Pres Amica Movie (Episodes 1-10) - Trump, Biden, and Obama Play Dungeons and Dragons

greetings Travelers and adventurers before we begin I think it would be a good idea for you all to introduce your characters I'm a paladin so obviously call me Paladin short for paladonald or call me sir Donald Master Don sexy what's up guys I'm obarman dornwood and elf Archer very nice Paladin and obarman decent fantasy name so far now it's your turn Joe this is a role-playing game Joe why did you come as yourself how am I myself aren't you dressed as an old pedophile [ __ ] I'm a cleric this seems mildly inappropriate guys chill out right so I am a human cleric heralding from the pious God-fearing settlements of Illinois I'm proficient in healing and my name is Joey great name nice one Joey that that name kind of sucks no well come on now don't listen to him Joey but um thanks again for doing this Ben none of us are experienced dungeon Masters so we thought you'd be perfect to ease us into this world it is my pleasure yeah it's so nice to meet you blah blah blah but can we start right so the Journey Begins our adventurers set off through the land of Ura Helm the weather is excuse me what God damn it Don what I'm just yawning it's a natural body function no you said yawn you didn't actually yawn behave paladonald don't worry about these leftists spin I'm on your side okay then where was I I'm here so the adventurers arrive at the town of caldheim searching for work but they hear murmurs amongst the civilians of a fierce Bandit Camp looming outside the walls now what now we take our turns yeah but where are the pieces where's the board any four pieces to connect it's all in the imagination Yahtzee you say what you want to do and I roll the dice to see if it's successful I attacked Ben you cannot attack the dungeon master attack the Dork Master didn't you tell these guys how to play beforehand Barack I did he's just being stupid I'll go first I know how to play no you do not well I played it before back in 1881 I was a Bard and would yodel for my friends they'd call me Joe Barden 1881 Barack what's up with your friends they're just having fun no it's true God damn it Joe let's say hypothetically that was true then what do you don't bother with that Benjamin he's just at that age let's play okay I searched for a nearby Inn hoping to find some info about the Bandit Camp I will join obarman I will join them too but I'm at the front all right the three of you entered this bustling in patrons all around getting drunk and having a good time paladon approaches the Dwarven bartender what do you say Dwarven gross I asked to see their work permit for [ __ ] sake um okay so we'll do a Charisma check would you like to persuade or intimidate intimidate they don't deserve my kindness very well you got a three the Dwarven bartender looks at you confused and walks away she will now ignore you a woman why didn't you say so pardon me Milady where are my manners are you an illegal you lost the Charisma check Paladin she won't talk to you anymore [ __ ] I'm paladon the golden god the most Charming man in all the lands there's no way I can fail a Charisma check but you did that's a fact no worries Paladin let me talk to her I walk up to her and say Excuse Me Miss we've heard of your Town's struggle against Bandits and want to help is there anyone hiring bounty hunters the bartender looks at you with concern she has her guard up thanks to Paladin whatever I try to ease the tension by telling a joke okay another Charisma check for performance and it's a success hell yeah way to go a bar man [ __ ] you tell a funny joke about Paladin's small hands to the bartender and she giggles feeling at ease she points you to a hooded man sitting alone at the back of the Inn [ __ ] you all right no way you have more Charisma than me whatever it's fine it's okay Paladin there will be plenty more chances to win roles I attacked the bartender Jesus Christ aren't you Jewish correct me too nope as the dungeon master I must advise attacking the bartender will lead to everyone in the inn and the town's guard to come after you most likely killing you I attacked Ben shabibo stop it Don I call the town guard to arrest The Immigrant dwarf no okay slow down what do you want to do I swing my blade towards her head I warn you though she's a dwarf with high agility plus you failed the intimidation so she's even more alert you'll need a 17 or above oh nice a 17 are you serious not good oh lord well Paladin swings his mighty blade in a horizontal Arc slicing the Beloved bartender's head cleanly off yeah I like this game well you've kind of ruined it there is statistically no way you can get out of this alive everyone in the Inn stares in disbelief and horror other groups of adventurers Warriors and the town guard are alerted they approach you with weapons drawn ready to kill I do another persuasion role try to convince them the bartender was working for the bandits clever idea obarman you roll and fail the people do not believe in your lies and get angrier it's okay Lads I got this I intimidate them calling them [ __ ] ass [ __ ] a two the people are now enraged with Fury nothing can save you now Almighty goddess says rondria I call upon your divine blessing once more it is I your loyal servant Joey I ask thee to enchant your calming Holiness Upon This Town to make them forget their anger and save us from this Peril you now roll with disadvantage two dice the lowest number will decide your fate but anything lower than 20 means the game is over so it's been fun guys thanks guys you got two twenties my goodness critical success that's my boy my savior my cleric I don't believe this well Joey calls upon the Divine favor of his goddess a holy blinding light and shrouds the town and Fades away everyone has forgot about the incident and the dead bartender has miraculously come back to life as if she never got beheaded this is so fun I like it me too so I guess you adventurers want to talk to the hooded man in the back I behead the bartender again no no I restrained Donald taking away his weapon I use a calm spell on Paladin no one can stop me okay I roll for a stream and it fails Don overpowers obaman I roll for the calm spell a one critical failure it fails and backfires onto Joey making him confused I am inevitable uh I roll for a beheading um of course it's 18. bye bye dwarf you know your character is meant to be lawful good exactly I am the law and she's illegal she's not it's a Dwarven Town work permits and National documents aren't required you guys are the immigrants oh her head comes clean off everyone in the town comes to attack you again I run I can't do this Barack this is too stupid it's fine we're all having fun right I attack Joey you are [ __ ] Joey Jesus Christ Barack thanks for inviting me but I'm leaving your friends are [ __ ] stupid yo what the [ __ ] bro don't talk about them like that time to leave Ben shabby [ __ ] I just said I'm leaving yeah there's the door [ __ ] listen kid the fact is this is how we roll I just feel like this all goes against the sanctity of the game you feel well guess what facts don't care about your feelings [ __ ] this [Music] foreign [Music] this game is awesome yeah let's play again soon different dungeon master though I don't like his small dick energy hey be nice Ben is also my friend I prefer big dick what the [ __ ] Don that's a bit too sussy for me bro no [ __ ] sake I meant ah [ __ ] it when are we playing again we should totally do Dungeons and Dragons but set in the universes of games we like oh my God yeah imagine a fantasy fanfic adventure of us doing Dungeons and Dragons Elden ring Edition Elden ring DND so many YouTube video ideas we're not uploading these sessions to YouTube we are not but he will who the [ __ ] are you talking about the one who clones bro we're not role playing anymore you can stop maybe we should role play a psychiatrist to fix Joe's broken brain welcome Vault dwellers Raiders Ghouls and mutants introduce yourselves the name slick brick I'm of course a disciple of Benny who was head of the New Vegas chairman which gives me a bonus to Charisma and luck I'm a I'm a voice leader in the Brotherhood of Steel nope nope I like it you can't be that op at the start power armor is too much let alone leader of the Brotherhood shut up [ __ ] Don't Kill My Vibe I'm trying to impress Elon well Color Me impressed you can simp later but for now change your character fine but help me pick I can't decide between all I'm ready do I go with this or this oh God or this oh cutie what the [ __ ] why do I have so many fingers it's like the AI still needs to learn enough with the AI [ __ ] don't worry about the fingers Don it's lore friendly for Fallout we can say it's a radiation mutation okay what about this what the [ __ ] why are you a sofa radiation mutation God damn it Don hurry and pick so we can start okay I picked this one damn I'm looking good yeah you look like a handsome and a good thanks buddy very well so now introduce yourselves Donald and Joe okay so I am a leader of the I am an initiative of the Brotherhood call me Elon I love it that's just going to get confusing Jesus Barack always moaning shake my head smhtbh fine call me Tesla what about teslard because you're a lard ass Shut the [ __ ] up okay I'm donsworth like the robot I have a bonus to strength and of course it's me so I have exceptional Charisma not bad at all I like it now who are you meant to be Joe it's a strange mystery oh my God I see it now that's so cool the mysterious stranger who what's your name Joe I'm the mysterious stranger my identity is a secret but you can call me Joe Biden I have a bonus with perception strength and Agility very nice okay so let's begin the campaigns good to see you again Ben my name is Elon Elon Musk right and what did I say Ben yes what's the issue it's not the same name are you sure unfortunately our previous dungeon master Ben Shapiro got into a horrible car accident leaving him in a wheelchair he'll never walk again skill issue poor guy but maybe he would have been safer if he drove a Tesla huh yeah good one Elon call me Mr musk wow what an honor the [ __ ] right so the adventure begins slick donsworth and Joe leave the confines and safety of Vault 420 and emerge out into the unforgiving wastelands damn look at this post hole what a mess reminds me of the towns your drones hit bar shut the [ __ ] up Don's worth and stay in character oh my bad sorry reminds me of the time all your drone strikes destroyed countless cities slick you [ __ ] [ __ ] I attacked donsworth what the [ __ ] why are you attacking me guys come on I thought you only target Middle Eastern I use my Vats for increased perception and aim do a dexterity check and Target one of Don's kneecaps before that I roll for a Charisma check persuading Barack to piss his pants how will that help Don's worth rolls oh and it's a four slick brick does not piss his pants say bye to your kneecap [ __ ] I rolled a shoe 16. Direct Hit no dunsworth falls to the ground screaming in pain and Agony Bleeding Out get in character and scream ah [ __ ] sake sorry guys I lost my cool just say you're in character right right yeah don't mess with slick brick ah I use my Divine holy healing to cure donsworth's ailments what wrong Universe Joe who take this stim pack and heal him oh right I use a stim pack on Don's wort's knee patching it up as good as new do you want to roll yes I do a constitution saving throw it's a 12. you stopped Don's worth bleeding and he can walk again but with a limp he'll need more time to fully recover great [ __ ] job Barack I'm now a [ __ ] like Ben shabibo sounds like a personal problem okay can we continue I want to see what this universe has to offer the presidential Wanderers continue their journey across the decrepit landscape in the distance they see what looks to be oh no A rad scorpion this large mutated scorpion has a deadly Stinger wait let him finish usually comes in packs all right well we have limited ammo limited supplies that we don't need to be Reckless with this scorpion limited supplies oh my [ __ ] God we're gonna starve to death I see a small one-room building over to the right perhaps we can lay low in there good idea we can look out the window until the Scorpion goes back underground wonderful so the presidential survivors enter what was once a public restroom stalls and urinals and broken sinks fill this room up Jesus Christ we're actually fine on that front interception skills very well and what do you hope to see some food some water anything to drink you donsworth is able to scope out all the food and water in this public toilet unfortunately the only food are some chems called mentats and the dirty radiated water in the toilet I eat the mentats and drink the toilet water Jesus Christ Don be careful with the chems in this universe they're highly addictive it's my job to explain the world Joe I'm the mysterious stranger sorry mysterious stranger who donsworth consumes the mentats temporarily increasing his intelligence and perception oh boy sorry morons I'm the smartest one now he also drinks the highly radiated toilet water improving his hydration but also increasing his rad slightly I'm smart as [ __ ] I'm hydrated as [ __ ] and I'm rad as [ __ ] I keep drinking the toilet water until my hydration is full Jesus you really are a Dungy I keep drinking we're not remotely close to dying of thirst drinking donsworth gets severe radiation poisoning his bowels are burning and he drops to the ground what the [ __ ] wow didn't see that coming I don't have any Rat away to cure him all I have are lots of berry mentats and jet fuel dunsworth's bowels let out a loud Belch alerting nearby creatures oh my God [ __ ] we're going to be surrounded and Don can't even move I attack slick with a sharp maneuver nope you hold that in so more creatures don't come we'll have to leave donsworth here and lure the creatures away [ __ ] sake Don we're about to sacrifice ourselves for you whilst all you do is [ __ ] everywhere whatever at least I won't die of thirst you [ __ ] idiot the mysterious stranger leaves his bag of chems with Don's worth and then leaves the restroom with slick brick all the rad scorpions are now focused on them excuse me I'm the dungeon master here sorry Elon no problem Joe call me Joe the Scorpions start chasing them as donsworth continues to writhe in pain in the toilets [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] okay I do a wisdom check try to find any weapons that can help a 17 not bad you find a rusty lock container beneath some Rubble ahead but there's no key I only have one lock pick [ __ ] what if it breaks you got this I roll for a dexterity check to lock pick this container my goodness an 18. the container is unlocked okay okay okay ERM I activate my new Vegas Fortune Finder luck perk