WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE
SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU KNOW, THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT
BECAUSE I NEED IT. YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT TIME
HEALS ALL WOUNDS AND THEY ARE WRONG. (LAUGHTER)
TIME CAN ALSO FESTER ALL WOUNDS. AND THEN YOU HAVE TO START
LOPPING STUFF OFF BEFORE IT SPREADS. AND I'M BEGINNING TO THINK IT'S
TIME TO REACH FOR THE BONE SAW BECAUSE ANYBODY WHO STILL
BELIEVES DONALD TRUMP AT THIS POINT IS GANGRENE ON THE BODY
POLITIC. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
GOT TO GO, GOT TO GO FOR THE REST OF THED ABOUTEE BUT DON'T
GIVE ME THE SAW BECAUSE I'M FEELING A LITTLE SHAKY. I'M ABOUT AS SHAKY AS I HAVE
FELT SINCE THE NIGHT HE WON. BACK THEN MY BIGGEST FEAR IS WE
HAD ELECTED AN ASSET OF THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT WHO WOULD
SELL OUT AMERICA AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY JUST TO SAVE HIS OWN
HIDE. MY BIGGEST FEAR NOW IS THAT I
WAS RIGHT. A LOT OF PEOPLE-- A LOT OF
PEOPLE-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN UPSET SINCE HELSINKI WHERE
DONALD TRUMP DID NOT PUT AMERICA FIRST. HE DID NOT SAY HEY, PUTIN, I
KNOW YOU MESSED WITH OUR ELECTION AND IF YOU DO IT AGAIN
WE'RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. INSTEAD DONALD TRUMP BLAMED
AMERICA AND SUCKED UP TO PUTIN. >> PEOPLE CAME TO ME, DAN COATES
CAME TO ME AND SOME OTHERS. THEY SAID THEY THINK IT'S
RUSSIA. I HAVE PRESIDENT PUTIN, HE JUST
SAID IT'S NOT RUSSIA. I WILL SAY, THIS I DON'T SEE ANY
REASON WHY IT WOULD BE. >> YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE
ARE UPSET. THAT'S LIKE PAUL REVERE SAYING
THE BRITISH ARE "COME FROM AWAYING," THE BRITISH ARE
COMING, THIS WAY, BRITISH, FOLLOW ME, WE'LL GET THEM WHILE
THEY'RE SLEEPING, P-WE, P-WPE-W. PE-W. AND AFTER GETTING CAUGHT
PUBLICLY BETRAYING THE COUNTRY HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF, YESTERDAY
DONALD TRUMP KUNNINGLY FIXED IT. >> THE KEY SENTENCE IN MY
REMARKS, I SAID THE WORD "WOULD" INSTEAD OF WOULDN'T. THE SENTENCE SHOULD HAVE BEEN I
DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY I WOULDN'T-- OR WHY IT WOULDN'T BE
RUSSIA. >> OKAY, ALL GOOD. I SEE NO REASON WHY YOU WOULD BE
A TRAITOR, I'M SORRY, I MEANT WOULDN'T. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND REMEMBER CAN'T REMEMBER, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER. ANYWAY, FIXED IT. BUT IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS
BECAUSE WE'RE NOTHING IF NOT FAIR AT THE LATE SHOW--
(LAUGHTER) AND I'M BLG TOLD WE'RE NOTHING,
ANYWAY, HERE'S WHAT IT WOULD HAVE SOUNDED LIKE IF HE HAD SAID
WHAT HE CLAIMED HE MEANT. >> MY PEOPLE CAME TO ME, DAN
COATES CAME TO ME AND SOME OTHERS. THEY SAID THEY THINK IT'S
RUSSIA. I HAVE PRESIDENT PUTIN. HE JUST SAID IT'S NOT RUSSIA. I WILL SAY, THIS I DON'T SEE ANY
REASON WHY IT WOULDN'T BE. >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT. THAT FIXESxD IT. (APPLAUSE)
>> SMOOTH, THAT FIXES THE ONLY WORD HE CLAIMS HE GOT WRONG. I'M JUST CURIOUS, DID HE SAY
ANYTHING ELSE? >> HAVE I GREAT CONFIDENCE IN MY
INTELLIGENCE PEOPLE BUT, I WILL TELL THAT YOU PRESIDENT PUTIN
WAS EXTREMELY STRONG AND POWERFUL IN HIS DENIAL TODAY AND
WHAT HE DID IS AN INCREDIBLE OFFER. >> THAT IS PRETTY TERRIBLE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE HE
