WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HAPPY NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER. >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S
RIGHT. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I DON'T
KNOW WHY IT'S JUST ONE DAY BECAUSE EVERY MORNING SINCE
THE ELECTION I WAKE UP AND SCREAM, "OH, DEAR GOD!"
( LAUGHTER ) DO SOMETHING! AND TRUMP TALKED ABOUT HOW
IMPORTANT FAITH IS TO OTHER PEOPLE. >> I WANT TO THANK VICE
PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE AND KAREN FOR JOINING US, VERY SPECIAL
PEOPLE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ( APPLAUSE )
WE ARE TRULY BLESSED TO HAVE A VICE PRESIDENT AND A SECOND LADY
WHO BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER AND THE GLORY OF GOD, AND
THEY DO BELIEVE. I'M WITH THEM A LOT. THEY BELIEVE. IT'S TRUE. >> STEPHEN: "THEY WON'T SHUT UP
ABOUT IT. I'M WITH THEM A LOT. I'M BREATHING IN A LOT OF
SECOND-HAND PRAYER. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY. I'M IN THE HOLY WATER SPLASH
ZONE. I NEED A PONCHO." ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP MIGHT WANT TO START PRAYING HIMSELF, BECAUSE HE'S
GOT SOME PROBLEMS. WE'LL COVER SOME OF THEM IN
TONIGHT'S "STORMY WATCH." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IT'S NOT JUST A STORM, IT'S HURRICANE RUDY. ( LAUGHTER )
LAST NIGHT, HE MADE LANDFALL ON FOX NEWS AND TRUMP MAY HAVE TO
DECLARE HIMSELF A DISASTER AREA. HERE'S THE SITUATION: REMEMBER
MICHAEL COHEN PAID STORMY DANIELS $130,000 RIGHT BEFORE
THE ELECTION. AND BOTH TRUMP AND COHEN HAVE
DENIED THAT TRUMP KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PAYMENT OR PAID COHEN
BACK IN ANYWAY. IT WAS JUST AN ACT OF CHARITY. THAT CHARITY: THE AMERICAN
SOCIETY FOR THE PROTECTION OF HORNY BILLIONAIRES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ IN THE ARMS OF A PORN
STAR -- ♪ THEY HAVE BOTH STRESSED FOR
MONTHS THAT TRUMP NEVER REIMBURSED HIM. SO LEGAL GIANT RUDY SAID THIS:
>> I'M GIVING YOU A FACT NOW THAT YOU DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT CAMPAIGN MONEY, NO
CAMPAIGN FINANCE VIOLATION. >> THEY FUNNELED IT THROUGH A
LAW FIRM-- >> FUNNELED IT THROUGH A LAW
FIRM AND THEN THE PRESIDENT REPAID IT. >> STEPHEN: RUDY! YOU'RE NOT HELPING! ( LAUGHTER )
"I GOT THIS. OFFICER, YOU CAN'T ACCUSE MY
BUDDY HERE OF SPEEDING, HE WAS WAY TOO DRUNK TO DO THAT!"
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULD
DO THIS! I KNOW NOT TO DO THAT. I'M NOT A LAWYER AND I KNOW NOT
TO DO THAT. DIDN'T RUDY SEE TRUMP ON AIR
FORCE ONE? >> MR. PRESIDENT, DID YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE $130,000 PAYMENT TO STORMY DANIELS? >> NO.
