PRE-SNL: Episode 1 (Pete Davidson, Michael Che, Colin Jost, Chris Redd STAND UP)

[Music] what's up how you guys doing you excited yeah i am 17 so unfortunately for you ladies you know keep it down you know because you'll go to jail also guys if you have a girlfriend i get hit on her because if you do anything you also go to jail it's a win-win yeah i'm into cougars you know you know i think 21 year olds are so hot i just graduated high school which is uh pretty cool uh i went to an all boys school which wasn't pretty cool uh it was awful actually there's like farting contests like one time a dude crapped himself and he won there's something that should never happen in an old boys school never get an erection because uh yeah there's no excuse for that at all at all i got to take a health class anybody ever take a health class it's basically a grown woman a man says penis and vagina and you laugh right in the face i got i got a christmas break assignment for my health class listen to this what is your favorite disease and why and i didn't do it and i got in trouble she's like why didn't you do it i'm like i don't know i'm not a big fan of diseases let alone have one i call my favorite it's like one of those messed up facebook quizzes you get like what disease are you hepatitis in the house i know you guys a little creeped out i'm aware i look like a white black guy okay yeah you know i'm tall i have big lips i like white [ __ ] you know somebody told me the other day i look like john cryer the gay dude from two and a half men yeah that's not a compliment i don't know like nobody wakes up in the morning happy like yeah i look like john cryer awesome no it's awful because it's like one step away from stevo from jackass that's what it is [Music] i went to school in brooklyn so like the majority of my friends are black and it was weird because like i was the only white guy and like i watched tbs it's never like that it shouldn't be like that like we were hanging out and black people speak english but it's not english like they're like yo pete i haven't seen you in a minute i'm like jacon i haven't seen you in three months what are you talking about do you have perception of time this is ridiculous i'm still growing which is weird like i hope this height stops and my pee pee starts because brown and yellow brown and yellow it's i went outside when we had a snowstorm in new york we had a blizzard and i went outside to shovel and my neighbor was just like hey dude i hate to break it to you which is you know always a great way to start a conversation hey david so he goes up to me he goes hey i saw your sister in the shower naked yesterday uh i'm sorry and i'm like wait she's been gone for two weeks what are you talking about it was me that's a [Music] he was talking about me i'm from staten island uh sorry um it's not a nice place it's like where dreams go to die that's what's that like all we have is like mob lives you guys see my wives they all look like fiona from shrek after the transformation a little disgusting there's a lot of things going on in my town like 20 year old women having sex with 13 year old dudes and i think it's awesome i think it should continue i think it should because if i turn on fox news and the guy's like woman sexually offends 13 kids ages 13 to 17. i would be camping in the woods i'd hold the sign i won't tell him please you're only going to help me i'd say sexy things are turn a woman rapist on like ah guess who got food in his braces [Music] i don't like [ __ ] though because i love them like they're great for the environment those they're recyclable and like i can be having the worst day of my life my whole family could die in an accident i'd be really sad i would but as soon as i see boobs i'm like i'll get over it [Music] i write great songs about [ __ ] like i saw mommy kissing santa claus anybody noticed that every every christmas just a nice little jingle you imagine being that kid coming down the steps night before christmas like [Music] every time he sees a christmas cookie as like a panic attack all his friends are like dude i heard santa's not even real oh yeah timmy he banged my mom no we didn't look at my brother he's an elf look at him look at him first time i got a [ __ ] was in this dream i was having the first like i like porn like the first time i saw it i was like eight like i i was watching porn at eight i had no idea what it was but i know i liked it like i just got my driver's license which is uh cool um i asked my mom if i get a car i was like mom i get a car right she goes yeah you get a 2011 mongoose but like i got excited because i'm stupid and i googled it i was like mongoose is this german it's a bike so apparently my mom's really funny and i'm gonna save a lot of money on gas and i got pegs in the front and the back for the [ __ ] which is nice i'm gonna put snooki on there and make an e.t sequel i can't wait i i used to my mom like found my weed grinder and she was like what is this i'm like it's a yo-yo like i have to stop because it's just getting it's getting bad you know i mean like i started messing around with my drug dealer when he texted me like yo pete i got that