Crack Addict interview-Zenobia

H 777 I didn't smoke so much crack um I was born in 77 so makes me like 46 right damn when did you start smoking crack when I was 15 who who introduced you to crack cocaine a man for um extracurricular activities so maybe this a party on it get high have sex party move around it was a little bit different back then it was real cocaine was it better man you we used to smoke out a gerber jar with a matches you used to take all the matches off the book and You' set them up two by two by two Gerber jar with a little straw and um man this get so [ __ ] like High high so high that um I think I stayed in a room for like two days tweaking this this cocaine we got now is kind of like a tweak drug get up and move around tweak Pop Lock And [ __ ] around and but yeah back then it was U it was mindblowing I got stuck have you been using ever since then yes wow um I've been in prison behind crack I didn't raise my kids behind crack um like crack has been my life my parents have always understood but like I often ask myself like why I put crack before everything like it's I wake up with my pipe in my hand my lighter like I fall out like this and soon as I open my eyes oh my god do I have to do I have a pipe do I and I sit up and I take a hit start the monster all back over again and pardon me I don't want to quit I'm old now my kids are raised they're grown who ra your kids my mom your mom my dad if they hadn't raise them I don't know where they would be you know I what's the most humiliating thing you've done to get your get your crack help somebody for ransom um oh man for $100,000 that I never thought I would ever do like I was so crack oh man I look like a wolf did you get the money yes and no we got the money but we got I got a prison sentence the DEA took me down like I'll never forget that it was all over the news and um I was just feing like that's not in your natural personality no to do that kind of stuff no the drugs are would drive it man my my addiction is a beast like you know somebody can smoke a 20 or 40 a day smoke 700 800 ,000 a day like I have to take a hit like every 10 minutes and you smoke too much of course I put tens and 20s on the pipe um it's not about common sense is it no it's not about like oh this is bad for me I should stop it's listen it is it is but my logic tells me like this is fun this is it and you're going to do whatever it takes to get more yes whatever it takes whatever whatever I've died off of fit and all I wanted some crack that day so bad I begged this boy for some crack and for some reason I never pray over my drugs but I prayed over that crack rock I said Lord you know please you know make sure there's no F Hall and as soon as I hit it I told him call 911 that's fit and all that's all I remember fractured how many times have you OD like that just once at the police station with a handful of crack rocks and they even packed my bong in my bra when I got to the hospital the doctor was like what is this I was like oh let me have that I left the hospital and I didn't even go home I came right back downtown looking for some more crack it was um I I guess I was passed out for 12 minutes they said they fractured my sternum trying to revive me um and I was out here bent over I couldn't even walk still hustling to get crack more crack I'd be crying for crack it's sad but listen it becomes your top priority right it is my top priority it's at the top of my list every day more than your kids more than your I haven't talked to my daughter in years my son um my none of my kids do drugs and they know about my addiction my son tries to talk to me you know tell me you know Mom if you die out here nobody cares but me you know you got to get clean if you want to be around your grandkids you think I went to a program or I've stopped no still pulling like a locomotive I love I love that feeling of getting high I love that numbness and it still it still goes on after all these years oh yes I make sure I smoke out of bong I make big old I'm not even a crackhead I'm a free baser like I really get high up for weeks you don't you don't sleep right uhuh smoking how how many days do you go without sleep maybe 10 10 days with no sleep delusional my feet reflect how much like I really tell me about cavy feet man I don't know cuz I can't feel him I smoke too much crack but if you look cavy feet is when you've been up for days yes but if you look at them they look like they hurt big old rips in them look like I've been on the see people tiptoeing around skid Ro that's that's why I got these Wiis on right now because my feet hurt my feet hurt so bad they won't even fit in the shoe but that's all right I'm still G to move around my feet look like I've been on the freeway with um Fred and Barney you know how they use their feet for braks and it doesn't matter they'll be hurting and I'll still find a way catch a bus jump on a scooter get in a wagon somebody pull me get in a shopping C where do you stay are you in a tent no uh I stay in Lynwood but listen I don't want to be there I've been in this house for three years but they always ask me why you don't want to be at home because there's no [ __ ] crack there you'd rather be here yep L I said I have a house very nice house you'd be happy I'm happy here staying right here in a tent or whatever not even a tent I just sit on the curb and smoke watch the police go by smoke at the police station what are you doing nothing nothing if you get out my way I'm about to get high yep I sit right at the police station right there on that wall safest place to get high safest place skid Rose in addicts Paradise man the cops won't even bother you listen they they let you get high they don't care about no [ __ ] pipes the fetty heads they would need they would need 20 not 20 they need 200 school buses full of no you need you need about 500 school buses people some people don't even want to move out of downtown the drugs are accessible you could you don't have to buy food um they're going to feed you every day you can go to the missions you get free clothes um the people come down and feed give you money tell you believe in Jesus might be a $10 bill in there man passes out Bibles there $50 $100 bills do you think that I'm going to take that $50 or that $100 bill home no straight to the crack man I was just telling him he was like what are you going to do with your money I was like I'm going to go buy a and smoke to Oblivion all day today and there's there's all kinds of programs here for people to get clean