Ron White - Behavioral Problems (2009) [Full Album] [Audio]

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[Applause] thank you and welcome and thank you for a day without rain I want you to know that I just got some great news that I'm excited about I just got a development deal picked up it's a new reality show it's an extreme makeover show for middle-aged lesbians called this old bull dyke we already have a sponsor Wolverine steel-toed boots has picked it up we had another title but the censors nixed it it was originally going to be called pimp my muffin I am staying tonight and or this week at the Hotel 1000 I would like to talk for just a second about their toilets they've got the best toilets ever man they're a maid you won't even believe this have you never seen one of these things number one the this seat is heated now that doesn't sound like a lot but if you're used to a cold toilet seat and then you sit on a warm toilet seat it's not mm-hmm like relaxes your bowel muscles and kind of it just helps you crap you know it's really nice and then on the wall there's some buttons and one of them says rear cleansing and one of them says front cleansing and there's a diagram of a guy sitting on a toilet with a stream of water shooting up his ass so I pushed the button and all the sudden I'm that guy I am I am sitting on the toilet with a stream of water shooting up my ass and it's amazing how accurate this thing is I don't know if everybody's blood holes in the exact same place but this thing has got me dead center then there's another button below that button and it says oscillate and I said why not now I have a rotating stream of water shooting up my ass and it was at that moment that I realized that fifty million gay men can't be wrong I'm singing songs to this toilet I'm in love I honestly love you my wife caught me spreading cake on my ass just so I could go watch it offer is that cage no I gotta go to the bathroom don't wait up I'm gonna try to tell you this story this happened on Tuesday I'm going home from the Petsmart the car with two dogs and a wife and my wife says I got to stop at the bank and I say she entered whatever I said because I don't go in the bank everybody knows that I stay in the car with the dogs and she says I'll be you know five minutes but there's absolutely no such thing as five minutes with this woman and she goes in and I know the dogs need to pee it at our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn that has two signs that both say no dogs so I took my dogs over there this guy comes waddling out of the bank with a big scowl on his face and he goes the sign says no dogs I said the signs wrong but science should say to dogs I saw a commercial the other day and I really don't understand the organization and I really don't understand who they think they're ever going to help and it was for a company called www don't shake a baby calm now I'm not going to get up here and take a big Pro baby shakin stance so you go ahead and relax the animal but I don't know who they're supposed to help because if you're such an inbred meth-head shit look that you would consider shaking a baby the only thing that's going to help you is beheading [Applause] now I know there's people in the audience tonight going but wrong wrong wrong but wrong what if the babies asking for it don't shake a man what if I can't find my car keys and I've looked everywhere yeah even then I went on to www.wymt.com fair it in your ass calm and there's a lot of reasons why you don't want a fair it in your ass because they're not like gerbils they've got fangs and claws shit you don't need in your hands man I got a ferret my ass right now that was at the hotel on the toilet while ago he popped his head out of my blood started washing his face and that little oscillating stream of water that cake [Music] no certainly not cake I got little trouble did you guys hear anything about that I do so that shows in Fort Pierce Florida and we were going to land in Vero Beach Florida and I have an airplane that you guys bought me thank you if not it is really cool and we land bare beach and when we land I look out the window and there's three cops staying in there and which is no big deal to me because cops love me and so the firemen and a lot of times I'll get a police escort from the airport to the venue and this wasn't one of those times I got out of the plane and there was a cop there and he said Mr Wyatt we've been told the third drugs on this plane by an anonymous tip and I said there are absolutely no drugs on that plane now I did have a little bit of weed in my bag but I wasn't on the plane so technically I'm not landing this guy and you know he goes well do you mind if we search the aircraft and I said you absolutely cannot search this aircraft unless you have probable cause because I still have civil liberties you know what I mean I did and they said okay well we just want the drug dog to walk by it a couple times and I said fine and the drug dog walks by a couple times and the guy goes well the dog gave us the signal the third drugs on the plane and I'm like no he didn't that dog didn't do anything I was staring straight at him he didn't wink blink wolf aww what's his signal a blank stare that's all he did because the dog says