S1 E1: India, Pomegranates & Lisa Loeb: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

[Applause] [Music] know welcome to Last Week Tonight I am John Oliver and welcome welcome welcome to whatever this is um let's get started straight away first quick recap of the week it turned out to be a rough week for unrepentant racists and recording devices the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers Donald Sterling was caught on audio taped telling his girlfriend not to pose for pictures with black people and not to then bring them to basketball games Sterling was upset after she posted an Instagram photo of her with Magic Johnson wow that is genuinely shocking an 80-year-old man knows about Instagram but look I'm sure he'll win his way back into everyone's good graces who can stay mad at that racist face he's he's like a walking before photo and impressively impressively this horrific human actually managed to to somehow one up the previous most racist person of the week Clen Bundy who finished his week-long seminar on the benefits of slavery by provoking the single greatest introduction to an interview in the history of the English language Mr Bundy I see in your arms that you are holding a dead calf oh this whole thing I hadn't even noticed that I was carrying it and just this morning Catholics ended the week with a huge celebration just a short time ago Pope Francis presided over a double papal canonization ceremony that elevated popes John Paul II and John the 23rd into saood two at once that's the papal sainthood equivalent of a KFC Double Down this this morning this morning was actually historic for a number of reasons it's an event that may well never happen again in effect four popes in the same place at the same time Pope Francis will declare that two of his predecessors are here in spirit as Saints while the man who succeeded Benedict the 16th looks on and you know who I actually feel bad for there Pope Benedict because it cannot be easy to be the fourth most popular Pope in a room especially when two of the other Popes are dead and finally there was big Obamacare new news this week on the positive side signups have surpassed 8 million people but unfortunately on Thursday it turned out that one state in particular is lagging behind Oregon has officially shut down its online Health Care exchange after weeks of trying to fix its bulky glitchy system Oregon residents will now use the federal healthcare.gov site to sign up for medical insurance all told taxpayers have coughed up a whopping 248 million for a website that still doesn't work wait wait wait okay so let's let's break all of that down Oregon spent a quarter of a billion dollars and its website designed to sign people up in one sitting did that for exactly nobody and they're now handing the keys over to healthcare.gov that has got to be a bitter pill to swallow for the people of Oregon or it would be if they could get the pill which they can't cuz their shitty website is broken now to be fair to be fair to be fair to Oregon not all of that money was spent on the website itself 3 million of it was spent on violently adorable adverts like [Music] this Oran way to care for each one every daughter and son live long in look we get get it Oregon you people live in a cartoon your Mountain are breathtaking your coffee is fair trade and everywhere you go you hear the sound of ukuleles you've made your point but here's the thing this is all very Charming until you waste tens of millions of dollars of taxpayer money on a website that doesn't work luckily we here have prepared something to convey that message to you in a way that I think you'll be able to understand like artist in Portland sight doesn't work that 404 error is not just a quirk you blew all our money on these stupid set so when you break your leg try the neighborhood you stupid oron idiots you human pous for your passion for cuteness might kill your whole state so long [Music] forever that's right that's right that's right we flew in Lisa Lobe to tell you to go yourselves Oregon but look let's move on and let's talk about election news and before you say it no I do not mean this how is the 2016 field shaping up the prospects of Hillary Clinton Vice President Joe Biden Chris Christie leading the way maybe it can actually be Jeb Bush Rand Paul is one of the leading Front Runners Ted Cruz you even saw Donald Trump could he be testing the presidential orders again I've got an even more important question who gives a because here is the frustrating thing cable news does not need to be focusing on an election that is happening in 926 days when there's an important one happening right now that they are all completely ignoring the world's biggest election is underway in India it's the biggest election on the planet 84 million voters eligible to vote yeah the biggest election in human history is taking place in India right now nearly 1if of the world's working age population lives there it has a direct economic impact on America and yet this is the most substantive conversation about it that we could find well we're going to get questions from some writers to the program saying what are you talking about India for what what does that have to do with the United States 850 million voters why should whe that concern us they're not even in our hemisphere [Applause] a they're not even in our Hemisphere and if they're not they basically don't exist see look they're not even on my glob they're not on my glob show show me where they are you can't can you boy but look look at least the guy from Six Flags is actually talking about this story because cuz the Indian election is not even that complicated just like in American elections all it really comes down to is two people there are two key people fighting this out R Gandhi from the congress party and Narendra Modi from the BJP okay great so let's uh let's deal with Gandhi first and I realize that it is not the first time that sentence has been said in a British accent um but put that aside put that aside put that aside there's no time no time rul Gandhi rul Gandhi however is wow that guy is handsome look at that vest he's like an Indian hand solo this this guy is the total political package he's got good looks he's from a family with three former Prime Ministers he's got that vest with those three credentials you'd think he'd have this thing completely