A Tribute to Norm Macdonald

have you ever done anything in your long and storied career that you consider specifically to be in bad taste as you look back on it maybe at the time you thought it was a good play but you look back on you think that was in bad taste well sometimes like in stand-up i'll do jokes that are uh that i like one time i was doing this thing in san francisco and they were all gay uh people in the audience they told me so i figured out in san francisco no so i figured i'd do stuff about gay people so that they could relate to yeah let's warm up they love that and so i was talking about because i went to this gay pride parade and i saw in it there were these uh old men and old ladies like with these signs that said we are proud of our gay son you know and so i was saying that's an odd thing to be proud of you know because it's not an achievement you know it's not like something you work all your life to be gay or anything like that and i i just wanted i just i had a hard time believing that these 50 60 year old men are actually bragging you know it worked like they're hey bill you know uh my kid oh my god we're proud of him johnny he uh graduated from harvard you know a first in his class you know what i mean and now he's articling over at a law firm and oh yeah he loves [ __ ] this kid [Applause] he can't get enough [ __ ] in his mouth his ass his kid's always cooked i gotta i got a picture of the boy here sucking another man's [ __ ] i want to show it to you [Applause] so watch the maturation of you as an artist you realize it took you nine and a half minutes to get around to the second [ __ ] stop well thank you very much i'm very excited to be here you know and i was asked to host the svs this year yeah that's my name esme when i was asked to host the espys this year folks i said yes immediately for one reason and one reason only this show has [Applause] interns be having a little improper relations backstage a little later but man it's great to be here at the sixth annual espy award it's hard to believe now that the espys are six years old although uh although anthony mason swears they're 18. so yeah he'll be having sex with the espys in about 12 years so i wanted to talk about the crocodile hunter did you because i think yeah yeah you're going to make them sad because i think you know it was tragic at the time but i think [Applause] i don't know people calling me man they're shocked oh hey you wouldn't believe it who got killed the crocodile hunter don't please don't make me laugh at this this is not yours he was 44 years old i'm like that's a ripe old age for a crocodile that's not and you know who had to be pissed about it were the crocodiles because uh he got killed by some fruity fish and uh so you know you know the crocodiles were like hey man that crocodile hunter got killed who did it frank yeah you don't even want to know man please please don't do this anymore [Music] [Applause] bill man you had a chance when the guy go man i had a chance i had that mother he was he was tommy with a stick i could eat him and his [Applause] kid i don't feel good about this do you remember i ever tell you that story bill yeah only a thousand times that's that's for the kids i was a little late here tonight i took a cab to the theater folks and i don't know if you ever been to these new york city cabs but uh i got one of those cabbies couldn't speak english you know saw his name there and then the dash i couldn't even pronounce it i think it was something like hideki or rabbuh a rabbit's been having some trouble man they fired his translator steinberg fired his translator and people say i see that as cruel you know but i don't know you know i mean if you're not doing well in yankee stadium you know do you really need a translator do you want that you know yeah i said hey what'd they say they say you suck you should go back to japan you dirty foreigner okay i got it i'm trying to pitch over here it's great to be here on espn i love sports man i got man you can see sports in espn you don't see on other other networks you know like kickboxing that's my favorite sport kickboxing is great when you think about it it combines the style and grace of boxing with uh with kicking this seems kind of two 23-year-old women in china this week have set a record living 12 days in a room with 888 deadly snakes they now hold a place a coveted place in the guinness book of world retards i just backstaged a lot of celebrities back there man i was talking to jerry jones you know the cowboys owner and he's disappointed obviously yeah he's a good guy though man he's he's talking about rebuilding the team you know and he told me he says we have to get back to what made us a championship team strippers and crack [Applause] hey have you heard about this ted turner and nbc plan to start their own rival football league to compete with the nfl and not much knowing about the specifics of this new league except for this uh it will suck they know that so they might have trouble you know getting advertisers when we know it will suck i've never asked you this before and we've been good friends for many years okay i made that up but uh we haven't no no we're friends we're good friends but i don't know what you're i'm