Ron White - A Little Unprofessional (2012) [Full Album] [Audio]

Video Statistics and Information

Video

Captions Word Cloud

Captions

taxes how the hell are you yeah it's so great to be back in Austin Texas man I just have so much fun when I'm here I see so many friends thanks for coming out I was in Bakersfield California Wednesday night boy you people think you're stupid last time I was in Austin was the first time I've ever blatantly been offered a three-way and I turned it down because was one of those deals where it was two dudes and me I don't even watch two and a half man we flew in from Los Angeles and we were going through LA actually go through screening and this guy's just losing his fucking mind because I guess he doesn't travel that much he's not used to this equipment and he's just going crazy you know you can have fun with that you can do what I do I take two viagra and demand a pat-down what's that your pants mr. white I know I did you're gonna need to Pat that down pat it back up again give it a couple twists see if it took to anything you might want to go wash your hands I started this tour this summer in Las Vegas and while I was in Vegas I broke this tooth off at the gum line in an alcohol swimming pool were later than sedan [Applause] I had a show to do in four hours that was drunk and missing a tooth it looked a little unprofessional not to me but to the fine folks at the Mirage you goddamn sure did I told him I said you got to get a dentist to patch this up I will not go on stage looking like this because this tooth doesn't look that big until it's gone they found that all-night dental school this Dennis is 14 years old he hooks me up for the gasps and I don't feel anything I'm like dude you turn this gas up and he goes they're regulations the state of Nevada state in which code one second ball and I asked him I said where'd you go to college it goes Brigham Young fuck dude turn it up to Catholic never let a Mormon say you're buzzed level never don't do it and I'll tell you why they don't understand fucked up the way you and I do they don't they're guessing and their shitty guessers when he got through with the procedure you can still tell which two he worked on because it was a different color my teeth look like Indian corn I had to go to my dentist who's pitching veneers for my teeth because he says I'm doing Lance green high-definition television which is nobody's Frantz Fanon every actor I know in Hollywood rather have low definition narrow screen TVs so they look thin and fuzzy instead of clearly fat I would like to see my dick on a screen TV that way I quit looking at it through my reading glasses what days on baby it looks bigger than food I had no idea of expensive veneers where man they wanted to do eight teeth on the top and six teeth on the bottom and I was like well how much does that cost he says $27,500 fuck how much is dental school I'll teach my mother how to do it you're going back to college mom I never went to college grab this be fun for you then it was a weird week and I knew it was gonna be a weird week because it started off weird I was gonna go to Vegas and day or early to do some media and I wanted to see the show called love that's also at the Mirage beetle Cirque du Soleil show fantastic fuckin child and so I was talking about my wife and I living in Atlanta and Hollywood and we were out in California and I said I'm leaving today at 3:30 to go to Las Vegas and I have an airplane that you guys bought me I like it a lot after the fortune 500 company in America of let go their private jets not wrongful I think I'm flying this son of a bitch straight into bankruptcy I guarantee you one day I'll be living in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet and I'll have a jet with weaves growing through it I'll be in the front seat go push me around huh and I don't come for money I come from the opposite of money I come from no money ten years ago I lived in a camper in my friends backyard he didn't even know I was there he wasn't even in a nice camera it was like a homemade pop-up camera like somebody who duct tape the tent to a golf cart I had a 20-inch Coleman television I had to pump it up during commercials you couldn't watch porn on it because nobody's actual hurt in Haiti [Applause] I would broke I owe the IRS a bunch of money because I don't understand how that works it's confusing when I started doing stand-up they said that made me an independent contractor and they said I needed to start filing my taxes quarterly which I thought meant every 25 years my brain won't wrap itself around shift that complicated minute my brain does this that's it that's all it does I have attention deficit disorder have learning disabilities I don't have a high school diploma I'm smart but you can't prove it on paper I do have a GED and if you don't know what GED stands for you probably got one too [Applause] anyway I told my wife that I'm leaving today 3:30 to go to Vegas my wife singer songwriter composer Margo raised her name and a brilliantly talented woman and and she says well I'm working with a guitar player in the studio till five o'clock you can't wait till 5:30 so I can plan with you and I said can you be there at 5:30 and she said yes which I knew was a lock to see the biggest liar in my life when it comes to how long it's gonna take her to get somewhere I hear on the phone all the time just lying through her teeth it's we're two exits away traffic is really heavy we should be there in 15 minutes like you're in the fucking bathtub we wouldn't be there in 15 minutes if we were where you said we were but I told her I said you get there 5:30 you fly with me but let me tell you something sugar tits at 5:30 one item wheels up and I am fucking gone I said that not very loud but I said it 5:31 gets there is she there no do I leave no 6:01 gets there is she there no do I leave no why because this dick won't suck itself that's why it won't I've asked you too many many times in fact the other day I sat my dick down I looked him straight nine and cinah listen I know I've drugged you into some pretty muddy shit in the last 35 year that need you to get past that learn how to suck yourself so I can grow a spine and get