hairy fire i'm like i'm sorry you should get that checked out that's that's never good before i go i gotta tell you this um i saw my mom naked recently which it was an accident don't judge me uh i went to open the door to the bathroom which she never locks apparently and i opened it and yeah i ruined my life i saw it and then i went downstairs and called my friend because i'm an idiot and i was like dude i saw my mom naked it's awful he's like oh that's weird i was like no it's not weird it's an accident it'd be weird if i opened the door and i was like yeah not bad all right guys that's my time on pete davidson thank you very much [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh man this is uh this is this is fantastic man i'm from new york i'm from low east side manhattan which is a gentrified neighborhood and uh if you don't know what gentrify means it's basically when a bunch of white people move to a messed up neighborhood and then open up cupcake stores everywhere for something i don't know as well even in a recession too and i know it's a recession because i went to one of those occupied wall street marches because i wanted to see some protesters get tased and i saw a white lady there holding a sign that said damn the police i wanted to rob her on principal but just to see how committed she was it's cool i mean you know i said new york's cool it's a it's a very liberal town you know and i get i get afraid with liberal audiences because you know liberal audiences are sometimes more conservative than conservative audiences you know there's liberal people only people that get offended on behalf of people that's not even at the show i don't know i i think i think i think i'm liberal because i'm poor and i'm black but i also listen to a lot of gangsta rap which is probably the most conservative thing you can possibly do i didn't give money to mitt romney's campaign but i did buy kanye west tickets and that's similar i basically just gave somebody money to listen how irresponsibly he wanted to spend my money i don't know i don't know people keep talking about the recession you know it's not that bad man we still got shows on tv like the biggest loser we got so much food in this country we got to figure out contests of how not to eat it all messed up countries don't have that there's no biggest loser ethiopia i know i do i do think the gay marriage i think that's a big i think that's a big issue you know i'm for gay marriage because i can't think of a good reason to be against it i heard this one guy on tv he goes come on man you can't let gay people get married what's next people are going to want to marry animals and i was like yup hey man i eat animals if you want to marry one that's your business i'm pretty sure i'm doing the worst thing to it if i was a goat you asked me if he was like yo goat would you rather be chopped up in this jamaican lady stew or marry this strange farmer it wouldn't be the toughest decision i made as a goat i don't want to be in love anyway man i don't i don't want to be in love i'm a big fan of like though i'll take like over love any day notice the difference obligation if i like somebody i get to like them until i don't like them no more and then i can stop taking their calls as a way out is the end of it if i love somebody you love them forever even if you don't like them no more and there's nothing worse than being in love with somebody you can't stand man there's no essay strategy out of love that's why if you watch the news you'll see people kill loved ones all the time nobody ever kills people they like though everybody everybody's watching you sleep in your bedroom window cause you seem pretty cool this is really cool to do man you know cause i was never really a good student in school you know it was always bad i used to cut class a lot you know i had a teacher tell me in the seventh grade i'd never amount to nothing and i never forgot that as long as i lived and i seen her recently too in a supermarket by herself buying like 40 cans of cat food and i stopped her too i was like hey miss conroy remember you told me i'd never amount to nothing and she was like yes i looked dead in the face and i was like lucky [Applause] [Music] guess [Music] our next guest is a writer on saturday night live and a very very funny comedian he's making his television debut tonight give it up for colin jose ladies thank you guys so much how's it going tonight you guys doing good happy friday uh are there any couples in the audience tonight okay heard more ladies than men okay not a good sign guys aren't sure yet here's my advice to couples out there okay if one of you is going to lose a bunch of weight you better both lose a bunch of weight because there's nothing worse than seeing a couple you haven't seen in years and you're like oh my god mark you must have lost like 50 pounds and janet hey um i was home with my family for christmas and i was hanging out with my grandma my grandma's 94 years old and she just watched the film brokeback mountain yeah uh this is my grandmother's review of brokeback mountain she said you know i understood it when they were up in those mountains because there you know