but nobody seems to be going for it there's programs to get clean down here yeah where at the missions oh you know let me tell you I didn't know that I thought those were just for the homeless people we all know that those places are not for nobody to get clean how are you going to put a drug addict in a high drug area where drugs are so accessible they let you smoke them all day long and you're going to get clean right here you can get on the other side of that wall you can get what you want not even other side of wall you can send somebody out to go get it simple simple this is not the place to get clean you're going to relapse that's why half these people are on the streets they came down here with good jobs even work for um skid Road housing and Trust Housing Authority they're down there pushing pipes now I matter of fact I was just smoking with a case manager from the wiu I say you're a case manager just by being down here you'd becomeing ad it's in the air there's so much drugs in the air it it just lingers everywhere you go you can't help see somebody with a needle in their arm a pipe in their mouth Pusher don't thing you hear do you got a hit do you got a pusher you got some crack can I get a 50 you got some Crystal you got a Pookie pipe matter of fact they give out um free pipes now with Brillo p pipes the whole kit to use use if you use needles they give you everything you don't have to pay for it no more you think you'll be down here the rest of your life literally I'm trying to smoke into oblivian literally I love that feeling and like I said my kids are grown I should be able to do what the [ __ ] I want I want to stay high for the rest of my life to the next lifetime what's your biggest regret not raising my kids don't know them and because I've been smoking drugs so long I've been numb to the numb to the feeling of being a mom yeah and the shame makes you want to just smoke the guilt yeah I want to but I don't want to face everything that comes with it that's right what do you think people that don't do drugs don't understand about a drug like craco everybody's addiction is different mind's not an addiction mind is a disease if you don't smoke dope you can't place your feet in my shoes not every day do I want to get up and put a pipe in my mouth some days I do want to be clean just for that minute till reality KES back in and I have to get high to deal with all the [ __ ] that I've been through the men touching me being raped it doesn't just you don't wake up one day and say you want to be a drug addict for reaction is a reaction it's the only way I can numb the pain sadly if you've never done drugs don't judge a drug ad you don't know what they've been through I hurt deeply but cocaine covers over all that oh that I get happy when I think about it what's your biggest what's your biggest fear now I'mma die with a crack pipe in my mouth when I overdosed I overdosed um the day before Father's Day I would have been devastating to my son you know my mom just passed my spouse passed and um he said you know Mom you're going to die with crack pipe in your mouth and he said I'm going to be the only one to go to the morg to identify you cuz I'm the only one who cares and every day I tell myself I don't want to die with this in my mouth but I also don't want to put it down I know what it takes to go get clean sober it's not what I want to do not right now I'm not hurting nobody I'm getting high and what's the difference in me getting high and the rich people getting high they just have more money and we don't see their actions I'm just out street for everyone to see but I don't want to die with a crack pipe him in my mouth if you had your life to live all over again what would you have done differently i' have been a mother I raised my children not messed around with that guy when you were 15 nope I would have put my kids first but drugs had already consumed me so I was already lost my mom was a a drug addict my mom smoked cocaine I remember I was like seven or eight years old a dope man threw a lit match in my hair and he burned hurt me my mom didn't even care her husband molested me she didn't care my mom got clean us over though she alwaysed to tell me don't try to swim in the ocean you'll drown but if you just tread water she said you'll make it so I'm just treading water just treading hopefully I make it hopefully Z what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in your life that being a drug addict though we think that we're not hurting anybody else and we're only hurting ourselves we're hurting the ones that love us the most worse the cause and the effect you know I my boy is like 27 years old and he'll break down into tears tell me mom I need you I need you to be clean and sober but it doesn't bother me it hurts me but it doesn't bother me cuz I've been doing it all his life so he's used to it he understands he does but he doesn't he he does because I'm his mom but he doesn't understand why I keep putting that first and not a relationship with him I want to I wish God you would just one day just zap me and you're a mom but it's not the reality so until then I'll just keep hitting my pipe hoping that it takes the pain away hoping that it covers over all the ill feelings that I have the shame and the guilt you know my mom passed and I smoke so much dope she begged me to come see her before she died I couldn't put my crack pipe down that the day I finally put it down to get some sleep she passed you know when I got to her mailbox check the mail she had ordered my birth certificate two weeks prior cuz she knew she was going to die and the lady was so loving during my whole addiction with cancer and chemotherapy and radiation she used to drive to Skid R just to see me sick and all and I remember her telling me you know know I'm going to check out the hospital tonight I just want to go home and she said I'm doing really good I want you to come see me she already knew she was dying but all I wanted I didn't have enough crack to go I I didn't I need to make some more money and the guilt and the shame just eats me alive eats me alive and hopefully she'll forgive me one day hopefully I'll forgive myself all right Zenovia thank you so much for sharing your story thank you wish you all the luck in the world thank you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 221,641

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu, Crack addiction

Id: xvgCjf7Rhus

Length: 18min 17sec (1097 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 11 2023