Ron White - Drunk in Public (2003) [Full Album] [Audio]

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[Applause] please my to massage mr. Ron White [Applause] right there thank you before I get started I'm gonna ask you a question I lost my sunglasses the other day and went to the sunglass hut here's the question why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25 inch color television set anybody know I go to the sunglass hut I see a pair of glasses I like I don't love them I like them 309 bucks and I asked the guy very politely how do you sleep at night you fucking prick and I told him and this is true that two weeks ago I bought a 25 inch color television set from Walmart for 218 bucks and he goes well apparently you don't get it I'm listening he goes these glasses eliminate a hundred percent of all UV rays no apparently you don't get it this thing decodes a digital satellite signal it picks up from outer fucking space then it turned out that glasses got basic cable and I felt like a dick you ever take a crap so big your pants fit better [Applause] I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight because these babies are seen Oh guess what they are saw something that came close to truth and advertising the De Beers people are almost saying what they really mean folks because the old De Beers slogan was diamonds are forever then they changed it to this year take her breath away the new slogan is diamonds render her speechless why don't they just go ahead and say it diamonds that'll shut her up for a minute so it's great to be alive and it folks I think I almost died last year actually I didn't almost die I didn't even get hurt wasn't a near-miss plane thing I was flying from Beaumont to Houston because my manager doesn't own a globe I was on a plane that big like a pack of gum with eight people in it we took off from the Beaumont Airport hair care and tire center there we're traveling at half the speed a smile we got passed by kite there was a goose behind us in the pilot was screaming go around [Applause] we get halfway to Houston we got to go back it's a nine minute flight can't pull it off with this equipment we had engine trouble we lost some oil pressure in one of the engines and they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane which was stupid because they could have just went hey we lost Moya [Applause] Perga sure did [Music] it was weird everybody on the plane was nervous but I'd been drinking since lunch and I was like take it down I don't care you ever had one of those days hit something hard I don't want to live away from this thing the guy sitting next to me is losing his mind apparently he had a lot to live for he goes he min-hee min-hee me if one of these engines fails how far will the other one take it all the way to the scene of the crash [Applause] which is pretty handy because that's where we're headed I bet we beat the paramedics there by we're hauling ass was in Cincinnati last year I did a show one night I came offstage I was looking for something to eat and across the street from the club is a place called Skyline Chili next door that's a place called gold star chili across the Liberty chili red chili Joe's chili Bob's chili chili everywhere now I wasn't trying to start me shit with the little chili boy I was making late night conversation and I said boy you know it seems like there's a whole lot of chili places here you wouldn't think there would be would you and it goes I'll have you know the Cincinnati area is the chili capital of the world you know excuse me for thinking it might be Mexico City or waddle of goddamn horror I don't even think y'all tell the Mexican boys you were having a contest that's right because a Mexican boy come up here with a goat and an onion and kick here [Applause] he wouldn't even in a car he could ride the goat up there of course he'd need a lift home can't ride home on a bowl of goat I've always said that oh man so anyway I was in Miami when Hurricane George hit the keys a couple years ago I just thought this was funny they evacuated the keys and everybody left except for one guy who's going to stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach to prove a point the point was he said that at 53 years of age he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain from a forestry hurricane all right let me explain something to you it isn't that the wind is blowing it's what the wind is blowing if you get hit with a Volvo [Applause] it doesn't really matter how many sit-ups you did that more if you have a yield sign in your spleen jogging don't come into play I can run 25 miles without stopping you're bleeding shit I drink too much other people learn things when I drink last night a limo driver learned if I say I got it yak it doesn't mean I have a long-haired Buffalo living in my backyard she was like really what do you feed it corn we just spent ten days in Los Angeles if you ever have a chance to do that pass I learned things when I go to LA I learned this they have bikinis now made out of seashells I didn't know that and I also didn't know this if you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells and you pick her up and hold her to your ear you can hear her scream who'da thunk it I thought I thought I'd hear the ocean but not over that woman oh hush man she was a wiggler she was a wiggler la changes people that's why I don't like it you know what I mean yeah buddy of mine from Houston comedian moves to LA six months ago six months in LA I don't