Recovering Crack Addict-Patrick (March 2021 update)

all right patrick we're on we're on welcome back good to see you good to see you hello everybody out there so this is a very different patrick i hope so than the one who's been here three times before since the last time you were here our last video you you checked yourself into a rehab right after that's right and how's that been uh so i've been clean since then um so that was like right around a month ago um so i'm clean now i'll say this and this this feeling came immediately upon us agreeing to do this last week um like doing this and being like you know captain honest like uh like like i've been in the past is a whole different story clean uh versus high on crack you know like there's there's nervousness and fear at a much higher level right now so that that honesty that you showed in those other talks was from your well no you know my goal is to be just as honest now because i do i do believe and actually i believe even more from the experience of doing this that that there's power in that and that somewhere in that lies the power to to finally overcome this thing um so i'm convinced of that yeah it's it's it's there's so much gosh now i'm realizing there's so much we could talk about um when it comes to that you know when it comes to what there is to overcome this thing and uh and how i kind of just stumbled in here accidentally it would appear but i don't believe that you know and decided that first time to just go for it in a crack crack haze um so yeah so there's a different there's a higher you do i think it takes more courage right now uh more you know that old that that thing that's always there when i'm clean across you know definitely the last several years of my life of trying to present an image of some of someone better than i think i am right like the imposter so i want to sound good want to say the right things want to make sure to leave out the things that i think would be like embarrassing things and uh and i've already said all those embarrassing things on the last few videos if anyone had to watch those they could just go back and watch those goodness um so anyway there's that uh turns out a lot of people watch your channel i discovered like a lot of understanding like most of my friends like i have i have awesome friends i have so many people that love me uh it's like almost seems unfair you know last night i was with like my inner circle of friends you know like with the people that i hang out with the most over these last couple years over my buddy's house and uh we were talking about this we're talking about you know the life talking about what some of the things i went through and i'm not going to mention anybody's name but those people are so awesome and so dear to me and uh and they treat me as though like nothing ever happened that's the thing that's like and you know i met everybody all of them through the 12 steps and narcotics anonymous and that sort of love and friendship um you know it's it's remarkable um it helps me not feel the depression that i am experiencing you know so um how about i how about i recap like what happened since the last video yeah so i remember the last video i think you took you drove me to my apartment after three or four hours after getting mugged over here you know and then uh so i didn't stop using for like at least another week after that um and i did some and i did some awful things in that you know i just i did some hurtful things to people and i'm going to tell you about those right here um as soon as i got home right in that next day or two um my mom came you know my mom's the other one i should mention that i've spent the last three days with her and she's absolute angel you know like uh you know i don't deserve it you know it's funny like we we like sometimes it seems like we get what we need although maybe not like maybe a lot of people not it seems like for some reason i've always had what i've needed no matter if it's if i'm earning it myself or if what i don't have that ability and i was actually joking with my mom because one thing that my brother and i have yet to provide her with which she would want are grandchildren you know for various reasons and i joked with her i think yesterday that well at least uh we're not giving you grandchildren but we are giving you well i at least i'm giving you you know uh a life that needs a parent for 50 years instead of the usual 20. and she laughed and also had watery eyes over that but she came over to my apartment to help me because it was becoming clear that i was gonna have to move out of that apartment um and we were gonna try to go to impact i think we talked about that yesterday at length on that day um and to get into that place i was told that the way to do that is to call every day you know and so i was just in just a total depression not allowing to move and you know coming down off of that experience with with the drugs and doing very little you know like i should have done way more i was letting my mom do a lot you might clean my whole apartment started like sort of organizing it getting boxes you know getting like moving i'm getting ready to move out um and on the sunday of the end of that week it was going to be the like a u-haul was we're gonna come with my brother my dad and we're gonna put the furniture and be done with that apartment and so on the saturday evening prior to that sunday you know i'm sitting there and i have a way to get money again right i have a way to get money again