on my goddamn life it went in one ear and out the other my dick has ears it has an eye and it has two ears and a double chin mr. Potato dick the cutest thing you ever saw I got little outfits to put on one of them to raincoat not a condom a wrinkled yellow slicker with that hat looks like that fishing chips dude it's the exact same size as the one on the box that's just an interesting fact what is it run in the interesting back anyway so we go see love and Beatles circus of a show of huge fan of the Beatles and I just love their music always have and cirques always fun and there are shows are at the same time so I've never been able to see it and I got eight people from my camp my wife sitting next to me we have great seats because I work for the Mirage and everything is perfect except right behind me these two chicks are just jabbering not about the show just jabber and Jamie Jamie can't shut up JP JP won't shut up Jamie fucking jaybird fuckin gaben gaben the kind of chicks that could talk around a blowjob alone I told my own APO picked up god damn screen door I'm gonna supply cafe long I come on one more time at maybe got a shitty diaper ever anything I'm all god damn I'll go to swap meet getting dressed we're at Arby's on Sunday long haul and I turn around and look I notice their husbands work with them I figure they're at a gun show trying to find a way out of this fucking thing well that's way better I hear the guys sitting next to him go hey could you hold it down my family's trying to watch the show and she goes fuck you we paid our money whatever the hell we want I'm just steaming fucking piss they're ruining my goddamn night I can't hear anything with that I've been waiting for a year to fucking see this show and I turned around and very politely don't start with me very politely I said lady talking to her life theater as far as social skills goes is like shitting in the street because you better mind your own business I said you better quit shitting in the street because I'll have you thrown out of here I said if you don't quit flapping your fucking cock halter everybody heard that the poor is a little disturbance right behind me very few people for every two thousand then 1,700 people hear me go if you don't quit flapping your fucking cock this all had a show called love by the way had her murdered and buried in the desert Vegas baby careful who you fuck with and legend has it if you go out into the desert and the moon is full and the wind dies down you can still hear jabbering I'm a street cheater I'm shitting in the street did you what the fuck was that that's that chick Ron killed they call this jabber Gulch my favorite thing about playing Vegas is I get to play this golf course called shadow Creek which is one of the most exclusive golf courses in the world I worked for him three years didn't even know it existed because they knew if I found out it existed that I pestered the fuck out up until they put it in my contract which is exactly what happened it's amazing this golf course it's just fucking so tricked out the first time I walked through the gates that was like nobody stopping me it's where all the pros play when they're in Vegas and I was out through this summer and Tiger Woods was out there just peeking around I'm a sign my golf Alif I got to be the most famous person I've ever met and I know a lot of famous people but nobody as famous as Tiger fucking woods I love Tiger man I defended Tiger when all that stuff first came out when I heard those initial rumors I felt sick to my goddamn stomach for the guy because I've never been accused of doing anything I didn't do not one goddamn time I did it every single time not once could I go no that was Glen Campbell hey a lot of things smell like strippers and I defended him to my wife I see you don't know what this guy's been through his first famous golf shot on television when he was 2 years old you don't know when his home laughs like he can't judge the guy because he made one mistake and then he gets got number 13 14 15 the same things I started going goddamn tiger come on buddy and it got to the point where every time he got caught with another woman my wife would go like this what I don't even know the fucking guy you act like I was holding his dick the whole time we watch to make that long apology on television and afterwards my life coz what do you think a guy like tiger can quit cheating on his wife and I said you bet what you know is bullshit because you know as well as I do if a guy likes trains getting them to quit one strange it's like getting a dog who likes to kill chickens to quit killing chickens they don't even know what you're talking about you got to quit killing chickens all right let me see if I got this trick I can still kill chickens [Applause] no you can't kill chickens anymore all right let's say I'm in a hotel room with the chicken let's say the chicken just wants to touch me cannot kill that chicken now my wife told me all women want the same thing they want to marry somebody who will never have sex with anybody else no matter what and I said well then maybe you should consider marrying somebody that nobody else wants to fuck if it means that much to you don't marry the most famous golfer in the world marry the most famous frisbee golfer in the world ain't no land to fuck that dude we had a chat about cheating that day when my wife told me she goes listen let's get this straight sex is sex period I said no now wait a minute oral sex is not the same as intercourse she goes it's the exact same thing I said it's not the same price [Applause] I heard that on the radio it all comes down to opportunity man some guys are put into a position where they have to say no to beautiful women and that is hard to do and some guys are never put in that position and that's way fucking easier I see these big 350-pound guys all the time going I have never cheated on my wife I'm like I bet that was tough Tiger doesn't get any credit for all that puss that you turned down and that's the number you're looking for right there my wife's best friend her husband cheated on her and my wife hates Tigers guts and I'm like what about that guy you don't hate that guy she goes he did it one time