I don't think it works like that but I'll allow it with a roll I roll to increase the chances of finding a good weapon inside oh my spaghetti monster you got a 19. good job okay I opened the container and it's and it's oh what's this is that an m42 fat man mini nuke launcher holy [ __ ] my goodness teacher you praise the sun I roll to steal it you're nowhere near us dumbass the Scorpions surround Joe and slick they are out of options damn unfortunately I we might have to use this nuke on the ground we're standing on killing all the creatures but also ourselves man I I don't want to go man me neither at least [ __ ] Don will be okay sorry about shooting you bro guys no yeah let's do it he can live on for our sake no no guys stop I will roll one last time to Nuke the ground and destroy all the creatures no no no no Elon [ __ ] do something please I can't do anything no no [ __ ] this I can't let you guys die alone out there because boys this world ain't worth being in without you don't I'm emotional enough already let us die Elon I eat all the chems Joe left for me what you all don't realize is I've been holding in this in this radiation chart all this time wow what a man the [ __ ] I rolled to let out an ultimate move to save my friend OMG a 20. this is truly astonishing calm down Elon Your Enthusiasm is distracting amazing critical success so donsworth lets out an emotional radiated queef we can't hear it but everyone understands what has happened rad scorpions and rabid dogs from across the Wasteland forget what they were doing and start sprinting towards dawnsworth uh we hear thuds hissing pounding at the door these creatures want to break inside and see what's up they know the smell is coming from donsworth but they don't know why or how what the [ __ ] that was beautiful I'm crying in a club for real slowly all the creatures surrounding the public restroom die from severe toxic poisoning the gang is safe I'm amazing my hero my [ __ ] Jesus Christ it was all part of the plan boys what even is this game I leave the restroom fully hydrated and meet up with the boys the trio of Heroes get back together once more delving deeper into the desolation but hope emerges as they see a sign for Sanctuary Hills in the distance you see an eager man wearing a cowboy hat and a beige duster coat it looks like he wants to ask you something oh no is that yeah it's Preston Garvey you found his settlement you are safe at last oh okay wait hold on guys okay guys I do apologize and this has been a blast but my private jet is waiting I have an important meeting to attend ooh what is it about nothing I'm just going to Tweet hate towards my lazy employees understandable have a nice day good seeing you Elon there's the door [ __ ] take care guys bye Mr musk I just want to get to know you are you a cinephile I'll text you later Don I'm blushing your cheeks are turning orange oh wait never mind bye foreign [Music] before we finish let's use the Donald what I mean let's use the fat man hey [ __ ] you I hand over the fat man mini nuke launcher to Don's worth you've earned it buddy guys uh I'm gonna cry this is the best gift I've ever received give them hell buddy I roll to Nuke the settlement and Destroy Preston Garvey and his friends three but that doesn't count doesn't count it doesn't count doesn't count I 16 first try let's go boys dawnsworth launches the mini nuke from the infamous fat man launcher Straight Into the Heart of sanctuary Hills completely eviscerating and devouring every single being in this settlement the boys kick back from afar as the mushroom cloud expands in the distance woohoo what a moment good job guys Another War crime successfully complete war war never changes and neither will our friendship for sure bro I love it wonder who we can get to DM for us next I have a friend who might be available awesome well now that the game's over want to go meet Miyazaki at the pub classic Mia I swear he's always there all right let's go brothers first round's on him sorry guys my friend was busy playing with nuclear warheads so he couldn't make it today it's all right Joey I made some last minute phone calls and our dungeon master should be here any minute who is it my goodness could it be it is hello guys it's good to see you again holy mother I appreciate you accepting my invitation Ben glad you're back Benji these guys said you have small dick energy and a rat bastard coward and called your wheelchair a skill issue but I said come on be nice Ben is a good lad and Israel is okay you're unbelievable it's okay I had a lot of time to think about life on my hospital bed I saw a lot everything everywhere and nothing then I Heard a Voice God no Allah both mean the same thing what the [ __ ] a Jewish Muslim well I don't know yet will you cut your foreskin again why am I here be careful of Barack he likes to hit your kind from above you dumb [ __ ] let's get something straight your drone strike numbers far exceed mine it's called a high score Jesus Christ this is extremely offensive it's okay our writer isn't white our writer oh huh I get it you're doing the AI joke again well guys I don't know what I am I'm still searching for answers I just see a lot of Beauty in the Holy books no cap and well all I know is I want to be a better person and have friends you have us buddy yeah you have him thanks guys so how about we begin what we're here for I even set up a new campaign whilst I was in the hospital Don has also learned how to play and will finally behave I'm no murder hobo but I will murder any hobos didn't ask so let's start with a quick reintroduction to your characters come on you all already know who I am I go by many many names the golden god the genetic freak and of course Paladin with an o You're shaped like an O I attacked the old man who has an affinity towards the younger demographic we uh we haven't started yet I know I'm announcing that I'm literally going to attack him in real life guys behave let's make it easy for Ben he's been through enough okay sorry barbar I like your wheels Benjo right so I'll introduce myself now I am obarman the wood elf Archer I am proficient in Long Range combat sneak attacks and high in agility excellent now your turn Joey I see you've got a new look indeed my Divine goddess has told me many things many secrets and I have learned the power of the dark arts I'm now a warlock proficient in Arcane and high in strength strength not sure it works like that but I'm trying to be a more flexible dungeon master so it's good nice Wheels Ben stop I'm really glad you're here Ben shut up Don oh is that how it is huh I can't be [ __ ] nice to Ben now I can't say I'm glad to see him that I'm happy he's here what is this [ __ ] liberal censorship it's okay Don I appreciate what you said shut up wheels I'm talking here you ever thought about wearing a diaper on your head why would I do that to cover the [ __ ] that comes out your mouth good one you're cute Barack [ __ ] I'm adorable right okay guys let us begin but why call me Joey the three friends Oberman Joey and Paladin arrive in the town of kinsville a diverse Melting Pot filled with races and people from all walks of life gross but just like most places it hides some dark secrets Within oh boy okay so I need two more gold coins to upgrade my knives I go further into town looking for jobs I follow obarman on his quest I go the other way because I ain't no follower [ __ ] obarman and Joey Advanced towards the busy town square and see the giant looming statue of a mighty warrior in the center it is King ragas first of his name a noble human with Royal Blood it depicts his mighty struggle and Triumph during the Goliath Wars so cool I like it I look around the square with Joey for a job board as your search continues you sense someone's presence a mysterious beggar has been watching your every step he slowly limps towards you covered in rags concealing his face with a hood Rags wait you said beggar a [ __ ] hobo you know how I feel about hobos aren't you somewhere else I came back why I got lonely greetings adventurers he says in a frail voice you look like a group of worthy people capable of great things huh he gets me I have a job for you if you so wish aha perfect pay me let's find out what it is first you see I do not have many belongings however I did have one precious Ruby it was my granddaughter's last gift to me but a man in his goon stole it I would be ever so grateful if you brought it back certainly sir it would be an honor to help you who stole it from you and where can we find it Savannah pinkor an eccentric flamboyant orc with ties to the criminal underworld he owns this part of the town's Gentleman's Club gentlemen's club say no more it would be my honor to find your diamond and get a lap dance it is a ruby and it's in his office he's currently away elsewhere so this job shouldn't be much trouble for three tough Heroes like you simply get inside retrieve the Ruby and return it what's in it for us old man I do not have much to offer but I can pay you with some golden information keep your gold we'll get your Ruby hi Joey solemnly swear to return the Ruby to you my friend he lifts his head slightly and mutter is a thank you before pointing to the club's location the mysterious beggar then turns and walks away leaving you to begin your quest oh my goodness is this a friggin strip club Heist my man Ben you've outdone yourself with this campaign bet you love the strip clubs don't you you horny dog the doctor said I'll never be able to use my dick again like it was ever being used to begin with come on Don not cool Don no no I meant I love your dick Benji what the [ __ ] Palace very cool Paladin thank you that means a lot actually okay so we all go to Savannah pinkor's Gentleman's Club the three adventurers dive deeper into the underbelly of the Town a place for the outcasts the Damned and the sinners you see the club but its entrance is guarded by a large Knight all right let's come up with a plan boys what would Elon do that reminds me what happened to your previous dungeon master unfortunately Elon got into a severe car crash and developed cancer truly an unlucky day for him snowflake must be those electric cars just beaming with radiation totally we approached them no Barman I'm the leader here we approach the giant Knight who becomes intimidated by my broad shoulders and raw masculine energy the giant Knight does not react to the three adventurers coming towards him oh hello pardon me my Lord my compatriots Joey the Warlock and a Barman the dark elf why are you calling me a dark elf oh dear oh Lord oh hamburgers I rolled a [ __ ] slap Paladin I rolled to Take Ben's wheelchair oh come on um so the guard looks upon the disarray of your group and puts his hand towards his sheets blade greetings fine giant night sir it is I Joey blessed by the Divine holy mother Maiden herself student of the dark holy Arts we'd like to enter your fine establishment the stoic guard takes his hand off the blade and stands there I roll for a Charisma check to persuade a 14. woohoo Snake Eyes no you need two ones for that do you ever hear the universe screaming the night slowly gestures his arm towards the door accepting your request to enter good job Joey I roll to see some hot winches why don't you wait until we're in the club I want them now uh okay Paladin rolls for a wisdom check to search for hot wenches outside the club woohoo Snake Eyes no you need you got a four you find no winches you have no [ __ ] and the night looms over you idiot let's get inside you go upstairs and find yourself in savon's club purple fire dimly lights the room you can see and smell the debauchery as patrons are fulfilling their Cardinal lust upon the stage you see muscular beefy scantily clad male Orcs dancing around on pole muscular Orcs are you [ __ ] kidding me ah okay a gay orc bar that's pretty unique do these Orcs even have work permits I'm lawful good by the way we're not doing that [ __ ] again paladonald yes they all have work permits and are all legal citizens apart from the sad state of orc trafficking these guys succumb to in the harsh underworld of the sex industry don't care about that I roll to find some sexy ladies it's a gay bar you're a gay bar an orc chiseled to the brim with several ABS approaches you his white horns reflect the Purple Haze and his eyes glow red with passion he flexes his hairy chest and offers you a lap dance listen I'm not gay but God damn that's an alpha looking masculine specimen right there just like me Focus paladonald hmm okay so one of us can take this lap dance and persuade the orc to tell us where the office is not me oh [ __ ] off no way in hell I'm doing it your time to shine pal hell no I thought you liked his chiseled body [ __ ] you obaman should do it he's used to doing this at home how isn't Michelle a man I attack paladon what the [ __ ] I attacked Ben shabibo what the [ __ ] whoo guys please I my health let's focus okay okay fine for Ben's sake come on peladonnell you have the highest Charisma stat no no no no I don't want to show them my paladong I am loyal to Ivanka you mean Melania who there's no dong showing or even a lap dance just talking [ __ ] sake I'll talk to him my hero my barbar for real I roll to bribe the hunky orc with gold to get Savannah's office location say it but it's oh Jesus woohoo Snake Eyes Obama rolls a 16. the orc Winks at you before taking your gold coin and placing it in his packed loin Club he motions his head to the giant unmissable sign that says office great however two beefy menacing sexy Orcs guard each side of the door oh boy now what it's my time to shine boys the Divine holy mother gave me a vision about this earlier it's a guaranteed success I will cast a fire spell in secret burning this curtain forcing everyone to evacuate and then we sneak in and out genius plan Joey it was my plan doing sneaky magic in a crowded place will be hard to achieve therefore you roll with a disadvantage two dice and the lowest decides your outcome I rolled a cast fire you just got two ones you're not going to say it say what snake eyes you got [ __ ] Snake Eyes what's that I uh I'm not sure this is good for my health who right so Joey unfortunately rolls a critical Ultra failure his magic explodes into his face and he slips on the curtain falls back and smashes through a window the patrons in Orcs And sultry onlookers gasp and turn towards the noise the office guards leave their post and come to check the commotion perfect great job Joey as they are distracted paladonald and I sneak past everyone and enter the office you get into savon's office filled to the brim with purple velvet even a black light wouldn't be enough to find all the stains in here gross you see the ruby in a glass case in front of you hell yeah I'll be taking that no you will not I know you're not going to give it back to