i'll go into that after and in my in my head it was like this is the last chance you have to get high right getting high in the next crack hit was still the most important thing and i was sitting there like going through those days with my mom there and i just felt awful you know like like the only antidote like is to get high and so you know i told my mom i was going to the liquor store you know which was literally like the first time i left her her you know she even asked me can i take you like no let me go you know and i come down here i get i got to lift i come down skid row i get crack and i go back home to her wood crack because like even though my mom is sacrificing first driving from arizona to come and help me like it's more important that i get high it's what i consider possibly the last chance i had to do it you know but then before i got back over there she knew you know like like it's not like oh i wonder what i was taking so long i just and so you know one of her things is like she'll do anything for me anything no matter what it is but but not except be around me when i'm getting high like she won't and so she was like she asked me like throw dump it which i wasn't gonna do that so she took off you know and i proceeded to get high throughout the night of my last day in my apartment and then i wasn't sure what was gonna even happen then now you know like that was like a change of plans with you know there he goes um but they still did come with the u-haul and i had like what i probably the worst day of my life you know maybe of going out of that place where i've always been trying to hide from all my neighbors you know like in the using times in the clean times i'm just like a normal neighbor try to hide you know i'm always afraid they're gonna know what i'm doing and now we're moving out and i'm high and i'm scared my dad is there it was awful and so basically like running away from that place having not paid the rent you know and uh winding up at my brothers and now it's like okay now you don't have an apartment or a car you know like and i still had access to money and i was i remember that my brother was thinking like there's only one thing like like you need crack more than you've ever needed it before at this point with having to deal with all that and so i lifted from there you know did went to pomona for one night getting high um came home back to his place took off again and it was i was like sneaking away i didn't have to even do that i could well maybe with my parents but like with my brother i could just tell him hey man i know you probably don't agree but i'm going to get hired he wouldn't he wouldn't stop me yeah but instead of doing that i'm like you know check this out i'll tell you this is ridiculous uh instead of doing that normal thing like hey bro he probably would have even helped me like instead of maybe hey man will you please just drop me off instead of doing a lift i don't know but instead of that i'm in the his garage like smoking a cigarette like wearing like pajama pants and slippers and like he has his shoes in the garage i get a pair of his shoes and i go out to the lips and i come down here in pajama pants right and check into a a hotel down here or i got kicked out of that hotel the the next day um so here's another story so so this is so now i'm back down here like six days after the after that incident happened over right around the corner here and people knew you know i was back wearing pajama pants smoky track like here again and uh but i did have a hotel so i had a hotel out of skid row down down central like ways down there but i'll kind of come up here to score and everything um and so i was at that hotel let me tell you this story um still calling impact every day still like managing to make that call so that almost like so that i could say i did right like i never broke the street in all this that i'm doing i'm squeezing in a call to them and they're not getting back to me they're checking your insurance or whatever whatever it probably didn't matter because if they would have said okay come on in i wouldn't have none of i would still had a chance to keep getting high but i was doing that and i was at this hotel over here and uh you know i was you know i've described how i am when i take a crack hit and so you know i did some creepy i did some creepy stuff you know not like dangerous not but like uh uh in the morning you know six in the morning i take a crack hit in that motel room and get all you know sexed up and horny and like fantasy world comes and i go downstairs to like the worker girl that works at the like works at the motel you know and like invite her to my room basically yeah like if she wants to come up on her break or whatever and she was cool about it like no no thanks bro like like i don't take breaks you know and i and okay i walk away five minutes after that in my room you know wears off and i'm just like mortified like oh my god that's why i call the hotel knowing she'll answer and she answers and i apologize you know like very like i'm so sorry that was out of line i shouldn't have done that you know please forgive me and she was really cool about it yeah no problem man so then like you know soon after that like the maid who comes and cleans the rooms you know so i would maybe take a hit and like be attracted to her but it was like i didn't really like know what to say to her but just you know i was just around too much you know um so to speed up this part of the story i i um i get the room for