there's drugs on the plane I'm like well I said there wasn't drugs on the plane who are you gonna believe me the fuck never mind you know now I've got a show to go to they spend an hour and a half going through this plane an hour and a half and I'm just sitting there going oh come on and they get finished of course there is no drugs on the plane and I knew there wasn't and I assume now they're gonna let me go and and I'll go do my show and that's like well that's fine you know whatever and then they go well now the dog needs to sniff that bag on your shoulder and I was like rut ro they found 7h of a gram of marijuana in my bag now when I have 7 H of a gram of marijuana I consider myself to be out of marijuana that is no weed and it's medical marijuana it was prescribed to me by a doctor in California where I live and I told the cop that he said well what did you tell a doctor to get a prescription for marijuana and I said well the doctor said do you have any symptoms that marijuana helps alleviate and I said well I get bummed when I run out of weed marijuana cures that they handcuffed me and put me in the back of a cop car and took me to jail now I'm not worried about that I broke the law that's fine but fuck this is Florida these cops drove by three meth labs and a dead hooker just to get there they process these through county jail now for whatever reason I had a bunch of cash on me I've been on the road for a while and now they got to count in front of me and this guy comes over to go hey man I'm gonna have to count that money and you're gonna have to watch I'm like fuck not you this money isn't banned in $5,000 tax and he picks one of them up and he goes one Mississippi dude he didn't really say mrs. everybody fuckin couldn't do Mississippi and I go you can't do it that way it'll take forever just take the band off and start counting one two three four five when you get to 50 that's 5,000 and just start the next pack and he goes that's a good idea that's what he said so he counts the second stack it he goes hey buddy wait a minute wait a minute there's only 42 in this one I said oh that's okay just get eight more out of this one put it in this one now you have two stacks of 50 that's $10,000 I'm teaching this motherfucker how to count that was in jail for an hour to have and I don't know how where it gets out so fast but when I walk out of the jail there's a big truckload of kids and they have besides it's a free tater I've had the leaders plate off another of his pipes I could fly from LAX to Atlanta to see some lawyers and a dentist the combination platter of wonderful days and and my plane was broken and well my planes broken my friends do not give a shit they're like oh poor PEP is your plane broke and you have to take a commercial flight like every fucking buddy yeah but it's not like it used to be all right do that or I'm going to lose in touch you know because I'm standing in line I got a first-class ticket and I get up to the front of the line and there isn't anybody there it's just a kiosk with the computer terminal and I'm not good at computers and I don't want to touch this thing because this got grease and dirt and what I can only pray to Jesus is meringue but it works pretty good you know I I swiped my card through there and up pops a diagram of the aircraft and it shows all the seats on the plane and it shows which ones are occupied so you can choose your own seat and that is almost a great idea what would make that a great idea is if there was a photograph of the person sitting in that chair in about a five minute bio clip telling you a little bit about on and what their breath smells like alright cuz I picked my seat I'm in first class so as soon as I walk into the cabin I can see my chair and sitting right next to me is a big fat fuck now now I know I'm heavy but I'm not a big fat fuck this guy was a big fat fuck and part of him is in my chair and I don't know if it's part of them I can sit on hey I've got a little tip for the morbidly obese and I don't mean to sound cruel but once you get to 550 pounds stay home and go for the record I'll sponsor you right tater salad c'mon your gut and I'll send peaches over there peaches why wouldn't I send pizzas I'll send peaches and a salad but where would be the comedy mr. white oh so you're all hung up about that huh okay I'm just going to try to do that line right just in case we decide to do it that way I'll send pizzas over there [Applause] oh that is funny he said pizzas Oh mister why boy he's rich tonight I get to Atlanta and I check into the ritz-carlton hotel and the next morning I go to take a shower and there's no hot water and I called the front desk and I tell the girl at the front desk I said there's no hot water and the girl at the front desk said sometimes there's no hot water didn't I just tell you that it's a nice taken $20 a night motels the water was so hot you could cook your nuts with it good well every once in a while everybody will wake up at the same time and they all take a shower at the same time and we just run smack out of hot water you guys didn't think about that they thought about it at the motel 6 but that whole concept of people wake up in the morning with shit to do got right by the ritz-carlton hotel [Applause] so I take a nice cold