know him six months in LA now he's a vegetarian a humanitarian and environmentalist fine you know if you're here tonight you're a vegetarian shut up you're not gonna recruit me I didn't climb to the top of the fucking food chain to eat carrots what are you nuts it's not even that good for you ever see a healthy looking vegetarian they look like shit they're all gone yellow because it's because their bodies have become intolerant of other things you know what I mean I'll give you an example my buddy and I were on the way to the Melrose improv to do a set and he says this and I quote I feel nauseous and I have a headache I think that vegetable soup I had for lunch must have had beef broth in it [Music] I didn't know what to say your systems kicking back brah you're a manly man are you why are you a vegetarian I asked him and it wasn't even if this meats bad for he said the raising cattle was bad for the planet with cow flatulence in the ozone and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle what are you doing to help the environment I'm eating the cow but I'm only one man [Music] [Applause] they're weird out now like me haven't I read a ticket of paper they said they were gonna try to out let's piss me off they're trying to outlaw the big screen real-life handgun shooting video games because they say that that's what's wrong with the youth of America today they learn how to accurately shoot guns with video games it's not a parenting problem it's a video problem they figured it out congratulations then they piss you off when they have a genuine problem you try to tack a solution to it that has nothing to do with the problem it's parenting problem you know I got a great idea don't outlaw those machines give them to the state troopers of California because they're some of the worst shots I've ever seen in my life I saw a shootout once live on TV that went on for so long eventually the criminal got frustrated and just shot himself and the cops are on TV whining about it too he's got on body armor he's got on body armor I'm watching it live on seeing him going I'm see his head shoot him in the head give my kid a shot how's that daddy good shot poot everybody relaxed poot took him out thank God poot was there horrible shots you ever see that film it's the hijo brothers were that was their name but they they showed it on cops a couple times where the two guys get that white suburban these guys have a shootout with the police at point-blank range nobody gets hurt I would love to have anything off as the next day when that guys being interviewed by the chief and then what happened well at that point I unloaded my semi-automatic 9-millimeter weapon at point-blank range and then what happened they left [Applause] nice shooting elmer fudd there was a kid in Michigan three years ago shot eight bullets hit nine people these two cops shot 22 bullets didn't even hit the fucking suburban give those guys a roll of quarters turn them loose I'm probably not a typical Texan in that I don't hunt I fish but I don't hunt they're not because I think it might somehow be more holy to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death by somebody else that's not it it's really early in the morning it's really cold outside I want to fucking go [Applause] my cousin ray on the other hand thing's killing a deer with a deer rifle is Magic in the forest I'd like to do for you now my impression of my cousin ray after the big kill the impression just wouldn't be accurate if I didn't smoke during the night I don't normally smoke is just something I do while I'm on the road to keep my just something I do to keep my hands off my dick it only works on this one it's a dick joke for the hearing-impaired don't leave anybody out that's my policy I used to not even have a policy now I got that one my impression of my cousin ray after the big kill Elliot was four in the morning 22 degrees outside of course you weren't there pussy I'm in a camouflage deer blind with grease paint on my face I've got deer urine on my boots I'm not sure why I made that fart out [Applause] I got a 30 on 6 with a 12 power scope and a bullet that will travel 2200 feet per second when that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I'd hung from the dango tree caught him right above the eye yeah well I hit one with a van going 55 miles an hour with the headlights on and the fucking horn blowing whoo that's an elusive little creature if you ever miss once goes the bullets moving too fast on the bullet down to 55 miles an hour put some headlights on a little horn on it the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet I married into a very very very wealthy family if you ever have a choice go ahead the first I thought with my wife was bloated but she ain't rich at all her parents are and they hate my guts [Laughter] and I'm waiting for them to die [Applause] and you'll know if they died too cuz you'll never see my fat ass again I'll be in Palm Springs with my new friend servants rich my in-laws have servants is that weird I thought when I married their daughter they'd send her serving along with us they help do all the shit they never taught her how to do [Applause] and I was wrong we're now leaning on her domestic skill who she's handy I came over doing a show the other night she goes honey the dryers broken did you check the lint filter sweetheart sit out honey I'll check I open it up is there anything in there there's a quilt in there look you made a sofa cushion you are a handy girlie where