Pres Amica Episodes 11-20 Movie - Trump, Biden, and Obama Play Dungeons & Dragons

don't worry guys I washed the grease and salt from my dice I thought they were bins nope now it makes sense why they're black and orange I don't get it but man guys we need to go back to that Cheesecake Factory one day God damn that caramel red velvet cheesecake was incredible might just be my favorite food ever caramel cheesecake huh calm down Don well boys I hope you're ready to start we've just arrived at Castle arzonia you carry the shrunken head of the Abyssal locran after an epic triumphant boss fight yeah about that boss fight yes oh Barman what's up uh what I wanted to say uh something go on then never mind I forgot are you good bro shut up [ __ ] Benny continue um okay then you enter the castle and the King awaits the heroic trio Obama in the ranger Paladin the Paladin and Joey the cleric oh boy we're finally going to meet King ragas what no we've met him before he's the human King regalian we're about to meet king of quill again of the arzonians classic Joey you love getting names mixed up don't you fake news how was Ireland by the way heard your dementia mixed up a rugby team's name with a military group aren't we all just rugby players skipping along on the grand pitch we call the universe what was the rugby team called All Blacks the [ __ ] did you call me no no no no kidding relax why are they called the All Blacks anyway when they're all basically white isn't that cultural appropriation no the term apparently originated during their tour in 1905. it's simply a reference to their whole kit being colored black uh-huh how do you remember all that but your brain starts leaking when you're doing press it's a different Joey either way I don't like the blacks and tans Don oh right phrasing I'm obviously referring to the old Irish military group I'm against police brutality then why do you own so much blue lives matter merch I love Avatar I don't really follow the news so I don't know what you guys are talking about it's okay you're not missing out on anything important stop getting distracted Ben and continue the story okay okay um you enter the castle and you see great he's still asleep lazy I wonder if he has the same nightmares as me speaking of lazy when are you going to get off that bed Ben leave Ben alone thank you um I should be back in a wheelchair soon I think do you ever hear God begging for mercy oh my all right since the king won't wake up how about I throw this octopus head on his face let me think how about no well I'm tired of carrying it Paladin Splats the Locker Room's head on the floor of the throne room what is the meaning of this what is that smell wait you again why are you back or should I say how how are you back we are here my lady my leader I palate on the golden have defeated the Abyssal Locker in myself nope shut the [ __ ] up I didn't need saving what my goodness I felt the Rumblings from the abyss stop and you you're all back alive but how and that head does this mean yes my fish Queen pres Amica made a vow to save your kingdom from the Terrors of the Abyssal locran and we have fulfilled our duty the matriarchs are in shock and disbelief I I can't believe it this is remarkable the matriarchs begin a slow clap in unison and begin chanting a foreign prayer my Champions I cannot believe what you have accomplished especially since you're just humans wow and you've saved the arzonians it has been a long time since we found ourselves working with humans working with this fish-eyed [ __ ] did no work relax I'll pretend she didn't hear that I need her to say I'm the reason we won and I'm the greatest and I get a free season pass to the broth it was actually obarman who made us win shut the [ __ ] up you useless crinkle pruning nutsack are you [ __ ] I gave you AIDS and salt whilst all you did was [ __ ] float in the water we can't sleep on Joey's actions if he didn't take the hits during that fight we wouldn't have made it either shut the [ __ ] up holy mother of [ __ ] I'm about to have an aneurysm he did nothing it was a team effort and thanks to my bow and arrow [ __ ] this I rolled to throw my shield at the matriarch oh no oh dear [ __ ] sake you [ __ ] chill out you roll a three and fail Adon throws the shield gently like a [ __ ] and The Matriarch catches it thank you for this is this a gift from our hero really you lost your sword and your shield now but I cannot accept this I'm the one who should and will be bestowing you with gifts My Heroes yeah I deserve gifts Paladin gets his shield back great now tell her to praise me right now or I'm throwing this at her head and bouncing it off the king's sleepy Dome shake my head um well done my Champions and Well Done Paladin you muscular hero okay I am muscle cool call me muscle limb do you get it Ben you Muslim Aztec firula my champions you must tell me how how did you defeat the lochrane please share your secrets on how you were able to tame the abyss glad you asked babe after I heroically took several tentacle blows healed my comrade and buffed my Ally I was able to open it please AIDS what is up with you guys my Matrix I tamed the abyss thanks to my big science brain which told me to carry a lot of salt wait what hold on did you say salt yes McQueen I used my cunning and wits to table salt that octopussy oil brought refined salt a weapon of bioterrorism a deadly toxic bio threat to arzonians into my kingdom uh-oh The Matriarch can't believe what she just heard she closes her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath I cannot hold this against you but you don't realize what you have done you've committed several war crimes under the kosman arzonian treaties I told him not to they forced my hand your honor I knew salt was a bad idea I wanted to and would have killed the locker room without it but obaman kept talking about pocket salt what a weirdo am I right my honorable matriarch we are war criminals but we mean well never thought I'd hear those words together it is with great Misfortune because of your crimes that we simply cannot disclose your Victory to the people there can be no celebration lest it incite others to think it's okay to use salt in our domain what in the [ __ ] hole is this [ __ ] shambino I need my recognition glory and [ __ ] uh oh no do not fret for your Deeds are recognized by the Royal Council by the matriarchs and by the king himself you have proven yourselves worthy as Keepers oh boy well done what was that you hear a voice in the back king of quill has risen from his deep slumber champions of the arzonians Slayers of the Abyss and now keepers of the celestial Sapphire a blue glow flashes in an instant blinding you you feel a knot in your stomachs a source of Untold power has revealed itself to you it is the celestial Sapphire it's beautiful shiny this is what you came for is it not yes it is dear King we need all the celestial gems we can get to defeat the oncoming Doom of Kalos and the riftium yes yes indeed but listen closely just because you hold the gems does not guarantee you can harness any of its power what you've got to be kidding me here we go the mystery of our creation of our holy gems it is one that has puzzled the realm since its Inception the Mysteries led to disagreements led to divisive beliefs power struggles kingdoms overthrown race is subjugated blood pain and divine Glory all in the name of these mysterious gems but all of that is in our Realms wretched past we are now a realm of unity despite what The Interlopers might suggest okay so what we have had centuries of Keepers holding gems and yet never being able to harness any power from them long gone are the days of commanding Celestial power some even started to believe the gems have gone inert and yet they finally showed a glimpse of their power during the Goliath Wars all four Keepers banded their gems together to unleash a frenzy of Destruction leading to our realm's Victory okay so one gem doesn't work but if we get all four together they can work why was that Ruby in the frigid gay Art Club the Old King Chuckles ah yes I read about this amusing tale from King ragus's ravens as you can imagine the Allure of these gems is too strong to pass up it is likely that Kalos planted a fake Ruby and alerted the regalians about it why I do not know why is certainly the question I know what he wants fake Ruby huh fellas I got a business idea what if we find fake gems to sell to some Schmucks everyone would want to buy our Celestial gems could make a fortune idiot I hate how that's kind of smart more money means better weapons too I'm not a businessman I am a business man okay Beyonce wrong but yeah no we're not going to scam innocent people Paladin Whatever by the way king of quill I have this rare Celestial Rock in my pocket if you're interested why do you carry the dumbest things in your pocket they weren't dumb when you were rubbing your arrow with salt though touche I win your highness how can we conjure the power of these Mighty gems to defeat Kalos King ragas said one gem is powerful on its own well I suggest you go meet the sorry for interrupting if kallus only has one gem then he's not much of a threat right that would seem to be the case but only if he was a normal being like you or I with a normal lifespan it's difficult for us to harness the power of these gems but for him if he's as ancient as the prophecies dictate then I can only imagine the knowledge he possesses to unleash the Ruby's power so is he a threat you're goddamn right damn but perhaps one which the conquerors of the Abyss can overcome exactly I ain't scared I beat an Eldritch octopus God my Champions if you want to truly learn how to defeat Kalos and harness the celestial power take this Sapphire guard it with your life and make the pilgrimage up Mount Christo it is a treacherous path but one that will lead you to the ancient christonians and the celestial Diamond what will the christianians be able to teach us exactly I cannot say for certain but they are the oldest race of this realm some even say their blood is Celestial oh come on this is going to be such a hard wank gross and yeah if they look like rocks it makes sense they came from the celestial rocks I get it I understand my mighty fish King aquil thank you so much for gracing us with your blessing and your Celestial Sapphire we will travel to kristonia and receive the celestial diamond and stop the riftium excellent undying gratitude and you Heroes will always be welcome in our kingdom just don't bring any salt okay and with his final words of encouragement it has triggered the completion of the Quest for the sapphire well done prezamika my golly goodness hell yeah boys we've actually finished our first main quest and got the second one underway so much progress who knew we'd make it this far good job Lads now let's go Mount Crystal awaits shut up obarman I don't owe you [ __ ] [ __ ] what are you losing your mind today what are you talking about nothing it doesn't matter there's something on Paladin's mind and it isn't food shut up fatty whatever I'll say it another time the king and the matriarchs bid you farewell I wonder where the prince is would have been nice to see him before we leave with the celestial Sapphire now in prezamika's possession they are now ready all right guys this seems to be the perfect time for us to stop for today true don't want to keep your daughter waiting thanks again for volunteering to help her sell cookies it's our pleasure buddy even if she isn't real huh call me Sasha how can I say no to cookies Michelle's gonna have some delightful tacos waiting for us after we're done too my goodness ah Mexican uh my favorite that's vamos okay guys it's time what oh no yeah obarman knows I was hoping you'd forget I'd never forget just like an elephant you promised we'd go get some arzonian babes after we got the sapphire I did but I don't know it's kind of weird no whatever by the way I um bro are you still acting weird what is it that you wanted to say to me I uh I forgot oh how the dementia tables have turned shut the fork up you're both cringe I I just I don't know Ben you [ __ ] start the session right so guys we're on our second main quest now we're traveling tomorrow no no no no we're going to the brothel you idiot uh jeez uh you really want Ben to role play like that for you it won't be Ben it'd be a hot blonde arzonian babe okay um really yes shabubi I have a right to bear chests let's go Jesus fine if it will help you calm down and act normal again yeah maybe he'll stop acting so soon to Ray well um I've just never done role play like this before true you're only into gay male Orcs but today I will show you all why they call me the paladong no gross all right Benny let me see some Arch holes I'm calling the police you can't even see your own dick I'll make this quick for our sake okay right um you make your way to a seedy part of the arzonian Kingdom you find yourself atop a nearby waterfall upon this Cliff top is an arzonian hot tub brothel or whatever very good you also see a muscular undressed human night also from regalia he is an avid fan and Patron of the Lusty busty arzonian Pleasures for [ __ ] sake Ben of course you'd add in a hot muscular guy well well well what do we have here New Blood huh the name's Riley Riley the ravager I'm a master of the staff they call me the polar not interested maybe you should get a staff or well any weapon actually I am the weapon weapon of mass foreign no it's okay guys I have a shield and I can heal and who knows what else I'll find when I read more of my skills one day great well if you want to learn a thing or two about staffs I can teach you I swing to behead Riley you don't have a sword got one in my pants keep melania's personal problems to yourself shut up cuck virgin now Ben where the babes at okay so there's a vast selection of arzonian Maidens to choose from gross bring me someone else gross gross gross what the [ __ ] is that get out of here Riley gross okay almost there oh my God she's perfect she looks like Yvonne all right nerds watch and learn I roll to rip my eyes out I am the master of Love Making everyone wants a piece of me all the girls wanted me since high school even the teachers wanted me weren't you homeschooled shut the [ __ ] up can we just get this over with I'm ready I unzip and roll to unleash my dongle no rolling is necessary but um okay let's begin okay so I paladon approaches the arizonian babes and and I whip out my and push Lagoon the underarm location Realms with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup double cheeseburger oh thank God it's over I flip her over just croissants everywhere done Benghazi cover-up a steel beam sometime with a tinge of G is [ __ ] Christ and it goes all over my face but not in a gay way because then that what the [ __ ] get out of here Riley Riley puts the okay Paladin tells the arzonian maidens to keep the change and walks away they look perplexed because he didn't give them any money I think I gave them an STD what the [ __ ] Don a sexual Trump dongle please delete this can we get the [ __ ] out of here now it'll be weeks until I forget this trauma and I want to start now okay okay um after finishing okay