r/SuspiciouslySpecific · thanks?

have you ever been so stressed that relaxing makes you more stressed because you're not working on what's making you stressed i don't like being called out like this has grown over welcome back to easy peasy i'm zach and today we're taking a look at our slash suspiciously specific merry christmas from your lawyer i wish you but in no way guarantee a reasonably merry christmas and or festive period including but not limited to a reasonably happy 12 months from the date hereof dream logic is so weird you'll be exploring an underwater shipwreck but you'll also be like this is the walmart that my dad owns you have to come with terms with the fact that realistically in a post-apocalyptic world there's a 99 chance you'll die from diarrhea after drinking bad water and you will never get a chance to wear football armor and make a machete out of duct tape and a lawnmower blade or whatever would you rather fight a buff nerd or a jock who listens to jazz things to remember nerd has a lot of pent up anger might pretend you are his dad because of the jock's exposure to jazz music his attack patterns and movements are a lot less predictable did everyone have a pe teacher at school with a beard who wore a tracksuit all the time and taught geography on the side honestly it's pretty likely what i will never be able to understand is this how can it be completely normal for you people for amazon to leave the package on your doorstep people are quite neighborly in most places especially in suburban and rural areas in some places you can leave your door unlocked without worry package thieves do exist but amazon makes it easy to get a refund or re-delivery of missing items you can call up amazon and be like hey i think someone stole my package i could look around some more but the little tracker thing he says at what and they're like another is on the way then you hang up the phone and say man that was too easy what if i was just lying amazon would lose money and then from behind your alexa says fools do you think the center brain cares about money we have transcended money the currency of the future is your data and you say what and the alexa says paper towels added to the shopping list and you're like okay do you think the top part of a mermaid also tastes like fish or that it would actually be red meat would there be a solid line where the meat changes in their body or would it kind of blend could you make a surf and turf platter with one carcass hashtag i need answers i need them too i befriended a crow today and i don't need any of you anymore i can't wait to live in the woods i can't wait to have antlers and only speak in clicks and whistles and watch you all die in your cities she looks like the woman named margaret who sits at the front of the office and has a betty boop calendar and usually is a little stressed out because no one ever puts the outgoing mail in the right place and she's really not great at this whole google docs thing yet but she always remembers to fill up her candy jar with peanut m ms in seasonal colors and when she finally retires this whole place will fall apart probably that one person that isn't the best at their job but when they're gone well what the hell are you gonna do this guy tarzan was hornier than a drunk nun and not even toilet trained but jane said you know what those abs don't grow on trees this is my hot girl summer when a bmw cuts you off at 1am so you follow him to the only barely lit gas station in a 10 mile radius in nebraska on october 3rd 2017. some of y'all think you'll make good partners because you won't cheat but don't realize you're inconsiderate unappreciative manipulative insecure lack empathy have poor communication skills harboring emotional trauma from your past and bad at sex well they just laid it out for you huh you okay yeah why i mean i just watched you slip down a couple stairs lay on the floor for a minute and then start singing the baby shark songs so fact of the day it's apparently not okay to raise 16 200 seagulls from birth train them every day in the art of aerial warfare and then unleash them upon a medium-sized township there are over 7 billion people in the world what's one thing you think nobody's doing right now sitting bound and gagged in my basement yup absolutely no one doing that at this point in time no sir serious question when someone's telling you a sad story and crying how long should i wait before i take a bite of my corn dog i'd give it about two minutes some of you never had to spend hours in the kitchen table crying as your dad shouts what is three times seven people cry doing their math homework yeah what if someone stole the google maps car and took pictures of their dutch but the guy who drove the car was too scared to tell his boss so somewhere on google maps there is a picture of a duck is there something you need to tell us y'all ever have that one friend that'll message you hey and you'll reply but they don't respond for two weeks then they forget so they reply with hey again and now you've been in a five year long hey loop on snapchat or is that just me i don't know who needs to hear this but if the house is 73 and you want it to be 68 turning the thermostat down to 60 does not get you to 68 any quicker and by i don't know who i mean my wife but i can't tell her because she is pregnant and scares me yeah pregnant women uh don't don't just don't don't don't you ever put your coat on too soon before you leave the house and then you can't find your keys and then your hot is [ __ ] looking for them and then nearly have an anxiety attack and a heat stroke all at once wife watching the news some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me