shower and then I got to go meet with these lawyers now now I hate lawyers I just can't stand them and I hate them more than you do no matter how much have you ever seen video of that guy shooting his lawyer and his lawyers trying to hide behind that little tree and he just keeps yeah that's a funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my goddamn life I've got that on my video iPod and if I just need a chuckle sometime during the day I just hit the play button play play play but I do that till I come [Applause] then I got to go to the dentist you see out my days shaping up cold shower lawyers dentists the trifecta a fucked up day and I couldn't eat because of what I had to do there so now it's 2:30 in the afternoon I before I finish the story will admit that I'm in a foul mood my mouth is starting to heart and I haven't eaten all day and I'm gonna go eat lunch at this place called the clubhouse it says Lenox Square Mall in Buckhead and I used to eat there all the time I live in both cities and I and I pull up now all this out here used to be just regular parking but now the whole thing is valet parking so you can't just park the car and go get some food you have to wait for this little prick in a little red truck to wake up but he isn't going to wake up because he's got on headphones and mirrored sunglasses he's looking to other direction watching these two girls walk down Peachtree Boulevard and I could tell by the whole scenario that they're not going to be out of his line of sight for 20 minutes there's nothing going to get in the way so I'm like fuck do your job and I decide well I'll just park the car myself and the only space I saw was right next to his truck and I'm gonna park the car myself and once he sees I'm gonna park the car myself he jumped out of his trunk and he gets militant and he jumps in front of my Range Rover he puts a hand on his hands on the hood and he goes nobody parks the road car in this parking lot I parked the cars in this parking lot well I roll down my window very politely said get out of my fucking way because nobody talks to me like that you can't park your car in this parking lot I said fuck you he goes I'm calling the police what's your first and last name I said it's fuck you it's f uck capital y oh you fuck you that's my name he gets on his radio and calls the Dalai Lama of all parking lot attendants who come squealing up in his little red truck apparently they give them to him he hops out of the truck like he's gonna do something he immediately recognizes me and you see this big oh shit watch over his face he literally shoves this kid out of the way and starts apologize and he said mr. white I'm sorry I said listen this kid's not doing his job he's an insolent little piece of shit he needs to have his ass rim because mr. white he's gonna have his ass reamed by me and my boss and my boss's boss and I was like I have no idea that chain of command went that deep in the parking lot [Applause] you said mr. white let us take your Range Rover we'll wash it for you we'll fill it up with gas we'll Park it no charge I said don't park it here and I want this little prick to key it he said we'll park it on the other side and I said fine so I go have a nice lunch and take more pain pills getting a little better mood just have my gums great you know so I walk outside of my Range Rover is shining like a new penny and I hop in I fired up and it's full of gas and I could have left but instead I drove back over there where that kid 11 I roll down my window and he rolled down his window no way how'd that work out for you pretty good [Applause] and here's the moral of that story don't fuck with me when I hadn't been drinking Pulitzer prize-winning author Norman Mailer died last year at the age of 84 years old for the last 60 years of this man's life he drank to excess every day he was married six times he smoked pot he stabbed his second wife and I've never read one of his books but I got to tell you I'm a huge fan we've got a blast as we've been here man I tell you we went out last night I got so drunk I woke up this morning and somebody had shit my pants [Applause] I don't know it was but I know he eats corn and cake corn cakes I think is what I just got back from Europe I took my son tatertot to Europe we were in Spain during the running of the bulls but we didn't go to the event because we couldn't figure out why you would the people that we know they lived there were pitching this really hard and they said that this events been going on for over 500 years and I'm like really and they explained it too it's apparently 540 years ago a bunch of gay sailors and white suits with red scarves got all fucked up and turned loose to cattle and tried to I'm paraphrasing I got all fucked up trying to get out of the way and couldn't and it ended up the town with such a borehole that compared to everything else that was going on there this seemed like fun and they kept doing it for 540 years ago I still don't want to go and this year two people died and they said it was a huge tragedy but I think before you call something a huge tragedy I think you need to first determine exactly which two people died maybe it was two people we didn't need they weren't very bright I can tell you that we're sure this year a