locked up by now but in the kind of twist worthy of at least a modicum of cable news coverage he's actually widely expected to lose the election to this guy Narendra Modi is a leader of India's Hindu nationalist party there's a growing wave of support behind Narendra Modi a Hardman politician who's worked his way up from the bottom as a boy he sold tea on a railway station Modi sold tea in a railway station and now he's the most popular man in the country don't pretend you're not interested in this America the last time you heard a ragster Rich's story about a te- selling Indian kid you threw a Oscar at it and and you love that more than The Curious Case of Benjamin Buton come on he starts as an old man and he ends as a dead baby it's a heartwarming tale watch it again watch it again that's not the point the point is Modi has managed to inspire people with his populist platform including a pledge to put toilets in every home and wow that's a bold move coming out as Pro toilet finally someone's taking on the powerful hastily dug ditch in a field Lobby now this this is both funny and also incredibly important as a public health issue but if that if that wasn't enough in a move that I cannot believe no American politician has tried Modi has been making campaign appearances via hologram that's right Modi has gone two pack at Coachella and that that is how you convince that that is how you convince undecided voters uh so uh who are you going to vote for Modi why cuz he appeared to me as a hologram and told me he'd give me a toilet that's that's not just how you get elected that's how religions get started and I can feel the news saying well look that's all well and good but where's the Scandal here where's the Gen say genocide well don't worry don't worry because MO has got you covered many believe that he played a role in the riots between Hindus and Muslims which killed thousands back in 2002 an explosion of communal violence in his home state on Mr Mod's watch still casts a shadow at least a thousand people died most of them Muslim is that enough of a scandal for you cuz bear in mind how much time we spent in this country covering a story about a bridge-based traffic jam in which the worst that happened to any Muslims involved was that they were slightly delayed we should care about this story if polls are to be believed we may be throwing State dinners for this guy in the near future and it's not just that he arguably failed to stop a massacre it's that if he's sorry at all it's for an unexpected reason I asked him if he had any regrets about what had happened in his state in that period he told me his his greatest regret was that he didn't uh manage the media very well sure I could have handled the media better I could have somehow spun the massacre as a positive and in hindsight I will say it may not have been the best time to do between two firms but I'm a fan of Zach I'm a fan of Zach and I thought that's what people did now if this story isn't worth covering then nothing is worth covering and I don't mean to suggest that the American news media have completely ignored India this week it's just that this is the story that they went with panic in the streets of India a frightened leopard bursting from the roof of a house a wild SE in India when this leopard got loose a leopard Springs through a roof of a home in India now where you'd imagine a leopard popping out of the rooftop like that's crazy it's not crazy though leopards are indigenous to India if it was a leopard in Time Square on New Year's Eve yes that would be crazy that would would be insane you get him leopard you get him and it's also worth noting here that even as our cable news has been ignoring India India has not been ignoring our cable news you see a lot of what may be described as foxify news in the United States which is famous internationally for shouting matches congratulations Fox you're famous internationally for shouting by the way they don't even get fox in India they just hear them from across the ocean but but that's no no no no the point is the point is slow down India let's take a progress report how exactly close to American Media have you come do you have a ludicrous number of people shouting at each other Mr Kad wants to say something here one second Mr Kad let's go back to the can I talk yes I want to talk okay that's one that's one um but do you have uh elaborate senseless election Graphics incidentally that is from CNN India and a little fact check India has just over 800 million voters so their own graphic is wrong by the entire population of Brazil you truly are a member of the CNN family uh but let's get back to it um do you have self-righteous anchors repeating themselves over and over again and how dare you bring RSS all the time how dare you like cathol how dare you say I take money how dare you say I take money you provoke how dare you say I take money how dare you say I take money I how dare you say I take money dare how dare you say I take money you dare how dare you I take money how dare you say I take money how dare you you say this to me how can you say I take money speaking to people how dare you say I take money Missy holy they've stolen our formula but but you've forgotten one crucial detail here India cuz if you really want to americanize your media there's one last thing you have to do and that is stop covering the Indian election and now this and now John McCain tells the same joke six different times in six different places listen Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country it's a gas station masquerading as a country Russia is now a gas station re masquerading as a country Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country you know I've said I thought it was a pretty good line Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country good job good job right let's move on if you if you looked at the Supreme Court docket this week you may have seen an unusual case name pom wonderful versus cocacola and if you're wondering why two beverages are fighting each other in the highest court in the land it's because pom wonderful believes that one of Coke's products is misleading the public it says pomegranate blueberry and big letters on the label but this juice is actually 99% apple and grape to see how much pomegranate juice is actually in this minute made you need something as all is an eye