another night you know going back to that same girl but four hours later no problem yeah she's paid for the second night whatever i come down here for a few hours like i didn't even go back up to my room i went paid for the next night came here did my thing when i want to back down there at like two o'clock um i finally get in touch with impact like there's a message on my phone like hey call us back here call me back where the guy was and uh calling back and i'm on the phone with him i'm literally on the phone with them when i knock knock knock on the door of my room and it's like the owner of the place like telling me i have to leave immediately with like the two girls behind him like you have to leave immediately your uh whatever doing whatever to the to the staff making her uncomfortable you know um i'm telling him like hey like i'm on the phone man you gotta wait till i'm off this this call um anyway i wound up arguing with this guy like okay you want me to leave fine just refund me the second day you know i wasn't even here like i was literally just got back half an hour ago no we're not refunding you the second day and i wind up like downstairs like where they have like their little side office and i'm like the the the nature of that argument was that he wouldn't let me say anything every time i start to talk he yells you know one point has a baseball bat like up to my neck that thing we're calling the cops he said we're calling the cops and you're gonna get arrested all right fine call the cops you go back up to my room and they they've locked me out you know so all my stuff's in there uh i'm locked out and so i did i've never done this in my life and i was sort of proud of myself for succeeding on my first attempt but i just threw the door and busted it open with my shoulder and broke it and uh like a movie kind of yeah like how cops would do it if they were trying to get in i mean i guess the door's just flimsy because it'd be like oh it broke just the right amount like not terribly broken but an open and whatever i told me you knocked me out of there you know no that's not yeah so the cops became and i was i wasn't worried at all about the cops coming i feel like i understand their their approach to like users and stuff and honesty i even told him the owner like hey man i'm a drug addict otherwise i wouldn't be at your motel like i'm not a news flash to any to you or anyone else down here and yeah i'll admit sometimes i you know i get high i act a little bit inappropriate like i apologize to your worker here she was fine with it she like bought she got my second night payment no problem um and so when the police came it was like a guy and a girl in a patrol car and like so the guy wanted my story and then the girl was talking to him like i just told him all the truth like i'm a drug addict you know i'm here this to happen this happened uh he wants me to leave but he's he's not giving me a refund so so the end result of that was uh okay he's gonna give you a refund but please leave no problem like that's what i told him in the beginning that would have been so that that happened um you know from there i just you know ran out the clock for the next couple days until there was no money now here's another awful thing that uh you know me being high it caused me to do um what happened with impact though oh so at that moment um i wasn't gonna like there was so much going on you know there's so much going on so basically with what impact was telling me was here go to this other program and i'm not sure exactly what why but i have a feeling it had to do with immediate help being necessary because i told the guy on the phone exactly what i was doing where i was and he was like oh wow like well that's refreshing to hear you be so honest but like call this number and so it was a different place it was a place i could go to immediately they offered to uh just tell me where you are right now and we'll come pick you up right and so i once everything kind of settled and i got back to looking at the phone and figuring that out i wasn't going to call because i still had the chance to keep getting high so basically i called that number i called that guy like the next like one day later uh late at night and uh that and i was at the end um i ran out of money that i was um basically i had a friend and i think i mentioned it briefly in past interviews uh really a dear friend she's great and excuse me and she was basically like feeding me money as like almost like an advance on my tax return which i had sent her the debit card for the tax returns that she would have that when it came so then in between my last time seeing you and my mom coming down somewhere in those days the tax return came and i still had access to it like without even having the card physically and i literally spent it all like drained it down to zero they sort of referred me to another place and i think i don't know it doesn't really matter now but pretty sure the reason was this other place could offer me immediate help in fact they um they told me just tell us tell us where you are and we'll come to you right now take you take you into rehab immediately and so i didn't do that for another day until i rent completely ran out of money um but at that point did do that and they that offer was still available and so i wound up doing a like a 30ish day treatment program in the valley which which wound up being a place to to sleep and eat and not take drugs it's basically like the what was accomplished there the