the old man oh Barman you know me so well buddy Oberman swipes the Ruby and conceals it the duo walk out and see a crowd has gathered around the window still distracted I can hear the planet crying Ben you go outside and see Joey who has been propped up by the giant Knight the Knight begins to gently Pat Joey's head thank you giant kind sir we should probably get out of here before they figure out what happened good idea let's go the sneaky Trio head out of the city part of town and I'm so sorry guys it appears I am late for my Physiotherapy there might be a chance I can get feeling in my legs again oh that's great Ben I must leave but we can save this campaign for now and continue it next time sounds good buddy great seeing you again take care Benny babe there's the door my friend all right [Music] what a nice guy yeah maybe I was wrong about him he's a cute rat I can't wait to continue this story oh yeah we didn't give the Ruby back to the hobo it's okay we'll do it later on this week no I'm gonna do it now you can't play with Ben gone he's worked hard on this campaign we'll continue next time he's here don't care cry more I will roll nothing you do right now will be canon in the Dungeons and Dragons president metaverse when we continue the story next time see youth mauld piss More Jesus I rolled to behead the hobo for [ __ ] sake 20 critical success I behead the hobo twice you got a four whatever I rolled to stab his dead body I thought you were going to stop this and be lawful good Renegade for life well this was another great session with the lads it really was it's always fun with you guys around hehe and now we get to go back to baracks for some good food yeah Michelle's cooking her famous ravioli oh Jolly G that's my favorite I can't wait me two boys me too let's go guys I'd like you to meet my friend Kim such an honor to meet you thanks for making it here Kim how was your flight from North Korea does he speak English he's just shy what's going on Joe I'm a huge fan of you guys holy [ __ ] I'm blushing sorry guys I sometimes freeze when I'm nervous how was your flight was okay but I'm still hungry congrats on the big Oscar win by the way no what are you talking about Big Boy didn't your family win for everything everywhere all at once I rolled to use malakith's death blade on Donald so he can shut the [ __ ] up forever baby those are different Asians who won none were North Korean or South Korean or east Korean or west Korea I'm not racist I see no color what about orange well you 'd be looking like a scrumptious zesty Citrus snack uh-oh I'd like to taste that forbidden Citrus everywhere all at once if you know what I mean no no uh Senpai I'm Korean so hey I'm surprised you're a fan of this tabletop game Kim yeah uh I didn't know they had Dungeons and Dragons over there we have lots of dungeons over there it's great what uh I see you ate all the food from over there too I think we'll get along just fine yeah thanks by the way you gonna finish that finish what that extra finger it'd be looking real good you're you're a cannibal my Hunger is eternal the consumption will never end uh has the role playing started he's so fun and a big fan of Eldon ring my favorite character is the dung Eater of course it is I relate to his hunger okay I eat a lot yep don't you also like saying don't eat or Don no no I don't even like a juicy jawbreaker with a mysterious core I want to lick all right relax and after I'm done with him I'll take a bite out of that smooth chocolate skin of yours this is so fun no don't make me hashtag me to your ass Kim I know Elon Musk relax I will eat Twitter now introduce your succulent characters who are you in the world of AI we can be anyone we want to be you mean in the world of Dungeons and Dragons what's that hungry also can we address the elephant in the room we decide to start an Elden ring DND game and you idiots went with Demi Gods as your chosen characters why am I the only one to choose something normal and basic sounds like a personal problem I mean I thought a wizard would be cool was almost tempted to go for a samurai build though Samurai huh you like the Asian persuasion big boy I'm married more food for me all right then well I guess I'll start the introductions I'm wizerak a truth Seeker I'm a mage proficient in intelligence cute wizard build Barack but now it's time for something interesting I'm obviously the golden god part of the golden lineage don't be alarmed that's not a real lion beside me it's my helmet you can probably guess who my character is based on call me General radonald very nice wizerak and radonald I am of course Chieftain of the goodlands Joe rabu proficient and grappling and I like animals cute puppies and lions all huh interesting I thought you'd want to be an omen like MOG why so you can role play as a child kidnapper you're a funny guy rat Donald and I like that it only makes me hungrier stop so can we start our adventure into the lands between I want to venture into the lands between those cheeks Dawn please stop yeah enough leave my boy alone Kim is just playing he's a nice guy all right arm so how does this work I usually end up eating everyone so we never start the campaigns very cool so Joe raw raw Donald and wizric make it to the lands between filled with wonders and worries they see the overwhelming golden glimmering herb tree in the far distance so cool if only I could be so grossly incandescent nearby they come across vast golden Fields with some golden Grace guiding them towards a minor air tree whoa gorgeous absolutely gorgeous this is wonderful wow what a surprise you like the look of a minor as the presidential tarnish Trio Trek through the fields they come across a blue-skinned witch with four arms and she says yo what's up it's me Rena but I am masking my true identity come on Kim I know you can make your voice more like hers fine hello are the tarnished thou here for glory and grace I am Rena and I have four arms which allow me to eat more food no Focus Kim Jesus okay okay Thou Art meeting with Rena but I am masking my true identity my true identity is Ronnie so call me Rena great writing Kim okay the freaky witch [ __ ] tells you of a valiant Defender amongst these fields figure out Rena's true identity sounds amazing Kim Let's Go Guys great uh so we need to go find this Defender hmm I guess I'll start by using my high intelligence to investigate right right and as you investigate Joe raw and I can look over there for a brothel or something as wizerak investigates the godskin duo looked to find answers elsewhere God's skin Duo he's calling you fat as [ __ ] Joe I roll for an intelligence check you find hoof Prince of a horse leading Eastward wait Kim stop Kim take that D20 away from your mouth so hungry okay so we meet back up with wizerak and follow the footprints and out of nowhere bam the tree Sentinel Defender shows up as gold as a McNugget and as Fierce as the wings from hot ones this will truly be a tough battle oh God are you boys ready hell yeah we got this the tree Sentinels armor class is 50 in history ours is like less than five we're level one oh no the tree Sentinel charges forward piercing his mighty Spears straight into the heart and soul and tight hole of Joe Raw he instantly dies oh my Godwin you killed Joey you bastard I roll to attack that tree [ __ ] with all my Might and Magic a 20 critical hit you do one damage only 499 more hits to go oh for [ __ ] sake this is not good my Joe my boy I miss him I'm right here what the [ __ ] how are you back I just responded the grave site nearby oh oh the tree Sentinel eats his delicious horse and does some golden magic or something you all die great fun you all back yeah good as new cool campaign Kim no maybe from soft games with their respawning and hard bosses aren't balanced enough to be in the DND format yeah or just take that mechanic out Kim and rebalance the bosses I beat that boss first try no you didn't yes I ate him great I will nuke America one day but all that greasy greasy hamburger goodness you offer keeps distracting me okay I like to eat oh yeah I think we got that respawning is a unique aspect in DND thanks Kim no problem my sweet kitten Joe what would you want to respawn as if you died Kim you well why so I can feel you please Godwin help me I roll to eat red Donald what the [ __ ] what is going on the hunger it's okay he's joking nope it's true I think it's time to stop [Music] sorry guys I just got an important text McDonald's just released a quadruple Deluxe cancer Burger I gotta go bye bye Kimmy enjoy the rest of your life huh there's the door [ __ ] see you soon pumpkins [Music] [Music] mission complete what you boys don't understand this was all a covert operation to assassinate Kim Jong-un I knew he couldn't resist a game of Elden ring Dungeons and Dragons so I befriended him and invited him here knowing that he'll get into a car crash holy [ __ ] you sick son of a [ __ ] my God I love you damn Joe you're hardcore as [ __ ] how did you know he'd get into a car crash did you set that up as well no it wasn't me still trying to figure out what's going on with that looks like America is safe from a North Korean nuclear Threat all thanks to you my hero my Patriot my Joe Obama so North Korea is free for the taking I suddenly heard they have some oil there then it looks like it's time to give them a taste of democracy woohoo [Music] can you turn that off it's real Annoying sorry about that well thanks for coming Ben can't tell you how much we appreciate it thought you might have stayed at the hospital to rest lazy no worries I just got really bored there and wanted to continue this Dungeons and Dragons campaign I thought you found a law so isn't this fantasy world Haram maybe that's why he's sending cars crashing into your spine I'm not Muslim I have no labels oh thank God would hate to deport you mid-campaign that's islamophobic no no no I love the Muslims for real on Allah so what are you Ben I don't know I found many things during the second coma I found the beauty of God Yahweh Allah and more beings even Buddha you saw Buddha the skinny one or the Donald one are you calling me [ __ ] enlightened because I agree I don't know it's not really what I saw but how I felt you know there's no science behind God no studies or facts I care more about my feelings than facts right now I see what you did there well good luck on your spiritual journey Ben if you find the answers let us know thank you I guess coming close to death several times kind of changes one's perspective God must really love you keeps trying to get you into heaven or it's not God but something else kooky conspiracy Joe back at it again well enough about me I think it's time we continue our journey from where we left off you undertook a strip club Heist successfully nabbing the Ruby from Savannah pinkor's office now it's time to meet the old beggar and return it sounds awesome Ben I'll be honest I kind of missed you should boots confidential national security stuff right right I apologize I forgive you but I won't forget okay so let's start with a quick reintroduction to your characters paladonald the Paladin well Barman the ranger hi I'm Joey the cleric I am proficient in healing my highest status wisdom and my lowest status strength and I'm ready and I am not listening is Joey allowed to keep switching his classes if he was allowed to switch classes I'm sure he'd pick kindergarten stop um typically no the rules of DnD 5e don't have any retaining feature but according to my notes it appears I've allowed it in this campaign hmm I don't remember writing some of this stuff down even with all the cars landing on your head your memory is still better than sleepy Joe's dementia great now it's time to continue our adventure the trio of obarman Paladin and Joey head out of the city part of kinsville and away from the gay club with the ruby in their possession they go back to the old man are we really giving the Ruby back we made a vow come on Paladin don't you want to live up to your Paladin oath this might be my last day before they arrest me I say we sell the Ruby and go to a casino with Blackjack and hookers aren't hookers what got you into this mess the old man appears out of nowhere and interrupts your conversation I can already tell you found my Ruby thank you so much he says as he holds out his hands no no no let's think about it paladon come on man I'm trying to be a better person for Michelle for my daughters oh boohoo with your estrogen there's no coming back from the things we've done I disagree we can always redeem ourselves redeem these nuts in your mouth I hand the Ruby back to the old man I behead the old man again again no I didn't play when you were gone it's not true the old man senses your hesitation and reaches into his pocket it turns out he did have gold all along it is a heavy pouch filled with 500 coins this is for your troubles he says I knew it you cheeky Jew Ben holding out on me with the gold that's anti-semitic no no I'm not anti-symmetrical I love Gal Gadot and all hot juice for real on Yahweh [ __ ] sake everything is going exactly as planned you don't have to add in extra rewards Ben just needs to learn to shut the [ __ ] up and behave no no the gold was always part of the quest reward CEO barmensch this is why I'm the businessman I always get us the best I'm all about this and you look like you're all about meals too shut the [ __ ] up Joe surprised you didn't sniff that old man's beard whoo I exchanged the Ruby for the pouch of gold and I take that pouch I'll hold on to this Obama thank you so much says the old man before he turns and limps away 500 Jewish gold it's not Jewish oh boy I wonder what we can buy golly gee let's go see what snacks this town has to offer I could do with a chocolate chocolate chip ice cream or maybe chocolate chocolate chocolate chip with sprinkles and maybe a flake and even some vanilla sauce and chocolate chip you must have so many unique animal stakes in this world damn you boys have got me all hungry let's go find ourselves the finest restaurant I wonder if there's a Hooters okay so the three adventurers after completing their first Quest head towards the food District of the Town excited to spend that hard-earned gold until until until holy golly Magoo what was that noise I didn't hear anything in the blink of an eye a shadow covers you and disappears you all look up to see a black Pegasus this dark Majestic creature has never graced this side of the realm with its presence before high up in the sky it flaps its wings and gallops its feet in the air getting further and further away my goodness wish I could take a picture but cameras haven't been invented yet did you say it's never been seen here before Benny or how taste teacher and the first thing you want to do is sell it if we had one of those we could go anywhere