( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Jon: HEY! >> Stephen: FOLKS, IT'S GOING
TO BE A ROLLER COASTER COUPLE OF MONTHS
FOR FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND MAN WHO REFUSED TO TAKE HIS
SUIT OFF FOR HIS PROSTATE EXAM, RUDY GIULIANI. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11 REMINDED PEOPLE OF THE HEROIC
IMAGE RUDY ONCE HAD, UNTIL HE TURNED UP HAPPY AT A
COMMEMORATIVE DINNER AND STARTED RAMBLING
ABOUT THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND. (IMPERSONATING THE QUEEN)
SHE SAID YOU DID A WONDERFUL JOB ON SEPTEMBER 11. AND THEREFORE I'M MAKING YOU AN
HONORARY KNIGHT, COMMAND OF THE, ROYAL... SOMETHING OR OTHER. I KNOW PRINCE ANDREW IS VERY
QUESTIONABLE NOW. I NEVER WENT OUT WITH HIM. EVER. NEVER HAD A DRINK WITH HIM,
NEVER WAS WITH A YOUNG WOMAN OR A YOUNG GIRL WITH HIM. NEVER, EVER, EVER. ONE TIME I MET HIM IN MY OFFICE
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE RUDY MET WITH PRINCE ANDREW AND THE
QUEEN. HE'S THE CLOSEST WE HAVE TO
ROYALTY, IN THAT HE MARRIED HIS COUSIN AND HAS TOO MANY TEETH
FOR HIS MOUTH. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS PERFORMANCE LEFT SOME CONCERNED THAT RUDY MAY HAVE AN
ALCOHOL PROBLEM. WHICH HE REFUTED BY SAYING
I HAD A SCOTCH. BUT I WAS NOT DRUNK, I CAN'T
REMEMBER THE LAST TIME THAT I WAS DRUNK. CLASSIC LAWYER TRICK: IF YOU
NEVER STOP DRINKING, TECHNICALLY THERE WAS NO LAST TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE MOST EMBARRASSING FOOTAGE OF RUDY TO
COME OUT RECENTLY BECAUSE HE WAS ALSO CAUGHT ON CAMERA SHAVING IN
PUBLIC WHILE SITTING IN THE J.F.K. AIRPORT DINING AREA. (DRY HEAVING)
SORRY. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT DINING
AT J.F.K.. ( LAUGHTER )
( DRY HEAVING ) IS THE BAR --
( DRY HEAVING ) ( LAUGHTER )
AND THINGS AREN'T LOOKING GOOD FOR RUDY'S LAW PRACTICE EITHER. BECAUSE AFTER PEDDLING HIS
BASELESS ELECTION CONSPIRACIES HE'S NOW FACING RISING FINANCIAL
ISSUES, AND THE THREAT OF DISBARMENT, AND A LAWSUIT FROM
DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS IN THE AMOUNT OF $1.3 BILLION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW! $1.3 BILLION! RUDY'S NEVER GOING TO RAISE THAT
KIND OF MONEY, UNLESS HE TAKES HIS EMPTIES IN FOR RECYCLING. ( LAUGHTER )
STRAPPED FOR CASH, RUDY FOUND A NEW SOURCE OF INCOME: RECORDING
PERSONALIZED MESSAGES ON THE APP CAMEO. RIGHT NOW A FROM RUDY WILL SET
YOU BACK $325, WHICH MAY SEEM LIKE A LOT. BUT YOU GET, A LOT. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CLIP FROM
ONE OF RUDY'S S THAT WENT ON FOR FOURTEEN EXCRUCIATING MINUTES. >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LENA, IT'S A
GREAT PLEASURE FOR ME TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY. YOU KNOW, I'M RUDY GIULIANI. IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
HOSPITALS AND ACCREDITATION. FOR A HOSPITAL TO BE
UNACCREDITED, I DON'T THINK IT'S EXAGGERATION TO SAY THEY'RE
BASICALLY KILLING PEOPLE. YOU MIGHT FIND INTERESTING, I
HOPE YOU DO, RUDY'S COMMON SENSE DOT COM. YOU CAN GO ONLINE, AND IT'S A
PODCAST, AND YOU CAN HIT SUBSCRIBE, FOR FREE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOUNG LADY AND
HAVE A TERRIFIC CAREER. >> Stephen: I'M SURE LENA
WOULD HAVE ENJOYED THAT VIDEO BUT,
UNFORTUNATELY, BEFORE IT ENDED, SHE DIED OF OLD AGE. ( APPLAUSE )
AND THIS HAS ALL CULMINATED WITH THE REPORT LAST WEEK THAT
RUDY GIULIANI HAS BEEN BANNED FROM FOX NEWS. BANNED FROM THE ONE NETWORK THAT
ENCOURAGES DRUNKEN CONSPIRACY THEORIES? WILL RUDY EVER APPEAR ON TV