I said he had one chance this guy had sex with a hundred percent of the women he possibly could his entire goddamn life Tiger was 18 for 80 mm that takes a little goddamn discipline right there if 82,000 women want to have sex with you and you only fuck 18 of them that's love he was in love with that woman she broke his tiny Tiger apart he lost all those sponsors which never made sense to me because his core fan bases men I don't know one guy in America gave him a Fiddler's fuck what he did I guarantee it not one guy in America we're really Tiger got some strength pussy up droppin a deity now one guy gave me Fiddler's now when they were around their wives and act like they gave a Fiddler's fuck get all foghorn leghorn why I never I can't believe a man would commit such transgressions fools his wife I say I say how's his relationship with the Lord I'd like to know that it says there and they're buddies like wonder what kind of Cologne he wears I want to smell just like that dude man you lost so many sponsors I'm thinking about bringing him over to Ron White Inc and not because we need a new face for the company I just love to have somebody around the house to fade the heat when I fuck up Ron White you're the most selfish prick I have ever met in my life Tiger get in here you tell her what you did [Applause] Ron white you're the finest man I have ever known I shall fall to my bended knee and suckle your peanuts well thank you for having slowed down watch out for those ears my new year's resolution this year was to lose some weight and try to get in better shape and I was working out yesterday and I hurt that fat I sprained my fat roll everybody might games on my ass about taking better care of myself I'm like what my wife bought me a bicycle thing and I might ride it it's for sale it's a good deal too it's like new it's got 750 yards on it my wife wants me to start doing yoga with her and I said like baby I'm not that flexible hun she goes you bend over and touch your toes game is it the only way I could touch my toes somebody cuts a mountain hands up Timmy I can't even stand on one foot unless somebody's shining a flashlight my I thought this is funny we were at my wife yoga school the other day and they have a vegan restaurant there and my wife goes why don't we eat here we've never eaten here and I said fine let's eat here because this dick won't suck itself it's all about compromise folks and I take my tray around all the bean sprout piles and I get to the cash register and my tray is empty and the purple dreadlocks your kid that runs the cash register goes mr. white aren't you gonna have something for lunch and I said there's just another near that I eat when he picks up a piece of carrot cake wrapped in cellophane he hands to me goes try this it's vegetarian the carrot cake is vegetarian yeah so you mean to tell me there's no ham in this because my mother makes a meat lovers carrot cake it's got sausage pepperoni hamburger me not really heart-healthy she serves it with a Lipitor and a stent [Applause] they have Snuggies now for dogs and i love dogs but if i ever see a dog wearing a Snuggie i'm gonna kill it because that's what i think the dog would want me to do i think of all dogs go to heaven Michael Vick's gonna be a little nervous to be making the cut no there's gonna be an awkward pause at the pearly gates really they're all here yeah it seems like they're waiting on you to my I'm gonna slip off to hail don't bin Laden I said fuck you we got bin Laden man it took 10 years it wasn't exactly a calf rope he was in that house for six years with five wives I would have shot my fucking self I'd have had my head out the window screaming at drones going on [Applause] women we have little french bulldog named pearl and the other day my wife said I finally figured it out that dog is jealous of me that dog loves you so much she can't stand it if I'm in the same room with you and I said oh don't be ridiculous and she walked into the kitchen and when she did pearl jumped on my stomach and said I can have all your babies at the same time she's coming back act like nothing's going on nothing is going on I didn't know whether to buy more of that weed or never smoke it again I went with a I got busted with weed in Florida last year less than a gram of weed and they took my happy ass to jail I've been partying in Florida for years I didn't even know they had laws looked to me like everybody just run them up down there and I'll run amuck with you I will run the fuck out of amok with you [Applause] they took me to jail them and I'll tell you what happened I fired these two pilots from being dickheads and there were such dickheads they started following my plane around on a software called FlightAware and if you know the tail number you can follow any plane in the world anywhere it goes and then right before I'd landed in a town they call the cops tell them is the drug plane so the cops are come with me that's pretty fucking funny then they were on the news in Atlanta where I live both of these assholes live on the news going Ron White is out of control he gets drunk on his plane he smokes pot on his plane he has sex on his plane I'm like this is my plane we're talking about right no like I did that shit on a Delta flight for fuck's sake [Applause] no my phone's off [Music] my wife got pissed at me when I got busted with that wiener and she smokes pot it's the fuck is up with that I come home she goes you smoke too much pot so no let me get this straight you smoked the correct amount of pot you ever smoked so much pot your wife starts to make sense me either I have this reoccurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus does that make me a bad person I'm driving the bus give me baby [Music] [Music] early last year in Florida Sea World of Florida an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale huh turns out there's a reason they didn't name him ocean ponies some things are exactly as they seem folks killer whales kill pilot whales wear dark sunglasses I'm not sure how the sperm whale got his name but I'm not getting in the pool that whale got his job back they put that whale back in the show now I when I first saw it on the internet but this