you know what i mean like i'm gonna be that husband that father i'm gonna be that guy that i'm gonna be that wife that mother someday but like i just need you to i she's just simmer right and i look at this guy and i'm like look like i know that you want her you want to marry her someday right like i get that right but i'm like i'm i just tell this guy i'm like look there's no altar switch he's like what what do you mean by that i'm like there's no ultra switch on the day that you get married or whatever you're called to whatever vocation you're called to you don't stand on an altar and say i do and walk around the back and flip this little light switch and instantly become the man or the woman that you've always wanted to be it's not back there the greatest lie that you can believe right now my friends is that what you do right now doesn't matter it's the greatest lie that you'll believe ever in your life because i come to you to say every decision that you're making right now is taking you closer or farther from the person you want to be on that altar someday and every single adult in this room if you ask them did it matter what you did in high school and college just watch their reaction okay everything you do is taking you closer or farther from the person you want to be that day game day isn't that day in the altar game day is today in your blue chair amen this is where the decisions of your life you are being formed and you are forming yourself this stuff matters i know it's hard nothing that i say in this talk is easy but it's worth it and that's why i come to you to say right now like i know striving i know it's hard i know it's hard to not i mean like marriage seems like 85 years away like i know all of that right but you have to begin with the end in mind yeah does that make sense ladies in the house do you want to see the simply irresistible virtuous man are you ready for that yeah the girls are always like let's put up the slide the guys are always like or not like is this going to be painful right fellas i'm in this with you okay this is what the women said for the men this is what the ladies wrote for the simply irresistible virtuous man okay here we go we're in this together fellas leader provider protector initiator chivalrous brave and courageous gentle and respectful intuitive and patient joyful and fun he stands up for what is right and seeks the truth he has courage and is not afraid to confront and help someone he's genuinely excited for another not jealous or vain he speaks with conviction he's responsible prudent humble and honest he's secure he's sensitive to the needs of others his relationship with god comes first in his life he puts others first before himself he strives for excellence in all things in chastity and sobriety and tries his hardest in academics or his career he's not led solely by his emotions and passions he maintains balance and order in his life he lives a life of charity and service he's forgiving trustworthy loyal and pure all the fellows in the house repeat after me striving striving not perfect because perfect doesn't exist striving all the girls are like dang it's attractive them just saying it stop right i was giving a talk in australia one time and i was a thousand two thousand all guys catholic high school um and the guys were saying striving and i pulled out my phone to videotape it for the american women you're welcome um here's the deal i come to you men and i know that this is very hard like i know this isn't easy right but striving it's good for the women to hear you say striving because ladies they just found out about the list about two seconds ago we have to give them a chance yeah i love this part of the talk because all the guys try to secretly pull out their phone and take a picture i'm like no pull your phone out just take a picture right like so i want you to have this right like because i know this isn't easy i had a guy come up to me one time i was up north like dakotas and he was north dakota and this guy came up to me like felt buckle i was in the middle of a gym at a high school and he came up to me and he's like oh ma'am can i get a copy of that their list of yours and i go yeah and i was like uh he's like okay ma'am thank you um i just didn't know what a couple of the words meant ma'am and i was like oh i was like you mean like chivalry and he's like yeah ma'am that was one of them i was like okay good good i was like he goes is that like opening doors for women ma'am and i was like yeah i was like yeah it's like kind of like that but it's it's not about the door and he's like it's not about the door ma'am i'm like it's not about the door and he's like well what's it about ma'am if it's not about the door and i said well chivalry and like as we're talking like ten guys circle around me in the middle of this right and they're all like leaning and they're like well if it's not about the door then what it's what's it about right like so i had all these guys like in the middle of this gym and we're always there i'm like guys bring it in bring it in chivalry 101 i can do this in 10 seconds let's go ready i looked at these guys and i said it's not about the door ready beautiful woman beautiful door any woman any door you look at this woman and you think to yourself she's going to walk through this door in like 10 seconds it has nothing to do with the door it has everything to do with anticipating her needs the guy looked at me he's like it's not about the door i'm like it's not about the door right look at me what is romance what is any of it it's putting someone else before yourself amen it's thinking of another person can women open their own door yes but can guys look out for them and say like i'm just gonna i'm gonna help you out i want to help you out it doesn't have to be doors it doesn't have to be trays at the cafeteria what can it can be anything can the women look out for the men right can the women serve the men can the men serve the women