bunch of Spaniards - it up and said the event should be canceled forever because it's so dangerous I'm like it took you five hundred forty bucks and fuck that man up to a week to change the name from the Running of the Bulls to the thinning of the herd we'll have the final event at Talladega called the dodging of the NASCAR's you ready go whoop there quick cocktail you might want to turn your wipers on Dale we were in London for two days and I was afraid I hadn't allotted enough time to see London because it's one of my favourite cities with so much tradition in history and and we were going to get a cabbie to take us around and show us the science and I thought I probably should have allotted more time but if you get a cabdriver in London that's a Scottish nationalists which is somebody that believes that Scotland in England should have no ties whatsoever they go home every night watch Braveheart and beat off Mel Gibson take another guy if you get a Scottish Vangelis for a cab driver in London you can see that sitting in about ten minutes I wouldn't go to Buckingham Palace if they paid me I changed up my guard is for pussies about today well are we gonna see Big Ben I thought people look to the left I went to the wrong getting paid by the mile of a minute whatever dude what's this building at your fucking hotel get out what are we going to do with the other day in three quarters because the food's awful it is la ville - they took us to a place called the fox and the hound and I'm pretty sure that's what we were eating I don't know which one they were serving that night but I can tell you this it needed ketchup and they didn't have any ketchup I wanted to take my son to see st. Paul's Cathedral the second largest Cathedral in the world and it was closed because the next day was the Queen's birthday and like well this is a church jesus doesn't take a day off because this woman aged one if this were the day I wanted to give my life to cries [Applause] a very screwed that's what I have no idea what you'd ever get the Queen in England for her birthday that's got to be a tough old broad to shop for honey I bought my wife breast implant for her birthday and I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery but I got to admit I've had a lot of fun playing with these things I haven't given them to her yet [Applause] I just keep on my tour bus and you drill them in my vein I'm glad they clean up easy what I guess blab they're not made out of corduroy that's all I'm saying I have to have them Scotch guarded I find it a little ironic that the product that I used to keep from ruining my sofa should I spill my drink on it is actually called Scotch Guard sometimes things just work out perfect yeah I'm looking for a product that will protect my sofa should I spill my scotch on it what do you have we've got Scotch Guard yeah let's go with that do you have vodka guard how about sperm gardens is that be a deep couch I found out when I got back from Europe that I was being sued by a paper plant that's what the lawyers are for I don't know if you've ever driven by a paper plant but the byproduct of the manufacture of paper in this country is a stench so foul it will knock you to your ever-loving knees brown paper in Houston Texas is suing me because I said on stage in Houston Texas that crown paper was making the town stink like I let some big cat out of the bag oh we didn't know it stunk - you brought it up huh come to think of it it smells like a hard-boiled egg part in this town [Applause] sick somehow your fault mister why the reason I brought it up I'm from Houston and as a child I lived literally in the shadow of this paper plant and as a child I thought the whole world smelled like that I didn't know how to read and the first time my family went on vacation to another city I was amazed I was like what's that delicious smell oh god this smells like heaven in flowers mixed together what is it that's a sewer treatment facility let's finish it you should bottle that shit into Euston people can rub a little under their nose won't buy that paper plant without throwing up their fucking lunch and we found that new use for Fetty chip I think we all win actually the reason I brought it up I'm from Houston I don't live there anymore and I was just back in town doing some shows and one morning I was reading the Houston Chronicle and there was an article in the paper about that particular paper plant and it said in the article that depending on which way the wind was blowing the two million people could smell the stench produced by this one paper plant at a time that is a big odor if it was music and 2 million people could hear it they'd make them turn it the fuck off [Applause] because it's a smell it's okay no it's not okay by the way to make paper that doesn't stink it's not like you're trying to make catfish bait out of cabbage god dammit you're making paper out of wood paper done state wood done stink you're doing something to make it stink fucking with [Applause] if that's me dancing on my soapbox I love this country I consider myself a patriot I met my first wife during the Vietnam War she was from this quaint little village outside of pnom Paden I know I could never pronounce that word Vancouver [Applause] it's not true it's funny but