way i was getting all this money uh you know involved me basically robbing my friend yeah a girl that had like base that she had been you know feeding me money over time because she's nice and she loves me and i asked her and uh i had a tax return coming in the future which i always thought was going to be way in the future of all this using you know because this started in december and then like this time around they didn't start doing taxes until like late february uh so i had mailed her the debit card that that tax return was going to and then you know before like before i was out of my apartment you know i see on my phone oh your money's there and i had a way of getting that money like around the back door without having the card and i literally spent it all you know so leaving her with nothing um just you know one of the things um you know i went to that uh rehab center and took your they took my phone away for a week you know which is common actually that's usually would be longer it seems like this place is a little bit easier going um and just like another example of how awesome my friends are to me you know i told her the day i got my phone back i told her you know what what i did and she was basically like you know you're fine i love you like i'm glad you're in rehab don't worry we'll work it out i don't want to pay her back you know but that was that was the that was i tell her that and her response is like i love you it gets cool you gotta get it yeah she's awesome so so yeah um that's what happened um there was a moment you know i got the the last night of using was was awful but it just i mean that's probably common i'm realizing that i'm getting towards broke and i'm so far gone and and uh like more and more people are starting to you know text me like the link to this video last time like what's going on man was you know people are calling me and calling me i'm running out of money i was in a place i really didn't feel comfortable with the person i kind of didn't want to be around but i was stuck there because we kept getting high getting high you know and i finally got out there and i was walking so i had to walk you know probably like a mile a mile and a half to go one last place with like the last 60 bucks but it was like more of a friendly environment and uh crying at one point i'm walking and i'm crying and i was down there on imperial kind of like more west than normal and there's a spot i didn't realize where i was going down imperial the street crosses the freeway i didn't realize that it was going to happen when i figured but i was you know and i'm crying somehow i started like bawling as i'm walking across the freeway you know and i look up like oh the fence is just like not you know i could boo boom go over it fall down on the freeway you know and normally i get to that state i get that deep and those sort of ideas will be there it's almost like my like i don't call it voices but it's like it's like multiples like my brain my it's almost like my voice it's almost like my brain having a conversation with itself but two-sided you know and go do it jump no you know almost like they talk about the disease of addiction like like uh kind of like when you're clean i'll tell you come on do it come on do it you know you deserve it you don't get high and as soon as you do it you're a piece of [ __ ] like the same thing like that so i looked up there um but as i was looking up there and as of that whole thing i was processing the fact like oh you're on a bridge you know like i knew i wouldn't do it i even felt like my feet like get heavier down onto the ground for whatever whatever that is uh so i continued on and and i and i wound up in that place i didn't do much you know um i feel like my past time is getting clean which ever been you ended up in the rehab yeah so i'm now in rehab so so from from uh you know end of february through i got out three days ago um i feel like past times getting clean which there's dozens i've been more active like more like trying to do recovery you know trying to do things to get the ball rolling again striving this time uh not necessarily on purpose but just whatever like like uh depressed like a lot of uh laying on my bed a lot of sleeping a lot of watching tv you know checking out a lot of eating a lot of eating um you know so so let's talk about that so then it's also the fact that i did these videos right and so man um and there's the two sides of honesty you know there's like the kind of like the fear side like what i would always have all my life was this fear of saying it saying everything you know especially the sexual stuff you know especially those details you know um and then i stumbled in here and said all the details you know i went from like you know nobody knowing or maybe a couple two three people right that's the people you trust the most the people that are like willing to be honest with you about that stuff too and i kind of skipped like in the middle part went out to like you know whoever wants to log on and watch it um you thought you were just talking to me but you're talking yeah no i didn't i kind of you know my mind knew what this was going to be and then i especially knew ever since that first one came out right and when that first one first came out this is way back you know i still had a lot of smoke cracks of smoke after that first one um i uh i did have like a negative reaction like oh man i'm done yeah like i'm done because i've always had this you know hide the bad [ __ ] like like uh