mcdonald is that irish is that scottish what's your ethnic my ethnic background is polish are you really polish people i didn't realize that mcdonald's you don't well my parents changed their names they had to because of the constant ribbing they'd get for being polish you know and uh so they changed their name to mcdonald but uh you know it's one of the things that you can you know i mean i get a little upset about it you know because you know the polish jokes yeah you can't make jokes about other people but for some reason you make jokes about polish people you know right i'll like it all right you shouldn't that sounds bad yeah i mean i had an experience you know i go in and i order a polish sausage you know from this guy you know and uh so the guy says to me oh oh you must be polish and i said come on man i mean come on think about it what you're saying you know i'm trying to i'm trying to knock some sense into this fella's head maybe give him a a wider world view yeah sure yeah yeah you think because i order a polish sausage i'm polish i said what if somebody came in here and ordered french toast would you would you think he was french you know right i mean what if somebody came in here and ordered a why why a belgian waffle would you consider that guy a belgian you know i mean i mean i mean if a guy came in and ordered a german bratwurst would you would you consider that fellow to be a german fella right i said what if a guy came in and ordered a german potato salad i suppose you'd think he was german too yeah yeah yeah yeah wonderful i said what if a guy wow you talked to this guy for a while i i'm telling you man with with racist you have to get through you have to really get it into their head right i said the guy came in he ordered a cuban hamburger are you gonna assume he's a cuban right right right i said i think it is absolutely ridiculous that just because i come in and i order a polish sausage why would you jump to the fact that i'm polish right and the guy says to me well first of all it's a hardware store and you hate polish jokes don't you you just hate them no i think they're disgusting and of course congratulations to the denver broncos for winning the super bowl yeah denver did great you know there he is i love the denver fans you know because for one thing they don't wear food on their heads that's nice and they had a wild celebration in denver after that super bowl man and now city officials expect an even wilder celebration if the nuggets win 10 games this year they say they're gonna say the whole city is going to go nuts yeah the nuggets are having a bad year this year man matter of fact they're making a film about the team they had a pretty catchy title it's uh black men can't jump either well nba all-star weekend over that was exciting man the east beat the west jeff hornacek won the three-point shootout houston's uh clyde drexler and cynthia cooper won that exciting two-ball thing and charles barkley won the throw a guy through a plate glass window contest so that was that was quite a game you know i mean you know what impressed me the most yesterday was kobe bryant unbelievable [Applause] this guy's amazing 19 years old the youngest starter ever in the all-star game and he plays so well that today he was named spokesman for nbc's new public service campaign called screw it who needs college no do you think jack benny is funny i don't even know now i don't really know any of his [ __ ] you've seen him though like when people when you someone byron helen no comics on a leash here's the thing byron allen has a show called the entertainers and what he does yeah so he'll go to junkets right and then he'll so he has huge guests that would be like at the beginning it'll be his voice the entertainers tonight harrison ford adam sandler morgan free that's the biggest stars ever and he just interviews them in the junkets but he makes it sound as if and then this is his gambit this is what he does to people so let's say he's talking to harrison ford right he'll go now the last time i talked to you you were talking about working out and so then harrison ford goes like he's never talked to him before but he figures a black guy it's going to sound bad he says i never i know who the [ __ ] are you so he goes yes yes i i'm trying he's just freaking out like this looks like he's best friends with all these viewers i just hate to see i'd hate to go and see him when i can go boy he reminds me of a young buyer and allen he's brilliant buyer now he had that comics unleashed you ever do that oh you couldn't be more leashed it's not like there's nothing unleashed about it it's not like you would have like lenny bruce on like and he was no segway so this is what he said to john levitz one time he said he just turned to him you know he's talking about shimmer and then he goes to john 11 now john i understand you're growing older of course the biggest story in basketball no question about it michael jordan may retire yeah michael jordan may retire after this season and it's terrible news for bull fans you know but it is terrific news for golf hustlers they're happy about it but jordan is very serious though about leaving in fact he's already called the hall of fame to make sure that his plaque bears