I'd roll to attack it it's in the sky paladon you cannot reach it all right relax I rolled to throw my sword at it like an epic Javelin killing it and capturing it idiot you roll with two dice for the distance disadvantage an 18 and a two disadvantage means we go with the lowest number woohoo that's 20 in total not how it works you got a two peladon launches his sword into the air but the black Pegasus was too high up now there's a sharp deadly blade falling from the sky at a remarkable speed oh god let's get in cover I put my shield up I wonder if they have cows in this realm otherwise what milk is the ice cream going to be made of as you all brace yourselves for paladon sword you see a group of five rugged tough looking Bandits 10 feet away from you they're part of the Thieves Guild and are too distracted watching the Pegasus fly away to notice the blade coming towards them oh no oh yes the sword lands in the back of one of the unsuspecting Bandits heads instantly killing him woohoo sorry obarman my high score just keeps getting bigger you are now engaged in combat combat with hobo Bandits when are we going to fight dragons and make out with the queen or whatever patience paladon all good stories take time to develop I'm not sure how much time Joe has left in this world though gosh I love it thinking about all the exciting things we'll discover in this story yes in the coming years I hope to introduce new factions animals races monsters even new bugs here's a cute bug Fact one day you will have to answer for your sins and God may not be so merciful okay guys let's focus there's no respawning in this world we have to take every fight serious as any one of them could be our last wait what and this dumbass lost his sword wait what it's okay guys I use the legendary hero lucky the [ __ ] does that even mean wait this is someone else's memory so I can go through the basics of combat with you guys there's usually an initiative order based on dexterity go on but since this is your first time I'll give you the advantage of surprise come on then the unsuspecting Bandits are startled and confused by a sword from the skies impaling their comrade they are not fully ready for combat yet I roll to roll away no let's listen to Ben first right so we've got the initiative order obarman goes first due to his highest dexterity [ __ ] you have many options for your actions now attacking depends on the enemy's Armor class or AC if your role is greater than or equal to their AC it's a hit then we roll again for how much damage AC roll again my arms are going to get tired with all this rolling most exercise you've had in a while maybe try exercising your brain before the Parkinson's takes over completely Focus guys well there's a lot to keep track of keep it simple Benny for Joey's sake not mine okay fine just roll once for your actions and I'll keep track of all your stats and determine if it's a success or not perfect so this will be our first serious fight don't mess about guys Paladin since you have no sword focus on using your shield to protect us don't tell me what to do I'm Captain America oh no please no I roll a 20 to throw my shield and bounce it off every Bandit's head and get [ __ ] um okay but obarman was meant to go first due to initiative right okay relax Ben let them play how they want be a flexible dungeon master don't get angry it's not good for your health remember the god voices you know what Ben do you really need to relax uh you got a two you throw your shield and a bandit catches it increasing his defense by three you're a special kind of dumb [ __ ] aren't you Don oh God I'm swordless I'm shieldless and bitchless we're also outnumbered four versus three yet so what special moves do we all have does anyone have any radiated toilet water maybe I can do my ultimate move wrong Universe I keep trying to call the Divine mother's holy Grace again but she won't respond to my DMs anymore and we can't respawn [ __ ] we're gonna die please know I'm too young and handsome to die someone help I call for help mommy your mom's dead skill issue no wait idiots no one is going to die and they're just Bandits we've got this I'm proficient in movement and archery so I move away from the bandits to increase my Longbow damage I use my Archer's eye trade as a bonus action to further increase my damage and then I roll to unleash a multi-attack with my Borough a 16. excellent work obarman these Bandits are caught by surprise and aren't wearing any helmets so your first Arrow cleanly pierces one of their skulls and the second Arrow wounds another woohoo great work barbar now it's 3v3 we're gonna make it your turn now Joey you got this Joey come on Old Man damn it did you really have to bring your hospital bed Benny Joe's getting sleepy just looking at it ahilo Barman full health he's at full health Joey what else can you do I turn the undead there are no zombies here my Divine domain is of life and love unfortunately in this class and at my current level I can't do much in terms of damage it's okay buddy you're still my friend however I can Channel my Divinity of love to charm one of the bandits getting them on our side excellent choice Joey you rolled a charm using your domain and it's a success now I roll a wisdom saving throw for the Bandit what the [ __ ] whose side are you on um no it's just the rules to determine the success of the charm I'm watching you Ben do you better not it fails the charm is a success I never doubted your loyalty Bengal good job Joey we're Unstoppable aren't we I tell the charm Bandit to attack the others and get my friend's Shield back I roll for the bandits attack and it's a 12. he strikes one of his thieving Partners holding the shield for one damage okay now I rolled a spit on the thieves no you've all had your turn now it's the bandits oh boy The Charmed Bandit will remain Charmed until Joey's next turn however the other two thieving Bandits watch you closely with their agile Mobility they are able to move away from their Charmed friend to avoid an opportunity attack so many words is it my turn yet one Thief rolls to attack paladon with a throwing knife and it's a success it hit your arm for two HP don't worry I'll use everything I have to heal you on my turn Paladin stop right there you hear someone shouting from afar oh no not more trouble the town's guards approach you holding their Shields and Spears ready to attack finally some help hello guards these Mexican thieves are thieving and breaking the law or something nope the other Thief rolls to throw The Shield at paladon to distract then uses his abilities fast hands and Thief reflexes leave me alone Advantage roll due to distracting paladon and it's a success the thief steals the gold pouch paladon is holding and they disengage and flee from combat [ __ ] what the absolute [ __ ] [ __ ] is this no my ice cream money as the town's guard approaches you from the front you hear some heavy footsteps from behind well at least we survived the combat good job guys ball sacks all our hard-earned gold I kept telling you guys about building walls but no one listens no one ever listen I said you hear some heavy footsteps from behind all right you all turn around and see my gosh it's my friend the large Knight who was standing outside the gay orc Club turns out he wasn't its bouncer he looks down at you and is ready to unsheath his blade he's on our side right I want to hug him you're under arrest says the town's guard seems like the king wants to punish you personally for crimes against the kingdom what the [ __ ] no no there has to be a mistake I roll to persuade the guards that were innocent a four you fail to persuade and they punch Paladin in the stomach why me the guard nods to the large Knight behind you it seems they're all working together the rest of the guards surround you and place you under arrest covering your heads with sacks so you can't see [ __ ] I've had enough arrest for one lifetime shabibo plus look at my skin got no melanin why would they [ __ ] arrest me [Music] I'm sorry guys my sister just messaged me she wants me to go help her even though I'm in a hospital bed still I can't say no to her I wouldn't be able to say no to her either my goodness is she well endowed I agree I like it plus your daughter is very sexy too I agree I like it Jesus this is not how I wanted you two to bond well thanks again for another fun DND session Ben yeah so much better than Kim Take Care Ben thank you guys see you later this week and Ben stay safe watch out for any cars we'll do foreign [Music] it seems we can't change Destiny what oh yeah you guys can't hear what I can yeah we're not old enough to be I can't wait for the next session I wonder what the king will do to us I will take his throne I really wish we could have got some ice cream well bro we're all free right how about we all go get some right now hell yeah boys I'm ready oh golly pip it's time for some Choco Choco chip wake up [Music] I wasn't sleeping hey you finally awake you weren't trying to cross the border right what to escape for your crimes objection border just to catch you up Joey since you were sleeping we were arrested and then I know I didn't miss anything uh I've been here before soon the king will reveal what we must do wait how do you know that this is my unique campaign so you couldn't have played it before I know I know golly gosh I just know we're in Castle regalia in the capital city located in the heart of the regalian Kingdom home to mostly humans uh how come you know so much about the lore of everything Joey isn't it obvious he's so old that he was around when it all actually happened I've lived many lives that role play doesn't fit your character anyways can you all shut up I want to see the sexy Queen where is that babe hiding first let's see what the King has to say whoa look at that glorious beard I King ragus first of my name have brought you here into my esteem [ __ ] act properly I am I'm lawful good that makes no sense is this how you act when meeting leaders yes anytime I've met another country's president they would always submit to my Alpha Masters shut the hell up and role play I'm in pain King Rogers we didn't mean any disrespect I see you all must be Outsiders just like him who the bringer of Doom and destruction no I meant who asked goodness no one has dared to ever speak up to me like this before come on Paladin Focus dumbass fine whatever no it's okay I can handle it you can't even handle walking I will only ask this once so answer with caution and reverence State thy names and who you serve I am Joey a cleric faithful servant to the Divine holy goddess of Harmony I am obarman an elf Ranger and I serve the realm and justice for all I am Pala Donald the Paladin and I serve the gods of tits and wine I see your names all but confirm you are foreign how dare you but now my children give me one good reason why I shouldn't have your heads I asked to know what our crimes are I ask to see my lawyer I asked to stroke that glorious beard silence enough Foolery silence huh really I'm American and I have a right to remain not silent nope besides what is a king to a golden god and what is a golden god to a non-believer all right he got you there so shut the [ __ ] up the king begins to chuckle how about this only one of you will be leaving here alive it will be a trial by combat the winner of this fight walks free the losers well they'll never walk again uh just like shabibo I refuse this offer and I denounce this trial I also refuse to fight my friends oh yeah me too unless Paladin I'm joking unless you there the fat one who's he talking to hello Donald are you willing to kill your friends for Sanctuary for Glory for tits for wine depends if they're queen-sized the king amused by your candidness begins to chuckle and clap we are under dark times my friends so it's been a while since I've left and as I expected you're loyal to each other and you're not despicable sycophants in the face of royalty mentioning the word sycophant seems to have soured the king's mood sick of what explain that word for Joey ask kissers boot lickers thank you from Joey well pardon the Brash introductions I just had to know for sure if you must know you're not here to be charged for any crimes although perhaps you are slightly guilty of crime by association who did we associate with well my spies tell me you were last seen with an old man a man who stole our Kingdom's most prized possession yeah we were only seen with him we didn't steal the Ruby from a Georg club for him or anything like that what call me King fret not for thou aren't the only people who have been manipulated and deceived by this man who is this man anyway the king takes a deep breath and wipes his brow you might want to settle in boys we're about to learn a lot oh boy I'm ready he he has many names many faces in My Kingdom he was supposedly a friend and our lovable Jester he looks trustworthy beloved by all he could make anyone laugh he'd say all the right things a smooth talker silver tongue a sycophant who worked his way up the political ladder no one ever doubted him why would they he'd always make us smile laugh and say all the right things [Music] however beneath all that was a master of Deceit a monster unlike any we could have imagined it turns out he is a shapeshifter whose full intentions still remain unclear we don't even know what his true form even is but the seers the scholar the ancient tomes all the prophecies they confirm he is the harbinger of Doom bringer of calamity conductor of the riftium and they call him Kalos even now I find it hard to believe but when our Celestial Ruby was stolen and with all the Omens the black Pegasus it's all it's all coming true the king closes his eyes a man deeply haunted with regret [ __ ] told you we should have beheaded that hobo that old man was callous I have so many questions it seems the king is feeling despondent it might be difficult to get all the answers you need no problem Benghazi my Charisma stat is high I rolled to ask him the question that's on all our minds very well where is the sexy Queen God damn it um okay you got a four ouch it sometimes hurts for me to speak you got a four it doesn't look like the king heard you or he's choosing to ignore your silly question SMH shake my head so he mentioned a lot uh a Jester betrayed him shapeshifter stole the Ruby then he shape-shifted into an old man don't let him hear this but why was that important Ruby on display in a gay Art Club I don't know something really weird is going on maybe he planned for us to get executed by the king just for fun the king also mentioned conductor of the riftium I will do a persuasion role to understand what that is 15 a success you asked the king for more details of the oncoming doom and the riftium ah yes Thou Art ignorant of our customs and Dogma perhaps I should