Patrick-January 2023

Look Who's Back are we on yes we're on how are you Patrick I'm doing well Mark yes you are you look different you sound different everything's different about you thank God um I was thinking uh it's been almost exactly two years since our first interview you were a different person that first interview yeah I mean I think like the first one was the one right um that was the craziest one right or the second craziest one well I don't know if that was the craziest one yeah you gotta look crazy that was like the first week and then I think we we chronicled that right up to like the end of the second one more than anyone I've interviewed you laid it all out I mean you aired your dirty laundry for everyone to see yeah that's interesting maybe we can start talking like um I still remember like being out there right right out here before that and um like wondering if this was even real you know because it seems like we were out there for a while and I was with people that were you know getting high when that had no money and literally it was like because this was not your typical stomping grounds it was more Figueroa Street no I mean I've been around here plenty too um but just the fact that yeah you're gonna go in here and do this interview and then the fact that you the fact that you knew who I was and that you wanted me to come to the interview I was still thinking that maybe the people are you aware of my channel I had I hadn't discovered it that very morning okay with Amber with a girl you know a girl that I was hanging out with that you had interviewed her and uh and she's like you want you want to do an interview today and I was like yeah whatever and then I wound up here you know because she told me to be here at a certain time and still I was thinking maybe she was just trying to scam me no Edwards brought me a lot of great people yeah Amber's a great friend so I know that you know um but at that time I was out of my mind and uh but but the part that the reason why I bring it up is I remember coming in here and just something inside me saying screw it like just do it you know and uh you mentioned I don't know like if there was something of a cry for helping that I think I I remember we talked about during that first one uh that uh let's get wrong um the idea that people would maybe stay sober after talking about it like that I don't know the whole thing is just you know it was it maybe kind of it it I think overall it's affected me in a good way you know like I discovered for the first time in my life um that like people still love me a lot of people love me even more knowing everything you know that's the one thing I've seen yeah you know Common Sense would tell you to not go public with all this humiliating embarrassing crap you've gotten into right but what I've learned is when somebody airs all their embarrassing stuff that they have gotten into that the reaction from the viewers from the world is that this person needs our help or deserves our compassion yeah rather than if you're hiding it you can kind of sense that right you don't know necessarily what they're hiding yeah you don't know what they're hiding and you don't know who they are you know and and you can sense that they're not divulging everything and I think addiction more than anything or you know I think if in in with addiction the disease of addiction like that brutal honesty is you know like crucial to overcoming and so like accepting myself as you know like I have this thing you know I'm an addict um and that's it like take it or leave it and it was like the beginning of like the end and I don't know if it's ever the end end because it always sort of like the ego always rebuilds and there's always going to be a sense of like uh caring what people think but it's so so much less than it was before um where I was trying to be two people you know and I was trying to pretend like I was just like a normal person and I would never want certain people in certain areas of my life like work for example to know um so yeah and but then it also there was a period of time where I mean I know that part of part of my deal and I think it's I'm probably not the only one that's that's you know in addiction or recovery or whatever um part of addiction I think is I have a brain that uh is very susceptible to believing delusional untrue things right like that's part of the deal you know like like the disease is in my brain um and part of my particular delusion when it comes to like this experience you know because I did all those videos and then there was then they were they were popular and there was a ton of comments and uh I was thinking for a while there like especially when I remember when I went to the east coast for a few months I was thinking like oh you know like God put this whole thing together and I'm going to be like famous I'm going to be like famous as like through this and make money and and save the world right like I was thinking that I was even thinking oh my gosh like uh you know we I had the idea in my head that maybe I would like get a car or something and like drive back across the country from from Boston stopping at places along the way where fans would be and like and do my own YouTube channel and uh yeah I don't know man um we all get caught up in that little thought that was it was yeah that was weird you know it's just like weird if I think about some of the stuff I would think um yeah but anyway it's been a while now you know I think the last time I was here was uh over a year ago I get a lot of emails yeah what's going on with Patrick yeah yeah there's a there's a there's a Reddit uh thread out there you know about that there's a there's a