his basketball nickname air jordan and not his baseball nickname senor crappy that would just be disrespectful you know well how about them winter olympics they're finally underway so we've got a lot of great stuff to look forward the next two weeks like hockey and well just hockey really [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i was watching last night i saw speed speed skating and uh my goodness you know could the outfits they wear be any tighter holy lord there was an east german woman i swear you can see the outline of her entire penis it was [Applause] oh my goodness well the magazine pov came out this week with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century their three best were in this order multimedia software designer management consultant and interactive advertising executive while their worst for the third year in a row crack [ __ ] finally in u.s news and world reports list of the best and worst jobs for 1996 is out last year's best job multimedia software consultant was replaced by a new best job bio-industrial engineer and in the worst job category last year's winner crack [ __ ] has lost its spot the new worst job is assistant crack [ __ ] well there's all kinds of sports celebrities in the audience tonight i see tiger wood right there tiger woods how about that huh yeah he's up for of course he's up for golfer of the year uh this uh this espys and you know who i feel sorry for our folks is the other two guys nominated for golfer of the year you see these guys getting ready and now it's like hey honey have you seen my tuxedo no no not the good one the one i wear when i'm gonna get my ass kicked have you seen that one yeah boomeras eisen is with us boomer how you doing buddy [Applause] boomer of course replaced frank gifford on monday night football uh next season and uh frank frank told reporters that this will allow him to spend more time with his wife and children then he broke down and cried for 45 minutes so and there's charles woodson how about that and what a season he had great manny he became the first defensive player to win the heisman trophy and congratulations charles that is something that no one can ever take away from you unless you kill your wife in a waiter in which case [Applause] the iron horse of broadcasting it's iron you don't pronounce it iron that's what everybody tells me the iron horse like lou gehrig was the iron horse of baseball yes the word iron is iron no no iron iron that's what makes english the world's toughest language yeah you know right sure it is the toughest language for me it's the easiest yeah you were born with it yeah say what you want about how huge and fat my head has gotten but you'll who offer you try iron [Laughter] why doesn't that clock work why doesn't that [ __ ] work no it's my cockpit oh this clock is going somewhere normal no i thought that's what you said i was i heard you had larry king on here cast your show is that's amazing by the way no one gets on larry king larry king gets you all right i know you're new to this i teach you or something one of the first things in hosting an interview show is to listen what's happening the answer given by the guests my whole model my whole broadcasting career that's why i don't like a lot of guys on here now is that i never learned anything when i was talking can i interrupt you there yeah but i want to ask you i was going to call a slim all day today the richest man in the world he's partnering he's the richest man in the world is carlos slim correct from from mexico you never heard of him of course not i'm not a connected guy well that's why i just heard you you don't watch the news so carlos swim is a terrific guy and this guy is working with you on aura tv financially he financed it the richest man in the world 76 billion dollars we should get together with this carlos slim seems like a good guy i just had a meeting with uh some lady said she had a lot of money fat nancy [Music] she want to finance something with you what does she want to do with you uh you know what i loved liberace with all due respect man if you kick that guy and he has 100 [ __ ] and fallout now this is not what i do on hulu no you wouldn't do that no no because i have respect for carlos then literally selling you death that's the one thing i fear is dying man that haunts me because the thought of not existing you know it's like the new thing they call it is dirt knap good god larry that's what they call it a dirt nap you would not say that on hulu no i wouldn't say oh but i'd say it here i heard larry king say to a guy once the guy had lost his child oh no larry king goes paul newman told me you never get over it i'm feeling psychotic so they get so then people go well who do you want well there's that one uh comedian she's a comedian and she's also a lady yeah and then it gets it's more common huh a lot more it's common now snl is very they rule they rule the s who is bigger than tina fey she's strong too big to fail finally according to the u.s news and world report 1997 career guide the best job in the united states for the second year in a row is interactive business system analyst however last year's worst job assistant crack [ __ ] has been replaced by a new worst job crack [ __ ] trainee hello everybody here with norm mcdonald chewing the fact uh where do you live here of course in the city because you're doing the show i live in new york city yeah this isn't a police interrogation are you sure where about where in the city do you live approximately not specifically i live at 56 between 8th and broadway [Laughter] okay and what's your phone number just give me seven digits all right uh did uh what your neighbors nice people the people live around great people i every day i meet somebody new you know this city is great because uh of the neighborly people you know but i did meet one neighbor interesting story you know that uh this guy he just moved in you know next door to me so i'm always one to to meet the neighbors you like to chat with the neighbors yeah because you know so uh i uh i went over to the i knocked on the door next door to where i live and i say to the guy i said hey i'm your new neighbor you know and i said uh good to see you you know nice to nice to run into you you know welcome to the the neighborhood you know and so the guys i said what do you do for a living there sir you know if you don't mind me asking you know what do you do for a living i'm a i'm a nightclub comic i tell the guy so he says to me he says i'm a i worked out at the university of uh science there he says i'm a uh i'm a um that's a good school by the way i can't remember the exact place sure but uh he says i uh i'm a professor of logic oh so he says the guy says logic now what the hell is that i never heard tell of that he says oh well he says it's a kind of a pattern of uh a syllogistic well he says it's hard to explain he says why don't i give you an example so i said fair enough why don't you do that so the guy says well he says let me ask you a question he says do you own a dog house so i go yes i do he says well then that means you probably have a dog i said yes he says well that means you're likely to have a family if you have a dog i said yes i do he said uh well then that means uh you got the kids you're married i said yes yes i am he says well then you're a heterosexual man i said yes sir i am he says well you see that's logic there i i asked if simply from finding out you had a dog house i made this series of inferences and uh i i found that you're a heterosexual man simply from the fact that you had a dog house well i said good god isn't that something okay uh so i said well i won't waste any more of your time there uh neighbor and i said i'll see you see you later see you around okay well uh i went i said come on come by one day and have a uh chicken with me as i left so i left so i go i go to get a bus you know to the bus stop and i i walk down to the bus stop and i still thinking about this thing that happened to me you know and i'm standing at the bus and uh uh no bus coming at all you know five or six of us standing around and uh one guy lights up a cigarette there and he goes he goes as soon as you light up a cigarette the bus comes and uh he smokes the whole damn cigarette no bus comes right so uh i said to the guy well that theory really worked huh and the guy goes well sometimes it works anyways the guy goes what's new with you i go well i had an interesting thing happen to me today i said i met my neighbor and he goes oh yeah i go he had a hell of an interesting job i said he's a professor of logic down at the university of science and uh so the guy says is that so he says la uh professor of logic he goes what the hell is that logic i said well it's a series of scilla something or other right i said i can't remember exactly but i said i'll give you an example if you want to hear an example yeah so the guy goes all right go fair enough so i said let me ask you this i said uh uh do you let me ask you a question do you own a dog house and the guy goes uh no i don't own a doghouse so uh i says the guy says oh yeah you're one of them gays and he will work right [Applause] what great stuff you can learn university of science there all right and then the guy and then get this look at this there's more this gay guy yeah invites me to have a chicken at his fridge that's some kind of euphemism watch out [Applause] about the new people oh hey guess what there's a young girl that's uh middling attractive that swears a lot let's get her right is that the new [ __ ] thing yeah sarah silverman is hysterical right who's funnier than her nobody no except dudes [Laughter] and uh we're going to read jokes we read jokes i thought you were going to talk about this we're going to talk about the manga what about the man great is that like a genital cleanser no no my god what is the man great you ask huh fine you didn't ask me it is 100 made in america cast iron grilling grates iron you don't pronounce it iron that's what everybody tells me the iron horse like lou gehrig was the iron horse of baseball yes the word iron is iron no no iron cast iron iron cast iron grilling grates when you say iron uh you know what don't be like [ __ ] larry king that [ __ ] i say iron and he's up my [ __ ] for [ __ ] four days it should be iron that's what makes english the world's toughest language yeah you know right sure it is the toughest lover's language i mean it's the easiest they work great have you heard