>>> AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM DR. ANTHONY FAUCI. >> IT'S YOUR BOY, FAUCI, THE PATRON SAINT OF PURELL. AS YOU PROBABLY HEARD, WE GOT SOME VERY GOOD NEWS THIS WEEK AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT J. LO AND BEN AFFLECK. THE CDC ANNOUNCED THAT PEOPLE THAT ARE VACCINATED NO LONGER NEED TO WEAR MASKS, OUTDOORS OR INDOORS. PRETTY GREAT, RIGHT? A LOT OF PEOPLE HAD QUESTIONS, SUCH AS, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IS THIS A TRAP? TO CLEAR THINGS UP, I FOUND A FEW DOCTORS A THE CDC WHO MINORED IN THEATER AND I ASKED THEM TO RE-ENACT SCENARIOSCENAR. AND REMEMBER, THEY ONLY HAD 24 HOURS TO PUT THIS WHOLE SHOW TOGETHER, SO, PLEASE WELCOME THE CDC PLAYERS AND THEIR FIRST SCENE, "MAN WALKS INTO A BAR." >> WELCOME TO A BAR. >> THANK YOU. DO I STILL HAVE TO WEAR A MASK INDOORS. >> YOU ACTUALLY DO NOT. >> GREAT. >> AS LONG AS YOU'RE VACCINATED. >> I'M NOT. >> OH. THEN THAT'S BAD. >> WELL, I'M ENTERING A BAR AT 11:00 A.M. DID YOU REALLY THINK IT WAS VAXED? BECAUSE THAT'S ON YOU. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. I DESERVE COVID. >> AND SCENE. >> OKAY, I DON'T -- I DOUBT KNOW IF THAT'S THE REAL TAKEAWAY. THE REAL POINT IS, WE HAVE TO TRUST EACH OTHER, SO, PLEASE BE HONEST AND RESPECTFUL. LET'S SEE HOW THAT PLAYS OUT IN OUR NEXT SCENE, "THE FRIENDLY SKIES." >> MAY I HAVE ANOTHER SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS? I'M A BUSINESSMAN AND I NEED IT TO RELAX FROM BUSINESS. >> YOU CAN HAVE A SCOTCH. BUT WHEN YOU'RE NOT DRINKING IT, YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR MASK ON. >> GOOD TO KNOW. BY THE WAY, I'VE BEEN STUCK INSIDE FOR OTHER A YEAR. WANT TO BANG? >> YOU KNOW I DO, KING. >> THEN HOP ON, LET'S GO FOR A REAL RIDE. >> STOP THIS, THANK YOU. THE LESSON SHOULD HAVE BEEN, YOU NEED MASKS ON PLANES, NOT EVERYBODY HORNY NOW. ALL RIGHT. A LOT OF FOLKS ARE ALSO WONDERING ABOUT LARGER GROUPS OR GATHERINGS, SO, LET'S SEE AN EXAMPLE OF THAT. >> I'M CONCERNED. THIS IS A PRETTY LARGE GATHERING. SHOULD WE BE WEARING MASKS? >> WE DON'T HAVE TO, BECAUSE WE'RE OUTSIDE. THE CAPITOL BUILDING. NOW COME ON, LET'S GET 'EM. >> RIGHT BEHIND YOU. >> OKAY -- THAT WAS A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE, BUT ACCURATE IN TERMS OF MASK. NOW WHAT ABOUT RETAIL BUSINESSES? HOW DO YOU PROTECT FRONT LINE WORKERS WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE VACCINATED? LET'S TAKE A LOOK. >> HI THERE. CAN I COME INTO YOUR STORE? >> YES. BUT I'M STILL ASKING CUSTOMERS TO WEAR MASKS. RESPECTFULLY. >> BUT I DON'T NEED A MASK. I'M GAY. >> AND I'M AN ALLI. COME ON IN. THE FIRST HOT DOG IS ON ME. >> NO. NO, THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS. BEING AN ALLY IS GREAT BUT IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH MASK SAFETY. ALSO, DOES SHE RUN A HOT DOG STORE? OKAY, NEXT WE HAVE TWO YOUNG FOLKS WHO STARTED DATING DURING THE PANDEMIC. >> THIS IS EXCITING. WE'RE DINING OUTSIDE SO WE CAN DEFINITELY TAKE OUR MASKS OFF. >> OH, NO. I DON'T LIKE THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FACE. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GREW MOLES UNDER YOUR MASK. >> SO MASK BACK ON? >> NO, IT'S TOO LATE, I ALREADY SAW IT. NOW IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT. >> BUT WHAT IF YOU PUT YOUR MASK OVER YOUR EYES? >> AH, THAT'S NICE. YOU LOOK LIKE A BLUE MAN. >> AND FREEZE. WE CUT TO AN ACTUAL BLUE MAN'S APARTMENT, HIS ROOMMATES LIKE, UH, CAN YOU STOP IT WITH THE DRUMMING? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP. >> AH, I THINK THAT'S THE DOCTOR THAT TAKES IMPROV CLASSES. THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE WANTS A DOCTOR TO DO. ALL RIGHT, NEXT WE HAVE A DELICATE SITUATION. RIDING NEW YORK CITY TRANSIT. >> WOW, I'M SO EXCITED TO BE BACK ON THE SUBWAY. >> ME, TOO. BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW, MASKS ARE STILL REQUIRED ON BUSES, FERRIES AND SUBWAYS. >> OH, COOL. BUT MY QUESTION IS, WHERE SHOULD I MASTURBATE? BECAUSE BUSES, FERRIES AND SUBWAYS ALL SOUND LIKE GREAT OPTIONS. >> YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT ANYWHERE, SIR. >> DON'T WORRY, I'LL PUT A MASK ON IT FIRST. >> HE MISSED A GODDEN OPPORTUNITY TO SAY, "THANKS FOR THE TIP." ANOTHER BIG QUESTION MARK IS SCHOOLS. MAYBE THIS WILL HELP. >> HI. I'M HERE TO PICK UP A STUDENT. DO I NEED TO PUT ON A MASK? >> NO. FULLY VACCINATED PARENTS DO NOT NEED A MASK. >> BUT DO I NEED TO BE A PARENT? >> NOPE, NOPE. STOP THAT ONE ALREADY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. AND THIS NEXT ONE I'M TOLD IS MORE OF A RIDDLE. >> HI. WE'RE FOUR FRIENDS FROM THREE DIFFERENT HOUSEHOLDS. >> WE'RE ALL HALF VAXED AND TRAVELING BY TRAIN FROM FLORIDA TO THE UK. >> ONE OF US IS OLD AND SEVERELY AT RISK. >> AND ONE OF US IS A BABY. >> SO, HOW MANY OF US SHOULD WEAR MASKS? AND IN WHICH ORDER? >> AND GO! >> NO IDEA WHAT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO DEMONSTRATE. AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE BIG FINALE ENTITLED "SOCIETY IS GOOD AGAIN: A VISION FOR THE FUTURE." >> WOW. EVERYTHING IS FINE NOW. >> EVERYBODY GOT THE VACCINE. SO NOW WE NEVER NEED MASKS AGAIN. >> I'M USING MY OLD MASK AS A PARACHUTE FOR MY HAMSTER. >> I'M USING TWO OF MINE AS A BIKINI. >> I'M USING ONE OF MINE AS A BIKINI. >> AND WHEN WE COME TOGETHER AS A SOCIETY, WE CAN SOLVE ANYTHING. >> WOO! >> NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT ISRAEL. >> OKAY. OKAY. THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD PLACE TO END. SO, IN SUMMARY, PLEASE, EVERYONE, GET YOUR VACCINE. AND ENJOY LIFE WITH NO MASKS. EXCEPT THIS AUDIENCE, YOU GUYS GOT TO KEEP THEM ON. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
"That left me with more questions than answers"
Put the people in mask order.
Based.