you either have sex with a sheep or the guy next to you but what happened when they got back to the village and they had those nice wives and girlfriends what was happening there i realized my grandmother thinks homosexuality is a supply problem like guys are like oh my god i really want to have sex with a woman right now but i don't see any dudes it is i love hanging out with old people uh i don't know if you ever noticed how old people always wear bright colors it's like they have to prove they're not dead yet think about it right when you're young you wear like all black you're like i'm cool i'm mysterious i'm subtle not when you're old when you're old it's like giant pink hat neon blue shirt rainbow golf pants look at me i'm still alive you [ __ ] it's why old people it's why old people have to wear those giant sunglasses you know because otherwise they couldn't even look at each other their eyes would explode i was hanging on my dad when i was home too uh my dad is terrified of identity theft i don't know who's trying to steal his identity everything he gets in the mail he shreds i sent him a postcard he shreds it we get a letter from my uncle it's like james bond got a secret mission we have 10 seconds to read it and then it's destroyed and i swear to god my favorite is he rips the address labels off all his magazines before he throws them away do people's parents do this uh yeah i want to point something out at the point that a criminal is rifling through the magazines in front of your house the one thing he absolutely knows is your address uh i saw a great commercial when i was home too it was for this thing called the body shaper has anyone seen that it's like a worse spanx and the woman comes in she's like i feel fat they're like put on this weird girdle and she comes back out and she's like i just lost five inches um no you just hid five inches you just lost touch with reality and it's a product it's a product it doesn't even address the problem it's like i have bad skin put on a ski mask i don't like my body here's a small tree to hide behind i'm losing my hair wear a bird on your head thank you thank you uh i saw my old friends when i was home too all my friends are getting married and they're all having babies and they're all pushing their babies around in baby carriages and i got jealous so i started pushing around an empty baby carriage and when people come up to me and ask why it's empty i look confused then really worried also uh whenever i'm sitting in a bathroom stall and someone knocks i say come on in [Applause] finally uh have you guys ever gone to that website i want to get caught cheating.com i want to get caught cheating. i'm sorry facebook.com facebook.com oh my god everyone keeps getting caught cheating on facebook they say mark zuckerberg created facebook i swear to god it was just designed by a vengeful mistress it's like yeah i've been hooking up with this married guy and now it's over but like i want to destroy his entire life is there a website for that oh facebook yeah but i'm looking for something that gives me like direct access to his entire family and all his co-workers and every friend he's ever had in his life oh that's facebook yeah but like what if i got a super graphic photo of me and him doing it and i want everyone to see oh i just tagged it yeah but like what if i want to send him a message and i want everyone in his life to read it oh i just posted it on his wall yeah but like what if not everyone's looking at his facebook page oh they'll read about it in his news feed yeah but like what if they're not even signed into facebook oh they'll get an email alert about it okay yeah i'll go with facebook thank you guys so much on broadway right here in new york city february 16th we'll be right back colin jones [Music] give it up for kevin and everybody you seen before me i may seem high i'm not [Laughter] or maybe i am who would know really yeah man it's been an exciting time being exciting yeah i used to work a pyramid scheme and they used to tell us how to take note for an answer and then not take no for an answer and then keep pushing that and i'm like this is this a rape trainer what is this i need to quit this asap and i did i uh i love hip hop man i got so hyped about this show i was like i had to bump some hip-hop old-school hip-hop you know the type that comes with instructions everybody clap your hands clap your hands everybody i said you could be friends we could be your friends us but a friendship and sail away nobody hates each other what's a gun you know what i mean friendly is hell just it's a bunch of grown ass black men and jean jackets such as this platinum jean jacket how you a gangster with a white watch jean jacket just flap into a beat you mean just what's up how you doing the sun is shining it's gonna be a great day nothing rhymed it was as friendly as hell like it was so friendly like people used to introduce themselves before they even talk about the struggle you know i mean like my name is alex and i'm here to say nobody gives a [ __ ] alex that's a shitty rap name sir the hell rhymes with alex oh i was in l.a for a long time man i came back late it's cool man