imposter syndrome like you know present yourself um and having this experience like you know in a way it's like like there's like a freedom side of it you know i've had a couple people a few people um help me to have a different idea of it like like this is what you need like this is gonna cause people to love you even more right to like to know all this right to have this out there um because you talked about it i watched the third one uh yesterday i hadn't seen it watch it for the first time you talked about love being the thing self-love and then for us addicts choosing choosing to fix instead of love and i believe that choosing fear yeah and whatever's missing you know whatever's missing um you know like i would use the word perverted and disgusting and gross and like those sort of actually describe what i do and like how i am and friends you know like although one friend in particular that saw it seems like certain people subscribe in my my different friend circles certain people subscribe to your channel and they're just they just subscribe to your channel and then all of a sudden i'm on there and then next thing you know like everyone you know it kind of goes from one yeah to 50. and so on um but certain people like making it like it's okay you know like you're not gross like you're actually not even that much different no i think you're always i think i'm i'm all in my life kind of like subconsciously thinking like you're gross you're different hide it right so that's one thing that happened from this is uh you know especially especially with women you know you know because i would it'd be easier for me to tell the truth to a dude than to a woman because i think like you know women are the ones women are the ones you're trying to impress or that for whatever reason i think that they would be the ones to find this really extra disgusting or what have you and no like they know at least not all of them and they're they're happy to see me being honest and they tell me things like uh you know you can love yours what if you just love yourself and accepted that like that stuff that i do that's part of my addiction right that's that's part of it and it's not necessarily gross you know i told uh you know i was at that uh that rehab and probably the best thing i think the reason i went there i feel like everything happens for a reason and uh there was one uh counselor that would come in three times a week and um and she helped me she was good she wound up she you know she got sober years ago um but kind of in a public way like like i won't go into that but um and on our last group the last group that i had with her and the other there's only like three or four other clients there um we watched my first video as like part of the group you know yeah we actually we watched one of her videos this this counselor which was like a ted talk she's you know stayed sober for years and so yeah and then we watched that and it was a little bit like who you know and we just watched it and um she went up telling me right when it was over like you're gonna stay clean now because of this because of that honesty and like breaking through that barrier even though it was like not the plan you know it kind of happened by accident um that's what she that was her takeaway and she was as she cried and told me she loved me more right and then talked about like some stuff she went through that would be kind of like way out there like the super honest edge of the scale and then one of the one of my you know colleagues who have other patients in there this older dude said hey could i say something and told something that he had never shared in his life you know so like the spear of honesty was there in that you know almost like they watch that and they're like well okay let me let me do it too so that was powerful i think i think your honesty makes you perhaps the most loved person on my channel because you're just so incredibly honest and vulnerable yeah i mean it's it's more of an effort today but but it's the right way to be i think it makes you you know it the end result is the exact opposite of what you think you think everyone is going to be horrified and hate you yeah and it's the exact opposite everyone relates to you and loves you right yeah like the the great majority and i do i have read the comments for them for i think most of them like i haven't done that in a while but when i was like home depressed in between getting high i especially the first video i read a lot of the comments and it's it's that's remarkable how many people you know thank you all of you people that like want me to do good and feel for me but like human nature you know maybe how do you think like 10 of them are negative maybe or something like small there's always some percentage yeah and i focus on those right like it's my nature my answer is to pick those apart but i remember all the negatives to resist yeah to resist trying like like uh correcting them where they're wrong and everything and um one thing i'll say about that the negative one did i see myself in that like i could i could be the negative guy watching anything like oh yeah so great but what about that what about that and uh one thing about the negative comments it seemed to me um they're always so sure of themselves yes right negative comments or statements of like this is absolutely the truth is a fact yeah like it's like of course how could you possibly know but they don't and that that's when you know it's gonna do a negative comment try to use some