start with a brief history lesson yes please history well I guess Joey is good golly gee this reminds me of my time back in 2036 Where Mrs pepper Scotch would chase us around during history class with her peg legs she could never catch us okay very well we are the realm of four grand kingdoms regalia in the center kristonia in the South Arizona in the west and trexina in the east though each kingdom has its very own dominant race culture and customs we are all United by the Divine and the celestials oh boy here we go long long ago from the heavens themselves this world was showered with Celestial power in the form of gems these gems were the source of all life and harmony but also the cause of Destruction and chaos to bring balance to the realm a keeper from each kingdom was bestowed with their very own Celestial gem to be used only for the greater good and prosperity of their people each generation new keepers are chosen and the responsibility of guarding the gems are passed down The Aquatic garzonians guard the sapphire the mountainous custodians guard the diamond the forest dwelling trexins guard the emerald and regalian humans were chosen to guard the Ruby we've had 50 prosperous years of peace and Harmony after ending the Goliath Wars this war seemed hopeless at one point but all four kingdoms came together all four Keepers banded as one combining our Celestial gems into a beacon of Carnage to thwart our enemies we fought we bled and we triumphed together all I'm hearing is this [ __ ] King lost the Ruby and decides to arrest us for it coward I rolled over throw the king [ __ ] and steal his Queen how about no keep listening these gems hold unseen and Untold Powers we have still barely scratched the surface of what they're capable of and it appears Kalos understands this as well he is an ancient evil which the prophecies declare will bring upon the riftium a Calamity of instant and utter destruction a riff to swallow worlds across Plains and he plans to do that with the celestial gems he stole our Ruby after years of planning and manipulating and one gem is powerful on its own but if we can perhaps gather the other three together we could easily defeat him and stop this before it's too late man this is a lot of info dumping Ben showed how do you expect me I mean Joey to remember it you're not expected to remember it it will all be expanded on throughout the story I'm just laying the foundation well I like it so where are we by the way Castle regalia but why anyhow my fear is that Kalos is now marching towards the other kingdoms leaving behind a trail of blood to collect the gems and fulfill the prophecy so why not do something to stop him we are we have sent militias troops mercenaries and more across the realm we've set up a bounty hunt and even sent out Ravens to alert the other Keepers but even with all that it may not be enough which is why I am resorting to commanding local adventurers and heroes to join the fight as well I understand my Lord my royal king it is my belief that any one extra hero could be what we need to tip the scales in our favor and as I said before my spies saw your contact with Kalos and yet you're still alive that is a luxury not afforded by many cool so guys I guess it's US versus Kalos but wait I want to know more what about the black Pegasus can we fly at my dear sweet King black Pegasus there has been no Tales of anyone flying on them they are merely an omen a sign that we must act with haste they have not been cited for centuries but the prophecy dictates that Calamity follows the marching of the winged horses what other Omens are there well apart from the black Pegasus we also have heard rumors of a black fog emerging from the ocean in the East and a black Behemoth hold up here we go why does it have to be only black things that are considered bad Omens huh oh um I you dumb [ __ ] I don't like pulling the race card snowflake but why are bad Omens bad things always labeled as dark or black and fantasy stories oh a black Pegasus must be a bad sign a black dragon yeah he's automatically evil oh but look at Joey he's a white cleric with white magic and that's all good and holy but wait black magic yeah black magic is pure evil like no wonder [ __ ] racism exists when it's being reinforced so subtly in our language you dumb [ __ ] been gaslighting us all into believing white is good and black is bad God [ __ ] damn yeah but Lord of the Rings has a black elf now so racism is over shut the [ __ ] up I didn't mean anything by it obarman I was just following tropes for story purposes I know I know whatever shake my head SMH the king lifts his head up confused no no you don't have to role play your way out of this it's fine what is this racism you speak of why would anyone be racist towards you you're simply an elf skin color we have a variety of those in regalia what is this [ __ ] babybo don't cave into those leftist cowards I want racism in my fantasy stories and I want it now the only kind I don't like the only race I despise are goliaths thank you understandable the war wasn't too long ago and I imagine people's perceptions continue I despise dwarves for [ __ ] sake now we're talking you see goliaths and dwarves share the same blood someone tell me how that makes any sense my Lord my mighty king I understand all too well of the hatred one feels towards dwarves how so well the I always feel compelled to behead their stupid little heads okay um great the king is happy to bond with Paula Donald over their Dwarven racism he begins to feel more at ease and trust you guys this is so fun yeah but as fun as this is we're going to be late for dinner at Joe's can you tell this King to hurry up and give us our Quest right right so the king tells you of the four kingdoms the four gems the Ruby has been stolen by kallus the mysterious shapeshifter who wants to bring about the riftium now it is up to you to travel across the realm and retrieve the other gems before Kalos and defeat him to save the world man oh man oh mama Benny you have outdone yourself with this I'll give you that yeah even though your arms don't work or your legs or your spine or neck or dick it's good to know your brain is still going strong I'm glad you're still alive Ben for now at least what do you mean Joey call me Ben no no I don't think I will so if you adventurers want glory and the crime of being associated with that old man to go away I suggest you accept this Quest and go forth and save the world I accept the quest I Joey accept this Grand undertaking and swear to end Carlos's reign of terror and bring peace to the realm nah but for real where's the sexy Queen at so you have three options on your next destination you can begin your journey by traveling to mount Christo to meet the christianians for the diamond or travel to Lake ephitra to meet the arzonians for the sapphire or travel to Immortal Forest to meet the trexins for the emerald wait wait show the different races again gross gross okay I see some potential there let's go to the Water Kingdom sounds good to me I'll show those ladies what it means to be wet maybe start with your wife she's still waiting shut the [ __ ] up Joe rectile dysfunction Biden relax guys we just got our main quest sorted we're traveling to Lake ephetra for the sapphire woohoo hell yeah we're going to Arizona Arizona whatever hmm aren't you excited Joey I am excited but I have a really bad feeling about Carlos he's a [ __ ] clown we can take him hmm maybe you're right he's a silly Charming clown who moved his way up into political power when he shouldn't have wait I didn't know Don was in this game did you just call me [ __ ] Charming because I agree but still Kalos is out there plotting who knows what it's okay Joey how about we ask the king How likely is it that we can win well my boy I don't want to give false hope but the reason I'm not in complete despair despite the Omens is that I remember reading the legends stories of a band of Heroes who have stopped minor riftiums in the past who's to say it can't happen again however even so you must heed my advice stay as far away from Kalos as possible as we do not need more pointless casualties he is a master manipulator and a prime force of Chaos only after obtaining more Celestial gems should you confront him see Joey we get some gems and then we win nothing to worry about Buddy so cheer up copium hopium hope is all we need hope is what keeps us alive when all we feel is pain hope is the light in the darkness hope hope is all I have you okay Ben we've kind of just been focused on your epic campaign but how have you been well honestly I don't know I'm confused my first two Comas felt strangely Blissful despite all the pain I was in I felt the Embrace of a higher power or something but after being shot and placed in a third coma I well I didn't see or feel any higher power this time all I can feel is the pain in my body I roll the heel Ben's broken glass puny bones um that's really sweet but not how it works we'll see no this is a tabletop game so anyways I rolled a push bin off his bed okay enough you should just push me off and put me out of my misery once and for all whoa what the [ __ ] Ben oh it's going to be okay Ben yeah yeah yeah it's fine no worries I'm fine not like I've been trying to be a better person trying to get closer to God and look at me this is what God does to me I'm a [ __ ] broken useless man hey hey you're not useless at all in fact you're more able and capable than most yeah even without a working spine and dick you're still the best dungeon master and I love how you make your voice deeper for the king whatever sorry I'm sorry guys I shouldn't have yelled no it's understandable my bro I'm better than this my faith is just being tested is all right sure anyways where were we I'm here I'm here for you yeah if you ever need a friend talk to Joe and Obama okay and me enough of this pity party we're here to Adventure my spirit is strong and I have a lot of willpower and a lot of willpower hell yeah so the three adventurers accept their Quest and proceed to the arzonian kingdom but before they leave the King's throne room they hear a woman's voice is it could it be my queen the queen enters to bid her new Champions farewell what the [ __ ] is that before you leave won't you speak some fine words of love and adoration to my wonderful Queen wow that's yeah she's definitely one of the Queens I've ever seen yeah I agree she's definitely one of the Queens ever the queen is confused but accepts the compliments she bows and waves you off why the [ __ ] is Rosie O'Donnell in my fantasy game well Ben this has been an absolute blast thank you bro yeah overall great stuff apart from the fatty shame we have to go it's okay guys I had a lot of fun it's always fun with you I yeah man I'm so hungry me too buddy all right Bros you know what time it is yeah as much as I'd love to continue we can't keep Jill waiting very true she hates it when we're late especially when she's cooking her special roast dinner oh boy oh I can't wait hope she's made those roasted sweet potatoes again I love her sweet potatoes for real I need to get the recipe for my Mexican cook have fun guys I gotta go um I'll see you guys in a few days Ben good why don't you come as well if you're not busy what come on buddy it'll be fun yeah Benny you better join us thanks but what why what do you mean why look at me I look like a deformed monster I shouldn't be around families or ruin people's dinner I'm just a random loser and you three are [ __ ] president shut up Ben you're our friend and there's nothing wrong with you or how you look so come yeah with us you'll be safer too Secret Service protection and all you'll always have a seat at our dinner table guys I I don't I don't know what to say but thank you [Music] [Music] I still can't find him what you're looking a lot better Benny and I feel a lot better as well bet it was Jill's cooking am I right Joey I won't let you die are we there yet we just got on the cart where am I let me recap for you the three adventurers Obama the ranger palidon the Paladin and Joey the cleric met the king of the regalian Kingdom he has given you the quest to travel across the realm of four kingdoms retrieve the celestial gems and stop Kalos the shapeshifter from starting the riftium in short you must save the world easy no pressure and I do have to remind you you've now used your last gold coin to hire this Carriage classic Jew keeping tabs on the gold stop we would have 500 gold coins if you didn't lose the power I didn't lose the pouch of gold those Mexican Muslim thieves stole it they were white men you sure because statistically they're more likely the [ __ ] up they also stole my sword no it landed on someone's head after you threw it and then you forgot to pick it up fake news I'm just glad we survived meeting kallus the shapeshifter we survived and now Lake efitra awaits golly I can't wait to meet the arzonians there's such a sweet bunch of people are We There Yet how long is it it will take a day which gives you adventurous ample time to do some long rest and recover your HP to full can we trust the horse rider what if kala shape-shifted into him what if Kalos is the horse Jesus what if Kalos is Jesus shut up you're acting kind of sus oh Barman are you sure you're not Kalos let me look at that birth certificate again we should vote on who's the Imposter and kick them off the carriage we are not playing Among Us in this DND campaign you do realize what you've done shabuber having a shape-shifter villain means I can't trust anyone it's like you want me to behead people and you are not using the shapeshifter mechanic as an excuse to go full turbo murder hobo if only you Chumps listen to me from the start I wanted to keep the Ruby I wanted to behead the hobo I was right all along [ __ ] sake you didn't know he was Carlos and we don't take chances on killing Innocents [ __ ] we are not trading lives okay we won't sacrifice or behead innocence to save the world that's not the person I want to be don't say it for my family the cringe is too strong I like it yeah come on guys a little beheading never hurt anyone shake my head you're lawful good stop acting like you're Isis true yeah you're the only Muslim here nope and Ben nope Ramadan Mubarak Rama what hey Mubarak Obama of course you don't know about the month of fasting you fat [ __ ] I swear to God in Allah if you insult me again I'm going home okay relax fellas how do we know Joey's not the Imposter maybe his dementia made him forget he's Kalos and how do we know you are not Kalos have you seen me you idiot no one could shape-shift into a golden god like me no one could shift into my shape I feel like round is a very easy shape to shift into shut the [ __ ] up how can we even trust you last year you told us you were 75. this year you say 76. so which is