it isn't through I love this country I do what I can to support our troops no matter what they've been asked to do I don't have to agree in advance the Commission's support last year I went on UFO to us [Applause] that's good rod then I went on a USO tour which not a lot of comedians are asked to do because the you know the jokes translate so so poorly from one planet to the next these are legal aliens but oddly enough they still speak Spanish [Applause] I went on a USO tour and I'll tell you the difference [Applause] Earthlings I was in Germany for ten days doing shows for troops going into him coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan and they asked me to go to Iraq and I was like fuck you I'm not going to that shithole I'm fifty and fat I'll get shot I couldn't dodge a goddamn doughnut if you threw it at me what do you throw a fucking doughnut at me for me you hit me right now heart then when we filmed blue collar 3 we filmed it in Washington DC and the fine folks of the USO asked us to spend the day at Walter Reed Hospital and if you go to Walter Reed Hospital you'll see a byproduct this war nobody likes to talk about but they should talk about it every day because the sacrifice these young men and women have made for this country they can't take back and they should be applauded and saluted and give it a the greatest nation on this planet and if we fail there we felt everywhere we can fail folks [Applause] to the trade castle I tell you one USO story we're going from room to room visiting these amazingly brave Americans at Walter Reed meet Jeff Foxworthy Bill Engvall Larry the Cable Guy we go to this kid's room and this kid is mangled I don't know what they'll ever do for him the only way he could talk was to hold a finger over a hole in his throat and you breathe in and he wouldn't use a lot of words but what you said was very poignant and very funny and I was just sitting there admired him going who the fuck is this kid to be this brave you know and I carry a man bag and in the bag or cigars and cigar cutters and lighters and reading glasses and sunglasses and Tampax and my wife's titties and all the things I need to make it through an afternoon we're about to leave this kid's room with Foxworthy goes you know you're the only person today that didn't make fun of Ron's purse and this kid goes pussy [Applause] the only time I've ever seen Foxworthy snot they called you a pussy dude / however ETOPS I love this country I don't think this country is perfect but I don't think any country is and I think three ways I could help improve this country but nobody in Washington will listen to me because of my behavioral problem there are three ways I think I could improve this country I could improve the heightened state of awareness system in this country I could help fund the war in Iraq and there's an immigration problem they want to build a wall all the way from the Gulf of Mexico to the specific OSHA the specific to a specific ocean which they've already chosen [Applause] oh he was sharp in that we saw on went on a UFO to her and took a trip across the Pacific Ocean which he had already chosen in advance [Applause] folks I believe in my heart the Department of Homeland Security's color-coded heightened state of awareness system might be the most useless thing ever shoved down the throat to the American people one person that knows what to do different of the heightened state of awareness is yellow or orange or orange or yellow nothing ever happens anyway I haven't met one person that knows that there are five heightened states of awareness in this country did you know that sir but no you didn't blue green yellow orange and red apparently when the heightened state of awareness is blue you don't even need sunscreen you can just walk outside naked you can't even burn my cock I'm not sure why the Scottish guy said that okay maybe I burned my cock the biggest problem I have with the heightened state of awareness system in this country is that it makes no sense the second biggest problem I have with it is that it scares my mother thanks the last time the heightened state of awareness switched from yellow to orange my mother called me and my mother is very rural as am i the mother called me as she goes the heightened state of awareness just switched to orange I said I know mother I was watching television she goes I don't know what to do I said mother nobody knows what to do they didn't even print a flyer with this program but since we were attacked on 9/11 mama we've all been in a general heightened state of awareness she goes I don't know what that means I said well mom if you're getting on an airplane and the person in front of you has seven H's in their name and a basket of fucking cobras [Applause] check their shoes for fuses and that's not racism that's profiling and you have to do some profile you can't freeze 10 grandmothers just so you can pretend that that guy doesn't look suspicious bullshit go frisk his ass when he gets all pissed off goes sorry and if he's still pissed off after that go hey you or the turban to the fucking Airport buddy buy a John Deere cat for travel days fuck I don't know [Applause] by a John Deere turbine do they make them I'm sorry we're a little edgy [Applause] if I were in charge of the