dropper that's it seriously because if that's the standard you should really call it minute pomegranate and rat urine blend because let's face it there's a little rat urine in everything now you might think that pom wonderful is the hero here standing up for truth in pomeg granery but be careful because in Coke's defense they only misled us about what was in their juice for years pom wonderful has misled us about what's in pomegranates the ads make pomegranate juice sound almost miraculous palom wonderful pomegranate juice claims to have healing superpowers helping you to cheat death if you know a man that you care about or you are a man make him drink 8 ounces of pomegranate juice a day cuz what it does for prostate cancer is amazing or really just give him a pomegranate enima instead just shove a bottle of pomegranate juice up his ass and squeeze it you'll be amazed at the results the US government will let you say just about anything about your products but promising immortality was too much even for them the Federal Trade Commission says the company's Health claims are quote false and unsubstantiated and based on dubious research which means what this case is actually about is PM wonderful saying hey we didn't spend years misleading people about the health benefits of our snake oil for you to come in and lie about how much snake oil you have in your product and one of Coke's actual arguments this week in the Supreme Court is that they're allowed to give their product a name that refers to juices that provide the characterizing flavor an argument that has the characterizing flavor of but but incredibly incredibly coke coke may actually have legal precedent on its side you see back in 1984 Kelloggs the folks that make candy that you can mix with milk decided that despite explicit recommendations not to they put a label on boxes of all bran implying that it could ward off cancer saying that their right to do this is protected under the First Amendment which made other companies say wait we can say what we want okay let's do exactly that then which is why Helman once felt that they could put a smart choice label on their mayonnaise and Coco Krispies boasted that they can increase your child's immunity which is true which is true but only in the sense that it immunizes them from not having diabetes and it's it's uh it's extremely it's extremely rare for companies to be called to account for any of this for instance a few years ago Kelloggs was forced to stop airing this ad a clinical study showed kids who had a filling breakfast to Frosted Mini wheat cereal improved their attentiveness by nearly 20% okay two fun facts there first when they say nearly 20% it's because they're rounding up from 11 and and secondly they were comparing kids who'd eaten cereal with a controlled group of kids who'd had no breakfast at all and that is not so much a case for mini weats as it is the concept of food a a much a much fairer slogan would be Frosted Mini weeds they're literally better than nothing clearly clearly clearly we are now at a point where food companies feel no obligation to accurately represent what is in their products and what they do for you a fact best encapsulated by this one single commercial when you give your kids frosted strawberry poptarts baked with real fruit they'll rise and you'll shine you and I'll tell you why because there is no significant amount of fruit in poptarts and within 30 seconds of eating one your children will not rise and shine they'll run around punching people in the dick before collapsing into a puddle of Tears look if there's an upside to applying the First Amendment to food labeling it's that if companies can do this then so can you you could for instance put stickers on a bottle of pom wonderful claiming that it contains four whole Pomeranians or or banners saying that Frosted Mini weeks are arguably preferable to hunger in fact you would be constitutionally empowered to go online to this address print a selection of labels out and stick them to existing food packaging now the worst thing you could do no no no no the worst thing you could do is go into a store and put these products on the shelves because that would be breaking the law in the funny way imaginable and and if you were to do it which you absolutely should not do not take a photograph and send it to our show's official Twitter account because that is something that I would not be interested in seeing and and this is key don't blame me if you get into trouble over this because even though I might be 99.7% responsible my 3% innocence is my characterizing flavor and now this and now last week tonight's workplace of the week this week the National Football League the NFL has long been renowned for its concern with the welfare of all its employees but this week one group of contractors had some constructive criticism new allegations this morning of mistreatment by a group of Buffalo Bills cheerleaders the Oakland Raiders and Cincinnati Bengals are also dealing with wage disputes some of whom claim they were paid less than $5 an hour apparently $5 an hour is just a market rate for sideline entertainers with one exception the mascot that is the person who dresses up in the uniform of an animal usually gets paid about $25,000 a year plus unlike cheerleaders mascots get benefits enjoy your doctor's visits anthromorphic dolphin humanoids but while the NFL may not pay cheerleaders much in money the advice in their handbook is free and there's plenty of it from how much to talk to to how much to eat to which feminine hygiene products to use oh and of course this and had to submit to a quote jiggle tests so their boss could critique their bodies a jiggle test because the sight of quivering excess fat has no place in the NFL and in return for all these workplace and dignities the NFL asks cheerleaders to do a job where they're barely heard barely seen and have had the only responsibility in their job title that of leading cheers usurped by jumbotrons their only remaining responsibility serving is human speed bumps for gargantuan tight ends and that is why the NFL is this week's workplace of the week for our final segment tonight we'd like to look at the NSA they've had a turbulent past 10 months but as Director of National Intelligence James Clapper said back in January the intelligence Community is determined to learn their lessons the