it exactly I'm voting Paladin out I'm voting Ben out that's [ __ ] [ __ ] enough paranoia you boys better stop or I'm turning this Carriage around sorry barbar whatever okay so as the adventurers continue their travels they look out the carriage and see a glimpse of the Beauties and wonders this realm has to offer whoa wow wow Rock's so cool as more time passes the adventurers seems maybe called something else instead of adventurers like the dynamic trumpets or the trumpers uh Paladin does make a good point I think it's about time we came up with a name for our group oh boy now's my time to shine I think something like trumpers would work such a good name amazing name probably the best name here come the gang of trumpers how about the presidential adventurers wow so clever obarman you definitely went to Harvard Law School to come up with something so creative but you think trumpers is good you said it not me what about heroic presidents boring how about trumpo it's a combination of all our names together it has my name and you both have O's in your name trumpo how about Dungeons and presidents how about Ivanka fan club how about American dragons how about ion what about American dungeons we already have that it's called Guantanamo Bay I want to go a more Fantastical route something Latin no one knows any Latin here I do I learned it back in 1347 uh my teacher was called Yao Ling and she teach me the ways of the warrior I was so good with a mop and sponge after best cleaner in the class a Latin name makes it sound special and exotic I hate both those things what do you suggest Joey well we're all United by one thing friendship and the word for friend in Latin is Amica which kind of sounds like America since we're all friends and we're all presidents we should be called Perez Amica I hate it Amica sounds like how a Mexican would say America I like it pres Amica it rolls off the tongue two simple words meaning president friends not bad sucks to be you though Ben you're not even president not yet even Ben's car crashes hurt less than hearing that name whoo we'll have plenty of time to think about it so no rush what other Latin words are there I know them all what's the Latin word for wheelchair stop fine what is the Latin word for absolute badass golden god Supreme obesis I am obese I am such an obesis I am the most obesity right so the three adventurers continue their road trip towards the arzonian kingdom they suddenly hear an inhuman sound and rush to look out their carriages are those [ __ ] Wing cows oh my God so cute so cool didn't know Joe's mom was in this game come on wonder how their milk tastes oh boy probably like some Sweet strawberry vanilla caramel Tangy milkshake um I'm just licking my lips thinking about it I wonder how their wings taste well obviously the same as buffalo wings with a lot of time left on their travels the trio decide to finally take a long rest and fully recover their HP then what several hours passed by and then oh my God what is that noise you all wake up from the middle of your rest and look out to seed holy moly Joe mama it is a Golem how are we supposed to fight that I don't even have a sword fear not we're too far away from it you can see some Monster Hunters have already shown up to fight did you add in that Golem because you're Jewish I love Judaism but I'm not Jewish I'm still figuring it out did you know that in Jewish folklore the Jewish Mystics would create Golems to get closer to God wow Ben real subtle I don't think God will fix your legs just because you made some fantasy Golems Jew Golems wait are they called julum's by the way are you still a Jewish Muslim a juslim no no and no I watched 21 Jump Street last night so I'm really into Jews again okay anyways with the Golem too far and preoccupied by other Warriors The Carriage continues its Journey how far are we we're mid-journey halfway there all right as more time passes can you hurry this up my wife's cooking steamed hams for us Melania learned how to cook yeah she's got this new recipe called steamed hams best burgers ever my God tastes just like McDonald's oh boy I like the sound of those okay okay so the carriage traverses past more biomes and terrain more rocks you then come across an excavation of sorts what the hell wow okay that's cool we can see some explorers or perhaps looters around a dig site of a gigantic skeleton would that be a Remnant from the Goliath Wars the origin of the creature are unknown it is hard to say who or what it is ooh I love mysteries tell me now I guess the bones of all the slain goliaths would have decomposed after 50 years so this is something that was killed more recently good point Barb delicious winged cows Jew golems and now giant mysterious skeletons damn I am into this shabibo yeah you keep out doing yourself Bud thank you guys I'm really enjoying making this world would be a shame if it was all destroyed I think it's time for another long rest to fast travel to our destination sleepy Joe is so happy to hear that great more rest for pres Amica don't use that name so prezamika I mean the trio take another long rest a lonesome Clock Tower rings in the distance waking you all up cute oh I see water surely that means we're getting real close yep as the carriage leaves the clock tower far behind in the distance more hours pass until what's that you begin to hear what sounds like rainfall but upon closer inspection you realize this is just wow amazing beautiful beautiful world I need to go swimming waterfalls but not from the sky the arsonian kingdom awaits the group of pres Amica such a pleasant journey with you all here with me this world everything is so gorgeous I know right buddy just a good old chill road trip with the lads man oh man yeah this is what life's all about isn't it and I hope prezamika wait [ __ ] I knew you liked the name nope why trumpers press Amica I hate it you're the one who comes up with that name in the future I love it press Amica all the way baby well I guess we're sticking with that group name Prez Amica presame I love it I wonder what the people will think what people Oh you mean the other kingdoms or the voices in his head take your pills Joey with the road trip coming to an end press Amica will now be entering the arsonian kingdom to retrieve the celestial Sapphire another good sesh with my three Bros it was real fun guys hope we get more cute road trips in the future don't want it to end but the steamed hams are waiting for us boys it's okay we'll get plenty more road trips in the future I hope so I promise you my friends such a wholesome day I bet every session is going to feel this good yeah it will now let's go boys foreign why did it all change why are they dead why hold on [Music] if only this really existed this looks remarkable Ben I would love to visit ORS have arrived into the Water Kingdom of arzonia obarman the ranger palad on the Paladin and Joey the cleric are here to retrieve the celestial Sapphire to help them save the world gosh look at how pretty it all is yeah this kingdom is beautiful I was talking about you what he means is that you're looking a lot better glad the treatments are working for you thank you even the doctors were surprised at my speedy recovery they said my spirit is unyielding but I can't give myself all the credit I know what really happened do you I know the truth have you figured out what's going on as well uh yes the truth is that it is the grace and holy mercy of a higher power oh okay well we're all really glad you're all right Ben what about your legs is the physiotherapy working or can I still call you Wheels no I still can't feel them whoa you're leaking sorry yeah it sometimes happens anyway let's get on with the adventure shall we let's go boys the arzonian kingdom Our Heroes find themselves in the midst of the giant Lake after a long journey they see the bolster sarzonians relishing in their natural habitat gross they of course enjoy swimming diving jumping off waterfalls and relaxing in the warm Waters hot body but you might need a paper bag that's a man what the [ __ ] I'm leaving yeah we can't show female nips without censorship so we'll call those ones men um okay so as you walk along the bridge you hear some bubbling in the water and see oh god oh so cute gross kill it with fire and further along you hear some giggling oh so cute oh God keep Joey away arzonians of all shapes sizes and ages enjoy their communal swims much like humans the arizonians have different races and cultures amongst them but they are all United under their King and several matriarchs so cool we should all definitely go swimming after this sesh oh golly I'm so down I love water parks and playing with the floaties huh do you float Benny or do you sink they actually have some nice accessibility options at the local water park special wheelchair so I can get in the water too didn't ask now where is the arzonian King's Castle maybe we should ask around okay so I take charge as usual and Lead my fellow press amicons to find the castle speaking of prezamika I was talking to my wife who's a doctor by the way and I've got some bad news about your group name what is it well in Latin Amica is the female version Amaco is the masculine version Amigo are you [ __ ] kidding me I told you it was Mexican no no amiko is singular male amichi is plural male and Amica is singular female single female plural mailing are you [ __ ] stupid Ben what oh no why the [ __ ] are you so obsessed with pronouns now you're telling me words have gender pronouns too are you an actual liberal psycho relax don't don't stress him out or he'll oh yep I no that's not what I said there's also amicum and amicum am I calm am I [ __ ] come Jesus Christ shabibo it's fine relax guys we're sticking with preza Mika now let's do the quest we are not Americans or Americans we are Americans exactly I am a real presamecan I fight for the rights of every man Ben are you an army can or an army can't okay okay I get it pres Amica all the way that's my guy now where were we we're trying to find the castle right so you make your way around the kingdom until a very peculiar arsonian catches your eye what the I want to hug him you may not like it but this is what Peak male performance looks like but have you seen Mike o'hearn's body now that's a man nope I'm not a gay then why do you have that haircut shut the [ __ ] up Obama tell him to stop come on fellas focus on the big boy greetings we're getting a lot of your kind today aren't we Our Kind yes lots of adventurers from regalia are visiting us all after the same thing I suppose and what is that the celestial Sapphire of course right right King ragus did say he sent out a lot of other groups too [ __ ] we have to hurry then before they steal all our glory and [ __ ] oh wise chubby arzonian could you point us into the direction of your King's humble Castle so we may confer with him why yes I can do that but first could you help me with but a simple task I need help finding my friend he should be right around here we don't have time for this fat ass I thought you said he's Peak male you're hearing things again okay I asked him to describe his friend for us he is but a cute blue frog the sweetest boy he should be right around here amongst these rocks what's the point of this Benjo right so I want to immerse you guys further into the world and have you start using more of your class skills and ideas to solve different quests we've done a lot of talking in our sessions but not a lot of questing okay so let's check out our skills and see what ideas we can come up with I can use my healing to help his mental state he seems fine to me Joey I can scoop some water with my shield to splash him but why you all have character sheets and class specific skills and spells okay let me read Oak I can heal wait what the [ __ ] guys I have the perfect Ranger spell Yep this is what I wanted I have a divination called locate animals or plants very good okay so uh I'm going to cast the spell you don't need to roll for these types of spells uh I see thanks Ben I'm learning a lot dumbass of course you don't roll anyways I use my locate frog spell first no Paladin your class doesn't have that spell what the [ __ ] what do I have then have you looked at your character sheet too long didn't read great so obarman gets out some Bloodhound fur from his satchel and chance the Divination spell to locate the Frog he concentrates on the sounds of nature around him until you hear a frog ah cutie hello little guy let's haggle a good price for it no we're just giving it back uh I find the Frog and pick it up and give it to the arzonian my friend gosh I missed you the arzonian hugs and pushes his cheek against his Frog's head they are both happy to see each other good job my Ranger King barbar whatever now could you point us into the Castle's direction of course he hey he says with his spirits uplifted you just have to swim or I guess for you walk across those bridges over there and that path should lead you to it great let's go but what about if we found some babes in an arzonian hot tub or something uh shake my head hmm okay how about after we get the Sapphire we can all chill with the arzonian babes just for you no I want it now come on paladon let's stop getting distracted and progress through the storm I rolled a push [ __ ] tits off his Rock stop this fatty could be Kalos I can't take any chances it's for the greater good for [ __ ] sake okay it's a success uh you push the fat arzonian into the water you look shocked and then sad he swims away with his frog why did you do that I'm Only Human After All okay so the trio followed the directed path man just look at all these cool arizonians these fish people actually remind me of my old friend Justin Coleman I still remember on the playground we used to do the gritty and call him the moleman because he looked like a fish okay you might be schizophrenic Joey me too after traversing the bridges the trio find themselves whoa at Castle arzonia they enter to have an audience with the King all right good stuff Benny but we better leave before the water parks close yeah good sesh guys we've made some progress today we found a frog and walked to the castle great I like it Ben we met so many arizonans and the waterfalls were beautiful yeah you made your fantasy Water Kingdom feel so nice that we want to go swimming for real now thank you thank you the water park sounds great I'll meet you guys there I just have to go home and get my trunks no no no we always have to leave together never alone um it's not safe yeah I'm sure we can buy you some trunks at the park yeah they should have some disabled shorts for you okay okay fine I will come with you who's ready to watch me 360 no scope Cannonball dive into the pool oh god oh no oh yeah foreign Paladin and Joey enter the castle and how are you even here Paladin