Department of Homeland Security we'd have a heightened state of awareness system in this country that's for sure but we'd have one that made sense and one that the fine citizens of this country understood and we would have two heightened states of awareness go find a helmet put on the fucking helmet [Applause] that way I know what to say to my mother when she goes I don't know what to do it's put on a fucking helmet damn put on a fucking helmet mom that strap goes under your chin mother when mother has her helmet on she forgets her neck works just turn your head mom you're getting it we find ourselves folks in the middle of a war we can't afford financially I want to address any other aspects of the war this evening but it is time to refit the biggest army the world has ever seen here's the problem we're broke we ain't got no money we're still writing checks like you do in real life just praying to God somebody will catch one of these useless son of a bitches and your 17 trillion dollars in bet you still got a checkbook really [Applause] seemed like somebody eventually is going to take that checkbook away nothing and with you know what China is cashing our checks and that's not a good plan for this country mark my word and they can't figure out a way to fund this war and I came up with a great idea that nobody will listen to well hear about you because of your proximity to this speaker system I was just down at Cocoa Beach Florida and just south of Cocoa Beach Florida is a huge Air Force Base that takes up a hundred and fifteen thousand acres of oceanfront property they have military housing on the beach Major Nelson didn't have oceanfront property and he was an astronaut with a motherfucking genie if you got to have oceanfront join the Navy that's all I'm saying and back that base up 15 miles and let us sell this asset to help pay for this war effort we can sell it to Israel they've got a lot of cash they need a place to stay that shit ain't working out for them over there and it's the only part of Florida they don't already own and we take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel we buy Mexico fix it up and flip it [Applause] now will we have to send down some painters and landscapers because they're all up here and when they're gone you're gonna wonder where the fuck they went you ain't gonna want to do this shit yourself not if you're anything like me we sell Mexico to a country that can put a ton of cash down but you know they can't make the play boots like Peru's Peru has billions and billions of US dollars they do in cash and banks all over Peru it's our cocaine money they tricked us out of I mean it's Fitz your cocaine money they tricked you out of we got all that money back billions of dollars billions they then we financed the balance of Mexico to Peru right we let them get behind on the payments we repossess Mexico now we have Mexico free and clear new paint new shrubs [Applause] and with all that cocaine money we start buying country south of Mexico we buy them all we buy Belize hunt there is Nicaragua El Salvador Costa Rica and every time you buy one of those countries that long ass wall this country needs to bill gets a little fucking shorter doesn't it until eventually we buy back the Panama Canal which we built anyway stand there go swim this bitch [Applause] my tour that's what I do I go from city to city to city of City I've done it for 22 years I've been doing every second of it I love to do this job I tour with my wife which I love to tour with my wife because I only have sex with my wife and I like to have sex I don't have sex with other women I've been married three times and that has not always been my policy [Applause] but I'm 51 years old and I said if I got married again I've glued all the running around and to tell you the truth I find a lot of comfort in having one sex partner because she knows what I like and I know what she won't do it turns out there's a list of shit she won't do and the first thing on the list is talk about the list my favorite byproduct of monogamy and he didn't even dawned on me that this would be the case and when I figured this out I felt a huge weight just flutter off my shoulders and a lot of you guys might not realize this so this could be a big night in your life because I'm about to impart to you the most important thing I've ever learned so guys I want you to open up your senses and really take this and don't waste this moment because here it comes ready here comes guys if you only fuck your wife you can't get caught [Applause] nobody gives a rat's ass nobody's never gonna kick in a bedroom door you mother fuck is that your only I may be exaggerating that stroke just a little bit but still a ferocious piece of ass although easily winded if you don't mind stopping and starting I might be the best fuck on the planet [Music] that's the way I roll ladies but my favorite place to have sex is on my tour bus because I don't quite have the wind to get her there I can just holler at that driver pump the brakes [Applause] [Applause] thanks Pat when that packin suck any [Applause] actually you can't get caught having sex with your wife my wife whenever going to add in one afternoon and the housekeeper walked in which is way better than the other way around it happens