One Question A Narcissist Will Never Ask You (But You Should Ask Yourself)

[Music] as I talk with you about the topic of narcissism one of the things that I'm hoping to accomplish is to stimulate in you ideas and thoughts about how you can be most effective in the way that you do relationships and how you manage yourself from the inside out and one primary characteristic that I'm hoping that you can build upon is the characteristic of curiosity healthy people come into relationships with a real strong sense that says I'd like to get to know you I'd like to know who you are and how you think I know with with the kind of work that I do there's just a natural curiosity than I'm actually expected to have and I like it I run with it I want to know what's going on with you right now and why do you feel the way you do and what's your backstory and how did you arrive at the place that you are at this point in your life what can I know about you so that I can engage with you most effectively that's what I do as a therapist but you know you don't have to be a therapist in order to think that way in order to communicate with others that way now let's recognize that narcissus oh they may at times seem to have a certain curiosity about you but kind of sort of but not really they do like to pick up on information about you so that they can store it in their minds and then later on they might be able to use it against you when they're needing to you know manipulate you or exploit you or try to coerce you into doing their bidding often when narcissists ask questions they have more of a of a put-down kind of effect as opposed to that curiosity for example they can just say something point-blank like what's wrong with you anyway or where did you come up with that idea or do you think that I'm supposed to be impressed by what you just said or do you do you think that I care what you would think or who do you think you are or another variation of that do you know who I am you know so when they come at you they don't come with you with the notion that says I really want to know you more fully and you will not get that so here's the one question that I can virtually guarantee that you will not hear from a narcissist ready for it who do you want to be I like that question who do you want to be now the implication is as we interact with each other rather than thinking it's my job to superimpose my will upon you know part of my role with other individuals is to help them become the best of what they can be just as I'm trying to do the same for my side of the equation now there are many variations to that question who do you want to be for example I might ask something quite similar what makes sense to you or I may make a statement like I just like to know what you think or I want you to feel included or how about this I know this is your life so I want you to have the final say you will not hear narcissus say something like that or just by asking that question who you want to be it's my way of saying I hold you in high regard that's what you're gonna get when you hang out with me now when you're dealing with a narcissist whether they actually say it or not they have all sorts of things that they're trying to accomplish and it's not anything at all of an uplifting kind of way narcissists want to superimpose they prefer to invalidate they'll ridicule they will belittle you they'll dismiss you they can ignore you they can get up out of the room and go somewhere else and they can run smear campaigns they may blow up at you they may argue and then argue some more you see when they respond to you and your differences and with those kinds of reactions that illustrates that lack of curiosity rather than thinking wait a minute you and I are at different places here and rather than thinking who do you want to be their goal is to say let me tell you who you need to be now let me go back with you here for just a minute I want us to to kind of think about how kids can be brought up to have that natural curiosity about themselves and how they do lives first let's recognize that when children are very small you know preschool and early grade school we tend to talk with them in functional kind of ways here's how you need to do this this is the procedure we need to take care of a before we can do B you know things like that and it's about tends to be on a very basic level but as a child grows and their life becomes a little bit more complex and they're realizing that there are many other people out there who have different thoughts and in ways it's good to teach a child to have what I call emotional competence now I want you to think about the way that authority figures spoke with you let's suppose you're 10 or 11 years old and you have a conflict with someone else unfortunately many authority figures do what that narcissist later on might do and they just start telling you what to do quit this and do that instead but in the healthy kind of relating and in that development authority figures might ask instead I can tell that you're struggling with this person over here and that's creating a lot of frustration let's talk about your options at a time like this in other words who do you want to be and then that authority figure if necessary can help you sift through the various options that you have and discuss the pros and cons with you anybody ever talk with you like that and then in addition as you age let's say you're a teenager and a young adult then those authority figures can expand the way that they engage with that curiosity and they might bring abstract thoughts to you for example it might be that that person is still creating frustration and so they may say something like yeah I can tell that this is something that it's just an ongoing strain let's talk about what your beliefs are I know that you believe in treating people with dignity and respect and yet here are some people over here that don't seem to they haven't read that memo yet they don't seem to treat you that way how do you suppose you can manage even when other people aren't coordinated with you and and we can walk you through those kind of things in other words who do you want to be now you'll notice that when I ask that question who do you want to be I'm going beyond what you're supposed to do the doing is part of the functional stuff and that has its place but the beings the being question implies there's something on the inside of you and that's your essence it's just what makes up your personality that I want to make sure that we look into on a very significant basis so when we ask other individuals and they ask of us the same kind of question who do you want to be there are various implications there aren't there for example that question implies you have a free will and I think it would be reasonable for you to use your freewill now that's a tough one narcissists don't want you to have that sense of freewill and in fact even those of us who are normal we can sometimes forget that because when we have let's say an argument or a disagreement with someone that's real close to us we tend to go into that coercive or bossy or critical mode and we kind of talk in snippy ways wait a minute rather than doing that instead we can kind of slow down and I can ask that other person who do you want to be and then I can also ask myself that same question and in this moment who do I want to be free will you get to choose just as I get to choose freedom means we each have the privilege to choose well this has another strong implication and that is you don't ultimately have to filter everything about you through those domineering individuals in your life they want you to the narcissist want you to think oh yeah I've got my way and I'm the one that's in charge I'm the one that's the smart one around here so you need to filter everything through me no I get to make my own decisions based through the grid that I come up with which also implies fear doesn't have to guide you as you engage with other individuals the person who simply wants to tell you who to be rather than asking who would you like to be they want you to be afraid of them but instead when we ask that question who you want to be what we're doing is we're building upon trust in your self do you trust yourself have you allowed yourself to take counsel from within yourself thinking well what makes sense to me and can I believe in my decision-making capabilities I know many people who have just collapsed underneath the weight of that narcissistic relationship it's like I've just lost myself well what I'm hoping we can do is we can rebuild your sense of well-being from the inside out as we ask who do you want to be the the implication of that question is ultimately you're the one who gets to write the script for your life you may have had all sorts of other individuals who will say no I'm the one who writes the script and I'm the one who directs the play really see you know I'm gonna go with the assumption that that I'll conclude with here and that is I live with me 100% of the time so ultimately it's my responsibility to determine who I am my decisions about me count I hope that you can think that way and I hope that you'll ask yourself many times over who do you want to be I do hope that videos such as this will stimulate some good thinking and you'll notice that as I speak with you in this way remember my my little phrase that I'm using dr. C stands for dr c stands for dignity respects ability i want us to learn how to speak those characteristics into one and I want you to learn how to have those ingredients within yourself that you draw upon on a regular basis if you've not yet subscribed to our channel I would invite you to do so hit that button beneath us in addition but although you'll see some tabs one of it and you can sign up for our email list and we can we'll have bonus videos and articles and other kind of promotions that we'll be sending in your direction if you have a need for online counseling I know some of you don't have availability right there in front of you where people can help you sift out some of the things that we're talking about we have a link that will help you in that regard I also have some online workshops in my books they're links there so certainly I would encourage you to avail yourself to that the bottom line is this I really do want you to feel comfortable in knowing that you get to be the author of your own script that being said I wish you peace I wish you goodness along the way [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 106,021

Rating: 4.9462366 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, narcissist, narcissisitic personality disorder, narcissism in relationships, anger, self help, mental health, Dr. Les Carter

Id: AwhvPdS92Ts

Length: 12min 9sec (729 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 17 2019