will be world news wouldn't even news at all they put the whale back at this this whale killed three people this is a serial killer whale and he got his job back if that would happen in SeaWorld in Texas that way I would have gone straight to the fucking electric pool and that's just a regular pool with a toaster thrown in it people think they're expensive to make but it's like 14 bucks you can reuse the extension cord people don't know that would get another toaster they busted a sushi restaurant last year and in LA selling whale and they find him two hundred thousand bucks and that is so fucking wrong man to take a 50,000 pound majestic animal and serve it up to tiny slices at a time are you fucking oh that's good got any more shit shall we do we have a shit road we megabee come on I don't know I got caught maybe that 14-foot fan hanging out of the dumpster I spoke rosary yeah probably should've crows a red I live in Atlanta half the year last summer in Atlanta and idiot teenager was decapitated at a major amusement park in Atlanta on a very famous roller coaster and now what I thought happened was it was all the rides stood up got his head cut off that's not what happened what that was while he was on the ride his hat flew off and when he got off the ride he climbed over two fences and went through two gates telling him not to to retrieve this hat which it turns out he didn't really need after all [Applause] while that story is dripping with irony mr. white the part of the show where I proved my job better than yours cheers you guys are fantastic thank you so much I was at home last week and my nephew called our house and I never answered the phone of my house ever and I think he was surprised that I did answer the phone he goes oh cool is that you I said yeah it's me he goes uncle Ron did you know it's okay to be gay just why don't answer the fucking phone at my house right there now it's my problem and my way you're right it is okay to be gay do you know what gay means he goes that's where a man likes a man or a woman likes a woman but they can't have babies pretty close you believe that six years old this kid knows what game I didn't find out what game man till I started each packet I wrote a book seven silly secrets truckers just don't want you to know my wife and I are big fans of the reality TV show on HBO called pornucopia sex in the valley the reality show about the pornography industry in the San Fernando Valley which where most of it's made and we bought the first season cos fucking hilarious and this one episode was about guys that were straight porn stars but they were doing gay porn because it pays five times the money and their air view in this guy and he goes yeah I was in a scene yesterday with five guys at the same time and I'm not even gay I was like they're gay and I am [Applause] if you can even think of what to do with five digs at the same time you're way fucking gayer than I am I was having new there's a gay part of my show I was having dinner the other night with this CBS executive and I've known for years great fucking dude man and he's gay and I've never said a word to him about being gay I just knew that it was and we're having dinner in Beverly Hills and talking about a potential show and there's chick walks into the restaurant that's la smoking fuckin hot man probably an actress or a model and she was in the old foot means I don't care if she has two children I don't think the letters line up but that's what it man she says that a table kind of near us by herself and I'd had a couple balls alone was the dinner and a couple scotches before that and I was pretty drunk and I said you mean to tell me that that does nothing for you and he looked at and he goes not a thing I said you mean you would rather have sex with me than her not by much [Applause] what if I lost some weight I'm doing yoga and I'm eating ham free carrot cake my big has ears as my favorite thing about LA is the people out they're just so goddamn pretty man I'll tell you how it happened back in the 20s they started making movies out there and and when they did all these beautiful people from all over America flocked to fuck out there to be in the movies and they couldn't all be in the movie someone we got regular job but they met those people that were in the movies they got together they had these beautiful babies and those babies grew up and met other babies from the same area and they got together and had even more beautiful babies and almost the exact opposite thing is happening right now in Kansas Kansas is full of ugly quitters have you ever been there it's true those people who live on the fucking west coast their forefathers got on the working trail that fought hardships you and I can't even dream love with starvation and weather and crossing the Rocky Mountains not those people in Kansas their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail st. Louis Missouri they got to Kansas said fuck it I'm staying here and then we'll fuck that fat girl right over there we had a baby it looks like a potato in that potato grew up and met another potato from the same town abracadabra Topeka my wife came home from the store the other day and she goes I was in the produce department today and this guy told me I was beautiful well maybe he's right you are beautiful yeah but he said it well I'm saying it now you're beautiful yeah but he said it really ever overdraw his checking account you ever drive his brand-new Mercedes straight through the fuck garage door never happened that guy it happened to me and I think you're so hot I fuck you anyway and if you're one of these guys going around to grocery stores telling married women they're beautiful hey fuck you kill your own chicken mute mother [Applause] my wife's best friend has an autistic child named Louis Louis 12 years old and he was the sweetest child I have ever known known him since he was six and we were at their house Labor Day and Lewis informed me that he was gonna run the 40-yard dash for the Special Olympics at Gwinnett high school and there where I live in Atlanta he asked me if I'd come hoot for him and I said Lewis I'd love to come hoot for you I just need to check my schedule and he goes we checked