soft white underbelly Reddit thread okay I can imagine what's on there yeah actually it's that's all right a lot of different topics and uh and then so when I just so so you know I did make some friends like I did I did like meet people through this like not too many a handful and uh most of them I think only one person I've met through this that I actually met in person but a few others that I uh were am friends with I'd say like through text and uh or email or whatever and uh one of them um reached out to me and she was really happy when I responded because there was a the rumor that I was dead on the Reddit or somewhere in the comments or something and she's the one that told me about this Reddit thing and so I went to it and that was fascinating it's like I like went through the whole thing looking for me you know and there's a couple there's a couple little little not they weren't too extensive but topics that were like about me specifically and then I was dead and then I responded to a couple of them and you know when you respond uh people be like I don't believe it's you all right like since I've been so I'm sober obviously um I've been sober for a little over nine months right now how'd you do it um through yeah yeah so I'm in a 12-step program that's like the foundation of my life um but I've been in 12-step program you know for years um it got really bad you know I was here in September of what year are we 22 now 21 I think I was playing in a golf tournament the day after that and uh we didn't qualify it was a qualifier and I remember like on the 11th T we were playing terrible and I said because I already I always had it in my head I don't know if I came out and said it like totally honestly but I was gonna get high again for sure that was the plan and uh I think you said that didn't know when I had you know I was like sort of like trying to stockpile free time and set it up you know but then when because if we qualify for that tournament then the tournament itself which we had won in the past so it's it mattered to me it was going to be like three or four weeks later and so I think I had it in my head like not like you can plan these things out really but to my own to the best of my planning at that time to maybe get high after the tournament but then when we weren't going to qualify I would seemed like for sure we weren't I decided I'm doing it tonight you know I'm doing it tonight on the 11th T and then we go on a run and like play really good and get to the like the 18th hole of where we're right on the edge of qualifying right on the edge and we didn't and so then I went and I I went on another you know I got high some more so you were playing after getting high no no we we didn't qualify for the tournament so the golf thing was was done and then you did and that night you know I I got high for I can't remember the details of that uh the one thing I do remember about coming back out here and getting high again um was I I ran into the guy who jumped me remember the guy who jumped yeah you know you got wrong I don't know if I should say his name on here it's not his real name probably no it's not yeah but uh yeah so like I I came in here and did an interview right after getting jumped over here right actually just drove by to hear the show my friend that came to me um so now I'm down here again you know right over here for however long a few days and uh I was interacting with people that are in the circle of that same guy and he next thing you know he's like I think I was in someone's tent or whatever one of the bigger one like it's like a and uh he was there and we sort of we realized I think I'm sure he knew it was me and but it was beautiful because he like apologized and I like forgave him and we were cool that's great you know and uh I could it was meaningful to me and I I don't think he was I don't think he was bsing me like it was meaningful to both of us he felt bad you know well he's just trying to survive exactly I from right right from after that like you were a Target yeah I get it like you almost have to do that you know if I I would sure I would have done the same thing if I could well you know and so I we so we were able to do that we were able to like shake hands and and be friends to whatever extent you know and that was cool and things like that are are pretty cool um anyhow I sobered up for not very long at all um like in November October November the last of that year and then uh went back to work after being off for like 10 months you're still at the same job I am after all this time but a great boss you've got build that job yeah like it's it's a blessing and um I know there's been a lot of comments about like how could that how could uh how could I still have that job and I don't disagree you know uh I don't deserve it um you know and and I I don't know for a fact I mean I do know for a fact in some cases but I'm just under I just assume that everybody there knows about this now like they've all seen the videos now it gets around and I've talked to people directly about it and uh and I'm cool with that too like that's probably good you know but I did uh relapse again one more time after going back to work um and it was the worst one of all like like as far as like I was just so I don't know how close I was to actually dying but that's I really wanted to like more than ever now there's a lot of crack addicts that are done I really wanted you know I did have that fentanyl overdose you know that we've already talked about here um but like January February and into the beginning of March um you know I at this time you know I I had you know I lost my apartment in the beginning of you know like that first couple