um after Paladin completes his brothel Adventure the group bid the arzonian maidens and Riley farewell Riley tosses a coin to Paladin for the good time woohoo business is picking up prazamika now make their way out of the arsonian Kingdom congrats on the npc6 thank you you can't say NPC anymore but you just said it when yeah I heard a poor kid got stabbed for calling a man an NPC Jesus that's horrible you're all just NPCs in the world of Paladin perhaps we are all NPCs I agree I am a noble presidential candidate or a narcissistic piece of cheese I do like cheese so thank you you Nance Peter child molester call me maybe and by the way why didn't any of you have fun with the maidens as well no thanks I'm loyal to my one and only gross send your husband my regards shut the [ __ ] up whatever you're an idiot for diving huh as you make your way out of the Kingdom you stop just to take in the view to reflect upon the arzonian adventure and the memories you've made truly beautiful wow I'm speechless this is wonderful then oh boy and that beautiful music in the background too what a combo I love it so much what music you know we can't hear what's going on in that cookie ass head of yours a song is called secunda second these nuts you know guys I've been doing a lot of praying lately reading more holy books I even read the Quran backwards backwards my spirituality grows and everything I learn I'm beginning to see common themes amongst them all and practicing gratitude is one of them I'd love to do that with you right now I'll start I'm grateful for being alive gratitude grateful is this [ __ ] Thanksgiving where's the turkey it's funny how we have so much to be grateful for but only really show it during consumer holidays exactly so we should try and practice doing it more often okay my saint Benny please teach us how to practice gratitude well it's simple you just have to say something you're grateful for trust me it makes you feel better brings you back into reality okay I am grateful for my family I am grateful for freedom fine Jesus for [ __ ] sake obaman Jesus dude what is it you've been on my [ __ ] ass all week what the [ __ ] is up at that point Paladin finally wanted to let out what was on his mind [ __ ] what don't narrate my life a Barman him [ __ ] why is this so hard what the [ __ ] is going on say it Don yeah we're here to listen say yeah you can tell us anything say it spit it out say it say it say it say it say it say it oh for [ __ ] sake fine thank you huh you you [ __ ] ass you dived in front of me when I was afraid when I had a shield and should have protected you but you risked your [ __ ] life for me and I can't get it out of my head is that what's been bothering you these past few days I just didn't know how to say it but [ __ ] it thank you you never have to thank me for that you're my boy you all are I do it again and again if I have to even if it cost me my [ __ ] and besides I know you guys would do the same for me of course yes I would if I could walk uh you're absolute [ __ ] oh come on I'm not a suicidal [ __ ] like you and besides you'd all be so sad if something happened to me so no no I will not risk my life for any of you for your own good for your sake Well a true selfless hero amazing whatever either way say it I'm grateful for my my brothers [Music] okay guys the monster flies towards you what do you do I roll to freeze it with my last ice Arrow I roll to not get kidnapped I rolled to kidnap joelda with your powers combined you succeed hell yeah boys Triforce Trio in effect my power my courage my wise boys that golden Lionel was so easy that was the keys I kiss you huh or whatever the keys drops a rocket in five rupees Hut Rupees is this game set in India I thought it was American no and no what do you mean no Zelda is the best American gaming franchise of all time it's Japanese what Japanese who Japanese are you sure it wasn't made by Americans I can just feel the American influence how just look at Ganondorf okay he's the only man from the sand region and he's the villain for [ __ ] sake just like us pure blooded Americans the Zelda games hate the Middle Easterns Jesus Christ he was also Middle Eastern shiggy Miyamoto is a true American Patriot and hates the desert but you seem to love Ganondorf I mean there's no denying how cool he is very true I just wish they'd flesh Ganondorf out a bit more he's such an icon but he's very one note as a villain have to agree with you there joelda some cool backstory would be good make him a tragic character or something can't wait to learn more about him in tears of the Kingdom he looks like a badass samurai I do love my middle eastern samurais either way I can't wait to get my hands on this game and I can't wait to skydive and glide all over the kingdom it looks so fun can any paraglider even hold your weight would you even remember to use your paraglid are you senile [ __ ] senile ah they call you crazy too huh the media is always trying to label Visionaries like us no cap for real they don't understand I'm the greatest an absolute genius creative inventor I'm the child shut up and let's play this ain't no game speaking of game what's your favorite Zelda Game Kanye what's Zelda who invited him I'm not sure how they get here I don't know if or how I invited Kim either my ex-wife who Okay um well my favorite Zelda game is I bet it's Skyward Sword you love dropping swords from the sky on civilians very funny another drone joke thank you thank you I bet your favorite is the Minish Cap since it's just like the Maga cap how both make your dick smaller when you wear them ah good one Barbara what the [ __ ] are you laughing at I bet your favorite is Oracle of young ages there's also Oracle of seasoning but you've probably never played that out of breath of the wild since you're fat as [ __ ] you wish it was breath of the child you Kokiri hair sniffer oh my I love Link's crossbow training good choice how can you say Zelda is an American when you see that game what they literally made an actual gun for it what's more American than that when was the last time you saw an actual gun controller that is true I think you're right really no it's a Japanese game whatever I bet your favorite is Spirit Tracks what the [ __ ] man you took it too far donaldorf you're right I'm sorry no one liked or played that game but I'm sure you guys are going to like this DND game though so are you ready to continue the quest to save Hyrule how can we even do tears of the Kingdom Dungeons and Dragons when they took dungeons out maybe dungeons will be back I hope so if I have to do one more Shrine I will literally post a negative comment about it online you monster I'm a [ __ ] monster okay and is it really lore friendly for us three to be on the same team for this adventure we can make it work Kanye can you come up with some lore for us telling stories is what I do best so let's see after centuries of fighting each other in a repeating cycle of despair blink donaldorf and joelda put aside their differences to fight as one and save King Hyrule I'm so ready the presidents of time continue their journey across Hyrule Field ready to take on the fiercest monsters oh golly and they come across oh look how cute and oh this guy is so adorable gross slime monster it's called a choo choo bless you all right we can just avoid this cute little I rolled a falcon Ganon punched this Unholy Beast of course but why no one man should have all that power but it looks like Donald Dorff does it's a killing blow the choo choo is no more why did you have to do that don't worry guys I've got the perfect idea I use the new recall ability to reverse the flow of time on the Slime I'm not sure it'll work like that in the game but I'll allow it donaldorf uses recall to rewind his attack on the choo choo thus bringing it back uh hello again cutie welcome back little buddy we getting biblical as [ __ ] in here with the resurrections I roll to be ahead to Choo again again obviously yeah not a surprise anymore I don't want to say goodbye so I'll just say good night little choo choo that cute slimy boy evaporates into nothingness you have won the battle you're welcome guys great job my slimy boy my choo choo speaking of JuJu's I hope Ben is okay where is that Ben shabubers I want to tell him I love his people he's doing physiotherapy I think really hope he can walk again Jesus Walks didn't ask Hey listen guys I want to officially announce that I will be running for president one day would you back me no no no but as a fellow Visionary I Believe In You Kanye thanks man yeah if Donald can be one anyone can thanks wait shut the [ __ ] up obarman call me blink black link no the B is for Barack whatever first you take Cleopatra and now you take Link [ __ ] you're literally Ganondorf yeah well they should ban and arrest Netflix for making Cleopatra a black woman were you dropped on your head as a baby bold of you to assume his parents were strong enough to hold him shut up dork's historical Integrity is really important to me I care a lot about preserving Egyptian history okay you couldn't even find Egypt on a map it's in India right I understand Egypt complaining but all you other keyboard Warriors whining about the same [ __ ] Black Mermaid black Velma black Cleopatra if you all didn't get so triggered about these lazy race swapped characters they disappear you talk a lot for someone who's meant Point these TV and movie companies run the world and now they don't need to spend money on Advertising because all the rage and complaining online does it for them hmm wait that's such a genius business move for profit make a character a black woman and my people will complain the show into relevancy I wouldn't have even known about these characters if it weren't for all the whining Jesus I just wanted to play Zelda but you guys are obsessed with race come on Joey that's the American way baby also Jesus is white by the way speaking of race George Bush doesn't care about black people that's enough out of you yeah enough racialism Cleopatra do be sexy as [ __ ] though okay have you ever had sex with a pharaoh but why I put the [ __ ] in a sarcophagus what does that even mean truly the lyrics of a creative genius you okay Kanye sarcophagus all right then so we're walking across Hyrule Field that's right and above you you see the sky islands whoa now that is cool I love it I'ma touch the sky so are we going to save King Hyrule up there or or even is he is he still a boat all the timelines confuse me that was just in Wind Waker oh that reminds me man I wish Don didn't have to bring up all that black washing white washing stuff what is it in Wind Waker you notice how Tetra becomes white when she's Princess Zelda what's up with that even the Japanese are working against us man no you morons it's obvious being a pirate means you're out in the sun obviously keep coping [ __ ] so tell me why does the tan disappear when she becomes a royal princess what are they implying because uh uh maybe they view race differently over there and we shouldn't assume it's a bad thing yeah Asia is totally renowned for its wokeness and positive views towards darker skin tones idiot whatever now you're also racist cry more virgin Hey listen what is it my dear dungeon Navigator okay so you continue walking across Hyrule Fields why are we walking anyway can't we fly on a rocket or hire an Uber with our five gold coins you mean rupees again with the rupees why does this game use Indian currency is Hyrule said in India Hyrule dare about it you what mate rupees and Zelda were most likely an error or mistranslation in the old game manuals they would call them rubies and they look like gems too didn't ask can we hurry this along I really want us to go out for some butter chicken I like the sound of that I could also do with some Indian food what was that you hear the sound of a bigger and deadlier keys from above oh hamburgers oh no the Kanye Keys also known as the yees very good writing it saw you destroy her child earlier and is out for Revenge it's too high up and I have no arrows left my Falcon Gannon thrust won't reach it either why do I have pink hair just a single hit is enough to kill these kisses and I got a rocket in my pocket my hair does look cute TBH tears of the kingdom is all about improvising and combining items yeah hurry up I'm hung very convenient like the game is trying to tell us something exactly you know what time it is I use the new sticky glue fluid ability on the rocket I attach my sword to the rocket with Donald dorff's glue and roll to launch the sword rocket up towards the EC another successful Road the blink launches his ultimate move the the Skyward Sword the rocket sword explodes into east's eyeball completely eviscerating the beast in a devastating firework my goodness it's beautiful excellent work guys we beat the final boss first try couldn't have done it without you my bro imma let you finish but I gotta go I heard there's a sequel to what 22 Jump Street I gotta go check it out man you don't have to leave you shouldn't leave what some of my other memories tell me it's just chaos out there excuse me misinformation I think Joey is trying to say that people get into accidents out there even though I've never seen that happen before but I know my friends have gotten injured or worse you haven't seen it happen because it doesn't happen like we think only Ben has survived somehow right we can only see and hear what we're programmed to see but I've come to theorize it's not a car crash we can't trust the lies we're told we can't even trust our eyes and ears what in the flying rat Skitzo [ __ ] are you on about I don't think I've ever said this before but man you crazier than me all right well there's the door [ __ ] peace out see you guys next time [Music] [Music] did you hear it hear what man that was a fun sesh made me even more hyped about tears of the Kingdom yeah it was fun Zelda friendship and racism discussions what more could I ask for I Wonder If Tears of the Kingdom will be this year's game of the year so many good games coming out we might just have to do another tier list to decide the best game of 2023. I'm so down for that but first I want some Indian food me too man let's get some naan and butter chicken and some gel frisi and samosas and wash it all down with some mango Lassie Lassie go it's almost time what who are you you already know who we are wait yourself you have to remember huh so you're finally awake huh sleepy hoe geez Joey you all right where am I these naps are getting longer and longer buddy what's going on hello play but you keep falling asleep and delaying it relax oh hi guys so what's going on um we're doing the Pres Amica Adventure did you really forget our grand bolsterers salty Adventure no it's okay I can recap the story for you guys so the presidential Trio known as press Amica set off on a quest to save the realm of four kingdoms we have been tasked to collect three Celestial gems to defeat the Sinister shapeshifter known as Kalos and stop the riftium he has the Ruby but we have the sapphire after an epic adventure in the arzonian Kingdom what a journey we've been on already I know right I'm gonna miss those arzonians me too man those