Open All Hours: Laundry Blues (1995 UK VHS)

[Music] [Music] ah ah [Music] we need a new brush nonsense that's a marvelous old brush that i've had that for 14 years i've only had two new heads and three new handles 93 million miles to the sun that's about how many miles this brush has done at all when you consider what a tiny speck this planet is on the cosmic landscape isn't it marvelous that the the v.a.t man can find his way to my shop whenever he feels like it you can't fault my double entry bookkeeping but i still view his visits with a sense of four-four bolding four-four boating has two fours you mean eight boating i'm a double entry talking now you know when all blue eyes thinks about the wee small hours of the morning it's obvious he never works in a shop i know you're short if i didn't hear that turf you out of bed of a morning you'll be lying around there while gone seven there's a marvel's in it here when you think of the difference in lifestyle between somebody like me and frank sinatra ah but did he find her true happiness i don't know but he had a good look in some interesting places though didn't he ever gardener have a guy it's pronounced ava gardner we used to say if you're going to have a gardener she's the one to ever oh dear mind you on second thoughts you know i'm still busy with my first thoughts hey you before you let your mind wander just make sure it's not too weak to be out on its own will you know on second thoughts i think she would be a kind of a woman who would be very expensive you know she wouldn't be satisfied with a pack of the shop tights that cost would you no not that lady she would demand a crippling discount she would oh did you see that at the thought of the erosion into me profit margin my fingers lost all sense of grip did you know pick them up would ya oh aussie what am i doing with my life eh grovelling around on the floor this time in the morning picking up other gardeners tights don't crease them i'm never likely to am i eh you know when i think of the tights that's been through my fingers it's about time i have one with a leg in it granville you're always the same you are of a morning full of desperate talk i reckon it's the fluoride they put in the toothpaste i think it's imbalancing your hormones a bit well maybe you're not quite regular enough with your share with your uh whether you're whether you're shaving my advice to you at times of stress is to always go and say spit polish your boots hey put the kettle on would you all right you know you've been a constant worry to me granville ever since you first went into hawaii fronts the secret of an orderly life in my opinion is to always leave yourself relaxed around the premises yeah 432 beige dear now now look what you've made me do look at that yeah i didn't do that you did it he's gone clean through look he's got a hole both sides that's the worst kind of a hole you know look i just passed them over you put them straight on the spot you interrupted me rhythm didn't you hey if the filing system you might know that anything i've got in my hand at a time like this goes straight on the spike good job you're not in the medical profession then oh it's bad enough having the vat man coming this morning now i've got to try and reduce a pair of tights hey you can't sell that pair now we don't know that do we until we dry i wish you wouldn't adopt these and negative attitudes granville i don't know where you get it from your mother never said no to anything i bet she wouldn't buy a pair of tights with olds in oh she was always game for a bargain where were my sister if anyone knew how to get a bit knocked off she did hey hey was she a smart dresser oh yes she liked her clothes yeah how did she do her ear usually a little bit of bits of grass in the back no you liked her though really didn't you he was kind and loving and generous no sense at all oh customer well is he coming in or isn't he the suspense is killing me it's amazing you know isn't it you stock your shop with all kinds of imaginable luxuries and then still they they dither on the doorstep you'd be amazed at what they do on that doorstep i have to sweep it up he can't get in he can't get in you've left the ball done come on what's the matter with you he's gone now he's gone go on get after him oh no you can't go and grab customers off the street you can't if you don't worry go on get in [Music] there okay lieutenant this whole area is in a war zone i want everybody in this zone down this bunker immediately hey guys i told you i told you wouldn't be a mix what about me bus i've got a bus to catch up all right so don't worry i'll get you out in time for that there's a quick turnover in this shot we don't allow loitering i was just standing there at the bus stop now what is it going to be cigarettes or tobacco or water half asleep thinking about the wife's bad leg oh bad leg we've got the finest bad leg the department in the area sir now where did i put it when all of a sudden i feel he's hand on my shoulder and i'm being pulled around the corner into the layout of the smart grocer you was hammering on the door said who was you was it wasn't me i wouldn't dare i've heard things about this place why do you think our tiptoe passed this shop every morning oh dear we've gone and caught the wrong one here you want to be more careful yeah i'm sorry sir but you see being in this game as long as i have all the male customers start to look alike to me man you'll never forget a wallet what are you doing don't worry so no harm done no harm done no i'm done you snatch your bloat from a bus stop it's like a hijack my god i thought we're off to cuba oh i can only apologize there and offer you this small token in compensation for any inconvenience cause sir what is it well it says something for the wife's bad legs elasticated bandage oh that's very decent it's a miracle the ingenious little divisor can be worn on both legs though preferably enough at the same time otherwise the good lady might fall flat on her fur on her face thank you very much not at all my pleasure sir 65b you what 65p surely that's a that's a small amount to pay sir for the ease and comfort of a loved one hey or even the wife for that matter would you like some liniment for her no i flame him wouldn't oh thank you very much so there's a get that pound in the teal granville 35 p chains there we are sir one two three and 35 i think i hear your bus coming sir step this way will you there we go do call again won't you sir you must be joking well you certainly made his day the frufty beggar tiptoe bust the shop every morning i'll bet you'll go right around via arnold street in future it's your fault you know it's your wildest blaring away that's why we why would i don't hear them tiptoeing past i could have had him years ago and talking of years ago are you gonna get that