it you're clear well then I'm your man Louis and I got to admit I was dreading it then I ended up having fun I thought it was gonna be sad that's why I was dreaded it's a celebration is what it is people are tailgating they're not painting their faces in belly's blue but they're cooking sausages getting hammered betting on these races make no mistake about it they are betting on these races and it's not easy to handicap a race you got 17 special needs kids in six lanes you don't know what the fuck's gonna happen when they fire that starting bizzle they could scatter stop drop and roll we saw it all that day they're not drug testing these kids and they announced the 40-yard dash and I was making a little wager on my man Lewis which I did for a hundred bucks and I was looking down at the track I'm up in the stands and I'm trying to figure out which one's Lewis which didn't easy because they all wear the exact same thing they wear special olympics t-shirt special olympics shores which they got that day but you can wear whatever footwear you want and Lewis for whatever reason had chosen yellow rubber boots we didn't make sense at first and then it started raining fuck if this thing goes offroad I got a natural mutter and Lewis won the yellow blur that's what I call him now the yellow blur is my he loves that nickname his mother called me another date she goes would you please call Lewis the yellow blur but him on a file you're the yellow blur it's not like professional sports you go to a Lakers game you wait with Kobe Bryant till your arm falls off he won't wait back to you Lewis way back to you in the middle of a fucking race he doesn't give a shit Lewis fan-friendly Lewis we'll stop sign an autograph that yellow blur took my son tater tots to Europe for summer my son is 21 years old now he's in college getting his master's an entertainment business he's a great kid and he's I'm so proud of me smart he's funny he has my brains high-end peaks without my low end problem cinema that's some good goddamn news for daddy right there we've been monitoring it he's funny I was doing a corporate gig in Orlando where he goes to college and it was backstage with him and I don't get asked to do a ton of corporate goofs coz what do you want your corporate image to be we were hoping for an overweight alcoholic that smokes in cuffs let's call Lewis see if Ron's free anyway I'm backstage at the green room with my son and I wear wild socks and because I do people give me bizarre socks for whatever reason and I'm backstage with my sight I'm putting on these weird socks and and Marshall goes dad those socks are gay I said chicks dig these socks he goes chicks wear those songs alright he's my kid you can stop those tests I love his mom and his mom's great she's my second life and I never argued with her ever but she didn't want to be married somebody that was always gonna be on the road and the only argument I ever remember having with her was when he was a toddler about whether or not we should spank him and her contention was that if you hadn't argument with an adult and you disagreed with him you certainly wouldn't hit him I said I would have taped peed my face I'm not kidding being my face she what the fuck happened she busted with internet porn when he was fifteen and I felt so sorry for it she called me just squawk and Brian and I felt horrible for the kid because when I was fifteen I was so horny I could jack off to the Sears catalog and that's just big-girl panties and lawnmowers I can't imagine me at 15 years old and having an unstoppable stream of glory knocker be piped straight into your goddamn bedroom when I was a kid I had to earn porn man you had to wait till your friend's dad went out of town on business you had to pull down a rickety spring-loaded attic ladder you had to crawl up into a dusty spider ridden fucking crawlspace bores through cardboard boxes till you find an eight millimeter reel then what learn how to work a fucking projector that's what and after all that you got silent bushy porn and if there was a soundtrack it was always so fucked up you couldn't understand it buh-buh-buh-buh-buh you gotta stick his finger in her ear no his penis in her rear watch a movie we had one friend there was two years younger than us and he went she put it in her mouth I didn't know she was gonna put it in her mouth she's gonna need to brush her teeth not yet but she will watch the film [Applause] note to self put it in her mouth so Lori told me she goes that's my wife's name is because you're gonna need to talk to your son about sex it's time and I said well you're right it is and she goes when are you gonna do it run a city's gonna be at the house this weekend so I'll talk to him then and said okay fine I said Marcia turn off television turn it off I need to talk to you all right I said I want to talk to you about sex yes Oh dad come on help you're 15 years old it's time we had this talk and he goes okay I said the clitoris is as sensitive as an eyeball [Music] is that it that's all I got don't go over up a donut if it's dry turn that TV back on boy what about safe sex daddy is never safe their husbands always come home that's a fucking min he's so smart man I just can't believe how smart kids are today he can answer any question that you can come up with in two seconds off his phone he's a computer for e to anyway but you ask any question doesn't matter world geography world history a note and a song written 300 years ago clearly youth there it is when I was a kid I had to believe my mother that's it that's all I had mommy where the rainbows come from well 3,000 years ago an 800 year old man named Noah was commissioned by the Lord to build a giant ship and all the animals - bye - you trying to run that crap by a kid today they're like click-click bullshit kliklak porn people fucking on the phone my mother didn't know the answer to a question I had to go to the library which is a building where they used to store the knowledge now it's just a place where homeless people piss well my mother used to drop me off at the library when I was a kid I was always so intimidated by it because it was so big and you had to be quiet because the knowledge is sleeping and you had to