Rudy's Elite Strike Force Continues To Fail Spectacularly On Behalf Of Their Client, The President

welcome to a late show i don't know why i'm yelling welcome to a late show we're all just it's just you and me i'm stephen colbert your host it's not just you and me mark's here chris is here evie's here again tonight it's always it's always always a lovely night you're looking you're looking lovely over there folks as you always do that's not news folks as much as it's hard to contemplate our nation is in the grips of a seemingly endless plague and he won't leave the white house it's been 12 12 days it's been 12 days since the president lost the election and he continues to pursue his strong legal argument of but i don't wanna i'll catch you up in the latest presidential self-pity party in my sado masochistic segment one two a recalculate three for a civil war five six we are huge dicks the road from the white house i think huge is generous the presidential legal team is on a bit of a losing streak after dismissing their last remaining federal lawsuit in michigan this morning they are one for 32 in post-election litigation the president's just fulfilling his campaign promise we will have so much losing if i get elected that you may get bored with losing but the bad news is not stopping trump lawyer and phantom of the sex shop rudy giuliani earlier today giuliani held another press conference to spout his conspiracy theories unfortunately it seems like four seasons total landscaping was booked so this event was held at the headquarters of the republican national committee still same amount of manure was involved even though the pennsylvania supreme court already ruled the gop observers had appropriate access to the recount rudy kept complaining that they couldn't see the counting and he cited the legal precedent of a joe pesci movie from the 90s we could do like a did you all watch my cousin vinnie did you know the movie it's one of my favorite war movies because he comes from brooklyn and when the nice lady who said she saw and then he uh he says to her how many fingers do i how many fingers do i got up and she says uh three well she was too far away to see it was only two these people were further away than my cousin vinnie was from the witness they couldn't see a thing okay now i even feel bad for the women up there with them they got all dressed up just to have a man explain all the details of a movie he likes so sometimes they call him golem but sometimes they call him smeagle he actually refers to himself as we and precious anyway and if you ladies want to help me tuck in my shirt by the way my favorite law movie is the one where borat tricks you into going to a hotel room and uh let's say pound your pants gavel if it please the court your honor may i approach the crotch it seems like the press conference was getting a little hot because part way through his presentation rudy sweat so much that his hair dye started running down his face either that or he had so much to drink he was sweating merlot jimmy do we have another angle on that remind me is it a good sign when your lawyer starts melting looks like rudy got a bad batch of just for henchmen that's not just hair dye it looks like his hair is dying rudy dyed his hair but his head is challenging the results evidently he had his hair styled at jiffy lube now obviously it's easy to make fun of rudy here but it's also very satisfying here's the thing rudy and the rest of the president's attorneys do not specialize in election law but they insist they're the right peoples for the con job this is an elite strike force team that is working on behalf of the president and the campaign to make sure that our constitution is protected yes an elite strike force team seal team sucks a few people in the administration must see the writing on the wall though because advisors have started talking to the president about what the end looks like using the word conclusion rather than concession they're talking to him like he's a three-year-old mr president you didn't lose your campaign just went down the big boy potty okay this was good they're also using phrases like going into retirement instead of going to jail but they're not put much effort into it here's the president's chief of staff yesterday responding to a reporter's question about supposed voter fraud specific voter fraud examples what are those exactly too long to get into and litigating here i have a ton of specifics uh but i left them with my canadian girlfriend let me just text her uh oh looks like my dog ate canada so the end may be inside which is good obviously but also it's kind of sad cause this is the most fun i've had in years for 10 days we've been able to watch the president lose over and over again lose the election lose the recount lose the lawsuits it's like hanukkah we thought there was only enough stupid to last for one day but miraculously it just keeps going also i'm pounding down fried potatoes with applesauce oh one person who's not enjoying the attempted coup is head of the general services administration and a woman who is either 14 or 40. emily murphy murphy has received a lot of criticism for not releasing funds for the incoming biden administration to begin the transition which apparently has been rough on her according to her friends she is struggling with the weight of the presidential election being dropped on her shoulders feeling like she's been put in a no-win situation she's right it is a no-win situation because when it comes to a second term her boss no win since the election murphy hasn't made any public appearances and everybody's been waiting for her to make a statement she finally did last night when she tweeted dickhoof rex at hashtag z at samanan i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly either that's an accidental tweet or she's trying to call forth some sort of lovecraftian creature from another dimension from the depths of de koof rex i call forth at thee at sman man separator of darkness from light randos under the thin veil of reality and send forth cthulhu and fefe i hope i do that too powerfully i don't want to summon another worldly demon one thing the president has not been doing is anything but he has decided to continue one long-running tradition he will pardon the annual thanksgiving turkey at the white house on tuesday given all the coveted outbreaks of the white house the turkey may want to opt out of the whole ceremony uh thanks but i'll take my chances with a hatchet but the president isn't the only disease vector getting ready for thanksgiving the pandemic is threatening to turn the holiday into a super spreader event and i'll catch you up on all the depressing details in my viral segment catch a third wave endless bummer season's greetings where's my sprite or on my spray bottle yesterday we crossed a horrible threshold in the epidemic because the coronavirus has now killed a quarter of a million people in the u.s and at the current rate the disease is killing at least one american every minute of the day and unlike in the spring when don't get me wrong things were bad i remember right now things are bad everywhere in america as of yesterday 47 states had at least 10 percent more new daily cases in fact only hawaii has seen at least a 10 percent decrease in new cases well that makes sense obviously in hawaiian aloha means both hello and put your mask on there's so many hmm there are so many uh new cases that the new york times had to update how they do covid maps this is true yesterday they explained the outbreak has become so bad in parts of the country that our old scale no longer showed any variation in severity everything was just solid red so here's how they changed it uh as you can see minnesota is a deep aubergine while nebraska is a soothing burgundy and my pants are holding steady at code brown there's so many cases all over the country that today the cdc recommended against all travel for thanksgiving but if you're going to do it anyway the cdc has issued some tips on doing it safely like encourage guests to avoid shouting well how is that gonna work at thanksgiving shouting is a side dish um uncle randy i uh on behalf of everyone would like to encourage you to use your inside voice when you share your feelings that george soros is pushing a gay agenda with sugar-free gum okay but the cdc's most drastic suggestion is to encourage guests to avoid singing well come on are you saying families won't be able to sing all those beloved thanksgiving carols well luckily folks don't you worry you can still enjoy them all with this season's hottest holiday album the pandemic may have canceled your turkey day sing-along but you can still listen to the sweet sounds of the thanksgiving carols you love in one new album now that's what i call yam jams enjoy all the holly gobbly hits have yourself another spoon of gravy let your heart just die and who can forget [Music] and everybody's favorite cranberry sauce cranberry sauce cranberry sauce cranberry sauce cranberry sauce cranberry sauce cranberry sauce cranberry sauce we even included randy the red knows uncle he's had way too much to drink we'll never let poor randy ever hold his baby knees and then there's this classic jiggle fat jiggle fat i have gained some weight and for our jewish friends stuffing stuffing stuffing stuffing i will eat stuffing stuffing stuffing it kinda tastes like feet seasons eatings everybody happy thanksgiving now that's what i call yam jams order now we've got a great show for you tonight ll cool j is here and later a performance by foo fighters but when we come back meanwhile join us you

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

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Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: 9GgI-V_R3wI

Length: 12min 0sec (720 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 20 2020