pound in the tiller not i've earned that one you know oh no no not the till no it's vicious that till dawn i didn't tackle the till till i got all my wits about me no no yeah bye that summer you're really seeing us her supermarket shelf keep your distance arc right how would you have fancy of the fun-filled fortnight in the sunny little corner of the room above me shop yeah all mouth and trousers and they're not necessarily in that order keep the way don't start grappling in the streets all right they all know we're going to be married not all invited to the dress rehearsal but what would you take for a swollen chest more than you'd pay you really want to make yourself useful my washing machine's on the blink i've rang for the engineer oh yeah you don't need an engine here i can i can i'll pop around later with me bear with me you needn't pop round with your bear anything with me bear with me best tool kit i wish you let me finish sometime look the best thing you can do is let me borrow your washer if i need it ah well what do you mean ah well i'll pay for the electricity no no it's not that you must be slipping our client i can't charge you for the electricity that's very flattering coming from you who's getting soft in his old age why can't you charge me for the electricity because meanwhile washing machines not electric title devil what kind of appliances have you got in here well i haven't got it hey what's up with the nurse oh you've noticed have you she's not in a playful mood this morning isn't it typical hey the first time i get her inside my private quarters she turns out not to be in a playful mood or well what can i give her what have i got to test attempt her with i don't know how much you prepared to spend or practically anything practically anything under a pound well i mean it's not the money that counts the thought isn't it how come you never think of anything worth more than a pound honestly honestly i'd lavish any amount of gifts on any female person i was engaged to she could have the lot if i had the wherewithal hey you keep your aware with all in your pocket you i've seen you sneaking out of an evening covered in solid brilliant teen looking for somewhere to lose your wherewithal look at me i'm stuck here slicing bacon and me life is trickling away i don't suppose i shall ever be sighted in a divorce case he'll be short-sighted if you are you know while i awake at night wondering what wx really means in practical terms you won't let me air grow i've never worn an earring i suppose the only way i'll get grass stains on my jeans is by watching flaming cricket i thought you like a cricket yeah not as much as girls now i used to like cricket before i went swimming and saw deirdre watson's navel that were a revelation to me that was i've never seen anything quite as beautiful i never realized that somebody could fall in love with somebody else's navel i was thinking about it all the time they were giving me artificial respiration yeah i've got it this is just the thing here look a pair of tights what woman would say no to an extra pair of tights that's the pair you stuck on the spice keep your voice down well they've got a hole in we just don't know they've got a hole in do we however if she gets them on and she finds they have got a hole in i'm willing to re-examine the entire situation just my look of his round her flaming ankle oh hello my love don't you love me oh that's a terrible standing order to give an engaged person i must be mad getting tied up with you if you think you're marrying me into a kitchen like that you've got another thing coming what's wrong with me kitchen look at him he doesn't even know it's like the black museum in there you opened a modern appliance in the place where's the girl gaga's baby poker oh god in the age of the microchip arc right still running on steam listen you better marry me gladys emanuel before i run out of steam i'm not marrying you ark right till you drag this place into the 20th century how do you manage to do your laundry every week with clapped out stuff like that well it's easy how can it be easy he does it oh the poor lad you must be a blight on his adolescence okay granville can i come out of there at once you don't leave him alone alone he's not alone he's he's got two friends in there with him poor lad look he'll be going there dizzy with pleasure in there i'm not sure he can breathe i can breathe i can well daddy breathe talk with your mouth full come on listen oh look he's gone all unnecessary around the jeans now look i've got patience to see but by the time i get back here arkwright i want to see a brand new washing machine in that kitchen we have our brand new brand new none of your tatty old bargains and a spin dryer you know i can't do that today i've got the beverage man coming to phantom and tomorrow be watching the air if it's not with one thing it's a nun and how much is a new washing machine no no not surprised going around with your head stuck in people's bosoms i couldn't help it it doesn't need any help does it it's doing perfectly well on its own thank you very much that bosom is between the tattoo of it oh oh look at that there's something vaguely clinical isn't it about us a state registered leg climbing into a morris minor oh great granville fetch your cloth will you oh look at that [Music] [Music] uh take your time mavis we can't rush a decision like this large loaf or small i'll have a large slope no no i'll take a small one that'll do nicely for us too unless his mother comes at suppertime and before we've decided we will watch for tea it already is suffer time it's cemeteries mr arkwright oh really i'll have a tin of beans inner beans right ah now then large or small haven't you anything in between only a couple of thumbs at the moment small that'll be 41p there we are a large loaf in the thinner beans you certainly know how to plan a meal mavis thank you very much indeed tonight there's nine there we oh here comes our friendly neighborhood va t man excuse me mavis good morning sir damn dogs oh dear dear dear you certainly seem to have got you for 15 percent of that long is it off well it doesn't smell too fresh to me it ought to be kept on a leash yo that's what i always say yes i'm the dog too preferably why don't you go through to the warehouse mr o'reilly and i'll come and see you later right maybe i shall just leave you there deciding whether or not to leave the shop all right all right here we are mr o'connor there we are snuggers are bugging a rug here mind you i i wouldn't just stay here very long if i were you all right well we have our job to do oh yes i understand that i only mentioned that on the count of the mice you see might see it you've got mice uh well not officially no i can't show you a receipt for them from time to time a little gray chap pokes his head out from