can we do this together yes did you guys see how the list the middle one and the one on the right they're the exact same list did you guys see that we share humanity and the other list like the one that was just what the women said for the men and the men said for the women right like i'm not a sexist i'm not a feminist i'm none of that like like i'm a leader right like we can do this ladies those are all interchangeable men like it works i just come to you to say i was focused on a whole different list in high school right i i wasn't even thinking this stuff but i'm going to be very honest with you and this is hard ready every person that you date or maybe dating right now that relationship is going to end in two ways you are either going to get married or you're going to break up that is a tough truth breakups are some of the messiest hardest things that people will ever go through unless we change the way we date amen the other truth is that if you're dating someone right now or you enter a relationship and you can't see yourself marrying that person you're a dating heartache that's what you're dating and i come to you just to say like there could be another list of what we want to see in our spouses my husband and i always say when you have if you have any problems before marriage they don't go away when you get married they're magnified and if something were to happen to you 10 years into marriage and you were to die would you be okay with your spouse raising your kids the way you want them to be raised when i say begin with the end of mind this is what i'm talking about right when i say pull it forward and see like your life on that altar that day like what when i say what you do now matters amen this is what i'm talking about because it's hard i know you're sitting there it's like it's hard right and then the guys come to me after this talk and they're like sarah can we talk to you for a minute i'm like yeah i guess i should ask these women first ladies is this man attractive like i always i love this part right because the girls are like oh my gosh yes right like still fanning themselves right okay so i always ask the girl like the guys come back up to me afterwards right like a lot of guys in this room like and they'll be like sarah can we ask you a couple quick questions i'm like yeah yeah absolutely they're like over there i'm like yeah over here in the dark corner yeah let's all go right because guys like you know like come over and they're like oh two quick questions for you i'm like yeah yeah first question um are you sure this is what the girls want right and i was like yeah ten years of the list right like yeah and they look at me and they're like okay second question real quick um are you sure this is what the girls want right and these guys look at me with like pain in their eyes and they say well then why do girls throw themselves half naked at the complete opposite if this is what they want dark corner got darker right and i look at those guys and i'm like look i know and that's a four-hour answer and i don't pretend for a minute to have all the answers but i could boil that down to one word and that one word is woundedness it's brokenness it's because we're broken it's because we've been hurt and we haven't been loved the way we deserve to be loved and it takes us down some pretty dark alleys and i looked at those men and i look at them when they come to me with that and i say you have a choice you can kick us when we're down or you can elevate us and lift us up it's just true it's just hard and that's my story that's my testimony like i'll share it with you i share my heart with you today because it's messy when i was a freshman in college i was cheated on my boyfriend of two years i didn't think that my confidence could go any lower than it did and as someone who was bullied in junior high the wounds i carried from that were rejection and dismissal so you can imagine what that was like to play that through high school and then to have that happen as a freshman in college it was a very very dark time in my life it was a very low part in my life and i used to not share it in my story in my testimony but i do now because i think that it's fair for everyone in this room to understand and to hear that like you're not alone it was a very dark time in my life and i i was very far from god and i had a friend i had a lot of choices right did i want to retaliate did i want revenge do i want to do what he did to me did i want to just throw it away what do i want to do right you might be sitting in that spot right now trying to decide which path you want to take here that's where i was and i had a friend sign me up for a retreat and throw me in her car and took me on a retreat so when people just sign you for retreats just go right she threw me in her car and she's like come with me this weekend and i was like fine and i went on this retreat and they had adoration and confession on saturday night i hadn't been in years i was very far from god and i remember getting in the line for confession i got in the line i got out of the line i got to the door three times before i actually went in and i remember going in there and i remember thinking to myself i've tried everything else i guess i'll try this and i looked at this priest this sweet priest he had only been a priest for like a year and i probably i just i remember looking at him and i remember just kind of thinking like i'm gonna just i'm just gonna give this i gotta give it to somebody i can't carry this anymore and this priest on this retreat gave me the best dating advice the best life advice i have ever received so when people tell you priests don't know what's up just gently drop kick good i laid my heart out to this priest and he looked at me i everything this talk and more you guys like i just i gave it to him and he looked at me he said sarah this is what i want you to do he said i want you to build a box and i want you to put everything in that box