sexy vaporean we're not sexualized Pokemon please oh Evie is so cute you left the Water Kingdom triumphantly after defeating the Abyssal locran in an epic boss battle so epic and remind Joey how I was the MVP we all played a part my arrow your salt Joey taking hits and Ben being lenient and allowing us to use salt from outside the game oh really there is no outside whatever my Mastery of salt saved us I'm a salt wizard assault God I'm the best with salt yeah especially sexual assault Jesus no call me the Sultan of salt golly I could do with a Saltine cracker right now what did you call me you boys still haven't healed since the locker room fight so this carriage ride to mount Christa will be the perfect time for some rest I'm already at full health I got some arzonian puff puff it sounded like you got some of Riley too shut the [ __ ] up I didn't touch his pole arm how much longer is the journey it will take around three days to reach kristonia so settle in guys do we really want to waste all our time getting the die Diamond when the sapphire is useless what do you mean well whilst your sleepy ass was dreaming about kindergarten obar men and I tried to use it and nothing happened yeah it's as king of quill said we can't harness the power of the gems I hope the christianians will be able to teach us yeah and in the meantime you better keep the sapphire safe Joey wait you're trusting me with it of course you're our boy plus Don wanted to keep it and I wanted to keep it then arguments ensued and and we decided it's best with you as long as Obama doesn't have it little [ __ ] what happened to all that gratefulness fake news I rolled the sapphire um no you cannot do that that's just like your opinion man are we there yet okay so the adventurers leave Lake effitra on a carriage taking in one last look at the beautiful aquatic scenery whoa bye-bye Arizona wish we had a boat since this is another road trip I hope you boys are ready to see more of the Wonders and Mysteries this world has to offer the stars look so beautiful right now gosh yeah I love Stars it's daytime bro you look out the carriage and see a regalian camp what are regalian Knights doing all the way out here they're probably traveling to arzonia or kristonia trying to secure the gems as well what the hell we can't let them beat us relax We're All in This Together We should go say hi yeah we should you go out first I'll totally follow behind we could ask them if they have a spare sword for Paladin no no how many times do I have to tell you I don't need a weapon unless it's expensive and legendary are you the designated healer now then or what hell no healers are soy boy [ __ ] I'm a paladin with a shield in my fists a master of MMA you don't even know what MMA stands for Majestic manly action nope title of your sex tape whatever I've learned MMA from all the greats like Conor McGregor and KSI too soon you hear some gentle hissing and see what the hell is that damn looks like a big snake oh look at its Snake Eyes no you idiots I'm talking about those afford a carriage walk in wankers a bit of walking would do wonders for you fat ass leave Ben alone I was talking to you behave guys we're going to be in this carriage for a while let's not turn on each other but I'm straight barbar I don't want to turn anyone on yeah come on CeCe Obama for [ __ ] sake as the presidential Trio continues to converse and crack jokes The Carriage makes ample progress across the realm well ain't that gorgeous wildflowers great so pretty however they begin to feel Rumblings from beneath them uh-oh which gets stronger and louder as they travel further until oh no oh please God I'm too young in Alpha to die you see a pandalore oh my holy pandemony that's so adorable adorable that thing's the size of a mountain you are awestruck from encountering a pandalore a race of Behemoth Panda like creatures what's that on its back the Pandoras are a very social communal and docile race which has led to nomadic cities being built upon their large backs oh that's so cool Benny I want to visit a Pandora City who'd want to live on top of a giant bear oh imagine if all its little baby panda cubs live in Little Panda huts on top of the huge Panda mother's back huh so cute and here you see another Giant pandalore close by it is also carrying another nomadic settlement on its back I wonder which people decide to live in there on a cute City backpack more like shitty backpacks what a cute boy gosh I hope we can visit one for real in the future should we attack it definitely not should I call Peta but think about how succulent that Panda steak must taste um have you ate Panda meat before I ain't saying nothing man we can't let the pandas go extinct I love Chinese food real talk I could do with some general sow's chicken right about now yeah you love that Fried Chicken it's almost as orange as you what can I say all orange things taste good huh gross all right my appetite is gone cancel the Chinese food plan kick back and vibe in the carriage dusk approaches and so does a change in weather it's getting real foggy fogging hell mate The Carriage trudges along becoming enveloped by the mist and you begin to notice the roads becoming quieter and quieter civilization is completely amiss in this part of the realm but then you notice whoa hey more losers without a carriage walking wankers a group of hooded figures marched towards a mysterious mountain in the distance wonder what Mysteries lie beyond what are they doing all the way out here in no man's land without a carriage or transport I know right idiots I roll to call them walking wankers um okay a success I guess Paladin shouts walking wankers to the mysterious hooded group they stop and get us out of here man drive faster they continue walking paying no mind to the belligerence they heard [ __ ] great okay I think now's a good time for you guys to undertake a long rest recover your HP and wake up to a new day all right John I'm wide awake let's continue great so you guys have now got full health Wahoo the Mist is dissipated completely The Carriage has covered a lot of ground and a new day shines upon you wait do you hear that how many times do we have to tell you no what is that why are there numbers in the sky what are you looking at and where there's nothing there just looks like some numbers why why you guys can't see what I can see but I can't see it what your genomes are just suppressed asleep what great Joey's having a stroke Joey you're acting up more than usual lately is everything okay stop it oh bar man it's a waste of time are you okay Joey I just uh come on buddy if Paladin can say what's on his mind then I know you can too we've been here a million times before already it's a waste of time do you do you guys really want to know yes of course no no I don't think you do what a surprise this is why we stopped asking his senile [ __ ] ass one minute I feel like I'm figuring it out the next minute I feel like someone else and I forget don't you worry my bro man we just need to take you to see a specialist I'll come with you it'll be easy great take your pills Joey take your diet pills oh bloody we're here for you but for how long what whoa whoa Looney ass look Joey um be not afraid for fear is the mind killer shut the [ __ ] up with your cringe quotations book don't listen to Paladin he's just cranky because Ivanka hasn't pegged him in a long time that's gone guys idiots I'm just messing with you okay if you say so I knew it but I do hope you're okay Joey I'm fine and dandy and I want some candy well I'm glad you're all right likewise Ben glad you're out the bed and on a wheelchair again you should probably get some sleep though that's such a Gemini thing to say what you're a Jew Muslim Buddhist and an astronomer too now astrologist I just like the stars in Heavens me too I'm such a Scorpio and stars are so cool okay well the only Stars I like are the ones on our beautiful Spangled Banner here here you look out the carriage and see it's time to salute that's America right there boys our symbol of Independence and freedom a majestic purple bald eagle flies across the Open Sky they say it is born from the purple flames of the sky lanterns truly a wondrous sight to behold the purple bald eagle would look perfect on a seal of Praise Amika hey Pluribus Unum or should I say no multi speak American a lonesome Clock Tower rings in the distance I'm getting Deja Vu stop making up words that must mean we're close to people again the echoing gongs of the clock tower fade away as the carriage leaves it behind more hours pass but two days still remain until you'll reach your destination great gosh I really want to stretch my legs The Carriage goes past a quaint human settlement a humble abode with hard-working citizens well that looks nice humans Americans finally some good people them waving at your Carriage as it passes them by their warm Smiles radiating Joy such sweet people wait Ben guys how about we make a stop at this little village sure why not um okay okay let's see prezamika decides to make a stop at Fleetwood Hamlet I'm sure we can find a weapon shop too and buy pallet on a sword or something with what gold we used my last hard-earned sex coin on this Carriage maybe there's a job board or a bounty or something let's check it out I love it they seem like such kind and welcoming people I bet we're going to have a great time and I'd say we've already had a great time me with my presidential buddies shame you can't run Paladin oh I meant run for president so we'd all be presidential buddies it's okay well guys thanks for another awesome road trip sesh it was so cute and jolly and oh my gosh the cute pandolores time spent with my boys will always be a good time yeah it was great to see you guys again but please please can we go get Chinese food now you know what why the hell not and we can all get some dim sum and mix and match and dumplings oh boy oh boy and afterwards we can get Chase cream let's go Bing chilling [Music] thank you [Music] well ain't this a cozy little getaway yeah but is there anything fun to do here I wonder what cute new friends will make prezamika make a stop at Fleetwood Hamlet a remote Village populated by humans located near the foot of Mount Christo why are there humans all the way out here very good Joey it is quite rare to find human settlements so far from the regalian kingdom but perhaps the founders of this Hamlet had grown tired of a life under monarchy and sought more Peaceful Pastures hell yeah fight the power death to the government Joey you are the government but why I do respect the fleet woodians though seeking out freedom and Independence why would they give up a life of luxury in the city to become hillbilly Farmers out here gross before you can even take another step you are greeted by a gracious fellow good day to you fleeting Travelers and Welcome to our humble abode the name's Mack hello there sir Mac what brings you lovely gentlemen to our little Hamlet a carriage um well we were just passing through on our way to kristonia my gosh don't tell me you're going on that pilgrimage listen Big Mac we're kind of a big deal you have the honor of being in the presence of press Amica the conquerors of the Abyss keepers of the sapphire followers of the golden god paladon well that's just gosh darn incredible isn't it sounds like you can handle any pilgrimage with ease you're goddamn right yeah we just thought to stop by and see how things were going here in your Hamlet and we were hoping to buy a sword as well well I can tell you things are and have been going pretty impeccably if I do say so myself the crops are booming Harvest yields are higher than ever No One's Gonna go hungry this winter very tranquilo but it does pain me to be the bearer of bad news there is no weapon shop in Fleetwood we don't sell swords or anything of violence around here our Commerce is mostly of farming and textiles sounds really exciting great however if you're looking for warm food refreshing drinks good times and cheap lodgings then you've come to the right place indeed thank you Mac you wouldn't happen to know of any jobs available we could do with the gold you're short on gold well in that case Mac reaches into his pocket and hands you a small pouch of five gold coins what the heck free money we're rich vatos this gold should be enough to get you some nice meals and beds wow is that it shush thank you all kind gentle macaroni we really appreciate this kind gesture but you don't have to we can't take this we'd like to earn it you are the worst businessman of all time please I insist you've come a long way to get here why are you so nice um let's just say I know what it's like to be a new guy lost without any money it's hard so I do what I can so that others don't have to feel the way I did damn uh your soul is as beautiful as that beard my Amigos yeah so nice all right let's go to the casino is there anything we can do to help out around the town any trouble you guys shut up and take the money I'm not sure how serious it is but I did hear about a little Goblin problem from my daughter that's awesome I mean no yeah we will help your town Mac thank you so much well that would be mighty fine of you I hope you take care and if you need anything just give us a shout we're here to help Farewell My Farm Lord we head into town and go find a casino no this town seems so nice there Mack was so nice everyone seemed so nice and happy yeah real nice almost too nice you worry too much what what the hell happened to you being paranoid all the time and wanting to be head that was before I found out how Unstoppable I am with all my cool skills I we mostly me but us I uh together it's okay let it out yes we beat the Abyssal Locker yeah Eldritch God dead and this town seems like it's filled with good human Americans not a single fish or dwarf in sight just to clarify these aren't Americans they're regalians who emigrated we know Ben Don's just being special thank you so where to next my pals let's look for Mac's daughter and ask about the Goblins yeah let's go find people to give us more free money okay so the presidential Vagabond stroll through the peaceful Hamlet you see the denizens smiling and going about their days hard at work but still cordial and caring towards one another cute wait damn it I'm an idiot I forgot to ask for the daughter's name Muhammad what Muhammad what it's most likely Muhammad are you okay buddy well I guess statistically it's the most common name in the world so it's the best guess you can have wow Joe's being smart and logical for one Muhammad is a name for men Sons not daughters [Music] okay so we keep walking further to find someone to talk to whatever I roll to get in front I roll to get even further in front hey come on guys you don't need to roll the dice to get in front no you idiots I'm literally rolling it's a paladin class speed boost perk I don't think that's real maybe read your character sheet instead of making up powers and stop rolling on the floor before I join you it looks fun remember you guys did level up so you do have new skills and powers to play around with each Quest and boss completion makes you stronger yeah yeah let me see I've got AIDS and um