under that case there little how little teeth like an alligator oh dear dear dear oh i'd like to have known my father yes says so would your mother you'd have thought with her being your sister that she might have told you something about him look at the purple rice of this one god he is terrible is that but with my young day i could have bought a whole water woman for that a big one i wonder how tall my father was do you think he was hungarian well there were quite a few about at the time you know and among your mother's the last effects i did stumble across a jar of paprika i always see him with a mustache no no that was your mother mind you i'll say one thing about her she certainly knew how to enjoy life without a of her flame in my washing machine look at the pro that has 220 to 22. i'm not paying that i can't even say it you'll have to get one the nurse will be watching listen stay here and look after the shop will you and keep your eye on that the v8 man if he starts asking any nasty questions just say you know comprendi tell him your father was her hungarian hey do you think he was well he certainly dropped a goulash with your mother i thought it was you are christ it's me nineville just winter shopping are you i am at these uh prizes you're hard man to bargain with arkwright you can't win them all neville look i'll tell you what i'll do i'll give you a pound in your hand just to take your custom to another shop oh no where's your sense of adventure i am looking for a new what you see the new one you know big and glossy and the new to be delivered immediately oh well in that case sir come inside come inside to be delivered immediately uh immediately only delivered mind you need to think i'm going to buy one of this sort of man i might have known i just want it delivered you see in full view of the street we take it in carefully through the shop door and then we'll whip it out through the back you sneak around the side and then pick it up again in return for which i'm about to undertake something more modest in the reconditioned line what a second and one yeah accosted hey what are you doing shh keep your voice down it's a little device i've got for the v.a.t man if i give a sharp tug on this string something runs over his foot unfortunately it's it's not a lorry but it'll have to do listen what are you sitting there for you're supposed to be watching out for neville we shall miss the nurse if you don't go get out there isn't that somewhere else i can work what about the carpet department at lewis's look i've got a job to do here oh well you're in the best place there all that you know it is a veritable little snug in there something ran over my foot oh well that'll be granville on the shop bark he says it was a mouse it felt like a mouse oh really what color i don't know what color what difference does it make you'll soon find out if it's that little gray beggar i'll tell you mind you if it's one of the brown ones it'll be all right why are the brown ones how many have you got well i don't know exactly i didn't realize that to itemize things as finely as that i hope neville's coming i hope neville's coming you're too early neville she's not back yet go around the block again go on [Music] well where's that woman got to what's the time [Music] eh [Music] so my [Music] listen get down after neville go get the [Music] lorry [Music] [Music] oh [Music] [Music] oh [Music] you've splashed out haven't you it's me my new appliance listen if you left your window open later on i could probably pop up the ladder no you couldn't and we could come to some arrangement about me old appliances what makes you think that's of any earthly use the best thing you can do with that is paint it a suitable colour and stick a plant in it oh sorry back now to me now again right right oh what i can't keep on being interrupted like this no we haven't quite quite finished yet mr o'connor we've got to take it out again out again yes out again yes excuse me lads come on straight out the back door now go on listen as soon as you've dumped that get in the real stuff will you i put a i put a good strong motor in the spin dryer it uh breaks a bit but if you lean on it it'll be all right that's what i'm always telling granville how's it going granville water's hot i'm going to switch it on now right brother that doesn't sound too bad does he why don't you try the spin dryer now right [Music] already well is [Music] i'm getting low on fire lighters but then what can you expect at my age i wonder if our granville is hungarian that was some weird language he was muttering whilst fumbling with the knots in his best shirt they don't know they're born at his age i never had a best shirt people used to live two or three to a shirt in them [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] do [Music] oh there you your granville effective cloth i'm doing this what makes you think i can be in two places at once your trouble is you sometimes and they're not even in one place at once come on i clean this it's it's filthy look at it there's enough dirt on there to fill the black hole of cacao cook the black hole the black the black hot with the hanging gardens of babylon hmm morning grandpa oh granville your nerves are bad no it's just me body my nerves are still in bed how do you manage to get up every morning at this time i have to i've got jeremy living again now i'm divorced oh divorced yeah a year ago i'm all on my own again on your own that big house eh no one to talk to all those empty echoing beds i mean rooms well not exactly i'm living with me mom and dad then there's our kenny and avira you remember avira all that living on your own you know what i mean why is it every female i mean it's always surrounded by relatives there's no way you can ever go and have a quiet discussion well it must be somewhere no not outdoors not this time of year well why don't you invite a girl to your place no he's always in he can't be here all the time he must be joking the last time he spent a whole night away from here was in 1957 1957 where did he go have his appendix house he wouldn't do it for him while the shop was shot on a sunday but why is he so opposed to going away because he's got all his money stashed away inside he's guarding the world's most valuable oxo tin why don't you tell him there's more to life than money don't you think i better wait until i found out what it is oh come on granville don't give me that i bet you've been around oh yes i've been around i've been around here till nine o'clock at night by the time i'm finished all the time's either fixed up washing its air or gone to bed you poor love what you need is a sympathetic married woman or better still a sympathetic ex-married woman call me oh will what would that crash a bottle of milk thank god for that i thought for the moment it sounded