everything you're struggling with everything you're hurting from all your mistakes all your fears put it in the box i want you to drop it off at the feet of our lord right now in this confessional i want you to drop it off and i want you to give it to him i want you to give it to someone who can actually do something about it and then i want you to fall into his arms and i want you to let the lord love you like no human man can because sarah you keep going around to all these different people especially all these different guys and you're trying to make them your god you're trying to make them your savior and he looked at me he said sarah you can't do that you will crush him under the weight of that he cannot be that for you and you will always end up disappointed and he looked at me he said sarah you don't need them to be your savior because you already have one so let god be god and let men be men and that night you guys like bricks just fell off my shoulders because he was right he was so spot on and he looked at me he said i want you to fall into his arms and i want you to let him heal you and make you whole and then i want you to stand up and i want you to run with him don't look in any other direction just run with the lord and when the time's right glance the side see who's running with you and maybe that's who you're supposed to be with i was like how many truth bombs are you going to drop in this confessional tonight right but i'm telling you like that was it for me you guys like i look i just looked at him and i was like wow and that's what i did i started running i started going to mass every sunday i started going to confession once a month i started to try to figure out what was toxic in my life like what i was listening to what i believed what i was hearing what i was watching like what was messing with me and i just started running and i glanced out the side of my eye at one point and i'm sure you're thinking oh yeah swap was like blinking neon green awesome right like i would like that would be so much easier right but i remember glancing out the side of my hell of them i like out of the side of my eye and i remember seeing a it was like a group of women like catholic beautiful christian women and i was like anybody else right not girls no i didn't trust them as far as i could throw them right and i remember looking at these women and that was where my healing began you guys those women looked at me and they were like we're here for you this is hard we have lots of cookie dough come right like and that's where my healing began was with these women i had to learn to trust again i had to learn to rely on people to be real with people again i couldn't do it by myself anymore in my penance that night in that confessional the priest asked me for my penance i was he told me to go out into adoration and to sit before the lord and to ask the lord who you are and i sat out there and i remember saying who am i like who am i i just i said it over and over again and all i could hear back was you are mine you are mine tonight you're going to sit with our lord and i want you to ask him who you are and i want you to go into that confessional tonight and i want you to drop everything off in that box now i want you to sit there and i want you to ask him who you are for the rest of my life you guys till the day i die all i want whether it's my husband my kids my friends my friends who are you all i want to do is to clear everything out of the way just clear everything out of the way so that you can sit in the sacred heart of jesus and let god the father convict you of your identity as a beloved son or daughter of god that is the whole ball game your identity is rooted in the fact that you are a beloved son or daughter god but it's hard to hear we dodge right we don't feel worthy to sit in that gaze i know i've been there that might be where you are but i in this night in this time i want you to sit there and maybe for the first time to realize like i did that night that i was being pursued with reckless abandoned by our lord i wanted nothing more than to be pursued by somebody to be seen by somebody to be loved by somebody to be known by somebody and i spent all that energy you guys and i found it that night sitting in adoration but i had to drop a lot of stuff off to be able to sit there and i come to you tonight and i ask you to build that box and i ask you to sit there maybe for the first time and let the lord convict you of who you are you guys if i could sit one on one with you i would sit in that hallway right in front of jay and i would go one on one all night long probably for a couple days and i would just go one on one with you and try to convict you of your worth and your identity but i can't do it only he can do it i can i just this whole talk is clearing everything out of the way so that you can hear it so that you know that you're loved and maybe for the first time feel it and hear it and see it and believe it to give him a chance because we forget who we are like i put these slides together because we forget who we are you're the beloved son or daughter so love that god the father created you out of love completely unique and unrepeatable so love that god the father gave his only begotten son to suffer and die on a cross to save you from sin and death so love that god the father raised christ from the dead so that you might have eternal life with him forever and so love that god the father promised never to abandon you and prove it by sending the holy spirit to always be with you for you are never alone i call it the gospel in four slides i don't do a talk without them anymore because they're so important to me no relationship will ever make sense without building it upon the relationship of the one the one foundation of our relationship with him my husband sent me sat me down after he got engaged and gave me the greatest gift he looked at me and he said sarah i love you but i'm going to fail you because