months where we were doing the videos that's where I lost my apartment so I didn't have an apartment ever since way back then so I didn't really even have a place to live you know went back East came back here I was like standing with my mom and I moved into a sober living house I was living in a sober living house when I had that final relapse and uh so you get kicked out there those aren't it's not like my apartment that's just sitting empty I'm having a sober house and I don't come home and then you know they box up all your stuff and that's it so I didn't have a place to live you know and I'm I'm uh you know I got a storage unit you know I remember um like having a bunch of boxes in my car and I'm on the streets in Pomona um just so done you know didn't care about anything I was uh you know doing crack and meth and uh started discovered angel dust PCP uh which is just like that's a whole nother thing I I didn't do that much but at the very end I was doing that it just puts you completely the way it's like it's like you're it's like your brain it's almost like I feel like my brain is turning into liquid and like draining out you know just I thought it was I thought I was dying like it was you just have these uh just hallucinations and just hope to die you know I I was a I remember I was in Pomona and the one thing about it too and this has always been true about my using is that I never wanted to I never want to go to sleep like I never want you know like maybe it's been four days and I'm so tired it's like give me some let me find some drugs so that I could stay awake because I think I don't want to because it's like fantasy right it's like my life I'm I'm a death wish you know suicidal sort of State but I'm numb and it's fantasy and it's not real and once I sleep and wake up then it's then it really the reality of it hits me I think um you know my girlfriend found me like laying unconscious on the sidewalk in Pomona one day you know and I vaguely remember you know you know she's little you know trying to like Lift Me Up get me into her car so that's kind of like how I was living you know in March you know and I think I hit you up for money you know a couple times there you like left with 20 bucks whatever anything uh so I could keep it going um I was crazy man and somehow I wound up in rehab I have a lot of people who love me grateful for that a lot of that um came from you know like the majority of my friends really other than family uh is from the program so from going to meetings for how all those years I very a bunch of very close friends and one of my one of my closest friends an older guy named Steve he's like family to me um and he he has he has the attitude that a lot of people have the attitude that I hope to have and continue to have which is I'll do anything to help you unconditional I don't care how many times you I don't know how many times you blow it and uh is that what's required with a drug addict who's just repeatedly self-destructing to have just an unlimited amount of forgiveness and understanding and patience um because a lot of families are just like enough of this I don't know that it's tough love well not from the family necessarily no I don't I don't think this is my opinion here so not that I not that this is for sure true I don't know that that's required but I I do believe that that's available maybe not from the family you know like I do have that for my family which I'm really grateful for um but people in the program like like I will hope and I like that's how I feel right now that if I'm helping someone like someone that's in that position that I will always be like that with whoever and I've found that the people in the program like my friend Steve that I'm mentioning here or there's a lot of people like this like Flavio came with me today um that they will be like that towards me because that's part of my recovery like the people that have been there and and gotten clean themselves we understand how could I ever um you know like tell somebody okay enough's enough I'm not going to help you anymore you know like like that unconditional love and stuff is that is part of the deal that is part of the uh of the recovery Community is that we we could we we always believe you know like I like if I can get it you know and not that I've arrived you know I'm still in the beginning but if any some of us that have been some of our stories are so crazy and if if any of us can get it all of us can anybody can get it you know but what happened with me is I wound up on Steve's couch because like that was part of uh that's part of his relationship and his his approach is like you know you could stay on my couch and uh you know like what I should have been doing was like trying to get into a program right you could always try to get into a program like anybody can I think try to get into a program somehow but I was literally so out of it and so just like depressed and physically hammered and tired that what I wound up doing was not that what I wound up doing was like laying on Steve's couch and and like when he asked me is it cool if I call programs for you saying yes right and so he did and he wound up dropping me off at one um and uh it was like this is residential little rehab and um I remember I was there and I had gone back to work and then I had missed like I don't know a few weeks now of work but I but I you know I had vacation time or whatever like I was still getting paychecks every two weeks you know I would always get paychecks every two weeks for a few Cycles or a couple Cycles I remember I was at that place and then payday came right because that's the thing like like I'm what I'm using it's like I spent