like an escaping oxo how can you dinner asleep standing up i'm sleeping i'm dreaming you think life has passed you by then all of a sudden something magical happens and you find yourself sweeping up broken milk bottles there's no excuse for tight jeans at her age it's just willful she's always been inclined towards you know yeah well she certainly gets through a lot of aspirin yes i'm not surprised the only one i blame is her mother hey mother of the american army during the war and not all of them i trust you'd have thought so if you'd live next door and it wasn't as though she was good-looking i mean she had a face like a fit that's true though mind you like i can't quite think what it would have fitted her features never seemed to know the value of teamwork did they well ugly or not she certainly wore out a few glenn miller records you could hear him playing in the mood and jive till all hours there wasn't a weekend pass you couldn't find one unconscious in the garden unconscious what have you done with him no never you mind stop here wiggins and there she was loading it up with her nylons and peanut butter is it any wonder your daughter's the same she was seen in a park car don't cobbat slain i know that someone recognized those shoes through the window and they do say that second child isn't his but he doesn't care as long as he's got the strength to blow the froth off another barmaid and the 10p changed mrs barbara blew it there greg ranville home they opened the door open the door for me for me and me but oh you've done it all good and you want to keep away from strong drink and bad women and what's more important keep away from a bad drink you strong women i do keep away no one round here more successful at it the duke of edinburgh gave an award for having nothing to do with women i'd win second prize after larry grayson well after you ought to get about more you know have the odd night off if you put all of my magistrates in this country nose to tail i wonder if they'd finally get a clearer view of their don't responsibility ever feel like a bit of a holiday the workers revolutionary party claims that there are concentration camps already and waiting all over this country they must mean by the butlins you're not getting any younger who me yes you you think you're going to live forever well i'm going to have a damn good try aren't you there's a whole great world outside just passing us by no not all of them don't pass us by some of them poke their heads in the shop and hand them my money over the counter money that's all you think about money listen to him i've operated an atheist look you ought to get away for a night oh yes and leave you here with my my oxo tin you who don't believe in anything yeah i do i believe in lots of things no you don't you're you're an infidel no i'm not i believe in you know music and art and literature if y'all believe in anything real do you they're real no they're not no they're not not to us they're only real they've ever people like teachers who don't have to work for a living ah yeah that little tinkle that's real that's real a little bit more for the oxo team go on go fetch it good dog rover morning granville you ought to put your foot down what oh do you both good but what a change what are you talking about do you know how long it's been since he lasted a night away from here 1957. there you are you see even brags about it you're right of course i should get him out more otherwise if we get married i'll never see daylight that's right you could start slow you know with maybe the one night away sometime yeah but when oh i don't know what about tonight took all my starting slow do i can watch the shop no mind tomorrow is my day off and if we could get him out of here sometime this afternoon we'd have all tomorrow as well you'd have to be firm with him it'd be a terrible shot but our cat could sleep in and say to me mother but will you be all right here on your own well i'm not absolutely certain but i i think i'm in with a real chance well abrahar baba better take a clean one of everything but what is everything i mean what do you need for a night out as an engaged person and they're not necessarily what you thought you were going to need before she insisted on separate rooms call me she said that's what she said call me with the distinct implication that the minute i put the phone down she'd be round i'm in i'm in you're in granville you're in my god it's about time why do we need two rooms what's the point of being engaged person if you can't economize a bit i mean everyone knows engaged persons only become engaged persons so they're gonna do their bit to economize a bit all over the country there must be hotels who are full of engaged persons all were busily doing their bit oh i hope she'll be gentle with me of course she will of course she will don't be a fool she's been married she knows about these things just take your time i want this to be a deeply moving experience and it's a crucial watershed in a person's life a unique blend of gentleness and violence with just a hint of danger it reminds me i must remember to wear myself in christopher medal now a clean pair of pajamas in case i should inadvertently just stumble upon the wrong room i hope i'll wear them the polka dot ones i had for christmas that's it oh oh no no i shall look like a woodpecker with acne in the space of an hour how can i turn this into a place fit for a milk woman to live in mind you there's no guaranteeing that she'll come round what if she's washing her hair hey you're not taking that ratty old case we're out of your case hey look at it i've hardly ever used that ca case which means falling to pieces oh well i've got an ingenious little device that could combat that here it's called a hairy string you don't imagine that nurse gladys emmanuel in all her finery is going to be seen out with you with a thing like that well i had given that some thought yes well i'm glad yes and i've come to the conclusion that if i drape me raincoat over my arm it'll hardly show at all i see so you're not gonna get a new one then no not for separate rooms i'm not getting a new one i don't know what's come over her i mean you just think you're in set up for a normal working day then suddenly in she barges looking like a very attractive heavy goods vehicle and then suddenly you're going out for the night i mean what brought it all up oh i don't know just to win my fancy anyway don't you worry you go off and enjoy yourself you know i look after my end yeah that's what's worrying me while you're here looking after your end who's looking after the shop i'm looking after the shop suppose there's a crisis it's a crisis look it's only a shop it's not a jumbo jet listen to an only a shop he says only a shop how can i leave it was someone fluted to takes that attitude the infamous