learn a decimal system made up by some fuck named Dewey then you had to peruse a hundred thousand-square-foot built it with volumes of knowledge from floor to ceiling seal on the floor you had to cross-reference Dewey's bullshit with the author's name in the card catalog and you finally get to the place where the dollars that you seek is supposed to be and it might not fucking be there where's the knowledge that I seek yes somebody else has got it what are they gonna bring it back they keep it for a month burn nickel how am I supposed to learn what I need to know you ask your mother my mother doesn't know how to work a projector she's in dental school for fuck's sake [Applause] don't try to do the math on that bit it'll just suck you know the guy actually stopped my show a few weeks ago and he goes when I wait a minute now if this summer you were back in Las Vegas that's when you broke you tooth and that's when your mother went to dental school and now you're 7 years old you saying your mother's already a dealer but but well that dude really you had no problem with pearl jumping on my stomach and saying she could have all my babies at the same time but the math on this one joke has got you so fucked up you just have to talk daddy the internet changed everything and certainly changed the way people love don't buy music you know that the record industry is on its ear man because what they manufacturer became easier to steal than it is to buy and that's just a fact of nature these days and they'll figure it out but I used to sell millions of comedy albums and now it's hard to sell them because it's just so easy to fucking rip it off you know just click click out of my IRA into your fucking pod when I was a kid you had to get a ride to Sears which is a building you had to find the record Department on your own then you had to cram a 12 inch by 12 inch album down your shorts then you had to spongebob squarepants it with Led Zeppelin to cram down your fucking pants open nobody was gonna catch your head that's stealing music we didn't have viagra you had to like somebody to fuck them I'm kidding you didn't either you didn't either drudge fuck the hell at him we didn't have Blue Mountains on our beer cans to tell you if they were cold you had to open the refrigerator and reach in there and touch that beer can or you'd never know but somebody somewhere went what if we only had some sort of thermostat on each individual hand like a mountains changing the color to see the optimum freakin temperature Thank You Rocky Mountain even though your beer tastes like ass [Applause] those mountains should turn brown [Applause] side tour that's what I do I go from city to city to city to city I've done it for 27 years I've been coming to Austin all 27 of those years from the Velveeta room to the last stop for the capital city council club to the Paramount to the Paramount to the Paramount and the pair of my house is my favorite over the whole life I gonna wear all day I tour with my wife usually and I love the tour of my wife because I only have sex with my wife I don't have sex with other women I've been married three times and that is not always been my policy when I was young I used to talk to my cousin's about this race we were gonna have to see who gets married first I came in second fourth and seventh I felt like my wife misled me a little bit when we first got together because when we first got together she was all about you know what I don't ever want to have children I'm just one of those women never felt the urge to give birth and I don't like real diamonds I don't like them because of that Blood Diamond thing you know what I like to do suck dick and cook I like to suck dick and I like to cook in fact when I'm not cooking I'm sucking dick and when I'm not sucking dick I am cooking in fact if there was a way I could suck your dick while I was cooking if we got a stool and you stood on it and I could blow you while I'm scrambling some eggs wearing fake jewelry not having a baby all at the same time [Applause] that would be heaven for me fuck me - cut - five years later she's on the phone with China trying to adopt a baby she got a diamond on her finger looks like a solar fucking heating unit I'm jacking off eating a TV dinner [Applause] I wonder what she's got out of that Snuggie but she's naked II shit out of that Snuggie we have a great sex life you ever 69 someone so long you start to miss each other then the snow turned to rain [Music] April May and is a food and we can both use shave we did it one time so long it turned into another number what is this a 71 have your toe in my nose what the fuck my wife has a new move in the bedroom my wife's new move in the bedroom is look at me look at me open your eyes run look at me and that's a lot of pressure it is look into the eyes of the woman you love while you're making love and look deep into her soul and still see another woman but the fuck are you doing here I thought you got hit by a bus I'm great at sex I come every time I'm like 4000 in a row or some ridiculous goddamn number of gifted really I guess my wife's maybe a third as good as me I don't think she's trying I asked her the other day what's the fucking problem here baby she goes well for one thing there's a fat sweaty guy laying on top of me will that break my concentration get off me dude I'm trying to come that's not true what I'm about to cum I have to focus up a Navy SEAL on me afterwards I lay there like a wounded manatee poke him with his dick see if he knew my wife gives the best head if you ever have a chance first time my wife give me a blowjob my hands when my Mike I'm either having a stroke or this girl knows her way around all winter and I told her when she got finished I said that's the best damn blow job I ever had in my life by a lot and she goes I know it's kind of weird because I used to be not that good at it I was talking to my friend Ted the floors who lived down the street and I just asked him how he does it you suck my dick like Ted the florist that motherfucker knows what he's doing I'm doing that now every time I see Ted I'm like you're doping to school dude call it tans head tulips for every occasion you could open ahead and breakfast well