TEN LAME EXCUSES MADE BY NARCISSISTS

let's begin today by making a very basic observation about relationships and that is they're not perfect sometimes you just make mistakes or you misunderstand one another or they're miscalculations or sometimes you're just completely oblivious to what another person is saying or thinking or feeling sometimes you wind up arguing and using a tone of voice that really is not at all healthy and productive and so you expose yourself as being someone who doesn't have it all together at all times now as long as this is not an ongoing abusive and terrible kind of trend you know I can live with the fact that imperfections are there the way I look at it is you take two imperfect people and put them in a relationship you're not going to have a perfect relationship so healthy people acknowledge that and they resolve among themselves to say when our flaws when our imperfections are shown let's talk it out now I wonder how many of you are interacting though with that narcissistic kind of person who does not talk it out in a very helpful or helpful or constructive way they go straight into the making of lame excuses and you know what I'm talking about they just want to blame everybody else I've actually jotted down ten lame excuses that we often hear from narcissists and by the way you may be able to think of more beyond the list of ten that I have and if you want to put them in the comment section I'd like to see what you have and I think our other listeners would like to hear from you as well and then I want to talk about you know why people do this in the first place and as you have much better understanding of this then perhaps you can determine how not to get pulled into fruitless and kind of interactions for example cleaning when you're dealing with a narcissist who's making an excuse number one one of their their favorite excuses is but I was right now it doesn't matter if they were screaming or they were being very inappropriate or rude or rejecting when you call them out rather than saying you you got me on that and I need to improve they still go back look like a dog that just keeps going back to a bone they just won't let it go in this life well I know you're asking for an apology but I need you to acknowledge first how correct I am and they get stuck on that because that's part of their need to be superior and in control and they just don't receive input because those are defining features of narcissism or how about another lame excuse and that is you don't know what you're talking about so you try to call them out on something and even if it's glaringly obvious it's like no I don't think you got it right because guess who's the keeper of correctness kind of like the first lame excuse well it's the narcissist and so if you say well we need to do things better it's like now I don't know that I need to hear from you because you're never correct anyway you don't know what you're talking about or how about a third lame excuse and that is well if you had been more responsible we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place and so let's suppose that the narcissist is being loud and obnoxious or stubborn or but are harsh toward you and you say something to the effect of I don't want to interact with you if this is the way it's going to be instead of saying I get it what they'll say is well the whole reason we're at this place and the reason I did this because well these things wouldn't be happening if you weren't the person that you are and again they want to put it back on to you let's keep in mind if they if they actually acknowledge they're wrong in their minds they're putting themselves in a subordinate kind of position and they can't do that in addition they live with a false self that they must maintain they've constructed an Oso nough that they want everybody to believe and so when you call them out and say this is not good they just can't deal with it because they're their ego is very weak and very damaged so to say that they make mistakes they can't do it so they just push it back and blame it on you or how about a fourth lame excuse and that is hey that's just the way I am or I'm just being real this is me deal with it and so rather than than even sidestepping it it's like yeah if I yelled at you that's the way I am anybody ought to understand that when I do it it's okay or maybe a fifth lame excuse that a narcissist might make and that is I just the kind of person that it's going to tell it like it is or I don't pull any punches or I'm just a straight shooter and I'm all for telling it like it is and I'm all for being a straight shooter but that's not what they're really meaning what they're saying is if I feel like saying something I'll just say it if you don't like it that's tough and it actually is their way of indicating that they have a very low level of empathy I don't care how you're reacting to me I don't care how it makes you feel I don't care I'd make you feel and that's that's just the way they engage with you or how about another one well if you're just looking for sympathy you're not going to find it here so let's suppose that there's been a miscalculation a blender and all of that and you you let them know hey this is not working out well for me then they can come up with the you know I have to just play my violin for you you poor pitiful you and they kind of go into a sarcastic mode and a harshness it's their way of saying again your feelings mean nothing to me or a seventh lame excuse and that is you know these kinds of problems never happened to me before you came along and the implication is my life as I do it well it's pretty close to ideal and the only thing that that's not ideal in my life is you so if I do something that's wrong well you're gonna have to do some soul-searching and to figure out why you made my life miserable that's the way their trysts twisted thinking can play out or how about another one sometimes when there's been some real bad behavior on that person's part they can actually say I'm