everything's an emergency to her because she never had to deal with their own problems I was in Atlanta one time she called me one night misses me in the hotel room they catch me in the lobby and tell me I have an emergency phone call from home I knocked over ten people in the lobby of a very nice hotel thinking maybe my in-laws [Applause] I call her she tells me my dog Sluggo just took a dump on the new carpet shoot him she goes that's just like you wrong I have a genuine problem and you're being sarcastic all right honey I'm sorry put the dog on the phone what do you want me to do I'm in Georgia I can't pick up the turd put a paper towel over it I'll be home in a week to get home it looks like a little campground in the living room somebody's having a poop uh Palooza concert outside you'll shit out there I've seen him do it so I'm happily divorced I'll tell you what happened number one you can't marry into a wealthy family now I'm not a rut ultra wealthy family because they're always gonna look at you as the guy that supposed to be holding the piss bucket well if you're not willing to hold the piss bucket it ain't gonna work and then she got convinced that her crazy head that I had sex with this girl in Columbus Ohio and I did not tell you why [Applause] when you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody usually do it at a point in the relationship when you're having a lot of sex so you're willing to sign the papers I only have sex with you never ever ever ever fucking ever well if that person for whatever reason suddenly stops having sex altogether why you find yourself in quite a pickle I'm a pretty good dog but if you don't pet me every once in a while it's hard to keep me under the porch I'm not as flexible as a real dog I'm telling you what happened - I was in Columbus Ohio I had been laid in three months three months you can't go three months without having sex with me I'll go have sex with somebody else I know I've seen me do it I did a show one night I came offstage it was a gorgeous woman maybe 35 or 40 years old core just long black dress lit up the side she goes I thought you were hilarious I want to buy you a drink and I'm like I can't do that and Marian she goes I didn't ask everyone to have sex big boy ask if you wanna have a drink at my place all right well you know that little guy that sits on your shoulder that reminds you of your prior commitments and your moral fortitude I didn't hear a peep out of that guy he hadn't been laid in three months either he was speechless for like 20 minutes in like soccer TV I was gonna soon as all things over he's back at his post that was wrong mister my hate 20 minutes ago you were beating off on my shoulder monkey boy fucking hate him man he smoked pot he burned a hole in my other jacket right before the show I was having an argument about bin Laden with somebody the other day and the argument came up because the country said that if they caught him they wouldn't extradite him to a state in the United States that had the death penalty I'm like I don't care and my buddies all bent out of shape of man I'll blow the towel off it because that's who I hang out with it have been him out of shape that I wasn't upset about it goes how come you ain't upset I know you're pro death penalty here come I don't make you mad you know I'll tell you why it doesn't make me mad because spiritually or something bin Laden is prepared to die for Islam but I guarantee is spiritually Osama bin Laden is ill prepared to lick jelly out of Thunder dicks but fried I think grape jelly shut up and lick my butt and you got to do a good job - because you're in this till thunder dick comes they didn't just a man man there I did it you got a try you got to tickle the inside of thunder dicks thigh you got a fondle Thunder Dick's nutsack a little bit but if you don't make him cum pretty quick you're gonna run out of jelly [Applause] comedy's not always pretty first never once in a while somebody will get tongue fucked in the ass right in the middle of a humorous situation I promise Sears I would tell this story on stage every night until the lawsuits settled I had my van down in the Savannah Georgia about this big two-story custom van back when I was married I forgot to tell you this I it was kind of cool at the James Bond couch in the back where you push a button in the couch in the back automatically turns into a bed I'm like well that's cool I finally got something over those Mercedes Benz driving in-laws of mine you know what a man when I first bought the van I was real proud of it I took it straight over to my brother-in-law's house to show it off because he's such a prick and he takes one look at my new van he goes I can't believe who didn't buy Mercedes Benz they don't make a van Ron I don't think you fully understand the intricacies of mercedes-benz engineering why I got the 3 inch windshield wiper that keeps my headlight cleaning arranged oh I got a place to fuck your sister [Applause] I don't know why they didn't like me anyway I had the vandana Savannah Georgia I didn't like the way the tires were wearing on it it took the Vantage Sears Automotive a trusted name an automotive service takes them three and a half hours to change four tires apparently they had to whittle one of them out of a piece of wheat I Pam five hundred and eighty dollars of my hard earned money I take a right-hand turn out of the mall the left rear wheel falls off it falls off it falls the fuck off turning my van into a tripod spinning me into a