WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK TO TONIGHT'S
SHOW-GRAM ALREADY IN PROGRESS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S NO
SECRET, I LOVE ANIMALS, WHICH IS WHY I'M A BIG SUPPORTER
OF ALL THE WONDERFUL WORK DOG SHELTERS DO. I JUST HAVE ONE COMPLAINT -- THE
COMMERCIALS THEY PUT OUT ABOUT SHELTER DOGS. ♪
♪ >> HI, I'M SARAH MACLACHLAN. WILL YOU BE AN ANGEL FOR A
HELPLESS ANIMAL? >> STEPHEN: IT'S BEEN OVER A
DECADE-- WON'T SOMEONE FIND SARAH MACLACHLAN A LOVING HOME? ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I BELIEVE THIS SHOW HAS AN IMPORTANT MISSION -- SELLING
SNACKS TO 18- TO 35-YEAR-OLDS. BUT IF IT HAD A SECOND MISSION,
IT'D BE FINDING RESCUE DOGS A HOME. SO IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION
OF: "RESCUE DOG RESCUE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪
HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME TO "RESCUE DOG RESCUE." WE'VE GOT ACTUAL, ADOPTABLE
PUPPIES HERE FROM "NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
VERY IMPORTANT THAT SOMEBODY ADOPT THESE DOGS. EVERYTHING I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THESE DOGS ARE COMPLETE LIES, BUT IF YOU'RE
NOT WILLING TO LIE FOR AN ADORABLE PUPPY-- YOU BELONG IN A
SHELTER. OF COURSE, I DON'T WANT TO TELL
ALL THE LIES MYSELF, SO HERE TO HELP IS PROFESSIONAL LIAR,
AUBREY PLAZA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"AUBREY PLAZA," EVERYBODY! YOU HAVE A DOG, RIGHT? >> I HAVE TWO. >> Stephen: ARE YOU READY TO
MAKE SOME STUFF UP TO GET THESE DOGS A GOOD HOME? >> YES. WE'RE GOING TO MAKE MILLIONS! >> STEPHEN: THAT'S...NOT WHAT
WE'RE DOING HERE. LET'S BRING OUT THE PUPPIES! >> FIRST, WHO DO WE HAVE HERE? OH! LOOK AT YOU! AUBREY, YOU LIKE HIM? >> YEAH, HE'S SWEET! >> Stephen: THIS FINE LOOKING
FELLA IS SLUGGER, A LAB MIX! HE'S CERTIFIED IN MASSAGE AND IS
TRAINED TO ONLY POOP ON THE LAWNS OF YOUR ENEMIES. ( LAUGHTER )
ALSO, SLUGGER ALWAYS REMEMBERS YOUR MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY AND WILL
REMIND YOU AHEAD OF TIME TO SEND A CARD. OKAY? >> OKAY! >> Stephen: AUBREY, WHO DO WE
HAVE HERE? >> NEXT UP IS ACE! >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF DOG
IS ACE? >> ACE IS A HOUND MIX. HE'S A NICE BOY. HE CAN TALK, BUT CHOOSES NOT TO
AS A FORM OF PROTEST AGAINST WAGE INEQUALITY. LADIES, HE GETS YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
ALSO, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER DOG YOU'VE MET, PEOPLE SAY ACE'S
BREATH SMELLS LIKE FRESHLY BAKED MUFFINS. ( SNIFFS )
YUM. I'M GOING TO PUT HIM IN THE
CAGE. >> Stephen: YOU GO AHEAD AND
PUT HIM IN THE CAGE RIGHT THERE. >> OKAY. >> STEPHEN: THIS IS MOLLY. MOLLY RECENTLY ATE A TREASURE
MAP SHOWING THE LOCATION OF THE FABLED CARNEGIE FORTUNE. >> OOH, NAUGHTY NAUGHTY! >> Stephen: YES, NAUGHTY,
NAUGHTY. ADOPT NOW, AND SHE COULD POOP
HER VALUABLE SECRET IN YOUR APARTMENT. >> WOW. >> Stephen: YOU GUYS PLAY
TOGETHER. HAVE FUN. AUBREY, THERE AREN'T MORE DOGS,
ARE THERE? >> THERE IS A LOT MORE, STEPHEN. HERE'S MURPHY. MURPHY IS A GOOD BOY, BUT MORE
IMPORTANTLY, HE'S A GOOD MAN. ( LAUGHTER )
HE'S VERY CIVIC MINDED. WHEN HE'S NOT AT THE ANIMAL
SHELTER, HE VOLUNTEERS AT ANOTHER ANIMAL SHELTER. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: DID HE JUST KISS YOU? >> WE ARE AS IN A LONG-TERM
RELATIONSHIP. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IT'S GOING OKAY. >> Stephen: GOING OKAY. ALL RIGHT. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHO DO WE HAVE
HERE? OH, HERE WE GO. OH, BEAUTIFUL. OH, LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THE FUR. SO BEAUTIFUL. >> OH, WOW, BEAUTIFUL COAT. >> Stephen: THIS IS TIGER. TIGER IS A BIT OF A RUBBLE. I'M SORRY, TUCKER. I MISREAD THAT. TUCKER IS A BIT OF A REBEL. HE PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES. AT FIRST YOU'LL THINK HE'S ALOOF
AND DISINTERESTED, BUT, IN A SHOCKING PLOT TWIST, YOU'LL FIND
OUT TUCKER WAS THE ONE WHO LOVED YOU ALL ALONG. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT, THERE YOU GO. THERE WE GO. >> GREAT! >> Stephen: WHO DO WE HAVE
HERE, AUBREY? >> STEVE, WE HAVE LUNA. FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS BABE. THIS TERRIER SHEPHERD MIX, SHE'S
A CERTIFIED COUPLES COUNSELOR AND ALSO HAS A DEGREE IN
PSYCHIATRIC MEDICINE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS --
SHE CAN WRITE PRESCRIPTIONS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEAD TO OUR WEB SITE. COLBERTLATESHOW.COM FOR MORE
INFORMATION ON HOW YOU CAN ADOPT THESE ACTUAL DOGS TODAY FROM THE
NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AUBREY AMERICA.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AUBREY
PLAZA!