then what would my slogan be food it's the only thing that doesn't suck you guys have been fantastic I'm gonna close with my oh so nobody's watching the dogs I guess I'll try to get pearl to play by my face Pearl's favorite things you could have owned that babies at the same time her favorite thing in the world is for me to bite her face because she's like a billy goat fuckin elbow or whatever it has no feeling it so if I lay down on the floor sometimes if she didn't do it last show so you have to be quiet sure if I tell her to by my face she'll grow and jump up and land or mouth right on my face so I'll bite it so let's try it [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] well that went way better than I thought it would [Applause] now I'm gonna I'm gonna close the show this evening with my doctor pill story dr. Phil McGraw is a as a friend of mine we play golf together all the time out in Los Angeles and he's a great guy you never know me we became friends from him being a fan and you never know if you see somebody on TV what they're gonna be like in person Doc's a solid fucking dude I guarantee you that he's straight as he can be but he's a great fucking hang and he's a great asset for me my father passed away when I was young and now I'm in this big business world and I can bounce all these things that I have going on off a dock and it's 35 lawyers and that's a big deal for me and I'm a really good friends with his son J McGraw anyway the other day I was talking to my son about self-esteem and a few days later I was playing golf at doc and I said doc if you were gonna tell somebody one thing to do to make themselves feel better about who they are what would it be and he said finish the things you star and I said well that's that's brilliant and I went home and there was a half a bottle of scotch sitting okay I think I know what he's getting at that's not my dr. bill story here's my dog feels for every year doc and his family rent a yacht for 12 days in the Mediterranean and that's their vacation and it's the only way he can get away you know because he is the most famous person in America he's the most recognizable face six foot four bald dome head poor and must that you can spot him from any bucket away and because he seemed so approachable on television and he really is approachable I mean a sweetheart of a dude but people are always anytime he goes out in public there's no what about this and that's fine at first but eventually it will eat the skin off your fucking bones if you can't walk out of your house without somebody going hey my brother-in-law all fucked up man not one of you said I've just come back here ah and that's exactly how it happens I've seen it and so that's what they do well last this summer my wife and I went on vacation to france and monaco and and i you know i need a break too sometimes I do 140 cities a year I worked I do more dates than any other comic the more cities than any other comic work of the day because I just love like I'm doing it and 20 minutes from now nobody's gonna give a fuck about what I have to say while they do I believe I'll do a lot of shows so we're in france and monaco and and having a great time and we're just i'm really in love with my wife she's so much fucked so talented we have a fun life together and and we were there and then one day the phone rings and it's doc and he goes aren't you guys in Monaco and I said yeah he goes we're gonna be in Monaco tomorrow why don't you come party on the yacht and I said fuck yeah which is what you say if somebody said you want to come party on the I you fuck yeah in fact let's try it one time you won't come party on the yacht I don't have a yacht so I was like yeah fuck this is great man we're excited we were down there we were staying at the Paramount hotel overlooking Louisville yacht harbor in Monaco very cool place and we were down there looking at the yachts the day before going wouldn't it be cool if you knew somebody they had one of these things you could just hop on it and fucking throw the fuck down and and it's everybody shot man this is yacht heaven this is Steve Wynn Jon Prince Albert of Monaco job this is that Russian dude with a tiny giraffes anyway they're coming in at 6:30 the next evening so the next morning we wake up or next afternoon if we wake up you'll have this amazing lunch we're drinking this a fucking great wine from France probably that'd be my guess if I had to guess and I did have to guess France and we're just having a great great day sex is just a fucking and then we go down to the fucking Harbor that evening 6:30 sure enough docks backing in 165 foot yacht I'm not sure that's how they do it now the other way to get on the guys to walk on this gangplank to get on the yacht and I'm walking on the game-playing going nobody's stopping me and we get on the Ottoman there's our friends from California halfway around the world you fucking kidding me how much fun are we having I'm a hug and airplay there's a bunch of people on yeah well any time I'm hugging you and I'm in and in a strange place what I'm really doing is looking over your shoulder trying to find a bar that's why I'm turning you [Music] and I see the bar and rap the dead front soon of the bar is a bottle of famous black grouse which is a scotch I started drinking when I was in Scotland we did for the Open Championship at Turnberry and you started looking at what the Scots drink and that's what HOH and I'm like oh yes and there they had a bottle of it on the fuckin it's kind of hard to find and the bartender pulled me up big ol glass of whiskey way bigger than this one and I'm like I'm in such a great mood it tasted better than I ever tasted any fucking Scotch ever I'm like good lord was it that tastes like butter honey aged and Lindsay Lohan's pussy ear [Applause] it takes it so good I decided to skip dinner and just have a couple more of them I'm gonna scare me up another one of these on whoa about one more fire I had a drink since lunch I was looking thirsty I was going at it you know and Doc noticed I was really drinking hard and he goes boy you're really drinking tonight Ron I said yeah doc sometimes it just tastes like spring water he goes why don't you just