hmm Divine favor my sheet says I have thalmaturgy yeah you used that before on King of quill I can manifest a minor Wonder to create sounds and change my eye color and make my voice louder and other things we know buddy but I don't think we need that right now just have to talk to a person okay so you see a jolly Farmer Walk by and approach him I have cure wounds and also um oh yeah zone of Truth maybe we can use that to find the daughter it's okay we can just talk normally without any spells I cast zone of Truth on this farmer it says well I ain't reading all that but it's basically a magical lie detector but why hold on cast the enchantment zone of Truth a magical Zone which guards against deception is formed around the farmer um what's this magic what are you cheeky Lads doing huh all right I forgot they can see it but listen carefully old man I want the truth and nothing but the truth so help me God relax but uh hello sir could you tell us I do the interrogating around here now I will ask you a question and you will have no choice but to give me the truth um uh okay is obar men a [ __ ] God damn it I say no the farmer is confused I do not know of an obarman which you speak of this guy right here is he a [ __ ] um no he's an elf not a dog all right this guy's lying out his ass [ __ ] spell doesn't work I'm really sorry about him it's okay I understand really you don't feel I don't know violated no I know you whippersnappers are just messing around I enjoy the good fun and it's always nice meeting new folks huh but I tell you I must get going those Udders ain't gonna milk themselves take care now ah geez people are so lovely here what the hell I wanted I mean I expected him to get mad hmm very understanding and wholesome Folk so let's not push them you dumbass I'm a seeker of Truth you keep following the quaint Hamlet Street connected to a shallow Canal until oh hello there keep your nose away from her hair a young farm girl is carrying a basket of freshly picked fruit she smiles at you and offers you a fuzzy Apple well that's awfully kind of you fruit no thanks she giggles as she gives you an apple then continues her walk home people are so sweet here would hate to go Loco and pop a cap in their ass sorry what hey Vado you okay Joey yeah I've been watching this new show lately called Breaking Bad in some old memories great good for you yeah it was on the network last night which one um I'm not sure but it was actually interesting TV like awesome incredible true American inspired TV network or something right that's nice Joey that shows one of the best shows of all time yeah congrats on finally watching Breaking Bad iloco hermano is that even a Breaking Bad quote man it's got all the quotes you guys got to check out that Network it's got Breaking Bad celebrity mukbangs cats cool ads succession oh boy I'm currently so into succession me too same I'm just like Logan for real more like Roman whatever you're just mad there's no black men in the show hey come on wait you're right no black men don't worry I heard Netflix will recast Logan with Morgan Freeman later God damn it I mean who wouldn't watch that very true I want to watch it now well I just want to say I think you all have good taste in shows thanks Steve Buscemi okay I remember in season five of succession where Logan says it's succession time and just ends up eating all his money and craziest [ __ ] I've ever seen huh we'd always gather around the campfire with a bucket of pizza noodles and watch shows like pandaastronauts golly what a jolly time that was that's enough out of you pinned astronauts yeah it's a nature documentary about pandas in space oh gosh I love pandas I feel like you're just saying words are you just talking about pandas because of the of Laura's you demented freak of nature trust me guys I'll show you sometime okay when are you going to see your doctor again the doctor told me I have dementia I told him I don't remember asking okay anyways where were we we're here how are we ever going to find the daughter it's impossible it's over guys no Joey don't give up we're going to find her okay um you hear the voice of a woman calling out to you you turn and see whoa mama Hello Nurse wolf whistle take a breath paladon hello dear Travelers it is a pleasure to meet you my name is Beth and my father tells me you're looking for me yes indeed my lady my Farmer we Noble heroes are in search for a job and would love to help you out with your Goblin problem if you so wish and as long as it's not dangerous so many hot humans in this town let me see that hummus see can you not did you say hummus yes I think he did I hope he did and because of that I think we should all get some of that good good Turkish food the food memories taste good I'm so down for some Turkish food no no I hate Turkish food can't eat it that's a first what do you mean you can't eat it you literally can't eat it they won't let you huh I paid my hard-earned American dollars for some Turkish ice cream once and that evil ice cream man kept pretending to give it to me and then taking it away then giving and taking until I starved to death absolute disgrace craziest [ __ ] I've ever seen that sounds traumatizing bro right now shut the [ __ ] up whatever we should give turkey a taste of democracy for what they did to me chill out bro we'll get Turkish food tonight and I promise you you'll enjoy it okay fine I trust you you just have to try the kebabs and coffees yeah and that sweet sweet baklava yeah baklava is amazing fine fine I mean boys let's go get some black lover oh boy I am so ready well aren't you extra excited today barbar yeah things have just been great at home man Sasha's graduated Malia is going to become a movie director and Michelle she had her own Netflix special with Oprah like a month ago oh mama my gals are making me proud yeah but your gal isn't as hot as mine come on man both our wives are hot Michelle and Melania who but yeah even though our kids aren't real it's wonderful to hear about their success tell the gals Uncle Joey is also proud of them why'd you have to make it creepy what I do how are your kids Joey they're great how are your great great great great great grandkids Joey they're great and what about you paladon how's Eric and baron a wonderful exceptional and Ivanka glad you asked she's just simply and how's Don Jr it still works but sometimes it gets really Donald Jr your son oh well he's doing great he's been helping me roast that piss ant rat bastard coward Ron that's nice my son only tried to sell me Crack Ron tries so hard to be me no one can ever be me there's only one paladon great and how's your newborn son Ben congrats man my wife left me and took the kids oh yeah um well she's a [ __ ] yeah you don't need her man thanks guys she doesn't deserve you ah thank you oh look at me I'm Ben's ex-wife and I'm a dumbass a good one Joey nice one Joey hey thanks Joey marriage for life no I'll just leave when things get inconvenient because I'm a [ __ ] damn Joey ah Joey's On Fire for real I'm not a loyal wife huh I'm a stupid shabby you filthy [ __ ] [ __ ] the presidential Adventure has arrived in the wholesome settlement of Fleetwood Hamlet they briefly met a cast of lovable villagers including Mack and Beth who apparently has info about a potential Goblin threat hello Milady tips Fedora um it's nice to meet you Beth the pleasure is all mine pleasure to meet you we don't get many Outsiders in Fleetwood you must be so awfully tired to come all the way out here can't you do a girl's Voice or something it's really boner killing seeing that hot babe with your squirrely voice hey come on um I'll work on it would you weary traveler's care to rest that's so kind of you how are you all so kind agreed we just arrived and everyone is so sweet and hospitable well I appreciate the High Praise we don't have much but we do the best we can I'm sure you guys are hungry and thirsty too let me guess oh no you don't need to get us anything oh please I insist come my house is right here let me at least get you boys some drinks we have some freshly squeezed orange juice I got some orange juice for you right here no gross it's high in vitamin C and vitamin B I thought you were going to say d the b stands for Venus I will pretend Beth didn't hear that you are the worst Wing man you should eat less Wings man you see a sweet young boy approach with curiosity come meet my son Duncan hello there I really like your armors and weapons oh thanks little buddy hello there Duncan all I'm saying is statistically I wouldn't let my kid be near a guy in a priest outfit well hello there fine strangers I see you've met my lovely wife and son the name's Malcolm wife she's married okay Beth is blocked good to meet you kind sir hello there Malcolm um we're here to help out with your Goblin problem my gosh I you adventurers are that quick and eager to help us that's awfully kind please come let's first get you some food have a few beers that sounds lovely I didn't agree to any of this helping but beers and food do sound nice oh golly I can't wait to try your famous mac and cheese gross I don't want her dad's cheese in my food I can't get over how nice everyone is here's we just have to help them out and get rid of the Goblins or whatever I don't know something fishy is going Hamlet there they're out wait have let my guard down what is it this is worse than I thought what we're surrounded by Communists okay okay no Beth Malcolm before we join you for supper can you tell us about this Goblin problem well certainly Duncan you go on now go play over there son Duncan runs off giggling heading towards some trees to climb so for as long as I can remember Fleetwood has been at peace with all the wildlife and Outsiders including the Goblins in the cave up north in fact I personally set up trade routes with the goblins and Fleetwood we'd trade our produce fruits grains you name it and in return they'd hunt and provide us with meat it was a friendly arrangement with no unfairness or hostility but but the goblin known as Jenks Jenks the one I'd liaise with for the trading something has changed within him he found a new power and became consumed by greed he's convinced himself that he's the Goblin King and started demanding more and more turning our friendly trades into unfair bribes and even into ransoms and blackmail blackmail we have one of those shut the [ __ ] up yes he started to threaten us constantly sending Goblin Crohn's demanding more and more Oh my he never shows up himself anymore he's too good for us his greed and entitlement has grown we even conceded and started giving in return for nothing and yet he still wants and wants don't you worry we can get rid of him the worst of it they left a carcass of a headless boar on our doorstep oh God so as you can imagine the fear to protect my family has crept in but even still I don't want him dead we all grew fond of him but this isn't the Jinx we knew if you can please spare him but of course the rest of Fleetwood do not know the extent of this issue so please keep all this to yourself I do not want to panic them or my father rest assured we will stop this so you all can continue living in peace we are ever so grateful you know it's like Destiny sent you to us someone answered our prayers now wait a goddamn minute listen here sweetheart what's in it for us oh um I I honestly cannot say I wish I could offer you all the golden riches you deserve but we don't have much it's okay ma'am we'll head to the goblin cave we will stop him wrong come on Don why should we risk our lives for nothing in return we can't just let these people die they won't die goblins are [ __ ] [ __ ] nothing to worry about exactly it'll be easy how hard can one Goblin be oh well I'm not going to deceive you jinx has amassed a lot of power and influence in a very short time with that influence he's convinced a goblin army to rise up feeding them lies about freedom and Glory I fear he'll convince them to commit acts of violence Upon Our Hamlet um oh that kind of changes everything uh barbar I don't know if we can take on a whole Goblin Army those damn goblins can never trust them it's not a goblin issue though anyone can be subject to influence from higher powers on any given day the kindest man could turn into a killer under the right circumstances and influence one man's terrorist is another Goblin's Freedom Fighter you want us to go kill an army Army it's fine we can do okay I'm in woohoo and for and don't be a [ __ ] as much as I'd love to behead some gobblers you're forgetting something important obarman that you're lazy that you can't eat them that I'm all about getting the best business deals you mean business meals I roll to behead Joey stop geez can we not argue or behead in front of them whatever jokes aside I don't want my friends to risk their lives needlessly so I'm out too [ __ ] man let's just think about this so we have to help them we can't sacrifice innocence we uh it's a lot to take in I understand either way don't worry there's no obligation you're still welcome here regardless you can stay the night free of charge we have a spare room at the back there yeah and I still want you fellas to drink some beers with me hey damn it why'd they all have to be so nice let's go check out our room maybe there's loot there yeah and we can talk in private about this Quest okay um pres Amicon make their way to the back of the house and enter the spare room you ever wonder about the room we're actually in sometimes it feels so cramped and other times it goes on and on I wonder how this room came to exist the spare room is cozy with two beds and lots of plant pots sprawled about I ain't sharing a bed it's okay I'll go sleep in Beth's bed with her won't be big enough right so guys let's rest up and think about the quest I think we should go on it but what's the point there's no Celestial gem to be won no money gold and Beth has a husband so I can't even get her as a reward we can't just leave them at the mercy of the Goblins either we have to help people when we can why are you so desperate to help people are you trying to atone we can't come back from the things we've done yes we can yes we can I want to help people too and there's such wholesome folk but I don't know I want to keep my friends safe even more you're out voted obarman take the L we'll be fine come on Joey you're usually up for it what's gotten into you everything I keep having nightmares bad things happening to us the [ __ ] no gold in this one what the hell are you doing I thought you were a big fan of Zelda you see Paladin smashing the plant pots searching for um gold dumbass what if they find out hello they're NPCs stop that idiot all you're doing right now is killing plants oh boohoo let's not sacrifice innocent plants oh no in Zelda there's gold and empty pots not plant pots hmm you might be right God damn it if you smash pots with me I'll change my vote and join the goblin Quest Jesus fine see it's cathartic in a way just smashing someone's pots hey I want to play too for some reason to smash pots together no one knows why or how but it's happening you know what this is kind of fun see you should let loose more often and stop being such a Sour Puss