major takeaway for us certainly for me from the past several months is that we must Le lean in the direction of transparency wherever and whenever we can we're going to be transparent I'll start I don't like bananas now you tell me everything you've ever done in your life except as we learned earlier this week after leaning in the direction of transparency Clapper didn't so much lean away as run furiously in the opposite direction under new rules by the administration and the nation's Intel Chief James Clapper in intelligence employees are banned from speaking to journalists about any intelligence related matter well that'll restore the American people's trust as we all know the first step in rebuilding any relationship is cutting off any and all communication lucky for us the ex- head of the NSA General Keith Alexander retired in March which means that those rules no longer apply to him leaving him free and generous enough to speak with us take a look General Keith Alexander is a decorated military veteran who ran the NSA for the last 8 and 1/2 years during that time he faced questioning from the highest ranking officials in the land but now he would face the opposite of that uh so first general thank you so much for sitting down with me do you think that the NSA is suffering from a perception problem with the American people at the moment bearing in mind that the answer to that is yes uh absolutely you know the first assumption is that you're collecting on the American people and there in lies the problem because the TR the reality is the target is not the American people no the target is not the American people but it seems that too often you missed the Target and you hit the American person standing next to it going whoa whoa him but you see we're not just out there Gathering us Communications listening to their phone calls or collecting their emails but that's the first thing that people jump to but you are out there doing that you're just saying you're not then reading them you are gathering that data no no so in terms of going after us infrastructure or sitting here in the United States you know talking to a and b talking in the United States we aren't collecting that we don't collect that we do collect a metadata a two from number date time group and duration of a call that's all that's in there but that's not nothing no that's that's significant information otherwise you wouldn't want it is is this the argument then that to get the needle you need the Hy stack well that's part of the argument right but people's concerns I think are that you're not just taking the Hy stack you're taking the whole farm and the county and the state and you've now got some fotos of the farmer's wife in the shower as well so NSA is not allowed to go do that on its own it has oversight and so what the courts Congress and the administration do is say if you're going to do this it has to comport with the Constitution the NSA has an unblemished record of comporting with the Constitution and keeping tight control over its information with the exception of the thousands of times that according to the nsa's own audit they accidentally accessed Americans information and then of course there was this the NSA admits some employees have spied on their girlfriends boyfriends husbands and wives all of which prompted a simple question why should the American people trust the NSA well from my perspective because of what they do to protect this country every day these are good people trying to do the right thing right but much of your reassurance there is based on your own moral code the idea of you thinking well I wouldn't abuse this power so why would anyone else I would I would if I had access to that kind of information I would abuse the hell out of it I'd be looking up information about everyone that I knew I know that everybody who goes through the training they'd say John John here's the deal you're going to get access to this data but you can't use it for these things you can't use it for this and you can't use it for this sure I definitely won't do that where's my computer right and so as soon as you get on the computer what happens you type in uh her name God she screwed me over so bad and you hit return there and oh you oh my God oh my God if you were caught doing that then you would either be removed or promoted noer to the Department of Justice as we did on several of those cases right okay so finally let's talk about branding the nsaa's brand has been damaged I think that's that's fair to say right right as we learned with blackw you don't have to change the substance of anything that you do as long as you visibly Rebrand okay so let let's try this the Washington Redskins it's a slightly less tainted brand than yours yeah but probably not a good one to go with sorry okay no good how about this Mr tiggles Mr tiggles is not just the mascot it's also the name of the agency like Chuck-E-Cheese then a journalist can't say the NSA is storing huge amounts of data on foreign countries instead it's saying Mr tiggles is storing huge amounts of data the boot isn't he clever it's in his boot oh you've massively overstepped your bounds Mr tickles but I can't stay mad at you you just want to keep me safe yeah and I don't think that's going to work okay how about rebranding yourself as a great listener the only agency in government that really listens that's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying cuz in many ways the NSA is the the perfect part so let me introduce you to the new NSA Trevor I think this is good tell us about your day everything about it how's Muhammad at work how is he what's he been doing Trevor so if you had to choose one of these which would it be well I think that's something that perhaps you could have people vote on so there you have it at long last Americans are being allowed to vote on something having to do with the NSA just pick up your phone and call any number and say a b or c into the handset don't worry your vote will be collected if you want to watch an extended version of that interview online go here um my thanks tonight to General Alexander also great thanks to Lisa L thank you for watching join us again next week good night [Applause]

Channel: LastWeekTonight

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Length: 30min 8sec (1808 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 29 2024