all the money you know when I get more money that's what I do with it and so I remember I was at that place when more money came and I remember like I lasted like about a day before I told them the truth you know like hey I'm leaving you know and there's there's this girl working there she's real I stay in touch with her she's a great like she I she had a really good sort of style of helping people and um she was the one there as I was packing up my stuff and we both knew what I was doing I was straightforward with her and she got it she understood you know and I got an Uber and ubered back down to Pomona and got high you know for a couple more days and then when I'm going back into that place and uh and but then my time there ran out and then they transferred me to another program that had a sober living house sort of like relationships that I I had a bed in a sober living house and a spot in a rehab program on the other side of town out by LAX and uh so depressed all I wanted to do was sleep so I remember sleeping in the car the whole way there going through the check-in like this isn't gonna work you know go going into this this house and uh it was the two it it was two weeks later because it like occurred to me oh I'm getting paid tonight you know I think it was gonna be the last money that was going to come in and I'm over in Westchester um which is like you know where that is right so it's like by the airport it's like a it's kind of easy to get from Westchester to South Central oh yeah without a car you know there's like there's like boulevards that run right there it's already like okay here's what I'm doing like uh I gotta just wake up at like two in the morning or whatever and just go go to an ATM and go and that was my plan um but this house they they uh they sort of forced us all to go to a 12-step meeting that night you know so okay whatever right it's walking distance I walk down the street and uh I sit through this meeting and I've been in hundreds if not thousands of meetings so I you know I know the drill um that didn't look good I think I probably had like 10 days sober at that time just physically physically sober which I was trying to sleep away you know and they have a thing at some of these meetings where they all ask like does anybody call it burning desire like does anybody does anybody feel like if like like they really want to get you know drink or use or hurt themselves like now's the time to talk about it and I thought like well yeah I was thinking of myself I do and I'm gonna like why not why not do the thing like why not say it like this is the time for that I've never done that before because I never felt like I I never felt like that I'd never been in a meeting where they asked that question and felt like the answer was yes so I raised my hand and I I talked about it you know I told them yeah you know it was like all I wanted you know like this sucks all I want to do is get high you know and that's what my plan is to do tonight and um you know what I really wished I had and I'd mention this to them is I wished that I had the desire to be clean but I didn't you know like that would have been nice anyway I said that and it was sort of like people still remember that to this day like I still go to that same meeting like every like I literally haven't missed a week but that night you know I literally had been living in this house for like three hours so I hadn't even slept there for one night yet when that first night happened and and I walked back to the house and that was sort of like an icebreaker moment for some of the dudes that were there that I didn't know at all and and uh I went to sleep and like forgot to wake up I guess or slept through the night and I woke up in the morning and I had something of a desire to be sober that next morning um but I so this is my long I I realize I answered questions in a really long-winded way like you asked how did how did you do it and uh I don't really feel like I did it you know um like I didn't really I don't think it's I don't think it's possible for me to create my own surrender like I woke up the next morning feeling different I can't really take credit for that um but I also was in a position in my life that now at that point where I was grateful not to like be compelled to go get high but I had nothing going for me like like in a traditional sense you know like it was I had I had been so destroyed by this thing now I didn't really care anymore um in a in a deeper way than I had ever felt before I had nothing left to hold on to um you know when people when a lot of guys come into programs or get sober it's like they want we because I'm in the same boat we want like the things of life to build back up as quick as possible like get on get my own place get a girl get a car you know what I mean get back in uh and I had already like experienced getting those things back and and uh I didn't care about that sort of stuff uh I didn't know if I had a job anymore and I didn't really care about that either um and that's the truth like uh one thing I one thing I discovered or I know that I believe is that if I'm sober it doesn't matter if I have that job or any specific particular job because if I don't I'll just get another one and if I'm getting high then it doesn't matter like I'm not gonna you know I'm Gonna Keep it yeah so the job so that doesn't matter so anyway I was in this I was sort of in this state and in the beginning it was really like really clear to me that uh it was almost like I it was almost like I was in Extra Innings like I was in a really good peaceful mood you know and I would I would uh I was living in a house with a bunch of younger guys a lot of guys that