NO. >> THEN, WHY DID MICHAEL COHEN
MAKE THIS, IF THERE WAS NO TRUTH TO HER ALLEGATIONS? >> WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK
MICHAEL COHEN. MICHAEL IS MY-- ATTORNEY AND
YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK MICHAEL. >> DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE GOT THE
MONEY TO MAKE THAT PAYMENT? >> NO, I DON'T KNOW. BETWEEN COHEN AND TRUMP --
ONE OF THESE TWO MEN IS LYING, AND IT'S BOTH OF THEM. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW IS IT THAT TRUMP KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THIS PAYMENT, BUT
SOMEHOW REIMBURSED COHEN ANYWAY? RUDY HAD A THEORY:
>> WHEN I HEARD COHEN'S RETAINER OF $35,000 WHEN HE WAS DOING NO
WORK FOR THE PRESIDENT, I SAID, WELL, THAT'S HOW HE'S
RE-PAYING-- THAT'S HOW HE'S REPAYING IT WITH A LITTLE PROFIT
AND A LITTLE MARGIN FOR PAYING TAXES FOR MICHAEL. >> Stephen: WHAT HE'S TRYING
TO SHIP HERE IS THE IDEA THAT COHEN GETS $35,000 A MONTH FOR
TRUMP AND OUT OF THAT HE DEDUCT ALL THE HUSH MONEY HE PAYS. ALL THE PORN STARS YOU WANT TO
SILENCE FOR ONE LOW MONTHLY FEE. ( LAUGHTER )
COHEN CALLS THE SERVICE NETCHIX. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NETIX, YES. IT COMES WITH STREAMING. >> Jon: WOW! ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. THAT'S (RUSSIAN ACCENT PRN
NETCHIX. THEN A VISIBLY SHAKEN SEAN
HANNITY TRIED TO POINT OUT THE LOOMING ICEBERG IN FRONT OF
THE S.S. TRUMP-TANIC, BUT RUDY SAID, "FULL STEAM AHEAD." >> THE PRESIDENT-- DO YOU KNOW
THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS? >> I BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT MICHAEL
HAD SAID. HE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE
SPECIFICS OF IT, AS FAR AS I KNOW, BUT HE DID KNOW ABOUT THE
GENERAL ARRANGEMENT, THAT MICHAEL WOULD TAKE CARE OF
THINGS LIKE THIS, LIKE I TAKE CARE OF THINGS LIKE THIS WITH MY
CLIENTS, I DON'T BURDEN THEM WITH EVERY SINGLE THING THAT
COMES ALONG. THESE ARE BUSY PEOPLE. >> STEPHEN: YES, THEY'RE BUSY
AND GETTING BUSY WITH PORN STARS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND GUILIANI WENT ON "FOX & FRIENDS" THIS MORNING TO EXPLAIN
THE PAYMENT IN EVEN MORE DAMAGING WAYS. >> IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
CAMPAIGN, IT WAS A PERSONAL MATTER. PERSONAL REASONS. IT WASN'T FOR THE CAMPAIGN! HOWEVER, IMAGINE IF THAT CAME
OUT ON OCTOBER 15TH, 2016, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE, YOU KNOW,
LAST DEBATE WITH HILLARY CLINTON. >> STEPHEN: THERE'S SOMETHING
KIND OF ADMIRABLE ABOUT BEING THAT BAD OF A LIAR. "YOUR HONOR, I HAD NO REASON TO
BURN DOWN MY WAREHOUSE, BUT I'LL TELL YOU THAT INSURANCE
MONEY SAVED MY ASS." NOW, WHEN TRUMP HEARD ABOUT
RUDY'S GAFFE, HE SAID, "OKAY, LET'S GO WITH THAT." "MR. COHEN, AN ATTORNEY,
RECEIVED A MONTHLY RETAINER, NOT FROM THE CAMPAIGN AND HAVING
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CAMPAIGN, FROM WHICH HE ENTERED INTO,
THROUGH REIMBURSEMENT, A PRIVATE CONTRACT BETWEEN TWO PARTIES,
KNOWN AS A NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT, OR N.D.A. THESE AGREEMENTS ARE....." "...VERY COMMON AMONG
CELEBRITIES AND PEOPLE OF WEALTH." HOLD ON, I'M A CELEBRITY, AND
PEOPLE OF WEALTH AND I DON'T HAVE ANY N.D.A.'S. AND IF I DID, I WOULDN'T TELL
YOU BECAUSE I PAID MYSELF OFF. ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP TWEETED ON: "IN THIS CASE IT IS IN FULL
FORCE AND EFFECT AND WILL BE USED IN ARBITRATION FOR DAMAGES
AGAINST MS. CLIFFORD-- DANIELS. THE AGREEMENT WAS USED TO STOP
THE FALSE AND EXTORTIONIST ACCUSATIONS MADE BY HER ABOUT
AN AFFAIR......" "...DESPITE ALREADY HAVING
SIGNED A DETAILED LETTER ADMITTING THAT THERE WAS NO
AFFAIR. PRIOR TO ITS VIOLATION BY MS.