drink spring water Ron I don't know I'm not a fucking doctor [Applause] so this is going on four fucking hours Alan now they really love Margot they're really really love my wife Margo Margo sung on dr. Phil show a few times and they go everywhere to see her and Margot is a four and a half octave classically trained opera singer that sings rock and roll in jazz and whatever she's been singing here for years and and Robin McGraw loves to go to my wife into singing and my wife loves to be goaded into singing so they make a great little fucking team and so we're on the back of this job and Robin goes come on Marco same forest and gets up there's people on the back partying on all these jobs and the bars on the pier people out there and Margot gets up and she sings that they love jazz in france and monaco they have jazz clubs all over the place and she gives up and she sings a jazz standard at full voice which i don't get to hear her singing at full boys she sings around the house but not a full voice and when she sings in full voice it makes me cry and oh no and she finishes the first song at full voice and people stand up on the back of all these jaws and start cheering there yeah and like oh how cool is this man they really dig jazz I forgot how much they dig jazz she gets up sings another song fucking screaming and then people are gathering up around the back of the boat and by song for there's 400 people behind this boat listening to her sing you could hear a pin drop just like this pin drop and she just killing it and I have a little secret I'm fucking hammered man I am so drunk I can't even believe it my fucking self how drunk I am and I was I would take I got to get a drink and I take one little sip out of it I talk somebody I look back in this empty and like anybody else bringing down this glass miscalculations anyway she does seven or eight songs and she goes okay guys that's enough and she sits down and I goes well Ron you want to do something now I got to preface this with he's on vacation with his best friend and head lawyer and his wife Mary Pat their Babs is from Dallas near a little puck astray and they're about to find out my secret about 20 years ago I was doing a bit that was so filed that I only did it for about a week and I just quit doing it I'm like that's not the direction I want to take my crown for my show and and I have no idea when I picked that night to dust her off and take her for a spin the other day I was dead fuckin Mamie Eisenhower right before I came my dick slipped and went straight down at racheal - here's the moral question do you pull out or dump a load into our lungs yachts are pulling up anchor on both sides up as fast as they can pull them up hang anything in there they're leaving the harbor so fast there's a surfable wait there's a stampede of tiny giraffes diving off the pier swimming towards the ocean and certain dead people are pulling her kids off the pier I don't think they heard me I'm gonna do it again doc goes has enough out of here run and Margo's was tapping me out they've been tapped out she's come on baby it's time to go she's seen it come on honey let's just go back to the hotel it's time for us to go come on baby baby let's just go back the hotel come on Ron I don't know snap never to do it and I speak fluent drunk that means I don't know why I want to have a why don't want to leave you I'm having a perfectly good time turns out there was a consensus Emily okay I'll leave now the only way to get off the ship is to walk back off that gangplank and it said at the end of the gangplank there's an 18 inch drop off and my wife's in front of me markers in front of me and I get to the end of the gangplank got those big staff Ron I said thanks doc thing and I've made a big step toward something fuck I don't know he has a big psychologist I mean [Applause] it's amazing how much speed you could pick up in 18 inches it's nothing like falling over on the same level that you're already on I slammed down to that fucking pier I landed square on this elbow dislocated this shoulder put a 4-inch gash down the back of my arm and I was so drunk I just bounced off that pier [Applause] fade to black I wake up the next morning with the shoe buddies all I can do is lay there in bed and go shoot buddy I can't move my shoulder buddy my shirt stuck to my arm with blood and giraffe hair and whatever the fuck else you find on a beer [Applause] see buddy I have a wet Jolly Rancher in my armpit sourapple had to cut it out with a pair of scissors you almost can't eat them after that [Applause] she Bernie a slowly open my aching fucking eyes and there's Margo what happened you got really drunk last night wrong what did I do well you did the tenth fucking Mamie Eisenhower story did Mary plant laugh [Applause] Mary Pat left is what Mary Pat did she buddy you thinking everybody's back over to party on the yacht today because I don't know what's gonna happen now Ron I don't know walks out of the room slammed the door and I just start berating myself I'm like you know why you do that Ron why do you get so drunk it ruins things for other people why can't you just drink like a regular goddamn person is that too much to ask you have a wonderful son and a beautiful wife a great career why don't you make some changes in your life that I make a difference in the long run about then the phone rang it was dogging he goes you guys are gonna come party on the yacht I said yeah thanks for playing along I've never performed for a better crowd in my goddamn life bless your hearts were listed so intently [Applause]

Info

Channel: Geoff Jacobs

Views: 327,496

Rating: 4.4840083 out of 5

Keywords: Ron White, A Little Unprofessional, 2012, Full Album, Complete Album, Comedy, Audio, Standup Comedy, Austin, Texas, Paramount Theatre, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Cir, Cirque de Soleil, LOVE, Tiger Woods, bin Laden, Pot Bust, Dr Phil, Marriage, Alcohol, Airport Security, Broke Tooth, Get in Shape, All Dogs Go to Heaven, Killer Whale, Sushi, OK to Be Gay, Special Olympics, Stealing Music, Ted's Head

Id: 1pCn-K7C2RY

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 77min 44sec (4664 seconds)

Published: Thu May 31 2018

Reddit Comments