i am not perfect and i cannot be your everything but i will always point you to the one who is your everything i will always point you to him and i want to run to him i want to run to heaven and take as many people as we can with us but i don't want to run at each other i want to run to him and it was the greatest gift he could have ever given me because it made me sit back and look at these four slides because i want you to sit with this maybe for the first time and i also want you to sit with this quote we are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures we are the sum of the father's love for us i know when you look into me or you hear things like like you're fat you're ugly you're worthless you're stupid you're slow you're not seeing you're not heard you're not known you're not loved when you hear that when you hear those thoughts in your head again it's always up here right i want you to take those thoughts and i want you to put them in your hand and i want you to look at them and i want you to ask yourself i call it being the boss of your thoughts in my book i want you to look at it i want you to ask yourself does this sound like my loving heavenly father who created me unique and unrepeatable who is pursuing with abandon does this sound like him if it doesn't sound like him or sarah swofford i want you to take the thought and throw it against the wall yeah because it's a lie it is a lie from the devil so you take that lie you throw it against the wall and you replace it with a truth i have to do it in my own life i told you i struggle with anxiety right it's called being the being the boss of your thoughts the mind is a battlefield amen like i want you to hear truth and here's the deal we can't do this alone this is one of my favorite slides surrender and strive we need each other it's not just striving it's not just like i'm gonna be a good little girl scout for jesus and get a boyfriend right like that's not this that's not this talk right this talk is about striving for goodness and faithfulness and holiness and truth and love and service striving for all of that but it comes from a deep place of surrender it's saying lord i can't do this anymore i give you my life i give you my open hands because you can't put new beauty into clinch fists i give you my open hands and we can't do it we can't do it alone ladies is it hard to be a woman it's not just me in kansas okay good good ladies in the house i'm we're gonna take the pledge okay ready all the women in the house raise your right hand repeat after me i promise you sarah from this day forward i will not make life harder on another woman amen now look at the women around you and say i mean i mean i mean i mean i mean i love you you're beautiful your hair looks amazing good fellas in the house is it hard to be a guy usually the guys are like new right how about this fellas is it hard to be the simply irresistible virtuous man yeah right like that's hard fellas in the house raise your right hand i promise you sarah from from this day forward i will not make life harder on another guy amen now look at the men around you men and say i mean it i mean i mean i mean i mean it you're amazing your hair also rocks let's go right everybody hall jay let's go raise your hand right hand in the air i promise you sarah from this day forward i will not make life harder on the opposite sex amen now look at the opposite sex around you and be like i mean i mean i mean i mean i love you you're amazing let's go right here's the deal here's the deal ladies in the house i need you to find a squad a tribe a crew i don't care what you call it get a hashtag and a t-shirt but i need you to run together yes every did you notice how i didn't say click every single person in this room raise your hand if you know what it feels like to be left out alone right do you feel abandoned like you know that feeling ladies it's about the power of the invite i need you to invite women in i need you to run together fellas in the house not going to get emotional i need your help the men in this room the guys in this room you guys i need your help i can't do this alone and the women can't do this alone we need we need you here's the deal when i go to speak at events especially when i go to youth groups it's like 75 girls and 10 guys and the girls look at me and they're like the guys don't come they're not here they don't care and i look at they're like sarah who are we going to marry like if we're called to marriage there's 75 of us there's 10 of them right like what are we going to do and they look at me and they're like where are they going to come from we want we want your talk who are we going to marry right lines of women and i look at them and i say ncyc 2019 that's where the men are coming from yes right i look at those guys and i'm like i'm like look i need you these 10 guys like i need you to go find your 10 new best friends and bring them back right like the men in this room you have to hear me say this i am so proud of you it is not easy to be you and i understand that but i need your help guys come to me all the time like i don't need people it's fine they're like the lone wolf i'm like the pack is going to eat you yo right like you the guys like you guys need each other men in this room like i need you to find good guy friends i know that's really hard right for the men and the women three things that make a phenomenal friendship are you ready availability vulnerability and accountability shoot me now we hate them all right availability vulnerability availability like i'm here for you the greatest gift you could give someone right now is to turn your phone off to put it down and to be like i'm here for you for as long as this takes vulnerability hey i'm i'm struggling vulnerability it's not like oh are you struggling it's like what are you struggling with today this hour is 15 minutes right like like we're like we're all struggling be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle amen it might not be your battle but it's a hard battle to be vulnerable with each other and then to be accountable you guys this is where the ball game is played okay if you want to watch your friendships ladies men like if you want to watch your friendships grow it's accountability can you imagine being available to someone being vulnerable what you're struggling with and then to ask them to hold you accountable to be there for me because i'm struggling with this hold me accountable what the greatest story i have for this was years ago i love this story i had a knock on my door and uh the six senior guys college guys at benedictine they're outside my door they knocked my door swapped and i were just finishing up dinner and putting the kids to bed and they were like hey can we talk to you guys and we were like yeah and they came into my living room and they sat down and i could tell it was as heavy and these guys looked at me they were like sarah we were at your talk at the beginning of the school year like six months ago and we heard you and that night the six of us were all friends but we went back to our apartment complex and we sat in the lobby and we talked till two in the morning and we we got very real the six guys said that they like we shared what we were struggling with each one of those guys were struggling with some type of sexual sin like pornography masturbation sleep with a girlfriend sleeping around like they admitted it to each other they shared that with one another and they decided that night that they would start a text chain between the six of them and each of those guys if any one of those guys fell they would put out a text message to the other five guys and from that moment on for 24 hours nobody would eat they would fast for each other and they would pray for each other and those guys in that room couldn't get through it without without getting emotional because of how much they had grown together as friends as men and the freedom that they felt from being able to overcome some of that stuff and i ask you who do you think were the best men in the groomsmen in their weddings and i asked you what do you think those brides thought of those other five guys and that one priest what do you think they thought of them what do you think that was for them when they looked at that like that's the friendship i want for you that's the freedom and the peace and the joy that i want for you do you think those guys are still friends today do you think their families vacation together do you think that those are the men that they go to in hard times because there will be more amen like do you i want that for you like i burn with that for you i'm so tired of picking up and sweeping up broken pieces of people to not have anywhere to send them to give them i want to give them back to their friends amen and it starts in hall jay i need your help ladies i need you to come together men fellas in this room i need you to run i need a couple guys to stand up and be like her talk's legit let's run and then like five other guys will be like i'm man i just didn't say it first right like i just need the men to run together and then i need these girls and these guys i need you guys to run together as men and women i need you to look across after this talk to see see the opposite sex differently ladies i want you to look across to the men and be like i won't like i don't understand their battle i never will but i respect it and i don't want to be an obstacle to them i want to help them i'm to help me i want to be there for them i want to be there for them fellas i want you to look across the women and be like i will never understand their battle but i respect it and i don't want to hurt them i want to protect them i want to be there for them i want to be the men they need like i want this talk to change your friend group i'm not going to lie like that's what i want i want you to see each other differently and i want your marriages to be different and this is i know this is hard but this is truth and i want you to be able to walk out of this talk and not have it just be a talk that dies in your heart when you hit that white door but i want it to be a conversation that just keeps going among your friend group and i hope you pray i hope and pray that you tell the person that you wish was sitting next to you about this because everybody has someone in their life that they wish could be here right now because i need you to invite them into that group and i need you guys to run because the question is covaris this is my rally cry a lot of you are like maybe you've heard this maybe you haven't but i'll end with this when we were in rome we took 50 college students benedictine's sister school is in florence italy and they send a different professor every month every semester to be there and so my husband and my kids and i we went with 50 college students to florence and we did a pilgrimage to rome and this priest that was leading it took us on the outskirts of rome to this little church called the church of corvadis and we walk into this little church and the priest was like this is the church of covadis and we were like we have no idea what that means right and we walked into this church and he told us the story of the church of covaris saint peter was sent to rome when all the apostles were sent out saint peter won the lucky ticket of rome my friend's rome was a dumpster fire uh we think america's bad sometimes just do some history right like they would light christians on fire nero would put them they would light them on fire and put them on poles and light the streets at night just to intimidate christians they would feed them to the lions in the coliseum roman women who didn't want their babies would just take them out to the city wall and throw them over the wall and christian women would hide on the other side and try to catch them before they hit the ground that was rome and saint peter was sent to be in rome and