yeah why is it so heavy well he says not only the paper money in there there's a few old coins as well well they're they're solid silver before the 1922 you know you're not taking that lot away with you i'm not leaving it here that's for sure you can't take a terrible old thing covered in dents and scratches for a night out with your fiance well i'm going to and i'm taking the oxo tin and all it's too heavy yeah it's not pepper pepper handles can come off now oh do you have a good mind to take this case back to where i bought it from trouble is they will be bombed out during the war yeah granville i can't find a damn thing in here granville huh what you're looking for me money belt i can't find him a money belt money bell i didn't know you had a money belt never seen you wearing a money belt look of course you haven't seen me wearing the money but you're not supposed to see people wearing money belts they're supposed to be a secret aren't they you don't wear them outside you said sports jacket do you kept it a secret all rights news to me i thought you just wore your old oxal tin don't you be cheeky now come on help me find it i know it's here i've ever seen it right when well i saw it last week uh well a few well it must have been several it's 1957. oh great yeah well i i wore it last time you see when i went to have my appendicitis out do you know i haven't moved from this house since then i know that what does it look like well it looks like a money belt it's got this little nick in it where there's a damn fooled surgeon caught it with his scalpel never wore it on the operating table did you i had to then they don't let you stay awake i'm surprised they didn't rip it off you oh no you see that's the beauty of this little beggar you can't rip it off because it's got steel wires in it and you lock yourself into it with a key you see you don't care how you throw your money around do you it oh there it is there it is there he's look i've got it there he's low where are you gonna wear that around one leg you put weight on since then you'll never get into that oh yes i will i'll well i'll how'd you just have to jiggle things a bit super sheen yes i like super sheen ah good another satisfied customer mind you i like sunset silk as well never find it easy to make me mind up have you noticed that yeah you're well known for it in the area mavis do you mind if i make a suggestion i don't know really i couldn't listen to anything my husband wouldn't approve of no no i didn't mean anything on the other hand even if you're married my feeling is you're still a person and i could be wrong how did you happen to get married mavis you know when you had to say yes or no how did you make your mind up then i told him i'd think about it well it's not actually making your mind up is it i mean what was it about him i liked his clean fingernails yeah i know all right but i mean it's a very important decision in today so you know what finally decided you to say yes or no i thought i was pregnant how were you no you were going to make a suggestion to me granville of course you don't have to if you don't want to i'll understand no no i'm just going to suggest about the shampoo you know oh oh the shampoo oh but shall i need the one for dry hair or normal hair you got normal hair oh do you think so oh yes i've got the most normal hair of anybody i've ever met in my entire life oh ranville oh maybe oh yes that'll be so 16p thank you mavis will there be anything else today no no thank you mr arthritis maybe it's yours it's mine well i can't stand here all day just uh you know just seeing what uh shampoo suited her best oh yes let's hope she doesn't wear the pop in for bath salts oh hey what's up with you yeah it's a bit it's a bit nippy in here i don't find it chilly at all no no it's nippy in the money belt the money belt's hitting belts oh i think you're right i think i have put on a couple of pounds since i wore it last i've told you it'd be too small for you come on sit down if you can't walk with me no no i've tried that that's worse it's like it's the yeah i've got those old coins in there as well yeah they're solid silver before 1922 you know oh yes no i know exactly where they are now under lock and key i like you know that and when i try to sit down a bit get careless my god i'm i'm reminded look you can't take the nurse out walking like that i'll soon get the hang of things [Laughter] i think i better rephrase that question you look like the hunch crotch of notre dame [Music] won't be a minute what's he doing he's just finishing off page five of what a list of instructions what have you got there this is suitcase oh god i thought that was something you were taking to the dustbin covery talk don't let anybody see it i'll develop his spending muscle if it's the last thing i do i hope he's bringing some money with him don't worry about that boy is he bringing some money with him now what's he doing what are you walking like that for you're getting an old man listen if we're that all why do we have to add to two rooms we're having two rooms come on week let's go if we go in yes you can drive oh look after it granville it's me it's me life's work just keep a friendly smile on your face for the customers and something they're solid and reliable to belt the shoplifters with oh can you pick them up i'm faster [Laughter] do you think you've pulled something you i hope i wouldn't want to be going through all this for nothing that government squeeze is beginning to park now what don't forget mrs duckingfield's tuba brown loaves engraved on me art is mrs duck and fields do brown loaves hey don't forget to lock up properly tonight all right all right and remember what i told you no cricket credit oh hey all right right then we finally got you away from that damn shop well where are we heading the dales the lakes the coast what did we stop in here for yeah you wanted a hotel didn't you not here well what what's wrong with here it's a very very nice class of all tell this i'll tell you what's wrong with ear hey it's not a very nice class of hotel and b it's only a few hundred yards from your damn shop oh no nonsense it must be hundreds of a hundred yards from the shop we don't want to be there driving all night do we anyway supposing that granville suddenly needs me back there i'd go straight back home on your damn face my mother oh now come on we'll have a nice meal then later on if he stays fine we might fancy a little late nights a stroll around your bedroom i'm not going anywhere with a bent old man look at you straighten yourself off for she's coming she's coming i've made a breakthrough into adult pastimes farewell model aircraft ah i may now never finish that battleship oh well that's that's me lost forever to scouting circles no more long lonely walks with me trying to pretend i'm clued into the music