didn't you get arrested yeah but the courts in recess right now so I thought I'd come play during the break understandable once you enter the castle you see a Regal arzonian walk past he looks down upon you and smirks More Heroes huh or more fish food the [ __ ] does that mean okay let me talk to the king [ __ ] you bloody my Charisma stat is high bloody [ __ ] you you pushed an innocent fat man into the water hello they're fish people figure sitting upon his Royal chair it is king of quill fourth of his name um are his eyes closed sleeping on the job lazy okay so Ben I will talk to the king um greetings King aquil we are presumika sent by the king of regalia to obtain your Celestial Sapphire and save the world hard to say is he faking it the only one who's faking it is Melania when you sleep shut the [ __ ] up you wrinkly nut sack can't your sleepy [ __ ] ass tell if someone else is sleepy let's just talk a bit louder uh of course he must have water clogging his ears hello King wake up good morning sir wake up you [ __ ] ours hole yeah cause he's our zonian we just arrived in this Kingdom and you've already coined a racial slur for these people what can I say I'm cute [ __ ] I'm adorable no uh you you use the phrase wrong Joey who damn it so how do we wake him up wish I had a polka flute but that would only work to wake up Don I don't get it hmm do we have any class skills we can use I can't seem to find anything relevant for Ranger I told you I'm not reading my character sheet do I look like a [ __ ] nerd maybe the king is suffering from blunt force head trauma so I should heal him not everything requires your healing Joey to heal is to love and everyone needs a bit of love sometime [ __ ] that's deep all right ladies enough estrogen talk let's behead this lazy King and steal the sapphire yeah let's do that wait really no so shut the [ __ ] up it's okay guys I've got the perfect spell what is it it's called thamaturgy I will manifest a minor Wonder of Supernatural power which can do one of many effects what is this more Latin what effects can it do I can change the color of flames not helpful change my eye color but why make a window or door fly open or shut can you make your mouth shut I can cause some harmless Tremors no make my voice three times louder okay that could work that's lame why not just shout this is like a shout but three times louder Just shout louder okay Ben I use thaw maturgy to make my voice louder for one minute very well huh I should totally buy some audio volume equipment for this spell to increase immersion maybe some voice changers too it's okay we're already immersed and can just use our imagination right so Joey casts thomaturgy to manifest a louder voice for visual purposes let's say he summons a spectral megaphone Almighty king of quill by Joey the cleric beseech you to hear my voice and my plea we need you to awaken okay we're not progressing here let's ask around or find somewhere else to go like a brothel okay fine I will heal him for real I move closer to touch the king with my holy energy as Joey moves his hands closer to King of quill you suddenly get surrounded you turn and see whoa hello gross the arzonian matriarchs and guards watch over you closely do you really think an outsider can walk in here and lay their hands on our King where am I your honor I am not guilty what sorry force of habit hmm okay I explained to them that we mean no harm would you like to do a Charisma role that's my cue don't worry guys I've got this hello can I speak to a man in charge um The Matriarch is confused and tells you she is in charge oh you're a man um no she gets impatient and tells you she is a matriarch a female arzonian leader okay okay pardon me Milady is there a man I could talk to for [ __ ] sake stop at paladon you're going to get us canceled canceled we're not E3 true we're more like P3 what's the p stand for [ __ ] presidents lame so the arzonian royalty are confused and demand answers pardon me my matriarchs I'm a big fan of arzonians I love sushi so much but we'd like to talk to a man in charge like the kid God damn it Don the women are in [ __ ] charge that's what matriarch means how does that make any sense what for thousands of years America has never had a female president so it's a bit hard to imagine it in fantasy everything about that sentence is wrong and I am now dumber from listening to it Jesus Christ wait you Jesus exists in this world oops no that was my bad I said it not her my immersion is ruined disliked unsubbed reported no okay now where were we I'm here okay guys so the matriarch saw Joey try to touch the king and they are now paranoid and concerned how do you respond okay uh I apologize on Paladin's behalf I ain't sorry and do a Charisma role to persuade them of Joey's intentions a success you got a 14. how would you like to persuade I tell them Joey was worried about the King's unresponsiveness and uh that's why he tried to heal him the matriarchs look you three up and down we appreciate your concern alas our King is merely in a deep slumber he is okay despite the oncoming Doom yeah we're also here about the oncoming Doom we need your Celestial Sapphire to stop Kalos no dear that is not the Doom I speak of there are more threats and dangers in this realm than just callus oh no great more problems just what we need more lore incoming the reason all the keepers haven't banded together already to go face Kalos is because we have more pressing and Urgent matters to attend to I cannot say what's going on in Mount Christo or immoral Forest but on the edge of lake ephetra lies a great evil an evil that threatens all our zonians what is this evil my matriarch my fish Queen underneath the bottomless ocean the bottomless sea lies the Abyssal Waters a Dark Void a wretched Place harboring Indescribable Horrors all the waste and sorrow and regret carried by the Sea eventually ends up there the Abyssal Waters is a dormant domain filled with utter silence a deafening silence powerful enough to push anyone into madness unfortunately arzonians have a heightened sense of hearing which only exasperates this problem we cannot stay down there for long but humans can many of my people who have ventured into those Waters have succumbed to Insanity I'm not going there alas the time has come to do something about it you adventurers just like the many who have come before you want us to part with our Celestial Sapphire which we need to defend our people a Keeper's first and foremost priority is to protect his kingdom I cannot allow the madness to escape the abyss and I cannot give you the sapphire unless you prove yourself worthy tell us so mighty matrimony how can we be worthy for you you must defeat the awakened horror known as the Abyssal locran its Eternal Slumber has come to an end and its hunger has begun it will consume us all so I say to you Heroes defeat it and bring peace to arzonia and only then we will deem you the Sapphire's keeper God damn my goodness I really hate water levels Benny this better not be like Zelda's water temple casual how do we even get to this abysmal area is there going to be another road trip no it can be accessed from this Kingdom if you are crazy enough to accept this Quest you can enter the abyss by plunging from the Great Falls a waterfall of death but perhaps the death it brings is a mercy for if you survive it means you made it to the abyss no thanks hope no one's afraid of heights or water me and Barack can't swim so we're out but I can swim sorry I asked the matriarch how we are supposed to get down there without dying there is no easy way for a human that is something you will have to figure out on your own we've had many Heroes show up for the sapphire none have returned most died just from plunging you're just sending people to die without any help if they need help then they are not worthy of the sapphire all right then we dive into the abyss fight the boss get the Sapphire sounds easy you boys probably don't need me are you scared Paladin shut the [ __ ] up I'm Not Afraid of the Dark or deep water now to figure out how to get down there so do you accept the quest all right yes president Mika solemnly swear to annihilate the Abyssal locran monster and bring peace to your luscious watery Kingdom then off you go you have Disturbed our King Slumber long enough but press Amica I wish you all the luck May the Divine mother watch over you cool we got the celestial Sapphire Quest going guys now let's go ask around maybe the locals might know how to get down let's ask at a local bar or club but not a gay orc one as you leave the castle you are stopped by a familiar face you there haha so you heard all the Spiel from my mother huh the prince of arzonia aquil V looks like he's been waiting for you hello again oh handsome prince uh how can we be of service to you in this moment of uh um wait where am I God damn it Joey uh hello Prince could you help us out that is exactly why I'm here you see I grow tired of seeing you Outsiders die for our cause without even getting a chance to fight do you have any hot Sisters by the way meet me at the Great Falls you can take an arzola to get there what's in our Zola it's like your land version of a chariot but in water so cool that's great Benny uh but yeah I have to be back in court real soon and I have to eat that's okay Paladin I think we can stop now and go get some grub also wait are we gonna have our first boss fight in the next session possibly okay guys well in that case I need to prepare who wants to go out and get some sushi I'm so down sushi with the lads how can I resist God I love sushi the cute Maki rolls and California rolls and dragon rolls whoa Mama that looks good I could probably take the leftovers after and hand them out in court too I'm sure that would lower my sentence all right then let's go yeah let's run boys no offense Ben free my boy paladon he's right there sorry I'm late guys all these arzonians made me hungry for some fish and chips damn so you know I had to get that good food on the way here looks so delicious I have some leftovers if you guys want where in my pocket uh oh come on Don you're getting sauce and salt all over the floor there's not even any food it's just salt this is not good fine whatever more for me you guys are salty enough already I'm glad you're not locked up anymore Paladin what oh wait never mind that was a different AI who when how was the UFC oh man the crowd loves seeing me everyone was there to see me I sat with Mike Tyson and Dana White did you kiss Tyson is so cool and white always says the right things white is always right white is so right might want to work on your phrasing I'm ready to start Benny right right so Oberman the ranger paladon the Paladin and Joey the cleric make their way to the Great Falls princess quill is there to meet you so you can access the abyss and defeat the locker room to bring peace to the arzonian kingdom and get that sweet Celestial Sapphire exactly first boss fight should be fun what could go wrong welcome adventurers I would be lying if I said I was glad to see you what the [ __ ] is your problem [ __ ] relax let's hear him out I have a confession I knew it it's Carlos I'm not a good person I'm not listening to a word he's saying just let him progress the story how can we trust him I can assure you I'm not Kalos but perhaps I am a villain after all I knew it get him boys just wait I'm going to ask you but one important question and it will decide your fate okay do you like fish sticks um what no fish sticks no I do not okay he's not a gay fish guys he's clear Jesus my ocular pat down is complete he's clear very well now listen to me too many people have been convinced by my mother to plunge into the abyss and and it's all for naught you suicidal Outsiders come to seek glory and you never return don't you see it's all a sham what do you mean my dear handsome fish Prince you're just being used as a way to feed him none of you stand a chance to defeat the Abyssal locker room yo what the hell bro we're pres Amica we can beat anything we understand your concern but we have to do this I too used to believe in my mother's idea but now all I do is try to convince Outsiders to stay away from the depths below why did you bring us here if you don't want us to go down I knew I wouldn't be able to convince you anywhere but here where you can see the death you're about to plunge into you're a good Soul Prince of quill but your Consciousness weighs heavily upon you do not fret for we promise to defeat the monster below so that your kingdom will be safe and then you won't have to stop any more people from going into the abyss exactly we want to help your people and we need the sapphire to help the realm so there's nothing you can say to stop us from going in yeah Prince Achilles step aside I've been practicing my Cannonball maneuver at the water park the prince lets out a deep sigh he seems to be tired of it all it was foolish for me to try but if I can't stop you from jumping in the least I can do is help you down so you won't die from the fall giving you a fighting chance that would be very helpful my friend my fish okay hurry up but heed my final warning no one has ever beat this monster countless Heroes and adventurers have come before and none have triumphed you will truly need to do something remarkable to win otherwise you will be eaten eaten on second thoughts I think we should just steal the sapphire Be not Afraid Paladin for we can do this and save the innocent arizonians I don't you're probably going to be eating first since you have the most meat true I agree my dick is huge oh my once we're down there how can we get back up just follow the light all right then we should hurry while the weather is good don't want a storm to come and ruin this true I'm tired of being screwed over by stormies let's move fast I'd like to see you move fast for once is that a fat joke or are you hitting on me call me Joey okay so Prince of quill starts glowing you feel light beneath your feet and the ground moves away from you what the prince of quill uses his magic to make you float yeah this is fun it tickles I will try to ease you down the Great Falls with this power this ancestral arzonian magic is partly why they're so Adept at swimming they can basically Glide and Float through water however it is limited I can only gently float you down around halfway because of the weight so heavy God damn it Dawn shut the [ __ ] up it's probably all the salt in my pocket weighing me down I have so much pocket salt why did you steal all that salt lawyers are expensive okay you magically float through the air and are moved over the edge of the waterfall and start to descend slowly okay boys time for the abyss wonder if there's any hot sexy Abyssal babes down there don't look down it's a big drop oh gosh you reach the halfway point