GLaDOS: Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science computer-aided Enrichment Center We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one. Your specimen has been processed And we are now ready to begin the test proper Before we start, however, keep in mind that although fun and learning are the primary goals of all enrichment center activities, serious injuries may occur. For your own safety and the safety of others please refrain from-- [distorted] --stand back. The portal will open in 3 2 1 Excellent. Please proceed into the chamberlock after completing each test. First however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This Aperture Science material emancipation grill will vaporize any unauthorized Equipment that passes through it, for instance, the Aperture Science weighted storage cube. Please place the weighted storage cube on the 1500 megawatt Aperture Science heavy-duty super colliding super button. Perfect. Please move quickly to the chamberlock as the effects of prolonged exposure to the button are not part of this test. You're doing very well. Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science material emancipation grill, Which may in semi rare cases emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth. Very good. You are now in possession of the Aperture Science handheld portal device. With it, you can create your own portals. These interdimensional gates have proven to be completely safe. The device, however, has not. Do not touch the operational end of the device. Do not look directly at the operational end of the device. Do not submerge the device in liquid, even partially. Most importantly, under no circumstances should-- [static] Please proceed to the chamberlock. Mind the gap. Well done. Remember, the Aperture Science bring your daughter to work day is the perfect time to have her tested. Welcome to test chamber four. You are doing quite well. Once again, excellent work. As part of a required test protocol, We will not monitor the next test chamber. You will be entirely on your own. Good luck. As part of a required test protocol, our previous statement suggesting that we would not monitor this chamber was an outright fabrication. Good job. As part of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in three, two-- [static] While safety is one of the-- [interrupted] Unbelievable. You, [subject name here] must be the pride of [subject hometown here]. Warning devices are required on all mobile equipment. However, alarms and flashing hazard lights have been found to agitate a high-energy pellet and have therefore been disabled for your safety. Good. Now use the Aperture Science unstationary scaffold to reach the chamberlock. Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck. Very impressive. Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience. The enrichment center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. Make no attempt to solve it. Fantastic. You remain resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism. Hello again. To reiterate [slows down] our previous [speeds up] warning: [garbled speech] --momentum. Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not. Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms, Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out. The device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals at once. As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an amusing fact. The device is now more valuable than the organs and combined incomes of everyone in [subject hometown here]. [unintelligible] --fling yourself. [unintelligible] --fling into sp-- [static] Weeeeee.... Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very, very long time. If you become lightheaded from thirst, feel free to pass out. An incubation associate will be dispatched to revive you with peptic salve and adrenaline. As part of a previously-mentioned required test protocol, we can no longer lie to you. When the testing is over, you will be missed. All subjects intending to handle high-energy gamma leaking portal technology must be informed that they may be informed of applicable regulatory compliance issues. No further compliance information is required or will be provided, and you are an excellent test subject. Very very good. A complimentary victory lift has been activated in the main chamber. The enrichment center is committed to the well-being of all participants. Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. Thank you for helping us help you help us all. Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science self-esteem fund for girls? It's true! Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the appropriate chamber for this testing sequence is currently unavailable. It has been replaced with a live fire course designed for military androids. The enrichment center apologizes for the inconvenience and wishes you the best of luck. Turret: Please put me down. GLaDOS: Well done, Android. The enrichment center once again reminds you that Android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance. The vital apparatus vent will deliver a weighted companion cube in three, two, one. This weighted companion cube will accompany you through the test chamber. Please take care of it. The symptoms most commonly produced by enrichment center testing are superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. The enrichment center reminds you that the weighted companion cube will never threaten to stab you, and in fact, cannot speak. The enrichment center reminds you that the weighted companion cube cannot speak. In the event that the weighted companion cube does speak, the enrichment center urges you to disregard its advice. You did it. The weighted companion cube certainly brought you good luck. However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and unfortunately must euthanized. Please escort your companion cube to the Aperture Science-- [interrupted] You euthanized your faithful companion cube more quickly than any test subject on record. Congratulations. The experiment is nearing its conclusion. The enrichment center is required to remind you that you will be baked and then there will be cake. Well done. Be advised that the next test requires exposure to uninsulated electrical parts that may be dangerous under certain conditions. For more information, please attend an enrichment center electrical safety seminar. Welcome to the final test. When you are done, You will drop the device in the equipment recovery annex. Enrichment Center regulations require both hands to be empty before any cake. To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, do not destroy vital testing apparatus. Congratulations.The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye. What are you doing? Stop it. [unintelligible] --We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. We are very, very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, and lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the party escort submission position, or you will miss the party. [distant] What are you doing? You haven't escaped, you know. You're not even going the right way. Hello? Is anyone there? Okay, the test is over now. You win. Go back to the recovery annex for your cake. It was a fun test and we're all impressed at how much you won. The test is over. Come back. [distant] Uh-oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they cut it anyway. [echoing] There is still some left, though, if you hurry back. [distant] You're not even going the right way. Where do you think you're going? Because, I don't think you're going where you think you're going. Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit, and I said, "Goodbye", and you were like, "NO WAY", and then I was all, "We pretended we were going to murder you"? That was great. Is anyone there? You really shouldn't be here. This isn't safe for you. [distant] It's not too late for you to turn back. I'm not angry. Just go back to the testing area. You should have turned left before. It's funny, actually, when you think about it. Someday we'll remember this and laugh. And laugh. And laugh. Oh boy. Well, you may as well come on back. You're not a good person. You know that, right? Good people don't end up here. Can you hear me? This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this. I'm not kidding now. Turn back, or I WILL kill you. I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone. You don't even care, do you? This is your last chance. Well you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, The only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to happen. You chose this path. Now I have a surprise for you. Deploying surprise in five, four... Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise. I've never seen it before. Never mind. It's a mystery I'll solve later. By myself. Because you'll be dead. Where are you taking that thing? --kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science thing-we-don't-know-what-it-does into an aperture science emergency intelligence incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that-- Woah. Woah. Wooaaaahhh. [lower, less robotic] Good news. I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters. ...That core may have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defenses. Oh well. If you want my advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket. [speed changing] Trust me, it'll be a lot less painful than the neurotoxin. [normal speed] All right. Keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing. Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. The rocket really is the way to go. Curiosity core: What is that? Ooh, that thing has numbers on it. Hey, look at that thing! GLaDOS: That thing you burnt up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Curiosity core: Is something burning? [screams] GLaDOS: You think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is... [quiet] Ten. IN BASE FOUR. I'M FINE! I let you survive this long because I was curious about your behavior. [speed changing] Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me. [normal speed] Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to now, I can't get the neurotoxin into your head any faster. I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party, that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the companion cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikable you-- [Intelligence core screaming] Neurotoxin... [coughing] So deadly... [coughing] C-choking... [distorted laughter] [distorted] Kidding. When I said "deadly neurotoxin," the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff, put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly it's not deadly at all. To me. You-- [distorted speech] --going to find its deadliness a lot less funny. Who's going to make the cake when I'm gone? You?? Look. You're wasting your time. And believe me, you don't have a lot left to waste. What's your point anyway? Survival? Well then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me. I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up in case something terrible happens to you. Which it's just about to. Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on: "Hellooo!" GLaDOS: THAT'S YOU. That's how dumb you sound. You've been wrong about every single thing you-- [distorted] [Anger core screaming] [speed distorted] You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong? [sped up] Are you trying to escape? [distorted laughter] [sped up dialogue] [offscreen robotic voice] Thank you for assuming the party escort submission position.