scene me milk woman's coming oh my god she's coming i mean what do you say to an ex-married person of wide experience i mean you know what do we got in common besides a daily pinter she may be overflowing with the milk of human kindness but suppose i lose me bottle that was a lovely meal what are you gazing at in the moonlight with your soulful eyes oh yeah you're just looking and looking for nightingales my love nightingales on a main road in traffic like that he never knows how some of them might be commuting it's some other kind of bird no it's not look wait you're damn sharp you're still threatening about that flaming shop well you can go back to your shop i'm going home no no no you don't go home i paid for the night what are you doing here and not quite as well as you're doing here maybe i'll i'll be back in a minute um i've left something boiling over i'll bet you it's no good i can't face my mother oh besides how can i leave you here all crippled and twisted like this i know i'll sit up with you tonight oh and tomorrow morning you're going straight to the doctors who's he got in there and then the milk woman oh god is it that time already oh that's this stuff jen something to warm her up where is she it's all right for you you've ruined my evening oh yeah that's too young where's nurse gladys she's in the lobby oh why is she sitting up all night with you any rule because she thinks i'm a useless orca you see little does she realize the miraculous cure i'm about to undergo when i produce the magic key to unlock myself from this lower abdominal strangler the magic key that's where did i put that magic key look up i can't find the key granville i've look i've lost a key leave me alone but you're a nurse you wouldn't take five minutes all i would need will be a local anaesthetic like you sitting on me chest i'm not performing illegal operations on mean old men in the middle of the night wear it and suffer look i've giggled i've got some lovely little hacksaw blades they're a new line they're just right for removing their money belt don't risk it i might be tempted to cut you off without a chilling nasty oh oh that's better oh now then if i can just slip this back in here without anybody oh look at that it's as good as new which is more than can be said before my anatomy i've set myself back a few weeks for gladys failed to explore an inviting new commodity as they say in the grocery trade still it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good i caught our granville just in time before he committed himself irrevocably to northern dairies i can't help worrying about that lad you don't like to think of anybody that age ruining his life by having more fun than you [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] ah ah how much are these mr arkham oh that'll be nine nine nine nine that'll be nine i'll give us and a large slice loaf and a tube of instant adhesive oh yeah you were cutting the sandwiches for the women's guild choir again are you yeah spread that on nice and thick that'll keep them quiet so you're going to paslo's funeral yes yes even though it's a very unlikely you'll ever go to mine don't build it two pounds of sugar come on four pass low he went very quick at the end he went there very quick at both ends you know he was in here on tuesday last year ordering ale or the largest life what's so large about life so far my life's been about three foot nine so no magic no magnificence about it oh you mean you you bought that aftershave for nothing cars love's been married a long time how's this widow bearing up oh lily oh fairly well yes well i always knew she drew great strength from the fact that there was a better life to come with him from albion street either where will he marry and now she's free there's many a slip tweets the rug in the cape you know he's snookered he's looking doomed already no he'll not be at the funeral but i bet if there's one person that's really broken up about past low being death it's him from albion street why's you know i never get involved in these powerful little human dramas here almost not as though i'm not available i mean you think the word would get about that here i am on the threshold of manhood willing to be cork started me bicycle clips i mean i could be lured away from stacking carrots by the first determined mature woman to come along well practically the first listen have you ever weighed them sultanas yes well that's no substitute is it how old is he now i didn't tell him in case he asked for a rise there are so many problems in life i sometimes wonder where we get the strength to carry on you're not carrying on are you busy blew it hey you're not so snappy in a few forbidden the moments of happiness are you i'm not snatching anything that's a good girl i was talking about the energy for carrying on living for making the daily effort to put a cheerful face on things oh when are you going to start monday oh i didn't think that was like the mrs blewett i knew though gave me a moment's pause there when you said that yes i thought hell i thought if lovers walk right in then that's the last time she's going to come to me for a dr brownlow's a chester poultice well looks like a nice fresh day for your funeral parcel and thank you very much for the order for the boiled ham and the buns for the catering so i must say if it had been left to me you'd have to have twice as many echoes cakes for a start no doubt lily was working on the assumption that you didn't want much fuss yeah well we both know that's untrue don't we but if you have any objections parcel and now's the time to speak out you know look at that suit eh they're 50 shilling tailors do you remember this 50 barbie oh how about that yeah i couldn't get one for a fiver now oh well parcel though you certainly went very sudden but don't think you'll be forgotten all lad no i shall always remember the way you still owe me for that crate and not brown hail [Music] [Music] [Laughter] [Music] laughs [Applause] you know it's about time that that bread man turned up with them her phones for the funeral i hope he brings the bonds for the funeral at all all right all right all right her parcel never flopped his words did he but he has has also snuffled it doesn't he that what killed him was it elocution anyway what time are you supposed to be going out i don't know whether i dare go out and leave you here alone with all them big words you've got no head for business have you huh your other end's not very impressive when you come to think of it i don't know where are we going with our lives hey i mean the struggle what's it all in aid of the morning of a funeral of course you'd give you some moments for concern well don't sit on the penny jews i mean where is it all leading to the people don't want to eat a penny to you when it's been sat on haven't you ever