were you know struggling with even like a lot of guys that probably didn't even want to be sober at all and I understood that you know like I'm like the I'm like the old man now you know when I started trying to get sober and going to rehabs when I was in my early 20s now I'm in my 40s I've been I've had so many of these experiences and so I had a really good experience there with those guys sort of being like a big brother or an uncle you know I did a lot of dishes and uh helping those guys out but I would just like get up in the morning and like get in the van and go to rehab and then come back and it's like I didn't learn anything new at rehab I've been there you know but just my attitude got better and better and as I was trying to help other people and just go with it and uh and then I come home at night and I go to one of the meetings and um I would go to the same meetings every week which I still do to this day and you know I it's just it's like simple formula like anyone that's really made any sort of an effort to get sober in 12-step sort of environment you know knows it knows what they tell you to do go to meetings get commitments you know get like be of service at the meetings volunteer to do stuff against what they call sponsor they go through the and actually go through and do the 12 steps um helping others seems to be a huge component in this Alabama is probably the most important thing right um honesty is helpful yeah yeah and the self-worth you'll need is important yeah my honesty you know and people like if like if they find out about these videos and that just kind of gives I mean like I I guess I in like the rehab world or especially like in the hardcore drug world like of the of the dudes and like there's like a there's like a certain level of like respect and people at first see me like there's a couple guys at this at this particular program I'm good friends with a few people that I went through there with cool cool people but different backgrounds a lot of like sort of harder core upbringings game you know gang type stuff like like hardcore dudes right that got caught up in drugs and and more than one person has told me like when they first see me they figure oh I'm not gonna talk to that guy that guy's like a he's probably like an alcoholic uh you know that got caught at work at his corporate job and then they hear my story or if they happen to watch Like the First video then they're like oh wow you're the real deal and there's like a there's like a level of connection you know like a level of like sort of this guy gets it respect like we could talk about like we could talk about like hookers and crack and meth and heroin you know uh so that's you're like I'm proud of it but um so I don't know what to say other than that like I was brought to a place of surrender the deeper than ever different than ever right and and uh like I had like you know what did that uh drugs and alcohol did that not not me and at that place of surrender uh I believe that I was able to find a connection with like a spiritual connection with God or however you want to word it um like I've been able so far to do a somewhat good job of maintaining that I don't think I don't believe that we can create it but I believe that once it comes that we there's things that we can do to maintain it uh and that and at the host the 12-step program is like tailor-made for that and there's a lot of there's there's some sort of personal work involved in going through that process of of kind of like doing some writing and listing you know um like resentments and like pretty much like opening up your whole self you know seeing some of the ways you tick but then continuing to go continue to be of service and continuing to know that like I have a brain that has proven for Reuben that it always goes back to the first crack hit like I've never I've never ended I'm never getting myself into the position where like I can trust my brain right and that's that's been a particularly difficult thing for me because in a lot of other areas of life like trusting my brain has proven to be like the way to solve problems applying that to this has literally made it last 20 years and get worse and worse and worse you know for this problem like to the best of my ability what I need to do is is try to put myself in a in like a a position of openness to outside help spiritual help to the direction from others direction from others that I probably wouldn't want to take directions for in a lot of areas you know but just like doing that uh and like I haven't had the desire to get high you know I have not had the desire to get high one time in the last nine months which that's that's what I need I don't like I don't like there's no way of describing to you what that feels like you know I can't I don't think I can I don't think I can go through life like with some like method of resisting if that comes that Obsession what I need is for it not to come and my experience and what I believe is happening is that like like the surrender thing that happened to me and then like continuing to stay in it like I've like like I'm doing it has a something about that it's kind of it's I don't know exactly how it works but something about that keeps it away keeps the obsession away um and your self-worth increases as you do it yeah oh for sure and protects you from falling back into it yeah like uh and and then being able to just to be myself to be honest like I'm not perfect like I do a bunch of stuff you know but but I pretty much always honest about it you know and uh I remember when uh remember when I came in here a couple times I think I did a couple videos like physically sober but not you know not