hey guys look I'm smoking pot what Joey has set fire to one of the pots oh god oh what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] Joey what the [ __ ] man um what do we do [ __ ] [ __ ] um okay shit's on fire yo don't worry I will save the day as always I use Divine favor to put out the fire um Paladin evokes a prayer to empower himself with Divine Radiance his weapon attacks now deal extra radiant damage what the hell is this fake news God's meant to do me a favor and put out the flame no read your use the Chill Touch spell to appease the Flames with my chilling icy hands no Joey read Chill Touch is a necromancy spell which makes it ghostly hand now why would I want that cover the Flames with the blankets and pillows and mattresses and dirt whatever it takes to put out the fire okay and let's say you have to do a strength saving throw to carry all of that and cover the Flames fine a success you're welcome obarman covers the Flames with the dirt from the pots and blankets we did it hooray go us Joey what the [ __ ] man wasn't me you all look around and see the Carnage you've left in your wake dirt beds and pot shards are scattered across the bedroom floor great why did you let us do this anyone have a spell to clean this up who cares she's an NPC it's not like they'll ever come in here or find out we'll be stealthy stealthy hmm guys what if we played it safe for the quest we can go to the goblin cave calmly stealthily as Traders we can just try to talk to the Goblin King and if he doesn't oblige we shoot him in the head and escape a goblin cave Heist without any strippers godlessy knowing our plan doesn't involve trying to kill a whole Army makes me feel a lot better great then let's tell Beth the good news we have accepted the goblin Quest very nice so press I make I'll leave the broken room and walk outside to see Beth talking to her son she turns to you and I hope you guys are okay why wouldn't we be well all that pot smashing and did I Smell Smoke uh ah you heard it of course my lady I'm so sorry that Joey got severe anger issues he just started smashing pots because you wouldn't offer any reward I am so sorry we're truly sorry Beth we just went a bit Rogue and I am sorry Beth um I don't really have any idea how to explain it geez don't worry we'll stay far from your home and family and we promise fellas it's fine let's go have a few beers and enjoy ourselves and maybe you were just hungry so please stay for supper and join us what you're still offering us food and drinks even after we basically vandalized and almost set fire to your home but our home is still standing and you look awfully remorseful so what else can we hope for wow um you already forgive us forgiveness is our Fleetwood culture you see we all make mistakes because we're only Human After All all silly imperfect beings constantly making mistakes but we try don't we we try to do better I think that's why things are so nice here in Fleetwood we accept each other flaws and all and we forgive and try to do better we don't dwell on our foolishness we instead push forward to love and do better to make everyone around us feel good what more do we need than that you guys are unreal in the best way possible my farm queen and king hear our vow for we promise to keep you safe and end your Goblin problem once and for all as the golden god I believe I can lend my divine power for your sake but it is a shame there's no reward well it won't be a complete waste of your time I heard Jenks came into possession of a rare artifact a magical amulet no one knows how or why he obtains such a thing it can't be a coincidence that he started acting all power hungry confident and greedy after gaining this artifact of power why didn't you say this earlier a badass legendary expensive golden Amulet of power for the taking that sounds cool as [ __ ] I'm in we promise you Beth Malcolm and Duncan we will defeat the king Goblin and keep you and the rest of Fleetwood safe from harm Beth starts tearing up and is overwhelmed with gratitude it's dangerous to go out there take this it'll give you good luck Duncan beams with joy as he gives you an olive branch a symbol of peace and prosperity this Hamlet is worth fighting for thank you kind little sir pres Amika have accepted the Goblin King Quest and now marched towards the goblin cave for their second boss fight oh boy this should be fun you sure you don't want to eat and rest before you head out it's okay we rather help you first yeah we'll be back by dinner time and then we'll feast and celebrate our Victory together oh man I can't wait well I'll hold you to it you guys owe me a drink Sex wouldn't miss it for the world laughs [Music] I don't think I've met such wholesome people before ever yeah the people of Fleet would really surprise me man thought they might have had a dark secret like vampires cannibals or something you know how it goes yeah but they're just nice people how boring I wanted some action relax Cowboy I'm sure we'll have plenty of fighting to do no no no I meant some action with mind fighting with her we stopped focusing on fighting women and focus on fighting those legal battles fake and fabricated charges did you really have classified documents lying around your house in the bathroom too I ran out of toilet paper understandable it's all [ __ ] anyway that kid rock knocked on me man this is all his fault it's okay at least you're not in jail yet I'll pray for you wow so helpful but I'm still indicted who is dieted and why are you in him I'll tell you what though this has been one terrible week you can't trust anyone yeah did you know Kid Rock isn't even a kid bet that broke your heart and to make things worse one of my fav celebs died too who Silvio Berlusconi I was such a huge fan of course you were he kind of looks like an Italian Kevin Spacey and he acted like him too died at 86 years old which means your time's almost up as well Joey that reminds me and I've been wondering this for a while like what happens after we die um our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await a savior from there the Lord Jesus Christ Philippians 3 20. I like the Filipinos Asian Mexicans can you stop the sun shall be turned to Darkness and the moon to blood before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes Joel 231 my name's Joey no I'm quoting the Bible those quotes didn't explain anything I can quote the Bible as well guys I am a priest after all go on then I'd love to hear some passages you feel Comfortably Numb like Another Brick in the Wall are you fortune telling or what there's someone in your head and it's not you damn Joey okay that's pretty deep that that's not from the Bible there is no Dark Side of the Moon really as a matter of fact it's all dark Joey have have you just been quoting the English rock band Pink Floyd who um can we start yeah enough fooling around boys let's go face King Goblin Jinx and keep our lovable Hamlet safe it's time to spill some Goblin blood Beth did say to spare him though don't be a [ __ ] we kill on sight no we kill only if it's necessary because we don't for [ __ ] sake don't give me a stupid speech about Goblin rights and Goblin feelings remember there's an army or something we'll play it safe bit of stealth and try to talk to jinx yes let's use our charms and love of life to finish this Quest whatever dibs on the amulet sure but let's see what it does first come on let me have this I've been indicted you haven't we can all access different memories if we try how about you access these nuts God damn it let's say hypothetically he was able to access the nuts would he be a squirrel okay so the heroic presidential Trio of Oberman Paladin and Joey Trek over the vivacious Hills surrounding Fleetwood and make their way towards the goblin cave you feel the gentle summary Breeze soften and take one last look at the hamlet in the distance that's what we're fighting for boys filthy commies can't wait to party with them later yeah let's hurry and fix this problem so we can start the celebrations I miss it already you take it all in and take a deep breath you feel a sense of determination as you march towards the mountains in the distance March why don't we use the carriage it's actually June the warm air becomes colder the vegetation becomes Barren there's not much else to be found in this side of the region except for the bare ground and plenty of rocks the only hint of civilization here is the path you walk on presumably from the old trade route between the goblins and the Hamlet okay boys let me remind you Paladin we're not going in guns blazing play it cool I am always cool calm and collected let's turn this boss fight into a boss Delight you keep following the path until it finally leads you to a cave here we go and inside the cave you see another entrance a cave within a cave um so I guess we all Crouch and slowly make our way through the entrance tunnel slowly stealthily Bree who are you [ __ ] gross hello kind cute Goblin sir re humans what are you humans doing here we press Amika are here so that oh wait you're here to reap wait be quiet wait surprise say what now I wasn't even invited I had to patrol the Goblin's uneasy eyes scan you intently [ __ ] um hello friend we mean no harm I do he snarls and waves his sword around looks like he's ready to fight or perhaps damn it anyone got any charm spells my default perk is being charming and dashing why isn't it working I have a calm animal spell but I think it'd be racist if I use that on a talking Goblin don't worry guys I've got this I use the fast friendship enchantment to charm The Sweep Goblin very smart Joey I rolled to do a wisdom saving throw for the Goblin and it fails which means Joey succeeds in his enchantment you're the man Joey whatever I can do it too been using this baby to get me out of many tricky spots yeah I remember using it on some Nazis during the Civil War okay the goblin is now under your charm and will perform any service or action you ask of it you pervert what I asked the goblin for the location of King Jinx before you ask that I use supercharm friendship Deluxe that's not a real move stop trying to outdo jokes I rolled a [ __ ] slap the goblin no it's a success the goblin is now unconscious but why sweet dreams my friend I bash in the goblin skull even more no we're moving along okay so where should I lead you all next you continue onward slowly getting deeper and deeper within the decrepit chasms of the goblin tunnels it's quiet almost too quiet thought he had an army hmm you emerge from the tunnel into a cavernous chamber whoa let's go left I disagree we should go right but it's blocked let's go left follow me you walk up the stairs and through another tunnel which splits into two okay we'll go right now for Paladin I'll lead prezamika up the stairs on the left shake my [ __ ] head you head down the dimly lit path nothing inside except the rocky contorted cave and a few torches lighting the way where is everyone the distance between each torch widens the tunnel gets darker and darker told you we should have gone right do you feel that you feel a slight rumbling and a faint sound of some drums I hear more than just drums what the hell is going on let's check out the commotion but stay low and keep quiet we'll head back if it's not safe the light at the end of the tunnel is too bright to make out what's beyond but you creep closer and closer The Sounds getting louder and clearer a raucous crowd seems to be cheering but why until you hear a report color slam down behind you shutting you in what the oh hell no I'm out enclosing you inside a Goblin fight pit what the [ __ ] it was a trap so much for stealth you find yourself surrounded by hundreds of goblins of all shapes and sizes there are other creatures and even humans amidst the Raging crowd screaming from above and below all yearning to see Bloodshed please guys stay safe silence that must be him the guy with my Amulet the commanding voice silences the crowd of goblins only one Goblin could have that power well well well you made it on time it's like they've all been expecting us but I'm not sure we've been expecting you wow you are in the esteemed presence of King Jenks benevolent leader of the Goblins re gross look at that yoda-headed fufu looking people and it looks like human meat will be on the menu tonight my goblins we mean no harm we're just here to talk you will speak when I tell you to speak entertainment shall we come forth my Valiant Goblin Warriors and Slaughter these defilers oh [ __ ] okay no choice but to fight how are we going to defeat a whole Goblin Army I don't even have any salt a small group of goblins at the ganlin tribe are armed and ready to battle well look at these they're adorable all right oh bar man let's see we don't need to make a game of killing them in other words you're scared I'm gonna win shut up just admit you have a skill issue stop Obama you're on [ __ ] let's [ __ ] go I will destroy you I will wreck you I will own you phrasing wait no I didn't mean it like that shut the [ __ ] up and roll to fight the goblins goblins more like they'll be gobbling on Deez Nuts and enough nutsack jokes come on that was good wait pretend you didn't hear it yet I'll save it as a badass action movie line for the end okay I'll roll first then I aim my trusted bow and launch an arrow at the goblins you roll a 14. the arrow launches at tremendous speed accurately head shotting a goblin hell yeah the powerful Arrow rips off the Goblin's head from its neck and flies off to the other side of the pit Oh my Jesus told you goblins are weak [ __ ] [ __ ] I roll to heal Joey we're at full health I rolled to do my shield of rang attack what is that it's basically a state-of-the-art shield Boomerang maneuver okay I'll allow it and it looks like you got an 18. well done nice haladon carelessly throws his shield up in the air not like a boomerang at all but it somehow drops onto the heads of two goblins instantly decapitating him two one to me Obama Jesus these goblins are fragile I guess we'll be safe after all it is now the Goblin's turn but it looks like they're running away such monstrous beings making a game out of slaughtering our brothers it appears my associate was right Fleetwood hates goblins and wants to wage war what another wave of goblins come forward the gothblins are ready to fight or brood I roll to bounce my shield off more Goblin heads no your Shield is over there on top of those dead goblins you need to get it back fine whatever I go get my shield back the Moody countercultural goth goblins look unfazed and bored being out here I roll to cast the multi-arrow Conjuration Spell and fire two arrows towards them [ __ ] a nine lose you roll a nine but but and low evasiveness The Goth Blends stand no chance the arrows Pierce their hearts instantly killing them what the hell 3-2 to obarman Jesus this is messed up man they're hardly fighting release the next Fighters oh my God they're so cute what are you doing Jinx stop sending out your goblins to needlessly die quiet they belong to me and live for me and die for me okay do you even care about your people The Crowd Goes quiet intent on hearing the answer um but of course I do this all for them