of the man grace yes i have you have where'd you hear about it on adam corral's podcast wow how about that do you have a father man grade is the perfect gift for this father's day is he alive yeah yeah percent made in america if he was dead it would have been a really bad moment in the commercial your dad's alive no [ __ ] god damn it i'm sorry about your dad that's fine your father's dead [Music] but you have children you are a father yes and i'm not dead yes maybe you'll give me one another i'll give you one is your mom is still alive my mom yeah no she's dead jesus christ is any of your relatives [ __ ] alive because man grace they're revolutionizing the way people grill what adam make it it's true you haven't heard of the revolution you can put chicken on this or a steak that's not that unique it has heavy uh duty grilling grates why are you laughing you think the grilling grains are flimsy these are very heavy yes no no but that's part of the charm it weighs a lot of pounds is that heavy yeah listen man what was that [ __ ] vegas story jesus christ sorry what is in that again again again it's revolutionizing the way people grill jesus what i thought it was like all right you want to hear what it has yeah it has heavy grilling grates what is this no more dry meat what do you think of that you want your meat juicy oh come on now don't make it sound like a [ __ ] fat plumpy delicious [ __ ] no more flare-ups yeah you know on your barbecue has always been flare-ups it was it was named one of 2012's best grilling accessories there's more [ __ ] facts about the man great than about nick why are you laughing you're making mockery out of the man great chicken steak has never tasted so good [Laughter] hey how about this each norm macdonald show order comes with a heavy duty grilling brush jesus you know i put that on your not dry meat look at that those things are dirty no no no no no that's from the iron are you sure yes well it's not from my [ __ ] what i just went to the bathroom that you say [ __ ] so much i'm coming in your butt oh my god but listen man hey your mouth is my toilet [Music] again again again this commercial is like a mini series are you a a jingoist 100 made in america 100 cast iron mangrove.com thank you andy that's yours you just threw your own going away present with contempt to the floor that was our only sponsor yeah now we found out we lost man great as a sponsor and earlier today i think we were told legally we can't say we lost them as a sponsor even yeah i think we were still waiting to find out if we were allowed to say that but anyway we lost that was nick schwartz and that [ __ ] it all up some gold-plated chains would make a nice retirement gift for a very very good slave well this are you serious well this was written are you serious written here did you just write that i didn't write it did you say that no i read it yes you read that there was an old dude this lindsay lohan can't swim a stroke but she sure knows every dive in town [Music] [Laughter] las vegas is now home to a 550 foot tall ferris wheel also drawing thousands to las vegas [ __ ] [Laughter] that's you that's your voice all the way right there that's the only thing the north macdonald lean in four no no no ladies and gentlemen [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you oh thank you very much uh you're very kind you know in the uh what's that oh yeah i know oh you're absolutely right that is my name you know when the people when the people here ask me to do the show you know i got to say i felt kind of weird you know i don't know if you remember this but i used to actually be on this show you know i used to do the weekend update news routine you remember that and uh yeah that's where i did the make believe news jokes you know that was me right so then a year and a half ago right i had a sort of a disagreement with the management at uh at the nbc uh i wanted to keep my job right and they felt the exact opposite so so you see they like uh they fired me because they said that i wasn't funny you know now now with most jobs i could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that but but see this is a comedy show so they got me you know you know you know what but now this is a weird part right it's only a year and a half later and now they asked me to host the show so i wondered i go hey wait a second here hey uh how did i go in a year and a half from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building to being so funny that i'm now hosting the show how did i suddenly get so damn funny it was inexplicable to me because a year and a half let's face is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny then it occurred to me i haven't gotten funnier the show has gotten really bad [Applause] so yeah i'm funny compared to you know well you'll see later but [Applause] okay so let's recap the bad news is i'm still not funny the good news is the show blows all right folks we got a bad show for you tonight dr dre snoop doggy dog and emma and emma are here [Music] you

Channel: Comedy Historian w/ Nate Roscoe

Views: 2,088,649

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Id: aEaSbwUu9W0

Length: 36min 11sec (2171 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 16 2021