the other way around you end up saying things like I'll pack my shit as soon as it quits burning we have a great sex life I think you know it's not like our friend we have these friends that are younger than us and they have tantric sex which is a yoga thing where you can have sex for hours and hours and yeah we don't we don't do that we did invent a sexual position that I named the lazy dog and I'll teach you how to do the lazy dog what you do is you get in bed there and you get in the doggy style position and then both of you at the same time and that's the important part fall over I can stay in that position all that long or until she coughs what she costs me out I'm out for the night she sneezed me out one time at my home did get one of my own nuts and hurting and now I have difficulty interpreting her sexual noises she'll be I don't know if she's about to cum or sneeze which makes me a nervous lover which causes premature ejaculate not a lot of people know that and not a lot of people know this it was actually Richard Milhous Nixon in his 1968 inaugural address who first said shake for me girl I want to be your backdoor Man a lot of people think it was Led Zeppelin but it wasn't Richard Nixon I'm like 80% sure I'm like 70 70 percent sure you know what it was Led Zeppelin you want somebody call me today a metrosexual is that like a local term or something I don't even know what it means I'm sitting there getting a pedicure reading vogue my wife got me a certificate to get a pedicure because she thinks my feet are nasty and I went down there and this poor old asian woman is trying to reshape my big toe into like a regular-sized toe and she's got this carrot peeler kind of a tool she's using the scrape away years of neglected dead skin off these dogs and she has a genuinely disgusted look on her face she looks at me and she goes pen secure not only for you now why I thought that would be funny I can't remember maybe I did it wrong okay and secure not only for you know a pedicure not only for you need punch line make a mental note joke not finish and punchline make funny for everyone well the one who got me drinking scotch mama loves to drink she loves her scotch man mama loves all things Scott she likes Highlands guys lowland Scots single malt scotch blended Scotch she likes to fucking tape and the garden in the hop [Applause] and the butter a mega mental note do take lasted only one funny I'll tell you story it's funny my uncle came over to my house the other day my uncle used to be the president of the Southern Baptist Convention his name is dr. Charles Pollard he is a triple doctorate he has doctorates and theology psychology and philosophy although I think I still make more money than he that he's a great man and he came over and I was making myself a drink because I never pretend I don't drink you might know that about me already and he goes son you are never going to find the answers to your problems in the bottom of that bottle and I said I know that's why I'm going to buy another one I knew that son-of-a-bitch was a dud the minute I laid eyes on her look at that no answer pieces shit take me to the liquor store I've got some questions I don't really get along as well in my life as I pretend you ever you ever do this you ever want to say something to somebody and then you don't say it and then like two months later it just comes spewing out like Tourette's and vomit my first time I met my wife sister was that her mother 75th birthday they live up in Connecticut we took the plane up and it's a they're very wealthy and there's a big party of 150 people at this huge house and we're at a table of a round table of about 15 people down front and her sister is a published chef and she owns a restaurant in Connecticut and she owns of cooking school in France and she's married to a guy from France and she's a snob but they're all snobs so I figured fuck she'll be able to stop probably she's a big old snob too big over round and made old gal they go taste everything that comes out of the kitchen kind of a snob kind of a they go rounded big ol gal bigger almost a state home and go for the record kind of a snob and I was just making conversation and I said well I should come to Connecticut and do some shows and she goes I don't think anyone in Connecticut is going to pay money to hear hillbilly comedy well I was raised in the south and I'll have my wife's mother's birthday party and I'm not gonna ruin this woman's day because I can't hold my tongue and I don't say a word which I shouldn't and I don't couple months I'm in a restaurant with my wife having dinner and she's a foul foul mood and she goes you know there are some things about your family that I just can't stand and I go your sister's a big fat cunt [Applause] like Tourette's and vomit man you're just gonna make bad cold and I'm not sure exactly how loud I said it but every head in the restaurant goes then the waiter brought the bread fuck this is gonna be a long meal god I wish that was cake my wife and I think different things are funny that story being a perfect example actually she doesn't think anything's funny I do if she thinks Cosmopolitan magazine is a serious magazine and I think it's the funniest rag on the planet and that's an impasse the other day there was