>> STEPHEN: I DON'T CARE HOW
MANY SPONSORS I'M GOING TO LOSE FOR SAYING THIS, BUT I LIKE
PUPPIES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SORRY, I. DO TAKE ME AWAY. THAT'S WHY I LOVE DOING MY
SEGMENT RESCUE DOG RESCUE, WHERE A CELEBRITY JOINS ME TO TELL
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT PUPPIES IN ORDER TO CONVINCE VIEWERS TO
ADOPT THEM. WE'VE DONE THIS SEGMENT A FEW
TIMES NOW, AND I'M PROUD TO SAY WE HAVE A PERFECT 100% ADOPTION
RATE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY? 100%. TAKE THAT, JOHN OLIVER! YOU MIGHT HAVE A FINE PROGRAM,
BUT HOW MANY DOGS HAVE YOU LEFT HOMELESS? ( LAUGHTER )
AND WHILE IT'S USUALLY PRETTY EASY TO GET PEOPLE EXCITED ABOUT
PUPPIES, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE EVERYONE IS EVEN MORE EXCITED
ABOUT RIGHT NOW: SUPERHERO MOVIES. "AVENGERS: ENDGAME" IS
SHATTERING BOX OFFICE RECORDS AND NEXT WEEK IS THE RELEASE OF
"SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT, TOO. IN THIS ONE, SPIDER-MAN GOES ON
A SCHOOL TRIP TO EUROPE AND RETURNS WITH A FAKE BRITISH
ACCENT. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, I THOUGHT, WHY NOT COMBINE PUPPIES AND SUPER HEROES FOR A
VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF RESCUE DOG RESCUE! ♪
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME TO RESCUE DOG RESCUE: SUPER HERO EDITION. YOU KNOW OUR MOTTO, WITH GREAT
PAW-ER COMES "GREAT DANE" SPONSIBILITY. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW IF ONLY THERE WAS A CELEBRITY WILLING TO USE THEIR
POWERS TO GET THESE DOGS ADOPTED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WHAT? GOOD TO SEE YOU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TOM HOLLAND! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOOD TO HAVE YOU! >> THANK YOU, GUYS. SAY NO MORE, STEPHEN, I WILL
RESCUE THESE DOGS. >> STEPHEN: SPIDER-MAN HIMSELF,
TOM HOLLAND! >> THAT'S RIGHT, STEPHEN. ALWAYS REMEMBER, CELEBRITIES ARE
THE REAL SUPER HEREOS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S TRUE TOM. AND THAT IS THE FAKE ACCENT I
WAS TALKING ABOUT. THANK YOU. >> ALL RIGHT, SORRY, SORRY. EXCUSE ME. >> Stephen: BEFORE WE GET
STARTED TONIGHT, FOLKS, A QUICK REMINDER: ALL THE PUPPIES WE
HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE ACTUAL ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE
ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. THEY'RE ALL FANTASTIC. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT TO MAKE THEM EVEN MORE APPEALING, WE ARE ABOUT TO TELL
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM. >> I'M READY. >> Stephen: I'LL GO FIRST. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THIS IS SPIDER-PUP. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE YOU GO. LIKE SPIDER-MAN, SPIDER-PUP HAS
A SPIDEY SENSE, BUT INSTEAD OF DANGER, HE SENSES THUNDER, AND
INSTEAD OF SENSING IT BEFORE THE THUNDER HAPPENS, HE SENSES IT
RIGHT AFTER, AND INSTEAD OF RESPONDING BRAVELY TO THE
THUNDER, HE GETS SUPER SCARED AND NEEDS TO BE CUDDLED. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: WELL DONE, WELL DONE! COME HERE, MATEY! HERE WE GO! ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( LAUGHTER ) >> THIS IS MY FRIEND J. BONE-AH
JAMISON, A VETERAN JOURNALIST AND A REAL
OLD-FASHIONED NEWSHOUND. HE CAN SNIFF OUT ANY STORY, AS
LONG AS THAT STORY IS LOCATED IN ANOTHER DOG'S BUTT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, THIS LITTLE
FELLOW HERE, THIS IS BLACK WIDDLE. SHE'S NOT JUST ADORABLE, SHE'S
THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST ASSASSIN ( LAUGHTER )
JUST KIDDING. ( LAUGHTER )
>> HEY, BUDDY! HELLO, HELLO! ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S KILLING ME. THIS IS PETER BARKER. HE MAY LOOK LIKE AN ORDINARY
DACHSHUND, BUT HE ACTUALLY GAINED SUPER POWERS AFTER BEING
BITEN BY A GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SCHNAUZER. THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S A DOG THAT
HAS GAINED THE ABILITIES OF A DIFFERENT KIND OF DOG. THAT'S WHY HIS SUPER HERO NAME
IS "DOG-DOG." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE YOU GO, BUDDY! OH, NO! >> STEPHEN: THIS LITTLE SOLDIER
IS CAPTAIN AMERICUDDLES. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
CAP HERE WAS PART OF A SUPER-SECRET
MISSION IN THE '40S TO PEE ON HITLER'S LEG. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> COME HERE, MATE! WOW. ( LAUGHTER )
I THINK YOU CAN GUESS WHO THIS IS. THIS IS NICK FURRY. HE MAY BE GRIZZLED, BUT
UNDERNEATH IT ALL, HE HAS A CARING SOUL. PLUS, RIGHT WHEN YOU THINK YOUR
WALK WITH NICK IS OVER, HE SURPRISES YOU WITH A FUN
POST-WALK SCENE WHERE HE TELLS YOU HE'S PUTTING TOGETHER A
SPECIAL TEAM. THAT SPECIAL TEAM'S MISSION? GO ON ANOTHER WALK. THANK YOU, MATE. >> Stephen: THAT DOES IT FOR
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE -- SUPER HERO EDITION." HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE
COLBERTLATESHOW.COM FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM
NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOM
HOLLAND!
"Celebrities are truly the real superheroes"
-Tom Holland, 2019
Tom Holland is bae ❤💛