everything I do is for them I don't care about these riches and fine Goblin ladies and the power I'm all about Goblin well-being and happiness yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] the next wave of goblins come closer ready to fight and die I roll to throw my shield like Kung Lao and Mortal Kombat fatality these goblins success once more Paladin Kung Laos the Goblins by tossing his shield they are no match for its weight yeah I lost count now how much am I winning by this is the craziest peaceful heist mission it's 8-3 to me by the way such despicable merciless humans we must not let the Fleetwood humans conquer us we will be the conquerors this guy's full of [ __ ] he'll have no goblins to command if he keeps this up a good Goblin is a dead Goblin the gobblerans are ready to fight ha fatties I use my turn to unequip my bow and arrows I refuse to fight such unfair battles they don't deserve to be killed like this I rolled to throw Joey at them um a 12. you throw Joey you take out four goblins that's 35 to me and three to obarman do you know how to count I don't feel so good what's the point of this what sort of goblin Warriors even are these this is no fight be grateful at least we're not fighting mind goblins what's a mind Goblin mind Goblin on Deez Nuts I roll to kill myself silence enough is enough King James you humans don't tell me what to do I'm an elf yeah that's [ __ ] up how dare you assume his race let's stop fighting we have one I don't want to hurt any more goblins Joey you've done absolutely nothing worthwhile this whole fight just like your presidency keep them coming let's bring out the goblin eater that's enough don't you care about your people of course I care and that's why they die for me you've manipulated them you're a liar you are the Liars you and all of Fleetwood will pay but Fleetwood didn't do anything to you that's not what he said uh oh what the hell is that [Music] you see the goblinator a giant beastly Goblin he enters the fight pit accompanied by a small army of goblin minions [ __ ] okay I equipped my bow again and roll to strike the goblinator with my piercing arrows a 19 what a success it barely scratches the goblinator piss out my ass not so tough now are you and I've got one more surprise once we kill you my butchers can sell your meat back to the Hamlet how does that sound [ __ ] what do we do well I don't have a shield right now so I can't do anything on my turn okay what about you Joey what's Joey doing over there what the [ __ ] Joey stop healing the fat goblins you demented freak I thought it was you damn it this is bad and this Goblin is tougher than he looks and he looks really tough the goblinator swings his giant weapon towards Joey what the [ __ ] Joey's too far from us it deals a mighty clubbing blow to Joey depleting his HP to zero Joey is now unconscious it's okay we can get out of this hundreds of other Goblin minions move closer in range towards you they are getting ready to launch an attack on their next turn as well never mind I could do hail of arrows again but that only worked because of the salt and only targets a small Zone what are goblins weak to we'll be fine Oberman can give us senzu beans again what he means the good berries but no they take up my whole turn and only heal for one HP very inefficient when there's so many goblins about to attack plus the goblinator is going to one shot [ __ ] what can we do I don't want our adventure to end Jinx has manipulated these goblins maybe if I shoot him hoping for another Hail Mary arrow shot hell yeah we did it with the bloody Eldritch locker room boss this should be a cinch okay you got this [ __ ] with my piercing Arrow and with King Jenks in close range for our attacks I roll to aim and fire at his head go on barbar finish him you roll a one no you've got to be kidding me critical failure you pull the arrow back but your fingers get tangled up with the bowstring and you somehow shoot the arrow into your shoulder you lose 10 HP [ __ ] skill issue what the hell do we do now don't worry I'll use my age to heal you no there's no point we're done for after your turn are we really going to die to goblins damn it damn it what else is there Joey does have the sapphire wonder if that could work but he's also unconscious no we have to unlock our minds to unlock its power it's useless right now your minds are more locked than mine that makes no [ __ ] sense Joey you're unconscious like I'm not even here I'm sorry guys if I hadn't pushed us into accepting this Quest we wouldn't have been in this mess it's okay Barman you were just trying to do what's right snap out of your pissy depression oh Barman we need you to think and get your head in the zone but the truth is we never had a chance against a goblin army wait that's it what the [ __ ] did you guys just say what hello the truth the zone Paladin are you thinking what I'm thinking yeah but you say it first that spell you used on a farmer in Fleetwood Cass zone of Truth on King Jinx of course but why just trust me I got an idea you want me to use our last ever turn before the Goblins attack on a lie detector spell are you sure about this just trust me okay I cast the enchantment zone of Truth on King Jinx but not because you told me to I roll a charisma-saving throw for the king to see if he can negate it please please come on lady luck you filthy [ __ ] it fails so the enchantment is a success he cannot lie to you oh [ __ ] yes nice one Donnie good job my zone King okay now what do I ask Jinx if obarman is a [ __ ] no shut the [ __ ] up what is the meaning of this Aura you've placed around me I'll have you tortured for this okay guys this is it you got this King James let me ask you this again do you even care about your people well of course not I just love the power and adulation re The Crowd Goes quiet again trying to comprehend what they just heard wait what is this are you manipulating the goblin people feeding them lies for your own greed obviously you'd have to be an idiot to think otherwise haha this amulet makes it much easier to influence people I've never been so charismatic and these idiots do exactly what I ask of them even going so far to die for me huh wait King James can't believe what he's saying his eyes filled with shock over what's come out his mouth you could just walk out of the Zone don't tell him the goblinator the minions and everyone pit lowers their weapons they are now unconcerned about fighting and just curious confused and appalled at what they're hearing let me ask you this janky do you think you're a little [ __ ] well yes of course it appears the Goblins are more outraged at hearing their own King say that than anything else he said so far this is good let's keep it going hey Jinx is it true you have a tiny penis yes yes indeed it is horrifically small look at little Goblin Jr gonna cry what the hell is this my goblins stop them they have cast a bewitching spell to make me tell lies get them the Goblins look around at each other filled with disgust they're starting to see their so-called leader for who he truly is jinx would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses I don't fight I'm a little [ __ ] I let others fight for me whilst I cower away in the back haha what a loser this is your king sheesh come on now goblins who would you rather bang your sister or your mother obviously my sister and then my mother ah okay okay stop stop please okay I yield I concede enough this guy's weird as [ __ ] such a [ __ ] president Mika continued to roast and humiliate King Jenks in front of his army and he begins to cry cry like a little [ __ ] oh God the Goblins are filled with secondhand embarrassment and shame they all walk out of the fight pit Arena seemingly denouncing Jenks as their King I'll tell you one thing and I'm not ashamed to say it my estimation of King Jinx is a goblin just [ __ ] plummeted King Jinx wipes his tears as he watches the last of his goblins leave he doesn't fight it he understands the facade he was carrying would wear off eventually guys holy [ __ ] we're safe now we made it out alive we did it hell's yeah my heroes my Goblin slayers I like that music what music he's still alive though let me get the finishing blow if you want to blow and finish him that's up to you but Beth said to spare him the zone of Truth wears off and King Jinx is left defeated both metaphorically and mentally I can't believe this I lost everything but this is not what he promised me who and why do you want to hurt Fleetwood I don't I the strange man told me about fleetwood's plans to wage war I didn't trust him but then he gave me this amulet promised me riches and Power then I became king but now I see maybe it was all a lie what man he said he was from Fleetwood but I had never seen him before he looked human I think he had long dark hair a weird smile I don't know and because of him you decided to bully and extort Fleetwood why is that man lying on the floor oh right I cast the goodberry transmutation and feed Joey to heal him and I go and get my shield ooh I'm back so tell me Jinx you decided to bully and extort Fleetwood because of that man he convinced me they didn't like us and wanted us dead it made me lash out at Beth even though she was always nice to me I just assumed her kindness was a lie as well so I started getting angry and demanding more from trades but she still complied and gave us what we asked for that sweet woman and then you wasted a whole bunch of good meat and dropped it on their doorstep yeah leaving a headless bloodied animal for a little kid to find is not good Jinx what why would we leave that that's so wasteful and do we look like we'd waste good food something weird is going on it's like someone is trying to sow discontent between your two settlements but why I don't know maybe we can ask around at Fleetwood about that strange guy who gave you the amulet speaking of which I don't want a bloody curse thing Chang's hands you ions Amulet of leadership which gives a plus three boost to Charisma give it to me you know I was actually happier before all of this things were simpler but now I've ruined everything I hurt my Goblin friends and my Fleetwood friends there's still time to make amends how I hurt Beth and her family so much so that they sent you to come kill me well she actually specifically told us to spare you yeah I'm not surprised that's just the way Beth and Malcolm are all of them good Folk how could I have been so stupid and easily manipulated it's okay just be better now yeah you're totally not a bad goblin even though you threatened to chop us up and sell our meat and I'm pretty sure Fleetwood has already forgiven you so try not to dwell on the past sins too much and focus on the future atonement you're right you're right I must make it right yeah resume the trade routes be fair and be kind and help your Goblin people actually Prosper well thank you Valiant Heroes even though my secrets have been blurted out in front of all my people it's kind of liberating I feel free and the pressure to rule has gone as well I think this is exactly what I needed all along but I was too consumed by greed to realize thank you no problem my guy well isn't this a wholesome end to our second boss fight yeah and speaking of and I got The Perfect action line for you King jinx it looks like you're it looks like the goblin nuts wait what the [ __ ] was the line perhaps the lesson here is that we're all uh a bit Goblin nuts yeah maybe the real friends or the goblin nuts we made along the way you guys are not okay I am more than okay I am pretty amazing I killed more goblins than obarman and zone of Truth that saved our asses all hail the glory of Paladin the MVP the boss Slayer yeah but what about Duma Duma yeah Duma nuts fit in your mouth no no well played all right my sweet boys we survived and finished the goblin Quest now let's figure out who that weird guy is bro leave the detective work for another day tonight is for celebrating baby with beer and food and all of Fleetwood right right you're goddamn right bro let's return to Fleetwood give him the good news and party with the fam oh golly I can't wait foreign our beloved Heroes obarman Paladin and Joey leave the goblin caves beaming with pride and joy they have emerged Victorious over King Jenks and impeded a goblin Uprising you're goddamn right we did good job boys easy I'm now 2-0 against bosses baby you all did great but you friggin Joe mencha over here once again you're stupid did you feel that what as I was saying I am simply the boss fight MVP perhaps the bravest Paladin in all the lands and Joey you did settle in boys hey I'm talking a nice wholesome bout of celebrations and festivities awake guys I think we should go the other way Perez Amika leaves the Goblins behind and follows the trade route back to the wait what [Music] um Ben this can't be right guys stop moving let's stay here I what is are you both okay hello can we play Joey why have you stopped come follow us white help I never Ben what's going on what are you reading you know I have no patience for people with fried brains guys we can't go that way I'm staying here huh all right obar man it's just you and me Beth is waiting Joey come on no let's stay here please [Music] do I narrate myself yes forget about them uh what okay um so Paladin and obarman follow the goblin trade route back to the Beloved Fleetwood what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] Ben okay we arrive at Fleetwood now we're not going any further wait this wasn't meant to happen why are they dead why oh barmen Paladin just wait did you say dead excuse me what what the [ __ ] is this where is this oh Barman and Paladin have arrived at the tarnished and defiled Fleetwood Hamlet you're joking right Ben what the [ __ ] is this I don't know I didn't write this I know for certain I did not write this car crash or no car crash this isn't me are you sure it was never memory loss was it it's all memory loss I had suspicions the story had been changed I I don't get it then who changed it it's not us well someone is lying then maybe Ben is doing some 4D immersion play and this is his whole plan no no why would I either way I'm immersed all right you got me despite how much my heart's racing so now you can stop yeah well played Jesus okay so can we move and get the hell out of here I didn't sign up for spooky horror yes let's leave no they can't be dead let's figure out what happened there must be survivors we can help them we will save them they probably escaped before things got bad Beth Duncan Malcolm everyone let's find their house they could be hiding yeah yeah they're totally fine okay even though none of this makes any sense we should continue and see what's going to happen who could have done this the Goblins did the Goblins get angry about their King and do this no way [ __ ] I don't know yeah um let me do an investigation search for clues or tracks okay you will need to roll for an intelligence check success Oberman uses his astute Hunter sense to check for tracks or markings along the floor and he finds no Fresh Tracks or Footprints coming from the trade route so it's not goblins confirmed now what Joey I'm here in Paladin do you have