of the Great Falls and then the magic wears off you fall and plunge into the abyss you open your eyes and see nothing holy [ __ ] we made it everyone okay I can't see anything it's completely black what the [ __ ] Joey the correct term is African-American no pres Amika have made it into the abyss and they are completely enshrouded in darkness all right this would be a good time to prepare and maybe set out some strategies how about new and instead do we find some abyssy babes aka some abbasy did you actually [ __ ] roll um okay paladon rolls to search for some babes he gets a 12 and succeeds in his perception search check or whatever woohoo bring them to me he looks around and sees nothing because he remembers he's in The Wretched horrible lifeless Abyss wow what a surprise [ __ ] game can we do something about this Darkness Joey does your thamaturgy magic manifest light tamaturgy lets me manifest a minor one you stop manifesting miners Joey that's illegal I'm reading my skill sheet and unfortunately that I can't use thaw maturgy for light but upon further reading I have an evocation magic spell for a bright light what's it called it's called light great name I call upon the teachings of evocation to incite this spell of light upon my staff granting us Visage in the abyss very well in other words [ __ ] is about to get lit Joey conjures a holy Beam on his staff emitting a 20-foot radius of bright light good job Joey thanks for the light now I can see the darkness much clearer paladon you and I should also read our skill sheet to see I'm not reading [ __ ] is it because you don't want to or don't know how to read yes Can you feel it what is it hmm must have been the wind anyways the three adventurers walk deeper into the abyss with nothing in sight the silence only seems to get louder with the shallow Abyssal water beneath their feet until oh no could it be it is the Abyssal Locker in awaits oh he's kind of cute he's not moving be careful I've seen a lot of hentai so I'm worried where this could go probably in your stomach when you try to eat it shut the [ __ ] up Joe bet you're real jealous of The Dalai Lama too soon it's okay just some tongue-in-cheek humor God damn it oh yeah I forgot you're a Buddhist Muslim Jew Ben I'm not but anyway can we just take a moment to realize what we're up against like damn Ben you really dropped a cosmic horror Eldritch looking God as our first boss huh um I'll be honest I'm just reading my notes and story and I can't remember adding this great now I have two friends with dementia but why if you didn't put the boss in then who did it was obviously Ben who's that did you guys forget all the cars that fell on his head why do I hear Boss music what oh [ __ ] is it time oh no now this is it now is the time to choose didn't ask die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow damn Joey that's hardcore I forgot the rest I get it this is it pres Amica it's time to prove our worth Our Fate is in our hands yeah we've beaten games like Dark Souls so this should be easy the locker room Rises forth from the abyss and turns to Joey unleashing one of its Wrigley tentacles to deliver a deadly slap what the [ __ ] how can he slap what the [ __ ] Ben we weren't ready I had way more speeches the attack does 10 damage and Joey is now poison oh my hello what the [ __ ] my poor Joey that's almost his whole Health this boss slaps harder than Willie Smith okay okay enough messing around let's focus we'll read our skills and figure out what to do I ain't no reading it's our turn now right Ben so we can take our time yes I think don't be too long okay Joey how you doing buddy you hanging in there I'll try to find him what Joey spend your turn healing yourself Joey is he [ __ ] napping [ __ ] okay giant octopus demon what can I do paladon whilst I check my moves you should do some first date on Joey don't tell me what to do it's okay guys the poison can't kill me correct the poison will just make you roll with disadvantage now so what will you do for your turn Joey double it and give it to the next person nope why are you warlock Joey now I couldn't find him but I did find warlock Joey and now I'm ready can you heal yourself no but I can do something even better what's that I'll save us oh my Yahweh I rolled a conjure the mighty purple flame blade and unleash a devastating blow on locker room your poison Joey yeah so you roll with disadvantage woohoo Snake Eyes um you got a nine and a one critical failure thanks for saving us you conjure the purple flame blade but can't tame the fiery evocation it bursts and sets you on fire no [ __ ] my boy Joey oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] I didn't expect this what's wrong guys stop drop and roll Joey okay no for [ __ ] sake literally roll on the floor roll in the water to douse the fire his turn has ended fine Paladin will use his turn to push Joey so he falls on the water and I will use my turn to cast the goodberry transmutation spell and feed one to Joey great let me roll the push his sleepy yes no we don't need to roll for this wait gross what the [ __ ] why is the dice so greasy and salty wasn't me God damn it okay so Paladin pushes Joey onto the Abyssal Waters they cleanse his body of the purple flame Oberman conjures 10 berries and feeds one to Joey restoring one HP and giving him sustenance thanks barbar but now I'm wet that's what Michelle said phew okay Joey is still alive for now what can we even do to fight this thing and where's my sword Jesus [ __ ] Christ we came into this boss fight without getting pallid on a weapon I have this heavy frisbee that's a shield [ __ ] [ __ ] can't believe I forgot about his weapon [ __ ] [ __ ] this is all my fault how is it your fault I should have been smarter I'm a [ __ ] idiot don't be so hard on yourself yeah you really messed up obarman shut the [ __ ] up Paladin this is all your fault no no no this is all your fault Joey I knew it [Music] um so the lochner attacks again targeting Joey once more with a riding heavy tank [ __ ] why Joey Joey takes another 10 damage he is now at zero HP wait zero HP no no no no no no does that mean please no zero HP doesn't mean death but he is now unconscious and close to dying and being out forever [ __ ] [ __ ] okay there's some relief I guess Joey can still survive with some death-saving throws or healing you need three success roles to survive three fails or a devastating attack means death one to nine is a fail and being hit will also count as a fail 10 to 20 is a success rolling at 20 counts is one HP and you become stable rolling a one counts as two failures all these numbers do I look like I care about maths Joey needs three success roles to be stable one per turn I don't like putting Joey's life up to chance I use my turn to feed Joey another good Berry you put the berry into his unconscious mouth and he swallows healing one HP and avoiding death for now my hero guys this is terrible we can't lose on the first boss we need to see this through till the end we need to finish the story I roll the throne no no don't throw your shield and lose it again let's think about this stop [ __ ] ordering me why don't you read your [ __ ] skill sheet you useless [ __ ] I don't take orders from your kind now what the [ __ ] is that supposed to mean why would I take orders from someone like you you're a real piece of [ __ ] I'd never take orders from an Archer Ranger oh that's what you right okay what your phrasing is terrible why would I listen to your class uh especially when I'm the leader [ __ ] please anyone who says they're the leader is far from the leader wow what a leader thing to say [ __ ] now listen to me stop being extra [ __ ] annoying when Joey keeps getting close to dying it's okay I can take him listen how hard can this thing be it looks tiny that's not a lot of tentacles the locker room emerges even further from the abyss and then wow he attacks again swiping his tentacles straight towards Joey rendering him unconscious once more and on the brink of death for [ __ ] sake Paladin didn't even get to take his turn what do we do I don't know what to do how many times do I have to tell you to read your [ __ ] skill sheet I'm scared yeah it's okay I understand shut up [ __ ] sorry why does it keep attacking Joey though three times in a row he must be trying to protect his octopus kids [Music] wait I know it must be the light from the staff one who lives in darkness fears the light is it weak to light or just hates it not sure but I know we need to get that light away from Joey [Music] okay I will grab Joey's beaming staff and throw it let me do it my strength stat is higher okay I grabbed Joey's beaming staff and I throw it as far as possible away from us as soon as lachrin sees Paladin wielding the light staff it launches a devastating tentacle whip attack towards him no I can't die please I do an agile feet reaction role to dive in front of Paladin what the [ __ ] oh my okay it's a success you dive in front of Paladin and take 15 damage you lose all your HP and are on the brink of death you [ __ ] idiot now what do I do hello are you guys deaf [ __ ] we're unconscious I'm all alone why did why would you do that to me you [ __ ] oh Barman you don't even have a shield what an idiot am I right has rendered two of your comrades unconscious and close to death what will you do I attack Ben stop that so you can talk fine I'll read my skills SMH shake my head hmm okay zone of Truth daylight that won't be good eight wait I can give you AIDS read it carefully up to three targets within range each Target's Max HP and current HP increases by five wait what the [ __ ] I can heal you are a Divine paladon with holy magic after all I knew that okay I give my age to my Bros Oberman and Joey very good you cast the observation spell a to buff your allies and help them regain their Consciousness that's my man look at you coming in clutch oh yeah I'm back ha what's the point of cleric Joey when I can heal and save your asses much better I'm a warlock I also have healing hands to protect from Poison I could use that okay I dip my healing balls onto Joey to cure his poison you already did your main action for the turn can I roll again on your next turn whatever okay now what we've barely survived and done no damage to this thing the lockman swings again but this time wider than ever sweeping across the floor targeting everyone in his way damn it okay get ready to dodge guys and put your Shield up I do an agility roll to evade the attack I put my shield up I'm poisoned Joey gets hit and Falls unconscious again Oberman rolled an eight he was able to dodge most of it but was still grazed by the large tentacle he loses 4 HP and Paladin was pushed back by the tentacle attack and loses three HP [ __ ] okay I'm still alive but barely don't you die on me too I don't have much left in me maybe I can shoot one Arrow but what will that do shut up shut up you're gonna be okay Jesus how am I supposed to do this alone I have to carry you guys as always [ __ ] this stress do you even know how much I've got on my plate yeah you need smaller portions shut the [ __ ] up you're unconscious stressful and when I stress I eat oh God let me see if I have any chips in my pocket let me add some pocket salt to them wait what did you say Paladin you genius thank you okay so do you guys know about osmosis who is that a Muslim never mind I just need you to hand me some of that salt ah you're a stress eater too I see welcome octopussies tentacles sea creatures they're weak to table salt don't they live in salt water no time to explain osmosis dehydration give me that salt okay I get it I rolled to use my ultimate move and throw okay no pocket salt you roll a two you throw salt at the abyssalocrine but the distance is too far and it lands in your eye you now suffer from temporary blindness for one turn [ __ ] the locker room gets angry and begins to charge up his own ultimate move okay okay okay we're basically dead unless I can get this right paladong give me that leftover salt I can't see so take it all right I rub one arrow with salt finish it Barack do it barbar with my broken body and a disadvantage role I aim my bow and I cast the conjuration hail of arrows my goodness it's a success obar men launches his single salted Arrow afar straight towards the Abyssal Doctrine the arrow glows and splits apart into a cataclysmic salty reign of arrows showering the locker and piercing and stinging pain unlike it's ever felt and it's a killing blow oh my [ __ ] God I [ __ ] did it we [ __ ] did my champions my salty boys the salt seeps into the skin of the Abyssal locran osmosis takes over the shriveled shrunk in salted head of the mighty Terror lands before your feet gross don't think I'll have calamari for a while help all right I give my boy Joey another Berry to get him back on his feet hi guys man oh man oh mama that was one epic fight good job guys yeah you're welcome guys listen I knew all about osmosis and osmo slim so Limbs and science is why I brought all this salt yeah sure you guys were amazing it was looking kind of scary at the end it was a close one but we pulled through definitely got to prepare better next time can't risk losing you guys that reminds me give me my staff back Paladin it's covered in salt as you gather your bearings and let the adrenaline of the fight simmer down you see a beam of light ahead whoa okay that must be our way out boys Paladin grab the head so we can show the matriarchs and let's hurry out this hell hole don't tell me what to do but I'll do it because you're my bro golly gee guys I'm speechless I'm buzzing I'm shaking hope you enjoyed sleeping through all of that boss fight hope you enjoyed whining and pissing yourself through all of that boss fight huh I'm glad we're all okay the triumphant Heroes known as press Amika walk through the beam of light and exit the Abyssal Lake Victorious over their first boss may all our battles end this way they will yeah if we can defeat this this octopussy God then how exactly is that clown Kalos going to stop us you're right Don this should be easy I'm feeling way too good man guys don't underestimate them it's fine Joey we'll be ready man I need something to balance all this salt want to go get dessert I could certainly do with some good old American cheesecake I would love some Oreo cheesecake right now oh golly pip pip Ahoy let me have some strawberry crumbly cheesecake with the vanilla swirls oh God I'm salivating I'm gonna have them all just don't steal any whatever you'll thank me in the future when I give you pocket cheesecake all right then you awesome Lads let's go to The Cheesecake Factory [Music]

Channel: Klone Studios

Views: 191,366

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Id: 2Q9iRQaPIR0

Length: 120min 3sec (7203 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 20 2023