nuance and don't pretend you know for sure so just suggest something that maybe i'm lying that's a great observation so what's your plan from here okay so uh that you know that's one thing that's different now versus any of the times in the past is that so like as i've described over these times my car the car's been gone good job turns out you're not supposed do you still have the job i do still have the job um it's incredible the apartment's gone all the money's gone um so it was like what part of money and cars are all replaceable what to do yeah sure i mean it doesn't matter one thing is like okay no matter how much money i make if it's going to turn in if it's going to be zero or like let's call what it is negative 20 grand whatever it is right now uh every time then it probably doesn't matter how much money i made before that right that doesn't matter but the job is still there basically i've been on medical leave they know what's going on they you know your teeth you're still a handsome guy nobody's nobody's removed any fingers from you but i had but it was like what do you do now you know you don't have that apartment to go back to you you're like i can't really work without having a car to get there having some setup no money to start to move into a place so we're looking at sober livings places that the insurance would cover like first month stuff like that um so where do you stand as an addict today so you've been you've been in this rehab for about a month right and you seem perfectly you seem as sober as a judge right now but is there a temptation to use again not right now uh that's something i could talk about that so the last uh time that i had the obsession to use it was um i can't remember exactly where how many days i had been at the rehab but i definitely had my phone again so probably like 10 days in roughly and for i can't remember exactly what it was but some detail of what i saw on my phone made me think oh i can get money again something happen at my bank or something and so i already went to one rehab and left before the third video and that now i'm laying there i'm laying in bed i'm thinking about it thinking about like all the steps that it would require pack your stuff tell tell the staff guy hey i'm leaving which whatever they have they can't keep you there get get it get a lift uh go and come straight down here boom i'm laying there i want to do it i want to do it and i'm laying there and i'm laying there and eventually you know what i see what happened that night i made a couple friends that i've met in person but they're what they're viewers and i've made a couple friends a couple that i've like that i've stayed in touch with them through the comments i know we have we've got each other's info so yeah through the comments but no you know they people find me on facebook or myself right now yeah and i was talking to one of them you know that nice person that just wants me to to succeed and uh and i wound up texting with her like sort of like like accidentally at that moment and all of a sudden like an hour of that maybe went by or some amount of time texting back and forth and like i forgot that i wanted to go get high and then from the next morning until now i haven't thought about it i haven't like thought it would have wanted to or could or schemed on how i could and that's rather that's kind of normal for me like that's my pattern would be to get like this and what would trigger it yeah that's down the road and so triggering it would be like going back to work getting back into like the hustle and bustle of everyday life um feeling lonely perhaps going and visiting prostitutes clean and then feeling shame over that kind of like that whole way of thinking of myself like the whole perverted disgusting stuff um maybe doing that three or four times but in a real sort of addict have you ever had a girlfriend yeah i've had girlfriends a few over the years i would think that would keep you clean right yeah that's that's been discussed over time here and there as the one of the strategies like get a girlfriend like i mean it seems like a go help you know like that would make me feel more uh like times when i've had a girlfriend i felt better about myself yes i'm saying yeah so that's that's a thing and um and then eventually though realizing that the prostitute behavior um just isn't fulfilling and then really what i want is crack my one of my old sponsors would call like describe prop for me not for everybody but for me prostitute walking down sidewalk that's a crack pipe walking down the sidewalk that's how he would describe it so right when i so one thing that happened um when i got my phone back at the rehab i turn it on there's a long email right from a dear friend of mine that uh that i lived with for a year in puerto rico right and this guy is like the puerto rican version of me right this guy's hilarious and smart i love this guy and uh he's describing in his email how and he lived in florida how he just went through he relapsed last year for the first time in like eight years i think first time in a while whatever whatever stories i've told you ten times heavier you know he had a lot of money to blow through and just blew it up like lost his losses lost his business lost his marriage lost everything and was gonna kill himself right and then so and then uh decided sort of at the last minute um to go back to teen challenge like the program where we were the program that i worked for and then back in massachusetts and so he'd been there