but it's like i don't know people in l.a look like they had multiple good days in a row you know i mean just like ah and nothing's wrong i hate that i don't like that chicago we look like what we going through you know i mean you see your friend terry he look like he missed the bill yeah dawg you ever done that like that broke lean and you got my 20 mother it's tough out here in these streets cuz it's tough we look like what we we look like our struggle and that's what i need in my life somebody leaned into me in l.a man it was like it's 55 degrees like it's chilly and i smacked it with my dick because that's disrespectful you don't disrespect me like that okay you don't know what cold is if you ever walked outside of your house and rearranged your life depending on how to win hit you you ain't been cold before okay if you walked outside like i want a divorce for no reason you're not even married you just won't change in your life but you can believe in cool 55 degrees here in chicago somebody will have booty shorts on at 55 degrees with a sweater because you never know you know what i mean we'll be out here like it's warm but that wind [ __ ] out of here 55. even even the pilot knew how cold it was he was he got an intercom he's like um thank you for choosing delta airlines it's 75 degrees here in l.a clear skies we're headed to chicago where um what the [ __ ] you blowing for cuz all that unnecessary blowing fam which is the name i mix tape cop it you know i'm done y'all ain't hearing me man i hate that hey when rappers do that y'all ain't ready like [ __ ] you don't know me i'm ready as [ __ ] i ran with thugs uh for like 14 years of my life man because i was trying to be somebody i'm not and it never fully accepted me because i spent half my life in neighborville and if if you're not from chicago naperville is like the hamptons of illinois the orange county of illinois being a thug from naperville is like being a thug care bear like like you could buy clothes or look to park but you still start every day sliding down a rainbow slide with your friends thug life we got both parents i know my daddy he right over there christmas is going to be great i smile too damn much man i smiling all the thug pictures just having a good day [ __ ] should get mad at herself i'm just saying that white people can walk up to you on the street and ask you for directions randomly your thug level's not where it needs to be okay like stick them up like hello get to harlem avenue like ah take a left hit this going which people are crazy watch your step i'm having a good day okay [ __ ] man uh my cousin's real duck six five tattoos all over the place got tattooed tearing his face he's not a killer he's just a crier like a real thug i've seen him cry one time one time we were leaving a serious towel because real [ __ ] don't call it the willis tower and um [Laughter] and so like we hit the corner you know how you hit the corner in chicago the wind catch your ass you know open street i was like oh it's cold as hell and then i looked over to my cousin and single tears just dropped guys i never seen him cry like that before i'm like cuz you crying cuz he's like if you ever tell somebody i'll choke the [ __ ] out you and then right before you pass out i let go and choke you again [Applause] and now i was like you cried like a [ __ ] ah you can't do [ __ ] to me cause you on parole man we uh every time i see my cousin man i'm trying to go back home man as soon as i walk in the door he's like oh here this spoiled [ __ ] look at them all silver spoon silver spoon num num num still i'm like wait i'm soft you got a choreographed dance fam shut up also what other color do metal spoons come in touche like shut your ass up you just learned that word today how i know it's cause christmas came around he was like merry christmas y'all touched i'm like that's not how you use that stupid but we smoke weed and we chill out you know i mean we get along my grandma passed recently and he was like uh cuz i miss grandma man you know you think you think she made it all the way to heaven i hope [ __ ] hope she didn't die get caught in traffic just what the hell going on you know she don't do good with waiting you know he was like hey cuz what's heaven like to you man like if you know you know if every if every heaven is individual what it's like to you like oh my heaven [ __ ] my head won't be like but like a great gatsby party you know what i'm saying that black people are invited to and not just the work but just for the dance sequence where we kicking it you know what i mean and all the races i've ever met in my life are just caught on the constant charleston for the rest of their life why because of your choices [ __ ] keep dancing i was like what's what's happening like to you cuz oh you ready for this like yeah dawgs why axe you too shay too shut up all right so heaven to me is like [ __ ] it's like a movie theater right with all my favorite movies you know what i mean and i could talk to the whole movie and nobody shush me like you need to aim higher touche roll another blunt dog yeah he's a fun dude i like him a lot man i don't got kids but i got nieces and nephews