dimension of pissed off I've never been in before the my this guy was a tire guy that's all he did he didn't some days work on transmissions he was a tire guy Sears I found out later had sent him to Tire College for a three-day well apparently he was sick on lugnut day but they still let him work on my van so I'm suing him in the hope that next year they'd have to change the name with Sears Tower in Chicago - Ron wives big old fucking building you guys can all come over and party too I have a lot of room think we ought to clean up run fuck no move to another floor we'll tongue up there somebody grabbed my butt [Applause] the thing with Sears what his painful is buying the car in the first place cuz they had to talk to a car salesman to get it nobody else sells cars I believe if somebody asked me Ron Ron Ron sometimes it's hard to get my attention Ron would you rather spend two hours of your life talking to a car salesman or would you rather be drugged naked over a cactus with your mouth over the tailpipe of a Greyhound bus or would you rather sandpaper the asshole of an alligator in a phone booth what was that second one again if you're here tonight here at car salesmen I'll show you where you are on the food chain here's the whole universe on a mic stand right about there would be a flabby hunk of whale shit there's you right there oh look a lawyer [Applause] hey there's my lawyer there's my first line there's her mother and there's that asshole that didn't put the lug nuts back on my goddamn bag [Applause] and there's Bud Adams what are you doing I got thrown out of a bar in New York City now when I say I got thrown out of a bar I don't mean somebody asked me to leave and we walk to the door together I said bye everybody I gotta go six bouncers hurled me out of a nightclub like I was a frisbee those big old bouncers that go home every night watch Roadhouse and beat off you know Patrick Swayze's hitting another guy for wearing a hat I walk into a bar with a hat on this got real piss he goes tuck off the hi I'm like what's the deal because I tell you what the deal is faggots in this area wear hats we're trying to keep them out of a club oh really the only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like your and he got all pissed but he walked away like an hour later I've been drinking and I forgot you ever forget happy to me I put the hat back on the guy comes over to me now I'm between 6 1 & 6 6 depending on which convenience store I'm leaving I weighed 235 pounds this guy comes over to me poking me in the shoulder with two fingers says you're out of here like I don't think so fucker and I was wrong they hurled my and then they square it off with me in the parking lot and I back down from the fight because I don't know how many of it would've taken with my ass but I knew how many they were gonna use it's a handy little piece of information to have right that overkill well they call the police we broke a chair on the way out the door and I refused to pay for it I refused to pay for it because we broke it over my thighs the cops showed up and at that point I had the right to remain silent but I didn't have the ability Goff says mr. white you are being charged with drunk in public I was drunk in a bar they threw me into public I don't want to be drunk in public I want to be drunk in a bar which is perfectly legal arrest them well he didn't arrest them instead he made me do a field sobriety test where you're standing on one foot raise the other foot six inches off the ground and count to 30 I made it - is that gonna be close enough well it wasn't close enough so they call in for my arrest record there's some good news satellites are leaking up in outer space computer banks at NASA kicking on there's a telegraph in Deer Park going BP BP [Laughter] this part takes a while shorthand beep now I told you that story to tell you this story when I was 17 years old I was arrested for being drunk in public seem to be a pattern if you knew Morse code you would already know that we get it and one DWI which was a bogus charge because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle traveling down that particular sidewalk and that's hell that's profiling in it profiling is wrong on the drunken public charge in Deer Park the arresting officer who I had literally known all my life you know what I mean this guy live four doors down from me in a town of less than 3,000 people at the time we've met it takes me to jail when we get there he asked me if I have any aliases I was just being a smartass said yeah they call me tater salad 17 years later in New York City I'm handcuffed on a bench with blood coming out of my nose nose cop goes are you Ron tater salad right you caught me Nick talk to tater you can take down those roadblocks now I called my son Tater Tot thanks for playing along I hope you enjoyed it you got a drink back [Applause] run while a German [Applause]

Info

Channel: Geoff Jacobs

Views: 200,172

Rating: 4.6664329 out of 5

Keywords: Ron White, Drunk in Public, 2003, Full Album, Complete Album, Audio, Comedy, Standup, Standup Comedy, I Drink Too Much, Tater Salad, Hurricane George, Osama bin Laden, Laff Stop, Houston, Texas, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Video Games, Cincinnati Chili, Marriage, Plane Crash, Sunglasses, Advertising

Id: U4amPhFIyUk

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 39min 45sec (2385 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 02 2018

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