actually the victim here I've actually known some folks who have been really angry and harsh and mean-spirited in the way that they have responded someone and when you call them out it's like okay you know what maybe I did have a bad episode there but look what you did to me and so they play the victim card I've actually known men who have been on the giving end of domestic abuse and then when they're called out it's like well you don't know what it's like living with this person that I have to live with and so they like to play that victim card or another lame excuse and that is you are just asking for trouble anyway and so once again rather than taking responsibility then they just put it back on you and then how about this one and this is a real common one a lame excuse you know stuff happens actually sometimes they don't see it quite that politely stuff happens so deal with it and they don't acknowledge that there's a problem from what they and the way they've treated you it's just like heaven when you hang around with me sometimes you get crummy stuff and you're just going to learn how to deal with it that's just the way it is now listening to those lame excuses I can imagine that many of you are thinking oh I hear that kind of stuff all the time and you ask why do people like that narcissists go into this high Excuse giving kind of mode well there are several thoughts here first and foremost they don't want to be held responsible for their humanity for their mistakes it implies that that they in fact are deficient and they that that's a very scary thought for them to say you know they can say something very broad like I know I'm not perfect I mean how many times you heard stuff like that and then it comes the next word but then they throw it back on you they don't want to have to admit their their deficiencies than their mistakes because that's just something that's that's very difficult for them see let's pick up on another thought which is a very close alliance to this and that is narcissistic people tend to be very shame in the way that they think they were probably exposed to a great deal of shame in their earlier years they learned that when when things didn't go well then you were to be mistreated or spoken to in an awful kind of way and so they learned how to give out shame as they aged and so if you call them out and saying you've blundered then many times in their mind they're already thinking well so you're trying to put shame on me right and to say that you made a mistake is not the same thing as saying I'm trying to put shame on you I'm just saying you made a mistake let's talk about it but their their way of thinking is so clouded by that shameful type of history that they don't know how to objectively approach mistakes and miscalculations or they they another reason that people go into the blame mode is they don't want to be seen as being a loser whenever you show your humanity you miscalculate or you misunderstand or you just didn't read a situation very well and you respond poorly well to to presume that you will say yes that indeed is the case well the in their mind it means yeah and you're asking me to say that I'm a loser and I'm not about to because you're the loser in this they have to stay in the superior position and so because of that then they simply cannot discuss what's obvious to everyone else or how about the another explanation and that is a narcissistic kind of people tend to be rather lazy in the way that they manage emotions you know the bottom line is whenever you have relational or emotional issues it requires some work to get through them it requires that you slow down and think things through in a very careful kind of way and rather than the narcissist saying hmm I wonder what that means or I wonder what I can learn about this which requires a certain kind of mental exercise and work it's like now I'm not going to do that it's your fault end of discussion so basically you can see that when in the narcissus goes into that lame excuse making mindset they're revealing a great deal of emptiness on the inside they're they're presuming that to show and to discuss their humanity means that they're being graded in a very low kind of way and their mind simply is not able to manage that you know interestingly the way I like to look at these kind of things is you can tell more about a person not necessarily by the mistakes they make but by the way they respond in the aftermath of the mistakes and so I'm hoping that as you hear these kinds of excuses rather than making it your task to put that narcissist in a straightened up kind of mode because it's not going to happen you can at least see what's going on and you can separate yourself off from very unhealthy or detrimental kinds of discussions that are going to do nothing but dig the hole even deeper so learn how to detach learn how to unhook and whatever you need to do you don't need to just try to convince somebody of something they just absolutely don't want to be convinced of so this is why so many folks just finally decide you know if I'm living with somebody who's this way perpetually I'm gonna have to keep a very minimal level of expectations for where this relationship is going to go now I hope that you find these videos helpful and I would encourage that as you do find it helpful that you would go down below the video here and punch the the subscription that the subscribe button we'd love to have you on board with us and also below you'll notice that I had books and other kinds of things there that would be video that would be resources that I hope that you can make good you so glad to have you on board with the surviving narcissism Network

Channel: undefined

Views: 204,793

Rating: 4.9377103 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, narcissist, Dr. Les Carter, Defensiveness, communication, conflict management, anger, marriage, divorce, mental health, psychology, counsleing

Id: BCdV8gd0-jI

Length: 12min 58sec (778 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 03 2019