and they're great because you can get those [ __ ] back the time limit on them [ __ ] i'm like yeah back to your mama i'mma go smoking just be cause you can't do that when you're a parent you gotta have responsibilities i like to play tricks on my sister and buy her kids ex annoying gifts and send their ass home my sister called me one time and she was like you just gonna buy this kid a ball that makes noises for no reason hell yeah you shouldn't have sat on me when i was three click [Laughter] karma's a [ __ ] in this case that [ __ ] is the ball and i hope it never dies i bought batteries yeah yeah i was in i was in uh atlanta when they got two inches of snow and shut the whole city down i was touring and [ __ ] i was acting a fool in that airport i was like y'all don't know what code is smacking people they were like what was that i was like that's what chicago win feels like [ __ ] [ __ ] i mean i'm just acting ass i met this one lady man uh i was like hey uh tanya is it yeah we've been waiting like three and a half hours uh is there any kind of updates like anything you can possibly tell us at all thank you for choosing delta erlang this is tanya now i know some of y'all got questions i got questions too [Applause] but right now we ain't boring the plane because we can't find the captain i don't know i don't see him so i don't know [Laughter] so if you got any other questions i'm gonna need you to be like superman lifting a mustang and hold your horses thank you [Music] i don't know why everybody's so mad about these two engines shutting the whole city down [ __ ] i shut down every time i see two inches you hear me [ __ ] i still keep a contact with tanya i mean that was gangster that said they're all on the intercom that's gangster that's gangsta i gotta respect it i gotta respect it my cousin came out recently we were real proud of him you know what i mean um he he wanted to do it thanksgiving last year in mississippi where we're all from in front of 30 family members in mississippi and they called me for support and i was like yeah i'll start the car so um no but i was there for him but he texted me because he was nervous about it so he was like yo cuz i got something to tell the family ellipses and i was like cool but um why'd you spell out ellipses that's not how that works bro dot dot cause you gotta lead by example you feel me and then i followed that text i was like you gay question mark hit me with the all caps what how'd you know and i was like i've been known i thought she was trapped in the closet or kelly meme you know what i mean he was like dope meme that was awesome but no for real how'd you know like 13 years ago i got this uh picture from this girl right butt naked picture you know she was posed up like this it's a wack pose you know i don't know what she was thinking you know what i mean like it looked like she was hailing the cat butt naked in the bedroom you know i mean not understanding why one wasn't coming you know but if she was naked so i was gonna do like choose a different pose like no i was gonna keep it and just like a scumbag a pass to all my friends it got to my cousin my cousin takes one look at the picture and he's like she need to clean up her room that is not ladylike like what you looking at the wrong thing brother but he was right that girl was filthy i broke her ass that day i was like clean your room click dirty girl i need to do some chores so got that at thanksgiving right this thanksgiving all my family's there except my cousin right and uh and so i'm like i hope he don't chicken out man because he really needs to do this for himself right so uh it's a fool he's a table my cousin kicks down the dog everybody stop eating i've got something to say for as long as i could remember i've been gay eat on that everybody froze and i was [ __ ] cracking up cause i was like that cold i guess it was the [ __ ] and that pun what come on eat on that i was saying it all year for just no reason i wanted to high-five them but it wasn't the time everybody froze like my dad was sitting there froze he was cece he he sits like this because he's like the only [ __ ] with a phone clip left and then my uncle was sitting there just holding the bible just for no reason at all so my cousin looks at me and he's like i'm like yo i got you so i stood up and i was like uh everybody clap your hands every hands everybody i said he's gay we already knew his great 2014 don't be a bigot [Music] and my dad's like all right listen i already know he was gay all right but you too chris those moves was great congratulations like no [ __ ] thank you all very much [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: SNL ARCHIVE

Views: 46,047

Rating: 4.9000001 out of 5

Keywords: SNL, Late Show with David Letterman, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Fourstar Stand Ups, Broadway Comedy Club, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2015, Saturday Night Live, Pete Davidson, Colin Jost, Michael Che, Chris Redd, The King of Staten Island, Kenan, Staten Island Summer, Michael Che Matters

Id: 4xC2ARQLFF8

Length: 33min 29sec (2009 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 21 2021