MEANT TO SAY THIS. >> I HAVE GREAT CONFIDENCE IN MY
INTELLIGENCE PEOPLE. BUT I WILL TELL YOU THAT
PRESIDENT PUTIN WAS EXTREMELY-- WRONG AND BAD. >> IN HIS DENIAL TODAY AND WHAT
HE DID WAS. >> GROUNDS FOR WAR. >> TRUMP DOESN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND
WHY PEOPLE ON ALL SIDES OF THE POLITICAL SPECTRUM ARE
HORRIFIED. THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, SO MANY
PEOPLE AT THE HIGHER END OF INTELLIGENCE LOVED MY PRESS
CONFERENCE PERFORMANCE IN HELSINKI. THAT I BELIEVE, I'M SURE THE
HIGHEST ENDS OF RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE LOVED IT. ABSOLUTELY, I GOT TO SAY, THEY
LOVED IT. I GREAT REVIEWS FROM THE BORE IS
AND NATASHA, KERI RUSSELL, EVEN THAT NEW RUSSIAN SPY LADY WHAT
IS HER FLAME, MARIO BATALI, SHE LOVED IT. HE FOLLOWED THAT UP WITH WHILE
THE NATO MEETING IN BRUSSELS WAS AN ACKNOWLEDGED TRIUMPH WITH
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS MORE BEING PUT UP BY MEMBERS OF COUNTRIES
AT A FASTER PACE, THE MEETING WITH RUSSIA MAY PROVE TO BE IN
THE LONG RUN AN EVEN GREATER SUCCESS. YOU KNOW WHO DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE
THE NATO MEETING AS A TRIUMPH? NATO. (LAUGHTER)
YOU CAN'T DECLARE YOUR DISASTERS SUCCESS
SUCCESSES. EVEN MEMBERS OF TRUMP'S
ADMINISTRATION DON'T THINK THIS VERBAL TURD IS GOING TO FLUSH. ONE OFFICIAL WARNED, PEOPLE
AREN'T GOING TO FORGET ABOUT THIS. IT WILL BE IN THE TOP THREE
WORST MOMENTS OF HIS PRESIDENCY. THREE? (LAUGHTER)
THREE? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THREE. HOW-- HOW WOULD YOU EVEN CHOOSE? (LAUGHTER)
I WOULD HAVE TROUBLE HOLDING IT TO A BILLBOARD TOP 100. AND COMING IN AT NUMBER 47 BEV'S
GOT TRUMP THINKS FREDERICK DOUGLASS IS STILL ALIVE. AND THIS ONE, THIS ONE IS
DEDICATED TO LITTLE DYLAN PICKLE. SO--
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP'S WALK-BACK YESTERDAY WAS
MORE OF A SHAMBLE. AND YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE SOME
KIND OF IDIOT TO BUY IT JIMMY, ROLL THE IDIOTS. >> I THOUGHT YESTERDAY WAS A
STEP FORWARD AND I'M GLAD THAT IT OCCURRED. >> I'M GLAD THE PRESIDENT
RETRACTED OR SORT OF CORRECTED HIS STATEMENT. >> I'M JUST GLAD HE CLARIFIED
IT. >> I THINK HE CLEANED IT UP
TODAY. >> I TAKE HIM AT HIS BOARD SNS
WHICH WORDS? , WOULD OR WOULDN'T BECAUSE THE
PRESIDENT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE THE PRESIDENT AT HIS WORD. BUT THERE IS A PERFECTLY
REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR WHY REPUBLICAN LEADERS WON'T STICK
UP FOR DEMOCRACY. THEY'RE SCARED. ACCORDING TO ONE GOP STRATEGIST,
I'M FURIOUS REPUBLICANS ARE COULD WARDLY ABOUT TRUMP BUT
HERE IS WHAT THEY SAY IN PRIVATE, TRUMP IS A DISGRACE, I
GIVE FIERY PRESS CONFERENCE TOMORROW SAYING THAT. NOTHING CHANGES. TRUMP REMAINS NUTS AND REMAINS
PRESIDENT, A NUT BEATS ME IN THE NEXT PRIMARY. SO HOW DOES MY POLITICAL SUICIDE
HELP? IT REMINDED ME OF THE FAMOUS
MOVING SPEECH FROM BRAVEHEART, THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES
BUT-- WAIT, THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES? THEN HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYBODY? LET'S BE ENGLISH. (LAUGHTER)
CHEERSZ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> THAT'S NOWHERE NEAR, NO NOWHERE NEAR SCOTTISH. ONE POLITICAL ANALYST HAS A GRIM
PREDINGS FOR HOW THIS WILL ALL END UP. MOST REPUBLICAN MEMBERS ARE