for he'd been there five months and he saw my video right so that's really what generated this emails he sees the video right and so that tells him how i'm doing you know and he's basically like come here you know come here hang out with me you know let's do this let's get let's get to get let's let's recover together let's get strong again uh i love this guy and i want to finally call it him at first when i saw that you know that goes against one of the things i've been trying to do these last five six years which is like cling to this life independent life like this like regular job apartment like a regular like a regular person um and then i wound up calling and talking to my boss you know like like my boss like my the guy that runs the place where i work is a special guy and i have a great relationship with him and i and i i totally trust his advice and his judgment he's like a father figure to me and i told him i asked him like for help making the decision you know do i stay try to find a spot come back to work or you know my friend that i just the puerto rican friend um was the first one that pitched the idea to me of like asking for a leave of absence from work and going there that would be a six month uh six month program in massachusetts so um i i presented that to my boss like i asked him what he thought and immediately it was like i think the sixth month sounds good you know i'll do whatever i can to to support you on that you know who knows if the league of absence will be approved i already turned in um requests for that um and and so i made that decision to do that to like fly to massachusetts go into that place as soon as i made that and it was like sort of surreal that day you know as soon as i talked to my boss and like that was like the final straw for me for to make the decision and that day was it was it was almost like i was outside of my body watching myself do this thing is it difficult for you to make that because you seem fine now and my temptation if i were in your shoes would be like no i'm good right i'm good that's what i've always done leave me alone because i do feel good like i probably could go to work tomorrow yeah and be i would just go back to work and yeah forget i've always done that i've always done that i do that would be better you know start making money to start digging out this hole yeah but that's all the material stuff and feel like that sort of uh pride or you know like whatever whatever it is that makes me feel bad about myself as an addict or even as a human i think i'll try to get anything from anywhere to make me feel better and so is my performance at work it's my relationship with co-workers it's my income you know um and right now it's nothing like like i've so i don't know i don't really feel at this moment you know i think like another part of addiction is self-centeredness and so here i am talking about myself so this is well farming my favorite thing to do is like i'm always thinking about myself and talking about myself you're just as lovable in this state to me as you would be if you had a car and a job in an apartment and agree thank you for that and that's true because otherwise it wouldn't be love if they depended on having a car and all that it would be some other thing not love love is something that i think you're a great guy many other people yeah but it still remains true that i'm like technically homeless you know penniless you know all those that is my status right now as far as you know describe the describe the uh well i'm going to take care of you as i always do here sure you won't there's no chance of you using that on no we'll talk i'll show you no not at all my dear friend that brought me down here will help with that if there was anything on that end so i came down here uh with another uh i would hate a clean addict in recovery so that's good um but but there was an immediate like sort of depression that set in right away after making that decision and i felt like it was like i was grieving um that i finally had to let go of the clinging to this life like like clinging to like this material things and being this this guy you know being this kind of this person the successful person that i would always try to portray myself as um and that's probably healthy you know that's you know they talk about like surrender and letting go and like what am i you know when they talk about like the third step in the program of like turning your will and life over the care of god you know however you see god um someone described that back in the day as jumping off a cliff you know it's like you're jumping off a cliff just trusting that you're out you're gonna something's gonna catch you instead of like trying to build a skyscraper at the top of the cliff i'm jumping off um so so i do feel like i went through a little bit of a grieving process and it is still true that i would you know like to like today hopefully like after this hopefully it's not too long before i'm like laying down vegging out watching tv again like like i'm watching billions right now which is fantastic um so so yeah so i was gonna go um tomorrow i had i had the flight booked for for a red eye tomorrow night um but one thing i have to do and i've mentioned this i think i mentioned in passing but i had cancer i had melanoma twice in my life already it was on my head i have like you could see this on my head and then two and a half years later in 2016 it came back here in my lymph nodes there's two lumps there's two cancer tumors melanoma