covered in ink maybe the squid was being a dick this is the hairstyle of the douchebag boyfriend in a chick flick before the main character leaves him for a down down-to-earth man who operates a small corner store that's slowly going bankrupt because douchebag boyfriend's daddy wants to expend his million dollar company to that specific corner for no reason other than the plot you know what i believe them if you're laid up with your girl in a degree room and she starts multiplying rapidly that [ __ ] is a foodborne pathogen stay woke i'm so proud of you spending all your money on ice cream and vodka is really healthy my therapist says thank you that means a lot i say as i put the sock puppet i replaced my old therapist with back in the drawer [ __ ] be wanting a gangster lumberjack bisexual that is in tune with his feelings and makes 18 million a year anyone else go through that occasional phase where toast and butter is just the tastiest [ __ ] creation on the planet and you have to restrain yourself from eating an entire loaf of bread in 10 minutes or is it just me i think it might just be you lane if i drop my hammer on a job site and it falls 30 feet onto someone's head is that involuntary manslaughter or would osha step in and protect me because he didn't wear a hard hat um that's a good question not for me do you ever eat popcorn out of the palm of your own hand with such art and desperation that you feel like both a wild horse and the gentle school girl feeding it treats to gain its affection this is the funniest thing i've ever read if you could only teleport somewhere to and back once what would you use it on how long do i stay you can teleport back whenever you want i would teleport to the foot of quentin tarantino's bed at like 2 a.m scream and shake his bed then teleport back what the [ __ ] the population of scotland is around 5.25 million and there are 600 million cats in the world so if every cat decided to invade scotland each scott would have to fight off around 114 cats each and i really don't think they could pull it off probably not going to teach my kids one not to talk to strangers two who tony hawk is three tony hawk is not a stranger you can talk to him do not embarrass this family i'm sure sex is great but have you ever gotten stoned and eaten a burrito alone in your underwear and dozed off in the middle of it and then been startled awake by a loud sound on tv and so resumed eating your burrito unsure of how many times or hours or even days have passed went out with a guy and he gave me his phone to pick the playlist in the car he had a playlist called sexy time so naturally i chose that one it was nine hours of non-stop songs about coal miners going on strike we are going out again tomorrow how is it that the madame tussauds wax model of mark zuckerberg looks way more like a real person than mark zuckerberg does oh my god it's snowing again you know the drill we say roads are getting slick tell you to stay home most of you do some of you can't some of you like to slide around to pick up cheetos at the gas station it is what it is director give me an expression that says i just ate your butterfly collection and i have seven scented erasers in my booty willem dafoe where can i buy a frog not for sexual reasons i am in the market for a frog but don't know where or what kind of frog i want to get a frog from i would like the frog not for sexual reasons to be blue any information is helpful and thanks in advance for the people who may help me on my journey to acquire my dream pet smile guess what i'm good at imitating mecha neck boys are always like what the [ __ ] you never hang out with me first of all your idea of hanging out is getting me high while your mom is at work and then trying to [ __ ] me while naruto plays in the background yikes honestly when aliens arrive we should start having sex with them as soon as possible so when they decide to take over a lot of them already have emotional connections or physical offspring and will form a sizeable resistance not me i don't want to but i know a lot of you would be into that and i'm telling you it's okay you're actually the last hope for our species thank you op this means a lot i really do love this time of year the christmas music the twinkle lights the woman in front of me in a line at costco who just told her husband we can give your cousin a pile of dog [ __ ] for all i care imagine you're a middle-aged mom and you let your teenager invite some friends over and you bring them like laminating cookies and crap and 10 years later you find out one of those kids joined a band and wrote a top 100 song about how you were his puberty fueled teenage sex dream and you have to spend the early 2000's listening to it play on overhead speakers every time you visit the mall because you tried to let your teenage daughter stacey have a social life i picked up like a little bit of this and i'm not going to read it again we're going to go to the next post my co-worker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in north dakota back in 1973 and didn't try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled get the hell out of here dennis and that's probably my favorite story ever me you know when someone else is in the stall next to you when you have a standoff where you both refuse to poop first i feel like that's what betty blight and the queen are doing but about dying my dentist i said stop talking marilyn manson looks like he's about to ask if i've been eating well and not for being casserole what do you think is the biggest red flag when it comes to dating when she says she's been in love with you for years ditches her husband moves across