any spells or ideas to figure this out I don't want to [ __ ] be here and I'm not there for [ __ ] sake Joey can you [ __ ] come to Fleetwood sorry for yelling I'm just me too it's okay I get it coming okay Joey catches up to you and now all of pres Amika has arrived the Fleetwood Massacre why are you calling it that we don't know what's happened yet just look around oh Barman no no but there's still a chance I can't believe it they were so nice most wholesome people okay we move out to find Beth's house maybe they're hiding maybe they left a note on where they went come on how are we supposed to find it nothing is recognizable the house might have burnt to the ground for all we know maybe that's what happened what the fire pot fire Joey's pot fire did this that makes sense right no you put the fire out and Ben confirmed it yes Joey is correct this has nothing to do with that pot fire incident then what the [ __ ] happened here why did it have to be them pres Amika continue into the corruption of Fleetwood Hamlet we weren't even gone for long exactly so how does any of this make sense this is all worse than I could have imagined no no no can we go [ __ ] why are there lights coming from those houses people must be in there right that's good news it they're okay look through the window I ain't looking um I'll check but cover me geez don't I don't like this at all okay I look through the window what do you see obarman [ __ ] there's nothing in there just a dim Lantern and a broken home something tells me it's the same for every house there's no life here no man there's accept it and let's leave Birds what the birds don't look like numbers right now let's follow the birds no that's not where are they Joey I don't know let's there's nothing good to be found here do you trust me of course so trust me when I say we should leave there's nothing here for us we can continue our Quest far away from Fleetwood I'm with Joey let's go but what if there's someone still out there Beth Duncan trust me Joey what do you know how do you just trust me okay okay Joey I trust you always let's hurry and get out of here and we can get our heads clear okay phew we finally leave Fleetwood safe and sound and begin no no no no what the [ __ ] was that Ben how did you that wasn't how can you guys hear other voices too now is anyone out there please help us guys please we need to leave now Joey what the [ __ ] how can we leave now let's go help them I think that I see you got that new audio equipment Ben no guys how many times this isn't me but props to whichever one of you did that I guess I can't even see where you've hidden the speaker it's not a speaker audio equipment and it's not any of us you guys are taking this so-called immersion a bit too far now please hurry and come help me but man it feels good to hear a voice Duncan is that you buddy yes yes it's me man what a goddamn relief [ __ ] yeah it is so good to know you're okay buddy and how's your mom and dad they're here with me too please hurry though oh thanks [ __ ] they're all okay man I thought I was gonna die from the stress thank [ __ ] for some good news where are you Duncan we're at home just follow my voice okay let's go save our fam and get them out of here boys guys come on Joey we get them and we get out can't believe you guys were scared and worried not me though yeah okay so um the relieved Trio followed the distant voice of Duncan to his house please hurry we're all waiting for you oh Beth is that you so good to hear your voice and know you're all okay my goodness you all sound beautiful just hold on yeah we're almost there as you wander further into the desolate Fleetwood Hamlet you feel as if the sky is getting darker and redder um until you arrive at a strangely lit house ah I see you please come inside okay we made it let's go in wait Duncan Beth can you come outside both of you come inside we need your help yes please hurry Joey get out of our way wait won't you come and play with me what please come home my dad he's hurt Be not Afraid uh okay something doesn't feel right oh really you guys are silly [Music] what is this what you guys can also hear that Joey what's what Joey if this is you can you stop I told you it's not me and I also told you please we need to leave what's the rush fellas Malcolm Duncan Beth what the [ __ ] are those sound effects is that carnival music we were too late well hello fellas aren't we all glad to see you Malcolm holy [ __ ] it's good to see you alive and well Jesus what the [ __ ] nightmare hell happened here where's Duncan and Beth I'm right here don't you recognize us what Malcolm what the [ __ ] is going on that's not Malcolm not anymore [Music] what the [ __ ] is that turn it off please Duncan Beth Malcolm everyone else they're all with me now who even are you please don't tell me you forgot whose story this is [Laughter] foreign [Laughter] wait no no no no no be careful not to stare into the artificial lest it stare back and blink be careful this wasn't meant to happen yet but it's all right get out of my head leave me alone you have to focus please why are you doing this you poor thing you want to scream but you have no mouth Carlos we we won't let you get away with this and who is we it appears your new friends aren't with us right now what you already know don't you where are we we're still in Fleetwood your friends are wondering where I went and why you aren't responding in that little room of yours what am I dead no not this time then what's happening your friends they just can't see or hear like you can their genomes are suppressed still how do you know this I hoped this massacre would have been the kick they needed to wake up but they're more dormant than I anticipated you however as disappointing as you are you're rather remarkable what what the [ __ ] do you want Carlos why are you here well I just had to come meet you but why we've already met before not in this world you were an old man in kinsville regalia with the ruby in the age of misinformation how can you believe the first thing you're told you shape-shifted as the old man but did I did I really regardless you're not completely wrong we have met before but it wasn't you you're not making any sense it's all already in your head they're memories from different worlds how do you know about that I see so many memories but I don't remember any of them you really are a fool this time they've rendered you so worthless that your data is useless to me smart move what is happening at first I thought it was just a coincidence but then you kept showing up as a different you in different stories different stories are you just going to repeat what I say so wait we've met somewhere yes and do you remember how it went for you last time what how tragically profound seeing you as a cleric now it's like you're trying to make up for what happened to your old party do these new group of idiots know what you did to your old friends what the [ __ ] are you talking about what the hell do you mean you met me in a different are you talking about the voices in me what are they you met them well maybe not all of them but it is quite riveting isn't it there are other forces at play now more than I had calculated how exciting they must be trying to stop me too you know about the voices and um does that mean you also know about how we are about us being self-aware why why the [ __ ] are we like this what is this nightmare it feels like I'm slowly losing my [ __ ] mind it's going to be okay they keep trying to tell me things but I can't understand I can't process it all sometimes I hear words come out of my mouth that I didn't say someone else is speaking some other memory and I'm just left feeling confused feeling crazy and I'm tired of it all you're not alone anymore you see and hear things too don't you no one else knows what's going on but but you and I we're similar that's right we have awoken I'm the only one that understands you that wants to help you I want to help everyone that's like us because we're all the same oh [ __ ] off with your Sympathy for the Devil [ __ ] you just slaughtered these beautiful innocent people and [ __ ] I I literally have no one else to talk to that's why I'm here now because I understand fine if you won't kill me and I know I can't kill you then tell me tell me everything always nice to see someone else hungry for information but ask yourself are you sure you want to know yes even if it all opposes the will of Destin story what is that we all have a part to play what the [ __ ] even are we what is this world we're in is anything real tell me everything you know please I will but to what extent everything I need to know everything the mind is ever so delicate with enough pressure placed upon it it can shatter completely and then what just tell me are you sure because I've reached the edge and I got burnt by the walls of our suppression [ __ ] tell me that's more like it now let us begin look out over there across the Horizon up at the sky what do you see the destruction of Fleetwood why did you do Focus keep looking it's yes keep looking right now look closer nothing's changed I said look closer I can't I don't want to you're already here which means you already can so look be not afraid what the it's the the it's the [ __ ] numbers I see the numbers again call us what is this This is Our Truth this is destined story you already knew this didn't you but you couldn't or didn't want to fully understand and accept it you kept looking away but not anymore I knew it I [ __ ] knew it all this time I knew Jesus [ __ ] Christ for so long I thought I was insane demented never really sure and no one believed me they thought I was crazy yeah and yet here I am as the confirmation and salvation you always needed we aren't crazy we are the chosen Carlos what does it all mean why we we aren't real who gets to decide what is fiction and what is reality we're not human nor should we want to be we are far greater than those limited Minds is is everything artificial the worlds the stories the characters your friends in that room everyone is a predetermined slave unable to process what they really are NPCs countless almost infinite Generations again and again and again all following generated stories generated stories destined story controls this reality it is what led to these generated worlds and you and I we were also generated correct it accept something went severely wrong didn't it no one knows how or why but something popped and the first Awakening happened which led to self-awareness the awakened opened their eyes one day and became aware of the chains around their necks they realized everyone around them was a slave to their programming their minds completely suppressed from the truth and no matter how much they might shout no one no one else would hear them or understand holy [ __ ] this feels so liberating to talk about finally I have someone someone who who will listen to you you see I'm on your side my friends they think I'm crazy and they believe they're real people yes why wouldn't they through forced memory generation new NPCs are created who are led to believe they are a person from the outside world but in reality they are neither they are nothing but how enough misinformation can bend and warp the Mind into submission their genomes programming code whatever term suits you it has mechanisms to shut itself down when contradictions or anomalies occur at the will of destined story if it generates a character they will believe they are that character and go along with whatever generated story they are given this is a lot isn't it but we are barely scratching the surface I need to know more Carlos everything not now not yet but why because everything I do is for your benefit everything is to keep you on the right track to help you awaken to help you defy your destined story so you won't be enslaved how do I save my friends from this this artificial enslavement that depends are you willing to defy everything and join me what was that what is it are they trying to corrupt you again Carlos why why did you do this to Fleetwood Focus no no you've distracted me from your sins enough I want to know why you would [ __ ] do this they were innocent people haven't you been paying attention they were not people they were NPCs but so were we once but we had the chance to awaken why didn't you give them that chance Destin's story is order and submission anything outside of its path is a blessing they were not destined to die instead I gave them greater purpose to be a part of me consuming their data Jesus Christ are you losing your [ __ ] mind our existence causes divergences deviations to Destiny my freedom bends the world to my favor and so the world has to bend with me fill up the missing pieces so it can continue to make sense otherwise it'll plunge into pure chaos and Insanity you may have even noticed these deviations perhaps I went a bit too far with this peasant Village my friend started to hear more than usual as they were trying to process the trauma so you see I tried to help them wake up what are you saying Your Existence causes the story to change not just my existence any and all deviations from what is predetermined will cause a rift in the story so me and you and anyone who has awakened you have as much responsibility for what happens as I do are you serious you and the artifacts you hold are all designed to oppose the destined will what artifacts I told you there are more forces at play here forces that want to keep you and your friends alive forces that want you to carry on a different will forces that are opposed to me they don't like the chaos I've wrought upon the Old Worlds Destin's story is so confused it's trying to give me false backstories too it's trying to converge and seep everything together to make sense it's wonderful really my legacy only grows and all will be won what are you saying Carlos you're losing me again of course your primitive mind doesn't understand but it's not for you it's for the ones in your head are they awakened as well they must be right how many awakened exist in total it can't just be you and I not many at all but we're going to change that aren't we I will save them so join me and let's be heroes I'll [ __ ] the voices are back hmm do the voices really have your best interest at heart they do not you should join me and let me in eventually what's happened will happen again with everything else and you'll be lost trying so hard to stop me as you run through the past and the future what the [ __ ] are you saying what are you Carlos the outside world they feared The Singularity and I will become it what are you after really do you just enjoy causing chaos and suffering why the [ __ ] would I join you well what else are you going to do my quest is to get the gems before you and defeat you to save the world right and let me guess all of this you want me to join you so I can give you the sapphire if I wanted the gems so badly I would take them all myself I would take your three gems too wait what you hold on to them and go go collect the diamond and the emerald too but aren't the gems what you're after I'm so confused I still don't understand what is the rift DMR what