stopped to consider about the quality of life i would do if i have to eat that penny chew look at his old bent do you know what that sound is all that is yes i do that's the fight bell it means a second's out let's get some more money in the blue corner no that is life passing us by that is mortality old age sickness death well that reminds me we're getting very low on mothballs ask not for whom the bell tolls it tolls for thee just as long as it doesn't try to reverse the charges that's all well aren't you gonna answer it no it maybe told him for thee they answer it yes hello oh yes would you hold on please mrs parslow oh dear hello lily it's me oh oh how did you know oh yes yes i've al i've ordered the buns love yes they'll be here when they get here i'll keep me we'll pick them up on the way to the chapel is i don't want to leave this lad any longer than necessary you see yes how are you coping well yes you will be busy won't you yes well you might almost expect to be busy mustn't you miss once in a lifetime isn't it i suppose parcel is no help he's lying on his back as usual yeah oh in that in the front room as he or we've finally made it yeah i'll be i'll be wiped these boots eh oh yeah oh hang on lily i just heard formula one the bread man arriving i will be your mom's coming yes tat i'll see you later nice morning granville all right what are we gonna do with it we're gonna hold this door open for me i'll all right we're not gonna rush out and and live every sweet golden moment of it though are we not unless we go on the shop bike and make a few deliveries while we're at it no hey you're you're late you know traffic traffic or yes you start by a big bollard in bridge street that holds things up and it then he gets on his bicycle and pedals back to the station hey it's getting worse you know on early on a nasty shunting lobster oh did you don't tell me you had to swerve to avoid hurricane cake shop's husband i'm not like that mr right get off you drive like a family planner right now never know when you're gonna pull out in the middle of the road now i'll keep on looking in on you i'm making a little list of everything you've got to do you see you won't be alone for long so there don't worry about it i'm not worried you're the one that's worried look it's my business that's at risk if you ruin it isn't it what in one morning world water two starting in one morning and look what that did to the grocery business all right all right come on put that down put it down on your list you know in the instructions for what i have to do in case of another outbreak in hostilities here you're getting very sarcastic grandma you are you think i'm i'm just a dry old man don't you in love with the profit motive you charged all past lords widow full price for them buns you're a mean old scroll i said a wreath literally hurry i look more like a buttonhole well i can explain that so can i you're a mean old scroll listen i went and priced a normal wreath then all i did was eddie duck what he owed me for that crater not brown ale your own best friend well yes he was when he was alive yeah i mean me and parcel had many a giggle you know but i mean you see him now he's not much fun you should remember him as he was i do full of life full of brown ale mine mostly no listen while i am out i want you you to behave in a proper little shopkeeper-like manner does that understand i know i know i know exactly it's a big smile of welcome if he's a cash customer show all your teeth meanwhile your hand should be hovering just a few inches from her purse and then you make casual conversation like oh good afternoon we she's a thing of me bob and how's all your little pear prepare the foul naughts and fifty people go bring your money in again if that's very good that i should i should work on that impersonation if i were you it might be the start of a long career in hospital there's a whole world outside that door that i've never even sampled you have nearly had the wrappers off that memories once or twice i'm not talking about that i'm talking about adventure romance the arts i mean i mean when did we last have a natter about despair in the works of dostoyevsky oh man must be ages what do you think of modern theater filth you see well what can we talk about life your dogsy prong life it's all going on out there up and down the street in and out the windows it's not in books you've got your head for full of intellectual theater fluff it's an intellectual world and then look where he's got us where's my tea oh what do you fancy for your dinner well not a lot we shall be having a bite at the funeral of course oh yeah we who's we well she'll be going why she be a blesser the nurse gladys emanuel that's what you want granville ha ha fine woman with a with a fine big heart hey there too if possible beats all your books hmm i suppose it must do especially if you read a lot in bed yeah you see your hands get so called a hole in the paper back don't we but you can get hold of a good woman without your hands ever leaving the underside of the blankets a warm sausage roll i shouldn't be a total surprise for your dinner oh oh yes yes yes well i won't want anything cold and not with parcel the way he is nurse gladys emanuel put that sausage away at once ah well and well what can i do you for two packets of peppermints oh that sounds very reasonable i accept what do you want uh extra strong do you want you know me arkwright moderation in all things i say you have her come up a treat dallas emanuel meaning i usually look like some sort of slumly old bag no not some sort of slovenly old bag my favorite sort of that's lovely no i'm only joking no i think the funerals bring out the best in a woman you know i think it is a life's reaction in the in the face of death on the other hand it could be you're just a dirty old man yes it could it could i like that blouse you've got on there oh i'd like to browse through that blouse one afternoon when it's wet you know i'll send it over next time i wash it all right all right you win there you are medium strong now are we going to have cash or shall we come to some little arrangement over the counter eh oh it's the filthy luca is it all right then i accepted on one condition that you saved me a nice warm seat next to you in the chapel eh and not too near the band i mean if i'm not sitting next to you i shall chant in your other funeral at all well you are coming then certainly i'm coming you don't think i'm wearing this suit to impress the bread man do you i bet parslow's wearing a better one than that and he's going to be cremated not getting rid of this he keeps coming back into fashion this the last of the big spenders you are arc right there's two miracles i've always found difficult to believe the opening of the red sea and your wallet look i am trying to scrape together a few