AGAIN? HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS, FORMER
NEW YORK MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MR. MAYOR -- MR. MAYOR, MR. MAYOR, WELCOME BACK TO "THE
LATE SHOW." >> WRONG. I'VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE. EVERRR EVER EVER EVER. >> STEPHEN: SIR, YOU'VE BEEN ON
THIS SHOW THREE TIMES. >> I DEMAND A RECOUNT. THIS IS MASSIVE RUDY FRAUD. >> STEPHEN: YOU'RE NOT MAKING
ANY SENSE. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED. LET ME TALK TO MY CHIEF OF
STAFF. ( APPLAUSE )
YOU DESERVE A RAISE. >> STEPHEN: SO IT'S TRUE YOU
SOMETIMES GET DRUNK BEFORE SPEAKING IN PUBLIC? >> WHAT? I NEVER GET DRUNK. EVER EVER EVER. I ONLY DRINK TO PROVIDE AN
EXCUSE FOR THE WAY I ACT. LEGALLY, THAT'S PLAUSIBLE
DENIABILITY. OR AS THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND WOULD
SAY IT (ACCENT)
THAT'S JUST THE BOOZE TALKING, INNIT GOVNUH? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S REALLY GOOD. THAT'S A GREAT IMPRESSION. YOU SHOULD BE ON "THE CROWN." >> NEVER EVER EVER EVER. FOR STARTERS, STEPHEN, I HAVE IT
ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND RIGGED HER ELECTION
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: MR MAYOR, THE QUEEN
IS NOT ELECTED. >> SO, YOU AGREE WITH ME! >> STEPHEN: NO. YOU'RE A LAWYER. ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE THREAT
OF BEING FULLY DIS-BARRED? >> WHAT? NO! YOU CAN'T BAN ME FROM BARS! THAT'S WHERE I MEET UP WITH MY
LEGAL TEAM! THIS GUY JUST MADE PARTNER. >> Stephen: GO AHEAD. HI TRAIT. I'LL WAIT. >> STEPHEN: NOW, MR MAYOR. I HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT
DOMINION. HOW DO YOU PLAN TO HANDLE THEIR
ONE POINT THREE BILLION DOLLAR LAW SUIT? >> STEPHEN, I'M GONNA ANSWER
THAT QUESTION WITH THIS QUESTION: WHO'S READY TO
CELEBRATE THE 40TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY OF JACK AND DORIS
MILLBURN? HEY GUYS. YOU KNOW, I'M RUDY GIULIANI. THANKS FOR REQUESTING THIS VIDEO
AND CONGRATS ON THE MARRIAGE. NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT
UNACCREDITED HOSPITALS-- >> STEPHEN: MISTER MAYOR, ARE
YOU RECORDING A CAMEO IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS INTERVIEW? FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING SO, BUT
YOU'VE HAD QUITE A FALL FROM GRACE. >> WHO IS GRACE? IS SHE A FRIEND OF PRINCE
ANDREW? I NEVER MET HER EVER EVER EVER
>> STEPHEN: NO, I MEAN YOU'RE BANNED FROM FOX NEWS AND
SHOOTING WEDDING VIDEOS. THERE ARE EVEN RUMORS THAT THE
FORMER PRESIDENT WON'T SPEAK WITH YOU ANYMORE. >> NONSENSE. I TALK TO HIM ALL THE TIME. IN FACT, I OWE HIM A CALL. HELLO, MR FORMER PRESIDENT, THIS
IS RUDY GIULIANI SPEAKING. THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING ME ON
CAMEO. I'M EXCITED TO, ONCE AGAIN, BE
GETTING PAID TO SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO. HERE WE GO:
I'M A TOTAL CLOWN WHO YOU'VE NEVER MET AND I'M A DUMB LOSER,
AN ABSOLUTE TURD IN A CHEAP SUIT WHO CAN'T TELL HIS ASS FROM--
>> STEPHEN: SIR! STOP! EVEN BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS
YOU'RE HUMILIATING YOURSELF ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW. >> WHAT? THEY LET ME ON TV AGAIN? OH, GOD. YOU'RE RIGHT, STEPHEN. I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL
EMBARRASSMENT. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
HANG ON! >> Stephen: RUDY GIULIANI,
EVERYONE! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN
LITHGOW! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