yeah you were not recovering or not really recovering and it was really hard like there was a big fear of being honest you know like the like the crack and being high is like a like truth serum yeah like screw it yeah here we go um but then coming in here without that it was hard you know like I was I was afraid uh but I do not feel afraid right now you know what I mean like it's it's peaceful it's it's sweet so it's wonderful yeah and I stayed in that area so like I uh I was I had such a good experience and I was plugged into that that Fellowship that particular local Fellowship there um that when my time at that program was up because I had Insurance you know um I saw some come out yeah sometimes it's like I see comments and I wanted to defend myself against them but like one of them was like like oh this guy's parents paid for so many rehabs my parents haven't paid any money for me for any of the rehabs I went to but I had Insurance in it and then they they pretty much dictate when the program's over and at that point I uh I was able to stay in that area like I was able to get a little Studio literally a five minute walk from that that sort of living house in Westchester I still live there today although I need to move out that's total sidebar thing the landlord needs to remodel it but um and so I'm still going to in that same sort of routine you know same sort of routine uh yeah yeah what's the most important lesson you've learned um that's a good question I usually don't know what's best for me and same sort of idea from another angle what I often what I think is best for me Isn't and God's real man just went out of given up hope I got another chance to be alive and it was different you know right around my birthday my birthday's in February so last year February would have been towards the tail end of that last using spell where it was like mentally and emotionally was like by far the Bottom by far and I was in a hotel room I didn't have a place to live you know and I hadn't really seen anybody I was just there by myself just wanting to either like take another crackhead somehow or die I remember my dad found out where I was and came and I love my dad man he's like probably my best friend like I love him he loves me too but he basically came there and in a way I don't know that doesn't sound morbid or weird but I understood what he meant does he like gave me permission to die he came in there and he told me he understands you know like it must be so awful to deal with this and I was like yeah that was sort of like the way I looked at dying was like a total relief from this life and uh you know I would I would tell him I'll tell him I wouldn't really tell anybody else this like this sort of thing but like like you know when I die and everyone's really sad and I know you're going to be sad I'm sorry but I want you to realize and be happy for me you know and he understood that something with my relationship with him and but he came in there and told me like he's like you know you kill yourself or whatever it's like I I get it you know um so it was kind of a deep moment and my response to that although I heard it and I remember it now it just comes to mind but my immediate response for that that deep father-son moment was to ask him for 20 bucks so that I could get some more crack you know which he didn't give me yeah it's so hard for the families yeah yeah um so yeah like uh gotta stay humble gotta do my best to stay honest I still do believe that this experience with you and this whole thing um that like I discovered or we discovered the the power of brutal of brutal honesty in that again there's some sort of like like uh lesson or something that others can can get from this um or that that that we can use when we try to help people that are that are that are getting sober themselves is to encourage that Honesty the full-on 100 here's everything kind of honesty that helps like there's a power in that it takes a load off your shoulders right there's great power on that there's great connection in that and and acceptance you know of you know this is me like I'm capable of some of the most like I used to I always used to have like flashbacks of like some of those things I did you know I would really be so disgusted with myself especially with the uh like abdicating all responsibility for self-support like here I have it doesn't matter how much money it is you know like I'm a I'm a grown-up in America that and part of the deal being a group in America is you support yourself right you have a place to live and and especially if you have I I don't happen to have kids or anything and to take that and then just go and like spend all the money on drugs and hookers and and that crap and get myself to the point where I have nothing and then I would get sober again and maybe like I somehow I think of this at work like I picture myself at work and then remembering that and just being like wincing like um and no not anymore you know like part of the acceptance like that's that's what we're dealing with that's what we're dealing with and so that helps me to continue to to the best of my ability I have good days and bad days as far as you know being like humble and thinking of others ahead of myself you know um I recently got somebody asked me to sponsor them in a 12-step program which I mean I'm at the beginning stage of like that part um so that and then like another thing um I recently got engaged yeah and so um like the other day congratulations thanks um you know I've had a there's been this my girl all these years like the whole time you know that I've been here in fact this week is funny like this week's like two years since the first you know