he got there and he's like you people are crazy like i am done like peace i'm out i don't know if you ever feel that way in your life i know i do right but he just like left he put his little backpack on he's like i'm out and he left town and as he was walking out of town this is why the church is on the outskirts of rome he was walking out of town and he looked up and coming towards him was the risen lord jesus was walking towards him and saint peter looked at our lord and said cuovardis which in latin means where are you going and our lord looked at saint peter and he said i'm going back to rome to be crucified again and he turned and walked past him and that was the moment where the question was turned on saint peter he was standing there and that question was asked to him cuovardis st peter where are you going and he turned around and he went back to rome and he fought the good fight and it wasn't easy and it wasn't comfortable and it wasn't popular but he fought the good fight and he established the church and i'm so glad he did and he died a martyr he was he requested to be crucified upside down because he didn't feel worthy to be killed in the manner of our lord and he died singing the praises of the lord convicted spent living his life for the gospel for the lord right i have a feeling at some point in rome the words came back to him maybe it was on the road right it was his words in john 6 to where shall we go lord you have the words of everlasting life when i was standing in that church that priest went around to all of us all 50 of us eye to eye and he looked at us and said cool bodies and something in my heart was lit on fire and i stand before you right now my friends and i ask you where are you going it's not what do i do in this situation it's not who am i here it's who am i and where am i going it's kovaris when you answer that question you answer 100 other questions and i need you to turn around and go back to rome and fight with me i need your help i want so desperately for you to be able to take this life we know this right we have one life to live we're all gonna die and i'm going down fighting amen and i need your help because people are hurting and people need us to rise up and be there for them but it's going to be you have to go to each other and you have to say speak truth to my heart it gets dark and that's why i i want you to take this and be together and to fight this together because we can't do it alone but i stand before you and i fight for you and i love you and i'm proud of you and i want you to sit tonight with that box and i want you to sit tonight and ask who you are and i want you to sit tonight and i want you to ask the question of courvares because everything depends on it let's pray in the name of the father and of the son of the holy spirit amen heavenly father i thank you for every single person in this room and i believe in the power of the holy spirit and i ask you in this moment to put your hand on the heart of every single person in this room jesus i ask you to put a hand on the heart where it hurts every single person in this room aches i ask you to heal the places that have been used broken abandon the places in this room that are in pain i ask you to put your hand on the fear and the doubt and in a very special way lord i ask maybe for the first time that you clear everything out of the way so that they can sit in your sacred heart and be convicted of their identity and worth as beloved sons and daughters not perfect but coming to you maybe for the first time to hear that they are loved and that you have created them unique and unrepeatable and that you love them and that you are fighting for them and lord god i ask that you raise up friends for the women in this room that they can run together and invite people in i ask that you raise up friends for the men in this room lord god help me help me to get through to them how important it is that they need other good men to run with them in their lives brothers and then lord i ask that you take those women and those men and you help them to run together towards you we put all of our hope and trust all of our desires you hold the answers to it all and we ask you to help us to trust you bring us and draw us closer to you because you have the answers you have the words of everlasting life you are the way the true and the life and you have the peace and the joy that the world cannot give and we bring you our open hands not our clinch fists lord we surrender we give you our lives and we give you all the glory as we pray together all glory be to the father and to the son and to the holy spirit as it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end amen saint joseph in the name of the father and the son of the holy spirit amen i'm going to be over in booth 400. um if i could give you um dinner if we could go to dinner go to coffee i would do it and then i would just hand you this book it's called emotional virtue i wrote it took me two years to write it it's straight from my heart it's all of this and more it's everything i would want you to know and then we made these cool t-shirts and we have a bunch of jewelry and fun catholic swag because i don't want you to forget this talk i pray it doesn't die when you hit the door but i'm going to be over there all day today all day tomorrow i can't wait to meet you i just want to pray with you i want to hug you and tell you you're amazing because you don't hear it enough i love you and i'm praying for you i'm proud of you god bless you guys [Applause] okay okay there it is okay uh real quick everyone uh can we just have one quick one more round of applause for uh sarah for taking time out of her um you know here to come spend time with us here at ncyc thank you thank you so much for your time you

Channel: NFCYM

Views: 1,425

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: kU67EQtv-GQ

Length: 77min 26sec (4646 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 24 2020