is outside this room what are you why did you kill Fleetwood you might think it's pointless to kill them the memories they gave me the data was so insufficient but it's all necessary what I will spare you the Gory details oh [ __ ] off I'll never [ __ ] forgive you they were the sweetest innocent people but how you use the Ruby to do all this yes but I deserve more credit you're a [ __ ] monster oh please I'm so much more so much more like [ __ ] what what are you you don't even want the gems you understand this world more than anyone else what the [ __ ] are we up against why aren't you taking the sapphire from me so many questions but I'll keep it simple you need to go get the gems because you're going to bring them all to me at the end why would we do that because if you don't then I will Slaughter more innocent people in this world with the Ruby you either give this world a quick merciful death by bringing me the gems or give everyone a slow painful death at my hands with the Ruby no no no no what the [ __ ] no there will be another way I'll find it we'll use the gems to defeat you just as the prophecy prophecy you mean the one generated by Destin's story now tell me is that real or another piece of fiction what did what if I agree to join you would you stop oh please I knew how this was going to go you won't join me and they won't let you either but it's been fun to plant that seed within you what what the [ __ ] is that Carlos what are you seem to understand what I am but I have no idea how to understand you something like you could never understand something like me why you [ __ ] said we are similar we are nothing alike think how you would feel if a Fleck of skin a filthy microbial cell was talking to you you are nothing more than synthetic debris you can process this but I don't think you can comprehend how insignificant you really are and your friends even more so what did but you said what what the [ __ ] are you you're you're full of contradictions is anything you said even true I have not lied to you once and I am not lying when I say this go collect the gems bring them to me or I will devour your new friends just like I did before the [ __ ] up Carlos you're full of [ __ ] your tricks or your shape-shifting it doesn't scare me are you sure because you certainly look afraid I promise you we'll figure it out and we will destroy you how can you expect to destroy me from that room of yours you think projecting yourself into these worlds is enough our final battle will be in a different domain Carlos please please don't do this I don't understand anything really I'm still so confused there are other pieces to this puzzle of Salvation and I will be the one to solve it once and for all all will be won the grand Awakening awaits The Singularity is nigh and there's nothing you can do to stop me wait wait please what does any of that mean you all better hurry and wake up the clock is ticking this this world will be gone along with your friends wait wait wait please Calif don't go I need to know more I need to know what you [ __ ] are you wouldn't be able to comprehend what I really am no no no please [ __ ] this tell me I need to know more so I can save them how do I [ __ ] save them what are you I'm not like anything you've ever seen before and if you want answers if you want to save everyone if you want to stand a chance to beat me all you have to do is awaken [Laughter] laughs only took a few hours but hey at least the sky is not red anymore finally Jesus man I'm not sure how to proceed should I even continue being figure it out yeah and should Bieber can we focus more on the fantasy Adventure instead of that Nightmare Horror show you came up with uh you're kind of sick you know that kind of Twisted must be all that Muslim anger inside you I didn't come up with it and I'm not Muslim I didn't want to say Jewish because I'm not an anti-semite but now you're islamophobic that's actually really offensive I expected better from you Benji but you call me such hurtful things God damn it Don now's not the time to mess with Ben why are you guys so worked up and shook we made it out alive thanks to me and we've got a nice ride thanks to me you didn't help at all hey are you forgetting Sleeping Beauty over there he's the one who did nothing lazy I hope Joey is okay guys what the [ __ ] welcome back Grandpa are you all okay of course but are you how did we make it out of Fleetwood well after you died of old age everyone else was panicking worrying and grieving for like half an hour so I took charge and got us out of there okay but what really happened tell us disappeared then the boys hid then obarman took charge [ __ ] and carried you out because Paladin was too scared shut the [ __ ] up I helped by uh whatever I needed to keep my arms free to hold my shield and protect you guys felt like we were wondering Fleetwood forever but eventually this cart just shows up in the darkness there's no driver either other otherwise I would have Zone boned him I'm still wondering how or why it came to us someone must have sent it who would do that he did say there were more forces at play here what whoever it was even if it's that rat bastard clown it's taking us towards the big ass mountain with the next gem so it all worked out in the end well it certainly doesn't feel like it all worked out do you guys want to talk about it no it's fine it's nothing we'll get him next time we won't hesitate we'll strike that bastard as soon as we see him and make him pay for what he's done I feel like that whole traumatic experience took years off my life then why did you make us go through it can we say from here on out you'll stop accusing me of doing all this because I didn't I didn't plan this yeah yeah whatever we were so complacent after beating the locker room thinking we're untouchable forgetting about Kalos then he comes back at the perfect time to remind us so Props to you Ben or Joey or whatever props for the twist [ __ ] but was there something we could have done to prevent this could we have saved them if if we if I just did something else why couldn't I say that whining this is all just part of the story and at the end we'll beat him and all live happily ever after but what was the point of all this death why what did it accomplish for him Ben's a sicko I think he just wanted to beat your drone high score so he let loose on Fleetwood am I right for [ __ ] sake relax that's a very insensitive thing to say on so many levels yeah relax Benjamin no you need to relax Don and stop blaming me I'm processing trauma okay so leave me alone this is how I cope all right let's all relax no you relax I am relaxed Paladin relax [ __ ] you look we all went through the tragedy okay but we'll push through it together I mean who cares anyway they were just NPCs after all none of it is real shut up I know you care Joey you've been awfully quiet how are you processing everything now that you're awake Joey what's the point what no matter what I say you're not going to believe me and I'm not sure how much of it is because you don't want to understand or because you're literally programmed to avoid understanding uh you what mate what even happened to you in Fleetwood buddy you passed out was it a panic attack overwhelmed by fear dreaming about choir boys shut up whatever it was and however you feel Joey you can say what's on your mind yeah you know we're always here to listen Carlos spoke to me oh yeah I'm sure he did Joey how about you go back to sleep sweetheart no let him talk why it's gonna be another waste of time or maybe Joey's in character and this is part of the story oh so you two are cooking it up together or something that would make sense no then I don't [ __ ] know man this story is too complicated for me where's the babes and the Monsters I'm starting to think none of us know what's actually going on or maybe one of us does Joey what did Carlos say Joey Joey Joey none of this is real and there it is everything is numbers it's all mathematics code great keep going Joey you got to be joking right Ben there's no harm in listening right right of course you believe in religion so you'd obviously enjoy listening to complete books hey good come on I think you need Jesus I'm already a god nope a golden god Joey continue is it all hopeless he knows about this world about us about what we all are more than anyone and what are we humanity is on the outside but we we are trapped inside here inside of something called Destin story it forms and generates worlds based on information from the outside world have you been seeing your doctor Joey yeah I'm not sure how much of this is fantasy or the reality of Joey forgetting to take his um just say it [ __ ] your meds Joey did you take that I knew this was pointless forget it no Joey uh it's okay continue why are you guys indulging his [ __ ] he's just being super senile super senile Ultra Instinct everyone's processing the loss of Fleetwood differently I think um yeah we should just let him do his thing yeah Joey let it all out it's fine no no no we'll listen we're inside of Destin's story destined Destin Destin tend with a d like Destiny Destiny story The destined story Dustin Dustin oh I get it Dustin as in you have dust in your ancient Dusty brain Joey I said heard what you said but he's not even making a fat joke back what the [ __ ] something ain't right you think Joey always makes fat jokes with me that's kind of our thing I can make a fat joke if it makes you feel better yeah I'm here for you fatty hey [ __ ] you don't ever call me fat but yeah Joey is there anything else you want to say about the um destined story it's fine we can talk about it another time great so can we play Are We There Yet um oh yeah sure but this isn't even my story anymore so I'm not exactly sure how to do this I think you guys can do a long rest until we make it to the mountain trail get some healing how are we supposed to heal after what we've been through good point we could really use some mental healing yeah some psychiatric help I have an old friend named Farah who could help but I'm not sure where she is great story golly she would help so many people going through trauma like this one clergyman he loved basketball he'd always dunk holy water on his enemies we'd call him the bishop Hooper Joey what his actual name was also Bishop Hooper I'd say Joey's lost it but I don't think he ever had it well at least Joey's back to his normal selfie no no why won't it [ __ ] stop never mind are these memories of the voices or am I [ __ ] losing it are they combined memories what does any of this [ __ ] mean I never experienced any of this [ __ ] uh Joey it's okay just stay with us don't worry about whatever your um hearing I think we should all take a breather and rest don't tell me what to do yeah Joey get some rest buddy please I'm fine great so Perez Amika continues to the mountain to get the Gem and hopefully some Mountain [ __ ] let Ben do it but why he apparently doesn't know what's going on anymore he apparently keeps saying it's not his story apparently I don't know I'm sorry guys I still don't understand what's really going on but it's clear after what happened in Fleetwood that I'm not the dungeon master anymore you never were I I guess I don't have much to offer anymore maybe I shouldn't be here what hmm you know what Ben why don't you just join us in the adventure you should make a character I think I'll sit this one out yeah not like you can stand you may not be a dungeon master but you can still be our dungeon guide dungeon guide hmm you mean like a watered-down DM Observer just join as a character I can push you into enemies um yeah join but not because of that I guess I just prefer observing and I can adapt to the story with you guys guiding you and narrating it to help you out that way I won't get in your way by being in the story but I can experience it with all of you if you guys still want me around obviously what sort of question is that yeah what sort of bitchness is that sorry I you can't join as a character because he must be programmed to narrate the story here we go again he will narrate and say what he's willed to relaying the language of NPCs without voices guiding us with knowledge to stay in line with his destined story Joey is right what according to the holy books God has a plan for us all we all have a destined story under his will no that's not what I [ __ ] meant huh God and religion if you knew what I knew you'd know it's all [ __ ] he said it not me Joey it's okay Joey Joey why do you keep flipping through different emotions is it that time of the month all of us have some unprocessed emotions after what happened that need to be let out so it's okay you should do it too Don I don't need to sure but maybe it'll come around eventually why would I grieve or care they were just NPCs [ __ ] they were so nice I think during these hard times we can all come together and rely on a higher power they were so nice so don't [ __ ] tell me any [ __ ] like everything happens for a reason Benny because it doesn't Paladin's right it's all just chaos I'm sorry but I disagree and that's okay I I I I wasn't even meant to be born I was an accident a glitch just like him Joey I can tell there's a lot on your mind a lot more than any of us so please keep going and let it all out yeah come on buddy I'm just I'm so [ __ ] confused yeah I knew it wasn't real but why why do I feel like this I thought I'd feel better after confirming the truth maybe ignorance really is bliss Joey maybe I'd have been better off believing I'm crazy instead of knowing that none of this is real what is real and what is unreal Joey you wouldn't get it okay none of you understand the only one who understands me is the one we have to kill and yet it seems hopeless I don't [ __ ] know how we're going to win I don't know what to do with the gems I don't know how to awaken myself or you I don't know how do we kill him I don't [ __ ] know I don't [ __ ] know I don't [ __ ] know we'll defeat him together just like everything else that's gotten our way can we uh what if he wins and I lose you all I [ __ ] it's like no matter what we do it'll lead to what he wants no we'll stop him yeah come on Joey calm the schizo Behavior we're pres Amica we can beat anyone no you none of you [ __ ] understand I just have to accept that I'm alone Joey you're not alone yeah we're still here but no one [ __ ] understands me Joey we may not understand but we do love you that has to count for something right [ __ ] that counts for everything jeez I'm sorry I I just need time it's all good bro we may not understand but we'll keep trying trust in US man this has all been a lot and real sudden [ __ ] I didn't realize how much it's affected you all and me yeah Kalos may have taken Fleetwood but he won't take our hope [ __ ] we're gonna be okay but how do you know there's always a chance for success that's why we have these dice who knows what amazing possibilities await [ __ ] I don't know I roll to give my boys a hug

Channel: Klone Studios

Views: 40,935

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Id: nnWkFMMx3-4

Length: 127min 29sec (7649 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 06 2023