seven years since I met Nancy and uh we dated in the beginning and then we sort of broke up and we she always stayed in my life and we always were friends she always loved me you know and she was always there especially when I was at my worst at your worst shoes always she was there always she was there and I kept on thinking I didn't want that you know and everyone that I know all the people that are closest to me have been telling me for years like marry her like she's the best and uh I don't know what was wrong with me like I like when I say I don't always know what's best for me like that is a um it's not just you a lot of people do this she's off she's perfect like uh I told her I was going to talk about her um you know I told her I talked to her this morning and I said should I invite everybody to the wedding you know like all the all the people and she said no you can't afford it it'd be funny uh but um there was a moment where I realized that I'm in love with Nancy or how much I love her um I don't know why it happened the way it did but it was back last year in between like around like the after the time I did that last video here and I was back and forth living that like staying with my mom and Havasu and there was this one you know there was a couple times where I was in lake house here Arizona and I with the itch to get high and so I took off you know cruising around Lake Havasu looking for crack which is you can't find it it's not there but there was one time where I did a bunch of meth with the people there so I did so much uh that I came back to my mother's and couldn't sleep for like two days I was just awake and I was always in touch with Nancy and and uh anyway there was this one conversation phone conversation we had where we we literally I'm not very it's not like I just you know when you meet a girl sometimes you'll have these Marathon phone conversations like I've already known her for five years right and we had a we had a conversation that was literally longer than eight hours on the phone like like you know how the phone has a timer oh where we just told each other everything and I loved her so much after that I don't know what I don't know what it was about that or how my eyes were open there um and uh everyone loves Nancy she's just she's stuck by you through the toughest points of your life he's like my angel um she loves me She Believes In Me you know she always has had like a no judgment type of attitude towards the towards the drug thing um it's been hard for her like I put her through it I mean she's she's seen the more than any person that doesn't get high themselves she's seen way more she's seen me doing all the things I do when I'm out there um and then like I feel like our relationship has really gotten um even better recently like since the summer for you know like in these last months and like when I'm around her like we just it's great you know we like we enjoy the same things we never judge you when you were making your big mistakes no no no not at all she just wanted she just wanted me to be okay you know she knows all of it sex stuff all of it you know and she kind of understand I mean to as far as someone that isn't an addict himself can understand she understands but it's like um it's like she sees me uh like for like what the what I what I could be if I was good you know like she sees it's like she sees me for what I would be without the drugs and alcohol like if only the good part of me was expressing itself um that's love yeah you know and when and we're not getting any younger we're both in our 40s and uh you know I was able to do it like I've never done this before uh like I got a ring and asked a girl to marry me and she said yes and now we're super excited I'm even more excited like it's beautiful and uh but anyway like so with with her with that happening and that's very recent that was on Christmas and then with my buddy that asked me to sponsor him in the program um those two things are helping me right now currently like this week uh to not be okay with being as selfish as I still am you know because I tend to like I tend to see like I've always my one of the things one of the delusions my my brain believes uh historically is that like going and getting high is like Freedom like that's Freedom you know it's like I could do whatever I want let's go uh women just when it's the most enslaving thing that a person can do I might but I also like have these ways of thinking like well now I'm free from that and so now I can now I can like quote unquote do whatever I want and I'm like do whatever I want often looks pretty selfish you know like no they're not they're not all unhealthy things but some of them are you know I'm obsessed with playing poker I play poker all the time uh almost like obsessive type of person golf or whatever but you know now I have now I have a fiance you know and uh hopefully we have kids you know and and I haven't like a dude that's like counting on me to help him in the program and so these are motivating me to be less selfish and to be more living my life for others which is good because I think that's that enhances like what it takes you know to stay to stay humble and sober so beautiful story do you think people are gonna like this as much as the other ones I think this will probably be your second most popular one okay I love that first one for all the wrong reasons it's good to see you mark I'm proud of you good luck from here all right Mark thanks

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 315,381

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: -_uMpFznKT4

Length: 44min 35sec (2675 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 09 2023