Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show (7/23/99)

on abc please welcome our buddy norm mcdonald [Music] [Applause] that was funny when you said pb herman everybody laughed because they still think of him well never mind because he's trying to get his career back going he's doing fine no i have no problem actually what i think what he did in that movie theater because it was a dirty movie theater i think it was kind of like just applause you know what i mean like in a regular but it's funny how everybody still remembers that even though he's trying his career yes yes yes and he'll appreciate you bringing it up now how was your summer going huh well what are you doing what are you been up to what are you doing you're a big star you've got a tv show what kind of hipsters i've been what do you think i've been doing kind of like celebrities i played celebrity softball with kevin yeah remember that that was cool man your buddy got hurt right that's right my buddy got hurt yeah man my buddy already right and uh he was uh sliding into third base and he like cracked his ankle he broke his ankle yeah so then there was this other jackass on our team this guy from baywatch remember that dude and so he thought it was like a joke so he started like fake humping my buddy my buddy's like oh man huh but then i went and i'm doing a lot of celebrity stuff yeah and i went in a celebrity golf tournament you play golf yeah yeah i suck at it though i'm real bad but because i'm a celebrity as you know i i get to play right yeah and play with like civilians people pay big money to get a chance to play with you get a chance to play with me and it's like me this is how it works it's me i'm the celebrity as you know the uh the golf pro and then this businessman that spends a lot of money to to get the celebrity and so i go to that they show me where to go right to meet my select my uh club pro and my famous business i mean my business man and so then i go there and the businessman's there and he's talking to me and goes hey uh he goes i wonder who our celebrity is right [Applause] it's very embarrassing when you have to identify yourself as the celebrity right it's horrible so i'm like no no i'm a celebrity right he goes you are and i go yeah no i swear to god i am right and uh so it was horrible like as we're playing golf he's and i'm trying to convince him and then meanwhile the guy up in the next the businessman up in the next hole in front of us he had uh chatchi you know chachi scott bale yeah he's got bail yeah yeah i couldn't remember his name and this dude couldn't either but he's like hey chachi's all excited because that's why he paid all the money to have a see an actual celebrity yeah and he's got me and he's like he keeps looking hey man that's chachi right and uh so i just want to make him feel like so i go yeah i know him you know i don't know him really but i want the famous businessman to get something out of this for his money right so i'm like oh yeah yeah i know chachi i go he's actually he's shy in real life and just making up stuff you know so then we get clogged up the 16th and island green so you know people get clogged up at the hole when you know it i'm sitting there's chachi so the businessman hey can you introduce me to jirachi right and we still don't know the guy's real name [Applause] so i can't say hey businessman cha-chi you know so i had to go and whisper to chachi it was a horrible moment but i had to go listen man the guy didn't know i'm a really doesn't even believe i'm a celebrity i don't know your name it was a horrible thing but it turned out all right and everybody had a good time and we went and visited some sick kids and they didn't recognize me it either horrible he's like a sick child and i'm like wasting his last precious moments trying to try to describe what happened [Laughter] [Applause] that's nice to see you doing a lot of good noise i'm trying i need to become a bigger celebrity yeah well you're you're from canada how do i become big enough a big enough celebrity where where like uh i can get a liver right away if i need a liver that guy gets a liver you know once i get that famous i'm going to start boozing you know getting people to punch me in the liver and everything you're a big celebrity in canada that's your your home country oh yeah yeah but many canadians sure yeah in canada you're huge yeah i'm someone no i'm not real huge but i'm i'm a bit of a celebrity there yeah so what did you do when you first moved to the u.s what was like one of the first things the first thing i did i did the show international star search you know the show star search with ed mcmahon he had this one international star search so i went on that and i was from canada you know i i represented canada sure and then i was on against a dude from africa and another dude from uh uh australia and uh man i sucked that was horrible you know and the dude they were like super international you know they were like the guy from africa had like a whole tribal thing a road cheeky the whole thing yeah he had a hat right and uh same with the guy from australia had like a safari thing and a hat and i didn't have a hat and also were you supposed to do material about your country yeah you were supposed to do it about cat i didn't realize until i got there and my jokes all sucked you know and uh oh my god everybody nobody laughed and not even ed mcmahon he didn't even know yeah that ed laughs at anything i know that's the guy's job well you know we we called ed and that was kind enough to send us we have you got that thing we haven't no way no i don't want to see them no no i hate that no look it's good take a look here you are a usa welcome to norm mcdonald thanks good to be here i'm uh feeling great uh i finally quit smoking you know so i'm feeling pretty good about that i uh i smoked it when i was a kid so it was kind of tough for me you know i remember once i was eight years old a little kid behind my garage sneaking a cigarette back there and my dad caught me he hulled me and i thought i was able to strap into my life you know what he did is he pulled out a big cigar must have been half the size of my arm this giant cigar stuck in my mouth lit it up made me smoke it all the way through right to the end and that's when i started smoking cigars real heavy [Applause] [Music] what was your numerical score do you remember uh it stands i got three quarters of a star there was four got four i figured out how to happen there was four judges three of them must give me one and one dirty bastard gave me zero and i think it was that robin leech son of a there's a lot [ __ ] those self-hating canadians [Applause] now tell us about the norm show you look like you're having fun oh yeah the norm show yeah that's on the tv it's uh you know something it's called norm now they have to change the norms do you have trouble memorizing your lines sometimes yeah i suck so bad at that oh yeah i'm the worst you try first they were gonna call this is a weird thing they were gonna call the dude dave the guy who played the character dave and i could never every time a dude said another dude in the scene went hey dave i wouldn't even look you know and then they go cut they're wasting all this money you know so then finally the director goes can we just call him norm you know but uh yeah no memorizing holy lord every script probably has like six seven hundred words in it and you you have to memorize them all in order oh in order yeah horrible oh that's tough yeah and i'm just used to talking like you you know just showing up being a jackass no no no no i didn't mean you jay but me i'm used to no i understand i think that no i didn't mean you i'm not very sure sure but i'm just used to going on talking and being you know you know doing my stand-up and then you don't have to memorize everything word for word yeah yeah you know what i mean well i remember i don't have a paper in front of me right right you have a you have but see it's blank there's nothing on there it's a blank piece of paper look at that do you see that let me know what i want to ask you about i read because you play a social worker on this show and i read some social workers with pro they had stuff they were protesting you yeah yeah so actual social workers showed up and protested because when we when we wrote the show like i wrote a lot of the show and i don't know anything about social work and a lot of people told me hey you should research and i said wow how boring would that be you know so i just you know i just pretend i was a social worker and now they're protesting but you know they're only social workers they're not that dangerous it's not like no i mean you know if it was like the sopranos it'd be like mob dudes would show up third rock would be horrible space aliens protesting that can eat you they're harmless social workers yeah they're they're harmless unless you're well the show is very funny and it's a big hit yeah congratulations you mean you're a jacket that's fine i have a jackass ron mcdonald gentlemen right back [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: Babbage3

Views: 341,993

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Id: kVM2INoxd2w

Length: 9min 55sec (595 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 17 2021