in my lymph nodes and so i had to get surgery to get them out having that going through that while i worked at this job probably helped me do a few extra relapses and come back without saying anything because because i was getting cancer treatment after i had the after i had the tumors taken off i did three years of infusions at the city of hope to try to try to reduce the chances of it coming back and i have to continuously go and get scanned get checked you know every it was every three months now it's every six months and so i got in there a couple days ago because i wanted to get in there before i went like before i went to massachusetts and before my insurance cuts off because my insurance is also going to cut off due to this decision and the scans found two things uh something in my neck and that had something in my liver and that's never there was one time like a couple years ago we weren't sure and i had to do a biopsy but that one was clean so this is only the second time that there's ever been anything that requires anything extra and so um especially the one in my neck they would want to at least like the least amount of time they would want me to wait would be six weeks to look again see if it grew because basically these things are growing since the last time beyond just beyond a threshold of worry yeah so because of what's going on i'm gonna do i'm doing the biopsy immediately right so i'm doing a biopsy uh on monday um so that threw everything sort of into so i'm having a biopsy on that monday wait for the results to come back and um hopefully it's negative and then i go but that's what's going on um that's the latest so i just found that out on monday yeah i don't know i wish you the best that's a little scary i i you know yeah i mean you're right it's interesting people always ask me how did you take the news you know um and my boss like my boss my former direct supervisor who's retired now would always marvel at how my attitude was about the cancer because it's the same as it is now like i'm not worried you know like it's like whatever and i feel like the reason i'm like that because of the addiction like this addiction thing is so gnarly and so overwhelming that any other thing is like nothing in comparison like for for cancer for the cancer thing i gotta get a covet test on sunday and i gotta go to get a biopsy on monday so i basically have to just physically go to a place and say here i am and lay on the table and that's so easy i think i heard joe rogan say something about mma fighters how they nothing upsets them yeah like when people like us lose our cell phones we get all upset it ruins our day these guys nothing upsets them because they're facing death like on a daily basis basically things definitely upset me you know like like that's part of like the self-centeredness like i get angry and and be and be immature and throw a tantrum like i've noticed that a couple times lately but nothing like it really scares me or worries me you know like for whatever reason you know like getting having this be positive and having to do whatever happens after that or the risk of dying that would come with that doesn't scare me well i you know listening to what you just told me i think you've gone from what most viewers who've watched your other videos would be oh my god this guy is so much worse off than all of us and i think where you're i think where you're going to end up is so much better off than all of us so much healthier yeah that would be awesome you know like like having this finally be a win like a long-term win down the road i mean i don't even know what that would look like i can i could totally see it yeah but but people do say uh it's almost like a cliche but i totally believe in it like this disease this addiction disease and i know some people don't think it's a disease and who knows but like legally it's a disease american medical association definitely a thing yeah so i mean this is the only disease that like if you recover from it it leaves you off better than if you had never had it at all if that makes sense so i get through this i could be you know or any of us i'm like speaking for any of us that are addicts we get through it we wind up on the other end better than if we had just never been an addict in the first place because of the growth and sort of like what the humility and all that helping others par all that that comes along with recovering so i don't know yeah let me ask you questions i that might be it man no that's great you're incredible i'm so happy appreciate you mark i'm so happy we met yeah me too and i i i see great things for you i'm ready i'm worried about the cancer yeah but i'm not worried about everything else i think you're you're the opposite of me so between the two of us you're worried about the cancer i'm worried about everything else no i think you're i think you're in the right place we're a good team i feel really good about everything but i'm glad you're taking care of them yeah so i'll let you know that the outcome on that excellent and uh i'm looking forward to uh seeing where you're at in uh six months or wherever sure me too i'm proud of you thanks mark appreciate it thank you patrick oh it's so nice to talk to this patrick

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 506,712

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu, patrick, recovering crck addict, crack addict interview

Id: KBkwVVpuM3k

Length: 44min 57sec (2697 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 27 2021