WILLING TO ADMIT THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T OPERATE IN REALITY BUT
NO, WE'RE DOOMED IN THEIR NEXT PRIMARY IF THEY SAY SO PUBLICLY. AS LONG AS THAT IS TRUE, WE'RE
HEADED FOR A WORLD WITH ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY THAT IS ADORABLE. BUT HE THINKS WE'RE HEADED FOR
ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY. WHAT OTHER HOT PREDICTIONS YOU
GOT. YOU THINK THE SMARTPHONES ARE
TBING TO CATCH ON? BUT ONE--
(LAUGHTER) I'M HEARING GREAT THINGS ABOUT
PENCIL INBUT-- THANK YOU. PENICILLIN FANS HERE TONIGHT. BUT ONE REPUBLICAN DID QUESTION
TRUMP'S RELATIONSHIP WITH PUTIN. ILLINOIS CONGRESSMAN AND THE
NEXT BACHELOR ADAM KINZINGER. >> IT'S ONE THING TO HAVE A
RELATIONSHIP WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN, THAT IS OKAY AS TWO
LEADERS OF BIG COUNTRY. BUT TO HAVE A FRIENDSHIP, IS
DIFFERENT, I QUAIT THE RELATIONSHIP TO LIKE A PRISON
GUARD FOR JEFFREY DAHMER, YOU CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH
JEFF YEE DAHMER AS HIS PRISON GUARD BUT DON'T BE HIS FRIEND
BECAUSE HE'S A REALLY BAD GUY. >> OKAY. TRUE, BUT IN THIS ANALOGY, TRUMP
DOESN'T WANT TO BE JEFFREY DAHMER'S PRISON GUARD. HE HAD A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH
DAHMER AND SAID HE BELIEVED HIM OVER THE POLICE. >> THE COPS ARE LIARS, MY BUDDY
JEFF MADE ME A FANTASTIC MEATLOAF AND I'M HAVING SECONDS. I'M HAVING SECONDS RIGHT NOW, I
DON'T KNOW-- OH WAIT, I'M SORRY, I JUST CHECKED THE TRANSCRYPT, I
GOT ONE WORD WRONG, I MEANT MANLOAF AND I'M HAVING SECONDS. >> I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR
SECRET INGREDIENT IS, IT'S SO GOOD. HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM. BUT EVEN TRUMP'S BEST FRIENDS AT
FOX, THE FOX & FRIENDS HAVE BEEN FLAILING A BIT TO DEFEND TRUMP'S
COMMENTS IN HELSINKI. >> WELL, LOOK, THERE'S A
DIFF-- YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE GET CONFUSED. >> I'M NOT SAYING THE PRESIDENT
IS CONFUSED. >> WELL, LOOK, IF THERE IS A
DIFF-- AND THE PRETION-- NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE
LYING-- NOT THE PRESIDENT IS LYING AND BLAH LaLaLaLa,
IS IT OVER YET? (APPLAUSE)
WELL, FOX NEWS MIGHT BE STRUGGLING TO COME UP WITH
POSITIVE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S PERFORMANCE IN
HELSINKI. BUT YOU KNOW WHO CAN ALWAYS
MUSTER PRAISE FOR THE PRESIDENT, IS THE FOLKS AT OUR IN-HOUSE
NEWS TEAM, REAL NEWS TONIGHT. JIM? WELCOME TO REAL NEWS TONIGHTS,
I'M JILL NEWS LADY. >> AND I'M JIM ANCHORTON. >> OUR TOP STORY, PRESIDENT
TRUMP MET WITH A PUTIN IN HELSINKI. >> THAT CERTAINLY HAPPENED. >> AND WHAT DID YOU THINK OF
THAT, JIM? >> WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING
FIRST, JILL? >> OKAY. YEAH. MY MOM ALWAYS SAID IF YOU CAN'T
SAY SOMETHING NICE, JUST LET THE MAN TALK. >> WELL, MY MOM ALWAYS SAID IT'S
NOT POLITE TO TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL AND IT'S TIME FOR MY
PILLS. >> THOSE LOOK GOOD. THOSE LOOK GOOD, DID YOU BRING
ENOUGH FOR MAMA. >> NO. >> OKAY. I KNOW, LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR
NUMBER ONE TRUMP FAN, WEATHERMAN SUNNY SHOWERS, SUNNY. >> WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOUR
TONIGHT. ANDERSON KEERP AND ANDY COHEN
ARE HERE. JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
Surely charlottesville is still number 1, ha