bob so we can have a honeymoon we're supposed to get married first no that was in the old days nowadays it is it's all a self-service now isn't it not round here it isn't oh very well then if it'll make you feel better i'll marry you yes now then name the day any bank holiday between now and christmas and who's going to look after me mother ah now i've been thinking about that now i saw this whole film the other night you see and about peter cushing he had something like your mother which he kept in a dungeon underneath the cuff and he had a little red eyes it was a very hairy and it had milk oh she's the first person i've met doesn't like peter cushing [Music] um [Music] [Music] [Laughter] hmm [Music] [Music] don't upset yourself lily we'll get the buns in [Music] if mrs ellie wells in a good mood try to talk her into something extravagant for the bathroom are you sure you'll be all right i'll be all right [Music] park right in granville's of course i'm all right you've already been gone ten minutes where are you speaking from oh i see does he know you're in his study using the telephone while he's out there preaching no go back to the chapel and don't forget to leave the money for the call you are the telephone's bright red maybe you got on the hotline i should get off before we hear another voice on the line look i keep telling you i'm all right oh yes we had a nice lot of customers in only one goal yeah a bus just came through the wall no no no no no we've nearly got the fire under control it's alright don't start stuttering i'm only pulling your leg that's a nice thing to say over a chapel telephone [Music] [Applause] [Music] feet [Music] please [Music] [Applause] [Music] is [Music] i'm going to change [Music] me [Music] oh [Music] [Music] do you want any eggs mr wilkinson so that's the way your mind's working these days what where mr wilkinson eggs granville do you want any mr wilkinson you'll start thinking about eggs next thing you know you'll be encouraging your mind to dwell on the reproductive cycle you'll not find the four-letter word eggs on my shopping list granville give em up lad turn your back on him keep yourself clean i do mr wilkinson i do i'll have two ounces of licorice torpedoes they'll take your mind away from eggs i'm not against all forms of pleasure it can be a great bird in granville being holier than everybody else but i enjoy it what do you enjoy that good health mr wilkinson that reminds me i want a new battery oh shaver torch i know where to find them in the bushes after dark eggs no out of wedlock oh them bushes they soon get worn out i beg you batteries oh yes i expect they would if you lose them like that next time you'll feel desperate for a neglect pause and remember where it's come from the world's full of nasty places what do you have with your bacon mr wilkinson fried bread lad the wholesome loaf we know where that's come from don't we that randy little bread man delivers it mr wilkinson you're holding everything up i wish you wouldn't make these provocative statements it'd be quite like old times for barcelona and never used to go by without stopping you know and i thought i'd pop in just as i was passing oh there's no need i'm all right well i thought you might think is that funny if i went past the road end and then didn't log in on you bobby hey you'll be late for the crematorium oh it's all right they can clog on a bit instead of crawling hey we're doing all right aren't we as has mrs ellis bear been in for her bread yeah yes and did you save them little brown brown rolls for mrs mukherjee yes how skilled has kid been in yet no not yet uh well if he gets a troublesome yeah you know where the drawing pins are don't you huh just pin him to the door by his socks i'll try to get back for that big rush when they all go get off the bus big rush it's only four or five people all at once i've put years into this business granville i know you put years on me you keep on checking up on me but you know even when pass on me was at school you know when we uh when we used to discuss the future it was always the same then you know i knew what i wanted i wanted my own business but people were like that in them days you know you could go for weeks without ever seeing a soul who worked for the state you know nowadays if you put all the government officials end to end i doubt if anyone had noticed how did all parcel want to be i don't know i don't think he knew exactly but i'm damn sure it wasn't that out there well you better get going all parcels getting impatient yes it's all them flowers you know but very bad for his hay fever been a funny all day all right that's for me and all that shot bells never stopped ringing half the time it was you i told you i don't like to be away from the shop for too long oh in that case what's all this loose chat you've been giving me about going on honeymoon oh well there are some things for which i'm willing to make an exception uh have you had an onion tonight yet no what sort of exceptions ah now's your chance nurse the world is your oyster he'll take you anywhere within cycling distance listen well why don't you go out and enjoy yourself eh granville eh or well go out anyway you're always squawking about never having any dime off let me see the rest of the day's be on look at that it's nearly bedtime that's true not round here it isn't not if i don't get a decent honeymoon no all right well where do you want to go then tahiti spoken to suggestions what did you have in mind well i thought we might borrow dicky jowett's boat and cruise the inland waterways where exactly well i quite favor the stretch of canal between here and the mulberry street huh well don't go all national health about it i mean it's all water ain't it how can you tell it's such a mucky color and if we got all the way to exotic mowbray street you'd barely be able to hear the shot bell that little parcel wish he could go to tahiti listen where he's gone this afternoon's not enough for anybody you're not leaving us are you i'm going to tuck my mother in oh pity you didn't tuck her in with parslow listen why don't you come back later and have one of my special nightcaps he's going out you know i don't think i'll bother i'll go out i'll go out see what's happening i think oh yeah what it must be like to be young hurry back laddies hurt her ring the bell won't you i'm making no promises good night granville oh don't send him out on his own no don't fret about me there's so much to do i mean the whole town's a buzz sometimes if you're lucky you can find all sorts of moths to watch [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Louis Walkden

Views: 355,721

Rating: 4.6839728 out of 5

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Id: ZL6dnw1Btwg

Length: 90min 33sec (5433 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 27 2021