CLIFFORD AND HER ATTORNEY, THIS WAS A PRIVATE AGREEMENT. MONEY FROM THE CAMPAIGN, OR
CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS, PLAYED NO ROLL IN THIS TRANSACTION." YES, ROLL! HE MUST HAVE BEEN HUNGRY WHEN HE
TYPED THIS. "YES, NO ROLL, NO BISCUIT, NOT
EVEN CORNBREAD. CORNBREAD'S USUALLY FREE. NO ROLL. MY CRIMES ARE GLUTEN FREE." ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP IS CLAIMING THAT HE PAID COHEN A MONTHLY FEE TO HUSH UP
ALL THE AFFAIRS HE WASN'T HAVING. SO ANYONE CAN JUST SAY THEY
HAD AN AFFAIR WITH TRUMP AND LEAVE WITH $130-GRAND? IN THAT CASE, I HAD SEX WITH
DONALD TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT'S GONNA COME OUT EVENTUALLY. YEAH! YEAH! >> Jon: YOU DID IT. >> Stephen: YES. I DON'T MEAN LOVE, IT WAS DIRTY
DOG. ( LAUGHTER )
AND SURE, LIKE ALL THE OTHER ACCUSATIONS IT'S NOT TRUE, BUT
WHAT A TERRIBLE TIME FOR IT TO COME OUT. CAN YOU IMAGINE? >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT WOULD IT DO,
WHEN HE WAS FIGHTING ALL THESE OTHER ALLEGATION THAT IT BROKE I
HAD SEX WITH DONALD TRUMP. >> Jon: IT WOULD BE OVER. >> Stephen: BLOW EVERYBODY'S
MIND. >> Jon: ABSOLUTELY. >> Stephen: JUST --
( LAUGHTER ) AND REMEMBER HOW TRUMP'S DEFENSE
AGAINST CHARGES OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE IS TOTALLY LINKED
THAT THE FIRING OF COMEY HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO
WITH THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION. THERE'S NO OBSTRUCTION BECAUSE
THE FIRING HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE INVESTIGATION. MAESTRO? >> HE FIRED COMEY BECAUSE COMEY
WOULD NOT-- AMONG OTHER THINGS-- SAY THAT HE WASN'T A TARGET OF
THE INVESTIGATION. HE FIRED HIM AND HE SAID, "I'M
FREE OF THIS GUY." >> STEPHEN: SIR, FIRING THE GUY
BECAUSE HE WON'T ANNOUNCE YOU'RE NOT THE TARGET OF THE
INVESTIGATION IS ILLEGAL. THAT'S OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE
101, WHICH I BELIEVE WAS A CLASS THEY OFFERED AT TRUMP
UNIVERSITY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HANNITY ALSO ASKED ABOUT SOMETHING COMEY SAID ABOUT
HILLARY CLINTON. >> HE SAID TODAY, OR YESTERDAY,
COMEY, HE SAID, "HILLARY DEEPLY RESPECTS THE RULE OF LAW." COMEY SAID THAT. >> WOW. THIS IS A VERY PERVERTED MAN. >> Stephen: NO --
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO, NO,
BUT GIULIANI'S RIGHT. COMEY IS ONE SICK PERV. I HEAR HE GETS OFF ON BLIND
CHICKS WHO HOLD UP SCALES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. CHARLIZE THERON IS HERE. WHEN WE RETURN, I TALK ABOUT OUR
OLD FRIEND COCAINE MITCH McCONNELL! STICK AROUND!