a copy of Cosmo sitting on the table and I was reading the cover stories on the front of it and I was just laughing and she walks by she goes what's so funny like I did something wrong you know I said I was just reading the stories on the front of this magazine I thought they were funny I thought they might fit in my show she reads them and she goes that's not funny how would I know why would I even have an opinion on what might be found humorous in American days certainly not my line of work I sell shrimp out of a van his secret pleasure zone it's not a secret please if you don't know where your man's secret pleasure zone is you need to be wearing Wolverine steel toed boots [Applause] forty girly moves that drive him crazy touches pleasures of touch it 40 times and here's a clue it's our dick I think this magazine up and I start thumbing through it and I found an article on how to get your man aroused and that's funny it was written by a doctor so some of you will learn a new word here I know I do said flick is frenulum then in parentheses it says the small nodule of skin beneath the head of the penis with the flat part of your tongue it doesn't matter [Applause] what part of the tongue you flick his friend ulam with he doesn't even have to be his friend ulam put your tongue on his dick and see if things don't just work out great for the two other you can flick his spring ulam with a newspaper and it would probably work one of the reasons I'm still married to my wife is she can flick my friend yelling with her fucking tonsils and that's what I'm looking for in a friend ulam clicking I call her my friend Flicka get over here Flicka I got a sugar cube and an apple you want a both girl she's a weird bird man and she can't go to sleep at night was every single thing in this gigantic house is in the exact spot she meant for it to be now before I married her she told me she was anal and I was like great [Applause] turns out there's two kinds of anal and she's the wrong I don't know why so obsessed with my wife participating in anal sex but you won't do it I thought maybe you're on our anniversary she would we're on a really nice cruise you know and I get her all shined up one night and I'm just begging her which is pathetic you know she was Ron you need to get something through your thick skull I'm not strapping one of those things on for any but I thought the best one they made the Brokeback 2000 takes to D cell batteries it's got a clitoral stimulator I don't know why I got that up here fuckin founded something maybe it'll flick my friend ulam on the way my wife got one of her nipples pierced and a lot of people are into that I'm not she did did it anyway whatever I was talking to a girl the other day that her tongue pierced twice and had a chain running between the two piercings I don't get it I asked her why she did it she said it helps my boyfriend enjoy oral sex I'm like no it doesn't try flicking his friend along with them get a feather duster bellybutton piercing is now that's fine try to be on the right girl though that tan girl to park with the low-slung faded jeans and the little pink half shirt and a little silver hoop sexy but have you seen these women that pierce their fat roll now I'm not being an ass I've got a huge gut too but you're never gonna see me at the mall and a tube top is like a horseshoe poking through there I own a mirror my wife got 100 imple Spears didn't ask me anything about it either I was I just came up the road one day she opened up a robe and there it was that was like she goes what's the matter don't you think it looks sexy I said it looks like the plug in my grandmother's bathtub [Applause] yeah here's a good idea they'll never fucking say that [Applause] my friend got his cock pierced and he said when he takes the piercing out gets a blowjob it whistles that's pretty funny [Music] [Applause] she was good for that wasn't an impression of my wife but there would have been a big sound right there I told you not to come in my mouth quit sucking Souter I can't be left in charge at this point in the blood we were watching that CNN the other night and yeah they were doing a story on that side about that astronaut lady that went batshit crazy and tried to kill those chick and how words I could write shit that fucking funny man that's fun and it wasn't just about that but about NASA and how they're just on this thorough as you'd think NASA would be and now they're always backing up and cover their tracks which of course they are and I guess because so many women are going to the outer space they've just allowed a lot of ten million dollars for a study to see if there are any dangers and a woman suffering from PMS to have her menstrual cycle in zero gravity I'm like hell yeah there are dangers in a weightless environment the psycho bitches can fly [Applause] you

Info

Channel: Geoff Jacobs

Views: 697,700

Rating: 4.5270853 out of 5

Keywords: Ron White, Behavioral Problems, 2009, Full Album, Complete Album, Comedy, Standup, Standup Comedy, Seattle, Washington, Moore Theater, Blue Collar Comedy Tour

Id: M5tn3jiyMyw

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 69min 2sec (4142 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 26 2018

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