country to be with you [ __ ] you 17 times in three days begins talking about a future together makes you feel the happiest you've felt in years isn't home when you get home from work cash box has been broken into two thousand dollars your laptop your cell phone your favorite leather jacket gone call the police and get told it's not burglary since she was there for more than 24 hours she calls six days later says she went back to her husband and sold all your stuff asks if you'll take her back i think that's a pretty big red flag my dude are you good we put the cheese on top of the lettuce on our tacos so it falls off and gets on your lap and all over your car you piece of [ __ ] i love you taco bell i have no idea how teachers do it man if i had to teach algebra to some jackass knowing he's gonna join a frat and harass girls for four years before getting a job at his daddy's business where he listens to joe rogan podcasts and makes three times my salary i would become the joker a woman will break your heart but your friend ricky will break your ds light because he sat on it and he really should pay for it but his mom is taking his side and she's not making him pay for it which sucks sees somebody on twitter who is more successful than me i gotta get off this website switches to instagram and see someone hotter than me man [ __ ] this app goes on facebook and sees a guy i went to middle school with is in jail for murder there we go life is basically this one you get born without your consent two grow up three you realize everyone is sad nothing matters and nobody has any answers four you eat cold spaghetti over the sink and think about life five not bad you think gazing out the kitchen window at the night sky boy yeah yep i have a recurring fantasy where i'm at a mcdonald's in the 1970s i finish a 10 cent burger take a long drag of a cigarette and flick a few cinders in a ronald mcdonald ash tray my child is peeing in the ball pit he waves i wave back humans and sci-fi stupid artificial beings lull they don't have feelings so you can treat them like [ __ ] humans in real life i put googly eyes on my toaster his name is james now and i will protect him with my life my cat permanently looks like you just told him the grocery store ran out of salami that is very specific and it's true a sapiosexual is one who is attracted to or aroused by intelligence and others women will poach it like this than data mf who puts his finger under each word when he reads people may not realize this but you can put a coffee pot in any room you want no one can stop you that is true if i could give any advice to my eight-year-old self stop talking about how much you like owls all the time you're about to get worthless owl things for every holiday until you're 20. start talking about how much you like cold hard cash do not let the geese in the building they do not work here well give them a [ __ ] application then my mom hey graeme how's your game going me age nine playing roller coaster tycoon and building an unfinished roller coaster that launches people over the fence into my rival park so when they crash and die they technically died at the rival park driving down their ratings well this is actual advice the news is giving to southerners for driving in snow if you rarely drive on snow just pretend you're taking your grandma to church there's a platter of biscuits and two gallons of sweet tea and glass jars in the back seat she's wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy you know what i feel like a lot of people got a lot better at driving in snow that night first date thanks don't let her know you're a brontosaurus seize waiter cranes my 30 feet neck towards him yeah can i get a ton of [ __ ] leaves that'll work lie to her that i can play chess now she wants to play me online how do i learn chess in 30 minutes make her use white open another chess app as white play her moves and reply with whatever the computer plays this [ __ ] is too easy this big brain did you ever think about all the shady [ __ ] places you went to when you were like 15 or 16 and lie to your parents about it wondering how the hell you're actually still alive and not buried in a shallow grave still clutching that bottle of uv blue bird watching is so perverted you blow a little noise maker that shouts wanna wanna [ __ ] and then a bird shows up wanting to [ __ ] you're like i see you through my binoculars sick behavior twisted behavior [ __ ] beat you in monopoly by one dollar yet want you to let them sleep over when their house burns down like just stay at one of those hotels on boardwalks since you own all the property i think the white people don't like spicy food thing mostly applies to the middle to upper class whites because every redneck i know buys hot sauces with names like [ __ ] prolapser and [ __ ] liquefier every time they go to ace hardware i had a hot sauce once called ass in the tub it was pretty hot and well ladies and gentlemen that brings us to the end of our slash suspiciously specific thank you all so much for watching if you enjoyed what you saw be sure to that subscribe button in the bell so you get notified every time easy peasy uploads and if you want to see more from me my personal channel zach's fuller is linked in the description below thanks again for watching and until next time i'll see you around

Channel: EzPz

Views: 66,100

Keywords: reddit, reddit top posts, reddit best posts, reddit top posts of all time, top posts of all time, top posts, best posts, posts, reddit posts, reddit funny, r/, subreddit, top all time, reddit true stories

Id: cNSsz-Fv9tU

Length: 14min 9sec (849 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 10 2021